Twilight Gets Coffee

by Kulpa

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Slice of Life, Human, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 1571

Twilight Sparkle goes to get coffee.

Twilight can be a bit of a pain when she doesn't get her coffee made right. But seriously how hard is it to make somepony's coffee right?

Probably classify this as a small 'crackfic' to be honest.

Published 2017-12-05 23:40:12 UTC
Last updated 2017-12-05 23:40:12 UTC

Twilight's a Bitch

Twilight woke up early in the morning every day before Celestia raised the sun. She had shit to do, books to read, lists to make, friendship lessons to prepare, and just other mundane princess shit that comes with the title. Waking up at this ungodly hour was a requirement if she wanted to get everything done on time and maximize efficiency. There was just one problem with waking up this early, she was a groggy, irritable, and wanted to killed everyone and everything until she got her cup of coffee.

Essentially, morning Twilight equaled, stay the fuck out of her way unless you had coffee.

That one perfectly brewed container of liquid heaven, nirvana within the mouth. If made correctly, that first sip would cause a warm glow to overtake her body; small, mild tremors of happiness would course through her body. Along with all of that the caffeine would give her the much needed jolt of energy to clear the fatigue, fog, and murderous thoughts from her mind.

Twilight with coffee was happy Twilight.

Twilight got out of bed and grumbled into her bathroom, she quickly freshened up and went back into her bedroom and grabbed her wallet. With a flash of her horn she instantly teleported to her favorite coffee shop on Earth.

Dunkin Donuts… Get out while you still can you coffee nerds.

A flash, a crackle, and a pop later and Twilight stood in the parking lot of a small Dunkin Donuts on this early morning. The line in the drive thru was packed and peering into the store through the large windows showed the lobby had a large line as well. Twilight huffed in frustration and stomped her hoof. She hoped she would be able to be in and out with her precious cup of coffee, but ever since she started coming to this store more and more patrons seemed to be frequenting this place.

When Twilight first appeared on Earth in front of this small town Dunkin and walked in trying to order a cup of coffee all hell broke loose. People were freaking the fuck out. And that’s putting it mildly. I mean come on, a purple horse with wings, a horn, that could talk, and do real life magic appearing out of the nether… Even the best drugs in the world couldn’t fuck you up enough to see that shit.

Eh, maybe I need to go to Amsterdam.

Droves of news teams flocked to interview Twilight and the store’s employees. Things got weird when one news team consisting of two mustached men, a man in a cowboy hat, and mentally ill man started fighting all the other news outlets in the parking lot, but eventually that died down and the craziness resumed. The National Guard was called in and government agencies that no one had even heard of started to take control of the situation.

Over the course of (I don’t know, pick your own believable timeframe) everything was smoothed over and life on Earth carried on as normal, with the exception of a purple pony princess popping by to get coffee and some new cults and religions starting up claiming that she was a god. Twilight could come by anytime and get a cup of coffee and no one would lose their shit anymore. She would still get weird looks and people would still whisper about her, but hell she dealt with that in Ponyville. And besides, she just wanted her cup of coffee and to leave.

Twilight currently stood at the back of the line inside Dunkin waiting to reach the counter and order that perfect moment of bliss. The line moved at a steady pace as customers ordered, received their drink, and left or sat down inside the lobby. After what felt like eternity Twilight was at the front counter and ready to recite her order.

“Hi, what can I get for you this morning?” the counter person asked.

“My covfefe,” Twilight unintelligibly mumbled.

The counter person gave her a confused look. “Um, I sorry I didn’t quite catch that.”

“Medium, coffee,” Twilight said.

The counter person only heard Twilight’s first word and was still confused, but there was a large line behind her and she hoped that ringing her up for a medium black coffee would do the trick. At worst she thought that if the pony wanted cream or sugar in her coffee then she could go over to one of the counters and put it in herself.

Oh… You thought wrong newbie.

Quickly the counter person rung in the coffee and poured a freshly brewed cup for Twilight. Once she paid, Twilight was handed her coffee, took it in her magic glow and sipped. Retching at the taste and the insult that this coffee was , Twilight spit the hot coffee out in a fine mist onto the counter person’s face. This caused everyone in the lobby to gasp and stare in shock at what had just happened.

“What. Is. This?” Twilight asked opening the lid of her coffee and tilting it towards the counter person. Her face was unamused and her eyes flashed with anger.

The counter person was in shock, the mist of coffee wasn’t painful, it was just startling, no one had ever spit coffee on her before, this was barely her third day on the job and she didn’t know what to do. She whimpered slightly and stepped closer to the counter to hopefully defuse and fix the situation. “It-it-it’s your coffee miss. Is there something wrong with it?”

Obviously there’s something wrong with it you dunce.

Twilight was furious, all she ever wanted was her coffee and for it to be made right. And this little bitch had fucked it up. With one swift motion from Twilight’s magic the scalding hot contents of her cup were hurled at the impertinent little whelp who fucked up her coffee. The coffee hit the poor employee right in the chest and splattered up on to her neck and throat. A bloodcurdling scream came from the burnt employee as she clutched at her neck in pain.

“This isn’t my coffee you moron! I come in here every morning and get the same coffee! I’m the only sapient talking animal on your fucking planet, how can you not make my coffee right!” Twilight screamed this and moron belligerent vile at the burnt employee who was now on the floor crying. Twilight place her front two hooves on the counter and spread her wings wide making her a lot bigger. “I’m a fucking princess! I demand that my coffee be remade correctly and that your life be ended immediately!”

Jesus Christ Twilight, that’s a bit extreme. I think even Luna would agree.

Other employees rushed over to aid their injured employee while the manager walked up to the counter to deal with Twilight.

“Miss I’m banning you from this store permanently and if you don’t leave immediately and go back to whatever hell you came from then I’m calling the cops and pressing charges. You just assaulted my employee again…I can’t have that in my store. I don’t care who you are,” the manager stated firmly.

“Fuck you! All I want is my coffee and if I don’t get it in the next fifteen seconds then I’ll turn everyone here into a potato!”
Twilight was panting in anger trying to look as threatening as possible.

The manager just rolled his eyes and sighed. “Miss, you’ve made this threat five other times and not once have I given you your coffee and not once have you turned us all into potatoes. I’ve put up with your bull shit long enough and now you are no longer welcome in my store.”

Twilight continued to make a scene, flipping over tables and chairs and breaking anything else that wasn’t anchored down. She was having a good old fashioned melt down over coffee. The manager walked into the back office, grabbed his phone, and came back up front and began dialing for the police.

“You need to leave now miss, I’m calling the cops and once they get here they’ll lock your ass up.”

Twilight saw the phone in the manager’s hand. Maybe it was time for a more diplomatic approach.

Twilight composed herself quickly and looked at the manager with pleading eyes. "I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me. I just really want my coffee, Is there anyway we can overlook all this and just let me get my coffee that I paid for?"

"No. That was the lamest apology I've ever heard. The cops will be here in five minutes," the manager said.

Twilight shrugged, she had given it her best effort, but to no avail. She looked around at the complete and utter destruction she had done to the store’s lobby and was happy with it all. Not a shred of remorse would be found in her body if you tried.

It was time for her to leave before the cops showed up and tried to arrest her belligerent fucking ass.

With a smug grin she said, “Fuck you! Your coffee sucks anyway!” then her horn lit and she snap, crackle, and popped her ass out of there.

Twilight needs to start brewing her own god damn coffee.

Author's Note

Sadly, I've had to deal with customers like Twilight... Fucking Cunts