Twilight Sparkle Browses /mlp/
As Twilight turned on her 1972 computer monitor, she twiddles her hooves impatiently.
"This is it." She thought. "This is where it all comes to an end. All the bigotry that has been splitting our country apart will vanquish under the might of my political correctness."
Maniacal laughter could be heard from outside her castle, the walls starting to crack slightly, under the weight of the massive radio tower she constructed on her roof.
"Alright, internet. Show me what you got!"
She took a sip of her coffee. It was milk free of course. She wouldn't want to offend any cows or anything.
"I've got everything I require. All I need to do now is turn on my trigger warning alarm."
An audible buzz sounded throughout the dark room. She was ready. More ready than she will ever be.
"Hmmm..." she rubbed her chin, one of them anyway. "Which board should I go on?" She clicked the pony button. It was right under the LGBT button, so it has to be good. Her screen was immediately filled with files and files of gory foalcon, but thankfully, her triggerbot automatically filtered them out.
"Ahh, here's a good post!" she says as she sees a picture of a human snuggling a fluffy Rainbow Dash. "It's pro-interracial relationships. Maybe this website isn't so bad after all." She reads it aloud. "There is nothing more pure than the love between a man and a mare." Her smile turned into a shocked expression as she realized the implications of this post. She gasped so hard the door broke off it's hinges as the suction of air in the room forced it inwards.
"Are you implying that a relationship between a man and a stallion, or a woman and a mare are not as pure?!?!?! I WILL DESTROY YOU!!!" Her eyes turned into Nightmare Moon eyes, or whatever people call them and she threw a punch into her computer screen, but because the screen had 4 centimeters of glass, she just broke her wrist.
"Ow, the computer just abused me! My PTSD!" She slumped down on the floor, shedding tears of patriarchy as she silently wrote a sexual violence report to incarcerate her computer.
ATTEMPT TWO
"All right. This time, I will complete my mission." She stared at the screen of her new computer, completely forgetting what her mission was. The other computer is currently serving 25 years.
She saw a picture of EQG Twilight holding a balloon with a mathematical equation on it. She squealed in delight. "Yay, math! I always love math, unless it's supporting a statistical analysis that contradicts be beliefs." She begins reading.
"What do you think about balloons?" She sat and pondered this question for a few minutes. "I mean... They're plastic, and full of helium. I like helium because..." She stopped. "Helium... Helium..." She suddenly realized what was wrong with the word. It had "HE" in it. She gasped again. This time, so much air was inhaled, that the entire atmosphere of the planet disappeared and everyone suffocated to death, but that's not important.
"It should be called SHElium! I need to inform whoever named the element to check his privilege!" She called Celestia on her flip phone. She's not privileged enough to afford a smart phone. "Princess Celestia, we need to change the word helium to shelium! Please fix this before it's too late!"
Celestia's eyes widened as she realized what Twilight was saying. Tears started to well in her eyes and she mentally cursed herself for letting such an atrocity go on for so long.
ATTEMPT THREE
Twilight's stamina was slowly, but steadily degrading. She was finding it harder and harder to muster up the willpower to continue observing such hatred. It made her sick, knowing that there were so many people out there, trying to set the world ablaze.
"I must push on... I must find a post to like... Do something with. I don't even remember."
She saw a picture of Trixie holding a crop in her mouth while wearing a very seductive looking expression. She started melting in her chair. "Ohhh, that's sooo hooot..." She went into cardiac arrest from overdosing on hormones and then died.
ATTEMPT FOUR
Zombie Twilight's left eye fell out out of her head as her body decomposed as an exponentially fast pace.
"Okay, my "Bring myself back to Life" spell only lasts a few minutes, so I'd better make this count." In the last moments on her life, she was determined to do the thing that was never really specified.
"I'm starting to run out of posts that won't get trigger blocked. How am I ever going to do the thing?" Suddenly, she got an idea. "I'll start my own thread! Nothing can possibly go wrong!"
She furiously types away at her keyboard, her breathing slowing down over time as her life force dripped away and also, no oxygen exists anymore because of what happened last time. After a few thousand centuries, she finishes what she believes to be a well research argument explaining why everyone on the site is a bad person.
'It's finished. It's finally finished after 4 minutes of writing for 87 trillion weeks. The game breaker. The best piece of written language in pony history." She marvel in the bright glow of her beautiful work. It's glory shining through the windows for no one to see because everyone's dead.
"Now it's time to post it." She added a picture of a turtle and pressed the post button. She sat at the computer long enough for all the matter and energy in the universe to eventually even out causing nothing but her and the computer to exist, floating in endless space of nothingness. She waited for a reply. She waited for a long time, but just as she was about to give up all hope, she remembered that the F5 button existed. She looked at the reply with excitement. It was finally done.
"Ur a fagit OP."
THE END
Author's Note
Kill me please.
