Twilight Sparkle and the Unholy Existance of COMIC SAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNS!
Author's Note
It's trollfic time!
No.
Twilight frowned at the parchment that she had just received via dragonfire from Celestia. It wasn't that it was out of the ordinary, nor because it demanded something outrageous. In fact, she could certainly tell that it was practically the same letter as yesterday's mail. And the day before. And before that. And probably all throughout last week... erm... month. Year, perhaps?
Either way, there was hardly anything that set this specific letter apart from the rest, except for one thing...
Twilight squinted as she leaned closer to the scroll, before shrieking, and jumping back in disgust. Spike simply raised a brow, and picked up the scroll that now sat on the ground.
"Get it away! GET. IT. AWAY!" Twilight hollered, pointing a shaky hoof at the scroll. "I don't want to see that... garbage of a typeface again!"
"BUT IT'S BEEEEAAAAAUUUTIFULLLLL!" Celestia screeched, tumbling in through an open window.
"'Tis the work of a true wordsmith." Luna added, fluttering in behind her sister.
"This?" Spike grumbled with a curious expression, pointing at the scroll in his claws. "It just looks like they took the word styling out of my comic books."
Celestia smirked. "And who is it that writes those comics?"
"Duh. It's... Sunbutt Sammich?"
Spike squinted at the cover. "I swear it was A.K. Yearling just a moment ago, but--"
He turned back towards Celestia and Luna as Twilight entered a seizure from exposure to Comic Sans.
Except instead of Celestia, A.K. Yearling was standing beside Luna. Wearing a banana suit. With a crazed expression.
"Um--"
"JOKE'S ON YOU!" the mare screamed from her banana suit, "I'M CELESTIA!" she screeched again, tearing off the suit to reveal Celestia, even though the suit was only big enough to supposedly fit an average-sized pony, not a regal alicorn such as Celestia.
Spike facepalmed, and turned back to Twilight, who was foaming at the mouth and gasping for air.
"Seriously though." Spike deadpanned, "We should do something before we have an alicorn corpse laying around."
"There is no need to worry, Spike." Luna soothed, "For us alicorns are most certainly immortal."
Except right as Luna said the word "immortal", Twilight wheezed one last time, and proceeded to faceplant.
"See what I mean?" Spike said, pointing at Twilight's lifeless body, "Dead."
A single lavender hoof raised above Twilight's body.
"AAAAAGH!" Spike hollered, whacking Twilight repeatedly with the scroll, "KILL IT WITH COMIC SANS!"
"Fear not, young one." Luna calmly announced, "For there shall never be a day where the dead shall roam among the living."
"Like they did last Tuesday?" Celestia teased, punching her sister with a hoof.
"We do not speak of mah vidya gaems." Luna silently grumbled to Celestia in return.
"Are we gonna do anything about the dead-undead-then-redead-ed Twilight now?" Spike said in annoyance, still wielding the Comic Sans scroll towards his somewhat-deceased caretaker.
"Nope." Celestia replied cheerfully, "Except that I'm gonna revive her again!"
One blinding flash of light and a reanimation spell later, and Twilight was as good as new.
And screaming bloody murder about the demons of Comic Sans possessing her. And also maybe a giant disembodied talking paper clip.
"HELLO DOWN THERE." a booming voice echoed over the land, "IT IS I, THE AUTHOR OF THIS STORY."
"WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM US?!" Luna shrieked, "ARE YOU HERE TO TAKE OUR SOULS?!"
"..."
"NO. I AM SIMPLY ASKING WHY Y'ALL AREN'T BICKERING ABOUT COMIC SANS ANYMORE."
"..."
"FINE THEN. I SHALL MAKE YOU DO SO."
Suddenly, Twilight began screaming again, swatting the scroll from Spike's claws.
"GETITAWAYGETITAWAYGETITAWAY!" Twilight yelled, before turning to Celestia. "WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?!"
Celestia frowned. "I just wanted to make the scroll-reading experience a bit more fun." She said thoughtfully, "But I guess that didn't exactly turn out well."
Twilight sat back and snorted. "Well golly-geez, look at what you've done."
"Look at what you've done." echoed Twilight's voice within Celestia's deep, dank, dark mind.
Look at what you've done.
Celestia grinned devilishly. "Oh, that's not all I can do." she began slyly, lighting her horn up.
"It looks like you're trying to banish Comic Sans. Would you like some assistance?"
"OH FAUST NO." Twilight shrieked as the disembodied talking paper clip of her dreams became reality.
The world lit up in shades of cyan as text all across Equestria began to shift into the unprofessional typeface known as "Comic Sans".
Also, Clippy was actually Celestia in disguise, because reasons.
"MAKE IT STAAAAAAHP!" Twilight yelled over the startup sounds of long-since obsolete software, "STAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHP!"
Celestia, as Clippy, landed with a resounding thud before the frightened lavender alicorn. Luna had already retreated into her gaming cave long ago.
"No." Clippy said with a smirk only a sentient paper clip could muster, before changing back into Celestia. "Because I can't."
"What." Twilight said dully.
"Exactly." Celestia replied with an unsettling grin, "This cannot be undone."
"THEN WHY DID YOU DO IT IN THE FIRST PLACE?!"
"Because it annoys you." Celestia said calmly, before turning back into Clippy.
"No... just... just stop it!" Twilight growled as she lit her horn, "If you won't undo it, then I will."
Celestia stared blankly at Twilight as the mare proceeded to undo everything that Celestia had said was impossibly to undo. How? Mass-telepathy spell and a couple million levitating sharpie markers.
"There." Twilight wheezed in exhaustion, "I did it."
As Celestia (or Clippy, whichever goes,) retreated back to her brooding perch of Canterlot Castle, Twilight collapsed with a grunt onto her bed.
"Spike?" she called weakly, "Spiiiiiiiike?"
"What?" Spike answered glumly, dragging himself into Twilight's room with a comic book in hand.
Twilight yawned deeply. "Would you mind if I read some of your comics for a change? I'm not in the mood for studying right now." she asked, pointing a hoof at her assistant's comic.
Spike glanced down at the tome he held, then back to Twilight. "Uh... are you sure?" he asked slowly, "I don't think that you'll... um... like them."
Twilight frowned. "Just give one to me, please?" she asked again, "It doesn't have to be anything in particular. Just something to take my mind off of this whole Comic Sans fiasco."
Spike sighed in defeat. "Fine, fine." he answered, plodding off for his comic book stash.
A few minutes later, Twilight's terrified screams could be heard all throughout Equestria.
There's a reason why Comic Sans is called Comic Sans.
