Your Best Shot

by PotatoJoe

Rating: everyone
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Adventure
Length: 21754

The Elements of Harmony misfire against Discord, altering Twilight into something new.

What if Rainbow Dash had been present when Discord gave the Mane Cast their first shot at him? How could things have gone different? How could this have changed things?How could this have changed Twilight?

Update Schedule Below the Break.
Now with the super editor FredMSloniker!
Now with a wonderful cover image by Conicer!
Also - Awesome Fanart - http://nyuuchandiannepie.deviantart.com/art/Discolight-273099814

Update Plans
December 11 - Edited versions of first four chapters
December 14 - Chapter 5
Future updates at least 1 time per week.
Total Planned Chapters - 12

Published 2011-12-06 06:14:32 UTC
Last updated 2012-10-07 01:59:14 UTC

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes!

“Necklace, necklace, necklace, necklace, and big crown thingy! Come on, everypony, let’s go!”

“But Twilight, aren’t you missing somepony?” Spike protested desperately, little legs hurrying to keep up with the frustrated Twilight Sparkle.

Twilight turned and glared at him. “Nope. We’ve got the liar, the grump, the hoarder, and the brute.” Twilight scowled at her gray-tinted friends, who were acting strange—Fluttershy and Pinkie were arguing, Rarity was practically making love to a boulder, and she hadn’t been able to get a straight answer out of Applejack yet. “That just about covers it.”

“But what about Rainbow Dash?” Spike said, looking puzzled. Twilight paused, thought, then smiled briefly before frowning again.

“Congratulations, Spike, you’re the new Rainbow Dash!” Twilight magically grabbed the fifth necklace, preparing to slap it around Spike’s neck—

“That loser? The new me?”

With a burst of broken glass, a discolored Rainbow Dash burst through Twilight’s window, landing in the middle of the group.

“Finally—here’s your element!” snapped Twilight, putting the necklace on Dash instead. “Thank Celestia you were loyal enough to finally show!” She toned the word “loyal” to dig at the pegasus, but this didn’t seem to affect her. “Alright, everypony! Let’s get going! We’ll finish off Discord, and then we never have to see each other ever again!”

“Fine with me,” said Applejack, glancing down and to the right.

Grinding her teeth, Twilight led her “friends” outside into the chaotic streets of Ponyville. At the moment, they were made of soap, and the buildings around them were floating away, making them rather pointless. From the center of town, an iconic cackle echoed, drawing her attention. She supposed she was lucky that her friends followed at all as she led them.

“Oh, this is soooo overdue!” laughed Discord, sitting on the bottom of a upside down flying throne, tearing strips of a box of popcorn apart and eating the cardboard, the popcorn falling to the street below. Mayor Mare went flying past, a tornado of hydro-electric dam safety inspection notes whirling around her. “And right on cue, Twilight Sparkle and her little friends! Come to do away with big bad me once and for all!”

“You’ve got that right!” shouted Twilight, feeling rage and tears build up in her.

“Well, by all means, friend me,” said Discord, throwing the eagle’s paw arm over his eyes and magicking a target onto the front of his body. With laughter in his voice, he spoke again. “If, that is, you can. See, without all of your precious elements—“

“Stop laughing!” shouted Pinkie Pie. As each of the Elements of Harmony focused, so did the gems on the enchanted jewelry. Discord smirked, opening an eye to watch—an eye which bulged as his gaze fell upon Rainbow Dash.

“W-wait, she’s not supposed to be here!” he said in alarm, throwing his hands up to wave them off. “W-we can make some sort of deal, right? You’ve got me, you’ve beat me—“

“Dust this bitch!” shouted Fluttershy.

A moment later five beams of light shot out, striking Discord. They seemed to hold him in place, though he thrashed about in fear. A moment later the sixth beam projected from Twilight, joining the others—but something went wrong the moment they struck.

When they had used the Elements against Nightmare Moon, the beams had harmonized into a single magical force. This time, they fought and crackled, the energy contesting its own presence. Twilight focused, adding her own magic to try and stabilize it. Despite her monumental magical power, she could tell she wasn’t up to the task; the Elements of Harmony were magic of a magnitude that only Discord—or the Princesses working together—could even hope to match.

But then, as Discord flailed, she saw it—a spark of lightning loosed in panic. Discord was no match for the Elements, but if she added a mite of his power to hers, she might be able to control them. She focused, catching the magic and absorbing it into her own.

Everything changed.

Magical power like she had never known flooded into her. It was like a dam bursting upon a desert—pain and warping wracked her body. She collapsed, the Element flying from her as chaotic pink, green, and brown lightning began to flood from Discord into her.

“Twilight!” Her name came in chorus, but she could barely understand it. She felt the world slipping away as Discord’s magic devoured her.

“Ha! Bit off more than—Celestia! No no no, don’t pick that up!” It had been Discord’s voice, at first confident and then terrified. Twilight didn’t know how she found the strength to open her eyes, but was glad she did. She could see her friends, returned to normal, looking at her with fear and mouthing something as sound faded from Twilight’s world. Celestia was there, terror in her eyes, the Element of Magic atop her head. There was a blast of rainbow light that blinded Twilight.

And then the world was gone.

“I’m telling you, this will work!”

That was Spike’s voice. It was nearby, perhaps muffled by a door. Her nose twitched, feeling strange but recognizing a certain smell—black tea and oatmeal with cinnamon.

“It’s her favorite breakfast; she’ll wake up the moment she smells it!” Twilight let out a weak chuckle—Spike knew her well. Twilight went to sit up, feeling awful—she itched and tingled strangely—but was confused to feel something dragging on her back. She was about to call out for Spike to open the door when a thought struck her groggy mind—who was he talking to?

“I’m sorry, familiar, but we cannot allow you to see your master.” That tone was familiar, if the voice wasn’t—it was the one the Royal Guard were instructed to speak in. “Unless accompanied by Celestia—“

“You know what? Try and stop me.”

There was a burst of fighting sounds with grunts, kicks, and scratching filling the air. Opening her eyes and finding her way to the edge of the bed, she was surprised to find she was in her old room in the palace of Canterlot. She’d cleaned her things out back when she’d left for Ponyville, but the scorch marks near where Spike had slept still marred the floor, and she could see some scratches on the wall she’d made banging her head into it in frustration during exams. She stumbled to the door, wincing at the strange tingling going up her legs, and found she was too unfocused to even magic the knob open. Biting down, she twisted and opened the door.

“Um, hey, I’m awake,” she said sleepily, resisting the urge to yawn for only seconds before succumbing. As she re-opened her eyes, she found eight Royal Guards in a pile in the hall, their eyes wide with fear as they looked at her in perfect stillness. Spike struggled beneath them, a tray with the ruins of her breakfast a short distance away. “Um, sorry about him. Uh, Spike, you don’t need to make me breakfast.”

“Twi! Twilight, you’re awake!”

There was far too much joy in the little dragon’s voice. Memories of what had happened before she’d woken began to filter back into her mind slowly. She’d been fighting Discord with her friends … something had gone wrong …

… was she hurt?

“Twi!” shouted the little dragon, bursting from the pile of guards. His eyes widened in fear as well, but he ran to her side and hugged her. “Twi, I thought you’d never wake back up!”

How long had she been asleep?

“What’s happened?” she asked, very confused. “What happened to me?”

She looked to the guards; they began to stumble over themselves to get away from her. She remembered that she’d felt her own body warping from Discord’s magic—had she become some sort of monster?

“I-I need a mirror,” she said, nudging Spike to let her go. He did and ran inside, grasping the wheeled dressing mirror and pushing it over. She felt herself flush with fear, dreading what she was to see. She flinched as Spike turned it to face her.

Her horn was gone.

In its place were two bony dragon’s horns, mismatched to each other. From her back sprouted two wings, one a pegasus’s and one a bat’s. Her tail was that of a lizard, though the rest of her body was still a pony’s. From her lips several small, pointed fangs sprouted, changing her smile from a herbivore’s to a carnivore’s.

The last thing she noticed were her eyes—one was still the same, the other was the color of Discord’s.

She stared in wordless shock for several seconds.

“Uh, you did something while fighting Discord,” said Spike quickly, running to her side. “You started draining magic out of him, but you collapsed. Celestia showed up and took the Element as everypony raced to help you and had them finish off Discord—but, uh, it was like squeezing a sponge. The more they hit him the more of his magic seemed to flow out into you. T-they had just turned him to stone when it stopped.”

“Is she worried about me?” asked Twilight softly.

“Everypony is. I am too,” said Spike hastily. “W-we didn’t know if it was going to be you, or Discord, or something else when you woke. It’s been three days. C-celestia wouldn’t let anyone see you because she was worried, but we’ve all been trying—and she’s not doing very well either. Luna’s been handling the sun for a few days because she can’t focus.”

“T-tell everypony I woke up, Spike,” said Twilight, her mind numb. She didn’t know how to react. “Tell them I’m okay. Tell them I’ll find a way to fix this, so they don’t have to worry.”

“Uh, Twi … ”

“P-please,” said Twilight, the numbness vanishing in an instant as she began to cry. She felt an impossible pressure forcing her to her knees as she seized up, sobbing uncontrollably. “I-I d-don’t wa-want them to wo-wo-wo-”

“Worry? Darling, we ain’t worried no more.”

Blinking, Twilight turned towards the door. Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy were there, balancing a cake between them while Rainbow Dash and Rarity shooed off the guards. Applejack was there, an envelope in her mouth.

“Least, long as you don’t turn us into cabbages or sumthin’,” said Applejack with a nervous but hopeful grin. “Uh, so, um, how’re the, um, horn-s?”

Twilight found herself laughing and crying at the same time as her friends waited for her.

“I-I don’t know,” she said, wiping her cheeks with a hoof. “I just woke up. I’m sorry, I don’t—Spike told me, but I don’t know what’s going on.”

“You are still you, right?” asked Rainbow, not waiting for an invitation and flapping in.

“I-I think so,” said Twilight weakly. “I don’t feel evil, I guess.”

“Well, that’s a good sign,” Applejack said with a laugh, trotting in. Pinkie and Fluttershy entered, putting the cake on the side table. It had been decorated to look like Discord’s face, but with a large red X through it and the words “Mission Accomplished, Meanie Demolished!” were written on it in Twilight’s colors.

“Oh, but I must apologize, Twilight!” said Rarity, rushing to her side. “It is all my fault! Had I not been entranced with that ridiculous stone—“

“Rarity’s been tearing herself apart,” said Applejack with a shrug. “Drama queening it up, truthfully—we all got got by Discord, just the same. Least, all but you, Twi.”

“And you did come out with a really cool story!” said Pinkie Pie energetically, jumping in front of Twilight’s face. “You can go into some bar where all the stallions are talking about how tough they are and wait for them to tell a story about fighting a dragon or a hydra or something, I don’t know, and then say ‘Oh, you think that scar’s impressive? I got wrecked by a evil god and still took him down!’ If you were a colt, every mare in Equestria would be after you!”

“… uh, one moment,” said Twilight, eyes bugging out. She ran into the bathroom, her friends watching in confusion. Twilight, now that she had privacy, made a quick check of her nethers. “Ooooohhh, thank Celestia! Nope, Pinkie, not a colt!”

“Oh, woah, that would been gross!” laughed Rainbow Dash, making a screwed up face as Twilight trotted back out.

“Dang, I was hoping for a mature rating,” said Pinkie with a sigh, but then she smiled again. “Oh, well, it’s not like every story has to have futa in it!”

“W-what are you talking about?” asked Fluttershy, looking to her in confusion.

“Anyways,” said Applejack, cutting Pinkie Pie off before she could explain the concept to Fluttershy. “We were real worried about you, Twi. Spike and the poor ol’ Princess have had the worst of it.”

Twilight felt her stomach churn, noting with glee that she still only had one—she could feel two different heartbeats.

“H-how is the Princess?” she asked gingerly. The thought of her beloved mentor worried disturbed her.

“Well, uh, not good,” said Applejack, kicking a hoof against the stone floor awkwardly. “You could say really bad, if’n’ ya wanted to. In fact, she’s, um, downright crummy.”

“She’s been so worried about you she’s barely eaten,” said Fluttershy quietly. “Luna’s been trying to console her, but it hasn’t worked. She’s scared you’d wake up and go crazy and she’d have to have us turn you to stone.”

“I-I’m not crazy,” said Twilight, looking to them. “I-I’m still me. I just don’t look like I normally do. You can tell, right?”

“Uh, well, you seem normal enough,” said Applejack with a weak smile that turned into a wince. “But, uh, Twi, understand where everypony’s coming from on this, we just don’t honestly know if you are.”

“T-tell her I’ll … tell the Princess I’ll let her bind my magic,” said Twilight, feeling her hearts both skip a beat as she said the words. Rarity gasped—for a unicorn, magic was everything, and to give it up was like asking a pegasus to give up their wings. “It should still work on me. I won’t fight back at all—that’ll prove I’m still me, right?”

“Uh, Twi, this don’t sound safe.” said Applejack, looking to Rarity’s frightened face.

“It isn’t!” said Rarity insistently. “It’s like having your leg broken! They might be able to repair her magic someday, but you can’t risk it!” Her friends looked alarmed, Fluttershy drawing her legs closer to her body.

“T-the bigger risk is me having the magic,” said Twilight, feeling afraid. “I absorbed Discord’s magic. I don’t know how to use it—if I tried to cast a spell, I don’t know what could happen! It would be like the first time I cast a spell, and that time I turned my parents into potted plants!”

Her friends winced.

“This time, it’d be a million times worse!” Twilight began to feel herself hyperventilating. “W-we need to hurry!”

“There is no need to be hasty.”

Twilight felt her worries melt in a moment. Celestia strode into the room, looking almost as radiant as normal—though there were, stunningly, small lines under her eyes. Twilight bowed her head as her mentor stood in front of her.

“Twilight, I am glad you … are you,” said Celestia, nuzzling Twilight with a little difficulty—the horns got in the way. “And to offer such a thing fills me with confidence that we have nothing to fear from you.”

“ … I don't..,” said Twilight, feeling her heart—hearts—melt at the Princesses touch. She didn’t look up, fearing Celestia’s gaze. “I-I don’t want to risk making a mistake. We don’t know what it would do—I s-still have nightmare about turning my pa-parents into plants and I don’t want to do something like that again.”

“Twilight, your control has improved—“

“But if it’s Discord’s magic, which we know it is, will that matter?”

Celestia was silent for several moments.

“Twilight, if you are afraid, we can dampen your magic. It is less drastic than sealing it and may be far safer.”

“B-but if it’s just dampened—” said Twilight, finally looking up. Celestia was gazing down, her wise, sad eyes showing the shine of tears.

“—it may be as risky to seal Discords magic as it is to use it,” interrupted Celestia. Twilight realized she was correct and bowed, accepting the decision. “But know this, Twilight—I have no fear of you misusing this power.”

“I promise I will not, your majesty.”

Celestia turned and led her from the room, five friends and Spike in tow.

Hop, Snap, and a Fall

It had been days since they first heard what had happened.

They were already so proud of their daughter—she’d saved the land and the Princess from Nightmare Moon, returning the long lost Luna to Equestria. She was a brilliant, hardworking mare whom they loved and knew loved them back.

They found out about Discord’s defeat in the same way as everypony else—the evil magic ending and the world returning to normal. As the news came out, they waited with bated breath for news of their daughter. The Royal Guard announced she’d led the attack and weakened Discord enough for Celestia and the other Elements of Harmony to re-seal him. Her parents had rejoiced—their daughter had just gone from national hero to legend.

Then they found out she’d been grievously injured.

Nopony seemed to know how. Princess Celestia refused to speak of it and shut herself away in the castle with Twilight, keeping the other Elements of Harmony nearby. Twilight’s parents had rushed to the palace to find out what had happened, but had been turned away by the guard. They were told it was not safe—but how could that be? Discord had been defeated! Their daughter had done it! Surely they should be able to see her, to help her recover?

But the guards were resolute—even Twilight’s parents were not allowed to see her.

Hoping that their Princess’s wisdom had not failed and that their beloved daughter was safe, Twilight’s parents returned home. And they waited.

It was not uncommon for a unicorn foal to have their magic dampened after they first gained it—it was easier for the inexperienced to control a little magic than to have full reign of their powers. Usually it could be done by a parent or teacher—it only required a little magic and the cooperation of the target of the spell. Twilight, a incredibly powerful unicorn, had only required a few minutes’ focus by her parents before she’d gone to the School for Gifted Unicorns.

Now, Princess Celestia and twelve of Equestria’s strongest magicians were casting the spell on Twilight, and she could tell it was taxing them. Luna had not joined them, instead, she was guiding the sun so that Celestia could focus wholly on the spell.

Twilight wasn’t fighting back. Her magic simply wasn’t cooperating, continually trying to undermine their process and dispel their efforts. They were winning, but at great difficulty. From nearby, the Elements of Harmony watched in silence as the great feat of magic before them unfolded.

Even in her state, Twilight Sparkle was learning more of her new magics. She was only sensing her power and that of others, something so basic to a unicorn as breathing, but it stunned her. She was the equal of Princess Celestia in power, but with none of the order and unity that the alicorn possessed. Once Twilight had striven to keep her magic in as perfect order as the Princess’s, but now it was a tempest, stretching and gusting within her, almost begging for release. It was not conscious, it was not driven, it just was—a force outside of normal magic, as natural as a raging river or a storm in the sky above.

It felt just as dangerous and far more destructive.

“We are finished, Twilight,” said Celestia, the magical glow fading from the great hall and the light of the world seeming to grow. The unicorns collapsed, looking worn and exhausted, drops of magical residue raining about them as they relaxed their control. She could hear two of her old teachers panting and muttering about how they hated working with prodigies.

For the first time in an hour, Twilight dared to move.

She took several steps, shaking her stiff body. Her wings beat awkwardly, as she was unused to them. The lizard tail flicked strangely, nearly whipping her in the side, and as she shook her mane she cringed at the feeling of her hair hitting the two horns—she was used to a single horn in the middle and could feel her hair catching upon them. She fixed it quickly with a hoof and let out a sigh, her tongue scraping slightly against her new sharp teeth and eliciting a little shudder from her.

Spike was next to her in an instant.

“Twi, you okay?” he asked, looking worried and happy at the same time.

“I think so,” said Twilight, gingerly trying to avoid touching her fangs. She focused her mind for a moment. “I-It feels like my magic’s back down to where it normally is.”

“That is as much as I felt was safe,” said Celestia, standing tall—Twilight could sense the weariness that she repressed and somehow overcame. Alicorns had seemingly unlimited energy when their minds were ordered and focused, something she’d always been jealous of. “Even with your unusual power, you should be absolutely safe for everypony. As the spell fades, you will need to learn control your power.”

“Discord’s power,” said Twilight, glancing down. “P-Princess … am I … have I turned into him?”

“If you had, you would not be standing on hooves,” said Celestia, tapping a foot against one of Twilight’s. “I think you are something between a pony and a draconequus, though I feel you are as mighty as he was.”

“… what happened to my magic?” she asked, looking at Celestia. The white alicorn’s eyes darkened slightly.

“I am not sure,” she said quietly. The magicians had left to rest, and Twilight’s friends had came over, standing a respectful distance away. “I can think of three possibilities—you could still possess it, but it is buried by Discord’s power; it may have vanished completely; or it could have been absorbed by Discord almost in trade.”

Twilight felt herself shudder.

“I-I hope he doesn’t have it,” said Twilight weakly. “I, um, it sounds stupid, but it wouldn’t feel right to me.”

“Makes sense to me,” said Pinkie Pie with a shrug. “It’s like if you’ve got this great dress you like to wear and you come home and your dad’s in it! You’d never be able to get that sight outta your mind, that’s for sure!”

Nopony could help themselves—they laughed. The comment had broken the mood completely.

“So, first order of business, planning how to change me back,” said Twilight. Spike’s face lit up as he appeared with a parchment and pen. “Spike, you’ll be taking notes.”

“Got it!” he said excitedly.

“So, Princess, any ideas?” asked Twilight, looking up at Celestia.

“Well …” said the Princess, focusing for a moment. “The simplest solution might be to use the Elements of Harmony on you, but I think you can see there could be a risk to that.”

“A thousand years on the moon or being turned to stone, perhaps?” said Rarity with a wry smile.

“I will spend several days focusing on the idea, trying to see if it would be safe,” said Celestia, giving Twilight a nod. “As I do so, I would encourage you to be careful in your efforts to transform yourself. You might damage your body in some way, and you must accept that you may be in this form for some time.”

“But you do think we can fix ’er, right?” asked Applejack.

“It would surprise me if we could not,” said Celestia with a smile. Twilight’s hearts fluttered with joy at the princess’s confidence, the feeling grossing her out a moment later. “While I have never seen such magic as this, stranger things have happened.”

“Like what?” asked Pinkie Pie, looking interested.

“Uh, I don’t think we have time to go over a thousand years of weird history, do we, Pinkie?” asked Rainbow Dash, looking bored at the prospect. “I mean, unless there was some other time somepony got turned into a monster—!”

She froze as she said it.

“It’s okay, it’s okay,” said Twilight quickly, waving her friends off as Fluttershy gave Rainbow Dash a glare. “It’s not like not saying it won’t make it true. I pretty much am a monster at the moment, but I don’t aim to stay this way.”

“SO … it’s okay if we say it?” said Rainbow Dash gingerly. “Because, uh, I also had something else to say which is kinda awkward.”

“… which is?”

“Well, uh, you are probably a shoo-in for this year’s Ponyville Nightmare Night Costume Contest,” said Rainbow with a wince. “And, um, first prize is a signed poster of the Wonderbolts flying formation with Princess Luna’s guards.”

“… yeah, you can have it if I win,” said Twilight, rolling her eyes.

“Yes! Free poster!” laughed Dash, flying into the air and doing a loop-de-loop. As Twilight’s pegasus wing itched, she suddenly got an idea.

“… you know … it’d probably be a lot easier for me to get around if I could fly …” she said, looking to her wings. She flexed them outwards experimentally. “And … well … I’ve always wanted to try …”

“And you should!” said Rarity before Dash had a chance to speak, grabbing Twilight and leading her towards the entrance to the grand hall. “Oh, you’ll love it! The freedom, the ease of movement—you’ve never experienced anything like it!”

“… uh, come on,” said Twilight, gesturing for them to follow. Rainbow Dash, with the greatest sulk she could master, joined them.

After taking down a chandelier and reducing a squad of Royal Guards to a rout merely by looking at them, they headed outside.

“Okay, so, probably should have done this first,” said Rainbow Dash, having taken charge of the lessons. Rarity was in the hall, apologizing to the servants for the accident. The gardens were much wider and there was little to damage out here—bushes and flowers were cheaper and easier to repair than royal relics. She began to look up and down the paths, flying their length as if to measure them. Finally, she stopped at the end of one. “Okay, Twi, turn the cobblestones into pillows or something. This should make a good landing strip.”

“Uh, I’m not sure I should do that,” said Twilight cautiously, tapping one of the stones with a hoof.

“You’ve done this kind of thing before this, Twi.” said Rainbow Dash with a little huff. “It’s not like they’re going to be evil pillows or something! And trust me, you’ll want them.”

“O-Okay,” said Twilight, closing her eyes and focusing on her horn. She winced as she realized it wasn’t there. “Uh, right, lets see …”

She strained her face, trying to summon her magic. Nothing happened. She stuck her tongue out and strained again—still nothing, and this time she bit her tongue. Muttering under her breath, she began to grow frustrated.

“Uh, anytime, Twi,” said Rainbow Dash, fluttering into the air and pulling down a soft cloud for a seat.

“I’m trying!” said Twilight impatiently. “It’s not working! I can’t just stomp my hoof and make pillows appear!” For emphasis she stomped a hoof.

Pillows appeared in air, falling like the downiest rain ever. Her friends dodged the light hail, save for Pinkie, who made an effort to get hit by as many as possible.

“Oooooohhhkay, maybe I can,” said Twilight, looking around sheepishly.

“Twi, I know what happened!” said Applejack, looking proud of herself. “You know how your horn always glows when you do magic? Well, Discord didn’t do that—he did that little thing with his fingers that Spike does sometimes—”

“What, snapped them?” asked Spike, striking his fingers together to make a popping noise.

“Yeah, that—maybe his magic’s in his paws? And yours is in your hooves now?”

“That’s just silly!” protested Twilight. “There isn’t anything magical about hooves—”

“Apparently you and I don’t visit the same websites,” muttered Pinkie with a giggle and a blush.

“—and if that was the case, every time I took a step there would be something crazy, like balloon-flowers sprouting!”

“… then humor me, Twi, and take a few steps.”

With a huff, Twilight trotted down the path. To her chagrin, flowers burst from the lawn on either side, balloons bursting from their blossoms and flying to the air.

“Looks like y’all’s parents didn’t get what they paid for at that fancy magic school,” said Applejack with a laugh.

Twilight frowned, then smirked a little evilly. She stomped a hoof down, and suddenly a burst of water came from Applejack’s hat, pouring on her like a river. She sputtered as it stopped.

“… ten gallons, right?” said Applejack with a little smirk, looking to the puddle as Pinkie Pie roared with laughter.

“Ten gallons,” said Twilight with a smile. “You were right, though.” Twilight turned back to the path and stomped, focusing on the pillows. The scattered pillows took to the air, zooming to the path and lining it. “Okay, Rainbow, whats next?”

“Take off and and aim for the pillows when you fall,” said Dash, reclining.

“If I fall,” said Twilight, hunkering down and flapping her wings a few times.

“When,” said Dash again with a smirk.

Getting a rise from the challenge, Twilight took off at a gallop, launching herself into the air. She flapped her wings with all her might, feeling the air push around her. She began to lose balance, flailed, and lost all control.

“Told ya!” laughed Dash as Twilight hit the pile of pillows. “Good try, though. About four or five more tries and you might stay up.”

“… this is going to be a long afternoon,” said Twilight with a sigh, popping out of the pile and pulling a speared pillow from her horns.

Dining With Disaster

“Sister, what do I do?”

“We wish we could help you,” said Luna, looking to her older sister, who stood at the window, gazing towards the garden. Celestia was watching her student learn to fly, Twilight’s friends helping and comforting her. Luna knew Celestia was in pain—there were dark decisions to be made. “But our wisdom is less than yours, sister.”

“… at least she will not be alone,” said Celestia, looking away from the window and joining Luna on the pillowed floor. The privacy of the room allowed them to act informally, lounging as more normal ponies did. “Her friends … her wonderful friends will never abandon her.”

“You feared they would, did you not?” asked Luna.

“I did—but that turned out to be Discord’s magic at work,” said Celestia with a sigh and a soft smile. “They were venomous, though, and I feared that even after his defeat they would pull apart. The one blessing of this all seems to be that they’ve drawn even closer around Twilight.”

“Discord’s magic always did work in strange ways,” said Luna with a lightness to her tone. “And we admit, we have missed the cotton candy clouds and chocolate rain.”

“… that is the problem as well,” said Celestia sadly. “Twilight is Twilight and Discord is Discord. We know, even with his powers, she will be responsible and kind. But will others see it that way? I-I have, over the years, over-shielded my ponies from harm. Most fear strangeness—even a zebra is met with surprise. Dragons and griffons are seen as fierce beasts. Twilight’s appearance will be almost worse—she looks familiar enough that they can recognize her as a pony, but is so …”

“Different,” said Luna, helping her sister.

“… different, that she will seem all the more grotesque.”

From below they heard a burst of laughter and sensed Twilight had used magic again.

“I have known many a pony who looked upon grievous scars as a badge of honor,” said Luna, looking her sister in the eyes. “Knights and adventurers who bragged of their wounds as trophies. If we told everyone that her transformation was such a result and that she had been tasked with custodianship of Discord’s magic as a further service …”

“… it could work,” said Celestia with a nod. “And I have considered it. It would be ideal, for her to be accepted as the hero she is. But I feel that the wounds from Discord’s attack are still too fresh for ponies to be comfortable with such knowledge.”

“It would be better to re-open the wounds now rather than later, either by accident or on purpose,” said Luna. “I am told stitches hurt worse than the cut, but they let it heal faster.”

“… and you say I am wiser,” replied Celestia. “Tell me, sister, where did you learn of earth pony medicine?”

“One does not spend a year in the library reading of a era’s changes without learning a few things,” nickered Luna. “Though there are still many books to read before I am within a century of the modern age.”

“Hmm—it may be best for you to get out and see today yourself, sister,” said Celestia, standing. “You know of the upcoming festival of Nightmare Night?”

“… I’ve ordered a custom carriage just for it,” said Luna, glancing aside. A little blush took to her cheeks and she smiled—she had to be excited if she dropped the royal “we” from her speech. “And I daresay you’ve seen the guards I selected for my escort.”

“I have—you always liked such strange stallions,” laughed Celestia, nuzzling her sister. “I’ve never understood why you like them so macabre.”

“And I’ll never understand why you like yours pure as the driven snow,” countered Luna, rising to join her sister. They laughed, then departed for their separate duties.

“Okay, that’s the last of the nougat,” said Rainbow Dash, flicking a few flecks from her fetlocks.

“I’m really, really sorry,” Twilight Sparkle apologized again, bowing to her friends as they finished cleaning. “I didn’t think candy clouds were that hard to control.”

“mmrm mEUmdf muffrughuh!” Pinkie Pie tried to say something, but she was currently face-first into a gigantic pile of candy filling, so it was hard to understand what she’d said.

“So, dear, now that you’ve got flight down well enough, do you think we could get some lunch?” asked Rarity, magically brushing her tail back out. “We’ve an open invitation to dine in the Palace, and while it was delicious, that cake earlier did not stay with me.”

“Of course!” said Twilight, beaming. “I’ll lead the way to the kitchens!”

“Oh, Twi, ah’m not sure that’d be the best idea,” said Applejack, trotting over. “Uh, see, you know how skittish those big tough guards were?”

“Oh, yeah, the cooks would probably die of fright when they saw me,” said Twilight, blinking as she remembered. “We could simply go to one of the smaller dining rooms, and Spike could send them our order. When they come I’ll make myself invisible—wait, let’s see if I can do that.”

She stomped a hoof. Rather than vanishing, she changed color, her coat and body becoming camouflaged against her surroundings—a disguise which was ruined when she took a few steps and it no longer matched the background.

“Aaaarrrggg, I hate this stupid magic,” she sighed, tossing her mane as she changed back to normal. “It keeps doing almost what I want. And if I don’t focus on being specific, it does whatever it feels like!”

“That does make sense,” said Rainbow Dash with a shrug. “I got the feeling that Discord was only half in control of himself. I mean, did you see all the times he did something that didn’t match what he was trying to do?”

“Like when he tried to drink chocolate milk and accidentally drank the glass,” said Rarity with a nod. “Perhaps, Twilight, it’s not fully possible to control his magic.”

“Well, that’s great news,” Twilight said sarcastically. “Because I was so good at avoiding disaster before I had chaos magic leaking out of my ears—hey! That’s not fair!”

True, it was not fair, but as confetti and streamers burst from her ears, it was funny.

“All right, laugh it up,” said Twilight with a half-smile. “But I’m not going to rest until I’ve figured out how to make that happen to you.”

Sterling Silver was not an easy pony to ruffle. Like his namesake metal, he was a pony of dignity, poise, and durability. Perhaps the more metallic guards, such as Iron Cross and Steeltail, were of a more doughty and tough breed, but there were few things that could make Canterlot’s Master of Luncheons and Late Brunches upset.

At least, other than the kitchen staff using dish soap on some of the second-century pressed gold plateware. He’d been so livid he’d shouted himself into the hospital and had to take a week off after that.

But now, he was in a bind.

He, like the rest of the staff, knew of the hullabaloo from this morning when the Royal Guard had comported themselves as foals in a thunderstorm. The Captain of the Guard had locked himself in his quarters and was refusing to come out, preventing anypony from finding out what it had been about.

Rumors had abounded—from Discord returning (Sterling Silver had scoffed, as he knew that the beast had been bested) to Twilight Sparkle waking up in a magical rage and attacking everypony she met (He’d dismissed this on account of seeing the Princess walking about in an improved mood, and that would not have happened if her prize pupil was on the warpath).

Then he had been summoned by Spike, Twilight Sparkle’s familiar and an old acquaintance, to the Southern Dining Hall. The little dragon wished to place a lunch order for the Elements of Harmony, and Sterling Silver had been only too happy to accept. But when Sterling Silver had arrived, he’d immediately noticed how worried the dragon looked, repeatedly checking the door.

He’d accepted the parchment with their requests and retreated, watching the dragon scamper back inside.

He’d crept to the door and looked inside to see what was going on.

He’d nearly fainted.

The room had been transformed brutally, with the wall mosaics moving and dancing about and the chairs flying though the air. The Elements of Harmony dodged and bucked for their lives, streams of streamers bearing down on them from the empty air. And in the middle of the room, roaring, was a grotesque beast—it seemed to be Discord, but in the body of a pony.

A body he recognized. Twilight Sparkle.

He’d fled. The earth pony didn’t know what to make of the situation—he needed more information. He dared not intrude lest he be caught in the maelstrom of magic—he still remembered the hours of trying to control the castle’s cutlery during Discord’s first attack and shivered as he remembered one particularly vindictive butcher knife that had sought to deflank him.

What could he do?

He passed the throne room—Princess Celestia was meeting with ponies like nothing was wrong. She had to be able to sense the magic, so he knew something had gotten to her. She’d initially fled Discord, hadn’t she? And the guard, the guard was gone. It seemed like they had all abandoned their posts.

But as he skidded to a halt in front of the kitchen doors his quandary hit.

He was the Master of Lunches and Late Brunches.

It was his duty to feed anything that requested food between nine in the morning and two in the afternoon.

Did he flee for his life and leave his sacred duty unfulfilled? Or did he do his job, the one that defined his very being, and risk being reduced to a pot roast by a perilous possessed paring knife?

He checked the parchment. Twilight Sparkle had ordered a daisy and rosebud sandwich with potato chips.

As he continued to panic, he wondered if that information had any sort of affect on his decision.

“Okay, that’s it, no more magic for the rest of today!” shouted Twilight, kicking the last chair to the ground.

“Finally!” shouted Rainbow Dash. “This is getting ridiculous.”

“Ridiculously awesome!” cheered Pinkie, rolling in a pile of streamers. Twilight tapped a hoof and they vanished. Behind them Fluttershy and Applejack had finished boxing the murals back into their rightful places. “This is so great, Twilight! We get to have an adventure every five minutes now!”

“I’m not sure that’s an improvement, Pinkie,” sighed Twilight as things finally settled back down. “I mean, that was crazy! All I was trying to do was walk though the room and I just happened to think a few things! And they happened—I had no control! Every time my hoof touches the ground crazy things can happen!”

“It’s too bad you don’t have an switch for your magic or something,” muttered Spike, sweeping up a pile of popped balloons.

“Yeah, then I make ‘oops, did I turn you on?’ jokes all the time,” muttered Pinkie Pie with a giggle.

“A-actually, that would be pretty nice,” said Twilight, looking to her hooves. “Uh, what Spike said, not what Pinkie said. Maybe if my hooves didn’t actually touch the ground—oh, I’ve got an idea!”

“Fly everywhere for the rest of your life?” asked Dash, raising an eyebrow. “Uh, tried that. Even I couldn’t manage it.”

“No, shoes!” said Twilight.

“Oh, I like this plan already!” said Rarity, rushing to Twilight’s side. “You mean magic ones, of course, and I am just the pony to help you with that!”

“Uh … I was looking to make my hooves safe, not stylish,” said Twilight awkwardly as Rarity began to grow starry eyed.

“Who says you can’t do both?” stated Rarity, leaning over to look at Twilight’s hooves. “Hmm, well, the most obvious thing to do would be to give you full hoof coverings—you know, like the golden ones Celestia wears?”

“I-I’m not sure I’m comfortable with that!” stammered Twilight, drawing the closest leg to Rarity away. “I-I don’t want her to think I think that I’m like her - I mean, as in, you know!”

“Mm, I can see the issue, but it’s simply our best option, dear,” said Rarity, standing back up straight. “And they are finally coming back into fashion, too—I applaud the Princess for staying with a garment she liked regardless of how appropriate it was to trends in modern shoeing, but she’s going to be laughing now! They’ll be all the rage in three months and she’ll already have a full set of classic pieces!”

“Getting a little off topic there, Rarity,” said Twilight.

“Nah, let her talk about hooves some more,” Pinkie said with a giggle.

“I think some nice steel ones would suit you better than gold,” said Rarity, taking out a parchment and quill. “And you may not like it, but I think it would be best to play them off your appearance—it’ll be a unique look that nopony else will be able to copy. I’ll match one to your tail with a scale-mesh look, red gem, another to the pegasus wing with a blue gem … those will be the back hooves … front … one molded to look like dragon horn … oh, and one plain steel one with a pink and purple gem to match your mane …”

“Ah think we lost her,” said Applejack, waving her hoof in front of Rarity’s face. The unicorn did not notice.

“Well, uh, let’s just let her do her thing,” said Twilight, taking a seat.

“Hey, time for another scene change!” said Pinkie Pie, looking around. “I wonder if it’s going to be about the Luncheon Master again!”

“… I swear, you make less and less sense as time goes on,” said Rainbow Dash, giving Pinkie Pie a quizzical look.

“Oh, and make sure that Madam Applejack’s pie had been properly powdered with sugar—not very much, just enough to highlight the crust.”

The kitchen staff obeyed diligently as Sterling Silver watched, grateful that he’d finally stopped hyperventilating into a bag. By now, they all knew of the issue at hoof—but if the Master of Lunches and Late Brunches wasn’t abandoning their post, they wouldn’t either.

Plus, it would give them something to lord over the goldbricking Guard.

“All seven meals are finished, sir,” said the head chef, indicating the food cart. It was covered in trays for meals and desserts—one could order anything they wanted from the Canterlot Kitchen, but they would get a lot of other delicacies as well.

“Very well,” said Sterling Sliver, standing up straight. “Everypony, listen up. I personally will take the meal to the hall. If I have not returned in fifteen minutes, or I return and my head is a radish, you are to flee at your own discretion.”

Seeing a number of nods, he bit onto the handle and began to push the cart though the hall.

It was a long walk back to the hall. The doors came into view slowly, and, with a heavy heart, he knocked on the door. He heard scrambling from the other side and fought the urge to flee. A moment later, the door opened.

Spike and an earth pony in a farmer’s hat stood there. Behind them, the room seemed normal save for a few out-of-place chairs and a white unicorn drawing and muttering to herself.

“Uh, ah’ll take it from here,” said the farmer, taking the cart. Spike gestured with his paw—Sterling Silver recognized it as dragon sign language, the dragon’s thumb pointing to the sky. That meant “good job”. He nodded and turned.

After the door shut, he checked the make sure that his head was not a vegetable. Finding it normal, he trotted towards the kitchen to inform the staff that things were under control.

Then he would break down the door of the Captain of the Guard and raise the alarm.

Keep Calm and Canter On

Ruling a land for a thousand years gave one a particular ability to sense when something was wrong with it.

Now, Celestia knew there was a more overt sign something was up—the staff was running around in blind panic, the servants were fleeing the castle, and the Guard seemed to be preparing to launch some sort of rescue for her, but those were not it.

Somewhere, something was wrong. Something seemingly minor—only a single pony’s power—drove this feeling, but no normal pony could raise her unconscious alarm like this. And of those she could think of, Twilight Sparkle was currently indisposed at lunch.

Racing from the throne room to the secret vault in her chambers, she confirmed her fear. She had left the statue of Discord there for safekeeping—and it was shattered.

The telltale signs of magic led from the vault to her window, then outside. And in the distance, she could see her groundskeeping staff struggling to remove large handlebar mustaches.

She swore in the most regal way possible.

“Okay, just gonna let you know, but there seems to be an assault team on the other side of the door,” said Rainbow Dash, flying back into the dining hall. She’d left to use the bathroom, exiting through a window and visiting the upper floors of the castle to use the pegasus bathroom—apparently, it had the softest toilet paper.
 “What?” said Applejack in alarm. Twilight, who was suffering though Rarity and Pinkie tracing her hooves for Rarity’s notes, let out a long sigh.

“Uh, might want to go get Celestia,” said Twilight, looking to Applejack and Rainbow Dash.

“Yeah, that sounds like a good idea,” said Dash with a nod, flying back out the window.

“Ah’ll see if ah can talk some sense into them,” said Applejack, opening the door to the hall. On the other side were nearly fifty guards, holding weapons and standing on knocking knees. “Uh, howdy.”

“Oh, Celestia, look at it!” shouted one of the guards. They all saw Twilight in unison, screamed, and fled.

“… ah paid how much in taxes to support mah military!?” Applejack shouted at them as they ran. “An’ she ain’t done nothin’, ya hear!”

 “Okay, this is getting out of control,” sighed Twilight, clearing her mind and stepping away from Rarity. “When Rainbow Dash gets back with Celestia—“

“‘Sup,” said Dash, flying though the hall, Celestia beside her.

“Hello, Princess,” said Twilight, flinching. “Um, I think the castle guard is having some problems with me.”

“You must forgive them—Discord turned most of them into chickens when he attacked,” said Celestia with a sigh. “I think the effects may be lingering. I think we should take you to the throne room, Twilight. We have an announcement to make so that we can keep this from getting much worse.”

“… you’re going to tell the whole of Equestria, right?” asked Twilight weakly, looking up at her.

“It may be for the best, Twilight,” said Celestia, walking over and nuzzling her student. “Rumors spread more fear than fact.”

“And idiots are spreadin’ rumors,” said Applejack, watching two servant mares flee through the gardens. “We might want to hurry, Your Highness. Won’t be much longer till all of Canterlot’s goin’ crazy.”

“This way, Twilight,” said Celestia, leaping into the air. “Flight will be quicker.”

“And safer,” sighed Twilight, taking off into the air after her mentor. “Uh, Princess, quick question—um, Rarity wants to make me some shoes like yours.”

Celestia gave Twilight a quizzical look.

“Uh … is that okay?” asked Twilight, wincing. “Uh, it’s because my magic is in my hooves now and if I’m wearing shoes, we think I won’t accidentally use magic. It’s—it’s not like I’m trying to dress up as you. Again.”

“Twilight, you can just borrow a set,” said Celestia, looking to the other Elements as if to confirm that this conversation was really happening. Rarity nodded eagerly, while the rest just shrugged. “I have a million of them. In fact, this set is a little small—you may have them.”

As Celestia levitated the golden shoes from her hooves, Pinkie Pie licked her lips and watched.

“Somepony tell me what is going on!” shouted Orion Sparkle, struggling to hold onto his wife as a crowd of ponies stampeded through the streets of Canterlot. “Anypony!”

“W-we need to go to the castle!” cried Dazzle Sparkle, using her magic to create a bubble in the street to keep them safe. “We need to see if Twilight is okay!”

“The guard won’t let us in!” said Orion, arguing but forcing his way forward though the river of ponies.

Dazzle pointed to the sky; a flock of Guard pegasi were flapping away. “Don’t think that’ll stop us now!” shouted Dazzle.

“Let’s go!” said Orion with a nod, and the two ponies began to force their way towards the castle. For several tense minutes they fought for every step, the chaotic crowds buffeting them, and once or twice they nearly lost each other. It wasn’t until they were nearly in the gates of the palace that things stopped.

“Citizens of Canterlot! Cease!”

Princess Luna’s voice echoed over the whole of the city, drowning out the sounds of thousands of ponies in an instant.

“We, your rulers, beseech you to calm yourselves and come to the castle! We will put your fears to rest!”

As they felt a surge of ponies rushing towards the palace, Dazzle and Orion’s fears only grew. They climbed onto a statue of a unicorn as the citizens of Equestria began to pour in, both the ponies of Canterlot and journalists from around the land. They had a good view of the ocean of beings from their high perch and could see the balcony of the castle where the Princesses both stood, flanked by five of the Elements of Harmony.

But not the one that Dazzle and Orion wished to see.

“I am sorry for the panic that has spread today; it is my fault,” said Princess Celestia, waving over the balcony. Thought she lacked her sister’s volume, her voice was clear to everypony present. “But I knew not how to handle the situation. I see now I should have told you sooner.”

“Has Discord really returned?” shouted a voice.

“Who will be the new Element of Magic now that Twilight Sparkle’s dead?” shouted a photographer, making Dazzle and Orion’s blood run cold.

“Was a monster truly loose in the gardens?” shouted somepony else.

“Neigh, Discord has not returned—at least, not as he did before,” said Celesta. “For when Twilight Sparkle, my student and the Element of Magic, fought him, she weakened him greatly; his magic is now no stronger than a unicorn’s. You saw the Guard leaving town; they were not fleeing, as the rumor suggests. They were beginning the search; in his weakened state he is little of a threat, but he is a threat none the less. He will not get far.”

The crowd cheered as Dazzle and Orion shouted for more news of their daughter.

“But there is more to tell,” said Celestia, silencing them. “The powers of chaos cannot be simply sealed; they need a guardian. Twilight Sparkle has become that new guardian.”

Dazzle and Orion could only watch in horror as a strange creature appeared next to Celestia; its resemblance to their daughter was disturbing. It had horns and wings and a monstrous tail, but its body, its mane, was still that of their daughters.

“She has saved Equestria twice now; she means our land no harm,” continued Celestia. “And has let her power be dampened to its most minimal of levels. There is no reason to fear her.”

“T-twilight,” said Dazzle, tears in her eyes. The crowd murmured, talking to one another. Most seemed suspicious, even if they had been told not to be by their beloved Princess. “W-we need to go see her, Orion. We need to go see her.”

“Move,” said Orion, pushing apart the sea of ponies roughly. He led his wife though the crowd as Twilight left the balcony.

The Royal Guard, Princesses, and anypony who got in their way be damned. They were going to see their daughter.

“Uh, so, how did that go?” asked Rainbow Dash nervously as the balcony emptied back into the castle. Below the crowds were slowly dispersing, but many ponies seemed to be hanging out to get another look at Twilight.

“… I do not know,” said Celestia with a sigh. “But there is no longer panic in the streets.”

Twilight Sparkle did the best she could to slink to the back of the group and vanish—she was blushing and obviously wanted to be out of the spotlight.

“Next ordera business, Discord!” said Applejack, running to face Celestia. “He really got out again?”

“He has, but this time, he will not be as grave a threat,” said Celestia, looking out the window. She could see her pegasi guards slinking back towards the castle atop several cumulus. “I want you five to go after him.”

“Us? Us!?” said Applejack in shock. “What about your Guards, then? Mah farm paid six thousand bits in taxes last year; don’ tell me that they ain’t gunna help! And why only five of us—Twi could probably whip him with ease now!”

“I’m afraid I will need them for keeping up appearances around the castle,” Celestia said with an apologetic look. “And truthfully? They are not worth much.”

“… you surrounded yourself with good-looking but worthless guards,” stated Rainbow Dash, her jaw dropping. Celestia blushed slightly. “I don’t believe this! What if something goes crazy and Equestria needs help? Are we your only real fighting force?”

“… perhaps a refund might be in order,” said Celestia awkwardly, looking to Applejack and giving a nervous smile.

“S-shouldn’t we go catch that meanie first?” interrupted Fluttershy, drawing everypony back to the topic at hoof. “Where did he go?”

“His trail leads through the gardens,” said Celestia, gesturing in that direction. “But he will be long gone. I have a method for you to track him—an amulet that will sense his magic.”

“But Twilight has his magic,” said Rainbow Dash, looking to Twilight. The unicorn-turned-draconequus’s face lit up in horror.

“No!” she shouted, rushing forwards. “No! He has my magic?”

“Oh, this won’t be fun,” said Applejack with a sigh.

“I am afraid so. I believe that is how Discord escaped so easily—he may be mightier, but your magic may have possessed the precision to help him break free that he had lacked before.”

“Okay, so we’ve got to watch out for teleportation … mustaches … levitation … and the fail-safe spell that failed …” said Spike, jotting a list of spells on a parchment. “I’m making you guys a full list of every spell Twi could use. And—“

“Why isn’t Twilight coming?” Applejack asked again. “She’d know her magic perfectly!”

“I don’t think I would be much help,” said Twilight quickly. “I can barely walk around without wacky hijinks ensuing.”

“Then, uh, why doesn’t Spike just come with us?” said Rainbow Dash, flapping over to an armor display and picking up a mace. “Uh, I’m gonna borrow this, princess. For when we find him.”

“Go ahead,” said Celestia with a nod. “… make it hurt.”

“I, uh, I want to stay with Twilight,” said Spike, scratching his spines. “If you guys are going, someone should stay to keep her company.”

It was unsaid, but the fact that she’d need someone who could deal with normal ponies for her echoed through the air.

“Right, well, let’s go!” said Dash, flapping down the hall.

“The amulet,” said Celestia, levitating the necklace to Rarity. “I assume you know how to use it?”

“I may not be a magician, but when it comes to magic jewelry …” said Rarity with a smile, connecting it around her neck as the other Elements followed Rainbow Dash. “… I am up to the task. Twilight …”

“You should go,” said Twilight, gesturing to their friends.

“Don’t get discouraged,” said Rarity with a reassuring smile. She turned and galloped off, leaving Celestia, Spike, and Twilight alone.

“… guess I should go back to practicing magic,” said Twilight with a sigh. “Make myself useful.”

“You should not think of it that way,” said Celestia, turning to face her student. “You have always been the leader of your friends and taken great risks for them—it is their turn to save you.”

“I think I owe Applejack a few dozen rescues already,” said Twilight sheepishly. “She tends to help me not fall off of cliffs.” She let out a weak little laugh.

“Twilight!”

She spun in an instant, recognizing her mother’s voice. Her parents were galloping down the hall, looking haggard and scared.

“M-mom!” she said in alarm, desperately trying to avoid moving her hooves. Her golden shoes had worked so far, but she did not trust them as of yet. “Dad!”

She didn’t have a chance to say anything else before her mother embraced her.

“We were so worried,” said Dazzle, holding her tightly. Twilight could feel her shaking. She could see her father’s face as he came to a halt; it was covered with fear and hope. She flinched as his eyes traced the two unfamiliar horns atop her head. At the same time her bat wing, held tight against her body by her mother, sent pinches of pain through her body. “A-are yo-you okay?”

“Mostly,” said Twilight, hugging her mother back. “I-I’m sorry. I should have sent news sooner. I-I …”

“It’s okay, Twilight,” said her father, taking a calming breath. Behind him, a pair of guards poked their heads into the hall, looking to her in alarm and Celestia with pleading eyes. Celestia excused herself and trotted off to them. “We know why we weren’t told now. We were scared when we saw you, but we’re fine now.”

For the first time that entire day, Twilight felt herself relax. She had her friends, she had her teacher, she had Spike, and she had her parents. Even if she never returned to her real form, she could survive this.

“Any news about that mess’o Guardsponies we saw earlier?” asked Rusty Rails, trotting down the main street of Trottingham. The old unicorn was sooty and tired from a day at the train station, but always had time to gossip about the news. He’d spoken to the town crier, one of the few ponies still around at this time of the evening.

“None yet; I’ve heard that the papers will have some big story tomorrow,” replied the crier from his post. “There was some announcement in Canterlot.”

“Interesting times, lately,” said Mousey Squeak as she led her foal from her store. She closed and locked the door, and Pip Squeak trotted around happily. The dappled earth ponies were of one of the more skittish families in town and were famous for their dislike of excitement—though rumor was Pip was a bit of a black sheep. “I heard from Cabbage and Lucky that some sort of monster was loose outside of the castle.”

“Well, that’d explain it,” said Rusty, looking towards Canterlot. It wasn’t far from Trottingham to the castle. He then glanced up and down the cobbled street, his eyes tracing the old stone buildings. He didn’t spy any monsters, which put him at ease. “Probably something the Princesses had locked up that Discord set loose.”

“Wouldn’t the monster have shown up earlier?” asked Pip, galloping over. He looked very interested. “Unless it was a really old dragon; don’t they move slowly?”

“A dragon? Goodness, Pip, don’t speak of such things!” said his mother, grabbing him by the tail and pulling him back away from Rusty Rails. “I’m sorry, Rusty, he gets so imaginative.”

“Oh, don’t worry—the Guard could set a dragon straight in a hour,” laughed Rusty, using his hoof to jostle Pip’s mane. “And this brave little colt could probably handle one on his own!”

Pip Squeak beamed.

“Oh, I doubt it,” said a voice, echoing around them. The four ponies jumped in terror—they knew that voice. They doubted anyone in Equestria would forget it soon. Pip hid behind his mother and Rusty and the town crier stood on either side of her to shield her—but there was no sign of where the voice had come from.

“A hungry dragon would gobble you all up without so much as blinking.”

Rusty turned, looking to the top of the candy shop; there, he saw it. In the shadows was the slinking, serpentine form of something. It had to be Discord.

“Go!” he shouted, focusing magic around his horn. The next thing he knew a burst of purple light surrounded him and he found himself standing high atop a cloud, the streets of Trottingham far below. He saw several more bursts of light below, then was struck with panic—why wasn’t he falling? He wasn’t a pegasus, he couldn’t walk on clouds!

Then, besides him, there was another burst of light.

Discord had been a monster. This looked like a baby monster. It was only the size of a pony, though the serpentine body might have been longer overall and was missing parts. There were no wings, and the horns were gone, replaced by a pair of small unicorn-horn-like nubs.

“Oh, don’t even tell me I’m adorable,” said Discord, but this time it struck Rusty he sounded younger than several days before when he’d cackled after he turned all of the trains into dragons. A toothy smile—one of the large forefangs was gone—spread across his face. “At least, don’t unless you want me to cancel the cloud walking spell on you.”

“Y-you don’t scare me,” said Rusty, trying to edge towards the center of the cloud.

“No? Well, you’re no fun, then,” said Discord, reaching behind his back and producing a terrified looking Pip. The foal bucked and kicked, but Discord’s horns glowed and ropes appeared to bind him. “But you strike me as a pony that cares about other ponies. I imagine if I threw this poor lil’ fella off the cloud, you’d be a little upset.”

“D-don’t!” cried Rusty Rail, his voice vanishing into the night skies. “Don’t. Please.”

“Good. Now, I’ve a little proposition,” said Discord, tossing Pip from one paw to another. “I’ll give you the foal if you give me your magic. All of it.”

“W-what?” said Rusty in shock. His eyes narrowed. “Wait, you only do things for fun. Where’s the fun in any of this?”

“Oh, believe me, there’s a gag in it—but I wouldn’t want to spoil it yet,” chuckled Discord. The joviality drained from his face in an instant as he lunged towards Rusty, stopping only a hair’s breadth from the unicorn’s face. “Now. Tell me I can have your magic and I’ll give you this foal.”

“Why—“

“Ah ah!” said Discord, looking off toward Trottingham; there were a number of lights turning on and ponies in the streets. “It won’t be long until we’re found—the deal’s gone then. Tell me I can have your magic or I throw the foal to his death.”

“… f-fine,” said Rusty with a gulp. What options did he have?

There was a burst of pain as purple light enveloped him, and then, as quickly as it came, it was gone. He found himself lying on a cloud with a struggling and still bound Pip Squeak.

Rusty put a hoof to his forehead—his horn was gone.

He realized now that he was an earth pony, trapped among the clouds.

“Arrivederci!” cackled Discord, poison and mirth in his tone, standing on a distant cloud. There were two glowing auras around him now—a bright purple one and a smaller, dimmer red one. “And should you happen to get down, do tell the Elements of Harmony what happened in the most agonizing of detail.”

There was another flash, and he was gone.

Mood Whiplash: The Chapter

The Great And Powerful Trixie trotted down the path toward Stalliongrad with her head held high—today was a day for grace and poise, after all.

She had a job.

Since the Ponyville Incident with the Ursa Minor … and the Trottingham Accident with the missing half of a foal during the “saw the box in half” trick … and the Manehattan Mishap where she teleported the teeth out of her guest from the audience while trying to send them into the next room …

… suffice to say, since a number of small and entirely not her fault occurrences, she’d had a somewhat bad name in the magic circuit. But she’d preserved. She’d re-tooled. She’d re-branded herself as an illusionist—it was, in a way, the least directly useful magic, but it was the most showy.

It was also the only area she had any real talent in.

She’d flunked out of the Canterlot Academy for Gifted Unicorns because she was simply no good at any other subject—potion brewing, conjuring, fortune telling—and she’d grown rather bitter about it over the years. She’d started to view her illusions as a crutch that held her back from growing.

No more. From now on, she would delight crowds with the greatest illusions Equestria had ever seen. And for the last month, it had been working. She’d started in the small but thriving Appleloosa and had knocked the crowd dead (… metaphorically, for once.) From there, she’d been able to get another shot at Manehattan and had worked support for the Wonderbolts show; she hadn’t had title line, but it had gotten her name out. And when it was time for the newly remodeled Stalliongrad Museum of Historic Sweaters and Socket-Wrenches to put on a show, naturally, they had turned to her.

Because the Museum of Historic Sweaters and Socket-Wrenches didn’t draw huge crowds, and she was within their budget.

Nonetheless, it seemed luck had finally found its way into Trixie’s career. She sped up a little, smiling widely as she made her way through the morning sunlight. She was on the road to Stalliongrad, the road to success, and nothing would stop her.

At that moment, she noticed that the road ahead was blocked by a crowd of ponies. As she drew closer, she was forced to stop; they hadn’t noticed her and did not move out of her way.

“… dentist … electrician … another dentist … hotdog vendor? That’s the best you could do with your magic—eh, I’ll take it anyways … schoolteacher … oh, for the love of me, another dentist? Three dentists in a town of two hundred?”

Trixie froze.

She hadn’t noticed, but none of the ponies were moving at all. They stood still as stone, their gazes vacant and breathing shallow. She didn’t know how she’d missed it, but there was a spell upon them; they had been paralyzed and bound. And between them, something slithered and slunk, pausing by ponies as it spoke.

She saw a horn vanish each time the shifting creature passed by a body.

“… ah, how disappointing. I’d hoped an entire village’s worth of unicorns would have somepony useful,” said the creature, sliding through the crowd toward where Trixie stood. “You see, miss traveler, these bumpkins barely had as much magic together as I had in just my nose yesterday—and I only had a single pony’s magic then.”

Discord rose from the crowd, facing her with a terrifying gaze … but one eye was different than the last time she’d met the monster, when he’d placed her under the arm of a Ursa Minor like a teddybear. His body was changed as well—his wings were gone, and his horns had turned to two unicorn’s horns, twisted with colors like a chemical-spill rainbow. He had a skeletal look, like a colt who had suddenly grown to a stallion’s size over a summer; his skin looked stretched, and his limbs were thin and wiry.

“But even if the majority have been useless—eleven dentists, can you believe that?” continued Discord, his tone bemoaning his fate. “—even if they have mostly been useless, I’ve the magic of almost thirty unicorns now. As a baseline, I’ve almost doubled the power Twilight Sparkle left with me.”

Trixie shied back a step, but Discord moved like the wind and twisted around her, holding her neck in a clawed hand and bringing them face to face. As he looked into her eyes, she could feel he was sensing her magic.

“W-what did you do to them?” she managed to gasp though the iron grip on her windpipe.

“I gave them a choice. They gave me their magic; I didn’t burn their little bumpkinville to the ground. The noble unicorns were more than happy to give themselves up for their friends and family,” growled Discord, smiling a little as his magic wormed though her retinas. “Illusions, at last. I’ve simply not been funny of late—trapping an earth pony on a cloud is so a thousand years ago, and who laughs at being struck by an anvil anymore?—and I think a little razzle-dazzle may fix that. May I have your magic?”

“No!” she shouted, twisting in his grip. She tried to summon the power to teleport but felt a familiar force clamp down: the magic of Twilight Sparkle, the unicorn who’d utterly humiliated her in Ponyville. The magician had barely even tried back then—Trixie was beyond outmatched.

“Give me your magic,” Discord commanded, holding her in the air by the neck. She felt a tingle about her body, then shrunk, finding herself in his palm. Her body continued to change, her skin changing to yarn and her insides to fluff. Her eyes were now buttons, but she could somehow see. “Or I will cast a Want-It-Need-It spell on you and toss you into the middle of that pack of pathetic peasants … they’ll rip you apart like griffons.”

Trixie would have been shaking if she’d had muscles. Discord’s voice seemed to be inside her fluff-filled head, echoing the command over and over. There was an unspoken promise that she would not be harmed if she gave in.

She’d rather have died than been left without magic. She could no longer do it herself, so she created the illusion of a pair of lips spitting on him. The last thing she saw as her eyes were ripped off was a pack of adoring-looking ponies bearing down upon her.

Exhaling, Twilight Sparkle sat up and gave a goofy smile, the warm sunlight that streamed through her window warming her as she woke.

It had been a rough night’s sleep, but she’d managed—she’d asked the Princess for advice about sleeping with wings and found an enchanted pillow her horns would not rip. The previous evening filtered through her mind; it had been the perfect end to her stressful day. Her parents had stayed with her through dinner and helped her recover from her fate. It had set her at ease—the Guard still fled on sight, and the staff seemed to be waiting to be transmuted into vegetables, but if her parents were able to cope with things, so could she.

Carefully stepping into the shoes lent to her by Celestia, she got out of bed.

She snuck past the still slumbering Spike, pausing as she noticed his blanket was falling off of him. She glanced to her right forehoof … dare she try to magic it into place, or should she simply pull it with her mouth?

She decided against any morning mayhem and simply tugged it over him. He gave a little thankful mumble and immediately resumed snoring.

The castle was thankfully quiet in the mornings, so she was free to walk the halls alone. Her shoes echoed loudly, the metal clanks reverberating from the masonry to the high eaves, so she kept to the carpets. It was pleasant to be back in what had been her home for so many years; as much as she loved Ponyville, her heart had always been for Canterlot.

Heh—I’ve got two hearts now, maybe I can feel that way about Ponyville too, she thought with a snort, the dual heartbeats subtly reminding her of her changes. It was the least intrusive of her changes, but was becoming the one that bothered her the most.

As she passed by a mirror, she had to let out a sigh and come to a halt.

Her new appearance was simply monstrous. She would never get used to it; she didn’t want to, either. She wanted to be Twilight Sparkle, unicorn. Not Twilight Sparkle, dragon-bat-unicorn-thingy.

A thought entered her head: she was to spend the day practicing her magic to try and learn how to control it. Her attempt to hide her appearance yesterday had failed, but Discord had been a master of transformation and illusion. Surely she could change herself to a single form if he could take a thousand in a minute?

She gingerly kicked off a single shoe and tapped it to the floor.

Her reflection stayed the same. There wasn’t even some fanfare or random wackiness—her dumb, ugly mug just looked back. Anger flushed through her veins. Magic wasn’t this hard. Magic had never been this hard for her, even as a foal. Why was it so hard now that she had limitless powers at her disposal?

She tried to smash her hoof into the mirror and fell.

Groaning, she sat up. She’d managed to fall; what a mature pony she was. She looked around to see if anypony had seen her. To her horror she noticed two maids trotting down the hall; they were talking to each other and seemed nervous. She looked around for her shoe and found it on its side. With haste she tried to flip it over so she could leave—and found it immovable.

And then the maids walked through her.

Twilight Sparkle fell back as they continued down the hall, turning out of sight. They had both been earth ponies. And phasing magic was very advanced; even Twilight had trouble with it. So how had they walked through her? Had she made herself incorporeal instead of—oh.

She saw it. Everything in the hall was backwards.

She’d fallen into the mirror and was now inside the reflected world.

With a groan she set to trying to get back out.

“Grass!”

Applejack smiled as the little dappled foal leapt from Fluttershy’s grasp onto the grass, rolling in it merrily. He was as happy to be on the ground as any earth pony in his situation had a right to be. A moment later, his mother pounced him into a tight hug.

“Uh, wow,” said Rainbow Dash as she set down the quivering red stallion. He didn’t take to the ground as well, his eyes wide and breathing ragged. “You okay, buddy?”

“Yeah, I’ve never seen an earth pony look so uncomfortable on the ground, mister!” said Pinkie Pie, appearing at his side. Around them the townsponies cheered as Rarity focused on the tracking amulet’s magic. “Come on, whoop it up!”

“He took my horn,” said the stallion, looking to her. “He took my magic. Discord took my magic. I-I’m supposed to tell the Elements of Harmony—you’re the Elements, aren’t you?”

“Y-yes,” said Pinkie, taking a step back.

“H-he put me on the cloud and brought up P-Pip,” said the stallion, gesturing to the foal and his overjoyed mother. “And he said he’d throw Pip to the ground unless I let him take my magic. And then he told me to tell you.”

“Okay, come over here,” said Pinkie Pie, putting a leg around him and taking him to a bench under a tree. Meanwhile, Rainbow Dash and Applejack shared a look.

This was bad news.

Only minutes prior, they had caught up to where Discord had been last night. It was supposed to have brought good news—and now they found that Discord had added a second unicorn’s magic to his abilities by threatening to kill a foal. Granted, the pony was likely not nearly as powerful as Twilight, but still …

“I can not wait to use this,” said Rainbow Dash, hefting the mace in her teeth. “Rarity! Hurry that spell up!”

“I’m—gah!—I’m trying!” shouted Rarity, the silver glow around her horn pulsing. It faded a moment later. “I’ve got him! He’s near Stalliongrad!”

“… that’s like two hundred miles,” Applejack said, her jaw falling. “How in the hay did he go two hundred miles in a night?”

“Teleported,” groaned Rainbow Dash. Fluttershy crept to her side, looking worried. “Or who knows, he’s probably stolen some wings.”

“He can do that?” Pinkie cried in alarm, having re-joined them. The townsponies were helping with the red stallion, allowing the Elements to talk. “How?”

“Well, if he can take magic and Twilight took his, why can’t he take pegasus magic?” said Rainbow Dash with a shrug. “And the first thing you do after losing a pair of wings? Get yourself some more. They’re way too useful.”

“… okay, this is bad,” said Applejack, pulling her friends in close. “As in, bad as last time bad. Twilight’s magic we could deal with. Now it’s gettin’ crazy and he’s way to far away—”

“Wait!” said Rarity, her eyes and the tracking amulet lighting up. “He moved! He’s nearby, ten miles north!”

“That’s like a minute for me!” said Rainbow Dash, leaping into the air. Applejack bit onto her tail, hauling her back down.

“Come on, Dashie, it’s obviously a trap!” grunted Applejack, wrestling the pegasus back to earth.

“And how could you know that?” asked Rainbow Dash with a scowl.

“Common sense. Rarity had to cast the spell last time, right? Why would it suddenly flash?”

“He knows we’re looking for him!” said Pinkie Pie in alarm. “No fair! He’s not supposed to be that smart—he’s tricky, but he’s overconfident! It’s in his character description!”

“… okay, this ain’t still-under-warranty Discord,” said Applejack. “This here is a broken product. He’s like a wolf with a hurt paw; he’s scared and he’s slowed down. He ain’t got his usual tricks, so he has to get creative. And a creative wolf does all sort of things you don’t expect.”

“I-I’m … I’m …” Fluttershy looked ready to faint.

“Don’t get discouraged, darlin’,” said Applejack, steadying her friend. “We just got to be smart. His back’s to the wall and he’s desperate—he’s gonna be tricky, but he’s gonna make mistakes. We need to set a trap for him just the same, and we need it to play to our strengths, not to his.”

“Ok … Dash has Flying …” said Pinkie Pie, listening as she jotted down a list. “And Applejack’s an earth pony, so she’ll have Common Sense … Flutter’s magic is The Stare … Rarity can detect gems and do basic magic, and I’ve got my Pinkie Sense …”

“Which, ah admit, is pretty hard,” sighed Applejack. “‘Bout the only chance I think we got is to set out one of us as bait.”

“Dibs.” Rainbow Dash leapt into the air and took a ready pose.

“Alright, darlin’, here’s how it—”

“Shh!”

Applejack had been about to speak when Pinkie Pie cut her off by shushing her and sticking a hoof over her mouth.

“Don’t say it yet!” warned Pinkie Pie, looking to the side of their group at nothing. “We need to wait for the scene to change; if we make the plan off-screen, then it’ll actually work! On-screen plans never work!”

“… okay, Fluttershy?” said Rainbow Dash, turning to the yellow pony. “Your mission is to make sure she doesn’t get any more pixie sticks today. We’re already losing her.”

“Aaarrrggg!”

Such a grunt was rarely heard in the halls of Canterlot. In fact, the last time had been after Twilight Sparkle’s transmutation final, when she’d accidentally turned her favorite doll into a live mule.

“I see your disappearance this morning was not a joyous one,” said Celestia, looking to the side of the hall where her groaning student, Twilight Sparkle, had entered. Luna stood by Celestia’s side—they had been discussing Twilight’s situation—and both of their bodyguard squads were cowering behind them.

“I got trapped in a mirror,” sighed Twilight, looking ready to collapse. “And then I managed to turn my breakfast omelet into a chicken. And then I may have turned the east ballroom into a ballpit.”

“… a ball … pit?” asked Luna, looking to Celestia.

“You’ll see,” said Celestia with a smile. “Twilight, I will assume you have made little progress with your powers.”

“… I’m sorry,” said Twilight, her head drooping. “I’ll get right back to—“

“No, I did not wish to admonish,” said Celestia, nuzzling Twilight to bring her head back up. “But I do have an observation: you are not having fun.”

“Of course I’m not!” said Twilight, looking alarmed. “This is too serious—I didn’t sound like I was goofing off, did I? I would never do that, Princess, I promise!”

“… you will have to break that promise,” said Celestia. “Because Discord’s magic works best when the user is having fun.”

“… really?”

“Do you remember yesterday, with your friend Applejack’s hat?” said Celestia, trotting away from the throne. Twilight followed; Celestia glanced back to Luna. Luna nodded, understanding what her sister wanted—she was to take the guards and make sure none were about to have heart attacks. “You simply tried to fill it with water and it did, because you thought it would be funny.”

“Well, yeah, but—”

“And do not forget, my sister and I once knew Discord,” continued Celestia. “When we were foals, he was … less of what he is today. He could be cruel and hurtful, but there was always a joke or a laugh in it for him, and just as often, he could make us laugh—the chocolate rain was a favorite of Luna’s.”

“… what happened?” Twilight asked, her voice soft. There was fear in it.

“… we do not know,” said Celestia, sensing her student’s misgivings. “But I believe it was because the seed of cruelty was always part of Discord; there is no such seed in you, Twilight. Your use of the magic need not be like his.”

“… okay, next problem …” said Twilight, her spirits quickly bucking up. Celestia had always admired the faith her student could put in others’ support; it was the mare’s greatest strength. “My idea of fun is reading. And studying. So what am I supposed to do, summon up a shelf of books? Make my homework do itself?”

“The latter would make you the envy of foals everywhere,” said Celestia with a smirk; she caught Twilight doing the same. “But perhaps you could try summoning a book—it should be simple enough.”

“… here goes?” asked Twilight, looking up to Celestia. Celestia nodded, and Twilight kicked off a golden shoe, then stomped.

A rumbling sound began to fill the castle.

 “… oh dear,” said Celestia, raising a magic barrier around them. Twilight began to stammer apologies. Moments later, every door flew open at once as books began to fly in upon papery wings, whirling around them as a literary tornado. Then they flew back out of the doors they had entered from, and a single tome fell at Twilight’s feet.

Comedy for Eggheads.

“… good choice,” said Celestia as Twilight fell to the floor and let out a happy sigh.

The Captain of the Equestrian Guard was not a happy pony.

In fact, it was in his job description to be grumpy. Today, however, he had a bigger reason to be unhappy than the fact he was paid to scowl. Today, he was faced with the fact that he and his stallions had repeatedly proven themselves cowards in front of the Princesses, the castle staff, and Steeltail’s mother, who had come to the castle to drop off a tray of cookies.

As he munched down on the oatmeal and raisin cookie, the delectable moistness turned to ash.

“So, we’ve got a problem,” he said, addressing his assembled soldiers. The Guard was not huge—in fact, all of the members fit in the meeting chamber they had been assigned, even including Luna’s hoof-picked squad. “We’ve shamed ourselves, lads.”

“Hey, I’m doing okay!” shouted one of the pegasus guards. “I tried to attack Nightmare Moon when she attacked!”

“Dude! She was brainwashed!” shouted one of the black coated stallions from Luna’s squad. “Drop that, will you?”

“Hey, Mr. Batwings, I didn’t see you facing down Twilight Sparkle, did I?” shouted one of the other guards. The captain sighed as the meeting devolved into a number of shouting matches and then came to blows.

At least we’re finally fighting somepony, even if it is ourselves, he thought glumly.

Unspoken Plan Guarantee

What am I doing wrong?

Discord slunk though the stones of the rock farm he had chosen as a trap. It was abandoned and bleak, save for an earth pony family (the dourest he’d ever seen, dressed in drab and coated the same) whom he’d left tied and gagged to a large rock in plain sight.

The bait was there.

He’d sensed the tracking magic and had purposely lit it; his pursuers knew where he was.

He’d even come up with a clever plan to deal with his attackers: a cloud of laughing gas. The combined magic of nine dentist unicorns gave him the ability to produce a great deal of it at once. While he hated lowering himself to such a base level to get a laugh, he’d been completely unable to think of a funny trap or trial.

In fact, it had been days since he’d thought of a gag.

The foal and stallion on the cloud? Cruel, yes. Surprising, yes. Funny? No. Effective? Yes. It helped progress his plans towards his goals, but it just wasn’t right. Other incidents further disturbed him. Repeatedly teleporting ponies around to disorient them in a maze? A technical feat, but it lacked … pizazz. Teleporting pizzas onto ponies until they nearly drowned in sauce and cheese? Well, pizazz was there, but there was no elegance to it. And that ghastly affair with the unicorn—he shuddered. He’d never do that again.

He’d wasted a talented unicorn’s magic, and it hadn’t even had a chance of making anypony laugh because he’d had to hypnotize the crowd!

As he munched down on the stale bread in the family’s kitchen, he glanced outside. The ponies were still there. He was growing angry. It was bad enough that they’d emagiculated him—Oh! there was a funny word! He’d have to remember it—but to ignore him? He was still a threat!

Hadn’t he proved that when he’d taken down the Wonderbolts, one of Celestia’s most valuable military forces? Twitching the wings he’d taken from that one pegasus in trade for a pie and for sparing the lives of his compatriots—Soarin, that was his name—Discord nodded his head.

He was still a threat. He was still dangerous. He was still playing in the big leagues.

He took another bite of moldy bread and stared out the dirty window at the bound earth ponies.

“Okay, let’s do this!”

“Checklist, check!” said Spike excitedly, racing around Twilight’s and his room in Canterlot. He, as usual, was in charge of the checklist. It had been a rough couple of days for the little lizard—his worry for Twilight had beaten him down quite a bit—but as they settled back into their study pattern, he felt a world’s worth of worries whisk away. “Tea and cookies, check!”

“Ruby jam and mercury-flavored soda, check,” Twilight said with a smile, looking to the pile of Spike’s favorite snacks.

“Book! Check!”

“Relaxing music, check!”

“Excessive preparedness, check!”

“Begin! Check!”

In unison the two plopped down on their floor pillows in front of the warm fire, took a sip of their drinks, and began to read as Spike flipped the book to its first page.

An Egghead’s Guide to Comedy
A Practical and Logical Guide to the Theory, Mechanics, and Creation of Laughter via the Stimulus-Response Process

Chapter One—The Short Game and the Long Game
In comedy, be it a stand up performance, humorous theater production, or simply telling a friend a funny story, one must plan two different strategies. The main effort, the Long Game, will herein be referred to as the Joke. The Joke’s goal is to build to a major laugh via the creation of suspense and interest …

“Spike asleep, check,” whispered Twilight Sparkle, gingerly tugging Spike’s blanket over him. On cue, the dragon had fallen asleep, as he always did when they read together. She checked to make sure his snores would not light the pillow on fire and pulled the book closer to her.

The Short Game, henceforth referred to as the Gag, is used at intervals within the joke to aid in pacing and break apart the joke to prevent it from becoming tedious. A gag should not be complex—a pun, a slapstick accident, a silly reaction, any of these are acceptable. They exist to aid the Joke.

Example with Notations:

My friend and I are trotting down the road one day, and we find this apple pie just lying there. Now, my friend, who will remain nameless, is a way more honest pony than I am. Also, his name is Falling Anvil. So, anyways, here’s this pie …

At that point, the page ended, and Twilight turned it.

She was struck in the face by a spring-loaded apple pie.

It took several seconds of blinking for her to clear her eyes and accept that she had, in fact, just been struck by a pie. It wasn’t until her eyes fell on the next page that she understood why.

Notations
Sentence One: This sentence sets the stage so the audience can imagine the setting. It also makes the audience think the joke is simply a story when it is in fact physical comedy.

Sentence Two: By casting a nameless pony and claiming they are more honest, the teller builds the audience’s understanding of both the nameless pony and the teller.

Sentence Three: When the teller tells their friend’s name, they reference the earlier claim of being dishonest by proving themselves willing to deceive. This gag is in the center of the joke to meter out the story and draw the audience into the narrative so they emphasize with the characters, and therefore, invest more attention in the events.

Sentence Four: This sentence cuts off, building suspense.

Page Turn: When the audience is unexpectedly hit by a pie, this shocks them out of the state of mind they were in and allows those observing the event to laugh.

Twilight glanced to Spike. He was still asleep. With a smirk and a sigh she rose to go wash her face—this book was going to be a tough read.

“No toys?”

Discord was literally tearing the rock farmers’ home apart, having chucked two dressers and a cabinet though the walls of the farmhouse with telekinesis. He was bored beyond belief and was desperately searching for something—anything!—to pass the time with.

“Not even a doll?” The draconequus was in shock as he finished dismantling the foals’ rooms. He then checked and chucked their parents’ rooms through a wall, finding nothing entertaining there as well. Returning to the living room, he found there were no books, magazines, musical instruments or devices, or other such necessities for mental stimulation.

Storming outside, he made way to the menaced family, seeking words.

“Okay, what the hay is wrong with you ponies?” he roared into their faces. The gagged foals began to cry, the mare glared at him hatefully, and the stallion struggled uselessly.

“No toys for the little ones? No books? Not even something droll and dry, like an almanac? What is wrong with you all—did your little earth pony brains shrivel up?”

He felt a ping of magic.

“Hold on, I have to take this,” he said with a sigh, turning from the ponies. He scanned the horizon; no heroes in sight. He focused on the magic again; it was the tracking spell, but its source was farther away than before. In fact, it was where he had been that morning, near Stalliongrad!

Had they simply not sensed his trap? That would explain why they didn’t try to stop him here. Quite well, actually: ponies never abandoned those in need. With a deep breath, he focused and teleported, looking to crack a few skulls for making him wait.

“Here I am, my tiny little ponies!” he roared as the cobbled highway and cheery forests from earlier swam into view, granting him blessed relief from the trapped farmers and their detestable dirt. He looked around; there was nopony in sight. There were tracks heading towards the town he’d struck earlier; the ex-unicorns had likely returned home after the spell had worn off.

The doll’s remains were gone.

Casting a spell to make himself appear to be a pegasus, he took to the air on his stolen wings. A quick check of the woods revealed nopony’s presence, and as he flew farther and farther, he found himself unable to find the tracking magic’s source. The town caught his eye—and then a rainbow streak flew from it.

Rainbow Dash.

He’d done quite a number on the mare. Taking a pegaus’s wings away was a rather crushing blow—and then, he’d tried to hammer her into uselessness with further magical mayhem. She was supposed to be the lynch-pin of his plan: the most loyal pony would be the one that the Elements of Harmony were least prepared to lose. She’d vanish, and they wouldn’t want to find her. It had almost worked, too, when Twilight Sparkle had tried to have her familiar use Dash’s element.

But she’d shown up. And ruined Discord’s plans. There were ponies in the world that he hated more—Celestia and Luna popped to mind, but vanished as he imagined himself throttling Twilight Sparkle—but they were few and far between.

He decided he was going to enjoy this a lot more than was healthy.

He dropped the illusion immediately. He didn’t care if she saw him coming. He had too much magic for even the fastest pegasus to deal with—ah, stop. Overconfidence, that had been his downfall last time. He needed to start stacking things in his favor.

He launched a fireball at the village below.

“Why hello, Rainbow Dork!” he shouted, flapping through the clouds. As predicted, the pegasus flew though the fire and blasted it apart. He launched five more. “Lovely weather, isn’t it?”

She didn’t say anything, simply battering apart his spells as she flew closer. She was paying for saving the town; each time she destroyed a spell, sparks caught upon her, burning into her coat, mane, and wings. She was smoldering slightly as she dove through a cloud to extinguish herself.

With some amusement, Discord noted she had a mace clenched in her mouth.

A mace. How perfect a metaphor for the pegasi—blunt and useless outside of war. Celestia had given them control of the weather because they weren’t needed for anything else, and the years of peace had not been kind. They compromised most of the Royal Guard, but hadn’t even put up a half-hearted fight against him.

He waited until she was within striking distance to teleport inside a nearby cloud.

He immediately turned himself invisible and went silent. He sensed her flying around, then screaming in rage. Good. His plan was working; he was going to simply whittle her down until her allies came out to help her. Once he knew what he was dealing with, he’d teleport a long ways away and then form a better plan—unless it was only a pony or two, in which case he’d simply hit them as well.

Wishing he could whip the cloud into a dollop of ice cream like in the old days, he teleported back out of the cloud to continue his attacking.

“I must say, Rainbow Dash, I’m shocked to see you here!” he said as he blasted her with a bolt of lightning.

She either let out a groan from pain or from the lameness of his joke before pressing the attack again.

Twilight Sparkle let out a long breath and kicked off her shoes.

The Gala Ballroom was empty. She’d gotten Princess Celestia’s okay before she’d used it, but it was simply the best room for what she was going to try. It wouldn’t be needed for several months in the event it needed repair, it was far from the rest of the castle, and it made sense to dance in the dance hall.

“And a one-two-three!” she stated to the air, shuffling her feet.

She paused, slapped herself in the face, and turned on the record player she’d brought. This time, there would actually be music to dance to.

“And a one-two-three!”

Twilight Sparkle’s dancing had been described as both “tragic” and “epic” by her friends, but both terms had been said with laughter in their voices. As she began to tap over the floor, she hoped her scheme worked. The Egghead’s Guide had said that bad dancing was always funny, and she’d remembered the strange dance Discord had done in the stained glass window.

The stained glass windows burst to life, dragons and ponies dancing in place. She focused on the tapestries, which showed famous ponies and events. They came to life as well. With a staccato set of hoof-taps, she set to something a little bigger than a Come-To-Life spell, several conjurations which she thought were appropriate to the situation.

As balloons began to fall from midair and the chandeliers began to light in pulsing club colors, she couldn’t help but let out a whoop, rearing onto her back legs as she let out a cry of victory.

A moment later, she felt her hindhooves fall from the floor, and she tumbled to the ceiling.

“… okay, celebrated too soon,” she sighed as her magics continued above—no, below her. She focused on one of the sayings her magic teachers had drilled into her: “Repeat after me: do not celebrate victory until you’ve finished everything you needed to do or your life will be one long stream of headaches.”

“Ha!”

Rainbow Dash was struck with a tornado and thrown off course. Her body ached as she flapped her sizzling, ash-covered wings to regain control of herself.

“—and once again!” cackled Discord, launching another one at her as he peeked out of a cloud.

Cursing into the handle of the mace, she broke left and plummeted below the cloud line. She was in bad shape—she’d been electrocuted, charred, laughing-gassed, tarred, electrocuted again, covered in thorny flowers, and electrocuted. Again. But she’d signed up for this; she was the lynch-pin in her friends’ plans.

Looking up, she saw Discord had chosen to stay in his clouds.

“Fluttershy! I really need some help!” she shouted, turning back and speeding upwards. A brick wall appeared and crumbled as it fell, forcing her to dodge and lose most of her speed. The yellow pegasus appeared in the corner of her eyes just as a brick caught her attention—it was time to spring their trap.

She let the brick hit her in head and pretended to be knocked out, going limp, dropping the mace, and plummeting toward the ground.

Her eyes were shut, but she knew Fluttershy was racing towards her … and so was Discord, cackling as the wings she’d known he would have beat. In her seemingly vulnerable state, and with Fluttershy’s unthreatening nature, Applejack had predicted that Discord would press the attack.

“Dash!” shouted Fluttershy, bucking the mace to her. She reared and caught it, flapping to face Discord, who looked surprised. A moment before, he’d been confident in his attack. Now, he tried to switch back to his old strategy of teleporting away.

But now he was close enough to the ground that Rarity was able to block his spell.

When Rainbow Dash flicked her neck and the mace compacted Discord’s face, it let out the most pleasing ‘wham’ that anypony had ever heard.

Then the wings on Discord’s back vanished.

Discord struck the ground hard. In an instant he recovered, but it wasn’t fast enough—Applejack’s lasso had gone around him and bound his limbs. He tried to teleport again; Rainbow Dash heard Rarity, hidden in the nearby foliage, cry out with exertion.

“Dashie! She can’t hold him here much longer!” shouted Applejack, tying off her rope around a tree.

“And when you hit him, he lost some of the magic he stole!” shouted Pinkie Pie, bouncing into view. “Keep hitting him!”

Rainbow Dash didn’t know how she found the energy she did, but as she spotted the panic on Discord’s face as he noticed her rearing up with the mace, she resolved to put it to good use.

Luna Loves Twilight's Pits

“Are we there yet?” moaned Pinkie Pie, wiping sweat from her brow as she rolled down another hill atop a barrel.

“Pinkie, we’ve been traveling for, like, five minutes,” said Rainbow Dash, rolling her eyes as she and the other Elements of Harmony trotted after Pinkie. After a brief rest and a trip to a pickle factory to get a barrel for the partially liquified draconequus, they’d begun the long, arduous task of traveling back to Canterlot.

And Pinkie Pie, walking atop Discord’s barrel as it rolled along the road, had already asked if they were there yet twenty times.

“It feels like we’ve been going home for a month! No, more than a month!” moaned Pinkie, hiccuping as the barrel rolled over a rock and a muffled grunt came from inside. “How many episodes have come out between this story’s updates? Like, five?”

Rainbow Dash sighed and shook her head. “Less and less sense as time goes on.”

“Oh, hey, check it! It’s Rainbow Dash!”

The blue pegasus’s ears perked in an instant. She knew that voice. She knew it well. She began to look around frantically as her friends came to a stop. Then she saw them—the Wonderbolts.

“Wow, it is her!” said Spitfire, trotting out of the brush with Soarin’ and several other Wonderbolts. They looked like they’d been through a wringer—they had rope burns, a few black eyes, and a scorch mark or two. “Man, Dash, what happened? You look like you fought a dragon.”

Rainbow Dash sputtered for several moments before devolving into giddy squees.

“Uh, she has, sorta,” said Applejack, walking over and offering a hoof to Soarin’. His eyes lit up at the sight of her. “Hey, remember ya from the Gala.”

“Dude, I remember you! That pie was awesome!” laughed the easygoing pegasus—

Wait! He doesn’t have any wings! she thought.

Soarin’ noticed Applejacks eyes tracing his back. “Uh, yeah, lost ’em. You know Discord? That draconequus thing? Funny story: we ran into him, and he beat us up. Told us to tell you 'he stole him some wings and y’all could suck it.”

Fluttershy picked up the mace.

“So, yeah, when you guys beat him, wouldya mind getting my wings back?” Soarin’ gave a nervous, hopeful grin.

At that moment, a pair of wings fluttered down, beating like butterflies, and affixed themselves to his sides.

“Funny story: we already whupped him,” said Applejack, beaming. “Dashie here went hoof-to-hoof with him and beat the magic out o’ his cruddy hide. We all took turns—we got what’s left of him in that there barrel.”

“I will pay you all my money if you let me kick him a few times,” said Soarin’, taking a checkbook out of his uniform. He looked strangely serious for once. “All of it.”

Fluttershy set the mace down next to him.

“It would be improper for us to charge for such a thing,” said Rarity airily, opening the barrel with magic. Discord sort of poured out, slowly standing on shaky paws and muttering the word ‘rutabaga’ over and over again.

“Uh, good, because I’m broke,” laughed Soarin’, tossing the checkbook away and picking up the mace. “Hey, Disco-dude, remember that buffalo pie you sold me? You said it was made by buffalo! Well, guess what, it was poop!”

Applejack looked to Spitfire. “… did he … you know?”

Wham.

“… ’bout half before he caught on,” sighed the lead Wonderbolt.

“Twilight! Twilight!”

“I’m in here!” called Twilight, her voice surprisingly happy. This relieved Spike, who had feared the worst when he’d woken up without her nearby. He knew he shouldn’t always think she’d run away, but it was hard not to be afraid for her. As he scampered towards the door her voice had rung from, he hoped that she’d be in an okay mood.

As he entered, he no longer had to hope.

“Uh, Twi, is this a ball pit … full of books?” he asked, looking in shock at the pool of tomes and ledgers that filled the room.

Twilight laughed a clear, happy laugh as she swam the backstroke past him. “It’s a book pit!” she replied, diving in and vanishing. A few moments later, Princess Luna burst out nearby, shocking Spike so much he nearly fell over backwards.

“Ha-ha! Pit technology has evolved in such marvelous ways!” she declared, swimming over to the side and crawling out. “Tell me, dragon, what other types of pits are there? I have enjoyed the pit of balls, books, and mosh, but I will not rest until I have partaken in every pit imaginable!”

“… am I still asleep?” asked Spike, looking around in confusion. “Because this did not just happen.”

Twilight looked sheepish as she climbed out of the book pit, letters and punctuation dripping from her sides. “Uh, well, I was in your dreams for a little.” She shook herself dry, spelling out a decent draft for an essay on non-dimensional spells and their application in daily life. “Was that Rarity or a marshmallow?”

“… um …” said Spike, eyes going wide. Which dreams had she been in? He’d had a few private ones.

“Twilight! Luna! Good news!”

The timely arrival of Celestia saved Spike from explaining several things that no young male should have to talk about his mother figure with. The white alicorn’s wide smile could only have meant one thing, but nopony could say it for fear it wasn’t true.

“They beat the everliving buck out of Discord!” Celestia exclaimed, squeeing and clopping her hooves in excitement.

Luna and Twilight looked to each other and, as Twilight was now aware was mandatory for awkward reactions, beads of comically oversized sweat rolled down their temples.

Spike would have joined them, but he was a reptile and did not sweat.

Celestia cheerfully continued, “The Elements are on their way back with what’s left of him. It will take some time by hoof, so I’ve sent a group of guards to fetch them. It’s about the only thing my troops are useful for, anyways.”

From where he was hidden in the hall, the Captain of the Guard let out a loud groan.

“Okay, so anypony else?” Pinkie Pie called to the crowd as another remagiculated unicorn finished his turn at Wham-A-Discord. A number of ponies surged to the front of the horde, eagerly tossing their bits into Applejack’s outheld hat. “All right, then! If you brought your own mace or mallet or two-by-four, form a line on the left! If you need one, form a line on the right!”

After meeting with the Wonderbolts, the Elements of Harmony had been given a quick flight to a nearby town that Discord had struck. When they had arrived, Soarin’ and Rainbow Dash’s conversation about how good beating up Discord was for stress relief was overheard by a trio of dentists.

Ten minutes later, they’d started accepting bits for turns at Whack-A-Discord because it was getting too hard to turn the money away. Rarity had suggested giving it to charity, and everypony had thought that was a great idea.

Except Discord. But nopony cared what he thought.

“Uh, so, Miss Rarity?” The white unicorn turned from watching the throng to find several embarrassed-looking unicorns standing there, one levitating a ball of yarn scraps. “My name is Toothsome. I’m one of the dentists from earlier.”

Rarity smiled, nodding at the stallion. “Ah, I remember—I also believe you purchased a hat from me once.” He gave a feeble smile but seemed pleased to be recognized. “Would this be that hat? It must have seen quite the accident.”

“Ah, no,” said the unicorn, cringing. “This is a doll. Was a doll. But it wasn’t always a doll.”

Rarity winced. She could see where this was going.

“It was once a unicorn. She happened upon us after Discord hypnotized us … and when she wouldn’t give him her magic, he … he … he cast a spell on us. I think it was called—”

“Want-It-Need-It,” said Rarity, focusing her magic and accepting the scraps gingerly. She could feel a slight tingle in the threads—there was something in there, something with magic. “I’ve seen it before.”

“C-can you fix it—her?” asked Toothsome, looking disturbed. “A friend of mine could break the spell if she was whole.”

Rarity separated the pieces and begun to match the pattern. “Hmm … a little … actually, this shouldn’t be too hard.” She focused for another moment and began to knit and stitch—and in less than a minute, she’d repaired the doll, the material seeming to put itself back together. With a final stitch for a pair of button eyes, it was finished.

Oh no. She knew this pony.

A moment later, there was a burst of light.

Rarity gaped, stepping away from the reformed unicorn. “Trixie?” The blue mare looked shocked, unsteady, and disturbed. She took a shaky step, as if seeing if she actually could.

“Everypony clear the way!” she bellowed, turning and racing for the stage. “I’m going to show this beast exactly what an incompetent magician can do!”

Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. “… not the most terrifying threat I’ve ever heard,” she said as the blue mare forced everypony else off the stage.

“Oh?” cackled Trixie, levitating a box and a saw over. “Because I’m going to do the sawed-in-half trick, and I have never pulled it off without maiming a volunteer!”

“… oh my,” said Fluttershy, eyes widening as everypony began to cheer and Trixie slammed Discord into the box.

Back in Business

“ Aaaaaaaand we’re back!” cheered Pinkie Pie, trotting through the gates of Canterlot. “ Whew, that was a crazy trip! We had to go free those farmers, guest star in a Slayers crossover OVA, and re-invent rap-rock”

“ Not...all of that actually happened.” said Applejack, giving a weak smile and a chuckle to the guardspony at the gate, who looked a little surprised. And he had reason to be - it wasn’t every day the Elements of Harmony walked through the front gates with a barrel, a collection of humorously shaped bludgeoning implements, and a Clair Bible. “ Heh hee, haa.” sighed Applejack, noticing that, as usual, everyone in town had noticed the famous Whack-A-Discord carnival had arrived.

“ We’re closed! We are no longer operating!” shouted Rarity, shooing the crowd away. “ Back! Away! Shoo!”

“ Man, that trip was like, sooo so so long.” groaned Rainbow Dash. She was riding on the cart next to Discords barrel. “ It felt like months.”

“ It was six days, darlin’.” muttered Applejack, pulling said cart. However, it was obvious that the orange mare agreed. Somehow, the time spent getting back had just drug on. And on. And on.

That might have had something to do with Trixie following them for four days. Or the whole thing with the squid - whoo, nobody came out of that looking pretty.

“ Hey! Look! Nothings gone crazy!” declared Pinkie Pie, bouncing above the crowd to look at the castle. “ No balloons! No mishaps! And no fun!”

She landed with a pout.

“ Which means, Twilights probably got her chaos powers under control now.” she griped, kicking the dirt around grumpily. “ We missed it! All the mishaps! All the goofyness! All the hijinks!”

“ Lookoutlookoutlookout!” squeaked a familiar voice. Suddenly, Spike came into view, fleeing down the road from the castle. On cue, all the looky-loos fled indoors. And, a few moments later, a wave of radish-headed servants stampeded from around a corner following after him.

“ Huh.” said Pinkie Pie, blinking as her friends began to panic, fleeing with the Discord barrel. “ Okay, I guess thats, you know, wacky.”

“ Pinkie, move! We gotta get away from the falafel's!” shouted Spike, leaping onto her back.

At that moment, it became obvious that the radish-ponies were fleeing from an endlessly replicating river of falafel, surging from the windows of the castle kitchens.

“ All right, all right, now we got a wacky cast and a fun setting, but it’s still missing that something something.” critiqued Pinkie Pie, trotting three steps to the side and avoiding being crushed. Spike sputtered, trying to spur her to flee for safety. “ But whats the joke? Is it just randomness for the sake of randomness? Is Twilight trying to be wacky-”

“ Wait, Twilight?” Spike paused, looking at Pinkie in confusion. “ Oh, no, this isn’t her fault. Well, other than asking me to make her lunch. She’s currently trying to explain to the gryphon ambassador that his beak can be re-attached.”

“ Oh.” said Pinkie, blinking. “ Wait, so this isn’t-”

“ No.”

“ And we aren’t?”

“ Uh-uh.”

“ But we could easily be-”

“ Nope.”

“ But-”

“ Yeah, just, um, no.”

Pinkie Pie pouted. Then, with a snort, a giggle, and a hop-skip, she launched herself into the self-perpetuating ocean of bean curd.

It was good to be back.

“ And she was a one-shot character, you dweebs!” shouted Twilight, fuming as the gryphons stormed off.

“ What dost thou mean by that?” asked Luna, looking to the dracony in confusion.

“ I don’t know. It seemed like something Pinkie would say.” sighed Twilight. “ Oh, well, guess we’re done with the gryphons.”

“ We are. Now, we believe today we were going to attempt to create a pit pit, correct?” inquired the Princess, a hint of childish glee entering her tone.

“ Luna, I’m sorry, but I have reports to file.” sighed Twilight, trying to let the Princess down easy. She turned, as did the princess, and began to trot out of the great hall. She spotted a maid dusting a statue and clacked a hoof - the statue came alive, becoming a strong, romantic stallion with chistled muscles that would wisk her off to a life of adventure and intrigue which revolved around skeeball.

“ Oh, but must thou?” whined Luna, sounding rather childish. “ You keep yourself too busy for a true master of chaos.”

“ Look, I know I have duties with the whole ‘so random!’ thing, but I really need to - hold on.” Now out of earshot of the maid and statuallion, she noticed that there was an elementary school class touring the hall of portraits. Click of a hoof and then the portraits behind the teacher began to make faces, stopping when ever she looked at them. “ But anyways, I know I have duties, but I really need to help the Princess go over Equestria’s finances-”

“ Finances.” said Luna drolly.

“ What with the tax refund to the Apple family, the soaring costs of window replacement, the Grand Galloping Gala organizers expense accounts....the royal treasury is in a bit of trouble.”

“ Aye.” sighed Luna, hanging her head a little.

“ And even if I try to smooth it out, we’re still in the red.” continued Twilight, bemoaning the situation. “ Canterlot is just so expensive to maintain, it’s really just one huge...”

With a smirk she clacked a hoof on the tile.

A moment later Luna gave out a whoop as a trap door opened beneath her, dropping her into a pile of soft bonds and hard cash.

“ Money pit!” giggled Twilight, leaping in after Luna, who was sputtering on a mouthful of gold nickles. A moment later she was showered by a splash of stock certificates as Twilight made a serious depression with her cannonball.

“ Goodness, Twilight, you surprised me!” laughed Luna, watching as Twilight did the backstroke. “ But, a marvelous show!”

“ And it solves our money problem! Now, Equestria is rich again!” giggled Twilight, leaping out and shaking off a downturn in the market. “ Just, don’t tell anyone where we got all this money - just say we ‘haponzied’ upon it!”

She paused, waiting for Luna to laugh.

She waited.

“ Ah, was that, perhaps, a pun?” asked Luna with a forced chuckle.

“ Yeah, I guess that was lame.” sighed Twilight. “ But hey, I’m getting better. Dang, it’s better to end a chapter on a high note. Bah, well, I guess we’re ending chapter nine with a radical restructuring of the accounts of Canterlot, so I guess the right people will get it.”

“...what?” asked Luna, again, now completely lost. Thankfully, a strong market was keeping her (and the monarchy) afloat.

“ Ah, well, this is the ninth chapter of the story. Chapter Nine of the Equestrian Bankruptcy Code allows for municipalities, such as the city of Canterlot, to restructure their debts. Basically, the money I just magicked up will allow us to avoid having to rewrite any collective bargaining agreements, other than the Apple families tax refund, while staying financially solvent.”

“...”

“ Should I summon some crickets to chirp awkwardly?”

“ Yes, that seemed a sound decision.”

POOF.

True to form, the small insects that had appeared chirped. Awkwardly.

Many Longform Returns

ENDING ONE - ANTI-CLIMAX EDITION

“ ...and then I danced like I had never danced before!” concluded Rarity.

“ Wow.” said Spike, looking up at her with glittering eyes. He, as always, was following the mare, hanging on every word. And by following, he was riding on the cart with her. And Rainbow Dash. And Fluttershy. And Pinkie.

Applejack was making some rather rude remarks under her breath as she struggled to pull them up the last few stairs to Canterlot Castle.

“....and...done.” gasped the hard-working mare, collapsing in a panting heap. “ We’re done. It’s over.”

“ Really? We’re done already?” exclaimed Pinkie Pie, leaping off of the cart and looking around in shock. “ No! We just started this adventure! There are so many more side plots to explore! We never had a hotsprings episode! And we don’t have enough episodes to reach syndication!”

“ The only episodes we have are the ones your sugar intake cause, dearie.” chortled Rarity, hopping out of the cart. Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy floated out, lining up with the other elements.

“ And then I sez, I sez - ohmigoshohmigoshohmigosh!” squeaed a familiar voice. A moment later Twilight Sparkle bounded out of the castles mailslot and dashed towards her friends, skidding to a halt in front of then. “ Girls! You're back!”

“ We’re back!” declared Pinkie Pie.

“ And safe!” cheered Twilight, rushing to hug each of them - except for Applejack, who she checked for a pulse.

“ And we have a barrel!” laughed Pinkie Pie.

“ Well, naturally.” replied Twilight. “ I’d be more concerned if you didn’t.”

“ I know - a bucket just doesn’t have the same punch and a box sooooo overused.” giggled Pinkie Pie. Rainbow Dash facehoofed as Fluttershy blinked in confusion. “ I mean, yeah, if we strap on the commando leather, we could use the box, but we’d have to be in it.”

“ And it’d really be out of place to start a crossover this late in the game - you’d have needed to build up, or at least have skipped the anime references so that the genre restructuring could be - “

“ Um, hey.” muttered Applejack weakly, standing up on shaky hooves. “ Ah know ya’ll got a ton of crazy talking to do, but we’ve got something to deal with.”

“ Oh, don’t worry - Discords sealed evil in a can.” said Twilight, trotting over and giving the barrel a kick. A groan came from inside. “ And it’s the last chapter. Stuff like that only gets opened during the rising action part of a story.”

“ Yeah, and we are so climactic right now it hurts.” said Pinkie Pie, nodding her head. “ Which, I must say, is a sentence I haven’t had to utter in almost a ten minutes, so you know I’m being serious.”

“...when have you said that in the last fifteen minutes?” asked Twilight, looking to her in confusion.

“ Skee ball tourney against this cute couple.” replied Pinkie.

“ Ladies! We have a bad guy, in a bucket!” shouted Rainbow Dash, rising above the group. “ Can we get it teleported to the moon or something?”

“ Hmm...no, Discords more of a ‘sealed in a temple devoted to his evil’ type of guy.” said Twilight, giving the barrel another tap. “ Hey, do you want the module written by Monte Cook or Gary Gygax.”

“ gYgaX, plZ.” came the mushy reply. “ hE WearS the shiRTS of tHE HAwaiiAns.”

“ Wow, you guys must have pulled a number on him if he’s Torgo-talking.” muttered Twilight. She hopped onto the barrel, then leaped again and bounced off it like a trampoline. Once, twice, thrice, and it was gone. “ Welp, he’s dealt with!”

“ B-but your still a monster!” said Spike in alarm.

“ Well, yeah.” said Twilight with a shrug. “ I need to get Rainbow Dash that poster I promised her.”

“...thats...your reason...” Spike looked shocked.

“ Dude, alright!” laughed Rainbow Dash. “ I’d almost forgot! That’s really soon!”

“ So...um...” said Fluttershy, stepping forward, then retrating back. After a moment, she continued talking. “ I, um, just need to check. Are we done with, um, Discord?”

“ Yep.” said Twilight, nodding.

“...so, this is, um, it?” she asked again.

“ Yep.” said Twilight, continuing to nod.

“...oh. I thought there’d be, um, more.”

“ No, this is the anti-climactic ending.”

“ Oh.”

“...”

“...so, um, who wants to help me count out Applejacks tax return?”

HOLLYWOOD ACTION PACKED ENDING COMING TO FIMFICTION SOON!
STARRING: PONIES
THIS FIC HAS NOT YET BEEN RATED. OR WRITED.

Wham Episode

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Wham! Wham! Wham!

Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Boop! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham!

“Wooh, my teeth are getting sore,” said Rainbow Dash, letting go of the mace. Discord’s shrunken and battered body lay next to her.

“I’m a dentist, you know?” he said in a singsong voice, his eyes spirals as lumps grew on his noggin.

“Ah’ll spot ya,” said Applejack, trotting over. “Flutteryshy’s got some medical supplies, so she’ll patch ya up.”

Applejack wiped off the slightly slobbery mace handle and picked it up.

“Now les’ see, she was about right here …”

Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Slam! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham! Wham!

“Hey, I’ve got lunch!” Pinkie Pie returned as Applejack wailed upon the draconequus. She’d had time to run to the local town, where the unicorns had already had much of their magic return in the form of rapidly regrowing horns, and gotten them a picnic. “Applejack, give Fluttershy a turn and help me set up!”

“Uh, Fluttershy?” said Applejack, looking at Pinkie Pie. “Really, Pinkie? You think she’s got it in her?”

“Course I do!” chimed Pinkie Pie, laying out a blanket for them to sit on. “Hey, Discord, you want anything?”

“Morphine,” wheezed the draconequus/puddle of goo.

“Uh … well, Fluttershy, want a whack at it?” asked Applejack, looking to the pegasus. She was tending to the exhausted Rarity and Rainbow Dash, who were limping towards the picnic.

“Um … oh … I-I could give it a shot,” said Fluttershy, looking around nervously as if afraid she was being watched. Applejack spat out the mace and wiped it off with her kerchief, then gave it to Fluttershy. The pegasus meekly trotted over to Discord and reared back, then panicked and fell over. She got up and tried again, but stopped herself before she swung the mace.

“Hey, I know you. I turned your bunny into a slenderbunny,” muttered Discord, his eyes focusing a little as he realized who Fluttershy was.

There was a sound unto the end of the world as Fluttershy drove the mace home. Nearly a minute later the dust settled, revealing a huge crater in the forest floor. Discord, still bound tightly, lay motionless and unconscious. Fluttershy looked shocked and ashamed of herself.

Wham!

She gave him one more shot, then trotted over to where her friends were doling out lunch and joined them.