Doctor Derpy

by Green Gale

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other, Derpy Hooves, Slice of Life
Length: 2367

To finish her workday, Derpy must deliver a letter personally to Doctor Horse at Ponyville Hospital. According to her, the best way to find a doctor is thinking like one.

A basket full of muffins awaits Derpy at home, but to enjoy it, she has to deliver each and every one of her letters. Her last letter has to be delivered personally to a pony in a place she had visited many times, but always on a stretcher: Ponyville hospital.

Published 2017-12-31 00:00:11 UTC
Last updated 2017-12-31 00:00:11 UTC

Doctor Derpy

The sun was already peeping in the streets of Ponyville when the ponies left their homes and set out to do their daily chores. In a few minutes, the streets were filled with the rainbow of pastel ponies that characterized this smiling town. A gray pegasus flew above them. One that had woken up earlier than the rest of the ponies to deliver the mail. Wherever she passed, she was greeted by everypony, except for those who carried fragile objects; they seem to have a problem with the zigzagging flight of Derpy, Ponyville’s number one mailmare.

The rest of the day will be hers as soon as she delivers her last letter. Her belly reminded her with a funny growl what was waiting for her at home. She closed her eyes and visualized it: a basket full of muffins. And it will be hers in a few minutes.

When she opened her eyes, something strange had happened. All Equestria had turned upside down! Now the streets lay on top of her, and her hooves rose to the sky. This could scare a newbie postman, but not the best mailmare in Ponyville. In fact, this weird phenomenon was explained in the book she was writing: The Law of Muffin.

Everything will return to normality as long as she keeps flying to her destination: the hospital, where she has to find Doctor Horse and give him a letter personally.

Derpy flew closer to the hospital’s glass doors and they opened by themselves. She went inside and the door closed… Derpy turned and leaned forward, making the doors open, then she leaned backward and the door closed again. A broad smile spread across her face. She started jumping back and forth making the doors open and close, open and close. The fun lasted until a stunning smell got into her nose and made her sneeze, as did her reflection on the doors, which made her laugh even more.

Play time is over; she has a letter to deliver. But where could Doctor Horse be? The hospital was almost as big as the town hall. Maybe someone here can help her.

“Doctor Horse go to the operating room. Doctor Horse go to the operating room.”

“Excellent! Thanks, doors,” said Derpy to a funny box above the doors.

With a smile on her face and her golden eyes more focused than ever before, Derpy flew to the operating room. But she stopped when she realized something important. She doesn’t know where it was, and even if she knew, will they let a mailmare in to the operating room?

Derpy wandered around thinking in a solution until she got into an office just as white, and smelly, as the rest of the hospital. She had to rub her muzzle every three seconds so as not to get dizzy with the stinging smell. The office was full of shelves with rare brews and pastry pots. Derpy had to resist the temptation of mix them to make bubbles.

In front of her was a desk and a medical gown over it. She picked it up and saw the label: Doctor Horse.

“With these clothes I can easily get into the operating room and see Doctor Horse,” she said to herself while putting on the gown. The basket of muffins will be hers in less than a second. Her eyes flicked over her reflection in the mirror and a silly giggle escaped her when she saw how funny she looked with two uniforms. But she still needed one more thing to be a real doctor: the doctor’s trunk, used to smell where it hurts.

Now she only needs to walk like one. So she took out of her bag a golden scepter topped with the head of Twilight Sparkle and used it as a cane while limping around the office.

Now she does look like a real Doctor!

It was time to go find the doctor, but there was a plate full of candy that had both of Derpy’s eyes under its control. Nopony will complain if she eats some… Derpy put the trunk on a candy and smelled that it tasted like cherry, eared that it was red, and tasted that it sounded like the sea. Good, the trunk works.

Derpy sat down and ate all kind of candies until a knock on the door made her turn around. They were Rarity and her little sister, Sweetie Belle, who whined and rubbed her irritated, green eyes.

“Derpy?” asked Rarity surprised. “What are you doing here?”

“I-I’m the doctor, see the label?”

“You mean her assistant, right?”

“Oh yes, I’ve helped a lot of doctors, like thirteen I guess.”

Rarity put a hoof on her sister’s back. “See, Sweetie,” she said in a soft tone, “our friend Derpy will be here with us.”

Sweetie looked to Derpy, who waved a hoof and smiled with a rainbow of candies as teeth. “I don’t care. I don’t want a shot!”

“A shot!?” Derpy kicked the chair away from the desk and threw herself under it armed with a lollipop as a spear. Nopony will get near her flank with an evil syringe. Nopony!

Sweetie Belle covered herself with the curls of her sister’s tail. “I wanna go home, Rarity!”

“Nopony will receive a shot today, right, doctor?” Rarity winked an eye at Derpy.

“Really? Thank Celestia!” Derpy came out from under the desk. “Let’s get into business then. Come here, Sweetie, and tell Doctor Derpy where it hurts.”

Sweetie Belle quivered as she limped to Derpy. Derpy took her little hoof on hers to examine it more closely. She had a small lump on it… interesting. Derpy put the trunk close to the lump and inhaled with all the strength of her lungs, making the marshmallow sisters flinch.

Derpy took off her trunk and set it on the table, but stood in complete silence.

Rarity bit her hoof. “Is it serious, doctor?”

Derpy tried to find the strength to meet Rarity’s wet eyes. She took a deep breath and said, “Rarity… Your sister… She has an illness so serious that kisses and a belly-rub can’t do a thing. Sweetie Belle has… Filly Hoof. If we don’t do something fast it may turn into… Mare Hoof.” Derpy looked to her own hooves trying to hold back the tears “Why it always happens to the best of us?”

The unicorns exchanged confused looks.

“Er, can we do something…?” asked Rarity.

“I think you should take her to Princess Celestia.” Derpy gave the plate with candies to Sweetie Belle. The little filly forgot everything about her hoof and plunged her head into the plate as her sister lifted an eyebrow at Derpy.

Another set of knocks came from the door, so soft that they heard like if a butterfly had hit the door.

“Oh, hi. Do I interrupt something?”

“Fluttershy? What are you doing here? Is everything okay?”

“Oh, I’m fine, Rarity. I just came here to pick some things… if you don’t mind– Derpy!?”

“Doctor Derpy,” said Derpy. Fluttershy gave her a prescription with everything she needed.

Instead of letters, it had scribbles that looked like the job of a two-months-old filly, or Derpy’s. No matter how hard she tried, Derpy couldn’t decipher the content. But some of these scribbles had the shape of letters. This one on the corner looked like a muffin! Focus, Derpy. Let see here… Hormones… Testosterone… peni–.

Derpy eyes widened as her mouth fell. She double checked… Celestia! Fluttershy… A kindly pegasus like her… There must be some mistake. But the more Derpy thought about it, more pieces fit on the four-piece puzzle – those with eight pieces are just too hard. Her manly voice a year ago, her aggressiveness that heavenly day when rained chocolate, the monster Dinky saw under her bed last night. Everything fits! Not even all the years Derpy spent in Celestia’s school for gifted unicorns studying medicine prepared her for such a delicate operation to an equally delicate mare.

But Derpy can’t talk about this with a filly listening, and she still has a letter to deliver and a basket of muffins to eat. So she told the ponies to return in ten minutes.

Derpy watched how they walked down the hall until Applejack crossed with them. “Howdy, girls, here for the biggun?”

“Actually, I just came to take some things Zecora and I need; tusk scraping, horn oil, penicillin and some medicines.”

Derpy limped by the group of ponies helped by her cane in search of the operating room. Where could it be? At least she knows something for sure, the operating room is in the hospital. That’s an advance. She sat down next to a patient to think, however, some strange moans don’t let her concentrate.

“The cable… cable… ca…” repeated the old stallion through a funny elephant mask.

The cable? Derpy looked down and saw she had sat on a cable connected to a machine next to the stallion. That wise stallion must be trying to tell her she has to follow the cable to reach the operating room. She followed it, unplugged it and looked inside of the machine. But she only received an electric shock that bristled all the hairs of her golden mane and tail.

“This doesn’t look like a map to the operating room.” Derpy turned to the old pony, who was dancing like one of those funny air-dancer sellponies. She was about to dance with him, when she saw another cable in a room next to her. It was connected to a machine that made Beep, Beep as it drew green triangles. Maybe the machine would also draw a muffin… Nope, only triangles.

The machine had a lot of cables connected to a mummy on a bed. Which one of them will show her the way to the operating room? Derpy disconnected the cable to the wall making the triangles turn into a noisy line.

A smile plastered on Derpy’s face. “All straight ahead!”

She came out of the room, but a group of doctors and nurses rushed by her side, almost throwing her to the floor. Derpy trotted through the hallway when the lights flashed. “Somepony should fix that…”

Derpy entered the room in front of her. In half blink, two nurses lined her with green clothes and pushed her inside, where a mare was screaming like if she had sit on a cactus.

It was Mrs. Cake, who was lying with her hind legs open as she screamed out loud and clutched the hoof of her pale husband who seemed to have eaten dozens of Strawberry Cinnamon Cilantro cupcakes.

“What’s the matter, why are you screaming?” Derpy approached Mrs. Cake. “It’s not like you’re having a ba–” When Derpy saw what was going on, she screamed as loud as Mrs. Cake.

“A doctor, we need a doctor!” screamed Derpy until she saw her outfit. She is a doctor! “Nurses in position! We have a life to bring to Equestria.”

“They’re twins!” shouted Mrs. Cake. “And one is comiiing!”

Quick as her hooves let them, Derpy and the nurses get in position to assist the little foal. This will be as easy as take the muffins out of the oven.

“Push!” said the nurses.

“I can see the head!” Derpy gently grabbed the foal’s head and pulled it. Even with gloves, Derpy’s hooves slipped with the viscous liquid that covered the foal.

“Almost there, Doctor!”

The baby started to cry. I was almost there! “Push, mare, push!” shouted Derpy. Mrs. Cake let out a howl. Derpy pulled stronger. And the baby came out!

“It’s a colt.” Derpy wrapped the little colt in some cloths, taking care of his tiny wings. Wings? Oh my… All the time Derpy has lived in Ponyville, she never knew about any relative of the Cakes other than an earth pony…

Derpy’s gaze was reflected in the nurses who looked slyly at Mr. Cake and the baby on his hooves.

“Umm… Honey–”

Mrs. Cake interrupted her husband with a scream and grabbed his hair making him cry. And the baby cried too. Derpy also let out a cry. The nurses looked at her in confusion.

Derpy shrugged. “Solidarity.”

Mrs. Cake breathed as if she had run a marathon. With a cry, she announced the arrival of the second baby. Once again the team get into position and repeated the procedure. This time it was a filly… unicorn filly.

“Cough! Cough! Paternitytestleftwing. Cough!” said a nurse.

Mr. Cake gave the babies to his wife. “Honey, if there’s something I should know, I think this is the time.”

Mrs. Cake hugged her babies. “They’re beautiful.”

A stallion entered the room with her eyes glued to some papers. “How our future mom is doing?” But when he took a look, he realized that that future had already arrived.

“Foalbirth went well, Doctor Horse. We just need to take care of the placenta.”

Derpy’s face brightened. “Doctor Horse, I have a letter for you.” Derpy took off all her clothes, making the doctor frown, and gave him the letter.

Mission accomplished! Now Derpy was free to go home and ate her breakfast. She left the room while the eyes of everypony followed the mailmare that helped with the birth of no one, but two foals. Just before leaving, she found herself once again with her new friends, the magic doors, and an old friend too, Raindrops, who had brought letters for the patients.

The pegasi left the hospital and flied toward the town hall. Derpy’s tummy growled again.

“Haven’t you eaten breakfast yet, Derpy?”

“I’m on my way,” singsong Derpy.

“Why don’t you wait for me and have breakfast together. I only have one letter left.”

“Sure! Where are we going?”

“I have to give it to Ambrosia personally. She must be demolishing a building with dynamite, so we have to be careful!

Derpy smiled. “Don’t be silly. What could go wrong?”

The two pegasi flew over the houses of Ponyville and bounced on the fluffy clouds as they followed their new course. Maybe the work never ends for the mailmares of Ponyville, but neither does the fun.