Aria Blaze is Replaced by a Flamethrower

by Vertigo22

Rating: teen
Tags: Dazzlings, Comedy, Other, Equestria Girls, Sex, Random, Violence
Length: 2307

Adagio Dazzle recounts an adventure she had with Sonata and Aria the Flamethrower to a police detective.

Sex tag for sexual references.

After setting half of Canterlot on fire, Adagio recounts what happened between the time her house was burned down and when she was arrested to a police detective.

Written on Discord for a friend, and improvised from start to finish.

Pre-read by King of Madness.

Edited by James Fire.

You can all thank Majin Syeekoh for telling me I should put this up here.

Published 2017-12-14 16:50:07 UTC
Last updated 2017-12-14 16:50:07 UTC

They Did Start the Fire

“Hello, Miss. Dazzle. I'm Detective Ash. You do understand why you're here, correct?"

"Yes, I do."

"Excellent. Now tell me: where the fuck did you get the flamethrower?"

About two hours prior

"Hey, Dagi! Look at who I found!" Sonata happily ran over to Adagio. In her arms was a flamethrower.

"Sonata, where did you find her?"

"She was in your drawer with the long, funny red things!"

Adagio's face turned beet red. "Why... why were you looking in there?"

"Because I was bored and Aria wouldn't stop telling me to let her out."

Adagio facepalmed and grabbed Aria from Sonata's hands.

Then she exploded.

“And why did she explode?”

“Sonata… really liked to push the Aria's buttons.”

"Mhm… then what?"

“Well…”

Shortly after the flamethrower blew up

Adagio cleaned up the soot and remnants of the house.

"Sonata! Where are you?"

Sonata poked her head out from behind a fort she'd been making out of burned pieces of wood. "Right here!"

"What are you doing?"

"I'm gonna have a barbeque!" She held up the flamethrower. "I'm also making a backup house. It's supposed to rain later and I don't wanna get wet."

Adagio stormed over to Sonata. "Why aren't you helping me clean this place up!?" she asked angrily.

"Because Aria said that you're a jerk and that I should make a house for us for when it rains!"

"Who's ‘us’?" Adagio asked.

"Me and Aria!"

"And what about me?"

Aria fired off a gout of flames at Adagio.

"She says you're not invited."

Present day... again

"And how did you survive that?"

"I'm a siren. I have magic."

"And your point?"

"I siphoned some of my sister's and put it out."

"Mhm... so, I'll be sure to charge you with Magical Grand Larceny in the third degree..."

"Why!?"

"I'll explain that when we're done here, you shish kabob looking witch! Now, go back to telling the story!"

Shortly after Adagio stopped burning

Adagio finished putting together her own house, made of burned pieces of wood, sticks she found around her property, and leaves.

A lot of leaves

"Stupid Aria and her temper," Adagio grumbled. "I'll show her what for!" Adagio punched her house, only to feel something really hard beneath the sticks.

She looked down and felt her eye twitch violently.

"ARIA!!!!!!"

The current time at which this story takes place

"How did Aria get under your house?"

"Are you going to question every detail of my story?"

"I'm sorry Miss, but I'm a detective and must put together a case for when we inevitably try you for setting half the state on fire, along with setting my donuts on fire."

"Fine. It was magic."

"Is that your go-to line for everything?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because fuck you, I'm a siren!"

Sometime after Adagio fixed her broken hand

Rain fell at a rate that only occurred when a hurricane hit.

"Sonata, why didn't you tell me that a hurricane was going to hit!?"

So it only made sense that a hurricane had hit.

"I thought that you knew!" Sonata replied as she struggled to not get swept away in the category four's powerful winds.

Or lose Aria.

"What do we do!?"

Adagio stopped to think. Well, by stop, one would mean she wrapped her body around the nearest durable object—a tree—and held onto it like her life depended on it!

Which it did.

Naturally.

Eventually though, she let go so she could yell to Sonata, who herself held onto the nearest durable object.

Namely, Aria.

"Do you think Aria can cast some sort of spell to help us not die?"

Sonata looked down at her durable, flammable, and destructive sister. "Hey, Aria!"

WOOSH!

And then the forest was reduced to ashes.

"Sonata?"

"Yes, Dagi?"

"What did you do?"

"Nothing."

"Sonata?"

"Yes, Dagi?"

"Stop lying."

Back yet again in the time known as the present

"So, this is why the forest went away?"

"I can only presume so."

"Seems your sister likes to set things on fire."

"Well, she is a flamethrower."

"I meant Sonata, not Aria."

Twelves minutes after the forest went bye-bye

Adagio facepalmed for what felt like the hundredth time.

It was actually the hundredth and first.

"Sonata! What the fuck did you do!?"

"I... I accidentally touched the big red button on Aria's side… again.”

Adagio felt a blood vessel explode. That or it was a brain aneurysm. She couldn't tell. Nor did she care. Yet.

"You did what!?"

"I touched the big red button you always told me not to press unless mommy and daddy started to fight!" Sonata cried. "Or if the Rainbooms returned!"

Adagio stormed over to Sonata and grabbed Aria. "You stupid, good for nothing weapon of mass-"

Aria set Adagio's head on fire.

"... Destruction."

Sonata giggled. "You look like a shish kabob."

Thud

Adagio dropped Aria on Sonata's head.

"Shut up, Sonata."

Present day once more because

"I thought you said you ‘presumed so’..."

"Dramatic tension."

"Fair enough."

Forest time again with your hosts: Adagio Dazzle and Sonata Dusk. Featuring Aria Blaze

A significant amount of seconds had past since Aria Blaze gave Sonata Dusk some pretty metal head.

"That wasn't very nice, Adagio."

It's up for debate if she liked it.

"And you're an idiot."

Adagio definitely enjoyed it.

"Well, what do we do now?" Sonata asked as she rubbed her head.

"Wait out the storm."

Then the charred remains of a tree fell on Adagio.

"If you so much as laugh, I'm burying you in a shallow grave."

Sonata giggled, only for her eyes to widen.

"Oopsy daisy..."

Police Headquarters, Canterlot, Equestria

"And did you bury her?"

"Considering she's in another room... what do you think?"

"She could've always escaped."

"No, I didn't. I didn't have a shovel."

"What happened to it?"

"I sold it for peanut butter and some lipstick."

Remains of Canterlot National Forest, Canterlot, Equestria

Adagio and Sonata walked alongside the dried up river bed.

"Oooh, there's a fishy!"

"Yes, you've said that for the other five hundred dead fish that we've seen."

"Actually, it's a hundred and seventy-two."

"Sonata, I don't care."

"Do you not?" Sonata asked with puppy-eyes. "Or do you?"

"I don't," Adagio deadpanned.

"Reeeeeally?"

"Ask me again and I'm shoving Aria up your-"

Woosh

Adagio felt her legs catch fire.

"Want some Preparation H?"

Adagio slapped Sonata upside the head and continued to walk, her legs ablaze.

Canterlot City Police Department

"And you tried to keep count of the fish?"

"I have a habit because Sonata makes me want to punch babies."

"Have you ever done so?"

"Will you charge me with assault if I say yes?"

"Yes."

"Then yes. If it gets me away from Sonata, then I do it hourly."

"Hmm... I'll be sure to have you charged with lying to an officer when we're done here."

Some place that looks like shit, one hour ago

"Adagio, my feetsies hurt!"

"Boo-hoo."

"They really do!"

"My head hurts, but you don't see me bitching!"

"Mine does too!"

"I can't imagine why..."

"It's because-"

Adagio shoved her hand into Sonata's mouth. "I don't care, you blue haired whackjob."

"Mmph mmph."

"No, you can't eat my hand."

Police Station, Police Place

"Did your feet hurt?"

"Oh, yeah."

"Why didn't you stop to rest?"

"Umm..."

"You don't know, do you?"

"Nope."

"You're a terrible sister."

"I know..."

Back to the past

"Dagi, where are we going?"

"Up shit creek."

"Why?"

"Because we might be able to reach one of the Rainbooms houses."

"Is it the one who killed Bigfoot with a glass shard?"

"No."

"Aww."

"Shut up!"

Back to the Present

"Did she really kill Bigfoot?"

"No, I just like to screw with Sonata."

"Why?"

"Don't you have a younger sibling?"

"He was run over by a steamroller."

"Oh..."

"Heh. I kid, he was shot by my cousin."

The Glorious Past

"Dagi! There's a house there!"

"I can see it."

“You can?” Sonata asked curiously. “But you're looking at the side of a mountain."

"BECAUSE IT'S THE ONLY THING THAT UNDERSTANDS ME, SONATA!"

The Shitty Present

"Did it though?"

"No, it didn't."

The Glorious Past 2.0

"Dagi! Dagi! Twilight's up the- nevermind, she ran inside."

Adagio looked at the mountain. "Only we understand our love..."

"Dagi, she has a gun..."

Adagio made out with the mountain.

"Dagi, she's chasing me!"

Adagio took her shirt off.

"DAGI, SHE'S SHOOTING AT ME!"

A shame a stray bullet can't hit me...

"DAGI, SHE WANTS TO COOK ME FOR DINNER!"

Adagio stood up and glared at Sci-Twi. Then she raised an eyebrow.

"Sonata, that's not Twilight."

Sonata stopped. "It isn't?"

"No," Adagio deadpanned as she watched her sister get attacked by the crazy person with a shotgun. "That's a crazy person with a shotgun in a Twilight Sparkle Halloween costume..."

That place with those people

"And what happened to that other sister of yours?"

"We just... sorta forgot about her."

"How exactly?"

"We were dehydrated and... losing it."

"Mhm... I can tell by the fact that you've drank twenty bottles of water since we picked you up."

That other place

"Sonata! Use Aria!"

Sonata took Aria out of... someplace. "Oh yeah, Aria's here! She's been so quiet..." Sonata pressed a button.

Then a lot of things caught fire.

Except for Adagio's pants.

Pants on Fire

"Why didn't your pants catch fire?"

"Why is your arm bandaged?"

"Because I had a psychopath throw boiling water at it."

"Oh..."

A Ring of Fire

Adagio and Sonata walked on, leaving behind a trail of fire. Literally.

"Adagio, your pants are on fire."

"I know."

"How'd they catch fire?"

"I had to walk through fire."

"Oh yeah. I guess everything is on fire..."

"YOU ONLY NOW REALIZE THAT!?"

"I was too busy watching my flaming boobs jiggle."

Blorp

"So, how long ago was this?"

"About forty-five minutes ago."

"How'd you move so quickly?"

"Oh, we've only gone up the metaphorical road from where we live. We actually move reeeeeally slow..."

Death and Taxes

"Dagi, my-"

"Sonata, I don't care."

"No, I mean my eyes hurt."

"Then stop looking at the sun."

Sonata looked at Adagio, her eyes on fire.

"No, I think I have something in them."

"Sonata?"

"Yes, Dagi?"

"You make me want to eat glass."

"I love you too!"

Sibling rivalry is great, eh Dagi?

"So, what exactly have you been doing this entire time? Just arguing?"

"Yup."

"Nothing else?"

"Nope."

"Seriously?"

"Yep."

"How'd you all survive together?"

"Beer, beer, beer, masturbation, and attempted murder."

"Why so much beer?"

"Because Sonata drinks. A lot."

Look both ways

"Dagi, I see a road!"

"Sonata, that's my arm."

"Wow, you've really been working on your tan."

"Sonata, why must you be so stupid?"

"The same reason Aria loves Shakespeare."

"Because you both hate me?"

"Exactly!"

Before Adagio could respond, she was hit by an eighteen wheeler.

"Told you there was a road."

Adagio groaned from down the road.

"That's karma for hitting me in the head!"

"Fuck you..."

Loopity loop

"And then you hitched a ride?"

"No. The guy ran me over."

"Ah, I see..."

"Yeah, I have tire marks on my face."

"Oh, so you do."

Zzzzzzz

"Dagi, my feet hurt."

"Sonata, my tits hurt!"

"Yours too?"

"No, now shut up before I rip yours off."

Adagio's head hurts

"So, what's your relationship with your sister like?"

"You seriously asking that now?"

"Better now than never."

"It sucks."

"That it?"

"Yes."

"Even with Aria?"

"She got us into this situation, numbskull."

Holy shit, is Adagio still thinking?

"Dagi, Aria has use the bathroom."

"Tell her to hold it for a while."

"She says she can't."

"Seriously?"

"Yes."

"How do you know?"

"Because the cornfield is on fire."

Adagio looked to her right. Sure enough, the cornfield was on fire.

"Why?"

"Because you give Aria heartburn."

One acid reducer later

"So, let's fast forward a bit. Where did you end up fifteen minutes ago?"

"Still walking on the road."

"Seriously?"

"DAGI, MY FEET ARE BLEEDING!"

"I STILL DON'T CARE!"

"WHY NOT?"

"BECAUSE MOM NEVER HUGGED ME ENOUGH!"

One hug later

"Seriously."

One serious thing later

"D-"

"I don't care."

"B-"

"I seriously don't."

"I-"

"Once more letter out of that burned mouth of yours and I'm going to make you eat asphalt."

"W-"

Then Adagio punched Sonata.

Woosh

Then Aria set her ablaze.

Beep beep

"Seems you have a tendency to get set on fire."

"What gave that away?"

"I dunno."

Five minutes ago

"Dagi, what's your favorite color?"

"Orange."

"Really? That's Aria's too."

"I never would've guessed."

Woosh

And then the land in front of them was set on fire.

"Sonata."

"Wasn't me."

"Sonata?"

"I swear."

"Sonata, you put Aria between those flaming tits of yours."

"I swear, it wasn't me."

"Sonata, stop lying."

"I'm not."

Interrogation room

"Then?"

"I set her lying ass on fire."

One minute, thirty-eight seconds ago

The two, along with Aria, now in the possession of Adagio, went through the fire. Once they were on the other side, they arrived at a pier.

Does Sonata like chocolate chip cookies?

"And you..."

"We bought a boat."

"Alright."

Come Sail Away

"Adagio! Let's go sailing!"

"Okay."

And as they stepped foot on the boat, Aria went Supernova.

"Sonata?"

"Yes, Dagi?"

"You hit the big red button again, didn't you?"

"Many times..."

Nevermind

“And then we were arrested.”

"Mhm… so, that's your story?"

"Yep."

"Okay, one last question."

"Yes?"

"Why'd you narrate it in the third person?"

"I think I have a brain aneurysm..."

Author's Note

Majin, this is entirely on you. :heart: