My Barks Are Worse Than My Bytes

by Creepa-Bot Inc

Rating: mature
Tags: Princess Luna, Original Character, Comedy, Random, Adventure, Princess Celestia, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human
Length: 1491

14-year old boy sent to Equestria as his OC. What else can I say?

Well, ain't this just jim-fucking-dandy....
Last night, I went to bed like any other day, when suddenly, POOF! I end up in a fucking field outside a barn! And what's worse- I'm a fucking pony! And my MLP OC, no less!
I-I can barely comprehend what the hell is going on! I'm so freaked out! Y'know why?! Because if I'm my OC, THEN THAT PROBABLY MEANS I'M IN FUCKING EQUESTRIA!! And due to some fanfics on FimFiction, this terrifies me! Oh man...... Let's hope I can survive....

My first fic. Also, credit to Binkyt11 for the pic.

Published 2018-03-02 06:10:06 UTC
Last updated 2018-03-02 06:10:06 UTC

[insert awkward title about freaking out here]

I consider myself to be a somewhat brave person. I always imagine myself reacting calmly, if not confused, to certain oddities.

This, however, is not the case.

".......wwwwwwWWWWHAT THE FUUUCK?!?"

In case you're wondering, yea. That's me.

My name is Jonis Eggleston, and I have just found myself in quite the predicament. I am in some random place, in a random body. Whoop-de-fucking-do!

"WHAT THE FUCK?! WHERE AM I?! WHY DON'T I HAVE HANDS?! WHY AM I A PONY?! AAAUUUGH!!!" I scream out crackly. Puberty's a bitch. Normally, I'd try to think this out, but as this whole situation seemingly could never happen, you could imagine my fear and confusion. After a while of yelling and flailing, I laid on my side and tried to breathe and think this out. Due to my athsma, my breath was wheezy from all that.

'OK OK OK OK, let's try to figure this shit out. I'm not home, in bed, or in my normal heu-mahn body. Heh, Markiplier.' I thought to myself. OK, let's process this malarkey. What do I look like? I look down at my body. My, uuuuuhhhhhhh......fur....is a kind of spearminty green, kind of like.........um, Lyra Heartstrings? Yea. I looked down at my backside to see what my tail looked like. OK, kind of dark piney, I guess. Then I glanced at my....flanks. There, in all it's motherfucking glory, was a black, cubey 0110. Fuck. I think I'm my OC. All right, let's keep calm.....oh, god, this is terrifying. OK, I'm my OC. does that mean I'm........no. Oh, god, please, no. Please don't tell me I'm in Equestria. OOHHHHHHH GOOOOOOOOD! OK, nope. Not staying here. Better make my way out of this freaky-ass situation before I snap. Oh, wait........

I don't know how to walk on pony legs. Shit.

Well, maybe I'll just crawl? Yea, why not? I'll do it. I've done a lot of dumb things, and this ain't gonna fucking stop me! I look around for a place to crawl to. I see...... Oh, OK. It's Applejack's place. Her barn, I mean. Maybe she'll help me out? Heh, she'll be so weirded out by me crawling on the ground. Ooh, boy. Well, best git on along. And so I start my long, hard journey......... Ow. That's a pebble.

===A while later===

Applejack was out in the fields, bucking the apple trees per usual. Gotta help bring in the bits somehow, and this was it. She'd been doing this since she was a little foal, and she wouldn't stop now. Unless some unpredicted evil threatened the land, of course. She was the Element of Honesty, after all. One of the six Elements of Harmony. If it hadn't have been for Twilight, they'd all probably be doomed by now.

Ahh, friendship. Was there no problem it couldn't solve?

Anyways, it was looking to be lunchtime in about a few minutes or so, so she probably should bring the apples she got back home. She took the basket of apples and brought them back to the farmhouse. She walked to the big cart and loaded the basket onto it.

"Hey!! You!! Could I, uh, get some help here?!" A voice suddenly called from behind her. She turned around to see......................a stallion crawling toward the farm? Were they hurt? Did they need help? Worried, Applejack galloped over to the stallion. Now, back to me. I had been crawling for a while, and I felt SO. GODDAMN. TIRED. I swear, I would've passed out if I crawled any more. Thankfully, I saw an orange pony, who I assumed to be Applejack, putting a basket onto a cart. I called out to her.

"Hey!! You!! Could I, uh, get some help here?!" She turned around and looked at me. She suddenly had a look of worry on her face and galloped to me. When she got to me, she looked down at me in concern.

"You alright, sugarcube?" She asked me.

"Uh, yea, I'm.........decent. Could you take me inside or something?" I replied.

"Why? If yer fine an' dandy, why d' y'all need help getting inside?"

"........I, um, don't know how to walk.........."

"What was that?"

"*sigh*. I don't know how to walk." She looked at me in confusion.

"What kinda stallion don' know how to walk?"

"Look, just please take me inside, I'll explain."

"All right, stranger, if yer sure..." She crouched down.........................was I supposed to do something?

"Ummm...." I uttered.

"Just get on mah back. Geez, d'ya need everything spoonfed to ya?" she said, slightly annoyed.

"Sorry, sorry!" I quickly said as I, as she said, crawled onto her back. She stood up slowly and trotted toward the farmhouse with me dangling on her back, tired as ALL HELL and relieved that I could stop moving now. A bit after, we had made it inside. I was shrugged off Applejack's back onto a couch. It felt.........like sitting in a chair at your grandma's house. The fabric was kinda old and scratchy. But that wasn't important. Back to the matter at hand. Applejack stood in front of me and looked at me.

"Alright, start talkin'. Why can't ya walk? And why were you out near mah family's farm?" Ooh boy, how do I say this?...............shit. Umm, alright. Let's just be straightforward. Might get thrown out, but she's the Element of Honesty! She'll know I'm telling the truth!

"Uuuummmmmm......oh, geez. Uh, OK, please don't think I'm crazy, alright?" She narrowed her eyes slightly at this.

"Alright. But sayin' that won't 'sactly help yer case." I took a deep breath. God, I'm so scared. OK, heeeeeere we go.

"OK, basically I'm an alien trapped in a different body than mine, in a different world than mine." She raised an eyebrow.

"I'm currently extremely terrified, and would appreciate if you didn't throw me onto the street thinking I'm a nut. Oh, and I also know a lot of things about this world. I'd explain, but I'm preeeeety sure you don't have televisions......"

She stared at me for a couple of unnerving seconds, then finally decided to start speaking.

"How......? Y'all sound like yer spoutin' nonsense, but somehow I can tell you ain't lyin'. But........ ah wanna be sure 'bout that last bit. If y'all really do know everythin' 'bout us, then tell me somethin' 'bout me that Ah haven't told anypony else." Hmmmmmm....... Well, I could tell her about 28 Pranks Later, where she woke up with her bed in a mud pit with the pigs. But I'm not so sure. What else is there?...........um.........nope, nothing else comes to mind. Mud pit bed, it is.

"Um, well, there is the time where Rainbow Dash pranked you by somehow moving your bed, even though you had a TON of cans on strings hanging around in your room, into the muddy pig pen on your farm, where you woke up with a pig in bed with you. Is that good enough?" The look on her face..........ooh boy.

"......how'd you know that? I didn't tell nopony 'bout that!"

"Like I said, I know a lot of things about this world." She took a few steps back.

"OK, please don't freak out! I'm not hostile, I Pinkie Promise! Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye!" I did the required movements for such a promise, then poked myself in the eyeball.
"AAAUGH! Ow, that fuuuuuuuuuuu......" Kids show, dude. Don't ruin them any more than you probably have.

".......uuuuuuumby-dumbly smarts! The heck was that? Fumbly-dumbly? Are you serious, you idiot?" That last bit I muttered to myself as Applejack stared at me with a small amount of concern, not for my sake, but for her friends' and families' sake. How could that pony have possibly known about that? What would she do? Maybe Twilight could help? Yea, Twi would know what to do!

"Uuuhh, alright. Ah'm gunna go get Twilight, okay, sugarcube? You rest up, and don't try any funny stuff. If y'all really do know all 'bout us, then ya know Big Macintosh won't hesitate to get dirty if he 'as ta. Got it?" I've always been a trustworthy person, at least to me. I should show that, considering I'm outside my own world.

"You can count on me, ma'am." I raised my front hoof to my forehead in a mock salute. She chuckled a little.

"Alright, rest up. I'll be back in a bit." She turned and went to the kitchen. I could hear her talking to her family about me, probably to steer clear or watch out for me. Man, I was tired. My eyes started to close, and I soon fell asleep.

Author's Note

Greetings, readers! Hope you enjoyed this so far, even though it was kinda short. My first fic, after all. Don't worry, I'll add more. Just gotta deal with school and stuff.

I'm probably gonna look back at this and CRINGE......