The hero of AAAAAAAHHH!!!
Equestria. A kingdom that stood above all else in both its state of peace and prosperity. A place where you could make friends and make a life for you. In other words life was pretty fucking great and anyone who said other wise was a fucking loser.... But that was back then. Now life was pretty shitty with the whole Sombra coming back and unleashing his fucked up Umbrum monsters that would belong on a metal album. taking over the Crystal Empire, and killing Shining armor, then enslaving the Crystal Ponies… again, then joining Chrysalis and some of her still loyal Changelings, while freeing Tirek and some demons from Tartarus. And then FINALLY rounding up some evil Dragons and Griffins to make an army to take over the place, and fuck everyone’s shit up. Putting everyone from ponies, good dragons and griffins, to the changelings that sided with Thorax.
So ya… Equestria now looks like Detroit and we had a shit load of bad guys making it worse while shitting and giggling the entire time like the ass holes they are.
We start off with Ponyville being one of the more happy go lucky towns which is now reduced to a slave labor camp. Demons of all sizes, Changelings, dragons and that one fucked up serpent stood there all around the chained up slaves, former residents, walk to their destination. They even whipped the ponies whether they were following orders or not.
“MOVE SLAVES!!!” yelled a boar demon as another one laughed at the pathetic ponies. Said ponies could only cry out as the barbed whip that boar demon #1 carried tore into their flesh, even if they were all ready moving to begin with. The slaves knew it didn’t matter what they did, this all just a sick form of amusement for the villains that destroyed their home, and the ponies knew that all they could do was stay strong and try to get through this together.
“You know, I’m surprised that the ponies didn’t put up more of a fight,” Changeling drone 936 said, addressing the others or the militia.
“Well after we took down the elements or whatever they were, the rest just gave up,” a scared griffon commented, waving his claw lazily while a boar demon was whipping the ponies.
As the demon continue to talk one on the ponies in line, collapsed from exhaustion, catching the attention from the two demons.
“Well well, it seems like we have a slacker.” mocked boar demon #2 as he sauntered over towards the fallen slave, taking not it was a little filly with a silvery-white coat of fur and curly light pink-and-grayish purple mane and tail, and pale green eyes filled with terror. He also noted she had a cutie mark that was a shield with a star and a music note in it. This was Sweetie Belle, sister to Rarity on of the fallen heroes of Equestria.
“Well ain’t that a shame?” boar #1 mocked while watching his friend kick the little filly, gaining a pain filled scream from her that was music to their ears.
“Please stop! She's only a child!” cried out a random mare in the slave line as the rest of them would ether yell in agreement or look away in shame.
“If this little filly can’t keep up with the rest, then she’s free pickings for us,” ugly boar demon #2 bellowed as he got closer to the filly.
Seeing the demon getting closer, Sweetie Belle started to shed a few tears while saying, “No. I’ll get back in line. I’ll get back in line.”
That didn’t seem to do anything for the demon whatsoever. Picking up the scared filly, the boar demon just grinned wickedly and growled, “You think we give a damn what you say? Sombra said we can do to you whatever we want if you don’t follow his rules. Now you get to be my dinner.” He then reached out to grab Sweetie all the while savoring the fear and sadness she was expressing since it made them taste better.
The boar demon was just inches away from grabbing the scared filly when he noticed something in the sky above him. Looking up, forgetting about the filly in the process, Boar demon said, “What in the pits of Tartarus is that?”
From the sky was a being that the filthy demon couldn’t quite make out, all it could tell was that the being looked like it walked on two feet with the way it was built and was carrying two weapons. A sword or a really big knife that glittered in the sunlight and a weird object that kind of looked like a crossbow but missing a few key parts. As the boar demon looked up in confusion, his ears were able to pick up a sound coming from the falling being.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!” screamed the being from the sky showing himself to be Sly Fucking Marbo! Screaming in all his manly glory as he fell upon the demon near Sweetie Bell with such force, that the impact caused a huge cloud of dirt to get kicked up, obscuring everyone’s site.
As the ponies looked on in hope and the villains. A.K.A the cannon fodder. Look at the dust cloud in both confusion and concern.
“What the fuck…” whispered a random Changeling. As the rest of the assorted monsters gathered around to see what the fuck was going on.
The smoke rose from the crater as the assorted villains walked towards it to get a better look at what had happened. Faster than anyone could blink, a figure shot through the smoke and sliced the other boar demon in half. The figure stood up while lifting his knife/sword up and charged at the other ugly as sin monsters with the murderous rage of the gods. The changelings tried to use their magic to slow down Sly Marbo, but he just pushed through it all while kicking them into buildings or trees painfully.
“What the fuck!” screamed the same changeling, right before Sly marbo slammed into the poor fucker, causing him to explode into a green gory mess that splattered all over the rest of the gathered villains.
But Sly wasn’t done yet! While the bad guys were trying to get over their shock, Sly being the warrior that he was used this to his advantage and lunged towards them. Becoming a whirlwind of blades as he hacked and slashed his way the invading army like a hot knife/sword through butter.
The invading army took a step back in fear, but was a wrong move when facing Sly Mabo. He saw that and charged forward, tackling them with the force of 50 football teams.
“Someone get the bitch Chrysalis out her NOW!” scream a dragon before he was riddled with holes by sly’s gun, and the griffin got nailed in the head by a battle axe that Sly got from a dead enemy.
A group charged at him, hoping they could beat this deadly foe with numbers. But as soon as they made contact with Sly Fucking Marbo, they all simply bounced off him as if he was a mighty steel wall and they, just simple rock bouncing of of him. Their humiliation would quickly end as Sly Marbo kicked all of them (some how) into the air before launching them into orbit with a mighty war cry A.KA. his AAAAAAHHH!!!). Almost as if his words took physical form just to hit them.
“Did he just hit them with his dialogue?” asked Cheese Sandwich, who was among the slave ponies.
Back to the action, Sly Marbo was almost done killing the rest of the monsters until a new foe made themselves known.
“Who dares rebel against the changeling army? And the other as well I guess,” a larger much more femanian Changeling demanded as she wondered what fool would challenge her after the fall of Equestria. This tall bitch is Chrysalis, (former) Queen of the changelings , and the one in charge of slave management of the big three.
Sly Marbo looked at the taller changeling while holding a wolf demon’s head in his hands. The demon didn’t have a chance to call for help or his mommy as Sly Marbo clenched his fist, crushing the demon’s head like a moldy grape.
“Not one for banter i see,” noted the insect like Queen. “So i guess i’ll just skip to the part where i kill you!”
And with those words, the Queen of changelings let loose a beam of magic from her horn that by any other standards would be a threat, even to a dragon, but Sly Fucking Marbo simply lifted his sword/knife (seriously what is it? It looks like a sword but the wiki says its a knife.) and deflected the beam right back at her.
“What!” screamed Chrysalis right before the beam made contact with her head, causing it to explode into a shower of gore and brain matter. Leaving the slaves and a few monster to look on in shock.
“NOPE!” Screamed a griffon as she and the rest of the remaining band of bad guys ran away with their sorry tails between their legs.
It was quiet for a moment or two before the ponies began to cheer while taking off their collars. Now free from the invading forces, the ponies started to celebrate by dancing and hugging their own friends and family. Sly Marbo watched this happened with his corpse like eyes as little Sweetie Belle carefully trotted towards him. The soldier looked down just in time for the filly to hug his leg and say, “Thank you for saving me mister.”
Seeing that the filly was safe and the ponies were free, Sly Marbo yelled, “AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!” before jumping towards his next destination.
Canterlot.
(30 minutes later. Near the base of the mountain that Canterlot was located on.)
As Sly jump from tree to to tree top like a god damme money on steroids, he had to dodge a beam of magic that put the bug queen he killed back in ponyville to shame. Force to land Sly looked towards the direction the beam came from and saw his new opponent/victim.
“Well, so you’re the one who defeated Chrysalis?” bellowed a voice, this voice belonging to the centaur demon known as Tirek. Former ruler of the badlands and and current leader of the army that took over Equestria, and he wasn’t alone for behind him was a much larger army of demons then the one back in Ponyville that Sly Marbo had slaughtered.
“It was a good thing that Sombra has a spell that allows him to see everything in Equestria, if not you might of gotten the drop on us,” bragged the demonic centaur while his demon entourage cheered on their leader. Sly was…. Not imprest and was just checking his gun.
“And while the death of Chrysalis will cause us some trouble,it’s not something that we can’t handle,” Tirek said while giving Sly Marbo a blood thirsty grin. “Especially if we have the head of the guy who killed her, to show what happens to people who resist.”
“Yay! Kill him! Rip his fucking head off!” scream the demon army. Much to Tirek’s delight as he stomp towards Sly Marbo while cracking his knuckles.
“Now if you stay still and beg for mercy, i might make this qui-*BANG!!!*” threaten the centaur before Sly Marbo, who was getting bored decided to get this over with and shoot him between the eyes, causing the massive beast to fall over like a sack of anti climatic Potatoes.
A hush silence fell on what was supposed to be a battlefield, (which was more of just a field with a corps now.) but that quickly ended once the demons dropped their weapons and ran like the little bitches they where.
As the last demon left the area, Sly Marbo look towards the tall mountain that held Canterlot, once a great city that stood for peace and harmony but was now the dark domain to the last of the three dark masters that plunged this world into darkness. The dark lord Sombra.
Not wasting anymore time Sly Marbo jumped into the air easily reaching the top of a nearby tree and using it to spring bored him to the top of the mountain, and through a window leading into Canterlot castle. This allowed him to bypass any resistance that might of got in his way and cut this writer’s work load.
(in Canterlot castle)
As Sly Marbo lands onto the center of the royal hall, he is greeted with nothing but pitch darkness, a deep darkness, a darkness so deep and sinister that it would send any man who wasn’t Sly Fucking Marbo into a state of paralyzing fear. Luckily this was Sly Fucking Marbo, and he didn’t fear what bumped in the night, they feared him.
And speaking of things in the dark that should fear him, a dark unicorn with a red horn and black mane and gray coat walked out from the shadows. Sporting wicked grin that showed of a wicked pair of fangs and a pair of blood red eyes that held a bloodlust that would make a follower of Khorne nod in approval. This dark being said nothing as he simply casted a spell that let up the entire room. Revealing the once grand hall of Canterlot as nothing but a shadow of its former self.
Halls that once held parties and had stained-glass windows that told of Equatria’s greatest moments in history, was now nothing but ruble. The once great windows,now ethered shattered or replace with onse telling of how the three main villains took over with their armies, and the vary heroes charged with keeping this very thing from happening where in this very hall! Chained down with dark magic that prevented them from trying anything, and force to watch as the leader of the the three evil drove this land to darkness, the dark ruler SOMBRA!!!! (que lighting and thunder)
After that bit of world building was done, Sly Marbo prepared to lung at the dark beast and cut his head from it’s shoulder, but before he could take a single step, a dark dome of corrupted magic appeared around him! Preventing him from laying an unholy smack down on this metal album looking wannabe. Speaking of which, said dark pony was starting to make words with its face hole, which mad Slay want to shove his foot down it even more.
“Hmhmhmhm… well, you’ve made quite the racket out their huh?” asked Sombra in a condescending voice. Laughing as he made his way towards the captured hero, all the while smirking down at the other retained heroes, reveling in their misery.
“I have to admit, when i heard of a new hero popping up and slaying my cohorts i was a little surprised,” admitted the dark stallion as he started circling Sly’s prison like a shark circling its next meal.
“And while you killing Tirek and Chrysalis is an inconvenience to me now… you did save me the trouble of doing it once their use was no longer needed,” revealed the dark stallion. Laughing in a sick manner as if betraying one's comrades was a hilarious joke. “And now that i have you, and the rest of the so called heroes locked up and in my mercy, i will be able to take over this world Easily, especially when i have these!”
And as soon as the mad king said that, six gems appeared behind him. But not any gems, but the elements of harmony themselves! Magical gems that are wielded to smite down evil and bring peace to the world… but something is wrong here. The once holy relics of equestria that defended its people are not pitch black and crackling with red energy, and if their former wielders crying and whimpering where anything to go by then this was a bad thing.
“You see with the Elements here, I will control this world with their power aiding my own. I will reshape everything in my image or crush it under my hoof. You have no power to stop me and you’re now at my mercy til you die,” Sombra gloated while cackling in mad glee.
Fives of the six mares looked down in sadness while the last was giving Sly a pitying look, a purple one named Twilight Sparkle. The mare then said, “It’s ok that you can’t do anything. We couldn’t have stopped him ourselves.”
But it wasn’t over yet! For Sly Marbo had one last trick up his sleeve! Taking the deepest breath his ever had to take and rearing his head back, sly did the one thing he does best.
He screamed.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
“What in darkness name!” screamed Sombra, as he watched the castle itself started to fall apart, and as the screaming got louder, the greater the effect it had on the world. Skies started to split, the oceans went out of control, the seasons started to shift, and the most amazing, and terrifying thing that happens was that the corrupted elements were starting to crack!
“Stop you imbecile! I command you!” Sombra growled, trying to get Sly to stop his yelling. What Sombra didn’t know was the Sly Marbo listened to no man, god or pony for that matter and kept on yelling. The anger filled yell caused the corrupted elements to shake slightly before breaking in half, there by releasing the contained magic inside them in a shockwave. With the magic released, the demons were forced back to Tartarus, Sombra was destroyed, the other races were forced out of Equestria, the ponies were saved and all the environment restored to their original state.
Oh and Shining Armor came back to life cause the magic was like whatever or something.
“Shining,” Cadence cried, tackling Shining Armor to the ground and started to do something that shouldn’t be shown in public.
Princess Celestia, now free from the dark magic, turned to their savior and said, “There is nothing I can do to express my gratitude for saving my little ponies. Thank you, noble warrior.” She bowed her head which Sly Marbo returned with a slight bow himself, before quickly rushing towards a window.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!” Sly Marbo yelled before leaping through the window and flying towards the skies, towards the next planet he was needed. For evil never rested and neither did he!
And the day was saved yet again! By Sly Marbo!!!
FIN.
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“………”
“......... so~! What did you think? Pretty neat fick huh?” the one and only Deadman, head writer of this story asked his audience. His audience being a really spooky skeleton sitting on a golden throne.
“I think this is why i make it my life’s mission to wipe out you're kind.” stated the Skeleton in a robotic voice. You see kids, this isn’t just any spooky scary skeleton, but is actually the greatest champion of mankind and slayer of the forces of chaos and known for having the most fabulous hair in the universe…. Well when he had hair… anyways! I introduce you to The Motherfucking Emperor!!!
“Oh come on it wasn’t that bad!” defended Deadman, but shutted up as soon as the golden palace they were in started to shake.
“Boy you better not back sass me, or i’ll spank your ass so hard it will be as red as a dying stun,” threatened the emperor of mankind. “Now leave before i remove you like that pony site removed your stories.”
“Ouch….” mumbled the mad god, before i was literally bitched slap out of the golden throne room by a hand made of warp energy. Leaving the throne room empty, with the exception being the man emperor and a guy in golden armor who was standing in the corner the whole time.
“Ummm… my lord… who was that?” asked the man in armor.
“None of your business you fucking banana, now go and tell the ultra smurfs to use their mary sue powers to complete another impossible task.” demanded the Emperor.
“Right away my lord!” said banana looking servant said in joy as he went about his day of fulfilling his lords demands.
And so another normal day in the imperium of man goes about as usual.
The end.
