I haven’t been okay for a while.
I was never okay.
“Are ya okay there Twi? Ya seem a tad bit down in ta dumps.” Applejack had asked once.
‘Yeah. Why wouldn’t I be?” I said, faking a smile.
Why would I be?
I am the replacement, the shadow, the unpopular, the hated.
I wanted someone to love me, to tell me it’s alright. I want someone to say “you’re not okay,” when I said I was. I just want a hug, a simple gesture. I wanted someone to open up to, someone who understands me and my feelings. A pony I can talk to about my bitterness, my sorrow, my depression.
The hurt that had built up since I was young and bullied. The hurt that came back when Discord retuned. No, it wasn’t my friends’ fault. It wasn’t their fault that Discord corrupted them, turning into their complete opposite sides: cruel, selfish, ignorant, dishonest ponies. However, who says their words can’t leave scars on one’s heart?
Or the sadness when my friends left and rejected me during the Canterlot Wedding. My mentor, my brother, my best friends. Deep inside, I couldn’t blame them; “Cadance” had fooled everypony.
The words Princess Celestia, Shining Armor and my friends said during the episode only deepened the wounds, the wounds that will never heal…
Then again, I was scared; scared that they might think differently of me. I wanted to be comforted, but why am I pushing my friend’s doubts away when they rise up?
Depression is such a funny thing.
You feel like you’re losing a battle you can easily win, or drowning in a sea of despair, never being able to surface.
Yes, swimming seems easy, but how do you swim with the weight of water dragging you down?
It hurts. Physically, mentally, emotionally, the unexplainable heartache that you feel.
Even if you reach for help, how many ponies will actually know you’re serious? Who will understand the bottled-up pain and angst?
Nopony.
I could still remember a day when I was a filly.
“Cady, what’s depression?” I had asked, snuggling next to her in the cosy living room, reading my book.
My foalsitter’s expression turned serious. “Well, it’s a serious subject, Twiley. Let’s just say… it affects the way you think on life. Ponies might get extremely upset and pessimistic for a long period if time. Some… never recover…”
Why would anypony get ‘depression’? Life is wonderful! I had thought.
I found out what she meant a few years later. I thought it was just a slight feeling of sadness, but soon it got out of control.
“Hah it’s that nerd again!”
“She’s so fat, stuffing her muzzle in those dusty books for her lifetime. What is she, a pig?”
“No, she’s a worm!”
“She isn’t anything! She’s a nopony!” they had laughed.
I had felt that sour, painful feeling you get before you cry, but unsurprisingly, nopony had noticed my tears. I thought it was only temporary, but I was wrong. That feeling deepened into hatred and fear. Hatred for my tormentors. Fear for myself. I never dared to speak out or tell anypony my feelings. I didn’t have a lot of friends at the time. Besides, I didn’t want Mom, Dad, Shining Armor and Cadance to concern about me, or blame themselves for not protecting me enough. I didn’t want to weigh anypony down.
“Are you okay?” Cadance had asked, voice tinged with concern, wrapping her beautiful purple-tinged wing around me. “You haven’t talked a lot these days, and you’re not eating any of my daisy sandwiches I packed for you. I thought you loved them, Twiley!”
“Yeah. I’m okay, Cadance, J-Just a little sick I think.” I had mumbled in reply, eyes stinging with tears. I wasn’t hungry those days. Maybe because of the bullies. I turned away so she couldn’t see the tears threatening to spill from my eyes.
I was grateful somepony actually asked. At least somepony could notice the signs. At least somepony actually cares for me.
“Oh, you poor dear. Would you like a little hot chocolate with extra marshmallows? It would just be for you, my little Twiley.” she said softly, nuzzling me.
“Yes. Thank you!” I beamed, hugging the best foalsitter ever.
I had never forgotten that day. I was heartbroken to see my caring and loving foalsitter turn into a cruel and malicious “prissy princess” when Chrysalis imposed as her.
Do my friends actually care for me? After all, you’re worthless, ugly, fat, useless and stupid. You’re just a ‘princess of friendship’ who didn’t consider making friends in the first place! And your magical abilities? Hah! Even your student Starlight Glimmer’s magical abilities are greater than yours! Even Spike managed to save the Crystal Empire. Twice. And what did you ever do? Turn Princess Luna back into herself? Any magical unicorn could do that. Even Sunset Shimmer. In fact, she was the original prized pupil of Celestia! You wouldn’t have become a little princess of friendship if Sunset didn’t leave Celestia to sought her own path.
You are just a replacement, little one. Nothing ever more.
A solitary tear slid down my cheek, splattering on the floor, and I sat on my hunches, trembling and shivering as guilt, sorrow and melancholy all crashed on me, crushing me with the weight.
I wanted to end this, I wanted it all to stop.
Or maybe all I wanted was somepony with me, wiping away my tears in the cold and bitter winter night.
But who will ever be there? Applejack is probably eating dinner and enjoying scrumptious apple pie with her family. Rainbow Dash was staying with Fluttershy for the night, Pinkie Pie was away to visit her family at the rock farm, and Spike was helping Rarity with her new line of Hearth Warming’s inspired chic clothing. And me? Well, I was all alone.
My name is Twilight Sparkle. And it was a long time since I was ever okay.
