Author's Note
I don't regret a damn thing!
The grammar maybe sucks!
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
I FUCKING LOVE YOU!
1.Silent Night.1
Christmas magic had invaded Ponyville streets. The houses looked like gingerbread houses, the street lights were red and white, and in the middle of this town, there was a giant Christmas tree covered with thousands of Christmas balls and garlands. All the little foals were at the foot of this majestic tree then it began to snow, even if Ponyville had already put on his beautiful white coat. All residents of Ponyville look forward to this time of year. Everybody? Alas no! But to see that, we have to go to a house far away from others. This house was empty, dark, sad, just like the person who was inside.
Continuous shot of pictures of Spike and his friends with background sound messages.
''Greeting Spike, It's Button! Sorry but this year, I will spend the holiday with mother and my twelve stepfathers. Merry Christmas!''
''Message deleted!'' The phone said.
''YO SPIKE! It's me, Rumble a.k.a the best police officer of this freaking country! Enjoy your holiday with your friends even if you do not have any! Rumble goes to the SUUUUN!''
''Message deleted!'' The phone said.
''Hello Spike, it's me, Pip! Sorry to not be with you, but you know your aunt, she wants her little pip by her sides. I would like to tell you to come to the castles. But since your last fight with her, she does not want to see you anymore. Enjoy your Christmas!''
''Message deleted!'' The phone said.
There was a great silence then a voice began to recite a letter.
''Dear Santa! Fuck you and fuck Christmas!'' Spike folded the letter and put it in an envelope that he closed with a wax seal. He went outside and put the letter in the mailbox of the village. Once back home, he went into the kitchen with a big smile on his face.
''Turkey time!'' He lighted the gas and put his head in the oven. He waited then he pulled out his head and turned off the gas.
''No, not like this,'' Spike took out an electric garland from the closet and made a knot with it.
''That better!'' He tied the garland to the chandelier and passed it around his neck before pronouncing his last words.
''Merry Christmas!'' He pushed the chair with his foot but, he fell into the void because the chandelier could not support its weight. Spike was lying on the floor with his face buried pressed against the ground, then his phone rang.
''Ello?'' The screen cut in half, on the left, there was Spike, and on the right, there was twilight wearing a purple dress.
''What are you doing, Spike?'' Twilight asked.
''Enfing mh lifh!'' Spike replied.
''What?'' Twilight did not understand his answer.
''Enfing mh lifh!'' Spike repeated.
''Speak louder!'' Twilight ordered.
''I decorate the house with my lifeless body!''Spike said.
''Spike... I do not have time for that!'' Twilight explained.
''Don't care! What do you want from me?'' Spike asked.
''Twilight, who are you talking to?'' Rainbow asked while decorating the Christmas tree with the help of Fluttershy and Applejack.
''I'm talking to Spike!'' Twilight replied.
''FUCK THE DRAGONS'' Rainbow yelled.
''Love you too!'' Spike said.
''Shut up and listen! I managed to convince the princesses to let you come to the castle for the dessert,'' Twilight explained.
''No salmon for me this year!'' He said while playing with a knife.
''Stop complaining, Spike!'' Rainbow said.
''She's right, partner. You will be with your friends!'' Applejack added.
''And there will be cream cakes!'' Pinkie said with her head upside down.
''Thanks but no thanks!'' Twilight was unamused by her number one assistant.
''Spike, put on your best shirt, take your car and join us at the castle before we all murder you!'' Twilight explained.
''Fine! But I want a sit next to Rarity!'' Spike ordered.
''Great! See you later!'' Pinkie closed the screen, leaving Spike alone in the living room.
''At your orders, boss!'' Spike climbed the stairs and went to the bathroom. He looked at himself in the mirror and combed his hair back.
''Done!'' Spike went downstairs, he took his car keys and left the house. He took the wheel of his rusty mustang and hit the road.
''I don't want a lot for Christmas!''
''HO HO HO!'' This laugh was magic for all the little foals of the world. When they hear it, they know that this light represents the arrival of the innocence! This laugh represents the meaning of Christmas! This laugh represents Santa Claus!
''Rudolph, Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen! We must stop in these woods!'' The reindeers began to descend from the sky and landed in the woods near the road. Santa got out of his sleigh and spoke to Rudolph.
''I'm going to stretch my legs, wait for me wisely, and I warn you, Dancer! If I see you on Vixen's back again, I will give you to Krampus, and trust me! It is he who will be on your back!'' Santa went to the woods while keeping an eye on Vixen.
He walked in the woods and then stopped to opened the fly of his pants to relieve himself.
Merry Christmas and a happy new YEARRRRGGGGGGGG! Santa Claus flew into the air before hitting a tree to finish on the ground.
5 seconds earlier.
''ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS OH FUUUCK!'' Spike hit Santa Claus with his car. He waited a few seconds before going out to see him. He approached him and touched his stomach in search of a reaction.
''Oh sweet Celestia...I KILLED SANTA CLAUS! I'M A BASTARD!'' Spike panicked while talking to himself. ''Alright, Spike! Calm down! You know what to do you in that kind of situation!''
Spike ran to the trunk of his car and pulled out a shovel. He stood next to the body and began to dig a hole. He threw all the dust on Santa Claus who finally woke up.
''What happened?'' Santa asked.
''AHHHHHHHH!'' Spike hit Santa with his shovel. ''Die zombie die!''
''Stop! I'm not a zombie! I AM SANTA CLAUS!'' Spike stopped and looked at him with surprise in his eyes.
''HOLY SHIT!'' Spike saw that Santa Claus was in a bad state, so he decided to help him.
''Don't worry! I will help you!'' Spike took a bandage from the glovebox and stuck it on Santa's face.
''So, are you feeling better?'' Spike asked.
''Yes bitch! I do not feel my body members anymore, but arms are not very important for driving a sleigh! '' Santa replied.
''Woah, this isn't my fault! I didn't control my drift!f'' Spike explained
''Dickhead!'' Santa insulted.
''Calm down Santa cock, who takes a leak at a turn exit!? Look at me I'm Santa Claus! I give gifts, and I love poop!'' Spike said.
''When I think I had almost finished the night! I had one last gift to put under a tree! One! Tomorrow, a foal is going to be very sad!'' Santa explained.
''Yep, that sucks!'' Spike didn't give a fuck about his story.
''Unless you take care of it!'' Santa proposed.
''Nope'' Spike refused.
''I've got testicular cancer!'' Santa said.
''What? Wait, but I don't give a shit about your balls! You're starting to go, nuts mate! Why I should carer?'' Spike asked.
''To feel sorry for me!'' Santa said.
''We didn't raise fucking children together, did We?'' Spike replied.
''Come on, please! I'll let you ride my sleigh'' Spike looked at the sleigh while smiling like a little foal. It was red with golden drawing on it. Spike was on the verge to cry, but then he saw several goats attached in the front of the sleigh.
''Goats! Are you fucking kidding me?!'' Spike asked.
''I don't have the budget for reindeers!'' Santa explained.
''You're a crook!'' Spike accused.
''Why don't you buy me reindeers then, eh!'' Santa said.
''You're a crook!''Spike repeated.
''As a present. for Chritsmas!'' Santa ordered.
''Between us, you're a crook!'' Spike said.
''No one gives me Christmas presents, whereas I distribute them all over the world!'' Spike began to play air violin.
'' Sometimes, I come to think that people..are egoists Ungrateful. Real son of a bitches'' Spike stopped playing air violin. ''Wankers! Fucking dickhead!''
''Yeah!'' Spike added.
''Bastards! Assholes!'' Santa insulted.
''True!'' Spike replied.
''Shit Eaters! They can go fuck themselves! I shit on their mouth and piss on their face! Then, I put them in a shower, except instead of water, it's acid! Then I give them band-aids, knife band-aids! I'll shank them!'' Spike and Santa stabbed the air several times.
''(Heavy breathing.) Fuck them all!'' Santa said.
''Yeah!'' Spike high fived Santa.
''I'm feeling better,'' Santa said.
''Great!'' Spike replied.
''Well, for me anyway, not for the kid who won't get his present!'' Santa added.
''I'm going to slap you!'' Spike threatened.
''Hmmm!'' Santa Claus made the cat's eyes to Spike.
''No!'' Santa Claus continued to look at him like that.
''No, no! Don't do that!'' Spike tried to hide his eyes from him.
''Flurry does this to me all the time! I am immune!'' Santa caressed his moustache.
''Too cuuuute! Ok, I'll deliver your present so stop it!'' Spike finally accepted his destiny/fate.
''Wonderful! So..This is the address, and take that also,'' Spike received a box with a button from Santa. ''Use it when you're in danger!'' Spike pressed the button, and the goats exploded into tiny pieces. Santa looked at Spike, and Spike smiled.
''My bad, sorry!'' For an instant, Santa regretted his choice. He pulled another box from his jacket and gave it to Spike.
''Here's another! Use it when you are REALLY in danger!'' Santa explained.
''Got it!'' Spike put it in his check shirt.
''Good luck then!'' Santa said.
''Okey dokey!'' Spike replied.
5 seconds later
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS YOUUUUUUUU
Spike was driving on the road while listening to Christmas music, dressed as Santa Claus.
Meanwhile in the woods
''He could have at least give me a lift, that young bastard.'' Santa complained.
''AOUHHH!'' Santa turned his head to the left when he heard Wolves screams.
''Oh shit!'' Santa said.
''GRRR!'' Santa turned his head to the right when he heard a lion roaring.
''Oh come on!'' Santa added.
Spike was driving on both sides of the road, then he stopped and looked at the address of the kid's house.
''6 north Crystal Avenue, No. 36654. Empire beach, Canterlot 28630 Equestria,'' He turned his head to the left and saw the kids house. He took off his cap and put on his fake beard. He put his cap back and got out of his car.
He knocked on the door and waited while repeating his text and by being observed by the peephole of the door.
''HO HO HO! Here comes Santa! Guf! No, no! For fuck sake! HEH HEH HEH! I have a gift for you! No! HI HI HI! My dick in a bo!'' The door opened slowly, and a man looked at Spike with one eye.
''HO HO HO! HERE COMES SANTA, AND I BRING GIFTS!'' The man looked at Spike silently then spoke.
''Good evening, we were waiting for you,'' He opened the door with a creepy ass smile ''Come inside!''
Spike entered the house, and the man spoke to him.
''Please, make yourself at ease!'' Spike went to the living room and sat on the couch. He looked all around him but all he saw scary masks and puppets.
''Do you like music, Santa?'' The man asked.
''Yes..Yes, indeed. It's true sometimes I..'' Spike was interrupted by the music.
''Do you like to dance, Santa?'' The man asked.
''Well, on the opposite, dancing is,'' Spike danced with him and the man watched him constantly.
''Well then, it was nice, but Ms.Claus is waiting for me to come home. So here is the present, you can give it to your child. Merry Christmas!'' Spike said.
''Please, wait! He'll come open them, anyway we always open the presents during the evening here!'' The man explained.
''Jacques! Come and see who is here!'' They waited, and the man called his son again.
''Jacques!'' They waited, then the man stopped the music.
''JACQUES!'' He comes closer to Spike. ''JAAAAACQUES! JAAAAACQUES! JAAAACQUES! JAAAACQUES!''
''HOLY FUCKING SHIT! BRING YOUR ASS FULL OF SHIT HERE!'' Spike yelled. The man looked at him, and Spike smiled.
''Jacques, come on. Bring your ass full of shit here!'' Spike said.
''I'm gonna see what's is doing,'' The man said. ''Jacques, Sweetheart! Ahahahahha!'' He left the living room and Spike began to lose patience.
''Here you are. Why don't you answer? I didn't raise you like that! There is a guest of honor in the living room. A guest who brings you a surprise,'' The man said to his son.
''Shit!'' Spike said to himself.
''There is a surprise in the living room. A great surprise! Come on, don't be shy,''
He said.
Spike waited on the couch then the son of the man appeared.
''This is really you, Santa?'' The boy asked.
Spike turned his head to see the child, but, it wasn't a child. It was the same man wearing a diaper. After seeing this, Spike took out the box from his pocket and hesitated to press the button.
''Santa?'' the man said with a child's voice.
Spike put the box back in his pocket and smiled at the child.
''Yes, it's me,'' The boy giggled with joy. ''Merry Christmas my..'' The boy jumped into Spike's arm and started to kiss him.
''My Santa! My Santa! Can I take a picture?'' The boy asked.
''Listen,'' The boy interrupted Spike.
''Yes, Thanks!'' The boy put his camera on the table and waited for the flash. He was on Spike's knees then he farted on him.
''WAAAAA!'' Spike threw him on the ground.
''Merry Christmas!'' Spike ran out of the house. Once outside, he looked all around him with an angry face.
''Fuck!'' He took a step and walked on a two made of iron. He took it and looked at the door which had a missing a number.
''Little shit!'' He took off his cap and entered the house dressed as a woman.
''Sweetheart, I'm home!'' The boy was playing with the pink car then he looked at him surprised.
''Mum?'' He asked.
''LYING IS BAD!'' The boy was on Spike's knees while Spike was slapping his ass.
''YOU'RE NOT NICE! YOU'RE A BAD BOY!'' Spike yelled.
''Yes!'' He said.
''Bad Boy!'' Spike said.
''Yes, I'm a bad boy! Punish me!'' The boy ordered.
''Holy shit!'' Spike threw him to the ground and took the toy, but the man tried to keep it.
''Let it go you fucking piece of shit! LET IT GO'' The toy broke in half because of the ma
''In fact, I don't care; I don't like gifts! I am a dragon! SKREEEEEEEEE!'' The man tried to pass through the window, but fail.
''Son of a bitch!''
Spike was back in his car, he removed the wig, and throw it on next to the broken toy. He looked at it with sadness in his eyes.
''Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn!'' He hit the wheel of his car.
''It's not over!'' a mysterious voice said.
Spike looked through the bushes, and a man lit a cigarette.
''It's not over!'' The mysterious stranger comes closer to Spike. He was dressed like a detective from the 50's. ''There is a toy store open all the night. 5km, after the service station. Anf if you want an adv,'' Spike pressed the accelerator.
''I didn't finish my line, damn! This is insane! Shit, a bit of respect! For Christmas eve, fuck! This is bullshit, People don't respect anything! Fuck! Go fuck your dead people!'' He returned inside the bushes.
Spike was in front of the toy store, still dressed as Santa Claus with an electric guitar tune in the background. Spike entered the shop, and an audio voice spoke.
''For the latecomers, we recall you that the store closes in 5 minutes, wishing you a Merry Christmas!'' Spike turned around in rage.
''Shiiiiit!'' Spike was looking for the kid's toy, then he finally found it. It was the last toy on the shelf. He took it and went to the exit, but there were many adults in front of him, and they all wanted the toy.
''I feel like you're not the only one who wants this toy!'' The unicorn cracked his neck.
''Don't play fool, and put it back!'' The pegasus cracked his finger.
''Otherwise, we'll destroy your face! Did you understand poor schmuck!'' the old pony cracked her size a bit too hard.
''Oh damn!'' She fell on the ground.
''M-martha!'' Her husband said.
They all looked at Spike with hateful eyes, but Spike had in his hand the box of Santa Claus.
''NYEH HEH HEH!'' He pressed the button, but nothing happened. Spike looked at them with a smile and pressed the button again.
''SILENT NIGHT!'' A dwarf dressed as a Chrismas elf came out of a baby stroller.
''HOLY NIGHT!'' Another dwarf came to help Spike.
''ALL IS CALM!''The singer of the song came out of the fake presents.
''ALL IS BRIGHT!'' A dwarf landed on the ground like a superhero.
The dwarves stood next to Spike, and Spike looked at the adults with a smug smile.
''So I think everypony is ready!'' Spike removed his beard and threw it on the floor.
Music Bitches!
Girls are beautiful!
Spike ran to a pony who tried to hit him, but he dodged all his blows.
And boys are wonderful!
the pony took the toy from him, but Spike kicked him in the stomach.
But when I met Spike!
A pegasus sent the presents into the air.
My life completely change!
Spike dodged the blows of the Pegasus and kicked her in the stomach.
Cause Spike is an asshole!
He caught the box and stopped the kick of the Pegasus before hitting her with the box.
Gnia gnia gnia gnia gnia gnia gnia gnia gnia gnia gnia gnia gnia gnia gnia!
Spike looked around to find an exit and then turned back.
Spike is one hell of a guy!
The unicorn kicked Spike in the leg, and Spike smacked his face with the toy.
No one wants to mess with him!
A pony kicked Spike, and a unicorn took the box from him.
He looks like a psychopath!
The unicorn from the beginning and a pegasus threw themselves on Spike.
With a scary smile!
Spike stopped the blow of the unicorn and hit him in the face, same for the Pegasus.
People find him disgusting!
The unicorn gave the box to the other unicorn.
But he doesn't give a shit!
Spike tried to take the box from him, but the Pegasus made him fall.
He should be jail!
Spike caught the leg of the Unicorn and made him fall.
But his too sexy for this!
Spike took the box while laughing.
Gnia gnia gnia gnia gnia gnia gnia gnia gnia gnia gnia gnia gnia gnia gnia!
The Grandpa hit him several times with his cane, then the box who went into the arms of a pony.
How to describe Spike!
Spike grabbed a dwarf by the size and threw it under the pony.
That dragon's dangerous!
The dwarf parted the pony's legs and hit him in the ball sack.
Just like his entire races!
The dwarf took the toy from him, but a bull grabbed him.
He can break germs with his teeth!
The pony tried to take the toy, but the other dwarves came to kick his ass.
Plus Ember think his sexy!
Spike grabbed the toy and went away.
Gnia gnia gnia gnia gnia gnia gnia gnia gnia gnia gnia gnia gnia gnia gnia
Spike tried to escape, but a griffin that strangely looked like Gilda but with a green wick blocked his way with a lightsaber in her hand.
Every night with Spike is simply wonderful!
Spike took a lightsaber and began to fight.
His body is perfect, just like the thing under his belt!
Spike smacked her in the face and disarmed her.
''SO WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO NOW!'' She kicked him in the stomach.
This guy is a beast in bed!
She punched him many times in the face.
Ask your wife about her last night!
But Spike managed to block her fist.
She enjoyed it for sure!
He pushed her and spat in his hand.
But the best things have an end!
Before slapping her.
Gnia gnia gnia gnia gnia gnia gnia gnia gnia gnia gnia gnia gnia gnia gnia!
Spike packed the toy while making middle fingers to the readers.
When Spike leaves all the mares alone!
Spike ran toward three ponies.
They begged for his return!
Spike blocked all the blows of his opponents.
But his heart is unavailable!''
He smacked the three ponies with the box.
It already belongs to somepony!
Spike dodged the fist of the pony and hit him on the stomach with the box.
A white unicorn with indigo hair!
He also dodged the cane of the old man and hit him in the face.
''COME HERE!'' He grabbed the cameraman by the collar and kicked him on the nuts.
When Rarity speaks to this dragon!
He blocked the kick of the pony with the box and the cane of the old man.
Her heart beats like a drum!
He knocked out the pony with the toy and blocked all the blows of the old man.
She falls into his arms!
He bit the old man's arm and threw him on the floor.
And kiss him passionately
Spike threw the toy to the pony who caught it.
Until the end of the day!
The pony burst with joy and Spike kicked him in the stomach while making a middle finger to the reader, again.
Plus every mare wants his dick!
Spike grabbed the toy and looked at the chaos he caused. He touched the old man to see if he was still conscious then went to the exit.
Music over bitches!
''19,99 bits!''The cashier said.
Spike knew that voice, he looked at the cashier and spoke to him.
''Fallout?'' Spike said.
''Hi, Spike! How are you?'' Fallout asked.
''I'm fine, thanks for asking and you?'' Spike asked.
''I'm fine! I found this job after Twilight fired me!'' Fallout explained.
''Why?'' Spike asked.
''I did not want to hold her hand during her morning walk,'' Fallout replied.
''Damn!'' Spike said.
''I know, it will cost you 19.99 bits,'' Fallout replied
Spike looked at him with a hateful looked.
''We can do a 100% discount if you want...Merry Christmas!'' Fallout said.
Spike entered his car and went to the right house.
''Okay, Spike! Normally the right house is that one OH YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING!'' Spike was in front of the castle of the princes of the sun, Celestia.
''I hate my fucking life!'' Spike knocked on the door, but nothing happened. He waited then tried again. He stepped back and looked at the fireplace of the castle.
''You owe me one, fat ass!'' Spike declared.
Close-up of the fireplace then a gift fell from the sky, followed by Spike covered with dust.
''To get her ass eat by Luna, Cadence, Twilight and her fucking friends there are people, but for the chimney, there is nobody, shit!'' Spike said while scratching his hair.
''(Cough),'' Spike stopped moving then looked to his right and saw everypony. Everypony looked at him shocked. Then he looked at Flurry and spoke with a big voice.
''OH OH OH IT'S ME SANTA CLAUS! MERRY CHRISTMAS, THIS IS FOR YOU LITTLE GIRL!'' Spike said.
''SANTA! SANTA!'' Flurty yelled.
''Out of the way, Flurty! I'm talking to her!''Spike Pointed Derpy who was eating a garland.
''YEAAHHHHHHHHH!'' Derpy burst in joy.
''Thank you Santa!'' Derpy hugged Spike.
''You're welcome!'' Spike said.
''You smell candy canes!'' Derpy added.
''Shining, What the fuck is going on!'' Cadence looked at Shining who was in tears.
''(Sniff)That's the spirit of Christmas, Cadence!'' He replied.
''I want to divorce!'' Cadence declared.
''Christmas spirit!'' Shining added.
''Open your gift!'' Derpy opened her gift, and when she started playing with the car, it broke in half.
''Oh it's broken!'' Derpy said with tears in her eyes.
''Wait wait wait, don't worry! We can repair it! All you need is scissors, duck tape, and a bit of glue! Do not confuse with a bit of coke!'' Spike helped Derpy repaired her toy while being watched by Santa Claus.
''Good job, Spike!'' Santa said, then a flashlight-lit his face.
''What sup, Bitch! Do you enjoy your holiday? Put your hands on your head! Rumble is back, baby!'' Rumble threatened Santa with his magnum.
''You are mistaken, I am Santa Claus!'' Santa said.
''I WANT MY TOYYYY!'' The psychopath from earlier jumped on Santa and Santa Punched him in the face while Rumble was still lighting them.
''Here is a Christmas like no other! Next year, Spike will be with his friends for Christmas eve!'' The mysterious stranger was interrupted by the title of the Story.
SPIKE'S CHRISTMAS!
''FUCKING SHIT! Cut by a title! What is that? Who deserves this? Nobody! I'm not shit!''
The stranger yelled.
Ending
Realized by Spike the lone wanderer.
Written by Spike the lone wanderer.
With Spike Drake in the role of Spike.
The psychopath in the role of the psychopath.
Santa Claus in the role of Santa Claus.
Derpy in the role of Derpy.
The mysterious stranger in the role of the mysterious stranger.
And Dancer in the role of Dancer.
