The Chain That Binds

by ProtheanBrony

Rating: teen
Tags: Crossover, Human, Twilight Sparkle, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Original Character, Comedy, Adventure
Length: 6715

A Brotherhood of Steel squad is captured by the Enclave and used as test subjects, ponies happen.

Fifteen years after the Lone Wanderer crippled the Enclave and brought clean water to the Capital Wasteland, the Brotherhood continues the war of attrition against the Enclave. Bryan Wilks, brought into the Brotherhood under unfortunate circumstances, joins the assault on the Plantation, a Vault turned Enclave lab. When he and his squad are captured and disposed of by being thrown through a prototype teleporter, he and a few other less/more significant guys end up in Equestria. Hilarity does not necessarily ensue. But it does. Takes place after Equestria Girls but before S4.

AN: This is like, my third not-crackfic story (I mean there's comedy and it's not completely serious but it's not that crazy), so I guess that means release the hounds when it comes to criticism. I write, you feed my ego. Please feed my ego.

A [img]http://fc01.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2012/073/4/e/mojave_express_stamp_by_deathbymodding-d4sshhi.png[/img] story. Come visit. Or don't.

Published 2014-03-25 06:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2014-06-29 06:12:33 UTC

Operation Borealis - Part 1

The first thing Bryan Wilks noticed was the piercing light swinging lazily above his head. The second thing he noticed was the presence of another person in his peripheral vision, but he was unable to turn his head. He then tried to sit up, but failed; his movements were countered by leather straps around his wrists, ankles, chest, and forehead. The person, who seemed to have noticed his struggling, stepped closer. The badge on their breast came into focus; an E encircled by five-point stars. Enclave.

"Well, you're finally awake. Welcome, Mr....?" They said.

Bryan, still squinting into the light, spat, "Who the fuck are you?"

"Mr. Who-the-fuck-are-you, I am Lieutenant Carl Stroud. You may call me Carl. You may be wondering where you are, Who. Do not panic if you feel numbness, suicidal tendencies, or experience short-term memory loss. They are merely side effects of a Mesmerizing. Do you remember how you got here? It's quite a tale, should you not." Carl smugly stated.

"No, I don't remember how I got here. And these fucking straps are chafing me."

"If you stopped writhing," said Carl, "Maybe they wouldn't. Now, allow me to refresh you-"

"I meant I don't know the specifics. I get it, you captured me and all that shit. No need to rub it in." Bryan growled.

"Oh, but it's really quite a tale! Your prototype Mjolnir-class assault walker-"

"My what-class what?"

"Interrupt me again and you will be punished accordingly. Your, ugh, what was it that you scum referred to it as? Yes, 'Liberian Pride', I believe?"

"You mean Liberty Prime?"

"Whatever. Its moniker matters not." Carl glanced at his watch. "It seems we've spent so long in our little spat that your side effects should be in withdrawal. Remind yourself, I shall return eventually to continue."

The muted whir of the Vertibird's rotors outside the hull accompanied half-a-dozen power armor-clad soldiers and a naked guy as they huddled around a holotable. One of the armored soldiers, Sarah Lyons, moved representations of Brotherhood squads and Enclave task forces around a projection of a dilapidated plantation, dubbed creatively as the Plantation. The Plantation was an Enclave science base, the molding manor concealing a massive, gear-shaped door emblazoned with the number 104. The Burkittsvile Vault, one of the few control Vaults, and recently occupied by the Enclave.

"Here's the plan, Pride." Said Sarah, "We let Prime 2.0 get their attention, and once we confirm that most of their forces are engaged with him, we carpet-bomb the patriotism out of them. Then Prime blows the bunker open, and we rope in. Questions?"

The naked guy spoke next. "Sweetie, where is my combat suit? I'd love to storm the bunker in the buff, but I can only afford so many Stimpacks."

"You left it in the wash." Sarah replied. The other soldiers audibly sighed through their suits' speakers. Everyone knew what was coming next.

"Why didn't you tell me that before we left?!"

"Well if you didn't leave me to take care of Kyle while you gallivanted through Maryland-"

"I do not gallivant!"

"Then maybe I would've had time to do the damn laundry."

"God, look, I'll just take the pilot's Recon suit, it's not like he needs it. Hey, Joe, you need clothes to fly this bucket of bolts?!" Naked guy shouted towards the cockpit.

"Well, I mean it's preferable-" The cockpit replied.

"Great, I'll just climb on up there and you can give me your clothes, capiche?" Soon-to-not-be-naked guy twisted open the cockpit retaining door, clambering in despite the protests of the two pilots.

"Alright, now that he's gone, we can get down to business." Sarah said, "Vargas, Kodiak, Wilks, you'll be the pointmen for this op. Try to keep if nonlethal with the scientists and brass, we might have a use for the intel." The two veterans checked that their holstered Mesmetrons were fully charged while Wilks stuffed a bag of cable ties into his armor's carrying pack. "Glade, Dusk, you'll be sweeping up and securing prisoners. Gallows and I will help crush the survivors of the bombing. Everyone, prepare for-"

"Effing ay, I banged my knee on the dashboard and-" The now-clad-in-Joe's-Recon-Armor guy interrupted, reemerging from the cockpit, a faint sobbing behind him. "So, I guess I missed the briefing, what do I do?"

"Well Kenny, since you've blown up half the vaults in the Capital Wasteland-"

"That was one time! And there was like, sixty guys who kept going 'Gary, Gary Gary! Oooooh, Gary! Gaaaaaaary!' and I found this Fatman shotgun hybrid thing and I wanted to test it-"

"I was going to say that since you knew the layout of Vaults in general so well, considering you were raised in one, you could... sneak, or shoot, or whatever you do that's so effective off to the Overseer's office, and rearm and reprogram the defenses to target Enclave grunts. Also, some logs would be nice. And if you unlock the armory, you can keep whatever you find in it."

"Free guns? Sweet. When do we jump?"

"As soon as Liberty Prime-"

"I'm jumping now, seeyoulater." Kenny, or Recon Armor Guy, shouted as he wrenched the Vertibird's hatch open and flung himself out.

"How is he not dead yet?" Vargas said, in a near-murmur.

"Why did I tell him my name?" Irving Gallows said in a similar tone.

"Heh. Irving." Dusk chuckled.

All the while, Bryan Wilks rested his face in his palm as he tried to comprehend what exactly had happened in the briefing for his first mission as part of the Lyon's Pride.

Bryan's remembering was interrupted by Carl returning.

"Great story, yes?" The Enclave interrogator said.

"I haven't gotten past briefing. Do you know how crazy it can get in there? Pent up testosterone, or some shit."

"Oh, sorry. Let me speed things up for you, then. According to security cam footage, you and two other grubs waltzed through the Plantation, attacking our civilian scientists and eliminating their meager guard, and right into our trap for you in the common room. And now we have you."

"What exactly do you need us for? You have better technology than us, and I bet my AER-9 you know more about the inner workings of the Brotherhood than I do."

"Science, of course. I'm just letting you know that your assault failed spectacularly and rescue will never come for you in time."

"It's not like there's anywhere you can take me, I think I can wait the week before they come back."

"Well, Who-the-fuck, my boy, you'll be gone from this world within the hour?"

"Wait, what? You're going to kill me? One, I'm like 20, and two, you just said you wouldn't!"

"I'm a man of my word, and you literally will not be in this world any longer. Well, if the teleporter doesn't work. If it does, which I assure you there is a minuscule chance of that happening, you'll just be fine. Or have your insides outside. Or your ass on backwards. Otherwise, you'll end up somewhere, alternate reality, hell, I could care less. It's like a paper shredder, but for maggots like you. Well, off we go," He said as his wristwatch beeped an alarm, notifying him of some kind of event. "Off to meet the wizard. Er, teleporter."

The teleporter was a dilapidated looking thing; no stark white metal or any aesthetics, but a rusted, industrial arch with caution tape looped around it. Bryan stood with his wrists and ankles bound, strapped to a cart like the other subjects in the room, who he recognized as Vargas, Dusk, and Kodiak. At least Glade and Kenny had escaped, and most likely told the Brotherhood of their predicament, for all it mattered.

With no pomp or circumstance, one of Carl's lackeys, a shaking young man in a too-large Enclave uniform, probably a 'recruit' from the Vault, tore the ribbon from the arch and pressed a few buttons hidden by them. The arch whirred in activation, but didn't produce any visual cues. Vargas was wheeled into it first; he vanished bit by bit, the disappearing into thin air instead of appearing on the other side of the arch. Next, a lackey wheeled Kodiak towards it. Suddenly, Kodiak's cart jerked and overturned, his raw strength enabling him to break his restraints. Carl produced a plasma pistol and brought it to bear on Kodiak, but the beast of a man was on him in an instant, a sharp headbutt incapacitating the officer. One lackey darted off down the hall, sounding an alarm on their way. The other, the shaking man who activated the arch, spoke.

"Can I... can I come with you?" He said.

"What do you mean, come with us? We're not going anywhere yet." Kodiak said as he undid Dusk's restraints, and then Bryan's. They each shook out the kinks, and scavenged equipment from the lockers and cabinets in the room.

"Hey meatbags, our gear's in here." Dusk said, cradling her recovered sniper rifle. Bryan and Kodiak moved to retrieve their items and suit up.

"Hey, where's my armor?" Bryan asked.

"I dunno, but we don't have any time to look for it. Just take the Enclave fuck's clothes, and go through the portal-thing. It's our only way out." Dusk replied.

"Er, so, can I? Through the portal, wherever it goes? They'll kill me if they find me here." The man said nervously.

"No-can-do, you Enclave fuck. In fact, I think I'll kill you here." Dusk aimed her rifle, and flipped her hair as Bryan stepped in front of her and pushed her rifle down.

"I know his look, and judging from circumstance the Enclave forced him to join up. Most likely because he's the best... something, that they've got here. He could help us, wherever we end up." Bryan metaphorically shot at her.

"Okaythanky-" The man said as he dashed through the portal before Dusk could reply.

"Don't ever do that again. Or I will tear off your left nut, Wilks."

"I love you too, Dusk."

And with that, the three soldiers ventured to where no man had possibly gone before. Or their certain doom.

In Ponyville, the biweekly farmer's market bustled with ponies of every kind as friends and lovers sampled produce and stocked up on foodstuffs. One group in particular loitered nearby the Hyphaemporium, where Old Gill sold his various fungi.

"Pinkie, why do you need so many mushrooms?" A purple Alicorn said, as she levitated a bulging sack with ease.

"I think there might be a stolen metaphor coming up soon that the author really liked, so I'm getting ready!" Pinkie said with her usual enthusiasm.

"I, uh, nevermind. So, how was everypony's weekend? I wish I could've been here to experience whatever great things you all did while I worked with Celestia, but..."

"Well, I went and bucked some apples. Though, some of 'em are dying already. Can't put my hoof on why, but it's only one in every few dozen or so, and I'm more productive buckin' instead of thinkin' too deeply in all that 'n such." The orange Earth Pony, Applejack replied.

"Oh, I stayed home and cared for my animals. Polly was being very feisty a few days ago, and I wanted to make sure she didn't do anything she'd regret." The yellow Pegasus said, a rabbit peeking from her saddlebag.

The cyan Pegasus mare who floated lazily above them on a butt spoke next, "Oh, nothing special, just saw the most awesome Pegasi around, the Wonderbolts, at the Derby!"

"Oh, that's great, Rainbow Dash! I bet Cadance would've loved to see some stunts, but we didn't really get to do anything." Twilight responded.

"Really? Did Tenderhoof go too rough on you? I know he's a bit stronger than other masseuses in Canterlot, but I just like them that way." The only unicorn in the group said, concerned.

"I wish we had been able to make it to the appointment, but a diplomatic emergency came up and Celestia was busy with a really bad day in court and Luna's visiting the Seaponies, so we had to go." Twilight said dejectedly. "But on the bright side, we got to eat at a Buffalonian banquet! I don't know anypony else who's done that! Well, except for Cadance. And the other ambassadors there. And probably any other ambassadorstothebuffalobutImeanIreallydidn'tmeanjustushadbeenthereand-"

"Breathe, darling." Rarity said, a hoof in Twilights mouth.

"Away. Butt." Twilight muttered, very muffled. (Stick a hand in your mouth and say 'I can't' if you don't get understand.)

"Ooh! Sorry." Rarity, mildly embarrassed, retracted the offending limb.

"That's better. Now, let's all go ~~get hammered~~ to the spa, from what I've heard it sounds like we could all use some plain relaxation, no evil gods to defeat or anything." Twilight said.

"I agree." Rarity said.

"Mmm-hmm!" Mmm-hmmed Pinkie Pie.

"Sounds good to me! I mean, like not bad, but not great." Rainbow Dash said, her astounding social dexterity ever-awing her friends.

Kodiak, Vargas, Dusk, Wilks, and the Enclave Recruit, now known to them as Eric Harris, huddled around a fire in a small clearing of forest.

"For daytime, wherever we are, the ominous breeze sure makes it cold." Harris stated.

Dusk, still hostile over the day's earlier events, spat out, "Thank you, Private State-the-fucking-obvious."

"Maybe you don't want to know where we are, then."

"Wait, this entire time, you've known where we are?" Dusk shouted at him.

"Well, I'm not telling you." Harris said, chin up to avoid Dusk's infamous glare.

"Tell me or I will eat your testicles."

"She's entirely serious, just tell her. Please. For all of our sakes." Vargas interjected.

"Fine. We heard over the emergency broadcasts from other vaults that the outside world was dangerous and hostile, so our overseer put us to work trying to find... other worlds, simply put. We were helped along by what we assume was alien technology in the form of what seemed to be a teleporter in a crashed UFO. The first guy who touched it just... disappeared. We took it back, and after we lost a few more scientists, we shut it down and reverse engineered it to be safer. A little bit. Give it a hundred more years, and viola, intergalactic or dimensional gate."

"Do I look like a fun guy?" Kodiak said, standing to his full height of nearly seven feet.

"What do you want to hear?" Harris stammered.

"Then why the fuck are you keeping me in the dark and feeding me bullshi-"

"SURPRISE!" A pink... thing shouted, as it burst out of their fire, scattering burning logs and what appeared to be mushrooms across the clearing.

"Mutie! Kill it!" Kodiak shouted.

"You have the Gatling Laser, shoot!" Harris responded with an equally jostled mindset.

"What the shit is that?!" Bryan yelped, jumping out of the way of a butt of embers.

"It's jammed, it's not working!" Kodiak screamed.

"Oh god I don't wanna dieeeeee!" Harris shrieked.

"Hi, my name's Pinkie Pie and-"

"BURN IN HELL MUTANT!" Dusk charged at it with her rifle clutched by the barrel, and swung directly at its head. It ducked out of the way with inhuman speed, and reappeared out of a bush at the edge of the clearing.

"I love hoofball! Strike one!" Pinkie shouted, when suddenly she dropped to the forest floor, a blue arcs of electricity playing throughout her fur. Vargas twirled the Mesmetron around his finger, and blew away the non-existent smoke.

Pinkie Pie had just disappeared through a cupboard, and had yet to return, unlike normal. Normally, she'd randomly stick her head in something, yell, and come right back out, but this time, she'd fallen all the way in, the door closing behind her, and wasn't there when Twilight opened it back up.

Twilight grew concerned, "Uh, girls, I really think Pinkie might be in trouble this time."

"Don't 'chu worry Twi, she does this all the time." Applejack said.

"I know, but... she's been gone a while. And she'd never skimp on a spa date, unless..."

"She must be planning a surprise party!" Rainbow jumped with glee, splattering water across the floor of the spa, and earning a few dirty looks from other spa-goers. "Well, you ruined the surprise with all your thinking, but, party! All right!"

Author's Note

I think I'm gonna end it here. I might update in a few days, I might update in a few months. No idea of when. Just please bear with me, if you want. Or complain and downvote it. Please take the time to upvote it if you favorite because you like it. That is all.

Operation Borealis - Part 2

Author's Note

So, I'm having some technical errors, if you see the word 'butt' out of context, it's really to replace the word C LOUD. I can't type the word clou d without it turning into butt.

Operation Borealis - Part 2

Ten minutes later.

"I've never seen a mutie like that before. Maybe an experiment the Enclave sent through the portal?" Vargas said as he cleaned the disassembled AER-9 before him. The group had taken a tally on their equipment and supplies, and found they were drastically short on provisions. Aside from the T45d on Kodiak and Dusk's backs, they had no armor, and only three microfusion cells for Bryan and Vargas' Laser Rifles. Kodiak's Gatling Laser was entirely inoperable, due to damage sustained from being shoved in a locker. Harris, who sat away from the group, particularly because of Dusk, searched through the FM frequencies to see if they still got Galaxy News Radio wherever they were. Static and the crackle of the dying fire provided white noise for the Lyons' Pride-minus-three-plus-one.

"I dunno, it could talk, and it brought us food. Maybe we should try to speak with it when it wakes up?" Bryan popped one of the mushrooms they'd miraculously found scattered on the forest floor into his mouth.

"I'm not against it, but I'm not risking it until we can restrain it. And we have no restraints." Vargas continued his maintenance as the group made what essentially amounted to idle talk.

"What about my armor? With the reactor powered down, I can barely move in it. And that mutie looks weak. No offense to ya'." Kodiak prodded the unconscious pony with his foot. Slowly, its eyes peeled open, taking in its surroundings. It squeaked once more;

"None taken!" And promptly collapsed back into the cold embrace of artificially-induced slumber.

"Girls, Pinkie really should be back by now. It's been..." Twilight raised her hoof and glanced at it, "Nearly ten minutes. She never takes this long!"

"'Guess it'll be one heckuva party, am I right?" Rainbow Dash said.

Applejack frowned, "Rainbow, ain'tcha just a tad concerned for Pinkie? She has been gone a while."

"Pinkie can handle herself. Wherever she's disappeared to, I'm sure she's fine. It's not as if some cabinet monster abducted her or something." Rarity said, as she rolled her eyes.

"Cabinet monster... oh no! Pinkie must have been abducted by a cabinet monster! Sorry to cut this day short girls, but I've got to get the the library!" And with a purple flash, Twilight disappeared.

Rarity sighed. "And here we go again. I'm heading to the Boutique for some tea. Spike, would you be a dear and help carry my bags?"

Bryan and the gang huddled around a tree stump at the edge of the clearing, unconscious mutant stuck to an unusually sappy tree. Vargas began the briefing.

"Alright, here's what we've got food-wise. Both of the suits of armor can reconstitute liquid waste-"

"I-I-I'm not drinking Dusk's piss. For all I know, she poisoned it." Harris stammered, cowering. As usual.

"How would I poison my urine?" She said, face scrunched in part anger, part confusion.

Harris blurted out, "Well you would-" Vargas cut him off with a very raised voice.

"AND WE HAVE THREE MREs SO WE'LL BE OUT OF FOOD IN ABOUT A DAY. DUSK AND WILKS ON SCAV DUTY. DISMISSED. Please." He was nearly in tears by the end.

Dusk and Bryan prowled through the dense, dark forest. It was humid enough to be indistinguishable from a jungle, and the fauna didn't help. Nearly everything they'd found was hostile or looked too phallic to consume with any dignity. The smidgen of hope they'd found upon finding what seemed to be an apple was crushed when a swarm of spiders exploded out of it. Spider with wings. They definitely weren't on Earth. Even post-apocalyptic God wouldn't be that cruel.

"We should split up." Dusk said.

"Okay."

"Did... did you really just agree to split up in a dark jungle full of hostile creatures? That was kind of a formality. We're not splitting up."

"Okay. Bitch. Hey, bi- er Dusk, what the hell is this?" Bryan prodded a bright yellow box that lay on the floor.

"No idea. You should pick it up." And so, Bryan picked it up. "Holy shit Bryan! Don't just pick up random crap on the floor. It could be a trap, or explosives, or-"

"Filly Scout Cookies."

"Huh?"

"That's what the box says. Filly Scout Cookies. And it's full! Floor cookies, yum. Well, it's not like we have a choice." He ripped the top open, and plucked one out. The cookies were plain, golden-brown affairs with slightly-burnt edges and soft centers. They were extremely stale and approximately three years past expiration. They were the best thing Bryan had eaten since giant fire-breathing ants had killed his family. And he could see another box lying ahead in the forest. "Dusk, I think we've hit the motherlode! Follow me. And eat a cookie. They're orgasmic." Bryan moaned out in-between cookies.

They continued down the trail, following random boxes of Filly Scout Cookies, until they came upon a dead end. A cave. With a wooden door. That meant inhabitants. Smart ones. Possibly the same kind of mutie that had ambushed their camp. Dusk smirked, and cocked her rifle. Bryan, AER-9 in one hand, and cookie on the other, kicked the door open. Inside, huddled around a dimly lit table, was a swath of the same mutants as earlier sporting different colors.

"For the Brotherhood!"

"Suppressing fire!"

"PEW PEW PEW PEW!" Every single mutie was dead, caught by surprise. Behind the chaos and debris, another light came on, revealing another mutant, this time clapping its... wrist stumps, slowly.

"Well well well, it seems we have some intruders. I am Canterbury, leader of the Solar Alliance. We seek to depose the demon Nightmare Moon from pow-"

"PEW PEW PEW!" Said Bryan's Laser Rifle, as Canterbury dissolved into a butt of ash.

"Alright, Dusk, go search through the cave, I'll scavenge the bodies." Bryan ordered, as he chewed on another cookie. He quickly checked through the bodies, realizing that he couldn't really retrieve anything from the piles of ash that were left of the mutants, and sat down on a stool left from the mutant base. He reminisced. About things he had no right reminiscing about, since he wasn't there for them, but hey, it tells the backstory.

"O'ER THE YONDER AWAITS THY FOE, MOVE FORTH AND CONQUER THY ENCLAVE SCUM. DOETH SO FOR THY CAUSE OF LIBERTY, FOR THOU SHALT GIVETH ME LIBERTYETH ORETH GIVETH METH DEATHETH." Liberty Prime 2.0 bellowed, a collective groan sounding from the Brotherhood soldiers fighting alongside him.

"What's wrong with Prime!?"

"Is that supposed to be... poetry?."

"Hey Prime, your poetry sucks dick!" The Enclave soldier who shouted this received an eye-laser blast to the face, and was vaporized near-instantly.

The gargantuan front yard of the Plantation housed many a dividing wall or gazebo, leading to lots of very flimsy cover for lots of not-that-well-equipped Brotherhood troops. Enclave Plasma Caster nests in the ruins of the mansion or foxholes in the yard mowed down squad after squad, bursts of caustic green melding armor to flesh. Liberty Prime, who was supposed to be leading the charge, had been standing useless behind the battlefield spouting anti-Enclave poetry.

The soldiers' saving grace came in the form of the Vertibird of the Lyons' Pride, belly open and belching Mini Nukes towards the Enclave positions. With the bombs went the Lone Wanderer, Kenneth Chambers, who smashed through the roof of the mansion, and broke the metaphorical camel's back. First went the roof, as it collapsed inwards on itself. The extra weight of the no-longer-supported rooftop the brought down the next floor, and next, until all the remained of the mansion was a pile of rubble. Kenny crawled out of the wreckage, half a dozen Stimpacks protruding from his chest.

"Who knew the Enclave stored their medical supplies in the attic?" He said, as his voice bled with a veritable tsunami of sarcasm, and yanked their needles out with nary a care.

"Uh, we did, sir. Our recon teams told us. That is why you jumped out of a moving Vertibird into the mansion, right? Because you knew there would be Stimpacks to heal you as it collapsed? Right?" The soldier who asked these questions was new. Very new. Most everyone knew that Kenny 'Loggins' Chambers was nigh-immortal, and possessed the luck of a mutant Irishman whose mutations caused excess luck.

"Actually, I dropped a bottlecap. I think." Behind him, the Pride's Vertibird hovered over the new hole in the ground they'd created, which lead directly into Vault 104. Power Armored soldiers fast-roped/fell out of the VTOL, and it then descended to land in the midst of the surviving Brotherhood soldiers in the front yard.

Sergeant Skywatch of the Royal Guard lay in wait, a full twelve-pony squad with her. They'd just arrived at their destination, a terrorist base in the Everfree Forest, home to the self-proclaimed Solar Alliance, unfortunate misguided ponies who were manipulated in their fear of Princess Luna into joining a cult. Their leader, known only as Canterbury, had a track record in these kinds of things, and whenever he was found he used his current cult as a meatshield to escape. But this time, they had him cornered. They'd tracked him to make sure he was at the base and they'd found the two escape routes he'd built into the caves, with a battlemage stationed outside each of them.

In a harsh whisper, Skywatch began her pep-talkspeech, "Alright you sorry bags of blubber, here's the deal. This guy has been getting mostly innocent but really misguided ponies killed for nearly four years. Today, we have him cornered. We're going to charge in there, and take'm by surpri-"

"And then I said 'Now I know what a TV dinner feels like,' and then he- what the shit? Does that one have wings?" A pair of bipeds waltzed out the door, which on second inspection was already splintered from being bucked in. One of the bipeds, who carried a box of Filly Scout Cookies, raised some kind of steel rectangle towards them and backpedaled into the cave while bright red lasers flew from the tip of the rectangle. The other biped, which was clad entirely in some sort of suit of armor, charged towards Skywatch, the only visible Guard member, a similar contraption in its steel claws. It raised it towards the Sergeant, and, with the ponies now knowing what to expect from the device, immediately charged out of the forest at the beast. The two Unicorn artillery-ponies pinned her in place with a joint stasis spell as the four Pegasi and Skywatch flew in circles, forming a tornado out of the loose branches and grime coating the forest floor. The remaining Guards, all Earth Ponies, simply charged and started bucking, to no avail. Whatever that armor was resisted their strongest attacks in near-entirety, and a slight dent and a hoof-full of pockmarks that may have been there before were all that marked their combined efforts.

The Sergeant barked a chain of commands, and the mages released the beast from their grip and shoved it back with all their might, the Earth Ponies scattering to avoid the bombardment. The creature flew halfway back to the cave entrance where it slid across the ground for a few more meters. From within the cave, more lasers flew out, this time more accurate, and took out one of the circling Pegasi, his armor melting into his fur. With the loss of one of the supporting weather-controllers, the small tornado quickly grew out of control and spiraled into a tree, where it dissolved and flung two more Pegasi into the tree with it, a dull clang marking their incapacitation.

"Dusk, you good?" Said the beast in the cave, as the other struggled to its feet under the magic bombardment from the Unicorns.

"No, I'm not! They can't get through the armor, but I can feel the heat through it! Pick one of them off for me, will ya'?"

"Anything for you, honey!" A flurry of lasers once again flew out of the cave, which clipped one of the spellcasters and gave Dusk the chance to disappear into the trees.

"We'll meet up back at camp, don't die!" Dusk's rifle barked out alongside her shouts, and two of the scattered Earth Pony guards fell, gaping wounds in their unarmored necks.

"Duly noted!" Not wanting to be outdone, the thing in the cave loosed even more lasers, incinerating one unicorn and sending the last Pegasus crashing into the Sergeant.

"Royal Guard, fall back! We're not prepared for this!" The surviving Unicorn fired inaccurate blasts at the cave as she backpedaled away, as the Earth Ponies grabbed the wounded and intact dead.

Once the survivors had reunited with the two lone battlemages at the exits, the three live Unicorns prepared healing charms and pain-relief spells for those unfortunate enough to survive a hit by the laser. Both of the fallen Earth Ponies were dead by the time the Unicorns got to them, and one of the Pegasi that had hit the tree had broken her neck and died near-instantly. The one whose armor was melted to their flesh merely groaned in pain on a makeshift stretcher. The Pegasus that had hit Skywatch was missing half his head, and Skywatch herself had broken a wing in the fall.

"Wallflower, prep a letter." She said to a battlemage, "We need to report to Princess Celestia about those... things. And from what I heard, there's more of them. Take note."

Like an hour or something later.

Back at the Humans' camp, Harris and Bryan idly chatted over the Filly Scout Cookies, while Vargas, Kodiak, and Dusk played a primitive game of Texas Hold'em, utilizing different kinds of leaves with scavenged weapons from the cave as betting material.

"You say that had... invisible laser rifles?" Harris asked.

"Yeah, there was two of 'em with horns that just shot stuff right out of them. Seems like they're multitools, too, they were able to pin Dusk in place and then throw her a good ten feet." Bryan replied, munching on cookie number twenty-something.

"Uh huh." Harris fiddled with his Pip-Boy some more, still trolling the radio waves, when he came upon an actual station. "Ah hah! Let's see what we've got here... isolate the signal, enhance, and... yeah! Everyone, listen up, I've got something!"

"...and rumors of a new gang based in the Everfree Forest near Ponyville have sprung up. We've heard about this from Guard members to Hoofball moms, is this just another boogeymare fad or something far more sinister in the peaceful heart of Equestria?"

Bryan sighed. And shook his head. And sighed a few more times for good measure. "What...? Anyone heard of Equestria? Or Ponyville? Or Hoofball? And come to think of it, what the hell are Filly Scout Cookies?"

Operation Alcatraz

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Operation Embassy

"A team-building exercise, seriously? They want us to go on a team-building exercise?" Bryan whined in disbelief.

"It's the least we can do for them, we'll need all the favor we can get if we want a chance at returning to the Brotherhood." Vargas said, adjusting the short, slightly blunt sword at his waist.

Dusk snorted, "What would they know about Enclave teleportation tech?"

"Nothing at all, but they have another way back." Vargas replied.

"Which is...?" Bryan said.

"Equestrian teleporting magic."

Bryan blew a short burst of air at the hair hanging over his forehead, "That's total bullshit by the way, I called it now. When we're exotic sex slaves in some dungeon for the big white one, don't say I didn't tell you so."

"It's our only chance. Show some respect, they might be monitoring us."

"Oh shit, they're onto us!"

"Abort! Abort!"

"Girls, that's enough. Just because 'Pinkie is as Pinkie does' doesn't mean that we're abandoning her to wherever she ended up! She's been gone for a day! No note! No goodbye party! And no warning! Actually, the last one is fairly typical of her... Anyways, not the two out of three I was hoping for." Twilight Sparkle hefted her slightly worn saddlebags with her magic as a variety of items flowed into them, ranging from sunblock to erotic fantasy novels.

Applejack bit her lip, the brim of her hat slightly lowered as she attempted to kill a rock with her newfound heat-vision, "Look, Twi, I'd love to go adventurin' and all, but I really gotta get back to work. We've been off saving the world for so long, that the farm's literally falling apart at the seams. Really, we had to sew the leaves back onto the trees."

"And I haven't actually done my job in months! I'm pretty sure I'm fired by now, actually. No harm done, then. Let's go, Twi! With me, you won't even need the rest of these girls." Rainbow snorted at her joke, which was met by poorly hidden universal disdain throughout the group.

Rarity responded, "Well then, if that's the case than I'll be heading back to the boutique if you need me. I have a very large order to fill." She turned and began to trot out of the library, only for Rainbow to catch her tail with her teeth.

"Nrough! Yerr shtaying hright here!" Rainbow grunted as she and Rarity played tug-of-war with her tail.

Fluttershy interjected, in her own way that barely qualified as interjecting, "Girls, uh, if you're done fighting and all, I think we should all go. I'm really worried for Pinkie, and I'm sure you all are too. Can't your farm wait one more day Applejack? Rarity, surely you wouldn't lose your client if you postponed by one day. I think." Applejack scrunched her brow in a brief moment of consideration, and broke off her staring contest.

"Fluttershy's right, ya'll. Pinkie is an Element, and most importantly, our friend. If she were lookin' for one a ya'll, she'd be out the door in a jiffy."

"Alright, it's settled then. We split up and search the normal spots, three groups of two- oh, wait, Pinkie's not here. Okay, two groups of two and I'll go alone. AJ, Fluttershy, head to Zecora's. See if she's seen hide or tail of Pinkie. Rainbow, Rarity, comb the Whitetail Woods. I'll send a letter to the Princess, and check the Old Castle."

"Twilight dear, are you sure you'll be fine that deep in the Everfree? Alone?"

"Don't worry Rarity, I'll stick with Fluttershy and Applejack until Zecora's. That's almost halfway already. Then it's just a hop, skip, and jump to the Castle. What could possibly-" A series of knocks at the door interrupted Twilight's near-suicidal comment. "Oh, sorry, we're closed right now!"

"It is of utmost importance that you let me in, this idiot primate is in critical condition."

"So it blew up your door, then ran into the embers and knocked itself out?" Twilight said as she sipped at her tea.

"Mostly correct, Alicorn. Its actions have caused drawn to it very much scorn." Rhymed Zecora, who spat on it after she finished. Twilight stood and crossed to a bookshelf, where she pulled out an unmarked spine, causing a section of the shelf to retreat, revealing a massive double-sided lavender dil-

"Woops, wrong door, just a sec girls!" Twilight hastily shoved the spine back in, and pulled the spine next to it. Within, a book proudly displayed its title: "Humans, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Thumb."

Twilight lowered the book into a small pack, and floated it to Zecora, "Don't show this to anypony, just head back to your house. I'll take care of the Human. By the way, have you seen Pinkie?"

She crept along the canopy of the Everfree, drawing ever closer to her prey. The small pack of creatures scurried along the forest floor, while calls of 'Pinkie Pie? We're here to rescue you!' and 'Get out here so I can go back to sleep!' emanated from her quarry. As they entered a clearing, they paused. The trap was sprung. She descended, the night-vision goggles straddling the bridge of her nose casting a faint rosy pink hue before her.

Below, the quartet of Brotherhood and Night Guards begrudgingly cooperated in their goal to track down the rogue Element of Laughter. Their brisk search of the Everfree had proved fruitless so far, as they were unable to stay still for long in fear of attracting Manticores, or worse. While their fight-or-I'm-getting-the-hell-outta-here instincts prodded them to do otherwise, they paused when they reached the clearing they had last spotted Pinkie in.

"I swear on the Lyons' Pride's pride, she was right here." Wilks said as he gestured towards the tree.

"I don't really care where she was, I want to know where she is." The lucky pony who'd been pulled off the shit list (Which, in Equestria, was an actual list of who would remove the feces of their comrades from the pot.) to accompany the mass-murdering psychopaths in power armor was appropriately named Doesn't-have-time For-your-shit, whose name had inspired a running pot at the barracks over whether his parents were clairvoyant or assholes.

Wilks sighed, "Look, it's not like we have magical displays in our eyeballs with magic radar that tracks everyone. Well, the Lone Wanderer does but that's a story for a-"

"I don't have time for this shmmmm-" Doesn't was cut off as Vargas, who had up to that point remained silent, hooked an arm around his neck and pressed a gloved hand over his mouth.

"Don't look back, it's right behind ushmmmm-"

Wilks mimicked Vargas' maneuver on the man himself as he whispered, "Quiet, it's right behind ushmmmm-"

Doesn't's partner, The Other Guy, a.k.a Theo, stuffed a hoof in Wilks' mouth. "Am I doing it right guyshmmmmm-"

"I FOUND YOushmmmmm-" The pink specter shouted as she inserted her own foot into her maw.

Twilight trotted along the path, horn illuminated to grant her sight in the restrictive darkness cast by the canopy. Even the most primal of creatures knew of the Alicorns, of their power, and thusly she was granted a wide berth. As she neared the castle, she overheard... something. Something that was loud, squeaky, and somehow sounded pink. It was either Pinkie Pie or a Hydra's chewtoy. She broke from the path and proceeded towards the sound. She was nearly blind in the thick underbrush even with her magic, and figuratively walked into the five self-held hostages.

In the front of the conga line of interdimensional diplomatic nightmares was a guardspony she recognized as DG, who appeared to be in some form of chokehold by a human in some sort of uniform. The aforementioned human was held in a similar hold by another human, clad in the same outfit. Within the human's mouth was the hoof of another guard, who was suspended from the treetops by the grip of a black-clad interloper whose own foot rested in its mouth.

She cocked her head to the side, scrunched her eyebrows, and gave a sigh that rivaled those of Celestia after putting up with Blueblood's antics. Since the five had essentially formed an interspecies knot, she lifted them in her magical grip and teleported straight back to the library.

Breaking her silence, she shouted, "Spike! Tea! Earl Grey! NOW!"