“Hey Lady, wanna /ss/?”
Lickety Split looked down at her “companion” Spike, and grimaced.
“Spike, you know that’s a big no-no, and I don’t do big no-nos.”
“But when the flower mare said that she didn’t have any sunflowers, you threw the cart and cried that you were being oppressed.”
“That’s not a real no-no,” she said with a toss of her pink-maned head. “That’s because ponies are always so mean to me, and they just make me want to cry. It’s why I’m forced to hang out with you, Spike.”
“I thought the reason I hang out with you was because Princess Twilight saw this huge flash of light, and then assigned me to be your friend.”
“Yeah, that was a real disappointment,” Lickety Split sighed. “Everything has been disappointing lately, especially since everyone pretty much ignores me now. You know what I need?”
“Ice Cream? Also, Everypony,” he responded in a voice that would probably get him bitch-slapped in the wrong company.
“Wow!” she exclaimed. “You didn’t say ‘my dick’ for a change! Maybe you really are developing as a character after all, Spike.”
She doubted it.
“Cause if you want some ice cream, I got this popcicle stick…”
Lickety Split sighed heavily and pouted, like she always did, even when she was happy or singing. It seemed to be all she was good for. Well, that and making people upset. She was really good at that!
“Sometimes I wonder if ponies even listen to me… Like I’m screaming out endlessly into a void of apathetic nonchalance. I wonder if there’s even a reason for this. Everything. Anything at-”
“I’m talking about my penis,” Spike interrupted.
“Aren’t you always?” Lickety Split snapped. “Anyway, ice cream sounds pretty good to me. At least it loves me. Except for when it gives me the toots.”
“Gross. Don’t be Gross, Licky-Lick.”
And so the protagonists of our short little tale set off, one a malformed abomination in a world where they don’t belong, and the other Lickety Split. No sooner had they arrived at town then Lickety Split suddenly spotted a colt playing with a ball with an ice cream symbol on his flank, just like hers. Well, except that his was better outlined and colored, like someone had actually taken time and effort to create it.
“Spike, who is that colt over there?” Lickety asked shyly.
“I thought you said you weren’t into younger ones? Is it cause I’m a dragon? It’s a dragon thing, isn’t it.”
“It is. Now hush. Besides, I’m a filly too you know. It can’t be /ss/ if I’m a loli. Or something. Anyway hush.”
“What? Did your parents drop you or something? Anyway. That’s Lickety Split.”
Silence.
“Um, excuse me,” Lickety Split said, bobbing her head back and forth, wondering why Spike was akin so cray cray. “That’s my name.”
“No, that’s Lickety Split. You’re Lickety Split.”
“You just said the same thing twice.”
“Nuh-uh.”
“Yu-HUH.”
“Nuh-uh.”
“Yu-HUH.”
“Nuh-uh.”
“Yu-HUH.”
“Nuh-uh.”
At this point the colt produced a large chocolate sundae from out of nowhere, and Lickety Split completely forgot how much she wanted to win an argument with Spike because he doesn’t deserve to win anything ever for any reason.
“Oh goodness gracious... Look at how big his sundae is…” she groaned.
Spike looked from his… well, I suppose you could call her a friend, then at the colt who was at least a foot shorter than the sundae he was standing next to.
“It’s not that big…”
But by the time Spike could say words that would defend his manhood… dragonhood? His penis, from Lickety, Lickety headed towards Lickety with great haste and hunger in her eyes. Lickety looked like she was liking that Lickety licker’s luscious looks lightening fast.
“Excuse me,” Lickety asked gently, meaning her voice sounded only less whiny than usual. “A-are you going to eat all of that ice cream?”
The colt paused, tongue already extended towards the sweet nectar of the cow udders, and turned to inspect this shrill little creature. He looked her up and down, then frowned.
“Uh… yeah. My name is Lickety Split. It’s what I do.”
“Uh, I thought you play with balls?” Spike shouted from afar.
“Just because I turned you down that once doesn’t mean you get to slutshame me!” the colt shouted back. “And anyway, who even are you?”
“My name’s Lickety Split!” she answered proudly. “I’m from another world. Or something. I have my own personal assistant and everything. It’s sorta a big deal.”
“But… isn’t Spike Twilight’s assistant?”
“See, the answer to that is obvious, but now it’s my turn to ask questions. Such as, why are you stealing my name? Identity theft isn’t nice. Which means that ice cream is mine.”
“What the shit kind of logic is that?” the new Lickety Split blurted out. “I’m Lickety Split, I got this ice cream, and I would have shared it with you, you know, if you just would have asked!”
Lickety Split gasped in shock, her pupils shrinking to the size of Spike’s testicles.
“You said a no-no…”
“A ‘no-no’?! What are you, rated G or something?”
“Y-7; Thank you very much.”
“Anyway, if you ask real nice, I’ll give you some ice cream,” he said with a sigh. “After all, we have the same name, if we can share that, we should be able to share other stuff too.”
“Like a song?” Lickety said, as a gentle tune began to flow through the wind, prompting the filly to swing with the rhythm.
“Uh, no,” he said quickly, and the music died instantly, like those injured rabbits that Fluttershy had euthanized. “I was thinking more like… this ice cream. Like I said. Do you want any or not?”
“Yes! Please!” Lickety split said, diving her face into the ice cream.
“Not so fast,” he said, grabbing her forehead and tossing her to the ground like the dirty laundry she was. “I said you have to ask real nice.”
“Well, who is Real Nice? I’m sure I can be back soon if I hurry?” she replied.
“Ugh, no, you dumb piece of… what I mean is, you have to convince me to give you the ice cream. You know,” he went on, raising his eyebrows suggestively at her. “You have to earn it.”
“Ooohhhh… I understand now,” Lickety said, a smile curling on her lips. A moment passed with a silent tension between the two young ponies. “You should give me the ice cream because I’m very nice and always have good manners. I’m a very good filly.”
Male Lickety Split dropped his face into his hooves.
“Oh my sweet merciful horse Christ,” he grumbled. “First of all, you have terrible manners, and you’re bad at virtually everything you do. Second of all… tell you what. No. I’ll make this easy. Uh… how would I say this to a toddler, so I can be sure you understand…. Ah! Open your mouth and close your eyes, and you’ll get a big surprise.”
“OH! Is it ice cream?”
“...sure!”
Lickety split closed her eyes, and she felt the electricity building inside of her. What flavor would he give her? Strawberry? Chocolate? Mint Chocolate Chip? Bitches love mint chocolate chip ice cream. No joke though, if it were only vanilla, she might actually cry. As she’s been known to do before. Vanilla is for squares, like that stupid Wind Whistles. Thinks she’s so special just because she can fly and doesn’t talk like the sound of a rusty gate being closed… Yeah!
Then, something else entered Lickety’s mouth. It was sort of hard to tell, but it wasn’t ice cream. See, ice cream is cold. This was not cold. Ice cream tastes sweet. This tasted like urinal cake. She learned that lesson the hard way. It’s not actually cake, so you don’t make the same mistake too.
“Keep your eyes shut for just a moment,” she heard Lickety Split grunt. “I got a big load of… ice cream ready for ya.”
“Pthh sthooon eth wheely beeg,” she murmurled.
“Damn right it is.”
“It’s not that big,” she heard Spike shout again.
“Shut up, or you won’t get to watch.”
Spike was silent.
“Thould I uthhh my teef?” Lickety asked. “Therth aloth.”
“NO not that!” He yelled at her, and she felt his hoof on the top of her head. Maybe he was steadying himself so that he could give her that big load of ice cream he’d promised. “Just… another… second.”
The spoon moved in and out of her mouth quickly, almost making her gag.
“I can thwallow mythelf!” Lickety garbled.
“Then I hope you do. Here come the ice cream,” Lickety Split cried, sounding like he was really really excited about sharing his frozen treat with her.
A thick, hot ice cream was pushed deep into her mouth, covering her tongue, back of the mouth, and even that dangly thing that’s not a uterus. Lickety Split would never forget the next thought that crossed her mind. What if this wasn’t ice cream? It tasted like rusty nails and the smell of bathroom tiles, and felt like that stuff that comes out of your nose when you’re sick. And it wasn’t cold. Maybe it was melted ice cream?
Abruptly, she felt the large warm spoon leave her mouth, leaving her coughing and sputtering.
“I really hope you don’t feed baby ponies like that,” Lickety Split said. “You need to be much more gentle!”
“Sure, sure,” Lickety Split replied. He sounded out of breath. “Anyway, thanks for… that. You can open your eyes now, I’m all done here.”
Lickety Split, the vagina one, opened her eyes and then saw the ice cream sundae quickly melting in front of her! She had no time to waste! But just as she leaped for the sweet, not rusty tasting, ice cream, the other Lickety Split opened his mouth and sucked the whole thing down in one swallow. He burped and smiled at her smugly.
“Hey, the first taste is free,” he said. “We’ll talk about real payment next time.”
Lickety Split, the penis one, began to trot away, a proud smile on his face.
“I’m getting the distinct feeling I was used,” Lickety muttered to herself.
She turned, teary eyed, towards Spike, only to see him rubbing his dick and staring at her intently. She gasped.
“Spike! What are you doing!” she cried.
Spike didn’t even pause, just cracked a big smile and rubbed faster.
“That was so fast I didn’t have a chance to bust a nut!” he said, breathing hard. “I guess that’s why they call him Lickety Split!”
-End-
