Rinse and Repeat

by Awesomo3000

Rating: everyone
Tags: Other, Starlight Glimmer, Tempest Shadow, My Little Pony: The Movie, Random, Pony of Shadows, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 3431

When three ponies go to the Almighty Author of Life to audition for the next villain roles, they find he has declared a new rule: All villains from now on must have sad backstories of being rejected and reformations.

After Adagio Dazzle's acclaimed villainous performance, three ponies have turned up at the Almighty Author of Life's door to audition for the next fearsome new villain roles. Initially excited to show off their stuff and become worthy successors, they turn displeased at the announcement of His Almightiness setting a new rule:

Any villains who are evil because being evil is fun are no longer allowed. From now on, all villains must have tragic backstories of being rejected and be reformed by the Mane Six in the end.

Vector belongs to DashieSparkle

Published 2018-10-11 13:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2018-10-11 13:40:01 UTC

Wait, what?

Deep inside a majestic mansion standing in the middle of an unearthly void, three unicorn ponies sat eagerly outside the towering office door at the pearly white corridor's end. Grand portraits displaying iconic events in Equestria's history adorned the gleaming walls, all the way from Nightmare Moon's defeat to Princess Twilight Sparkle's new castle rising from the ground. All their gazes, however, were fixated on the latest one hanging near the door: an elegant painting of Twilight and her human friends from the mirror world blasting a musical rainbow at the Sirens. The trio stared in admiration at Adagio Dazzle's painted expression of fury and shock as the rainbow hit her.

"Now that was truly an amazing villain." The dark purple mare with the broken horn and the crazy Mohawk gave a dreamy sigh.

"I know, right?" The purple and aqua-ponytailed unicorn next to her bounced in her seat. "I don't know how His Almightiness does it! I heard the cosmic beings he writes for adored her!"

"Her performance truly was a spectacle to behold." The third unicorn with the ragged cloak added, never averting his gaze from Adagio's portrait. "So cunning."

"So seductive."

"So devious."

"Do you think He'll give us villain roles as great as her?" The male pony asked somewhat anxiously. The other two simply gave a shrug.

"Well here's hoping." The light pink one replied.

Their talk was promptly stopped by the loud creaking sound of the door slowly opening, a beam of brilliant light illuminating the whole corridor. A deep, echoing voice boomed from the doorway.

"ENTER."

Inhaling deeply, the three unicorns rose from their seats and, shielding their eyes, entering the blinding light one by one. Once the light finally died down, they all stood side by side before glancing upward at the enormous oak desk towering over them. And there, sitting in his equally tall chair and donning a face-covering red cloak, was the one responsible for creating all the stories in Equestrian history. The one who wrote the roles of every single pony and creature in Equestria for the cosmic beings of the universe to observe, judge and analyse.

The Almighty Author of Life.

"Starlight Glimmer, Fizzlepop Berrytwist and Stygian, I presume?" Steeling herself, the one called Fizzlepop stepped forward and cleared her throat.

"That's right, Your Almightiness." She gave a polite bow and the other two ponies followed suite. "We've travelled far and wide through cities and over mountains to be in your presence today."

"I got sick in Las Pegasus." Stygian chimed in.

"And we've all come to try out for the next villain roles to oppose Princess Twilight Sparkle and her friends and hopefully become well-loved among the cosmic beings you write for."

Placing his quill down, His Almightiness leaned over the edge of the desk to get a better look at his visitors. The three unicorns stood rooted to the spot with bated breath. After a few moments of studying their appearance, He sat back in his chair again.

"Hmm... yes, you three will do just nicely." Smiles lit up the ponies' faces the moment He said that.

"Great!" Starlight cried, clapping her hooves together gleefully. "So what dastardly schemes are we going to concoct? How much of a challenge will we prove to be for Princess Twilight and her friends before we're ultimately overthrown by them?"

His Almightiness raised an almighty eyebrow.

"Beg pardon?"

"Y'know, how will we try to rule Equestria before we get defeated?" The pink unicorn repeated.

"Oh. You haven't heard?" His Almightiness asked. Starlight's smile dropped as she, Stygian and Fizzlepop all gave each other a puzzled glance before Stygian spoke up.

"Heard what?"

"There's a new rule about villains in Equestria now." Fishing a scroll out from under the others on His desk, His Almightiness scanned his eyes over the text and read it aloud:

"All villains in Equestria are no longer allowed to be evil because being evil is fun. From now all, all villains must have a sympathetic backstory that ultimately leads to a redemption."

Now the ponies were truly baffled.

"Wh... but... we... when did that become a thing?" Fizzlepop sputtered.

"About five seconds ago." Came the flippant reply. Before anypony could object, His Almightiness pointed sharply at Starlight.

"You. Step forth."

Still incredibly dumbfounded, the unicorn nonetheless trotted forward until she was directly in front of the desk. After a couple of moments, His Almightiness came to a decision.

"Starlight Glimmer, you will be the leader of a cult focused on equality."

"Okay, not a bad start."

"And your interpretation of equality will be believing that different talents lead to different cutie marks which lead to friendships being broken apart."

"Huh?"

"So you rid other ponies of their talents and cutie marks, making them all equally less exceptional so they can avoid potential heartbreak." The unicorn cocked her head, greatly perplexed.

"Umm... it's a good idea but... doesn't that execution seem a little childish?" She asked, trying her best to choose her words carefully. "I mean, no well-adjusted adult stops being friends with someone just because of a difference in opinions. And how exactly does this interpretation of equality make anypony's lives better if it makes them all equally less exceptional?"

"But it's okay because the cosmic beings will believe you have a point." His Almightiness responded proudly. "Writing tip Number 5238: 'Villains with a point are always great.'"

"I have to have a point to make one." Starlight muttered under her breath before He continued.

"And then it turns out you didn't give up your own cutie mark so you could position yourself over everypony else."

"So I don't actually believe this philosophy I'm pushing?"

"No."

"So... I'm a liar who just doesn't like others being better than me?"

"Now don't you fret. Once Twilight and her friends save the town from your wrath, you'll come back after a while to erase them from history as revenge." The mare staggered in disbelief.

"What?"

"That's right, you go back in time constantly to stop them from getting their cutie marks which leads to Equestria suffering several horrible futures in different timelines." His Almightiness continued.

"Sweet Celestia, doesn't that seem like an... overreaction on my part?"

"But it'll all turn out fine because I have a perfectly justifiable backstory for your actions." Came the confident reply.

"What could possibly justifying brainwashing ponies and messing with the fabric of time out of petty vengeance?" After a dramatic pause, His Almightiness, looking very please with himself, gave his answer.

"Your childhood friend got his cutie mark and moved away."

Now all three ponies were completely dumbfounded.

"I'm sorry, what?" Starlight finally asked in disbelief. His Almightiness rolled his almighty eyes.

"I said your childhood..."

"I heard what you said! What I meant was... is that it?"

"Correct."

"But surely there's got to be more to it than that?" Fizzlepop scoffed cynically.

"Do not speak to me unless I say so, Fizzlepop Berrytwist." The scarred mare very quickly shut her mouth as He glared down at her.

"Sorry, Your Almightiness."

"What, you mean I don't even try staying in contact with him?" Starlight continued. "I jump right to 'destroy all cutie marks' and 'mess with time' just like that? I never grow up and get over it like an adult would?"

"That's right." Starlight stared up at the Almighty Author of Life folding his arms proudly.

"...And that's my sympathetic backstory?"

"Yes, which leads to Princess Twilight taking you under her wing and you becoming her pupil." As if she couldn't get any more shocked, Starlight's eyes nearly bugged out of her skull.

"W-Wait, what?" She spluttered. "But I-I nearly destroyed time itself! I don't have to suffer consequences for my actions or go through a redemption arc? Y'know, earn everypony's trust back like that Sunset Shimmer girl did?"

"No, I don't really feel like writing that again." All that apathetic response did was make Starlight glance down at the shimmering white floor with a sour frown.

"Now don't give me that look, the cosmic beings will undoubtedly find you cute and shower you with praise."

Immensely annoyed, Starlight couldn't be bothered to argue with Him. So instead, she stepped back to join the other two unicorns.

"Whatever." She said miserably.

"Stygian. Step forth."

Glancing anxiously across at Fizzlepop, she gave him a nudge of encouragement. The grey unicorn took a deep breath and trotted to the front of His Almightiness' desk.

"Are you familiar with the old tale of the Pony of Shadows?"

"Indeed I am, Your Almightiness." Stygian replied politely in his Trottingham accent.

"Because congratulations, that's the villain role you'll play." All three ponies' eyes widened with amazement, Stygian's especially.

"Oh, my! That... that's fantastic!" His Almightiness nodded.

"Yes, you'll be a creature literally made out of darkness."

"My word, this is amazing!" Stygian babbled, looking in all directions with pure unfiltered glee. "I can be practically oozing with evilness like Queen Chrysalis was! I can..."

"Ah, ah, ah." Stygian's celebrating was tragically cut short by His Almightiness' chiding.

"Remember the new rule?"

"Oh. Right." The unicorn slumped, looking down at the floor with grave disappointment.

"Before you become this Pony of Shadows, though, you will be plain old Stygian. And you'll be a sidekick to the Pillars of Equestria."

"The what?" Stygian asked in confusion.

"A team of pony heroes I haven't figured out the names or backstories for yet." His Almightiness replied flippantly. "But basically, they protect Equestria from dangerous creatures and you help them, But you feel sad because they get all the glory and don't respect you."

"Okay?" Stygian replied, albeit very unsurely.

"So you steal their artefacts from them."

"I-I beg your pardon?" His Almightiness gave a conceited nod.

"Yes, you take them to try and make copies of them so you can become a Pillar too." He elaborated with great pride.

"So I don't try talking to them about how I'm feeling?" Stygian asked, now completely against this assigned role. "My very first instinct is to go behind their backs and steal from them before I even become a villain?"

"Correct."

"That sounds... extremely petty." The colt responded doubtfully. "It honestly feels like I have every opportunity to stop myself from becoming the Pony of Shadows." His Almightiness, of course, waved it off.

"No, it's really sad and sympathetic because the Pillars discover this and cast you out because to them it looks like you're trying to steal their magic for yourself. And it creates tension because both you and the Pillars are in the wrong here."

"Both?" Stygian repeated. "Because from the sounds of it, I don't even try to explain myself to them. It seems to me like they have a perfectly good reason to suspect the worst of me and cast me out."

"Don't worry, I'll expand on your relationship with them in another material like a comic or something." His Almightiness made a reminder on one of his blank scrolls next to him. Before Stygian could express his feelings on that, Starlight beat him to the punch.

"But if you have to rely on supplementary material in order for a story element to make more sense or a villain's motivations to be more fleshed-out, doesn't that make the story or villain poorly-written because the writer couldn't be bothered to explain it? I mean, supplementary material is supposed to provide additional information, not complete an incomplete tale."

"I can write you out of existence if you don't silence yourself, Miss Glimmer." Starlight instantly felt tiny the moment His Almightiness brandished his almighty quill threateningly.

"Sorry, Your Almightiness."

"And then, Stygian," He continued. "you get angry that the Pillars did this to you and become corrupted by the darkness, turning into the Pony of Shadows. Thus they're forced to send you into limbo before you can bring darkness to Equestria."

"So it's just... 'the darkness'?" Stygian asked, puzzled. "I mean, where did it come from? What is it exactly? Is it leftover magic from King Sombra or something?"

"I don't know."

"But..."

"Then you escape from limbo along with the Pillars so you can complete your evil plan." His Almightiness explained further. "And Princess Twilight, her friends and the Pillars discover your tragic past, thus prompting them to reform you."

"But I receive no consequences?" Stygian asked, though he could already guess the answer based on Starlight's assessment.

"Of course not, friendship is magic after all."

"But how do feelings of pettiness and jealousy justify trying to take over Equestria?"

"They just do." His Almightiness sternly pointed at the spot where Fizzlepop and Starlight stood. "Now stand back in line."

"Yes, Your Almightiness." Giving an irritated sigh, Stygian nonetheless complied and joined the others.

"And finally, Fizzlepop Berrytwist."

"Wish me luck." The dark purple mare murmured across to Staright and Stygian. Taking a deep breath, she stepped forward.

"Yes, Your Almightiness?"

"First things first, your name doesn't sound threatening enough so your cover name will be..." He paused in thought for a moment or two. "Tempest Shadow."

"Huh." The mare cocked an eyebrow, admittedly impressed. "Not bad."

"Yes, but I'll keep your real name so it can be revealed for comedic effect later on." His Almightiness continued. "As for your villain role, you will be working with an evil ruler known as... the, uh, Storm King to steal the Princesses' magic."

"Good so far. Can't wait to hear how you screw it up." Fizzlepop replied in a deadpan tone.

"Now let me ask, how did you get that scar and broken horn?"

"It's... not a day I like to remember." The unicorn responded hesitantly, wincing at the memory. "It all started with a toad, a banjo, a pair of plaid earmuffs, ten gallons of hummus..."

"Not tragic enough." His Almightiness interrupted rudely. "Your backstory, instead, will be you going to retrieve a lost ball for your two friends and an Ursa Minor attacking you, resulting in that scar and broken horn."

"Cue good idea getting screwed up in three, two..."

"And because of your out-of-control magic, your friends don't want to play with you anymore which causes you to grow bitter, abandon the idea of friendship and run away. And you eventually team up with the Storm King to conquer Canterlot and the Princesses so he'll use their magic to give you your horn back."

"For the love of Celestia..." Fizzlepop muttered, just barely resisting to urge to tear her mane out. "So let me get this straight... I get rejected by some kids once, don't even bother trying to make new friends or even see a doctor about my horn, immediately turn to villainy and agree to team up with a tyrant to betray my kind and subjugate my home on the off-chance that maybe he'll fix my horn?"

"You are correct." His Almightiness nodded vainly.

"But why didn't I try to make new friends?"

"Well maybe you did." He shrugged.

"Or see a doctor? They have spells to get unstable magic under control, you know."

"Well maybe you did." He shrugged again.

"Why 'maybe' and not a definitive answer?" Fizzlepop asked, now starting to get very frustrated. "Can't you be bothered to explain those details even briefly?"

"No worries, I'll just expand on them in a book or something." came His confident reply. "Until then, the cosmic beings can fill in the blanks however they see fit."

"Didn't Starlight just say about supplementary material..."

"Either you be quiet, Stygian, or I'll write an anvil falling from the ceiling and crushing you in the next three seconds." His Almightiness said with a sharp glare.

"Sorry, Your Almightiness." The grey pony whimpered.

"Y'know, this is sounding suspiciously similar to Starlight's backstory." Fizzlepop said with a raised eyebrow, to which He just shook his head.

"No, it's completely different."

"How?"

"Because you lose two friends instead of one." The purple pony rolled her eyes in annoyance.

"I stand corrected. You're brilliant, Your Almightiness." She said, her voice dripping with sarcasm.

"Why, thank you." His Almightiness replied in a cocky manner. "And in the end, Twilight will reform you with a single act of charity..."

"Further implying I never even tried to make new friends." Fizzlepop murmured to herself.

"...you help to defeat the Storm King and you'll gain the adoration of the cosmic beings to boot." Finally placing His almighty quill down, the cloaked deity leant back in his chair proudly. He then put a hand to His almighty ear to listen for the gratitude these ponies would would surely express. But it never came.

"Your Almightiness, I have to say this is all sounding really repetitive." Stygian said, his tone making it clear he was most unimpressed. His almighty smile dropping, His Almightiness leant over the front of his desk to glare down at the three displeased ponies.

"I beg your pardon?" Starlight spoke up next.

"I mean, three villains in a row with pretty much the same backstory of being rejected, doing really terrible things because of it and being handed a redemption on a silver platter rather than earning it. It's just boring."

"Can't you make at least one traditionally evil villain like Discord or Chrysalis or Tirek or Adagio?" Fizzlepop added, refusing to back down. "Just one fun villain? Y'know, the kind of villain we wanted to try out for in the first place?"

His Almightiness' almighty gaze dashed from pony to pony in disbelief. He was sure these tiny equines would have been thankful for the splendid storylines He wrote for each of them. Instead here they were, criticizing His awe-inspiring ideas. His very passion.

He very briefly thought about making them suffer the consequences of not liking His almighty writing skills. Possibly writing a portal opening beneath them and sending them falling into a hydra pit. But that would mean all His magnificent ideas for them would have gone to waste.

Finally he let out an annoyed sigh and slumped back into His almighty chair.

"Alright, fine, if it'll make you all stop complaining." With that, he reached over and pressed the intercom button on the corner of his desk. "Larry, get in here."

Turning around, Starlight, Stygian and Fizzlepop all watched the door open slowly. In stepped a tall horned figure coated in scruffy white fur and carrying a mop and bucket.

"Yes, Your Almightiness?" Larry asked timidly.

"Remember that villain audition you asked me about last month?"

"Um, y-yes?"

"Congratulations, you got the role of the Storm King." His Almightiness watched in boredom as Larry's face lit up.

"Really? You mean it?" He cried out giddily, "Oh, boy, this is the greatest day of my life! Thank you so much, Your Almightiness!" Setting his bucket down, the janitor placed a cloven hoof on it while holding his mop like a powerful staff of some kind.

"Will I be a truly threatening force to be reckoned with?" Larry asked as he practiced his best kingly poses. "A fearsome villain with a strong motivation and a large presence?"

"Yeah, sure, whatever." His Almightiness replied with complete disinterest, not even bothering to look up from his desk. "Now get out." Intimidated by his command but still excited, Larry ran out the door with his mop and bucket while the three ponies watched him with pity.

"Right then, you've all got your villain roles." His Almightiness boomed. "Now go rehearse them." Sighing in unison, the unicorn all gave a bow with as much respect as they could muster.

"Thank you for your time." said Stygian.

"More like thanks for nothing." Fizzlepop grumbled quietly as they all made their way to the exit. The moment they both left, Starlight stopped where she was, holding the door ajar.

"But in future, Your Almightiness, can you please consider not creating this villain archetype so many times in a row?" She asked, trying to sound polite. Raising an eyebrow, His Almightiness glanced across at a sticky note on his desk labelled 'NEXT SCHEDULED VILLAIN AUDITIONS'. Listed beneath that text were the names 'Gloriosa Daisy, Juniper Montage, Wallflower Blush and Vignette Valencia'.

"I make no promises."

Groaning, Starlight too left and slammed the door behind her. The moment she was gone, His Almightiness reached up and clutched the edges of His cloak's hood. Pulling it back slowly, the figure gently removed the voice-changing mask from His face.

Only it wasn't a He at all.

"Little fools." Adagio Dazzle chuckled as her signature villainous smirk spread across her lips. "No one's gonna top me as the best villain for a long time."