They Know Not What They Do
Dear Miss S. Serious, Under-Diplomat of Cloudsdale 9,
I hope this missive finds you in good health. As planned during the special session regarding the Hearths Warming laws and how the holiday discriminates against pegasi, the boycott has proceeded smoothly. You will be noticing a halt in weather progression, effectively freezing (no pun intended) Equestria in a permanent state of Hearths Warming with no resolution. This will proceed until talks regarding our equal rights to a popular holiday are resolved. We are confident that the Earth ponies and unicorns will see reason on this matter.
We understand that this may make your job as a local Ponyville diplomat difficult. The establishment would like to remind you that for centuries, pegasus ponies have not been able to enjoy Hearths Warming as countless earthbound ponies have, and have instead been relegated to weather duty to ensure so called ‘white Hearths Warmings’. We have been slaving to ensure happiness for Earth ponies and unicorns whilst being barred from participating in a holiday the entire world enjoys. Outside of the play regarding Equestria's foundation, of course, but recent polls suggest nopony really cares about the play and tend to just learn it in history classes.
Cloudsdale and the Archduchess are resolute on this matter. I do know that earthbound businesses benefit greatly from the increase in sales that arise during this period, but it is unclear if pegasus communities will prosper from this, as we do not produce merchandise at the same scale as the earthbound tribes.
We expect weekly reports on the state of affairs in Ponyville to better gauge the mind-set of the average Equestrian. This will assist us in the negotiation process. Similar requests have been sent to other diplomats and under-diplomats across the nation.
With luck, this affair will take up to three weeks. We are optimistic this will be resolved shortly.
Sincerely,
Minister Angle
Dear Minister Angle
Of course I understand the gravity of the situation, and like many pegasi I am outraged by how the Earth ponies and unicorns have been, effectively, hoarding an entire holiday for their own enjoyment.
I confess I was confused as to how simply stopping the progression of the weather effectively halts the calendar, but after having it explained to me by Pen Pushed I believe I understand the basics. I wasn't aware that the holiday date was so closely tied to the Winter Solstice. I suppose it's yet another case of tradition leaking into our legal system.
I am, however, concerned for many of our own caught in the crossfire of this boycott. Freezing Hearths Warming and preventing it from running its course may lead to undue stress for the many pegasi living in Ponyville (of which there are several, including a local celebrity). I assume you have factored this into your plans?
As for the situation in Ponyville, the atmosphere is still festive. Several ponies are in fact enthusiastic at the prospect of a longer Hearths Warming period. One in particular has distributed vast quantities of mince pies to the populace, and the local farmers have provided a produce called ‘brandy-butter’. The local pegasi have also taken to joining in on the festivities, although I confess I am not sure that the resident Wonderbolt knows what she is doing. I think she mostly just eats the food. This is not unusual among pegasi: it should be remembered that Hearths Warming is not the widespread phenomenon that it is here up in Cloudsdale.
Many family gatherings are taking place as we speak. In fact an entire clan of Earth ponies has arrived and is causing much hubbub. They helped in setting up a large array of lights and other festive decorations across town. My office is not expecting much trouble. In all our time in Ponyville Hearths Warming has been confusing, but not particularly difficult to navigate. Pen Pushed is actually quite enthusiastic about 'getting into the spirit of things'. Scribble Splotch thinks he's being silly.
Sorry if discussing my office workers seems out of context. I think that it may be important that your ministry understands how the boycott is affecting the average pegasus.
Temperature is frigid.
Sincerely,
Under-diplomat Sayonara Serious
Dear S. Serious,
We are aware that the earthbound tribes may use the situation of the pegasi that have established themselves in primarily earthbound tribes to their advantage during the negotiations process. We are prepared for this eventuality.
I confess we had not factored in the exposure a celebrity such as a Wonderbolt might bring. Rest assured we will adjust our strategies accordingly.
And by all means, do send me your thoughts on your workers. I may in fact contact them for their own reports, but I'm still interested in hearing your assessment as their employer.
Please continue to keep the ministry up to date.
Minster Angle
Dear Minister Angle
One week into the boycott, and I think effects have started to become increasingly noticeable. Whilst the mood is still somewhat high, I detect a level of fatigue that has arisen among the ponies here. Except for Pen Pushed. He's still quite bombastic about it all and has taken to wearing strange red hats with white bobbles on them. I have seen several of these hats circulate among the populace.
An event that warrants investigation was the matter of food poisoning among the Earth ponies. My office has in fact conducted an independent investigation into the matter and it turns out that mince pies are actually horrible.
This was a revelation that caused considerable upset among the pegasi working in my office. They’re just sort of fruity and raisin-y and the outside pastry is dry and crumbly. It’s like eating the worst fruits and the worst type of pastry combined into one nauseating package. What is alarming is how long it takes for this revelation to settle in. I myself ate no less than three before I realised what I had done.
The local farmers suggested that they’re better when taken with a measure of spiced wine. Whilst it is true that this resulted in a more positive experience, our scientist suggest that this generates a positive feedback look of poor dietary choices, where the increased consumption of wine causes more mince pies to be taken, leading once again to more wine.
Needless to say, it was an unproductive day in Ponyville the next morning. I am electing to say it anyway for the record, though. It was an unproductive day in Ponyville the next morning. The effects of the food on the populace are questionable at best.
The local Wonderbolt still doesn’t seem to know what she’s doing. This may, however, be due to her having eaten fifteen of the mince pies, and a proportional amount of mulled wine. The princess has quarantined her to the castle until the effects wear off.
Ponies in costumes have been sighted across Ponyville, particularly wearing red robes and beards (a sort of Starswirl reference?) and for some reason, elves. The elves are wearing tights which leave, somehow, even less to the imagination than previously, which is surprising considering that, as a species, we are not prone to wearing clothes. A question for the science division, no doubt.
Temperature is still frigid. Splotch has started wearing sweaters to combat the cold. She's been complaining about them itching.
Sayonara Serious
Dear Miss Serious,
We have received similar reports from across Equestria, and it has caused something of a stir among the ministry here in Cloudsdale.
The Starswirl reference warrants investigation. Please find a way to shed some light on the matter as soon as possible. If a link to pegasus culture can be found, this may help us argue that we have a cultural stake in Hearths Warming.
We will ensure the science division have a team look into the matter of the tights. Please stand by.
As Pen Pushed appears to be deep into the holiday 'spirit', I will contact him for separate reports. I will still hope you will give your opinion on his behaviour, however.
Thank you for your information.
Sincerely,
Minister Angle
Dear Angle,
Ponyville is now two weeks into the boycott. Cracks have begun to form among the populace and tensions are rising. Several pegasi working on the weather team have gone to stay with family in Cloudsdale, with only a handful of exceptions.
For the better part of the week, the local farmpony (of the name Applejack) has been dressed up as a bearded pony wearing red and has been taking requests for gifts from fillies and colts. When questioned, she replied that she was ‘Father Hearths Warming’. Evidence of a pony on the edge of sanity, for sure.
This is no doubt due to the disruption the presence of her entire family in Ponyville has caused her. Her home is apparently unliveable, and she takes every possible opportunity to be in Ponyville away from the farm. This is in stark contrast to her typical behaviour. She normally only rarely shirks away from working on her farm.
The local party-pony was also taken ill after mince pie consumption. As a result, the Mayor declared a temporary emergency measure banning the production of mince pies. Mulled wine is also carefully regulated until the crisis is over.
Several strange types of elk have been sighted across town, and caused a strange panic among the ponies here. The local animal caretaker (a fellow pegasus, for the record) has been attempting to keep them under control with lowering levels of success.
The lights and decorations have led, we believe, to an increase in migraines and visual disturbances. The festive music has also begun to grate on ponies nerves. Speaking of lights, Pen Pushed's hats have become more extravagant. They now have stars on them that light up. When I asked him about it, he replied that it was 'more festive' that way.
Temperature is a little more frigid than usual. Splotch's sweaters have changed. Her taste in clothes hasn't typically been bad, so I do find it strange that her choice in sweaters has become 'questionable'. She doesn't appear to be aware of this.
In other news, the wonderbolt has broken quarantine and is loose upon Ponyville. So far there have been no casualties and we assume the effects of the mince pies has worn off. She does still look a little queasy though, even though it's been quite a while.
Sincerely,
Sayonara Serious
Dear Miss Serious,
This is of course very interesting, but we were hoping to see more effects due to the weather. It was anticipated that freezing the weather in a state of permanent almost-Hearths Warming would be the major source of discomfort for the ponies in the town. Frankly, the reports we have been receiving have been discouraging to the ministry, as it indicates that ponies are less susceptible to our boycott than we had originally hoped. Several new plans and approaches are being drafted, but there is not much we can do if the only party causing discomfort to the earthbound tribes are the earthbound tribes themselves.
The Archduchess is concerned. I understand that this is through no fault of your own, although any information you can provide on the effects of the weather would be greatly appreciated.
I understand that things are getting harder in Ponyville. Rest assured I'm dedicated to providing support when needed, so if something is wrong just let me know.
On the subject of your workers, I have received reports from Pen Pushed regarding hats that have caused me concern. How many hats have you seen him wear?
Minister Angle
PS: the science team is unsure what the deal with tights is, but we've determined that it's virtually impossible to move properly in them and they're really hard to remove. We have relegated the task to the philosophy division as to why ponies seem to appreciate them. They believe some fundamental truth of the universe is contained within tights and wants to study them more. Also the theatre division is quite taken with them, particularly the pink ones. Sorry I can't be of more help.
Dear Minister Angle
I’m sorry to hear things haven’t been progressing as smoothly as anticipated. I will endeavour to fill in the blanks regarding how the weather has been affecting life in Ponyville.
Food supplies are virtually unchanged, although it should be noted that a larger degree of winter foods are being served. Oats, potatoes, asparagus, spinach, Brussel sprouts, and pak choi are among the foods consumed in Ponyville. Whilst there is an increasing level of irritation at the available vegetables, it is unclear whether this is to do with the vegetables themselves or the how the earthbound ponies are cooking them. I for one am rather enjoying the asparagus.
Winter wear is also a frequent must. I cannot speak for the majority of Ponyville, but I am aware that at least one unicorn has become frustrated with the lack of variety in the current fashion trends.
This is the extent of my observations. Also, thanks for informing me on the science team’s lack of progress. I will ask an expert about tights later.
Regarding Pushed, I can only recall seeing four different hats. By the way, the one he has now has some sort of coniferous tree on it? Perhaps you have some info on this?
Temperature frigid.
Sincerely,
Serious
Dear Serious,
This is helpful. It still likely will put us in a poor negotiating position, but I thank you for your help regardless.
Regarding Pushed, I couldn't tell you about the coniferous tree motif. Perhaps it's traditional?
Also, we don’t get that many asparagus up in Cloudsdale. What do you do with them, typically?
Angle
Dear Angle,
I quite like frying them with garlic and some herbs and serving them with a mix of other vegetables and lentils. I actually have some asparagus growing in my garden. I’ll send some up with this letter.
Also, not a motif. An actual coniferous tree.
Sincerely,
Serious
Dear Miss Serious,
Thank you for the asparagus. I’ll definitely try frying them as you suggested. Do feel free to write outside of boycott business. I always enjoy getting letters from you.
A real tree?
Angle
Dear Angle,
I will, don't worry. I'm glad you're understanding about how things are in Ponyville, and I'm sure you're making a difference in Cloudsdale.
Yes, a real tree. He's been tying shiny balls to it. I've not seen the earthbound tribes wear trees on their heads. Is this normal in other areas?
Sayonara
Dear Sayonara
No, the tree isn't normal. Typically they stay inside the living room, not on ponies’ heads. I'd recommend questioning your other worker, Splotch. Also, thanks for understanding my position in Cloudsdale. It's not been easy trying to put our hoof down for pegasus-kind.
Dear Angle,
I’m afraid Ponyville has reached something of a breaking point. Applejack is nowhere to be seen and her family are running rampant across Ponyville, unable to leave until Hearths Warming is complete. The fifteenth re-run of the Hearths Warming play has received damning reviews and I’ve just received my third pamphlet advertising a Hearths Warming sale in the past hour.
Commercialism has become overwhelmingly omnipresent and it’s frankly driving me insane. There has been a fifty-percent off sale at Quills and Sofas for the past month now. The constant jingling of bells has my office on a razor’s edge and I’ve received dozens of requests from our local pegasi (except, incidentally, the local Wonderbolt) to cease the boycott.
It appears that the caretaker is at her wits end taking care of all these ‘reindeer’. I for one am puzzled as to why reindeer have anything to do with the unification of the three tribes.
Research suggests that this holiday is supposed to bring ponies together. Thus far I do not see any evidence of this, and it is causing me to question our approach into this matter.
Is this level of chaos not, to some degree, unethical? I know that being denied this holiday was blatant discrimination against our kind, but I cannot help but wonder whether destruction on this scale is the right way forwards.
Splotch has indicated that she does not know why Pushed was wearing a tree on his head. I should also report that Pushed has evolved from wearing a tree to being disguised as the tree, again on the grounds that this makes the office more 'festive'. Additionally, Splotch's sweaters have become increasingly worse, and when questioned, she insists she 'doesn't know what happened' and 'were like that when she found them'. She then burst into tears.
Temperature is still bloody frigid.
Also, how were the asparagus?
Love,
Sayonara
Dear Sayonara,
Quills and Sofas has a sale on?
Angle
Dear Angle,
Yes, fifty percent off, as stated previously. Any comment on Splotch's sweaters or Pushed pretending to be a tree? He keeps saying nothing is festive enough. That we need 'more cheer'. Not sure what we should do? My instinct is more motivational posters. Perhaps one of a cat? I get the feeling that's not the kind of festive he wants.
Sayonara
Dear Sayonara,
Thanks for the info. Will put in an order for three large sofas and an extra shipment of quills for my office. Do you want anything? It's cheaper to buy in bulk.
Regarding your workers, frankly I have no clue on how to respond. Perhaps psychiatric help? There may also be a fashion expert in town who can assist Splotch.
Angle
Dear Angle,
No thank you, I've already bought three crates of quills. I go through them like crazy.
Pushed has not reappeared in the office. Will wait a while and may contact law enforcement. Have sent Splotch to the Carousel Boutique.
Life in the office I guess.
Sayonara
Dear Sayonara,
Cloudsdale has been rocked by a recent interview with the Wonderbolt residing in Ponyville. The ministry is unsure how to respond. I’ve included a transcript below.
“Hello. You’re the Wonderbolt Dash, is that correct?”
“Nah, today I’m Father Hearths Warming.”
“Pardon?”
“Father Hearths Warming. It’s an Earth pony thing. I’m doing it for a buddy. She's normally Father Hearths Warming every year but since this one has gone on a bit longer than usual...”
“What is Father Hearths Warming?”
“He’s some pony that lives in the Crystal Empire. Or, like, the bit of the Crystal Empire that was there before the Crystal Empire rocked up. Now I guess he's evicted.”
“What does he do?”
“Dunno, really. AJ explained it to me once but I wasn’t really paying attention. I think he breaks into ponies homes?”
“What? Why?”
“He leaves stuff there and eats their food.”
“But… why?”
“It’s traditional or something. He also has all these elves wearing tights do stuff for him.”
“Elves? Tights?”
“Yeah. They’re like a slave force, yeah? Also tights are awesome. Can't move in them, but you should see my buddy wearing them. It just does something to a pony, y'know?”
“In Cloudsdale we don’t have that. Well, we have tights, I guess. Wonderbolt uniforms.”
“Yeah, I know, but those are different and more like body-suits anyway. Stuff makes sense up there. But hey, AJ was all like ‘please, I can’t do this anymore, just take the beard and help me’ and I’m like, hey, whatever, how hard can it be?”
“AJ?”
“Yeah. She’s hiding in my house. Please don’t tell her family.”
“What are your thoughts on stopping the boycott? There are calls to stop this on the grounds that it’s inhumane.”
“What? No! If you do that AJ’ll leave! This is the best Hearths' Warming ever!”
As you can imagine, this has caused an upset among the pegasi. Given your proximity to the town, I was hoping to get your input.
Asparagus were delicious, by the way. I was wondering if the next time you were in Cloudsdale, we could get a bite to eat somewhere? A place that doesn’t serve mince pies, perhaps?”
Angle
PS: I've begun receiving letters from a 'Daddy Warming'. Do you know anything about this?
Dear Angle,
I’m as shocked as you are to hear about the nature of this ‘Father Hearths Warming’. Armed with this information, I’ve investigated and found him to be a tool for commercialisation and enabling cheap sales. It’s actually quite frightening to see our earthbound cousins manipulated by this figure.
In other news, I’ve been forced to permanently close the shutters of my office. The Hearths Warming lights have been giving me visual disturbances. I’ve even had to send one of my ponies to the doctor. Naturally this has made the town turn on the Apple clan due to their involvement in setting up the lights.
This is the fourth week of Hearths Warming, for the record.
Also, I would love to go to Cloudsdale for a meal. Anything is better than being in Ponyville right now. Hearths Warming has ruined the place, and the frigid temperatures don’t help.
Love,
Sayonara
PS: Daddy Warming is probably spam.
Dear Sayonara
I’m glad to hear that. Also, no need to call me Angle. Feel free to call me Acute.
Love,
Acute Angle
I bet you are a cute <3
Sayonara
Well, I try.
Acute
Acute,
Daddy Warming is Pen Pushed. Please be careful, it looks like this holiday has pushed him over the edge! We've sent Applejack and Rainbow Dash to find him and get him the help he needs but if he's gone to Cloudsdale you might be in danger!
Law enforcement are investigating his house now.
Stay safe,
Sayonara
Dear Sayonara,
Seriously? I've received almost two dozen letters from him asking what I want for Hearths Warming. What happened?
I've told the Cloudsdale guard about it and they've set up a watch on my house. Thanks for the warning, but please remember to be careful yourself.
Acute
Dear Acute,
I don't know. The doctors think the flashing lights and jingling music made him go crazy. His house was just so full of hats, tinsel and coniferous trees, and the music was on full blast. He had diagrams of every house in Ponyville, and the only things in his fridge were mulled wine and mince pies. Splotch is in a bad way, too. Every sweater she wears just turns awful. It looks like she's wearing curtains! Very old curtains. Rarity can't explain it. Every sweater in Ponyville is becoming horrible!
This is a nightmare.
Every now and then, when it's night-time, I think I can hear something laughing outside. It's just saying 'ho-ho-ho' over and over again. I think I'm going crazy too.
Sayonara
Sayonara
You're not crazy! Lock your doors! The ho-ho-ho is Daddy Warming! He wrote it in all his letters!
Realised that. Was a close encounter. Rainbow Dash saved me by tackling Pushed. Applejack held him down and applied a pair of restraining tights. The science division was right: it's very difficult to move in them.
Pen Pushed has been taken to the hospital.
This has been so frightening.
Sayonara
Dear Sayonara
I'm just glad to hear you're safe.
Acute
Dear Acute
There’s riots in the streets after ponies heard what happened to Pushed and Splotch. Ponies have been forcibly tearing the decorations down and Fluttershy burst into tears about the reindeer ruining her house. She’s currently staying with a friend, although we’ve offered to compensate her for the damages, as I felt it was the least the pegasus government could do.
Honestly, sometimes I just look outside and wonder ‘what have we done?’
Are we bad ponies for doing this? Also, I can no longer organise my office due to the overwhelming amount of ads that have made their way into my possession. I don’t know how to stop them. I've got to wear earplugs to keep the jingling out. I don't want to end up like Pushed. None of us do.
I just feel like I could use some support and I don't know who else to turn to. Who knew a single holiday could bring about so much madness?
Sayonara
Sayonara,
I’ve talked to the Archduchess about your latest report. I could arrange to have you return to Cloudsdale and send a temporary replacement?
The last thing we want is for you to get hurt. It’s the last thing I want.
Acute
Dear Acute
I feel I need to stay here. I’m a part of this and I should see it through.
Pushed seems to be recovering, but I've sent him to Cloudsdale away from all the Hearths Warming 'cheer'. He doesn't need to suffer with me or the other earthbound ponies.
I've sent you some more asparagus. Gardening is the only way I can relax these days, despite the cold.
I’ve discovered that the pony Fluttershy is staying with is Rarity, who has fortified her boutique against Hearths Warming. She has soundproofed her building and closed all shutters. Numerous ponies are seeking refuge there, but there are too many refugees for her to handle. Splotch managed to make it into the Boutique, though, so she's safe. All her sweaters are ruined, though.
I know my orders are to enforce the boycott, but I just want to help them.
As an aside, the temperature is frigid.
Sayonara
Sayonara,
If you want to help them, please do so. I’m receiving reports from across Equestria and the chaos they’re going through is utterly cruel. If the ministry gives you trouble, I’ll cover for you.
Glad to hear Splotch made it out okay. I'll have the best doctors take care of Pushed. What happened to him wasn't right.
I feel responsible to a degree for my ministry having let this boycott go ahead. We should have known better than to meddle in forces we didn't understand.
Thanks for the asparagus.
Acute
Dear Acute,
Don't eat the asparagus! Before he got cornered, Pen Pushed put mince pies in the water! The food is no longer safe!
He probably ground the mince pies up and scattered them on my garden patch! All the food is making a strange jingling sound and lots of ponies have begun wearing strange hats!
Please destroy the asparagus and stop the epidemic from spreading to Cloudsdale! We don't know how long this could last!
Twilight has declared a state of emergency and is working towards getting relief from nearby Fillydelphia. Wheatland enterprises have a lot of food stockpiled. Hopefully we'll get through this.
Dear Sayonara,
Acknowledged. Burning asparagus.
Have sent an emergency report to the Archduchess. This madness needs to end. I can barely look at myself in the mirror and justify myself any more.
Acute
PS: I didn't burn them in an 'I can't cook' way
Dear Sayonara,
The Archduchess has reviewed my reports on the boycott and has presented them to the pegasus congress. It is her decision that in order to protect pegasus interests it is vital to keep the Hearths Warming holiday as far away from Cloudsdale as possible.
We are ceasing all boycott operations and returning the weatherponies to their traditional roles. Hearths Warming will proceed.
I am sorry for springing this policy change on you, but the Archduchess informs me that Celestia was dangerously close to accepting and signing a major bill that would enforce Hearths Warming onto Cloudsdale.
Celestia was very understanding, and seemed as surprised as we were that the holiday was the source of this much chaos.
I’m sorry this letter is all business, but this is quite important. I understand that this will likely be good news for you, and a good day for all Equestrians.
Angle
Dear Angle
I completely understand. Mood in Ponyville is lifting, for the record. I’ve decided that I’m not particularly comfortable seeing this holiday through, given my involvement, so I’m taking the day off and returning to Cloudsdale.
Hoping to see you there?
Still feel a bit queasy from the mince pie epidemic, but I think it'll all clear up once I get to see you.
Sayonara
Dear Sayonara
I’ll book a reservation at Cutlery’s Cuisine for Hearths Warming, then.
I think this whole episode should be a lesson to us for wanting something that will bring us nothing but harm. We should have been more cautious before opening this Pandora’s box. We almost brought something terrible upon the pegasus ponies.
I just hope I can learn to forgive myself. I'm reviewing our ethics portfolio and preparing to issue a nationwide apology for our part in preventing Hearths Warming from ending.
Dear Acute,
I was always told that Hearths Warming was about bringing ponies together. Whilst everything I have witnessed is evidence to the contrary, at least I feel it has brought us together.
I look forward to meeting you on the day of Hearths Warming, then. Hopefully we can put this dark period of pegasus history behind us.
I honestly can’t wait to get out of Ponyville and somewhere less frigid.
Sayonara
Dear Sayonara,
ho
HO
ho
merry hearths warming
; )
Author's Note
I don't actually like Christmas that much. I mostly just end up drinking lots and avoiding eating mince pies.
I am a fan of asparagus, though. Good winter veg.
What would you do if the Christmas period never ended? I know I'd go ballistic. Post your answers below!
