THE SELF INSERT TO INSERT ALL SELF INSERTS
It was an ordinary day, with the ordinary sun shining in the ordinary sky. This ordinary young man was sitting at his ordinary computer desk, as was his ordinary ritual after returning home from an ordinary day of school. I think you get the picture – ordinary. I’ll lay off that word for a while.
He checked his usual favorite internet comics for updates, browsed his favorite internet forums, and chatted with various people. He checked blogs, fan fictions, and pony news resources for updates.
Nobody, not a single soul in the universe, knew it was coming. The very (dumb) fabric of time and space across the entirety of the universe began to rip (AND TEAR). The young man felt a vibration go throughout his entire house; he believed there was an earthquake. Across the universe, every sentient being cried out in fear as they knew not what was happening. It was then that the universe began collapsing in on itself, much like a sheet of paper being crumpled. Everything that ever was, is, and would have been was completely eradicated. All, except, for a very profound group of humans (and 1 alien, but that’s not the point): the bronies. These “bronies” were spared the horror of absolute erasure from existence [Side note: for simplicity’s sake, “brony” is a unisex term that is considered to be any sentient being that has watched FiM and enjoyed it. This includes the show’s “target” audience, their parents, and any other age group. This even includes the team that worked on the show.] One by one, as the universe was destroying itself, these bronies winked out of this reality. They were there, and then they were not. Neither, for that matter, was the universe anymore.
In (a) completely different universe(s), an incalculable number of pastel colored creatures that were not originally from its (their) reality(ies) began to wake. They surveyed their surroundings, and though they were all scattered in different locations and time periods around Equestria, they all came to the same conclusion: they were in Equestria. Be it from an over-consumption of alcohol, hallucinogenic substances, a dream or otherwise, these beings were not sure.
In one part of (what for simplicity’s sake will be termed “Present Day Equestria”) Present Day Equestria, 3 now ex-bloggers, known as “Sethisto,” “Phoe,” and “Cereal Velocity” cheered and danced in circles, sporting their new equine bodies. In another part of Present Day Equestria, a random family whom will have absolutely no impact on the future of this story were confused at their sudden lack of opposable thumbs. The young daughter of this family, a blank flank, danced in circles while shouting “I’M A PONY I’M A PONY I’M A PONY” in a constant cacophony of noise. Meanwhile, the mother wondered if she had been hitting the alcohol which she had swore to never drink again, while the father calmly moved the cigarette he had been smoking from one corner of his mouth to the other.
Another young man – and close friend of the author – stopped for a moment and noticed the significant lack of homo sapiens and the far increased number of equines. A short walk and several signs later, he realized he was no longer in Las Vegas, but rather in Las Pegasus. “Confound these pony puns,” he muttered.
In the bleak (and possibly an altogether different ponyverse from the Present Day Equestria one) future, a pony examined her surroundings, and then herself. This ex-human, known on the (now ex) internet as “KKat,” realized without undue alarm, “Holy shit I’m Little Pip.” As the previous example has no doubt shown (unless you have never read Fallout: Equestria, in which case the following elaboration will suit well enough), these “newcomers” to Equestria (that is Past, Present, Future, Alternate Timeline, Alternate Universe – or any combination) were not all given new bodies. Some were integrated into the very lives of those ponies (or whatever other creature) that they themselves created. Unless, of course, they were Mary Sues. The expanse of the multiverse does not like alicorn zebras that are Rainbow Dash and Celestia’s children.
Somewhere in the Present Day Equestria’s Everfree Forest, a blue box crashed, and out climbed a brown stallion with an hourglass on his flank.
All the while, an off-white alicorn with long red hair stared at her reflection in a mirror of the room she awoke in.
Congratulations reader, whether or not you wanted to be, you are now a pony. Or a zebra. Or griffin. Or something else. Not important. The point is you are now in Equestria. But this story isn’t about you; it’s about the ordinary young man who is now an ordinary pony.
******
The young man awoke on a grassy knoll. How… out of the ordinary. Looking around, he noticed that everything seemed… different. He looked at his hoof. Oh hey. He had a hoof. This must be his first time trying some strange hallucinogen. But taking narcotics was very unlike him. He stopped, and thought for a moment. The last thing he remembered was his face hitting his computer desk. A dream, he surmised. But this felt too real to be a dream. He tried several reality checks. He pinched his nose (this task alone took him about 5 minutes to get right with his new hooves), he couldn’t breathe. He stuck his tongue against his teeth, his teeth were solid. Had he had any fingers he would have counted them. He looked at the sky, it was normal and cloudless. Well, barring the one cloud with a cyan pegasus napping on it.
This was it, he decided. He was officially insane.
But wait! This seemed eerily familiar. Like the start of a “human in Equestria” story. He had read a few of those before. Considered flexing his meager writing muscles and perhaps writing one himself, as well. He did a double take on his surroundings. He was a pony. Check. Everything looked and smelled nice. Check. There was Rainbow Dash sleeping on a cloud. Check. He was originally a human. Check.
Yep. Definitely the makings of a fan fiction. And judging by the fact that he was a pony, he correctly surmised (unbeknownst to him) that it was he himself that wrote this very fan fiction. He decided to throw caution to the wind and try something that may or may not have collapsed this reality in a similar fashion to his old one.
He said out loud to no one in particular, “This is a fan fiction based on the television show My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic developed by the human Lauren Faust, which was written by me.”
Cringing, he waited. Nothing happened. Or at least nothing noticeable happened. In a universe completely parallel to the one he currently resided in, after his alternate self uttered these words, that universe crumpled in on itself much like a sheet of paper, sparing only the creatures who had watched and enjoyed a telemagic show called “My Little Human: Technology is Science!” This particular group were known as “Humies.” But this was not that universe, and nothing crumpled in on itself much like a sheet of paper. Nothing, that was, except for a sheet of paper being crumpled by a particularly distraught artist.
He decided to get up and stretch his legs. He promptly fell flat on his flank. You can add that to the list of “human in Equestria” novelties, he thought. Attempting to stand on hind legs and failing miserably. Check.
“OK,” he said to himself. “Four legs. Equine. Pony. Oh hey I’m blue. Always liked blue. Now, what should I do… these things always start out with visiting Twilight, so why not start there? She is the smart one, after all.” With four hooves on the ground and a goal in mind, he crested the top of a hill. A small cottage was not too far off. “This is a bad idea,” he spoke out loud, attempting to keep himself sane, “but why not?” He started walking to the cottage. Trotting to the cottage, he corrected himself. He was going to have to get used to that. But then again so did every person who was in these types of fics, so it shouldn’t be too much of a problem. Hopefully.
Approaching the cottage, he stopped in front of the door. Taking a deep breath to clear his mind, he tried to figure out how to knock on the door without falling over. He still wasn’t good enough with four legs to stand on only three and use one to knock, and he highly doubted he could do that crazy cross-legged standing position Applejack always does. Not that that has any relevance to his current situation. In any case, he decided to take the Pinkie Pie approach, and knocked four times with his forehead on the door. After shaking the dizzy from his mind, he noticed a small dent in the wood where he had bashed his head. Brushing a hoof through his mane (after sitting on his haunches, lest he fall over), he realized he was a unicorn. And then he realized he just dented Fluttershy’s door. Not off to a good start.
After finally accepting his magically-inclined self he noticed the door was open. A squeaky yellow mass of adorable was hiding behind its pink hair. Mane, he corrected again.
“Oh, uhm, hi.” He began. This was not working out well. He was talking to Fluttershy and it was taking every fiber of his being not to hug the living daylights out of her. Damn ponies for being adorable.
After a quick mental search for an appropriate introduction, he decided on, “My name is… uh…” before he stopped. Human names were not going to work in Equestria, they were much too out of place. But then again, he thought, so was an adult unicorn with no cutie mark who didn’t know how to do magic. Wait, did he have a cutie mark? Checking his flank right now would be awkward. He’d look later. He changed his thought process.
“OK. So I can’t tell you my name. But I can tell you right now that there are some ponies in serious danger and I need the help of Twilight Sparkle, because-” Pausing, he tried not to use his foreknowledge of all things pony. Therefore, he couldn’t assume Twilight and Fluttershy were friends. But then again, he thought, they were national heroes. Everyon – everypony knew the bearers of the Elements of Harmony were friends. They had not one, but two stained glass windows in Canterlot Tower in their honor. Screw it, he decided. I’ll fake amnesia. That always works. Realizing this mental process was taking longer than it should have, he continued.
“Well I don’t remember why I need her but trust me when I say I need to see her. Do you know her?”
He supposed his faked amnesia was more convincing than he had hoped. Before he could protest, he was being pushed inside the cottage by a concerned yellow pegasus.
“Oh you poor dear, did you hit your head? Are you alright?” Technically, yes, he did hit his head. On her door. Four times. And it was still slightly throbbing. His head, not the door. But he was getting off track.
“Er, no, I mean, yes, or, uh,” he had no idea where to go with this.
“Oh, you must have!” Fluttershy continued, unabated. “You can’t even tell if you’re alright or not.”
“Look Flu-uhm, miss. I need to find Twilight.”
“Of course! You must have been trying some sort of memory spell when it backfired; that would explain your cutie mark.” What? What was his cutie mark? he wondered. He looked at his (rather shapely if he said so himself) flank, to see a thought bubble with a question mark in it. Not very reassuring. Fluttershy continued, “But why were you out by the Everfree Forest?”
“Uh,” he stammered.
“Oh!” She exclaimed. “I’m sorry. You must have forgotten that too. You just stay right here,” she led him to a couch, “and I’ll go get Twilight right away. She should know how to help. I’ll be right back.”
And with that, Fluttershy was out the door. He laid belly-down on the couch and surveyed the room he was in. It was, in the words of its owner, “…nice.” The earthy tones went well with the various animals scampering about. One animal in particular, a white rabbit, hopped up on the couch.
The young man looked at the rabbit and did the only thing that he felt appropriate: tilted his head up slightly in a sort of reverse nod and said, “’Sup.”
The rabbit regarded the young man with a sort of cold, calculating expression that portrayed more than words ever could. The expression was simple enough to interpret, though: “You touch her, I end you.”
“Gotcha,” the young man said. “Message received.” With a satisfied nod, the rabbit hopped off the couch and went about its business, whatever that may be.
A short while later, Fluttershy returned with Twilight.
“… ust knocked on your door with amnesia?” he heard Twilight’s muffled voice from outside.
“Yes,” Fluttershy answered as the door opened. “He doesn’t even know if he’s OK or not.”
“I find that hard to believe. How can you not know if you’re OK?”
They stopped and looked at him. “I’m guessing that’s him?” Twilight asked.
“I hope that’s not a serious question, Miss Sparkle.” he countered. “You’re supposed to be the smart one here. How many other strange ponies do you see on Fluttershy’s couch right now?” He stopped, realizing what he had just done. Not only had he just blown his amnesia cover by saying Fluttershy’s name, he had also just sassed Twilight Sparkle. This won’t end well, he thought.
“That amnesia of yours certainly didn’t let you forget how to be snooty,” Twilight commented.
“You know my name?” Fluttershy said. “You didn’t sound like you knew it before.”
“Oh, I uh, remembered. Yeah. Remembered.” He gave a grin that screamed “he’s lying, but trying to cover it.” That was, if grins could scream.
They ignored the obvious lie for the time being. He tried to think of a next move. The logical thing, in his mind, was to see Celestia. Being an all powerful ruler of Equestria, she might have the magic needed to get him home. Little did he know that his home was now a total nothing, and that he was not the only person stuck in Equestria. Twilight asked,
“Fluttershy says you needed me. Why is that?”
“Because I needed to see the Princess, and you are the most obvious and easily accessible connection to her.” He said flatly.
Twilight pondered this for a moment. “So, let me get this straight. You interrupt my friend’s business,” a small voice countered, “Oh it was really no trouble,” but was subsequently ignored. Twilight went on, “and take me away from my studies, to ask me, the Princess’s personal protégé, to get you, a strange pony I have never seen before in my life, an audience with her?”
“Well, when you put it that way…”
“You are leaving something out. Something very important. I want to know what it is.”
He sighed. This wasn’t exactly how he had planned this to go. “OK,” he began, “you want the truth?”
“Yes.”
“The whole truth?”
“Yes.”
“…and nothing but the truth?”
“YES!”
“So help me God?”
“You’re enjoying this, aren’t you?”
He smirked. “Yes.”
Now it was her turn to sigh. He continued, “OK, the truth. This is the honest truth. I come from another universe. In that universe, I, along with the rest of my species, are ‘humans.’” He punctuated the word “humans” with air quotes that weren’t quite as effective without fingers. “A human is a sort of bipedal, hairless monkey, about…” he looked at Twilight and gauged a rough guess, “two or three times as tall as a pony. Humans have no magic, and no wings. In my world everything worked on its own; the clouds moved, rained, snowed. The animals cared for themselves. Plants grew with no assistance. Imagine, if you will, an entire planet like the Everfree Forest. Minus most of the creepy monsters, of course. This was the norm. In the stead of magic, we had fingers and our good old ingenuity, which we used to create machines that do much the same things in our world technologically as magical things do here. The last I recall of my previous universe was being in my bedroom. The first thing I recall of this universe was waking up on a hill by this cottage.”
Fluttershy and Twilight gaped. They both said nothing. Twilight was the first to break the silence, “You seem awfully confident about such an… unbelievable story.”
“I’m confident because it’s true. There are quite a lot of aspects I’m leaving out, but they could potentially take hours to explain.”
“While I’d like to believe that, I’m sure you can understand if I’m skeptical. I know a spell that works as a sort of lie detector. If you just sit still I can-“
“Oh no you don’t. I know what happens if you screw up a spell. Your horn falls off, you end up in an alternate dimension, or you create some form of super parasprite or something like that. Nuh-uh. As soon as you begin to concentrate something is going to interrupt your spell and I’ll probably be left brainless. Just you watch. Five…”
“What?”
“Four.”
“If you honestly expect me to believe…”
“Three.”
“…that something is going to happen…”
“Two.”
“…when you reach…“
“One.”
“…zero, then– ”
“Zero.”
It was then that a regale white unicorn burst in through the door. “Oh Fluttershy, dear, I am so terribly sorry that I couldn’t make our weekly get-together. I had – Twilight, dear, why are you staring at me? Who is that?”
Twilight leaned close to the young man and whispered, “This proves nothing.” He smiled smugly. Twilight turned to Rarity. “This is, uh,” she paused. “Well,” she continued, “we don’t know. And frankly, he doesn’t either.”
“Beg your pardon?”
“My name is,” he thought up what he suspected was a very good lie, “unpronounceable in your Equestrian tongue.”
“Speaking of which, how do you know ‘our Equestrian tongue’ if you’re from another planet?” Twilight countered.
“Well, I wouldn’t go as far as to say I’m from another planet. I am from this planet – at least I assume – but in an alternate universe. As for the language barrier I suspect it is for the same reason that I was turned into a pony.”
“And what would that reason be?”
“Convenience.”
“Oh sweet Celestia,” Rarity muttered while staring at the young man. “Your mane is so… garish.”
He looked at his mane. It was orange. Clearly Rarity didn’t like his color scheme.
“I admit to being from an entirely different universe and you’re more concerned with my mane? Not to mention that blue and orange are complimentary colors.” He mumbled the last sentence under his breath
“If that were true, then it’s obvious that your universe has no fashion sense.”
“That would imply that I had a choice, Miss Rarity.”
“Well you do have a choice now. I can dye your hair and give you a new style, free of charge.”
“That is very generous of you, Miss Rarity. Thank you. Perhaps I’ll take you up on that offer when I’m through with being interrogated. But to disregard something as strange as a being from another world simply because his mane is not in your tastes…”
“Well, if you think about it, there isn’t really much to be surprised about. Stranger things happen all the time. We’ve dealt with Nightmare Moon, Discord, a full-grown dragon,” Fluttershy eeped at the memory, “A parasprite invasion, Pinkie’s ‘sense,’ and more. I wouldn’t be surprised if a… self-propelled time-traveling carriage crashed into my boutique.” The young man suppressed a giggle at this and quietly began humming “Back in Time.”
Twilight cleared her throat. “I hate to interrupt this… riveting conversation, but, providing this extraordinary tale is even true, I still want to know what he’s doing here.”
“That is why I need to contact the Princess. I was hoping that she, the most powerful being in Equestria, could tell me how I got here and how to get home. Though I have to admit, at first glance, this universe already seems a far sight better than mine… but I digress, that is a story for another time. So, Twilight Sparkle, will you do me the honor of contacting the Princess in my stead?”
“This… this is going too fast. Look, not-pony, how about we start with verifying these claims of yours? We can decide where to go from there. I’ve got the necessary equipment back at my house where we can perform tests without the risk of an,” she looked at him in distaste, “interrupted spell.”
“Not exactly how I planned this to go, but it works. Alrighty, Miss Sparkle, to the library. Allons-y! Oh how I’ve always wanted to say that…”
“I – how did you know we were going to the library?”
“I, uh, remembered?”
“How can you have remembered it if I never told you?”
“All in due time, Miss Sparkle. All in due time.”
“Arguing with you is going to be pointless, isn’t it?”
“Yup.”
“Ugh. Come on, let’s get to the library. We’ve got tests to run.”
“Uhm, if it’s OK with you Twilight, I’d like to stay here. Mr. Mouse has got the flu.”
“Sure, that’s fine Fluttershy. Take care.”
“Thank you for your hospitality, Fluttershy. I am very grateful.”
“Oh, it was really no trouble.”
“No, really, I am grateful. And I apologize for my initial deception. Now if you would excuse us, we have some tests to run.”
Twilight and the young man started to walk out the door before he turned around asked, “Are you coming with us, Miss Rarity?”
“I’m afraid not. I am going to stay with Fluttershy for a while. But be sure to find me at some point so I can help you with your mane. Do take care now!” she turned to Fluttershy, “I simply must tell you about this new client of mine!”
“Come on, let’s go,” Twilight said to the young man.
******
The walk to the library was entirely uneventful, and silent. An awkward silence had settled between the ex-human and pony. An awkward silence which was, thankfully, broken by a crash-landing mailmare. Derpy Hooves Derpy Doo Ditzy Doo Bright Eyes a grey coated, blonde maned pegasus with bubbles for a cutie mark brushed herself off, looked at the young man and said, “Oops, my bad,” with an apologetic grin.
The young man was rubbing his once-again-throbbing head and said, “It’s fine. Good thing you ponies are – wait, you’re [PONY NAME]?” A thought had suddenly stuck the young man like a crashing mailmare. A thought which, if true, would presumably make his life much simpler. He thought back to all of the fan fiction he had read. [PONY NAME] responded, “Yeah. How’d you know?” Her eyes crossed and a troubled frown crossed her face. “Do I know you? I don’t recognize you from my mail route in Ponyville.”
“Long story, no time. Look, I have a very important question for you. Do you know a brown stallion with spiked brown hair, blue eyes, hourglass on his flank? Possibly goes by the name ‘The Doctor’ and more than likely raving about a blue box? Hates apples, by the way. And pears, last I checked.”
[PONY NAME] responded, eyes crossed in equal part confusion and thought (with one eye portraying one emotion and one eye portraying the other. It would make a fascinating study, Twilight surmised, if she didn’t get offended every time somepony mentioned her eyes), “Who?”
“…damn. That’s what I was afraid of. Alright, never mind. But if you do happen to see this pony, try and find me. It’s very important.”
[PONY NAME] looked doubtfully at the young man and said, “I’ll try. Uh, look, I’ve got to get back to this mail, so…”
“Huh? Oh, yeah, that’s fine. Thanks for your help.” [PONY NAME] flew off.
Twilight looked at the young man. “What was that about? ‘The Doctor? A blue box?’ I’m finding you exceedingly hard to understand.”
“He isn’t here, so it’s not important. Let’s just go.”
The path they followed finally lead to Ponyville proper. Stopping to admire what he doubted very few people from his own world would ever get to experience (which was actually incorrect, seeing as a great number of bronies who had also been transported to different whens of Ponyville did the same thing he was doing right there, in that exact spot), he surveyed the sights.
To his left, was none other than Twilight Sparkle herself. One of his favorite ponies. Up in the sky, and no longer napping, a rainbow blur was knocking away what few scattered clouds had formed in his time at Fluttershy’s. He could see the town hall, Carousel Boutique, Sugarcube Corner, and the library. He could see the rolling hills of Sweet Apple Acres, the floating cloud house that was Dash’s home, the market, bustling with a great number of ponies going about their business, Canterlot Castle resting on the mountain’s side, and so much more. He took a deep breath of that clean, Equestrian air.
It was incredible.
But, judging by his companion’s exasperated expression - whom had no doubt seen this view a great many times - he managed to pull himself away from the breathtaking splendor and said,
“Let’s get that plot of yours moving, Twi. We have things to do.”
