The Thrilling Conclusion to the Ending of the Darkness Awesome Saga's Epilogue
“And make sure Opalescence doesn't get into any more catnip!” Darkness Awesome said, his perfectly timed joke eliciting raucous laughter from the Mane 6 (Sunset Shimmer had been imported into the show at this point and Pinkie Pie was taken out due to plummeting popularity at the end of season 2, when the show finally got good).
Rarity gave Darkness Awesome a big ol' smooch, indicating how grateful she was, and whispered into his ear, “Meet me in my bedroom tonight and I'll thank you properly.”
Darkness Awesome tipped his trilby (stop calling it a fedora, fedoras are stupid) and said, “I'll be there, milady.” Everypony knew what this meant, but they didn't mind. Darkness Awesome is just that irresistible.
Suddenly, there was a burst of light, and Darkness Awesome felt the star that was his awesomeness nearly engulfed by a star of more awesomeness.
“Hey everypony, sorry, I was just literally saving Equestria from an ancient enemy that only my super-alicorn magical powers could—who the fuck is this?” Starlight Glimmer gestured at Darkness Awesome. “He's not part of the canon.”
Darkness Awesome immediately felt the slight. “YOU TAKE THAT BACK, MOTHERBUCKER!”
Starlight Glimmer scoffed. “Haber imbued me with incredible powers. It's more than a little fanfiction gnat like you will ever be.”
Darkness Awesome lunged at Starlight Glimmer and got a decent clock against Starlight Glimmer's jaw before seven muscle-bound stallions conveniently arrived from out of frame and held him back. “SCOOTAREADER LOVES ME! AND YOU WILL TOO!”
“Oh? You think so?” Starlight Glimmer chortled. She wiped blood from her jaw, but managed to keep her cool—which made her even cooler with how she could keep control. She then turned and addressed the crowd which had magically formed at the exact moment she began to speak. “Everypony, orgy at my pad at 7:00 sharp!” The crowd cheered, and Darkness Awesome immediately felt his power drain.
Darkness Awesome needed to think of a solution, and fast.
As luck would have it, there was a convenient solution sauntering by. It was the Merchant.
Darkness Awesome immediately leaped to his hooves, prompting a curious stare from Starlight Glimmer. He dashed to the Merchant, and before it could register with Starlight Glimmer what he was doing, he told the Merchant, “I need the last piece to my Starlight Glimmer cosplay.”
The Merchant nodded in understanding and handed Darkness Awesome a pink unicorn horn.
Darkness Awesome affixed the unicorn horn to his head, next to his other horn, using some tape. Then he passed out.
He came to feeling even more overpowered than usual. He was... in Equestria, and Starlight Glimmer was standing over him. She was staring deep into his eyes, and she said, “I have this really weird feeling like I should sleep with you, but that would be like sleeping with myself. Am I really that attractive?”
Darkness Awesome looked at his hooves, which were obviously going to be pink. He then pulled his mane down and it had that toothpaste thing going on that Starlight Glimmer's mane has. He then flexed his muscles and realized that he had Starlight Glimmer's rippling muscles on top of his own rippling muscles. Even though it doesn't usually work like that, he managed to retain not only his original powers, but Starlight Glimmer's powers as well.
He nodded in satisfaction, then looked at his previous tormentor. “I'm like you, but better.” He then turned to the assembled crowd. “Orgy is back on, my little ponies! But at my house, not hers!”
The ponies somehow instinctively knew what Darkness Glimmer was talking about, even though he looked exactly like Starlight Glimmer, because writing exposition is a waste of time.
Starlight Glimmer knew she had been defeated. The only way she could possibly compete at this point was to become more awesome. She set her sights on the Merchant. “Give me a fedora.”
The Merchant looked at Glimglam in confusion. “You mean a trilby?”
“Yeah, whatever that gay hat is called.” She was handed a trilby and put it on, then passed out.
When Starlight Glimmer came to, she had become Darkness Awesome, but the Gift of Haber had managed to hold true and allowed her to keep her powers as well, something that Darkness Awesome had been hoping would only apply to him due to how cool Scootareader had made him. Alas, this gamble didn't pay off, and Starlight Awesome came into being. She looked like Darkness Awesome, but it was actually just his powers layered on top of hers—the opposite complement of what Darkness Glimmer had.
The Merchant cackled maniacally. “This sub-genre is the absolute best on the site. Make sure you subscribe to the Displaced group, they only have top-quality fanfiction there!” He then disappeared in a puff of smoke.
Darkness Glimmer and Starlight Awesome stared at one another, uncertain what to make of this situation. Neither of them had ever met their match before. Like, literally no other pony was as powerful as these two in their respective franchises: Darkness Awesome's true show canon, and Starlight Glimmer's cheap knock-off Josh Haber power fantasy. To say they were at an impasse is an understatement of just how much power scaling these two encountered. Even Scootareader was too lame to write about them, and had to be teleported to Equestria in his Darkness Awesome cosplay and channel the powers of Darkness Awesome directly to be permitted to write this scene.
How would you resolve such a situation? As Darkness Glimmer and Starlight Awesome stared one another down, each waiting for the other to make the first move, the realization dawned on both of them. There really was only one solution, one outcome to this dilemma.
So they had sex.
Two months later, Darkness Glimmer had a foal. He inherited the powers of Darkness Awesome and Starlight Glimmer from his father as well as the powers of Starlight Glimmer and Darkness Awesome from his mother. He was so jacked that his own father wanted to have foals with him from the moment he was born. He was so jacked his mother immediately got pregnant again. He was so jacked that even Josh Haber was forced to bow down in recognition of his inferior writing skills and admitted he was a mediocre writer and would kill off Starlight Glimmer indefinitely. All of this because Shadow Incredible was born again, the cycle beginning anew of the Darkness Awesome story.
With this saga having come to an end, many ask what became of Darkness Awesome afterward. Well, he still lives a humble life in a one-bed house with his monogamous wife Princess Luna, struggling to make ends meet because he never accepts payment for his services, and he never even dreams of cheating on her. Shadow Incredible, the son of Darkness Awesome and Princess Luna, left two days after birth, his awesomeness unable to be contained, and set off on a journey that ended with him finding and marrying Princess Luna in a strictly monogamous relationship in gen 5 season 1 episode 1 (Shadow Incredible is the primary focus of gen 5). Starlight Glimmer (now Starlight Awesome), looking like Darkness Awesome, decided to start his own offshoot franchise titled “Wherein the Main Character is a Displaced Unicorn OC in an Alicorn OC's Body” and from there found and married Princess Luna with a promise to be monogamous. They all lived happily ever after.
Princess Celestia looked coldly at Princess Luna from where she had just finished reading. “Who is Scootareader?”
Princess Luna chuckled at the naivete of her sister. “He's the main character, of course.”
“You can't be in simultaneous monogamous relationships, Luna. That's not how it works.”
“Oh, stop trying to poke holes in it. You know it's sweet and romantic. Besides, this fanfiction needs to promote Christian values.”
Celestia only shook her head. “Thank goodness it's over. That was a tough read.”
THE END...?
Darkness Awesome awoke with a start. Luna stirred beside him, disturbed by his sudden movement.
He sighed. “Just a bad dream, dear.” He stroked her mane softly, causing her to snuggle up next to him.
“What was it about?”
He chuckled. “A pony more powerful than me.”
Luna let out a tiny laugh of her own. “And what came of it?”
He shrugged. “Not much. It was executed very poorly, with no sense of closure, as if it had been conceived late at night and minimal effort was put into it.”
Luna perked her ears up a bit. “No sense of closure, you say?”
THE END FOR REAL
Author's Note
I literally cannot put the bar any lower for this series. As a positive, the inevitable next installment will at least be of higher quality than this.
