Lampshade Tales

by Hywther

Rating: everyone
Tags: Anthology, Main 6, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Human, Other, Original Character
Length: 3200

A collection of satirical stories filled with subverted tropes and tales that critique some part of the plot of others.

Lampshade Tales aims to be a collection of short stories that wants to satirize some popular tropes in pony stories and maybe give another perspective on plots that other stories or the show leave unanswered or poorly explained. Even stories with more possibilities, taking on the premises of other stories and giving them a twist.

The story appears as complete since it's first and original chapter is finished, but it will grow as more ideas and possibilites are discussed and put on paper. The stories may or may not be autoconclusive.

Feel free to suggest ideas for chapters and please, if you spot any errors please contact the author. He's not a native speaker and he can't spellcheck with the precision of someone who actually knows what it's doing.

Published 2017-12-23 01:10:12 UTC
Last updated 2018-02-11 21:26:41 UTC

I - Normalcy

Steven was just your average adult from a western culture with a job that was enough for him and his family to live with a degree of comfort, backed up by his less than stellar intellect and his dedication to his family. What was not average was the portal that he found while walking his dog at the outskirts of his town. Steven knew right there that it would be the catalyst to the strangest day of his life.

It was the most curious thing, and looked pretty stable given the circumstances. Steven looked at his wristwatch and saw that he had more than enough time to check it out. ‘If it didn’t torn me to pieces with its strange energies at this point then it ain’t going to do it’ he thought. Luckily, the portal agreed with his assessment.

It was the most unremarkable transition in the history of space travel, like walking through a transparent curtain. The place was… strangely familiar to Steven, it being some kind of temperate woods with many plants known to him. Even the animals looked the same, so he though that this was some kind of experiment on teleportation or something like that, so he continued to walk his dog. After all, what was the worst that could happen?

The tranquility was not to last, and soon Steven heard some rustling behind him. As he turned he was surprised as a big feline jumped towards him.

“You are an adventurous thing, aren’t you? And a bit overfed if I say so myself...” Steven said out loud while picking up the fat calico cat that jumped out of the bushes. “Your owner must be near, you look too pampered to be a stray cat.” Steven muttered. The cat didn’t argue with him and just got itself comfortable on Steven’s arm.

They all walked for a bit, and after a while they found a quaint little town. As they approached, Steven found out that the settlement was inhabited by small quadruped equines somewhat reminiscent of ponies. They were extremely varied on coat color though, and had bigger heads and eyes than their Earth analogues. A good part of them were wary and surprised of him except one, a male by the looks of it, that approached Steven with a smile on his face and talked rapidly in a strange language while pointing at the cat. Steven smiled and gave him what was probably it’s pet, and just stood there as the pony smooched the poor thing.

The atmosphere around Steven got warmer and soon every pony just approached with curiosity. The cat owner, who Steven decided to call Little Green due to his coat color, encouraged him towards some kind of coffee shop. Steven went with it, feeling confused but at least not afraid of these cute creatures. His dog didn’t seem distrustful of them either, but that can be him just being well trained.

The afternoon flew by for Steven. He enjoyed a very strange conversation via crude pictures on paper with Little Green while having a mean cup of coffee and some local pastries who were pretty okay to him. It was mildly entertaining for an afternoon with other ponies coming to take a look at the strange creature that just appeared in town, so all in all it was time spent in peace. Some police ponies came by and took some notes, shook Steven’s hand for some reason and just went on with their thing. Steven though that it was normal for them to see other species since he stole a glance at some flying ponies during his stay.

After some more hoof shaking and even a press pony who took a photo of him shaking the hoof of some well dressed lady, Steven just waved them goodbye and went back to the portal. There were some ponies with horns in them checking it and he waved to them as well as he crossed it, receiving some waving back in response. They were pretty polite when they work out their first wariness, or at least that what the impression they left in Steven.

Little did Steven know that it was the start of something incredible for both worlds, with the contact with another species on another planet and all the works. The exchange of culture and technology that would follow would be forever remembered in the history books and the benefits from it too many to count, elevating the lives of the inhabitants of both worlds to heights not even imagined before by any creature of any of them. A bright future forged in friendship and magic!

For Steven though it meant poker with Green Tea and friends at noon, enjoying coffee at Petunia’s Coffee Shop in Trottingham. It meant having the guys on weekends for the game night and Pasta Sunday with them, remembering to put daisies on Green’s salad because it was his favorite. It meant play dates between Cloudskipper’s foal and Steven’s daughter so they could play with one another, even if they had to be careful with the videogames since no one wanted another broken controller.

Overall it all was just another notch in Steven’s simple but fulfilling routine. He wasn’t trained to be an ambassador since he could barely manage to make his taxes on time and he was pretty sure he wasn’t a hero… Well, maybe for his little princess but many dads are that for their daughters as well, but Steven sure enjoyed to read the adventures of those wacky mares at Ponyville since it was so far from his reality that, even when it was happening a few hundreds of kilometers from Trottingham, it was pretty much a fantasy story for Steven. Even with that, Steven was happy to be just a simple man, happily married and father of one, soon to be two, and with some good friends to spend his time with.

Maybe he had some interviews from both humans and ponies from time to time since he was technically the first human on another planet, but so far they were pretty respectful and he and his family were just left to their own devices. Steven liked it that way since he never liked to draw attention to himself or his family. So far this was just another interesting experience to spice his average life, and he was fine with it.

After all, who would want to be the center of attention of a whole world of magical creatures?

Author's Note

There were many tropes in the "Human in Equestria" genre that were attacked here so I'll not name every single one. I think you all can easily see which path your usual "HiE" would take in every scene.

Please, send me a PM if you spot any errors, and I hope you liked this little thing.

II - The Call of Unawareness

Twilight Sparkle sat in silence as the train marched on, her mind elsewhere with all that happened the last couple of days. The rest of her friends and fellow element bearers weren’t faring any better than her.

The events in Our Town put some thoughts that were uncomfortable for the young heroines that managed to overcome their foe almost by pure luck, but it was a void victory since Starlight Glimmer managed to escape, vowing that she would eventually enact revenge upon Twilight.

Again, another enemy of Equestria ran unimpeded and almost unopposed, free to scheme without problems and, sooner or later, cause a major problem for them and Equestria. This was the best they could do? The heroines of Equestria, the mighty Elements of Harmony… What good they were for if the enemy didn’t sat quiet and still before they were bathed in the harmonic energies of the elements?

“Girls… I think we need to talk” Twilight finally said, causing everypony to look at her. Rainbow Dash just huffed.

“What is to talk, Twilight? We got beaten good and that’s all that there’s to it. We can only lick our wounds for now” Rainbow said before frowning and smacking her hooves “but next time we are going to show her!”

“There isn’t going to be a next time, Rainbow Dash!” Twilight yelled, making all of them look at her with a look of surprise on their faces “At least not like today… not like always...”

“What do you mean, Twilight?” Rarity asked as Fluttershy and Pinkie looked at the alicorn asking silently the same question.

“We need to ask Princess Celestia for help. I’ve been thinking these past hours and I can say that we have been very lucky with our adventures. We… we really aren’t suited for tasks like this” Twilight explained while musing with her hair, her eyes full of concern and fear, “I… I thought we weren’t going to make it, girls. We need to be prepared for the next one… because it’s going to be a next one for sure, and another, and another...” she said before shaking her head, “If we want to have a better to change at menaces like Starlight Glimmer we need to get trained. We can’t keep going on like this.”

“I’m in! Any kind of training is right on my alley!” Rainbow said with a smirk on her face.

“I’m not sure, sugarcube. My farm requires tons of work and dedication that I can’t spend on some training. I hear you Twi, but I can’t see it, sorry.” Applejack said apologetically while messing with her hat.

“I’m with Applejack in this one, darling. I can’t leave my boutique to prance around some yard and run some laps. It would be terrible for both my business and my physique. Why, what about the gossip! It would be-” Rarity tried to say before Twilight slammed her hoof on the floor, shutting her up.

“Today a unicorn was able to overpower me, an alicorn who wields the Element of Magic itself, girls. She wanted us to join her cult, but what if the next villain isn’t so benevolent? Maybe the next one thinks that we are… that we are not worth the effort and decides to end us right there” Twilight said with a serious look on her eyes.

“I can’t believe that a pony would be such a meanie!” Pinkie cried, “There is no way!”

“And what if there is a way, Pinkie? Think. All of you, think for a moment here. What if one day one of us don’t return from one of these missions? What about your families? And...” Twilight said as she cried a bit, “and what about your friends? I can’t think about anything else right now, girls. What if next time I don’t come back? What about Spike?”

Her friends hurried towards the distressed princess and hugged her tightly. Soon they turned into a sobbing mass of ponies as they followed Twilight’s advice and truly thought about what would happen if one of these adventures went awry.

Their families would be devastated and Equestria would be without their most stalwart defenders against evil. Maybe their families would be able to survive without them, that much was a given, but what about the possible opportunistic forces wanting to prey on Equestria? Forced labor, slavery… and more unmentionable things, all of them were thought for the six mares, and they found themselves scared witless of those thoughts.

“Darling, I… I don’t think I’ve ever even entertained the though… Oh dear...” Rarity lamented as she hugged her friends tighter.

“That would be so sad, and without any laughs! I don’t wanna think about it… I don’t want that to ever happen to any pony!” Pinkie cried loudly.

“Don’t cry, Pinkie. I’m sure there is something we can do… Ah… That’s what you meant, isn’t it Twilight?” Fluttershy asked softly, cleaning her own tears.

“We need to get stronger to beat the bad guys, isn’t it? Give them the old one-two and then bam?” Rainbow questioned as she got out of the group hug.

“Not exactly, Rainbow. We have to get stronger, but I don’t want us to become like those we fight. I want to spread friendship and resolve any friendship problem we can find, but… but we can’t be defenseless in this endeavor. We must be able to confront and neutralize the most violent ones, or at least improve our chances of not being captured like today. Violence isn’t the answer, but we can’t continue to be a one-trick pony anymore. As I told you girls, I think Princess Celestia and Princess Luna can help us with this. We must be better Elements of Harmony for everyone’s sake, and for our own.” Twilight said with determination, cleaning her own eyes from any tear.

“I understand, sugarcube. I don’t like one bit, but I understand. I suppose we can put those extra funds the princesses give us for them adventures we do I suppose… Big Mac could use the help that’s for sure.” Applejack said as she put down her hat, her expression thoughtful. “I guess I’ve also been feeling a bit useless with all of these things we do. Maybe… No. We really need to do better.”

“Don’t worry, Applejack. We will do this together. I don’t like it either, but I can’t think of what would happen to my animals or my poor Angel if something happens to me. I can’t do that to them.” Fluttershy said as she smiled at her cowgirl friend.

“It will be a big party all the time! Maybe one with more games that I’m used to, but it will be like back home at the rock farm!” Pinkie said while bouncing in place.

Twilight smiled at their friends, a strange mixture of pride and determination behind her eyes.

“I know this wasn’t what anypony wanted to do in the near future, but…” Twilight tried to say but shook her head before smiling a bit, “I don’t really want to sound like a broken record. We will face everything that comes to us, but this time… this time we will be prepared!”

Author's Note

After so many close calls I think this event in their lives would be perfect for a turning point in their mindset. It's baffling to see the inaction of the princesses or even the Main Six when there are clear threats against them and Equestria as a whole. Better work on the Gala!

As always, I hope you enjoyed it and please send me a PM if you spot any errors. Thank you for your time.

III - Boundaries

The sun was rising gingerly over the land of Equestria, shining over the town of Ponyville. While most of the ponies residing in the small village, some business are already ready for work, and it was inside of these that our protagonist was taking his time to drink his coffee.

Stan enjoyed his mornings in peace, quietly enjoying his breakfast inside ‘Cafe Mocha’, one of the newer business in town. It was a small coffee shop with a wide variety of hot and cold beverages and the best one to drink a nice, dark cup of coffee.

Not like a Starbucks, far from it. More like those traditional places from way back when. His morning musings were interrupted though, as a couple of ponies sat across the table.

“What can I do for you, ladies?” he politely asked.

“You know why are we here, Mr. Dart,” replied Rarity, the local fashionista in town, as she looked at him with contempt.

“I’m afraid I don’t know what are you talking about, miss.”

“Don’t give us that, buster! We know you did something to our friend Pinkie!” almost yelled Rainbow Dash, the weather manager for Ponyville and local heroine alongside Rarity, Pinkie and others.

“Do you even know all the facts?” Stan replied, calmly sipping his coffee.

“Pinkie is all mopey because of you and that’s all I need to know!” Rainbow stubbornly stated, glaring at him.

“Sorry to hear that, but it’s not my fault that she doesn’t know the meaning of ‘no’ and personal boundaries” Stan explained, “I really dislike being touched and parties, both things that Pinkie seem to be very fond of, and when she forced one onto me while invading my house and pulling me inside I explained to her why she shouldn’t do that again. I also told her that next time I was going to call the guard,” he finished, leaving both ponies speechless.

“B-but you can’t say that to her!” exclaimed Rainbow Dash, “Her special talent is making ponies happy and making them smile and she does that with parties!”

“Tell me something you don’t like others doing to you, Rainbow,” asked Stan.

“That’s stupid, I-”

“She doesn’t like her hooves being touched,” quickly said Rarity, while Rainbow looked at her with a pout.

“It’s perfect for what I want to explain. Now imagine that my talent was giving hoof massages, and my way to welcome you to my town was giving you one. You will obviously refuse but I’ll just be persistent and annoying and, when you least expect it, break in your house and give you a hoof massage. What would you do in that situation? Would you feel frustrated, or maybe afraid? Angry?”

“I-I… I mean...” stuttered the rainbow pony.

“Exactly. I managed to be polite through all of it, and now you come here and try to make me feel as I was the bad guy here. You should try to rein her in more, lest she gets depressed because someone said no to her about something,” Stan coldly stated as he glared at the ponies, making them flinch.

“That was harsh and uncalled for, Mr. Dart. I believed our pink friend was being more tactful after the incident with Cranky Doodle, but there is no need to throw veiled insults against her,” Rarity said, defending her friend.

“I’m trying to be restrained, Rarity, but when someone comes and sours one of the moments of peace I have it’s pretty hard to do. You should leave and see that your friend it’s fine, and if this affecting her so badly, then I’m sorry she got sad because I don’t like to do something she likes, but I’m not going to change my tastes for her, and I’m not sorry for saying no to her. She needs to learn that different people have different boundaries, and she needs to respect that,” Stan stated while finishing his coffee.

“That doesn’t sound like an apology to me” Rainbow Dash grumbled.

“That’s because I’m not apologizing for standing up to myself. If you don’t like that then too bad, because that’s how things work. She should just enjoy parties and hugs or whatever with the people who wants and likes that, and leave the rest of us alone. That way we will be just fine and dandy. Now, if you excuse me, I have to go to work. Have a nice day,” Stan said, leaving the money on the table and leaving the mares alone with their thoughts.