Physiology of Equus Alicornyus

by GMSeskii

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Nurse Redheart, Twilight Sparkle
Length: 2168

Twilight Sparkle goes in for her first physical after ascending to an alicorn.

Twilight Sparkle goes in for her first physical after ascending to an alicorn.

Nurse Redheart was not prepared for this by any stretch of the imagination.

Written for FanOfMostEverything as part of my 100 Followers 'contest'.

Featured on 12/21/2017 while I was sleeping!. APPARENTLY, I STRUCK GOLD WITH THIS ONE. Woo! Thank you all!

Spanish/Español: https://www.deviantart.com/spaniard-kiwi/art/La-fisiologia-del-equus-alicornyus-937900145 by SPANIARD KIWI

-GM, master of contestants.

Published 2017-12-21 04:00:07 UTC
Last updated 2017-12-21 04:00:07 UTC

Nopony was Prepared for this

Nurse Redheart knew everything was going to go horribly, horribly wrong the moment Twilight Sparkle walked through the door. As a medical professional, she was well practiced in the art of gathering a general understanding of the condition of any patient who walked in the door before any words were exchanged. She could tell if they felt great, average, poor, sick, or even mildly depressed. She had a sharp eye for symptoms of common diseases, especially pony pox, and knew to grab the mask on the counter quickly if there were signs of anything particularly nasty.

Needless to say, Redheart not only noticed the wings, she noticed that the wings were larger than any normal pegasus' should be. Twilight's horn was also a little more pointed, her figure slightly more firm, and she was noticeably taller than Redheart remembered. The purple pony no longer matched any medical norm Redheart could think of.

Twilight awkwardly stretched out her right wing. "Er... Yeah. I'm an alicorn now. Uh... Just try to think of me as a pegasus and a unicorn!"

That's not how this works, your wings aren't normal, your horn isn't normal, nothing about you can be considered normal for any pony race! "Ah, right, of course. Just sit down here. I'll have to go through both procedures, of course." What am I saying? I'm going to have to invent new procedures here! "We'll start with your standard checkup and move to the unicorn-specific first, sound okay?"

"You're taking this better than I thought."

Oh, really? Can you read my mind? I'm screaming in here! "I'm a nurse. I have to stay calm in my job or else things end in disaster. Now, ears up."

Twilight lifted her ears - and her wings.

"...I said ears," Redheart deadpanned. And so it begins.

"I did - oh," Twilight blushed, folding her wings - and her ears - back down.

Redheart raised an eyebrow. Twilight facehooved, trying hard to lift only her ears, but at the moment the wings seemed to be position locked in relation to the ears. She eventually had to put her wings down and hold her ears as far up as she could with her hooves. "Good?"

Redheart smiled. "Yes, perfect." This is quite possibly the worst possible ear angle besides completely closed. She grabbed the otoscope and looked into Twilight's ear. It was significantly difficult to see inside, but she was able to determine the ear was relatively healthy - even if it had a bit too much earwax. The ears took twice as long to examine as they should, but the examination went by without incident.

Let's hope this lasts. She grabbed a light and looked into Twilight's eyes with them. The immense orbs looked back, reflecting a large portion of the light into Redheart's own eyes, making it difficult to see. It was rather sparkly though. Redheart rubbed her eyes and tried to come in from the side, only succeeding in turning the reflecting sparkles into a blinding rainbow.

"Are you okay?" Twilight asked, concerned.

"Yes, fine," Redheart muttered, shaking her head to clear it. "Your eyes have just developed a slight reflective sheen." Slight? Ha! I'm not sure they'd be more reflective if they were made of mirrors! She came at Twilight's eye from the bottom, and this seemed to work. Once again, it took significantly more time than usual, but she was able to get a healthy result.

And, thank Celestia, the nose went by without incident. Nothing up there but regular old disgusting mucus. I've never been so happy to see those pieces of filth. "Okay, Twilight, open your mouth now."

Twilight did so, letting out a childish 'aaaaaah' unbefitting a mare of her age, but Redheart didn't comment. She never did - her patients would do what they wanted and it wasn't her business. She shone the light down the throat, squinting her eyes. The passage seemed slightly wider than it should have been, but everything looked like it was draining correctly and Twilight certainly wasn't having any difficulty or pain with talking. She turned off the light, ready to have Twilight close her mouth. Of course she had to notice that the back of the throat was glowing slightly.

"...Wha ih ih?" Twilight grunted through her open mouth.

"The back of your throat is glowing." Ponyfeathers! Shouldn't have said that!

"Mah wha ih wha?!" Twilight gasped.

"You can close your mouth now."

Twilight closed her mouth and coughed slightly. "My what is what?!"

"Throat. Glowing." Pretty basic stuff here, genius. Unlike what I'm dealing with.

"That can't be good..."

"I don't know," Redheart admitted, grabbing the stethoscope. "We have to listen to see if anything's wrong." Listen to see? Come on Redheart! Make more sense! "Roll onto your back."

This took considerable effort on Twilight's part since the wings were new additions, large, and not happy with being underneath anything. "Uh... How's this...?"

It's lopsided and ugly and makes me want to scream at your wing posture. "Fine for now." She touched the cold stethoscope to Twilight's chest. The moment contact was made, Twilight's horn activated and froze the stethoscope to her coat.

"Augh!" Twilight said, starting to flail, but with a firm hoof usually reserved for surgery patients, Redheart forced her back onto the table. She listened through the frozen stethoscope to the heart and lungs. One was beating erratically, due to fear, but strong. The latter was taking quick, short breaths, happening far faster than any pony should have been even at this fear level. And this was all without mentioning the strange humming.

It sounds like somepony's singing in there.

Redheart removed the stethoscope from her ears, allowing Twilight to remove the frozen bit with her magic. "Well, it all seems fine down there." Lies, lies, lies. "Though I'll probably have to transfer you over to Celestia's doctor to see for sure."

Twilight returned to an upright position. "Oh! Should I just go to him instead? Since, well, this seems to be a bit of trouble..."

Take the ticket out of here and bolt. "No need, I can finish here." Redheart! Idiot! Save yourself! What are you, a Lemming!?

"You sure?" Twilight pushed.

"Definitely. I wouldn't want to chase out one of my patients!" AAAAAARRRRRGHHHHHH!!

"Oh. Well, thank you for putting up with me!"

"No problem at all. I'm going to have to check behind your tail now."

Twilight blushed. "Riiiiiiight..."

Redheart quickly lifted her tail and breathed a sigh of relief. "Everything's normal back here." THANK CELESTIA, LUNA, DISCORD, THE STARS, AND ANY OTHER DEITY THAT MAY BE LISTENING. She lowered the tail, checking the long, hairy appendage itself in the process, and also found nothing abnormal. The blessings just keep coming!

"Stomach now?" Twilight asked, remembering the one regular step they hadn't performed yet.

"Yep," Redheart said, prodding Twilight's stomach with her hoof gently. Nothing was tight, that was a good sign-

Twilight burped, shattering a nearby window.

"...Is that bad?"

Redheart blinked. "If anything that's a sign of great health." And that concerns me. She shook her head. "Okay... Time to move on to the unicorn portion. Extra long horn..." She put on some latex boots on her front hooves and stood up on her hind legs. She delicately reached for the horn, pressing it from both sides. She was expecting something to explode. She was not expecting the wings to shoot straight out, creating a gust of wind that knocked Redheart over.

"Sorry! I'm not used to controlling them yet!"

"Just... Keep them spread out..." Redheart muttered, standing up and going for the horn again. This time, the wings decided they just had to close quickly, but Redheart had enough of her mind about her to stay focused. She kept a firm hold on the horn, pressing it from both sides. She checked the base, rounded the rings, and determined that everything was in order. Ha! Take that, demon wings from the pits of Tartarus! I won! You fooled me once, but never again! She stepped down. "Everything's in order up there, though it does seem more powerful."

"You think so?"

"Yeah." Of course at this point most of my thoughts are screams of rage. "Pegasus portion time!" She grabbed one of the wings, lifting it up - she braced, but nothing happened. She pulled it down, testing the joint. It was healthy and loose, but not very strong, probably from not being used all that much. "You should try flying mo-"

The moment Redheart put the wing at its lowest position, Twilight's horn decided it was go time and shot a laser into the wall, cutting a small round hole in it. Redheart and Twilight stared at the opening.

Redheart, unable to really think at this point, lifted and lowered the wing again, triggering another magical laser bolt. A small smile appeared on her lips the third time. The fourth time Twilight gave her an odd look. "Uh... Redheart?"

"Right, sorry, just experimenting. Your wing is mostly healthy, though I have no idea what the laser is about. Next wing!" She giggled slightly. She grabbed the other wing, lifted it up, and lowered it down. Twilight's front left hoof reacted, lifting up and smashing into the ground, cracking it. Redheart stared in disbelief. Earth. Pony. Strength. She facheooved. "Oh for the... I'll have to test your earth pony attribute as well. Give me a second." She lifted the wing up and down one more time just to check that it was operating as expected (as expected as such a large wing could be in her mind, anyway), ignored the second crack in the floor, and brought Twilight a concrete block.

"What am I supposed to do with this?"

"Stomp on it," Redheart said. "I would test your reflexes but I think that'd be ill-advised at this point." I fear for my safety.

Twilight cautiously raised her hoof above the block, looking at it with both confusion and determination. Then she brought her hoof down, shattering the block into a dozen pieces, including one that hit Redheart on the head.

Ow. That is going to leave an ugly bruise. "Well, Twilight, I will have to forward these results to Canterlot, but I am happy to pronounce you with a clean bill of health, despite all your physiological changes!" Yeah, health and a whole ton of concerning side effects that would be keeping me up at night if I had them. I do not envy you, Twilight Sparkle. "You've been a good patient." Why'd I have to say that, I should make her know this has been a horrible experience. Horseapples.

"Oh. Well, thanks Redheart! I... I guess I probably won't be seeing you for a physical again?"

"Hopefully not!"

"Well, I'll be sure to stop by and see how you're doing from time to time, okay?"

"Okay!" That is sweet and adorable but it fills me with fear right now.

Twilight Sparkle left the room, leaving Redheart alone. She set to work on the paperwork, filling out all the oddities in detail (what even was that noise? And the glowing? And the eyes!?) and folding it into an envelope addressed to the medical school in Canterlot.

It was only then she succumbed to the head injury and lost consciousness.

FInally... Rest...

~~~

A few days later, Redheart was in bed, bandages still wrapped around her head. Twilight Sparkle still knew nothing about Redheart's hospitalization, and that was the way it would stay.

One of the other nurses brought her a letter with the official Canterlot seal. She grinned - maybe finally she would get some answers.

Dear Miss Redheart...

It is with mixed pleasure and condolences in which we write to you. Sadly, we must inform you that the physiology of Equus Alicornyus (Alicorns) is something that none of us here at the Medical Academy fully understand. Both the royal sisters and Mi Amore Cadenza draw from a pool of roughly three dozen doctors who work around the clock to determine what ails them, or if they are healthy. At best, it is all guesswork. One day the eyes will present the rainbow diffraction you described, other times they cause explosions to happen a mile away. We are deeply apologetic you had to go through an entire procedure without any prior knowledge, and are impressed you weren't further injured.

Due to your success in dealing with the new Princess, Twilight Sparkle, when neither of you knew what was going on, it has come to our attention that you are an excellent medical professional. We would like to offer you an opportunity to come work with us here at the Alicorn Medical Department and attempt to solve the 'random' mysteries of their physiology. Simply reply with confirmation and we will send for you.

We hope you seriously consider our offer.

Sincerely, the Alicorn Medical Department.

Never before in her life had Nurse Redheart written NO so quickly.