The Element of Forgiveness
Starlight tossed violently in her bed, heaving for breath, cold and trembling, dizzy with fear, sickness rising in her soul. The cold of memories.
“Not again,” she mumbled dejectedly. “Why can’t I find peace.”
Eyes looking up, she looked to her dresser mirror, decked with photos of her Ponyville friends, staring at the image of her teacher Twilight Sparkle smiling happily with her hoof touching Starlight’s back, holding her friend close… the unicorn’s eyes averted, guilty and ashamed, dwelling deep in her own restless remorse.
“I’m too dangerous,” she whispered quietly, tears welling up again. “Why did she...”
A split second later, Starlight teleported into Twilight’s bedchamber. “I NEED TO KNOW!” she shouted aloud, startling the occupant.
“AGGHH!” shouted Twilight, slamming her skull against the headboard and flopping back down, rubbing the bump on her head. “What’s going on?! What happened?!”
Starlight groaned in frustration. “See? Everything I do hurts everypony!”
Twilight teleported to her student’s side, reaching out to touch her… but Starlight slapped the hoof away, glaring.
Twilight gasped in shock and surprise. Starlight had never before rejected her friend’s comfort so bluntly.
“What in Equestria is the matter?” she asked anxiously, very worried for Starlight.
“Why did you forgive me?” demanded the unicorn. “I just… I don’t understand.”
Twilight glared sternly. “If Star Swirl is being harsh towards you still, I will talk with him,” she gulped, not necessarily eager to confront her idol.
Starlight shook her head. “No, it’s not that at all, but I suppose it’s part of everything, in the sense that, my past… it’s always haunting me Twilight. How can you forgive me?”
Starlight put her hoof to her chest, tears welling up in her eyes, wracked with grief and shame. “Everything I’ve done. You know everything I’ve done. You know more than anypony else. You were there for it all. My broken past. The twisted futures I tried to make. My selfishness, my hate, my dangerous power, everything. Why accept me?”
Twilight wiped away a tear from her own eye. “I wish you wouldn’t do this to yourself,” she sighed softly, looking away. “I wish you would accept yourself too.”
Starlight looked down, closing her eyes, folding her ears. “I tore out the spirits of other ponies. I ripped the essence of their souls from their minds and hearts, and I forced them to become empty miserable husks, masquerading as joyful slaves.”
Nervous laughter spilled from Starlight’s wry grin, shaking her head, shaking her body, her horn glowing bright turquoise.
Twilight tried once more to touch her broken friend, gently brushing a wing across her flank. Starlight did not resist this time, leaning heavily against Twilight’s chest, wetting it with tears. “You have to stop doing this to yourself...”
“The past haunts me, Twilight. Every day I walk in Ponyville, I see it before my eyes. I reminisce on the growing solitude, hatred, and contempt in my heart. The terror builds inside me, as my memories and feelings return back, back to when I was a brutal sorceress, a shaman of souls, tearing them out and binding them to my will.”
Twilight allowed Starlight to speak, biting her tongue, wishing to intervene. But now was the time for her student to pour out her heart.
“Pretending… pretending I had friends… all to pretend, that I wasn’t the most twisted pony in the world. I refused to change myself for the better, and instead enforced my hate and power onto others. It was not a special place, that town of mine..”
Starlight moved away slightly, looking up into Twilight’s eyes. The alicorn felt a shudder as she stared into those haunted blue eyes filled with dread. “I could hear the screams of their minds, Twilight. I could hear them and I didn’t care. I wanted everything equal. Everypony. And then, when you freed them, when you took away all my false security and empty happiness, I tried to…”
Turning away, she covered herself in a small glowing shield of magic. “I tried to destroy everything you cared about. I tried to unmake your life. And then, I kept trying, even as the future became ruined, allowing so many cruel and evil beasts to usurp power, one after another, even though I… I was the worst evil of all!”
“I WAS THE WORST EVIL OF ALL!”, Starlight repeated with a sickening scream, violently trembling, as her eyes rolled into the back of her head, and she collapsed onto the floor with a heavy sigh, her shield shattering into magical nothingness, sprawling in a heap on the floor.
“STARLIGHT!”, she heard her name invoked, confused why the voice sounded genuinely worried for her… and then her mind went blank, as she faded into her first deep sleep in many moons…
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Gasping for air, hard to breathe.
Crawling across the surface, desperate for the sky.
There is no escape, there is no hope.
The cruel sorceress had destroyed too many spirits, to sate her own.
Stumbling in the darkness, in ways they’ll never understand.
When will it end? Can it ever end?
The broken shaman stares into her own soul again, and she is filled with misery and dread.
And then the bright raspberry glow fills her vision.
Another visitation from the spirit of friendship, stepping right through her barriers, past the pain and the hate.
Maybe now she can escape, maybe now she can hope…
Ritually reborn as the Element of Forgiveness.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Starlight’s eyes opened wide. She laid in her bed, and at the foot of it was the Princess of Friendship, snoring softly with her muzzle buried in a book, several more sprawled around her. The cover read ‘Psychological and Emotional Resonance Therapy’. She understood what Twilight had been doing.
“How long was I out?” Starlight asked gently. It was enough to stir the larger mare.
“Oh! Starlight! You’re awake! Are you feeling alright?” Twilight asked with an anxious inflection.
Starlight laughed mirthlessly. “There you go, worrying about me again...” she looked up at Twilight’s unhappy frown, averting her eyes again with a sigh. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s alright,” Twilight responded, sighing too. “I understand. At least, I try to...”
They both fell silent for a time, lost in their complicated thoughts. Starlight looked up at the ceiling, painted in such a way to invoke the feeling of a blue summer day, clouds billowing across the sky. She laughed quietly at that.
“Thank you for your help in setting up my room, Twilight,” Starlight said with sincerity. “I love the sky so much. I love the way my kites soar through it, the open air. I love to levitate into the heavens...”
“Well it’s the color of your mane, right?” Twilight teased with a small smirk, frowning as Starlight’s ears drooped. “That’s not a bad thing, Starlight. You need to love yourself more.”
Starlight looked up into Twilight’s eyes. “I will keep trying,” she responded gently, smiling as her teacher sighed in relief.
“Thank you, Starlight.” she moved up closer to the Starlight’s side, gently nudging her flank. “You do recall that you’ve done many good and wonderful deeds since you’ve come to Ponyville, right?”
“Well,” Starlight mumbled, “I wouldn’t say ‘many’, and it’s not like I don’t still make terrible mistakes...”
Twilight snorted. “Alright, stop. Just for a moment let me see the confident side of you again!” she insisted.
Starlight squirmed uncomfortably and turned away. “That’s how I become a monster.”
Twilight teleported to the other side of the bed. “You are not a monster. You are a pony.”
Starlight closed her eyes and wept in silence. “Go on then. Talk about all the good things I’ve done lately, talk about what a great friend I am… it doesn’t change all the sickening, cruel, evil things I’ve done before that.”
Twilight nodded. “You’re right, it doesn’t. Your past will always be with you. But that doesn’t mean you need to let that past destroy your future, too!”
Starlight sat up, glaring at Twilight. “You never did answer my two questions: how long was I out, and why did you forgive me?”
Twilight cleared her throat, flexing a wing. “It’s been a bit more than a full day, but you were clearly physically worn out from all your self-destruction.”
Starlight squinted in confusion. “Self-destruction, what do you mean?”
Twilight poked Starlight’s tummy. “It’s not very healthy being wracked with guilt and shame as often as you are, and to the extent that you are.”
Starlight nodded sullenly, understanding. “Well, why did you forgive me?”
“Because you were damaged and hurt deep inside, and I saw in your pain the possible path I could’ve gone down instead. I empathized with you, I sympathized with you, and I understood you, and I always have. You deserve happiness too! And you’ve proven how worthy you are! You’ve made many friends on your own, you’ve even literally saved Equestria! In retrospect, offering you my friendship is one of my proudest and wisest moments!”
Twilight was right up in Starlight’s face at this point, glaring into her eyes.
Starlight smiled. “You really are the best pony I’ve ever known.”
Twilight gasped at that, pulling back and blushing deeply, her wings outstretched in embarrassment, covering her face.
Starlight laughed aloud, a smile breaking her frown, finally. Twilight laughed too, both of them together.
“So, do you understand?” Twilight asked.
Starlight countered, “Do you?”
“I will never fully understand your pain and suffering. We both know that. But I want and need to give you as much comfort and therapy as I can in the meantime.”
Starlight chuckled, “I suppose as princess of friendship, you do make a good therapist, in your own way.”
Twilight raised an eyebrow, “Uh, and what is that supposed to mean?”
Starlight stretched out in bed, scoffing, “Only that I’m perhaps better at pinpointing friendship problems than you.”
Twilight huffed incredulously. “Wow, that’s quite a turnaround. I suppose I can’t be too offended.”
Starlight blushed, eyes wide, realizing what she had done. “No, I’m just exaggerating, I’m not-”
Twilight put a hoof to Starlight’s mouth. “You’re just showing yourself some love.”
Starlight smiled. “Well. I guess I deserve it once in awhile.”
“All the while,” Twilight countered. “Speaking of, it’s awhile before I have anything else to do, so perhaps I can show you the latest Relaxation Zone I’ve coordinated via teleportation?”
Starlight shook her head. “Maybe in a little bit. Can I stay here in your castle a bit longer first?” she asked quietly, a bit nervously.
Twilight felt reminded again of how much a sanctuary her new home was to Starlight. She felt her chest puff up with pride, beaming. “You can stay, as long as you need. You will always be welcome here in my home, because you will always be my friend.”
Starlight leaned out and wrapped her arms around Twilight, getting her mane wet with tears, the purple ponies clinging together.
Starlight settled gently in her bed, breathing softly, warm and steady, calm with peace, wellness rising in her soul. The warmth of friendship.
The spirit of friendship and the spirit of forgiveness, struggling through the pain and sorrow of the world, found comfort and love together once more.
