Coagulation

Lazuli didn’t know where she was.

Yes I do. She corrected herself.

She could tell from the cold against her back. The wind whipping her mane up and down. The snow slowly covering her already pure white body and making it almost completely impossible to see.

She wasn’t alive. Some part of her was telling her that. She didn’t know which part, but she knew it was wrong.

She was in agonizing pain. Her wings were both crumpled beneath her, and every attempt to move any part of her body was met with a burning agony that she had never felt the likes of before. She couldn’t move anything below her wings, and she imagined if she could, it would just hurt even more. Even her attempts to move her jaw brought pain – mainly because her teeth were still frozen together.

The tips of her ears were numb. Her wingtips were as well. Her nose was on the verge of reaching that point too, not that she could move it.

Why did I pick a snowy place…tears attempted to roll down her face, but were stopped by the snow covering half of it, and they froze to add to the buildup. Fuck…sweet fucking Celestia, it burns…

She had no other knowledge except pain. She couldn’t even figure out another word to describe what she was feeling, because no others fit it properly. She wanted to black out, constantly, and tried even closing her eyes and forcing herself to, but she couldn’t. Every time she tried, something moved, and a new wave of agony racked through her like molten lava coursing through every blood vessel in her body.

At some point she stopped paying attention. Her mind tried to drift to other places, but was yanked back, so she just laid there, feeling snow piling on top of her…one flake at a time…

Something grabbed hold of her mane and yanked her body a full 90 degrees, a truly agonizing – for she realized her use of the word before was completely irrelevant compared to this – wave of fresh pain rolling through her. her teeth came free of their frozen imprisonment, her mouth opening wide as a horrified, rippling scream echoed out into the vast, empty expanse of white snow.

She faintly saw a purple glow encase her vision, before she was finally allowed to pass out.

Shining Armour was the first one to enter the room for almost three hours. He had seen her in the operating room – he knew she had been there for over twelve hours or more. He still didn’t want to believe what was lying on the bed, but he had to.

Never in his most painful dreams had he imagined he would see Dusk Rider like this. A broken mare. Lying on a hospital bed, both hind legs wrapped in casts, her body from the shoulders down put in similar immobile material, her head wrapped with a bandage that was already stained red. That was just the major parts. Her wings were both spread out at her sides, but they looked more like badly shredded leaves than the majestic blue fans they had once been. Rips and tears ran through their surface, the bones almost all broken entirely. One of her front legs – her right one – was also wrapped, but not broken. Her tail, which was arguably the most unique part about her, was in a cast up to its tip, and hanging off the bed in its own small sling.

“Sweet Celestia…” He muttered to himself as he shut the door behind him. “Is she…okay?” He asked the doctor, who was standing nearby. The blue unicorn had a dazzling silver mane and tired green eyes.

“She’s stable.” He replied. “But…I’d hesitate to call it ‘okay’. She’s sustained heavy damage to her spine. And…well…everything else.”

“Do you have any idea how this happened? Was she shot down by sentries? Attacked by wolves?”

“From what we can tell, this was…” The doctor cleared his throat. “…self-induced.”

Shining Armour took a moment to process the information. “I…really? You mean…she was…”

“I won’t make any official statements on it, but that is what it looks like.”

“…I see. Well…thank you. Is it possible that you might leave us for just a few minutes…?

“Of course. Just be careful not to move her.” The doctor opened the door with his magic, stepped out, and shut it behind him.

The white unicorn stallion slowly plodded up to the bed, taking a seat next to it. He got a closer look at her face – she looked peaceful. Her eyes were closed, her mouth very slightly open. He could only imagine how must pain she must have been in, though.

“N…nnhg…”

She seemed almost to respond to his entrance, her eyelids lifting only a fraction of an inch. “Who…s…” She coughed a bit, her body attempting to jerk with the movement, but unable to do so. “Where….”

Shining spoke gently and softly. “Dusk. You’re in the Crystal Empire.”

“Crys…nooo…” The Dracony weakly groaned, her voice so soft he had to turn his ear to her just to hear it. “That…’s…where…Shini…is…”

“Dusk…”

“’m not…Dusk…”

Shining blinked and cleared his throat. “Uh, right…Lazuli. You’re in the hospital. You fell while you were flying.”

Lazuli’s face twisted into a grimace. “F…fuck…rrgh…” She tried to shift, but the only thing she could really move was her left hoof, and even that was weak. “W…wa…ter…”

Shining quickly picked up a glass from the table and levitated it to Lazuli’s lips. The Dracony struggled to even sip it, but managed to take a mouthful and swallow. Her face twisted again as her muscles dragged it down.

Slowly the mare’s eyes opened wider, though they didn’t open more than halfway. She was almost immediately squinting in the harsh light of the hospital room, and her eyes took several minutes to adjust. Shining remained silent during that time, until her eyes – she couldn’t move her neck – trained on him.

“…Shining…” She said slowly, her voice still rough and quiet.

“Yeah, that’s me.” He gave her his warmest smile, gently resting his hooves on the edge of the bed. “Can you see?”

“Yeah…I see…” She coughed a bit, gritting her teeth and inhaling sharply at the pain it sent through her. “One…pile of…shit…”

Shining winced, but didn’t directly reply. “Dusk- er- Lazuli. I know you’re mad at me, I know you don’t want to talk to me, that’s fine. But I need you to tell me…you crashed, right? You were flying and you crashed.”

“Leave me…alone…”

“Lazuli, this is important.”

“Just…go away…”

“Please. I need to make sure you didn’t do something that all of us would-“

“It…was…on…purpose.”

The unicorn drew in a deep breath. “You…don’t mean that, right? You’re joking.”

“Fuck…yourself…”

“Lazuli, you’re not serious, are you?”

He got no response. Lazuli just stared at the wall opposite her. Her eyes were barely open.

“Lazuli.” He waited, but she didn’t respond at all. “Lazuli!”

The doctor poked his head back in. “I think it’s best if you leave her be for now, sir…”

“Just…one more minute.” Shining nodded at the doctor, who just sighed and shut the door again. “Lazuli. Dusk. Whatever you want to call yourself right now.” He resisted the urge to grab hold of her hoof. “Please. I want you to realize that you don’t have to feel this way. You have ponies that care about you. Now more than ever.”

Again, there was no response. He simply stood up, sighing and shaking his head. “I’ll be here every day you know.

“…mhm.”

“Every day.”

Lazuli forced as much of a nod as she could manage.

“Every day until the day you’re well enough to run out of here and abandon us. But we’re not going to kick you out.”

“Yeah…” Lazuli forced a smirk. “You…take the high road…on this one.” She growled and clenched her jaw, her whole body shuddering with a wave of fresh fire. “What a good…little…fucking…colt…”

Shining opened the door and stepped out. He glanced over his shoulder at Lazuli, whose face twitched every few seconds as her wounds and various broken bones throbbed.

“Er, prince Shining Armour.” The doctor shut the door slowly, and Shining turned to face him with a bit of a frown.

“Yes?” He cleared his throat.

“Well…” The unicorn lifted his clipboard and flipped through a few notes. “Based on Ms…Cutter’s condition, she will take months to recover. It will be at least a month before she’ll be able to even think about walking, and…even then…”

The doctor watched Shining’s expression remain unchanged, and continued. “Well…she’ll need someone to be there. We’ve already sent word to Ponyville. The Dracony’s caretakers-“

“Friends.” Shining said with a much deeper tone.

“…e-er…right…her friends…are already on their way.”

“And who does this include?”

“Well…Starlight Glimmer, and I believe a erm…Fizzlepop Berrytwist?”

“Not the others?”

“Princess Twilight and her friends said it was best if they didn’t come. I’m not sure why.”

Shining nodded slowly. “Right…anything else?”

“Her condition is uncertain right now. I can’t ask her to walk yet, it would be truly cruel. However…I need to know the extent of the damage. Based on the operation alone I can assume her spinal cord is damaged below the wings, but…if that is the case, her hind legs are paralyzed.”

“…and when can we be sure?”

“Like I said. At least a month.”

“Alright. Well I want to make something very clear first. You are to treat this mare with as much dignity and respect as any other pony, do you understand me? No matter how she reacts to it.”

“Of course, sir.” The doctor bowed his head.

Satisfied, Shining Armour turned away and began to walk down the hall, heading back to the throne room.

Lazuli hadn’t known true boredom until now.

Not an ounce of excitement could come from a hospital room. That wasn’t something she had been told before – just what she decided based on the two days she had spent here already. It was almost humiliating, on top of the horrible boredom. Her mind had nothing to think about anymore, she had run through everything she could.

She had to be spoon-fed by a nurse. That was the humiliating part. She obviously wasn’t rude to her – the unicorn was a sweet and kind mare, she had nothing bad to say about her. But still, she couldn’t handle the idea of having to be fed, completely unable to move any part of herself to allow her to even feed her own body.

When Fizzlepop arrived, it was some reprieve. Starlight seemed to have come more for emotional support than actual talking, since for the entire first visit she only said a few words. Fizzle went through all kinds of emotions within the first few minutes. Relief came first, the unicorn having to stop herself from hugging the immobile Dracony. Next came anger, a brief scolding being delivered to Lazuli, lecturing her about her carelessness – she hadn’t been told the full truth. After that, it was mainly calm. The two talked for a bit…but then that was over. Two hours of talking with her friend, and then another twenty-two of boredom.

The days ticked by like a clock that had no gears. That was what it felt like, anyway. The best she had was eventually being allowed to use both hooves, though she still couldn’t feed herself. It allowed her to read, though.

The first month felt like an eternity. She felt like she had spent thirty years in that bed. The daily visits from Starlight and Fizzle, who both had rented out an apartment to stay in the Crystal Empire while she got better, were her only comfort. This was hundreds of thousands of times worse than what she had experienced in the Canterlot dungeon. It would probably take her months of therapy just to be able to walk – let alone build her muscles back properly.

Of course, that was when she realized the full extent of what had happened to her.

It was her first day of attempting to walk. Of attempting to move anything more than her front legs, really. The doctors had commanded it, and she was more than happy to try. She didn’t have any bandages on her head or front hooves anymore, and the neck brace had been carefully removed. Her whole back end, however, was still tightly braced and held in place. To allow proper movement the doctors had rigged up an elaborate set of metal and plastic braces that still kept her spine from moving too much, since its bones were still fragile, but still allowed her to walk. She looked like a creature that had eaten some kind of metal skeleton and failed to shit it out properly.

Still, it was necessary, she supposed. She was just itching to move. As she was helped off of the bed with a bit of magic, she rested her front hooves on the floor, using the nurse’s magic to support herself. She was faintly aware that she couldn’t feel her tail.

“Alright, now I need you to try and take a step forward, Lazuli.” Her doctor said softly. She breathed heavily, her front leg already shaking as she lifted the right one and brought it forward. “Good. Now…try moving your hind leg.”

Lazuli’s brain sent the signals, but something wasn’t right. While her front legs and everything above the base of her wings were fine, she couldn’t move her hind legs even a bit. Not an inch. She couldn’t even feel if they were touching the ground.

She tried not to panic. “I…I can’t feel…I can’t feel my hind leg, doc.”

“Both?”

“Y-yeah, are…are they even on the ground?”

“They are. Try moving them. At least think about it. I need to see.”

She tried again to move them, but the limbs didn’t even twitch.

“…hm…” The doctor tapped his chin with a pen, and started scribbling down notes.

“Wh-what the fuck’s wrong with my legs…?”

“Calm down, Lazuli. It’s only a small problem. I’m sure we can-“

“I can’t feel my fucking legs and you’re telling me to calm down?! How do I know you didn’t cut them off?!” She started panicking, her breath accelerating to dangerous levels.

“Just look underneath you Lazuli- you need to calm down, you’re breathing far too heavily.”

Lazuli staggered backwards, but her body wasn’t used to holding her weight anymore. It wasn’t even used to moving. The nurse barely managed to catch her before she hurt herself, and she felt a needle jab into her foreleg. “Y-you- you- what happened to me?! You crazy bunch of…bunch…of…I…have…y…” Her eyes rolled back slightly and she fell limp in the nurse’s grip. As she fell into a peaceful slumber, the mare gently rested her body back on the bed, slowly dismantling the braces and replacing them with tight bandages that prevented excessive movement but still allowed a certain amount.

“We may need to…” The nurse began.

“I know.” The doctor sighed, wiping his glasses against his lab coat. “…put her on the schedule. She’ll need an operation for sure…”

“Are you sure she can handle that without us telling her first? She’s clearly…distraught.”

“We’re only going to attempt to repair the nerve endings, Velvet.” The doctor placed the clipboard on the bedside table. “If that fails, we’ll consider the next step.”

The nurse glanced at Lazuli with an expression that held nothing but pity. “The poor thing…”

“Mmhm. Tragic, really.” The doctor said absentmindedly, sliding the clipboard into the slot on the door and opening it. “Come on. We need to make sure the operating room is prepped.”

“Yes, doctor.” The nurse stopped in the doorway, staring back at Lazuli’s sleeping form…before she followed her superior and shut the door behind her.

Two months.

It was an abrupt time change, but Lazuli’s memories were so boggled that she could only remember the events three months after her first attempt to walk.

She had spent probably a total of several days in the operating room but nothing worked. They couldn’t make her regain feeling in her legs, and she refused to let them amputate.

Her mental condition deteriorated with its physical counterpart. While the hospital staff did what they could to keep her active, having her do basic exercises in bed, getting her out of bed and putting her hind legs on a sort of pair of training wheels to at least allow her to move…it didn’t work.

Fizzlepop and Starlight had left two days ago. Both of them had things to do, and they couldn’t stay in the Crystal Empire forever. Lazuli understood, but she hadn’t said anything when they came in to tell her.

She wished she had. Now she found herself sitting on the edge of the bed – or, well, hanging off the edge of the bed, for she couldn’t bring herself to call it sitting when she had no control over where her legs went – and staring at the wall.

The door opened. Lazuli slowly looked up. Her eyes weren’t even blue anymore – they were more of a silvery grey that carried only the faintest hints of bluish light. Her mane was a mess and was rarely styled.

“Hey…” The nurse walked in. Bless her, Lazuli thought to herself. I would’ve given up trying to take care of me by now.

Velvet Rose was a pretty mare, albeit a bit on the heavy side. Her fur was white, perhaps closer to grey, and her mane was a light minty green.

“…hey.” Lazuli sighed.

“How’re you doing today, champ?” She trotted in slowly, carrying a tray with food in front of her.

“I’m…” Lazuli had lost her will to keep herself from crying, too. She was pretty sure she was constantly dehydrated from how many tears she shed. “It’s whatever.” She shook her head and laid back down in the bed. She had to physically lift her hind legs just to swing them over and lie down.

“I heard your friends left.” Velvet said quietly, placing the tray on the larger table that rolled up from the base of the bed, right up to Lazuli’s chest. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine. They had things to do…you can’t keep living somewhere just to see your crippled friend.”

“Oh, come now...” Velvet picked up a hairbrush with her magic and started to fix Lazuli’s hair, brushing it so it slightly covered her left eye. “Don’t be like that, you’re gonna make an old unicorn cry.”

Lazuli lifted the fork to her mouth to eat. At least she was trusted with solids now, though she couldn’t exactly place what kinds of vegetables were in here – she wasn’t even looking at it. “I’m sorry.”

“No no, don’t be sorry.” Velvet put the hairbrush down and sat down in the chair beside the bed. “It’s not your fault.”

Lazuli kept eating slowly, the quiet chewing being the only sound in the room for a few minutes. “…Velvet?” They were on a first name basis at this point, but they were like that from the beginning.

“Yeah?”

“…do you think…I’ll ever be able to be…normal?”

“Oh, don’t say things like that…” The nurse leaned in and gently nuzzled Lazuli’s cheek. “You’re going to be fine. Maybe you can’t walk like everypony else, but…you will be fine.”

Lazuli’s next inhale was shaky. She wiped her eye with a hoof. “I’m…I’m such a fucking idiot…”

“Stop talking like that.” Velvet frowned. “You’re one of the bravest patients I’ve ever met. Don’t think I haven’t been told everything…”

The Dracony turned her head to Velvet. “So…you know me, then.”

“Better than a lot of ponies, I’d say.” She smiled warmly, though her eyes proclaimed tiredness. “Oh, by the way. Your friends wrote you a letter.” Her horn lit up in its shimmering blue fashion and levitated over an envelope.

“…oh. Thank you.” Lazuli took it.

“Want some time alone?” Velvet asked.

“I…maybe just a few minutes, yeah.”

Velvet nodded and stood up, slowly opening the door and stepping out, shutting it softly behind her.

Lazuli’s first instinct was to open it with her tail, but she couldn’t do that, so she used her teeth and pulled out the letter.

Lazuli,

Already she was surprised. She didn’t know Fizzle wrote so beautifully.

We know how you’re feeling. Starlight and I are extremely sorry that we couldn’t stay longer. If it were possible, we’d stay until you were well enough to come home with us…but we couldn’t. I’m sorry, we both are.

But you need to get better. I know how you were when we were there, and I doubt it would get much better without us. You need to do your best to rest up and recover. You can’t come back if you don’t…maybe if you get well enough we can have you moved to the Ponyville hospital, but that’s only if you get well enough.

Understand that, Laz? Please don’t give up. Please. Believe it or not, everyone here is worried for you. Well, I don’t know if Rainbow Dash is…but everyone else I know for a fact. Their daily meetings often involve talking about you.

So please, don’t give up. Do what the doctors tell you and get better. For me, at least.

Your friend,

Fizzlepop.

Lazuli felt a lump forming in her throat again. She took a few deep, shuddering breaths, and gently hugged the letter against her chest. Tears dripped down her cheeks as she laid there, embracing an inanimate object that held no thoughts or feelings…and yet it made her feel so much better.

She stayed like that for a few minutes, hugging the sheet of paper to herself like it was a prized teddy bear. She heard the door open…

But it wasn’t Velvet who came in. Instead, she saw the blank expression of Princess Cadence standing there, shutting the door behind her.

“…hi.” Normally, Lazuli might have said something like ‘what do you want?’ or ‘go away,’ but she couldn’t bring herself to.

Cadence, surprisingly, formed a smile across her lips. “Hi there.”

“…what is it you want?” Lazuli asked, gently folding the letter and placing it on the table. “To tell me I’m an idiot? Tell me I did something stupid and I’m a reckless dumbass?” She smiled back.

“Well…no.” Cadence shook her head. “What you did was foolish, yes, but I’d never call you an idiot for it.”

“That’s why it took you three months to talk to me?”

“Well…I wanted to make sure you were okay before I tried.” She sat down next to the bed.

Lazuli just sighed. “Alright. What do you want, then?”

“I don’t want anything, Lazuli.” Cadence frowned. “Look. Maybe I was a bit harsh with you the last time we met. But you have to understand what it looked like from my perspective…”

“Yeah, I know. Hiring a criminal to kill a noble and basically give her freedom…”

“…yeah.” Cadence paused for a minute. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you…you know…feel unwanted. Now that I know more about Tempest, I’m…actually really glad you got rid of him.”

“Makes two of us.” Lazuli smiled softly, turning her head to face Cadence properly.

The princess of love grimaced a bit as she saw the state of the Dracony. Her fur was a bit messy, but underneath, she could tell Lazuli was not healthy. She was naturally athletic, so this was like torture for her, and her hind legs were bent at somewhat odd angles simply because she couldn’t feel them. “…Lazuli…you’ve done a lot of bad things. I can’t say that isn’t true.” She shook her head. “But this…you nearly died.”

“Yeah. Kind of the point.”

“Lazuli.” Cadence gently put her hoof on the Dracony’s. “What would your parents think, if they were still here?”

Lazuli’s body – or at least the parts of it that could move – tensed up. Her eyes shot up to glare into Cadence’s, but the alicorn gently lit up her horn and the Dracony felt almost unable to be angry. “My…parents…would probably have done…” She cleared her throat. “D-done the same thing, really.”

“No, no they wouldn’t have.” Cadence said with a certainty that had Lazuli almost fuming. “Do you want to know how I know that?”

“Now you’re gonna tell me some bullshit story about how you used to know them, or something.”

The pink princess shook her head. “Not them. But I knew your brother.”

“Go fuck yourself. He’s dead. Don’t even try to use this manipulative crap on me.”

“He wasn’t dead the last time I saw him.”

“And when was that, miss immortal alicorn?”

“Two years ago.”

Again, Lazuli was shocked into silence. Her eyes continued to stare into Cadence’s, but the princess showed no sign of lying at all. “You…you’re…this is just cruel. You came here to torture me. Go away.”

“I’m not lying, Lazuli. I’m telling you that your family wouldn’t have ever supported this. You have a chance at getting a new life. There are going to be problems, and some ponies you think are friends might turn out to be against you, or just not care. But you need to get past that.”

“Y-you’re…you’re just glossing over the fact that you saw my brother two years ago.”

“Well, I did.”

“Black and red mane?”

“Mhm.”

“Red eyes?”

“Yes.”

“…I…but…”

Cadence placed her hoof on Lazuli’s shoulder. “He’s alive. But he took a path that’s way different from yours. For one, he was conscripted into the Guard when he was taken away…”

“The…b-but…how did I never…”

“He became a member of the Honour Guard four years ago. When we came to the Crystal Empire he was one of a few selected guards to protect us while everything was settled.”

“Where…where is…”

“I don’t know where he is. In fact, nopony does.” She shook her head. “He took the same path as you in one way. He left the guard. We haven’t had a clue where he is for almost a year now.”

Lazuli took in the information and let it process, then suddenly grabbed Cadence by her shoulders and dragged her closer. “Why the fuck did you even mention it if you don’t know where he is?! Why would you do that?!”

Cadence allowed the Dracony to yell, then sighed.

“Because it gives you something to live for.”

Lazuli’s grip was tight, but it loosened slightly at the alicorn’s remark. “Y-you…” She let go of Cadence, her hooves shaking. “Y-you’re…not kidding me, right? This…h-he…he’s really alive?”

“As alive as I can call a pony.” Cadence nodded.

“I…I have to find him.”

“Well you can’t do that if you keep trying to end your own life.”

“…I…” Lazuli grabbed both of Cadence’s hooves. “I’m sorry.”

The pink alicorn slowly leaned down, pressing her horn to Lazuli’s forehead. “Shhhh. It’s okay. Just calm down and rest, now. You need to recover before you can go looking for anything…”

“But…my legs…”

“We have doctors working on a solution. You’ll never walk normally again, that much is obvious, but…hopefully we can at least make you properly mobile.”

“…alright.”

“That’s it?”

“I really don’t know what to say…I…I don’t deserve all this.”

“My husband used to have a liking for you.” Cadence smiled warmly. “If that doesn’t make you a good pony in my book, I don’t know what will. It makes you worth it.”

Lazuli exhaled slowly, looking up and meeting Cadence’s eyes. “…thank you. Really. I mean it.”

“It’s alright.” Cadence gently wrapped her arms around the Dracony, giving her a tight but soft squeeze. “I’ll be around. I can’t visit you in your dreams of course…but if you need me, just ask.”

“I…r-really appreciate it.” Lazuli’s eyes watered slightly as she embraced the princess. “And I’m sorry. For…everything.”

“Don’t be sorry.” Cadence slowly pulled away and sighed. “But promise me you’ll do what the doctors say, okay? Even if it’s not comfortable.”

“I’ll do anything to get me off this bed.”

The princess laughed, her gentle giggle sounding like crystal bells in the wind. “Good. I’ll see you soon, Lazuli.” She stood up, her horn glowing and opening the door.

She stepped out, and Lazuli gently laid her head back. When the door closed, she took a heavy breath. I’m not letting myself die here…