THE REPLACER REPLACES THE MANE 6

by Chadbane

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Crossover, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Main 6
Length: 1888

The Replacer is sent to Equestria to take the places of our favorite ponies.

You see a man in a suit standing in front of you, staring intensely at the folder in your hands. You say nothing as you pass by him and slip the folder into his pocket. From there, you head towards your car without looking back. You don't need to worry about anything anymore. It's okay. You've been replaced; by him...

The REPLACER.

It is recommended that you view source material before you begin reading this story: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y2oI864Nd3Q

Published 2020-03-09 19:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2020-03-09 19:00:01 UTC

The Replacer

You see a handsome man pull up to the camera in a fancy orange and black sports car, and naturally you're confused. A fair reaction; This is a story, after all—a story with no pictures. But the handsome stranger pulls up to the camera nonetheless, dressed neatly from head to foot in a signature black suit. At this point you probably realize this isn't going to be your average story. And you're right. That's because the storyteller isn't here. He's been replaced...

By me. The Replacer.

*Unsettling signature smile.*

Don’t worry. He’s alright. He’s quietly enjoying some Call of Duty: Black Ops 6, complete with brand new weapons and an all new warzone map for you hopeless battle royale fans. But I’m not here to talk about that. Call of Duty is old news. And though I must admit I am a little disappointed, it isn’t hard to see why. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic season 9 is out, which means choosing how you spend your free time just became a whole lot harder.

Luckily for you, I’m on the job; so you can forget all about the traffic, paperwork, and deadlines in your life. The Replacer is here, and there isn’t a job too large or too small for me to handle. Don’t believe me? *Chuckle* Well, let's see who we got here...

Author's Note

This story got delayed due to real life circumstances. It was originally set to be released prior to the release of MLP:FIM Season 9 and the Alcatraz map in Call of Duty Black Ops 4. So please excuse some of the outdated references!

Pinkie Pie

Sugar Cube corner was on fire. At least, that is what Mr. and Mrs. Cakes thought when they saw smoke arising from the other side of town. The two were on their way home from a grocery trip, so when they saw the smoke arising from their bakery, they quickly dropped their goods and hurried back to their business as fast as they possibly could to investigate the cause. By the time they rushed into the bakery and stumbled into the kitchen, the entire building was filled with smoke.

"Heavens to Celestia!" Mrs. Cakes coughed as she and her husband shooed away the smoke. "What in Equestria is going on in here, Pinkie Pie?!"

To the Cake's surprise, the smoke cleared only to reveal a strange bipedal creature aiming a fire extinguisher at a blazing inferno inside the oven. Mr. and Mrs. Cakes froze as the creature put out the fire. When he was finished, the bipedal creature carelessly discarded the fire extinguisher over his shoulder and leaned forward to get a better look inside the oven.

"That," he said calmly. "Is one way to frost a cup cake."

Mr. and Mrs. Cakes watched in disbelief as the creature wiped his hands on the pink apron he was wearing and reached into the oven to retrieve a disintegrated mess of what appeared to have once been cupcakes. No doubt the tray was very hot, for no sooner had the creature touched the tray, he dropped it onto the floor, cursing to himself angrily as he flailed his hands in the air. When had had a few moments to suck on his fingers, the creature quickly retrieved a pair of oven mitts from a nearby kitchen drawer and scooped up what remained of the cupcakes to put on the counter to cool. By the time most of mess had been scooped off the ground, what remained of the cupcakes could hardly be called cupcakes at all. Nonetheless, the creature gave a contented sigh as he set the last of the cupcakes on the counter.

"Ain't that a thing of beauty?" said the creature to himself proudly as he nodded approvingly at his work.

The Cake's exchanged confused glances.

"I'm almost afraid to ask..." Mr. Cakes sighed, clearly not amused with the whole event. "But just who are you supposed to be, mister?"

The creature slowly turned around and gazed at the ponies over his shoulder.

"Me? Why, Mr. Cakes..." the creature quickly wheeled around to show off the pink apron he was wearing with a certain mare's signature cutie mark on it. "I'm Pinkie Pie, of course!"

The two ponies stared blankly at the creature in confusion. After a few moments of awkward silence, the creature reached into his pocket and produced a handful of glitter—which he immediately threw into the air while adding theatrically: "wooOOooo~!"

Mr. and Mrs. Cakes exchanged glances once again. At this, the creature quickly recomposed himself and cleared his throat.

"I understand that this may be a bit of a surprise for you pastel-colored, pretty-pink ponies; but there's no reason for alarm. You see, for all intents and purposes of operating this business as a functioning capitalist enterprise per your employees instructions, I am Pinkie Pie. Or rather, I have become Pinkie Pie. You understand, of course."

At this, Mr. Cakes frowned.

"Now look here, mister; I don't know what kind of game you're playing, but we don't have time for this sort of thing right now! Now where is Pinkie Pie? She's supposed to be filling out a huge order right now!"

"Already taken care of, Mr. Cakes." The creature said, proudly. He produced a paper in his hand and handed it to the distraught couple with a smile. "I've completed every one of your employees tasks with the speed and efficiency of a lighting strike attack. You will find as your employees Replacer that I am more than capable of handling any situation."

Mr. Cakes took the paper from the "Replacer" and looked it over.

"You completed all of this while we were gone?" the tall lanky stallion asked with an upraised brow. "Forgive my saying so, but judging by the state of those cupcakes over there, I find that very hard to believe."

The Replacer slowly turned to look at the cupcakes on the counter top behind him.

“I will admit I may have left them in the oven a bit longer than I intended to...”

“A bit?! You practically incinerated every one of them!” Mrs. Cakes shouted.

“Just a slight learning curve, Mrs Cakes.” The man assured her with a nod. “Should be ironed out by the third batch or so.”

“Third batch?!” Mr. Cakes exclaimed. “Now hold on just a minute there, buster! We Cakes are forgiving folk by nature, but we sure as heck aren’t dumb! Now, if you think we’re gonna let you within a ten mile radius of this kitchen ever again, you’ve got another thing coming!”

The man staid nothing for a short time. After a few minutes of awkward silence, the man cleared his throat and leaned over to whisper in Mr. Cakes ear.

"I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that," he whispered calmly.

Mr. Cakes said nothing in a stunned, unaltered silence as the Replacer gave one of his signature smiles. He probably would have stood there in bewilderment all day if it weren't for the sound of creaking furniture moving on the floor above them.

"Honey cakes? Did you hear that?" Mr. Cakes asked almost fearfully.

"It sounds like it came from upstairs!" his wife replied, equally fearful.

"Nothing to worry about, Mrs. Cakes." The Replacer replied, maintaining his signature smile. "That's just the sound of the children of tomorrow dreaming away."

His grin grew ever-slightly wider upon making that reference. But Mr. and Mrs. Cakes only exchanged expressions of horror and exclaimed; "THE BABIES!"

Before the Replacer could say anything to stop them, Mr. and Mrs. Cakes had vanished up the stairs. The Replacer sighed, removed his apron, and followed suit.

Meanwhile, upstairs at the door to the children bedroom, Mr. and Mrs. Cakes pushed against the door.

"WE'RE COMING, BABIES!" Mrs. Cakes screamed hysterically as she and her husband continued to push against the door.

"What are you two crazy ponies up to now?" The Replacer asked in more annoyance than concern.

Both parents turned to the Replacer and frowned.

"You open this door right now, buster!" Mr. Cakes screamed at the man in the suit. "Or so help me I will BUCK you so hard you'll fly through a window in Princess Celestias palace!"

The Replacer sighed and scooted the two ponies aside. Then, after backing up a foot or two, he lunged forward with his leg and kicked the door off its hinges.

"After you," he droned in false politeness.

Mr. and Mrs. Cakes hurried inside and rushed over to their children's cribs. To their surprise, they found the children undisturbed--save for the fact that each was wearing an enormous GAS MASK.

“And people say Tactical Mask is one of the most useless perks.” The Replacer chuckled. “****ing noobs.”

“Tactical mask?!" Mr. Cakes exclaimed in disbelief. "What on earth were you thinking?! They’re less than two years old!”

"Consider it an early developmental skill, Mr. Cakes.” The Replacer replied, cooley. “You can never start too early. Just join any Black Ops lobby—you’ll see what I’m talking about.”

“Lobby?!” Mr. Cakes sounded like he could barely contemplate the words.

“I think this is where I throw some more balloons.” The Replacer said. He reached into his back pocket and proceeded to withdraw a small a piece of paper. “By the way, this for you guys. Consider it a care package.”

Mrs. Cake took the piece of paper reluctantly from the Replacers hand and looked it over.

“Is this... is this a bill?!”

“Party cannons don’t come cheap, Mrs. Cakes.” The man said with an impatient smile. “Especially the hot pink\ ones. You’d be surprised how few color options they give you in the shop.”

Mrs. Cakes looked like her head was about to explode.

"Pinkie Pie never charged us for her babysitting services!"

Now, for the first time, the Replacer was completely stunned into unadulterated silence. After a few moments, he cleared his throat and said in a shaky voice: "Then how the **** does she pay for all these balloons?”

Fluttershy

Fluttershy's cottage was in a state of complete and utter chaos. Animals of all shapes and sizes were running loose with no form of supervision present whatsoever. In the midst of the uproar sat the Replacer on Fluttershy's favorite couch, filing his fingernails. He took little to no notice of the commotion taking place around him save for the presence of a snow-white bunny that had come back to pester him about lunch for the ninth time.

"What?" The Replacer glared as the bunny tugged at his slacks.

Angel Bunny frowned and held up a cook book that was turned to a page with a fancy salad.

"I already made you a salad." The Replacer explained, intensely.

The bunny shook his head violently and pointed aggresively at a cherry on top of the salad. The Replacer glanced from the picture to the salad he had made sitting on the table in the background. The salad's looked exactly the same save for the single cherry on top of the salad.

The Replacer composed himself and smiled angrily at the bunny before bursting into action.

"Come here, you little sh**!"

Author's Note

More chapters will be added periodically. All future chapters will be longer than this one!