B-listers

by Kingunderdog

Rating: teen
Tags: Human, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Button Mash, Comedy, Adventure
Length: 10038

Imagine being transported to equestria?. All the infinite possibilities and wonder one could find, why you could even one day become a great hero and smite dragons and demons. Or more realistically piss away over a decade as a background character.

Imagine being transported to equestria?.

All the infinite possibilities and wonder one could find, why you could even one day become a great hero and smite dragons and demons.

Or more realistically piss away over a decade as a background no name character.

This is the 'legend ' of the not so great adventurer Abraham as he battles his greatest and most intense test yet.

Being a father

Published 2017-12-04 21:00:07 UTC
Last updated 2018-03-22 21:00:59 UTC

Adventure is what you make of it

What does one strive for in life?

To live simply or live the moment?.

Do we choose to strive for mediocrity or do we aim for the very best? and if so can we achieve it within our lifetime?.

Even if one does achieve greatness how long does it last?.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Abraham didn't know how he let his partner talk him into going drinking with her tonight, while yes ordinarily he'd gladly spend the night getting drunk off his ass and maybe get into a friendly bar fight or two with his equally drunk friends over some dumb crap they only started up if their blood contents were mostly alcohol.

Happened a lot more often than not really, the guild hall even had an insurance policy put in place just for the drunken brawls he and many more adventurers we're bound to start and half the time ending up destroying the furniture.

He'd actually quite enjoyed those, especially when he hadn't been on a quest in a while, it let him let loose for a while and stop thinking about the stuff that bothers him outside of his life as an adventurer.

Well part-time, he worked a few odd jobs every now and then whenever he and his partner were in a new town and strapped for bits.

Quests were good and all, many had rewards that could add up to small fortunes,but at their level of skill (barely any on his part) it was hard to make a solid living solely on the money they gained from doing low level quests like item retrieval ,minor monster area control and herb collecting which were usually the most common for him to end up doing a dry spell of manageable quests.

Seriously, at this point, he probably knew more about rare herbs and spices than the average zebra can.

It wasn't like he hadn't tried going on bigger missions, in fact, he'd constantly tried to hop on the most dangerous ones he could find with the largest rewards in his early days but that would only lead to him getting hospitalized and failing the quest.

So he mainly just did C-class missions with the occasional B-class when he actually felt a little lucky and more confident in himself (or was trying to pay back his bar tab once the bill came).

He'd try an A-class just twice a year, but only to keep his perks as a member of the adventurers guild he got quests from.

Free place to stay and the food was cheap.

Needless to say, he depended heavily on Charlotte just to survive those high-level quests.

He didn't even want LOOK at S-class quests.

Those were just suicide jobs in his opinion.
Seriously!, he once saw and entire team with some of the best in the guild come back from an S-class in stitches or missing limbs.

And those were the lucky ones!

Most of his money actually came from the manual labor work he could find in each town or whatever bits he could bump off from his partner who actually had the skills to accomplish higher paying quests all on her own without his "help".

His debt to her over the years was probably in the hundreds of bits by now.

He couldn't even remember the last time he did a quest specifically entailing hunting and slaying a monster. Not that he had the skill to do much of that really.

He was a B-list adventurer at best in his peak and now a decade later it became painfully obvious he wasn't improving much in his career.

Hell, he was sure at this point his partner only tagged along because he'd be long dead by now without her constantly bailing his sorry ass out of danger at the very last minute then drag his moopy self to the nearest bar to drink the night away and help him forget whenever new blunder he's made in his life.

In a way it made him feel bad to always be doing that, Charlotte unlike him actually had a real talent for not just adventuring but nearly anything she set her mind to, she was tough headed at times, brutally honest,a little slobbish especially when drunk ,but lord knows she was kind, her putting up with him for this long was proof of that, especially during this time of year when he was at his most depressed.

The anniversary was coming up again.
2 weeks from now would mark the 13th year he's been in Equestria.

A mug slammed on the wooden table as his partner sat down with a loud laugh as she pulled him over with a wing into a one-side hug nuzzling her chin on the top on his frazzled brown haired head.

"sup -hic- love, W-hic!-uts with the long muzzle eh?" his partner slurred drunk hiccups with the strong sent of cider on her breath, letting go of him for moment only to take a large swing of her mug she sighed in content and leaned in closer to him, "it's a celebration of Celestia's -hic!-sake, why you -hic!-gotta be such'a lame duck now, the world was just saved -hic!-taday!" she cheered nuzzling the top of his head again and throwing her now empty mug at a waiter demanding more.

Said waiter easily caught the flying cider mug with practiced ease and without Skipping a beat went to refill its contents for the over excited mare who was now on top of the table singing along with half the tavern to some jingle Abraham didn't know too well.

He just signed at her antics and sipped his own mug as everyone in the guild hall celebrated.

The world had apparently just been saved after all.

he didn't know the fine details himself but from what the talk around town was saying it sounds like some crazy princess from the moon of all things came down and nearly took over the place if it wasn't for six random mare's who used some sort of laser blast to zap the crazy out of her .

Basically a magic Labotamy.

Or at least that's what he gathered from some of the drunks who were sprouting on that story all night.

He was half enclined to celebrate with the rest of the crowd, as much as he felt like a sake of crap he still appreciates life just enough to be glad he wasn't under some crazy moon horse's tyranny.

But all the news really did was make his bad mood a little more sour as the night went on.

Back when he first came to this world he thought it was his big chance to finally play the hero and be the guy the people looked up to and praised for his heroic actions, a part of himself wondered why it couldn't have been him the world needed to save the day.

Lord knows he fits the bill, a dimension traveling alien being shrouded in mystery and huge potential to do good, destined to one day be this new world's savior.

Or at least that's how he use to see himself when he suddenly popped into this magical world, everything just seemed so possible then.

Now he'd just be happy if his "legend" ended with a slain dragon or two under his belt.

hah! who was he kidding, only way that was ever gonna happen is if the dragon was asleep and Charlotte was the one swinging the sword.

'Oh well' he thought to take another sip as Charlotte got into another round of singing and clapping with the other drunks, 'can't always live the dream I guess '.

Just as he thought that the bartender tapped his hoof on the counter getting his attention, look up Abraham just shrugged his shoulders with a glance at his partner still dancing on the table, apparently, the musicians were playing 'her jam'.

"don't know what to say to you Lou,you know how she gets when she's excited and on your stuff,gonna be at least another set before she gets it out of her system " Abraham joked lightly under the grey earth pony stallions unamused look as Charlotte started doing body rolls right above their heads.

The stallion look didn't fade, even as the mare on the table started doing pelvic thrusts near his face getting a round of wolf whistles from the crowd.

"sigh, it's not that abe, trust me I've seen these idiots do much worse with less cider in their bodies, I'm actually here for you, somepony is calling to meet you outside, " the bartender said whipping a few mugs with a cloth.

At this Abraham looked a little nervous, he reached down to his waist and was glad that he remembered to carry his hunting knife with him." it's not somepony I owe bits too right? cause those loan sharks nearly cut off my frigging fingers last time" he asked looking in over his shoulder.

At this the grey stallion just rolled his brown eyes, "I hardly think this pony wants your monkey claws Abe, besides I've already promised to keep his identity a secret as he said he wanted to make it a surprise, apparently you two are close or so he says " Lou river didn't even skip a beat in between words as he took a freshly cleaned mug and used it to knock the dancing drunk mare off the table.

If Abraham had a score card he'd give him a 9/10 for his accurate aim.

the usual bar slapstick aside Abraham couldn't help something wrong was about to happen, most of his genuine friends were the very same ponies at the table he was sitting at.

So who was this mystery guy?.

Sure he'd make a lot of acquaintance over the years but he couldn't think of one who would visit him out here, they were all the way out at the borders of the badlands.

While Yes they were technically they were in the much much safer outer parts of the badlands valley in the forest at the bordering cliffs near the heyseed swamps but it's still far too close for comfort to that hell hole of a wasteland to expect any visitors outside of the adventurers of the guild.

The guild's remote location was actually the biggest reason he signed up to join years ago, it made it easy to disappear whenever he's pissed somepony off and needed a place to lay low.

Getting out of his chair Abraham walking over the guilds exit with his knife held in one hand under his green cloak just case as he opened the door.

Only to squint his eyes in confusion as instead of a diamond dog loan shark as he was expecting all he saw was some colt with a green backpack looks up at him with wide orange eyes.

"Hey ah kid, you know this isn't a place for foals to be playing around in right? you here with your parents or something?" Abraham asked looking the colt over, he was an earth pony with a dark brown coat an brown hair.

The colt just stared at him for a moment almost as if in awe causing Abraham to raise a brow.

sure as a human, the only human, it was understandable that he would get weird looks from ponies every now and then but this colt was looking at him the same way Charlotte would look at a treasure map to an island of free cider.

Did. Did he have something on his face?

The colt's eyes were watering up now a chocked sob could be here from him as his lip wobble in an obvious indication of a goal about to cry.

"ah kid you okay? " Abraham asked genuinely feeling a tiny bit concerned, after all, a crying child in the presence of a half-drunken man was never a good image, the last thing he wanted was the royal guard to come after him.

He already had enough problems as it was without the possibility of being tried In court as a foal fiddler.

What he didn't expect was for the colt to bolt at him wrapping his hooves around him into a sobbing hug mumbling the words 'I found you, I found you' over and over again clutching his legs closer.

All the while this was happening Abraham was prying to whatever God that was listening that no guard would suddenly walk by and see him with crying colt strapped to his waist.

Forget a trail, he'd be lucky if he didn't just get thrown in the electric chair!.

Just then the door opened letting another guild member out.

"oy-hic!-is a foal bawling out-hic!- here? wut's with all that racket it kills'in the mood inside" said his partner who walked out being somewhat sobering up after taking a wooden mug to the back on the head.

She saw Abraham walk out the door and only now calm out to follow him after she started hearing crying, she half expected it to be Abraham just stubbing his toes again.

Silly monkey man, she told him all the time that walking around bear foot all the time with his soft feet was just gonna end up with him bawling about stepping on sharp rocks and then he'd always whine that his 'shoe' things were too expensive to always be fixing, saying that it was better to only use them when he really needed them.

And ponies say dragons were stingy.

But walking in on him with a crying colt wasn't what she was expecting.

"I found you!, I finally found you!... dad"

And she definitely didn't expect to see her partner fall over on the ground unconscious.

The colt was looking at Abraham's unconscious form of worry and then to her with the obvious question of what to do.

In Charlotte's opinion, she did the best action he current loose state of mind could allow.

And took another large gulp of her cider.

low blood sugar is a bitch

So I decided to study English for a couple months to brush up on my grammar and story writing, this was still rushed but hopefully, I didn't make it as bad as the first chapter.
Enjoy!!

/~/
When he finally woke up, it was with a headache that made him groan of pain.
No dough from another night of Charlotte pushing him to drink more than he'd like, he really needed to have a chat with her about that, not all creatures could drink barrels like she could and not immediately suffer complete liver failure.

Groaning even more as the pain seemed to be emanating at the back of his skull, Abraham blinked open his heavy bagged lids and stared in a daze with his amber brown eyes at the blurry vision of a mare squatting above him.

That's funny, it wasn't his birthday yet.

He didn't remember ordering a call girl service last night? Sure it was that lonely time of year again when the anniversary of him coming to this world, but he usually reserved things like this for happy occasions. When he had his own actual money to spend that is.

His vision corrected itself as he saw the mare above him more clearly. He was only half surprised to see it was a smirking Charlotte looking down at him. She had been at his side so long it was practically second nature for him to share a room or tent with her.

Sometimes a bed if it was cold enough to make them resort to shared body heat. Or saving money on water when they showed together a couple times and help him wash clothes to wear whenever he ran out of clean ones.

Lord knows she'd complained more than once about his old underwear being a biological weapon after he skips more than 3 days worth of showers.

Wow. Privacy really was practically dead for him, wasn't it?.

Though with her own not so lady-like behavior and edgy jokes that were down right lewd at times over the years it seems she was completely open with herself and didn't really care about class or even basic modesty all that much compared to the average pony.

And that was saying something as most of the population didn't even wear clothes.
If it wasn't for that smirk of her's that bordered on shit eating, Abraham would have just closed his eyes and went back to la la land dreaming about slaying mighty dragons and banging grateful princesses.

But he knew that smile. It was her signature 'i know something bucking hilarious and you're the butt of it' smile.

He had once made the mistake of brushing that smile off once before months ago only to realize that sexy earth pony mare waitress he had once brought back to his motel room after a mission in Hoovesdale while heavily drunk was actually a donkey. A married donkey.

He shuttered.

Man, those thing's sure could kick hard. But then again, Abraham did play two rounds of hiding the sausage with that angry mule's wife.

So the broken ribcage he gained after waking up that morning spooning a satisfied newlywed was probably more than justified.

Blinking away dirt from his tired amber brown eyes, Abraham sat up from his position on a bed, his bed within the guild and eyed his smirking partner with a tired deadpanned expression.

Okay, what was it this time? Did he drag another cheating wife with an overly buff mule husband into his room again? Maybe his luck had finally turned around and he'd only have a concussion after the shit hit the fan.

Charlotte's smile had turned damn near sinister as she held back her laughter and pointed with her hoove to space beside him on the bed.

Expecting the worst he sighed and choose to bit the bullet and turned to see what hell he caused himself while drunk again.

Only to see a little brown earth pony colt snuggling next to him on the bed, staining his pillow with drool as he mumbled in his sleep.

"..uhh..da-daddy.." the sleeping cult said in his sleep, clinging closer to him.

Abraham's eyes widened as his fingers twitched in horror at the sight. His heart was beating like he was about to stroke out any second.

It was too much, Charlotte finally burst into uncontrollable belly-deep laughter and in the background, the sound of other ponies laughing just outside the cracked open door into the rest of the guild hall could be heard roaring along with her.

But that wasn't Abraham's biggest concern at the moment, no. His mind was too busy running scenarios of him being in a courtroom with an angry stallion judge throwing the book at him for Pedophilia charges.

Then the inevitable 10-15 years of intense rigorous butt rape in prison. Butt rape performed by beings that were basically small horses.

He felt he was more than justified when he once again fainted one the spot. At least this time he had a pillow for his head to fall on.

/~/

"Well, what about a diamond dog?"

"clocked three of 'em in the jaws, and two with a wooden club when I and your father went of a excavation guard mission "

" griffons, ever seen one?"

"Seen one!, I wrestled one a while back, a real mean bitch I tell yeah, had a lot of kick in 'er, but ponies kick harder and she learned that the hard way when I stomped on 'er beak knocking 'er out cold into the dirt"

"What about a tiger? no way you fought a tiger!?"

Abrahams' head was killing him for the second time that day as his blurry eyes opened to the sound of voices.

"Found an old' whip while trapped in a pit with the whole pack of 'em and a broken wing, ' i whipped the piss right out of the lot of 'em "

Sitting up he realized he had been moved from his bed to a chair in the guild hall, Laying his head on a hard wooden table.

"A dragon!", a voice shouted in excitement behind him.

"See this sword?" another familiar female voice said.

"Uh huh," said the younger voice.

"Swing, stab, slice!. Right in the left eye! I didn't slay the beast though, but I sure as hell made it think twice before crossing my path again, I tell yeah" the female voice bosted with pride.

"Soooo cool! So what did dad do during all that? did he kick its flank?"

"Weeeell, let's just say your father played a big role in it all" somepony had to play bait after all.
"So awesome!"

"So what are you and my dad gonna do next? go one another epic adventure?"

"Hehe, afraid not lad. Your father doesn' like doing anything but lay on his bum this time of year, its practical tradition for him to be stuck in a bed room sulking for the next few weeks"

"Why?, what Happens this time of year, the falling of the leaves?"

"Nah, Nah lad. See your dad is just flank hurt because of h-"

"Shut up Charlotte, " Abraham said finally rounding on the two ponies behind him, his partner sits on a table behind him with a little brown colt next to her.

"Oh would you look at that lad, sleeping beauty is awake" his partner joked to her guest, only to be wide eyed when she noticed the colt was no longer on the seat next to her.

"daddy!"

Abraham had to brace his back on the table to not get blown over by the colt that practically flung himself at him. Thankfully it didn't seem his head was injured from the assault as the target seemed to be his chest as the colt snuggled and hugged him there.

"..sweet Jesus on a cross, what did I do last night!?" Abraham shouted in horror.

"you were really tired after last night daddy, my backs still kinda sore from the long ride so I slept on your bed," the colt said innocently, looking up at him with his own bright amber eyes.

"...Jesus Christ, are the guards already on the way, Charlotte!?" he worded to his laughing partner with dread burning in his veins.

" hahaha!" her breathless laughter was his only answer as she seemed too occupied with not dying from suffocation to say actual words.

"that's it, no more drinking" he swore as he got from his seat, brushing his shacking hands through his uncombed hair. A wall of sweat was starting to form on his palms and he looked paler by the seconds.

"Daddy, you okay?,you look kinda sick or is that normal? I don't really know much about humans" the little colt at his feet asked.

"Jesus!, will you stop calling me that!" Abraham said finally snapping.

"Why not?"

Way NOT!?

"Look, I don't know what happened last night, an I pray to god I'm wrong on my assumptions or else it's 10 -15 for my ass -"

"That's racist, daddy"

"- so if you'd just please leave so I can block this whole, god knows what, out of my mind," the sole human said finally having the will to look at the colt without breaking into a feverish panic.
"Okay daddy, but that's gonna be a problem," the cold said with a small shrug.

"First, stop calling me that, second why is that a problem?" his patience was wearing thin if it was hushed money the little monster wanted then he picked the wrong guy to blackmail. He was flat broke.

"Cause I don't know how to get back home daddy, haven't been home in ..hmm a week? Give of taking couple hours"

The only human buckled to his knees with an urge to weep in frustration and fear for his future as a free man.

"Great, just great, potential pedophilia charges and now possible kidnapping" Abraham groaned with both hands in his face, shaking his lowered head side to side.

"I wasn't foalnapped daddy, you can't say your foalnaping somepony who's just visiting a parent" the colt laughed.

"Oh merciful mary and cucked joseph, I shook up with one of my guildmates kids!", forget the money he owed, forget the garden!. If his guildmates ever found out he'd be lucky to be butchered on the spot!

" Huh? that's silly daddy,I'm, not anyone here's son. I'm yours" the colt corrected.
"...bullshit"

/~/

"you know, he does kinda look like you"

"bullshit"

"his fur color matches your hair"

"bullshit"

"same shade of eyes too"

"bullshit!"

"heck, he even has the same style of rats nest you call a main, all lop sided leaning forwards and messy"

"bull.shit!!"

"just saying what I'm seeing Abe," the earth pony bartender said in defense as he looked across the table over to the lone human on his stool.

He had a light grey fur with an inky dark main that framed his slightly aged face with short bangs. He wore only a white dress shirt with sleeves rolled up and a black tie.

"but its impossible!" the human stated.

"you sure?"

"YES I'm sure.I mean, come on!. This doesn't even make sense. How does this even happen?" Abraham asked pointing to the laughing colt off to the far center of the guild being welcomed by half the guild who had all come back from their own quests.

"Well, you see Abe, when a stallion and a mare love each other very much, or in my experience, both too sloshed on the good stuff to really care all too much about protection-"

"I'm human!!" he shouted pointing to himself, "I can't pass my genes with anything but other humans!" , it was clear in his voice that Abraham wasn't in the mood for games today.

"Eh, Could be magic who knows, or maybe you just didn't pull out fast enough that time?"

"This is serious, man!" the human seethed.

"I am being serious, Abe. Two of my five foals were made because of that. Can't really blame me really, their mothers could milk any stallion dry I tell you" the bartender said casually while whipping a mug.

"Jesus, Lou!"

"Just trying to lighten the mood Abe"

"Well it's not working!" the human breathed loudly. If the room didn't constantly have a never-ending roar of noise from other guild mates it might have made a scene.

Suddenly feeling tired from the conversation, Abraham folded his arms on the bar table and laid his chin on them and sighed.

"This....this is just insane," he said weakly to himself.

"Looks perfectly normal to me," Lou said placing a plat of chip on the table for the hungry adventurer who pads the tab and went off with half the guild telling stories and roaring in laughter from jokes and one of two fights that have suddenly broken out.

Bets were no dough being made on the winners.

"This place was always a madhouse, Abe, you know that" you stated with a shrug.

" Besides, you actually wouldn't be the only stallion here to find out they had a bastard or three from passed one night stands. Hell a third of the guild ARE bastards themselves"

"Greeeat, maybe now we can all carpool.." he moped, imagining being in a wagon dropping off a bunch of borderline savages children off to school.

"That's the spirit"

Abraham chooses to ignore that.

"They sure seem to be hitting it off," Lou said tilting his muzzle to the left, making Abraham look to see his partner cuddling the colt in the center of the crowd.

"She's been entertaining the colt With her wild stories all day since you passed out", the bartender filled in while wiping down another mug.

"Ugh, don't remind me. I hate when she does this, finds a stray ANYTHING and gets too attached to it. We've gone through more pet birds and goldfish than I can count" the humanized sitting up in his stool.

"Seems she wants to add your son to the list" the earth pony stallion stated filling up two more mugs and passing them to another adventurer.

"For fucks sakes stop saying that" the glare on Abrahams' face was more irritation than angry.

"What? son?" the stallion asked with a passive smile as he winked suggestively to a passing mare who looked at him in disgust and walked away with a huff.

"Tease" he whispered under his breath, filling up more mugs.

"Yes, we still don't know for sure who his REAL father could be, heck for all I know this could just be a prank or trick from some bitter mare who wanted to pawn off her child to an adventurer's guild,plus it just sounds too weird hearing that word point ar me" the human argued.

"I suppose you could be right Abe. Many here in Mortal Heaven usually do come and join as a last resort" the grey stallion placed down the mug he was polishing as he watched the usual madness of his guild with a fond look on his face.

Even compared to most other guilds Mortal Heaven was sadly considered a bottom of the barrel group amongst the adventurer's community, they weren't a dark guild by any means, but at the same time, they were not a popular guild amongst the local law enforcement.

Many members had records of minor crimes or anarchist behaviors not welcomed in normal society.

An orphan or two is practically expected to pass through the doors looking for work every now and then.

"See, it could easily just be a master plan of the kid's, pretending to be related to me to get an easier time here in the guild and rise up the ranks using my reputation as a senior here"

"Riiiight, so your telling me that the colt's so-called 'Master Plan' is to ride off your coat tails?" the stallion said in a heavily sarcastic tone.

"Yes, its obvious right"

"Abe, you basically survive on picking herbs and charity. Even as a senior member you've got less weight in this guild to swing around than a broomstick does"

"Hey!...i ..won't comment on that.."

"smart choice"

For moment There was a silence between the two males. They just stayed still as another round of singing and fighting from their fellow guildmates could be heard in the background.

"what if he was yours?" the stallion spoke first, finally cutting the silence between them.

"he's NOT mine", Abraham had lost a bit of fire in his voice but its edge was still strong.

Their meet eye's, One pair passive and the other glowering.

Once again the stallion broke the silence.

"But what if, theoretically of course, what if the colt does turn out to be yours, what will you do then?"

The seriousness in the human's eyes held for a few more moments in the stare down. Then he closed them.

Abraham sighed, fingers rubbing the space above his nose. He swore silently. Lou's poker face was just too hacks. Can't even intimidate the guy.

" Fine" he gave up."Theoretically!, If he was mine I'd find whatever god that made that bullshit even possible and tell them to piss off and go die in a fire. Then buy condoms, lots of them"

"As if you get any more than once every two months" the stallion quipped evenly.

"Hey!, i'll have you know I've done the nasty plenty of times!" the human defended.

"Indeed, with heavily drunk desperate mares who are just low enough on the self-esteem scale to throw even a hairless monkey a bone. Truly you are a stud", a ll that without a hint of a smirk

Shitlords of the multiverse, behold your new king.

"...if you weren't my best friend I'd kick your ass, Lou" the human grumbled slouching in his stool.

"honesty is a virtue Abe," you said while waving a hoof at two twin mares who looked back at him with different reactions.

One gave him a wink while sensually licking her cherry red lips and the other shuddered at her sister's behavior and shuffle out of the room with her twin tugged along.

Back at the bar table, the two males were still in their conversion as Lou pulled a small drink for the lone human who sipped it slowly.

"I just..this is crazy. I can't be a fa..a f.."

"Father?" Lou finished

"That!, I can't be a that!" the human said pointing at the word as it nailed it on the head.

"Why not, you seem old enough to be one anyway, plus you've already skipped the diaper years so it won't be so bad," he said with a shrug as he pulled out a towel and started wiping down the table.

"You don't get it, Lou, I'm not supposed to settle down and be a domestic average joe, i came here thinking I'd be somebody great, a fresh start at being the hero of my own story" the human complained, kicking his shoeless feet up in the chair, feeling them getting sore and needing good stretch wiggling his toes.

"Hero huh?, and how's that working out for you?, last I checked your only able to take on up to B-rank quests because Charlotte is there and even then half of them end up FUBAR"

"I know alright!" Abraham knocked back the drink and grimaced and the foul taste. " Shit man, look, I know I probably hold the record for C-rank quests and I can't fight for shit , but ..but what else is there for me, Lou?" the human asked genuinely.

"go back to school and become a doctor?"

"what?" Abraham could help buy cock his head at that answer.

"never mind," the bartender said shaking his head,"just remembering what my mother said when I told her I'd became a bartender, carry on" he passed another glass to the human.

The human rolled and took it.

"fuck, where to even start... I just, I mean, this is how these types of things are supposed to go" he swished the drink in his hand, staring into the brown liquid. "A normal guy finds his way into the magical world, becomes it's the greatest hero and goes down a legend" he took a small sip." yet here I am damn near 13 years later and I'm still no closer to that than when I started"

"And the colt?" you offered.

"Is a giant freaking nail in the coffin of my hopes and dreams?" the amber-eyed man said while lifting his glass in a one-sided toast fueled with sarcastic enthusiasm.

"him, quite the predicament indeed old chum"

"damn right it is" Abraham agreed to nurse his drink.

"You know, " Lou said as he lifted a collapsible part of the bar table up and walked over to take a seat next to the human. "When I first saw you walk through the guild hall doors over a decade ago with nothing but a cheap copper sword, I thought the master was out of his mind." , he reached into his white dress shirt's right pocket and pulled out a pack of Cigarettes and place one in his one in his mouth and used a match to light it.

"I mean really, a newly formed guild near a wasteland and one of the first dozen members he recruits is a creepy space monkey?" he said after a long drag, breathing the smoke out through his nose.

"is there a point to this?" , Abraham said, rounding on the bartender now sitting next to him apparently on his smoke break.

"yes" was his calm answer with another drag.

"I thought over and over again that you'd only be a blight on the guild's fragile reputation, that by having you around we'd never grown or make a proper name for our selves." the stallion admitted as he leaned his back into the edge of the table and stared up at the smoke clouds he was making blankly

"To put it simply Abe... I hated you" he said meeting humans eyes.

Abraham snorted, a small smirk grew on his face.

" Join the line buddy, a crap tone of people already hated me back then" the smirk faltered for a second but it picked back up when he heard to the stallion next to him starting chuckling.

"yes, yes, even now you don't fail to piss ponies off, a 6-foot tall pain in the flank,that's what you are"

"guilty as charged" the human agreed, pink in the face from his drink.

The stallion shook his head, his black main falling over his eyes as his own smirk grew larger on his face." you bastard, couldn't you of just gone away or quit. Those were the thoughts I had of you every day for months"

"good to know I'm so popular"

"but then...then you grew on me. Like an ugly weird wart that just wouldn't go away," the stallion admitted, blowing smoke out his mouth.

"love you too, jackass"

"incredibly racist vocabulary aside, you've somehow burrowed your way into my and all within Mortal heaven lives. For all your many, many faults you are a part of this family of mad ponies".

there was no sarcasm in this statement, it was genuine and the raised brows of the human was proof of how shocking it was to hear.

"wow Lou..shit, I didn't realize I was such a role model around here"

"what are you drunk? your a far cry from a role model, Abe," Lou said looking at his companion like he had grown a second head." the family dog or guild mascot is a much more fitting for you"

"Oh fuck you" Abe cursed.

"Pass, I don't cuddle colts" the stallion countered.

The human just stared at his friend, no comeback came to mind so he sagged with a sigh giving in.

"fine,you win "

The stallion took another drag.

Rubbing the back of his head the human tapped his fingers on the table in thought, only to stop and turn back to the stallion staring at the crowd.

"So aside from making me have another reason to want to bash you over the head with a rock what was the point of that speech?" Abe finally asked.

"The point is Abe, its hard to accept change,nopony wants to deal with unknown territory, be it moral obligations or alien guildmates" came the simple answer.

"Hey if you're trying to say I should just drop everything for a kid I don't even know for sure is mine then your crazy!" the human scowled, fist tightening into a ball on the table.

"I'm not saying drop to anything, Abraham" Lou clarified still facing the crowd, but the sound of him saying humans full name made the man's anger disappear almost instantly.

Lou only ever said his full name when he REALLY needed him to pay attention. In all the years they had known each other he had only done so a small handful of times.

all extremely important moments.

"All I'm saying is for you to pull your head out of your self-pity filled plot long enough to see you're not the only thing in this world with dreams and goals", Lou's tone was colder than usual, less relaxed more commanding, but non-threatening.

"Like it or not, that colt came a long way to come find you, said he came from a far away small town near the base of canterlot" he continued."He only had a bag pack with 4 days worth of food and a joy boy, yet Somehow, he managed to make it all stretch until he made it here" he finally turned his head to the human, eyes void of their usual passive amusement.

"Maybe your right, maybe he isn't your son" he outed his light by crushing it under his hooves, "But that colt truly does believe that he is and seems to want nothing more than to be acknowledged by you as his father"

Abe didn't know what words to use to counter this.

So he didn't.

The last of his drink was bottomed down his throat in a large gulp.

/~/

" So uh.."

"Button"

"Button, so what...what are you into?"

"Oh, lots of things! like I really, really like smoothies at the candy corner, oh and video games!. I really, really really like those, wanna see my high score on Super Mareio?"

"Uh, maybe another time butter"

"button"

"Right. So how..how old are you?" the human asked the colt sitting next to him at the bar, Lou was humming to himself on his seat behind the bar reading the news paper.

"Oh, I'm Nine but I'll be ten soon I think" Button supplied.

"Great, uh soo how did you get here. I mean I heard you got here from someplace near caterlot. That's not a short trip within walking distance" that question had been on his mind for a while now.

"Tell me about it" the colt said with the Irritated sigh " I was on those trains for like a looooong time,then I had to walk a reeealy long time to get to another train station, then I had to take wagon to get out of the last town " the brown colt explained using his hooves to emulate how long his journey was by waving.

"But then the pony pulling it wanted to turn back cause there was this weird eclipse thing that suddenly happened and it was really really dark and scary all day"

Abraham knew exactly what he was talking about, the crazy moon horse who tried to take over the world the day before yesterday, his guild mates were still celebrating it.

"So after that, I got up real early and gave up my last three bits for another wagon ride and was dropped off here, I had to use all the bits I saved for a month but it was worth it to finally meet you, daddy"

"kid, I'm not.....how exactly are you sure I'm your fa.. old man?" , he had to control himself, Lou's words still rang through his head.

"Well, are there any other humans around?"

"No.. well...are you sure your mom or guardian specifically said a human? I mean I don't really see anything. Human about you"

A fair question.

"Huh? you mean like having things like those hoove noodles you have, daddy?" button tapped at Abe's hands and eyeing the toe's on his shoeless feet.

"Yeah like that, you look like a regular colt to me, I mean if you really are half human I'd expect, well I don't know, a centaur or something"

"A what ?" button's head tilted

"A centaur. It's kinda like a half horse- "

"Daddy, that's a bad word"

-half human hybrid, human ontop horse down bellow" Abe explained from his brief memories of reading Percy Jackson in high school.

"Daddy, that's still a bad word"

"You have anything like that?" you cut into becoming curious himself.

He was planning on letting the potential father and son talk in private but he too had questions about the colt.

"No, I mean I like playing tag a lot, is that a human thing?" he asked Lou who smiled and shook his head.

"not exactly a unique quality "

"Oh, well I can't really think of anything else them" Button admitted.

"o' there you lads are, good to see you both getting along," said a feminine voice that reeked of a strong old English accent "oh com'ere you adorable lil' thing" Charlotte cooed as she glomped button up in a hug.

"Charlotte, your doing it again" Abe groaned rubbing the bridge of his nose.

Leave it to his partner to escalate something that's already awkward as all hell.

"Oh sod off yah grump. Can't a gal have a wee moment with cutest Lil' foal she's ever seen" she said rubbing her cheek on Button then blowing raspberries on his belly.

"s-stop! it tickles!" the colt laughed uncontrollably.

"I'm gonna eat you up yah cuttie," she said blowing on his rummy again getting another laugh out of him.

"Charlotte, for god sakes put him down " Abe knew she would just keep going until the colt pissed himself.

"Fine, but only 'cause I'm feeling peckish. Oy Louise!, get me five slices of apple pie, two large hay fries, four danishes with butter, an English muffin and half a cider barrel!" she shouted at the bartender who looked back at her unamused as she used that nickname.

"'A what will you two be having?" she asked rounding on the other two.

Abraham didn't even blink while Button openly gapped at her order.

"Trust me, this is nothing, she usually eats like a trash compactor and drinks like a whirlpool" Abe whispered to the colt.

But clearly, he didn't whisper quietly enough as the mare glared at him for a moment then looked down to the colt with a friendly smile.

"well go on then, order anything you want Lil' one, you must be starvin' from your long journey, it's all on me lad," she said placing a small menu on the Colts lap.

"You sure?I don't wanna be a bother, I'm out of Bits, but I can wash a few dishes to pay for a couple apple's-"

"Dear Celestia !, my heart!me poor heart! , it can't take this much more!. Louise!, get off your lazy ol' plot and get 'em everything on the damn menu and make it a double!" the mare shouted at the bartender, hoove slamming on the table.

"y-you don't have to miss, I just-"

"Not another word love," she said cooing, rubbing the Colts main affectionately, "just look at you, your way too thin. But don' worry, your dear aunt Charlotte will fatten you right up" she declared passing a plate of apple pie onto the colt practically forcing him to eat it.

All the while the colt sent a pleading look to his father, practically begging for help.

"hey trust me, kid, I can't stop her at this point, this is how most of her ten past pets usually went. Overfeeding "

Button ate half his body weight that day.

/~/

" You get good grades in your studies eh?" Charlotte asked a stuffed Button who only came out of his food coma a half hour ago.

"Yeah, mom said I'd get to have a T- for teens raised game if I got a lot of A's in school, so I'm third in class," the colt said sitting up on his chair feeling better as the food digested.

"Oh, that's me lad, making me proud!" Charlotte preened, puffing her chest out in pride tossing his main.

"I'm starting to wonder who's the one being accused of being the parent here" Abraham stated from his seat at the table watching the two with Lou behind the bar nodding with him as he was a plate.

The moment she came into the picture, Charlotte pretty much took over the conversation Abe was having with Button and was chatting with him for an hour now.

Neither males complained, it was an easier this way to just sit and watch for more information about the colt was given willingly.

"what about in the schoolyard, anyone givin' you any quarrels?" Charlotte asked.

"no, well actually kinda...but its embarrassing" Button admitted timidly with his head down.

"Com' now, no need to be shy, tell your Aunty who the colt is she needs to put in the emergency room" Charlotte coached, morbidly talking about critically injuring children like it was no big deal.

" Jesus Christ" Abe cursed under his breath. His partner had zero tact sometimes.

"well, it's not a colt...its a filly in my class, she's kinda mean to everypony but she likes to pick on colts and fillies who don't have their cutie marks yet... I don't have one so she picks on me a lot"

Abe and Lou couldn't help but crack small smiles at that. they were both adults, they knew by now that when girls Button's age act mean towards a boy, 9 out of 10 times it meant they had a crush on them.

Abraham still didn't believe for a second that the colt was his, but the bro code was at stake here so he'd give the colt a little heads up abo-

"Ooooh, is that it huh, well I think I know how to solve the issue," Charlotte said suddenly, a dark shadow hid her green eyes under her wild bangs.

"You do ?" Button asked, hopefull for a solution to his and many colts and fillies at ponyvile's problem.

"Yes I do love, next time you see this filly I want to smile at 'er real nice like, turn around ...and kick 'er square in the cun-!"

"Woah!" Abe cut her off by Placing his hands over the colt ears and frowning at her partner.
"Oops sorry, let me mouth a lil' loose there, not use to having Lil' ones around" she apologized sheepishly.

"kick her in the what?" Button asked.

"Nothing. Just tell a teacher next time" Abe said quickly, hoping to end the conversation.
"That'll never work, a bully won't stop until you give 'em the old' one-two to the plot!" Charlotte disagreed while illustrating with a hoove punch in the air.

In Charlotte's mind, might ALWAYS mean right.

"She actually has a point"

" Not.helping.Lou" the human seethed at the stallion shaking a martini mixer.

"Just speaking from experience," Lou said putting the drink in a glass passing it to a blue pegasus with a battle ax.

"Well, if its noticeable injuries you're tryin' to avoid, a good sleeper hold will choke out any Lil' sneaky cun-"

"Woah!" again abe had to cover the colt's ears.

"Me bad, sorry"

"Can we PLEASE just change the topic!?" Abe begged.

"Alright, alright" the pegasus mare gave,"so tell me, love, you have any fillies back home yah fancy?" a playfull smile form on her face when she saw the way Button blushed.

"i-i i ,w-ell ...i mean.." he stammered.

"Oh yah do!oh me Lil' lad is growing up so fast, where does the time go!" Charlotte said pulling him into another bear hug.

Poor colt was nearly crushed.

"You've known him for less than twenty-four hours," Abe said frankly, but waa completely Ignored.

"So whats the Lil' filly's name, com' on, com' on, don' leave your aunty in suspense now"
"..i-i mean..it's not really a f-filly-"

"Oh Celestia!, me lad is a fairy!" Charlotte shrieked in horror.

"Charlotte!"

"Oh, where did I go wrong?i raised you different I did. Why me lad Celestia?why I own Lil' lad!?"

"eh, it's trending in today's youth" shrugged Lou putting his two cents," I remember when it was just starting become all weird and fruity two decades or so back. Was really politically correct everywhere for about six years back then"

His words fell completely on deaf eyes as a dramatic Charlotte sat on the ground on her haunches bawling into a tissue.

"me lad'll never make me godfoals! me beautiful godfoals!" she blow a load of snot into the tissue and cried more about not being about to name the first born girl after herself now.

Abe had long since learned to block out her nonsense and choose to ignore her episode in favor of trying again at small talk with the colt.

"soo, you...like colts then?" Abe asked slowly, he never really thinking about such topics before in either this world or his own.

"what? no! I like mares daddy!" Button denied instantly with a gagging look on his face.
"Praise the sun and stars!!" Charlotte rejoiced in the background.

"i-t just...she's kinda older than me...like a lot older" Button admitted blushing harder than before.

If Button was just a couple years older, Abe might have asked jokingly whether he was talking 'hot college girl older, or sexy MILF older', but thankfully he had more self-control than his partner and just smiled into his mug.

"Aah, to be young and fall for a classy older mare. I remember those simpler days. Back when mares had pride in their behavior and acted with the highest of manners and social grace " Lou said, reminiscing with a look of nostalgia on his face.

"You talk like your not shagging every slut you can get your filthy hooves on, yah dirty ol' stallion"
"Charlotte!" Abe once again had to cover button's ears, right in the nick of time.

"Now that's completely untrue dear Charlotte, after all, I haven't once slept with you yet" Lou defended with a smirk.

The Zebra stallion he had just served a tray of pretzels to dropped them on the ground in favor of shouting the phrase "daaaaamn!"

"That's it! lad hold me cider!",she didn't even give Button a second to properly catch the almost empty jug of cider before she flows over the table and tackled the smirking bartender.

And just like that, a new fight had broken out, and better believe bets were being made.

From his seat, Abraham eyed the gawking colt stare in shock at the two adults before he fights and chuckled at his reaction.

"don't worry," the human said to the colt,"this happens all the time, just as long as no bones are broken too badly there's no need to sweat about it".

Now Button was gawking at him.

/~/

" I regret not a singular word" huffed a bandaged up Lou who sat on his haunches with an ice pack pressed against his left eye. His dress shirt was scuffed up and a bit of blood was on the collar, but only because if his cut bottom lip from a mean right hook from the mare sitting next to him.

"I regret not crushing yah wind pipe" grumbled Charlotte as she nursed her sore wing that still stung after Lou swung her by it into a wooden chair after she tackled him at the beginning of the brawl.

"kids play nice" Abe chastised as he wrapped more bandages around the mare's wing with practiced ease.

"Never/Sod off!" the two replied at the same time.

"Why can't I go a day without having to bandage somebody up?" Abraham sighed, resetting charlotte's shoulder with a quick snap.

The mare grimaced, but held a cheeky smile even with the pain," ah well, look at the bright side love, you get to feel up the most dashing mare this side of Equestria" she teased with a seductive batting of the eyes.

"what is Sapphire shores here?" Abe asked tying off the bandage off.

"that boney nag!?" the brown mare shrieked.

"I still can't believe how lucky you two were to snag that B-rank VIP protection quest" Lou chipped pulling off his ice bag. "one bodyguard mission with her as my client and I would have added a pop star to my list of conquests"

"what!?" the pegasus mare squawked rounding on him.

"Trust me, Lou, she's hot but kinda excen...crazy. She tried to make me go on tour with her as her 'pet talking monkey' after the job ended. She wanted to rename my bubbles." Abraham explained replacing the ice back with a new one " But yeah, I'd totally try hitting it too if it was a sure thing to be honest" a hint of a blush tinted the humans face.

Sapphire Shores, might be a bit batty, especially in her sense of fashion, but god damn if Abraham didn't give the mare a good once over or two when he was tasked with guarding her during her concert in Baltimare.

Maybe he should have agreed to be her pet. Then he'd get to look at that ass all day, a caller wouldn't be so bad.

"perverts!, the both of yah!" Charlotte shouted.

"With a plot like that she could be a mass murderer and I'd still give it a go, Abe," Lou said without a care of the seething mare next to him.

" lad, cover your ears!. I don't want you to be infected with your father and this ol' leech's filth!" Charlotte demanded to Button who was sitting alone at a table right next to them with a very confused look on his face.

"but, I have no clue what they're even talking about?"

"GOOD!"

/~/

it was very late at night.

Most of the guild had either left to there rooms in the building or in motels a few miles away.
Only small handfull of ponies were left in the main hall, that included you who was closing the bar as the last few stone drunk ponies staggered out of the building.

He pulled down his black tie-loosening it as he throws a blanket on a heavily drunk sleeping Charlotte who had taken to sleeping ontop one of the random tables.

She was nuzzling several empty cider mugs.

Lou just shook his head with an easy smile as he did the same with other sleeping drunkards in the room.

Off to the side near a window was the potential father and son duo sat still awake staring at the stars up in the sky.

"okay, I think we've put this off long enough," the human said standing up with a stretch, wiggling his toes on the wooden floor "who is she? "

"huh?" the colt looked up to the man.

"your mother, who is she. Because I definitely never heard of or been to a place called Ponyville ever, so I doubt she and me ever...copulated" he said choosing his words carefully.

It would have been hard and extremely uncomfortable to say to a foal, ' hey I'm not sure if I creampied your mom and knocked her up with you', yeah, pretty sure he'd scare the kid for life with just the mental image.

"Oh, mom said I wasn't born there, she said we moved to Ponyvile when I was really really little. Something about a fresh start in a quieter place" Button said with a yawn.

"Quite place...", something about those words caused a chill to run up Abraham's spine.

"Yeah, mom said she use to live in a big city, lots of tall buildings and loud business ponies. Said it'd be no place to race a family" the colt informed rubbing his eyes, yawning again.

"...was this place.Manehattan?" the human as out of the blue, a cold sweat was forming on his face as he stared at the colt with a never before seen alertness in his eyes. His fingers were gripping the table hard.

"Yeah!,that's the name!mom never liked talking about it though, so I keep forgetting it" Button confirmed laying on his side, feeling tired for the first time all night.

Abraham brought both his now trembling hands on the colts shoulders and gently angling his to look forwards into his nervous face.

"Buttom...answer me very honestly," Abraham said with the utmost seriousness." whats your mothers name?"

The colt blinked half asleep, just barely staying conscious.

"Sounds -yawn-... weird calling mom by her name, daddy-yawn-...but okay. Her name is ........... Lovetap" and just like that the colt finally nodded off to the land of dreams.

And so did the human who suddenly passed out alongside him a moment later.

Abraham should really add more sugar to his diet.

It wasn't normal to faint so many times a day.

/~/

AUTHOR'S NOTE:
Well, that was a thing, my writing is still rough but I've improved by at least 15% compared to the first chapter.

And yes, mortal heaven is heavily inspired by the fairy tail guild, only instead of famed as the strongest guild, the mortal heaven is considered a low-level group in the adventuring world. Most just join as the very last resort to pay the bills and make a living.

In the 30+ guilds in the world, it would be ranked somewhere in the bottom 20.
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