The Great Booping War

by Soothing Stone

Rating: everyone
Tags: Original Character, Comedy, Random, Human, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 2318

When the portal to Equestria opens, one bratty preteen will go to extreme lengths to prove humans are better than ponies.

After years of research at Calpain's expense, Sethisto has finally opened the portal of Equestria to snuggle his Trixie waifu. To the surprise of many, relations between humans and ponies are going smoothly. There's no conflict, no threat of war, just peace and quiet.

However, not everybody on Earth is happy about this. No, one preteen will not accept this so easily. He will stand for us all, showcasing our superiority over pastel colored horses with butt tattoos. How will he do it? With the power of the boop.

This is his story.

Published 2017-12-06 19:50:07 UTC
Last updated 2017-12-06 19:50:07 UTC

Teh Powah of Teh Boop

In the winter of 2017, Planet Earth would get the most unexpected Christmas gift of all--a portal to the land of Equestria. Funded by Sethisto’s ad revenue from Equestria Daily, and built from enslaving Calpain to make it, all in order so he could meet his great and powerful waifu, nearly everyone in the world stopped what they were doing in order to witness this event. /mlp/ would run wild over 4chan, making it even more of a trainwreck than usual. When your unofficial hobby is torturing Shia LaBeouf, that’s saying something.

Over the early months of 2018, the ponies would interact with their unexpected guests. As expected, Twilight Sparkle, Equestria’s Princess of Friendship, would serve as an ambassador to Planet Earth….right after she found out what things like “Twilight, the Novel” and “Rule 34” were. Her therapy lessons continue to this day.

To the surprise of humans and ponies alike, things went smoothly. Humans enjoyed the eccentries of the ponies, while ponies enjoyed things like TV and smartphones. To avoid possible conflicts, all meat, glue, and marshmallow products were banned from the eyes of ponies. Tensions still erupted when Applejack stumbled upon a marshmallow factory and realized what the ingredients were. She never looked at Rarity the same way again.

However, not everyone on Earth was fine with sentient horses running wild and establishing treaties with world governments. Don’t get the wrong idea--the world leaders were fine with this. They thought the idea was so surreal that they just ran with it. No, the infighting would be among the world’s citizens. One particular case, listed below, went viral for reasons you likely know by now. HIs name was Tim “xxxTIMISGODxxx666” Jacobs, and the entries below are from his journal, detailing a story many consider to be either one of a boy becoming a man, or, in the opinion of far, far more people, the dumbest story they’ve ever read in their lives.

They clearly never read My Immortal. The horror....

Entry #1
Dated December 26, 2017

This is the worst day ever. I got a Nintendo Switch, all the games for it, and this military journal, and what does everybody do? They sit around the TV and watch some portal in the sky. It’s like if the first Avengers movie was real. You think that would be awesome, but nature finds a way to ruin everything. It was a bunch of ponies coming out of it, not some aliens the Human Torch has to fight.

My big brother is teasing me all the time about it. He says it’s karma because I called My Little Pony the worst show ever(I’ve since seen the error of my ways after seeing the Nutshack) and now it’s real! I don’t think this is awesome like every brony says it is. I’m not even sure if we can trust ponies. They’re so adorable, but I’ve played Can Your Pet, so I know cute things are hiding some dark secret. “It’s always the quiet ones”, so I know for a fact that the pony named Fluttershy is the next Hitler. The really quiet ones always are.

Entry #2
Dated December 30, 2017

I just saw a pony up close. It’s some weird minty green unicorn with a butt tattoo of an instrument I don’t care to know about. It was so bizarre; she sees my hands and freaks out over it. It’s like she’s been studying humans for years. She asks me how it’s like to walk on two legs and all that stuff.

She was cute, I’ll give her that. Like, really cute, but her nose was really weird. Horse noses don’t look like that. In fact, none of their noses look normal. There’s these two ponies named Luna and Celestia, and they look more like normal horses, but they still have weird noses.

I know I should be thinking how this will change everything, since that princess Twilight is trying to do some kind of treaty or something, but this is way more important.

Oh, and Happy 2018 or something. Yawn.

Entry #3
Dated January 2, 2018

I don’t have much time until I have to go back to school, so I came up to one of the smaller ponies. She’s the one they call Squeaky Belle online, and if I was going to do the thing with the pony noses, she was the one to do it with. Just like that unicorn, she’s excited to meet “the ugly hairless apes. At least, that’s what my sister calls them”. Sounds like her sister is a total [REACTED FOR GENERAL AUDIENCES].

So I asked her a few questions. She’s all squeaky and stuff, and I knew it was my moment to strike. I extended a finger and...poked her nose.

I have never seen an animal do what she did. Her eyes widened and she stood frozen for a second. After she was done being a weirdo, she rubbed her nose like I stabbed it or something. She’s asking me why I poked her in the face. I told her I did it because horses don’t have noses like that, and I needed to find out what they felt like.

Entry #4
Also Dated January 2, 2018

I went crazy. I poked all the noses. All of them. I even poked Twilight’s nose. They said this is called “booping”. That’s a stupid name, but whatever. And then they all did the same thing, freezing and acting like they were in the middle of a Vietnam flashback.

So when I get home and check my phone, I saw myself all over Twitter! I got the name of “Boopmaster” and it’s already a meme. The bronies say I’m a hero for booping Twilight before they did.

I feel unclean inside. Totally worth it.

Entry #5
Dated January 8, 2018

I actually got a letter from the squeaky one. She says she didn’t like being booped, and I hurt her feelings when I did that. Then it hits me.

We’re totally better than those ponies. Sure, they have magic, baby dragon pets, and control the weather in Equestria, but we have cars, smartphones, Nintendo Switches, memes, and trolling. And with the power of the boop, we can show them how much better we are.

I’m organizing a Twitter group right now. It’s about time we #MakeEarthDankAgain. Our first avatar is Howard Stern, because he triggers bronies for some reason. Who is Howard Stern again? I might Google that later.

Entry #6
Dated January 9, 2018

My first meetup was a success. Most people would say it’s weak to have three people in your first group, but that first BronyCon only had 100 people at its first thingy, and we all know how much of a tumor that turned into.

So we crossed into the portal to Equestria and went wild, booping all the ponies we could find. Royal guard, royal pony, human obsessed unicorn, adorable baby dragon, we did it all. I think we booped a hundred ponies. They were all doing the Vietnam flashback routine, too.

I think I need to stop saying “Vietnam” so much. That wasn’t a good thing to happen.

Entry #7
Also Dated January 9, 2018

THIS IS WAR
YOU DON’T GET TO DO THAT
YOU DON’T GET TO BOOP BACK
THAT STUPID PRISSY RARITY PONY BOOPED ME BACK
MY FRIEND HAS IT ON CAMERA
HE’S GOING TO POST IT ON YOUTUBE AND WE’RE GOING TO MAKE THIS MOVEMENT EVEN BIGGER
WE’RE GOING TO TAKE THIS BOOPING THING TO THE TOP

Entry #8
Dated January 11, 2018

I’m so angry right now. This is the REAL worst day ever.

That video DID go viral. Like, 5 million hits in two days, but everybody says it’s adorable! I AM NOT CUTE, I HAVE 666 IN MY USERNAME SO I MEAN BUSINESS

Then the worst moment ever happened. I heard a knock on the door, and some pink pony throws confetti in my face. I was angry about it, but she gives me a red velvet cake. If there is a God, 1. I hope he’s not upset I put 666 in my username and 2. He probably made that kind of cake.

And then...she has this evil smile and...and….BOOPS ME

[A collection of violent scribbles and curse words follows]

YOU WILL NOT GET AWAY WITH THIS

Entry #9
Dated January 14, 2018

My next meetup has a whopping EIGHT people now. PROGRESS.

We’re going to deal with this pink menace and show her we mean business. There’s going to be two people at every entrance at her house, so we got this covered.

Entry #10
Dated January 15, 2018

Before this entry, there were many torn pages, multiple attempts at forming coherent words, and other pages dripping in cake batter. This was the next entry we could recover and make sense of. Tim was not a great writer.

SHE WAS PREPARED
SHE HAD MACHINES EVERYWHERE RIGGED WITH MECHANICAL HANDS
THOSE HANDS WERE RIGGED TO BOOP US ALL
OUR NOSES ARE SO SORE RIGHT NOW
NOT ONLY THAT BUT SHE HAD HELP
IN THE FORM OF A DEMON NAMED FLURRY HEART
GOD HELP US ALL
ALL IS LOST

Entry #11
Dated February 1, 2018

It took me over two weeks to recover, not only from the incident but watching #MakeEarthDankAgain die in favor of #BoopingHumansIsFun. Ponies discovered Twitter, and Lyra Heartstrings seems to love it…

Oh, and the incident was caught on camera. It’s been dubbed “The Great Booping Massacre”. The people on Derpibooru have been mocking me for so long that my head is spinning. I need to do something about this right now. It’s going to take time, but I think I know how to come back from all this stuff…

Entry #12
Dated March 2, 2018

Dear Mom and Dad, I love you both. John, you were...okay. You should have just let go of the pony thing. You’re like 22.

I’m going back to Equestria by myself, and I’m going to boop the princesses by myself. I don’t know if I’m going to survive this; the ponies I’m about to boop are the closest things Equestria has to God. I might die, but if I do, I will do it for a worthy cause.

Make Earth Dank Forever. [The entry is followed by a scribble of someone giving the rock and roll devil horn gesture]

Entry #13
Dated March 4, 2018

One day in school, my teacher said it was “possible to fail and succeed at the same time”. I thought he was dumb and silly for saying that, but...that’s what I did yesterday.

I booped ALL the princesses. Celestia, Luna, Twilight, Cadence, the demon spawn she calls a daughter, I didn’t leave one nose unbooped. But they LAUGHED. They thought it was the funniest thing ever. I couldn’t understand what Luna was saying under all the medieval mumbo jumbo, but she acted like she liked it. Twilight was even HAPPY about it. She was like “This is wonderful! The humans like us so much, they’re comfortable booping us all the time now”.

But that wasn’t the worst of it. Oh no. I had to do my plan right in the middle of a news conference. I didn’t know it was happening, but there I was, caught in the middle of booping a demon disguised as a baby princess, with all the news stations of the world filming me.

I’ve become a laughing stock. There’s already shirts calling me the “Baby Booper”. Derpibooru has an entire tag on me with over 2000 pictures. This is like being dragged into seeing all the Twilight movies, back to back on repeat. [Editor’s Note: I can relate. My girlfriend dragged me into a marathon of the movies leading up to the last movie, and having seen them all, I have a good idea what the seventh circle of Hell will look like.]

Entry #14
Dated March 6, 2018

I don’t know what to do anymore. Should I go with the fact that I’m an international meme now? Should I accept my fate as the person who booped the horse version of the Greek Gods, just to show the world that humans are better than horses? Why did I do this again?

No. I will not. I will not go soundly into that good night. I have to dig deep or something. I gotta...boop harder? Maybe?

Oh no. I just looked at Flurry Heart and thought she was adorable. It can’t be. I have to talk to my parents to figure out what to do. They’ll say something that will get me back into the good fight!

Entry #15
Dated March 7, 2018

My mom says I need to grow up.

And so concludes our tale. Tim would roll with the punches and let go of his big booping war, and Lyra would grow fond of booping him for reasons unknown. Nevertheless, the journal entries stopped here; he would stop writing and threw it into the trash. It was later recovered in the trash and examined by our team, giving us the best laugh since “Universal thinks The Mummy will start a new cinematic universe”.

At the very least, Tim would grow to have a sense of humor about his misadventures. After all, when you embrace your meme status like he did, you might just grow to be the first YouTuber to have 100 million subscribers, just by having adorable booping videos and nothing else. About time someone took down that Swedish alcoholic from the top of the YouTube charts.

This concludes the first episode of Know Your Meme’s new show, The Living Meme, and click the subscribe button if you enjoyed this video. He will not rule YouTube forever if you are on our side.

Author's Note

I don't know what I'm doing anymore.