The Human Saint of Equestria
Hey there, reader. I hope you're doing well. Even though I don't know you... What kind of person are you? What do you like and dislike? I'm genuinely interested.
...Heheh, whoops. There I go again. Me and my big heart, always running away with my mouth.
I suppose I'd better introduce myself. The name's Raw Cringe, but my friends call me RC. Kind of a weird name, I know, but don't worry. I'm not pretentious about it or anything. Someday I should tell you how I got the name; it's kind of a funny story.
Anyway, I'm just an ordinary guy, like you, just trying to make my way in this cold, cruel world. Just an ordinary guy: that's me in a nutshell.
Well, whoever you are, I hope you'll enjoy this tale, ripped straight from my life. I know it's going to sound crazy, but this story is true... Everything that I am about to recount really happened to me.
Crazy, I know. But, it seems, that's just my lot in life: I tell the truth, and everyone thinks I'm crazy.
Heh. Don't worry. I'm used to it.
Anyway, with the introductions out of the way, I suppose it's time to begin the story. Let's go!
I woke up, looking forward to nothing but another terrible day at high school.
In school, I was a nobody. Out of school, I had nobody. As a teenager living on my own, I had to struggle every day to make ends meet.
But every time I started to feel sorry for myself, I thought of all the thousands of starving African children who had no legs, and realized I didn't have it so bad after all. I guess my perspective was unusual for my age, because other kids at school had told me that they considered me "wise". Heh. If they wanted to think so, I wasn't about to stop them.
As I walked the five blocks to school that morning, I saw a sight that made me groan. In the distance, maybe a half block ahead of me, I could see my friend Ann walking with her BFF Felicia. And between the two of them, lumbering behind like a clumsy shadow, was the hormonal teenage boy who was the bane of my high school existence: Chad the Jock.
I couldn't hear what they were saying, but I could tell from their body language that Chad was being a total jerk, and probably sexually aggressive too.
I heaved a sigh, and, hanging my head, said a silent prayer for them. It always depressed me that my female friends were constantly made the objects of sexual aggression from inconsiderate males like Chad.
Sometimes I just wanted to scream, "Hey! Their eyes are up here, you know!"
Stupid Chad.
As always before class, I was in the school library.
I didn't have any need to use the internet that day, so I sat at a desk in one of the library's back corners. It was a nice, isolated location. A small islet of freedom from the cares of the workaday high school world.
On a normal day, I would have been buried in a medical textbook or an anthropological ethnography. But, on that particular day, for reasons that are still unclear to me, I was reading a comic book.
A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic comic, to be exact.
As I read, I couldn't help giggling at the hijinks of the little ponies. In comparing their simple hearts with the complicated hearts of all the humans I knew, it always seemed that even in their apparent naivete they seemed to possess a certain wisdom, as if they held the secret means of contact with a more primal truth, a more sincere love, than humans in their corrupt hearts could ever imagine.
I was absorbed in the comic until I heard a growing raucous chatter from across the library. I groaned because I knew what it meant, and I slumped down in the desk as if to hide myself.
Sure enough, right on cue, that dumb jock Chad stomped his way over toward my little corner with all the subtlety of a Donald Trump speech. First I saw his shadow as it darkened the pages of my comic, and then I saw his hand as it slapped down aggressively against the desk I was using.
"Whatcha readin', pipsqueak?"
I looked up, and Chad's empty eyes were as infuriating as ever. I breathed in and out through my nose before stoically responding.
"A book from which I hope to gain some measure of wisdom."
Chad wrinkled his chin. "Hmm." He looked down at my comic, and then picked it up to examine it.
"Dude... pony shit? Really? I didn't think you'd be into this crap, too."
I suppressed a smug laugh. "There are many hidden treasures even in garbage dumps, Chad. Developing the eyes to see them, however, takes time, and... wisdom."
Chad sighed. I could tell that my intellect was overwhelming him.
"You're a fucking faggot," he said, rolling his eyes, as he threw the comic back onto the desk. "Come to the gym after class and lift some weights with us already."
"Excuse me?" I snapped, standing up straight to face him. "How dare you disrespect the wonderful girls in this comic book! You think you can just throw people around like that, huh? Just because you're bigger than them? What right do you have?" I felt a heat in my face as I spoke. I knew not where the conversation would carry me, but I knew that standing up for the little ponies was the most important thing in the world right now.
Chad was struck silent, so I continued. "What? What are you going to say? That those ponies aren't real? Well... I don't believe that," I almost yelled. I noticed that the scattering of other people in the library were pausing in their work to glance my way, which gave me courage. "I think that anyone who is as loving, friendly, and wise as these ponies has to be real, and I don't care what anyone else says, because cosmic justice is more important than quote-unquote common sense, and justice—always—wins—in the end!" I punctuated that last sentence by poking my finger into Chad's overgrown chest.
After I finished, a looming silence fell over the entire library.
But after a moment, all as one, everyone in the library clapped.
They hooted and hollered, applauding my wise speech. Apparently there were still some people in the world who recognized that there were more important things in life than the workaday world of mundane affairs.
Chad, for his part, was obviously dumbfounded. His poor inferior mind was obviously struggling to keep up with mine, and it was satisfying to watch the gears in his head grind to a steaming halt.
I turned triumphantly away from Chad, claiming victory by reclaiming my seat. But when I sat down, I saw an odd thing.
The comic book was glowing.
I stared at it until I felt a hand on my shoulder. I knew it was Chad. He looked at me with a wrinkled visage, half in pain and half lost in thought.
"I should beat your ass for that, but...." he shook his head, "Are you, like, insane?"
I snorted in laughter. "Insane? I'm more sane than I've ever been." The light from the comic grew brighter, but I kept staring down Chad, allowing myself to give him the vicious look of condescension which he had so ripely deserved. "Maybe if you're lucky, someday you'll understand. But I'm not holding my breath."
I turned away from him just in time to watch the My Little Pony comic explode into a light that swallowed everything. I felt my body disintegrate, and then there was nothing.
When I regained my corporeal form, I found myself sitting on something pointy.
And hairy.
"I say, that's one way to make an entrance," I heard a feminine voice mutter from somewhere under me.
Before I knew it I was flying through the air, and I quickly landed with a crash, which was most disorienting.
Once the spinning stars ceased crowding out my field of vision, I looked up and saw a familiar shape, which embodied a familiar color palette.
Indeed, it was Rarity, the magical unicorn from the magical land of Equestria. Over me she loomed, wearing a stern yet kindly glance.
"While I don't know what you are or where you come from, or even whether you know how to speak properly to a lady, I'm going to go out on a wild limb here and ask. Would you care to inform me as to why you have, on this lovely afternoon, suddenly apparated on top of my head without so much as a phone call beforehand?"
I sat stunned. I was being spoken to by a real life character from My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic! It was a pretty wild experience and a lot of thoughts were going through my mind.
However, one thought was louder than the rest.
"Um," I cleared my throat a little, as it was still adjusting to the Equestrian air, "don't you mean 'beforehoof'?"
Rarity gave me a blank look. "What?"
"Nevermind," I said. "Honestly, I don't know how I got here. I was sitting in my school's library reading a comic book before class, and the book started glowing... next thing I knew, I was here."
"Hmm," said Rarity. "It sounds like you need to pay a visit to Princess Twilight."
"I was just thinking the same thing!" I got up on to my feet and began dusting myself off, until I realized that there was no dust on the floor of Carousel Boutique. I was secretly excited, because Twilight Sparkle was my favorite, but I didn't want to be offensive and say that out loud, so I just hid my excitement. "When can I go see her? Is right now okay?"
"Ah, well..." Rarity blanked and looked confused, before sighing and facehoofing. "Perhaps I shouldn't... pry. Why wouldn't you already know of Princess Twilight? At any rate, she's out now, but I believe she's supposed to return this evening in time for dinner."
"How long will that be?" I stared into Rarity's eyes.
"About four hours." She stared back.
As the two of us stared, each one into the other's eyes, a passionate fog—a thick, encloaking mist of romantic tension—swept subtly into the air, severing us twain more and evermore from our better senses.
The moment came to a head, and then burst. Lost in a romantic ecstasy, I threw myself without hesitation onto Rarity's sleek equine body and, I'm ashamed to say, began helping myself to her lusciousness, without even a kiss on the lips beforehoof.
"Well... this is really rather quite gratuitous, isn't it?" suggested Rarity, while my burning passion mounted higher.
I grunted out a non-response. All of my body and all of my soul were concentrated on the single point of contact they had established with the supernatural. The moment was infinite; no, more than that. There was nothing but the moment, nor had there ever been.
In that moment, I was euphoric; for the first time, I knew beyond doubt that there was a God—because I was God..
Sadly, it was not to last. Alas! a sudden rude sound intruded upon my ongoing process of salvation.
It was a panicked rush, a stomping gallop, and it was coming down the stairs of Carousel Boutique. Frozen with the cold lightning of sudden inhibition, I instinctively looked to see what the commotion was.
"Oh my God, dude, what the fuck!"
It was Chad.
"You're... you're.."
My greatest rival, that dumb sexually aggressive meathead, had somehow followed me into Equestria. And now he was committing his greatest offense yet: having been privileged to witness the infinite majesty of my divinely transcendent act of love, he was sacrilegiously retching in the corner.
Rarity was nonplussed. "Oh, there's another one of you? Figures." She turned to me. "Are you almost done back there? I really don't have the time to spare, a very important client's going to be here to pick up an outfit in an hour, then I'm expecting a fresh shipment of supplies which I'll have to unpack, sort, organize and..."
Her words faded into the buzz of the white anger that was crowding out the edges of my vision, blocking everything except the hateful vision of the sexually aggressive bully who had followed me to Heaven just to turn it into Hell.
I swore an oath right then and there, to get my revenge on that dumb Chad by any means necessary.
"Oh God," said Chad, coughing and sputtering, "it's still coming up, oh God, oh God, what the fu-hhuuuuaagghhh hgguck hllloooo caccck kkkkku."
Author's Note
when i see a cutey anime girl i like to dream about being a giant taller than the trees who can sit outside her house in the woods while she frolics around inside and lives a happy life and when any dirty wolves or like vampires come to try and mess with her I will smash them with my giant fists and just be her wall of protection and sit stoically in all weather like I am a super saiyan in terms of emotional control and zen and stoicism. basically i just want to be an infinitely strong man to protect an infinitely delicate anime girl, is that weird????
