"So that's when I said that SHE didn't have any manners! That poor mare," Blueblood said. "I really did try to let her down softly. But only so much could be done. It's a terrible shame."
"It happens," Celestia said, piping up beside him. "Some ponies just think that Royalty will swoon over them and make all their dreams come true."
"Hey, it worked for me!" Shining chuckled. It wasn't often that he and Cadance had guests in the Crystal Empire, but none were more welcome than Celestia and Blueblood. It provided an opportunity for the Princesses to 'let down their hair' so to speak. "I consider it a blessing I was able to woo such a charming, graceful Princess."
Cadance had her face buried in a corn cob, only half paying to the conversation. She lifted her head then looked at the table.
"Oh! Uh, yes. I love you too. Why do royal events have to always serve such tiny food and encourage so many different manners? I mean really. It's oppression I'm telling you. We should do something about that. I was ready for salad for lunch today and they served a LEAF."
Celestia snickered to herself, swirling a glass of wine with the golden magic from her horn.
"The royal life is a difficult one."
"I believe it," Shining said. "I'm happy I don't have to do a lot of the Prince related tasks and stick mostly to guard work. At least then I'm able to get a good workout every day."
Prince Blueblood cleared his throat and patted his chest after fluid went down the wrong pipe. His attention turned to Shining Armor with a sense of mild irritation.
"Are you implying that Royalty is weak?" Prince Blueblood asked. Celestia and Cadance each snickered to themselves.
"Oh Blueblood, you know he doesn't mean that," Celestia added.
"I am the peak of physical fitness, tell 'em Shiny," Cadance said.
Shining grew quiet. His head went back down to his food.
"Tell him," Cadance said, setting down her corn.
"Well, I mean," Shining said. "When was the last time you guys actually took down a bad guy?"
An uncomfortable silence fell over the table.
"Well, Twilight-"
"My sister is a rainbow magical pony girl that's imbued with the elements of friendship. I don't think that really counts. I mean when was the last time that Royalty -really- took down the bad guy?"
Celestia bit her bottom lip and looked down to her food.
"Er, well. We're usually busy and stuff," Cadance added.
"I'm just saying that with a little combat training, something we already do with the guards, you guys could defend yourselves. No more abductions. Twilight can sleep better at night."
"Royalty isn't weak!" Blueblood said, standing at his place at the table. "I'll show you weak! I challenge you to a duel!"
Shining remained in place, looking up at Blueblood. Then, a smile curled on his lips. Then, a snicker snuck out the sides of his mouth.
"I swear, if this is a card games joke, I'm going to actually lose it," Shining said.
"A duel of the sword!" Blueblood shouted. "To the Death!"
"Uh, no," Cadance said. "Flag on the play. He's married. I am NOT going to be a widow when I look this pretty."
"Seconded," Celestia interjected. "Plus he would kill you, Blueblood."
Blueblood looked incredulously at the two Princesses.
"You two don't believe that I could take down one guard?"
"Captian of the Royal Guard. And the Crystal Guard, technically," Shining interjected.
In unison, the Princesses shook their heads and muttered unconfident phrases.
"Fine," Blueblood said. "Then, I challenge you to a hoof wrestle."
Each of the ponies at the table burst into uncontrolled, unrelenting laughter. Blueblood remained serious, staring down his opponent. Once the table quieted down, Shining looked back up at Blueblood curiously.
"Oh you're serious," Shining said in disbelief. "Well. Alright. Fine. You asked for it."
"I'm getting popcorn," Cadance said.
"I need more wine," Celestia added.
The table was cleared. Shining and Blueblood sat across from each other, massaging their hooves before the big challenge.
"Please don't break his hoof, Shining," Celestia said as she sat down in Blueblood's corner. "Don't think I don't remember your first year in Guard Academy."
"Wait- what?" Blueblood asked in a panicked tone.
"Alright. The rules are simple," Cadance said. "Winner is who can get the other opponent's hoof down. No elbows off the table. Any funny-business, foot stomping, or other ways of distracting your opponent is disqualification. This is just one match, and not a best two out of three."
Shining placed his hoof up on the table.
"Let's do this. We have pie for dessert. We whipped the cream ourselves," Shining said casually.
"How are you all so -calm- about this?!" Blueblood shouted.
"Well, he does have a point. We kind of are helpless," Cadance said. "But it's nothing new. And we don't have time to do anything about it. We're locked up in negotiations most of the time. Celestia and Luna are the most experienced. I'm literally a mother, so I don't want to put my life on the line, and Twilight is a young scrappy magic user that has some of the best backup in Equestria. Why wouldn't we just let her do all the dirty work while we do that? I mean, could you see Twilight trying to broker trade deals or negotiate deals with infrastructure contractors?"
Blueblood remained silent.
"So, this isn't a lash at your honor."
"No," Celestia said. "It was constructive criticism. Sometimes it's not fun to get, but you need it. It's what it is."
Blueblood sighed and placed his hoof on the table.
"Please don't kill me," Blueblood said.
Shining grabbed his hoof and smiled back at him.
"Don't worry, I'll go easy on ya."
Cadance placed her hooves over the stallions' grip.
"Three. Two. One. Go!"
Then the table literally broke in half.
Blueblood's hoof was pushed through the actual table, and a deep split went down the width from the force of the impact. Prince Blueblood's eyes shot wide as he looked to his hoof, a bruise quickly forming. He was in that moment of shock and disbelief before the pain set in.
"Well, that was anticlimactic," Celestia said, lighting her horn. A bandage quickly appeared from thin air and wrapped Blueblood's fragile hoof.
Shining shrugged and looked back to the Princesses with a smile.
"Pie?"
"Yes, please," Cadance said. "I've been thinking of that pie ALL DAY!"
"That..." Blueblood said in astonishment. "Why don't you guys fight the bad guys?"
"That's not our job," Shining said with a smile. "We keep the citizens safe. That's our first job. We'd rather have as few civilian casualties as possible, rather than end the evil in some brutal way. If we focus on just vanquishing the enemy, what separates us from our enemies?"
A light blue aura from Cadance's horn quickly fixed the kitchen table and levitated the dessert in from the kitchen.
"I guess I never realized how much work the Royal Guard does," Prince Blueblood mumbled.
"Hey, don't worry man," Shining said, dishing out a slice of dessert to his opponent. "Consider this your slice of humble pie."
