Why Ditzy Doo loves muffins
It was late morning in Ponyville. Very late, close to lunch. For the three ponies laying down in front of Dandelion Seed's house it was lunch, because they had been up early and working since then, raising the staging on the building to renovate it. The middle one was opening a Tupperware box with shredded carrots and vetches. The one to his right was putting on an old-fashioned haversack full with oats and clover. The third one had been late to work that day and hadn't made any lunch, so he was having a daisy and onions sandwich from Sugarcube Corner.
As they took out their food and got into a comfortable position, the village mailmare, the wall-eyed pegasus Ditzy Doo, flew past them and waved absentmindedly. They waved back as she landed in front of the Carousel Boutique.
"You know" said Shredded Carrots Tupperware "I don't really get Derpy there."
"What don't you get?" said Daisy and Onions Sandwich.
"Everything. Nothing. Like, how does she keep her job? I mean, haven't everyone in Ponyville had a letter delivered late or in pieces already? And isn't she like, wrong in the head? Are you allowed to be that if you are a mailmare? Isn't that like a public official?" he explained.
Ditzy Doo waited a while, and then Rarity, the owner, opened.
"Why hello, miss Doo" said Rarity under rather heavy eyelids. "What brings you to my door?"
"The mail!" said Ditzy happily, and picked out a letter from her bag. It was rather thick and brown.
"Oh, that must be the payment for that order to Trottingham!" said Rarity and grabbed it with her magic and ripped it open in an admittedly sophisticated manner. "Yes it is! How nice!"
Then she turned to Ditzy Doo and smiled, fluttering her eyelashes.
"This, I should celebrate. Would you like a muffin, Miss Doo?" she said.
"Sure!" said Ditzy happily and entered the boutique after her.
"I don't think she is wrong in the head" said Daisy and Onion Sandwich. "I think it's only her eyes that are, like, wrong."
He gestured over his own eyes to show what he meant and failed for the most part.
"And I don't think I have had any problems with the mail, when I think about it" he added skeptically. "Did you have any problems?"
Shredded Carrots Tupperware and Oats Haversack both nodded.
"Once the missus had a birthday card arrive late" said the first of them. "From a cousin. So she thought the cousin had forgotten her birthday and there was, as you can imagine, some bad blood. Mares, you know?"
The other two nodded, either willing to admit the problems with Mares or at least willing to fake such admittance.
"Then it turned out Derpy had just misplaced it somehow and there was much going to Hoofington as a way of making apologies. The post office did apologize as well, it's not that. It is just the principle of it" he said.
"I see" said Daisy and Onion Sandwich. "What about you then?" he asked Oats Haversack.
After a while Ditzy Doo exited the Carousel Boutique and fluttered away, swaying a bit as she landed in front of Sugarcube Corner. She trotted in past the few customers this hour of the day - there was a calm period between the fresh morning cakes and the after school sweets for the kids - and placed a wrinkly package and a slip in front of Mrs Cake.
"Sign here please!" she said and looked at the counter with one eye and at the ceiling with another.
"Well, of course, Ditzy!" said Mrs Cake and picked up a quill from behind the counter with her mouth. After carefully signing the slip, she gave it to Ditzy Doo with a smile.
"Thank you, Mrs Cake!" said Ditzy, but made no sign of leaving, she just looked at the interior, Mr Cake and the few customers he was talking to, Pinkie Pie sweeping up the remains of a terrific idea she had, and Mrs Cake, in about that order.
"Would you like... a muffin, Ditzy?" said Mrs Cake and looked at her.
"Oh wow, yes!" said Ditzy Doo.
"Well, come with me to the kitchen. I am sure they are done now!" said Mrs Cake amiably and looked at her husband.
"Oh" he said, equally smiling "don't mind me dear! Pinkie and I can handle the store for a while. Just remember to tell me how you liked my wife's muffin, Ditzy."
"Sure!" said Ditzy and smiled at him.
"MUFFIN?!" shouted Pinkie Pie and dropped her broom. "Ooh, I also want to taste your muffin, Mrs Cake!"
"But Pinkie!" said Mrs Cake exasperated, as the customers recovered from the shock. "You can get muffin in here anytime, and you have work to do now!"
Ditzy Doo cringed a little, but Mr Cake just laughed.
"I am sure I can manage, Pinkie! Just give me a muffin report, you too" he said and blinked.
"Yay! Muffin!" said Pinkie, grabbed Ditzy and danced around with her a bit, to the general mirth of the congregation. Shaking her head, Mrs Cake ushered the dancing mares out into the kitchen.
Oats Haversack took a long long time to chew his oats and clover before he spoke up, being generally of the stoic persuasion and not one to hurry his meals.
"It was not much" he said. "Just a package that had been dropped and landed in a puddle. But I heard something else about Derpy."
The others looked at him with greed and hunger for gossip.
"It is like this: it's not Ponyville that pays for the mailponies. For their salary, that is" he said and chewed some more.
"Who is it, then?" said Shredded Carrots Tupperware.
"It's the Equestrian Royal Mail Service, of course. Completely different part of your taxes" he explained. "And the story goes that they were to downsize the Ponyville post office - that is, fire ponies. And they fired all the mailponies and just left the guy behind the desk, and said that everypony just bloody well had to go to the post office and get their mail themselves."
"When was this?" said Shredded Carrots Tupperware.
"Oh, years ago" Oats Haversack and moved his left hoof in a way that indicated the vast, cosmic difference in age between him and the others. "Anyway, the ponies on the outlying farms sent some letter to Canterlot to complain but nothing came of it. Now, Derpy lived on some pension from the town then, on account of... whatever is wrong with her. But she couldn't just sit and do nothing, so she started hanging around the post office just to talk to somepony and ended up running errands for the ponies who came to get the mail. And soon she started delivering mail for them, just to be nice."
The others chewed their respective foods and took in this.
"So one day somepony with their head on straight went to the Mayor and said the town had better start paying her, and if the Mayor thought that should be expensive she would do well to remember that she wouldn't need that pension check then, so it would be the same in the end except treating Derpy with some well-deserved respect" Oats and Haversack explained. "And then the economy got better and the ERMS rehired the mailponies, but Derpy stayed on. 'Cause she makes up in diligence what she loses on precision. In everything she does."
Ditzy Doo came out from Sugarcube Corner pretty exhausted - Pinkie Pie does that to a pony. She was a bit late now, but next stop was close. She fluttered awkwardly across the street and came down at the flower stands of the Flower Sisters.
"Well hello, Derpy!" said Rose, the oldest, as she dropped her attention from the total lack of customers and a lazy discussion with her sisters. "Why, what do you want?" she said as if there was any doubt.
"You have mail!" Ditzy said and fumbled out three different bunches of letters for them.
The sisters made excited noises of thanks but didn't open them on the spot. Instead they turned to Ditzy.
"You know, it is soon time for our lunch break" said Lily. "Want to come inside for lunch?" She pointed to the nearby house where they lived.
"Oh, I can't have lunch yet" said Ditzy and frowned, one of her eyes pointing to the flowers at Lily's feet, which meant she was looking at Lily with her other eye. "Lots to do. Sorry. But thanks."
"Aw, but we have muffins!" said Daisy.
"Yeah, you can at least have some muffin!" said Rose.
"Come in and at least eat our muffins, Derpy!" said Lily.
"Oh well, when you ask so nicely!" said Ditzy, shrugged, and only put up a token resistance as she was dragged inside.
The three carpenters had finished their lunches and was now having tea, coffee and tea again from their thermoses.
"What about her kid?" said Shredded Carrots Tupperware and blew on his tea.
"What about it?" said Daisy and Onion Sandwich and took a sip of coffee.
"Well, where did it come from?" he said.
"You see, when a mare and a stallion love each other very much..." Daisy and Onion Sandwich began.
Shredded Carrots Tupperware snorted.
"You know what I mean. Who the father is" he said.
"Well, single mothers ain’t strange these days" Oats Haversack said. "Berry Punch is single and she has a kid."
Shredded Carrots Tupperware snorted again, in a slightly different way.
"Everyone knows who that foal's father is, and why he doesn't live with Berry Punch" he said. "Derpy has never been married, never had a boyfriend, never been known to hang out behind barns with colts."
"She lives together with Carrot Top" said Oats Haversack and stirred his tea.
"Derpy's foal is a unicorn, Carrot Top is an earth pony. I'll admit I didn't pay that much attention in school to the subject, but I don't think that's possible" said Shredded Carrots Tupperware.
Daisy and Onion Sandwich looked at him.
"You know, given the fact that they are both mares, I am not sure if that is relevant" he said.
"Oh. Yeah, that too" said Shredded Carrots Tupperware.
"It's a little know fact" said Oats Haversack "that two mares have a small chance of getting each other pregnant if at least one of them is a unicorn."
His co-workers stared at him.
"It's true" he said. "Magic. Of course, there is a very small chance so she would have to, say, rut with several unicorns a day for that to be likely. But it is possible."
They stared some more.
"To rephrase what I said earlier, if Carrot Top is a unicorn, she has the world's shortest horn" Shredded Carrots Tupperware said. "Besides, Derpy is just hiring rooms in Carrot Top's house. Two ponies don't have anything sexual going on just because they associate with each other!”
Ditzy Doo landed, even more exhausted this early in the day, in front of the literal tree house that was the town's public library and the home of renowned scholar Twilight Sparkle. She felt dry in the mouth. Those muffins had been a bit dry. She rubbed her muzzle and rang the door.
It was soon opened by a small, purple, reptilian thing, Twilight's baby dragon Spike.
"Hi Ditzy!" he said brightly. "Any packages for me?"
Ditzy shook her head.
"Aw, I was hoping my Storm Bolt Battle Chariot Building Kit had arrived!" he said. "There's a race come Sunday!"
Ditzy shook her head in a way that was meant to be apologetic.
"Are there any packages for Twilight then?"
Ditzy shook her head again.
"For the library?"
Ditzy finally opened her mouth.
"No" she said. Her tongue felt a bit swollen and it was irritating.
A small owl landed on Spike's head.
"There's a registered letter for him" she said and gave Owlowcious the papers to sign, which he did with his beak. Spike sighed.
As she took the papers from the owl and thanked him, Ditzy made ready to leave. She wasn't allowed to, however.
"Wait, Miss Doo!" said Twilight Sparkle, who bounded down the stairs. "Your book has arrived."
She trotted over to Ditzy and levitated a book to her from a shelf for ordered or booked books. It was big, fairly thin and placed in a brown paper bag.
"Your book. About... muffins!" Twilight said.
It was Ditzy's turn to sign things as she checked out her book - Twilight Sparkle insisted on library cards even from ponies she knew, but Ditzy had hers in her wallet.
"Thanks!” she said. “I have waited long for this!”
Spike waited curiously to see what book it was, but Ditzy just peeked a little inside the bag and then put it in her saddlebag. Then she waved to the inhabitants of the library and flew away.
“Ditzy orders a lot of books” said Spike.
“Well, she has her special interests” said Twilight, who looked a little flustered.
Spike turned to her.
“Why are you always so... nervous around Ditzy Doo?” he said curiously.
Twilight blushed.
“Well it's – it's – it's her disability. Yeah” she said and nodded.
“What?” said Spike.
“Well, I am not always good with other ponies, and with Miss Doo I am always afraid I will do something to do with her... eyes, and offend her or be mean to her without meaning it” said Twilight nervously.
“Relax!” said Spike. “She doesn't mind. I don't think so at least. Why is her books always in brown paper bags?”
“Oh. Well. It is... because I know she is a bit clumsy, and she orders books from other libraries or bought especially, and I am afraid she will drop them and they will get dirty or so” she said with forced cheer.
Spike glared at her.
“See, that is what I meant” she explained quickly. “I'm afraid that she will be hurt by me doing that or something like that and that makes me nervous and that's why I'm nervous when I meet her. And nothing else.”
Spike and Owlowcious looked at each other and shrugged.
“What I really wanted to get to” said Shredded Carrots Tupperware after the discussion concerning the inherent naughtiness of ponies sharing a home, if any, had died down. “What I really wanted to get to was who wanted to have sex with her.”
“Well, except for the eyes, she looks good and she seems nice” said Daisy and Onion Sandwich. “What's the problem?”
“I see what you mean” said Oats Haversack. “Especially if there is something wrong with her head.”
“Yeah” said Shredded Carrots Tupperware “I would feel it would be like exploiting her. Like, y'know, with a mare that's just a filly.”
“She can be pretty childish at festivals and such” Oats Haversack mused. “Her foal is almost more mature.”
“Exactly. That what I meant – I mean, I would feel like a dick doing something like that. Makes me wonder who made it. Since she has a kid, I mean, so someone did” Shredded Carrots Tupperware said.
“When you put it like that” said Daisy and Onions Sandwich “it sounds really squicky. But if she is right in the head and so on, and maybe even if she isn't, surely she should be allowed rut just like any other mare? I mean, you can't forbid handicapped ponies to have fun, can you? That would be pretty horrible!”
Ditzy Doo didn't have time to knock properly on Berry Punch's door before she opened it.
“Well, hello, Bright-Eyes!” she said with a sultry voice. She was wearing a worn dressing gown, with curlers in her hair and dark circles under her eyes, and just inside the door sat a very late morning coffee with a very late morning cigarette placed on the saucer on the hall table.
“Hi Punchy!” Ditzy Doo said. “Here's the alimony check!” She handed Berry Punch the letter and she swore happily. Then she turned to Ditzy.
“Best day of the months. Time to dispel the bills and see if the kid needs something” she said and grinned towards Ditzy. “And something to celebrate for myself!”
Ditzy smiled back, happy not only carry bills and junk in her bags.
“Speaking of celebrating” Berry Punch said “do you want a muffin?”
Ditzy shook her head.
“No thanks, Punchy. I've had so many muffins today” she said.
Berry Punch turned around, pulled away her dressing gown and pressed her moist, dripping cunt very close to the face of the mailmare.
“Wanna fuck then?” she said.
“Do I!” said Ditzy happily, stepped fully inside and hung her mailbags on the coat rack.
“I have been so horny and wanted to fuck all morning, but today – today – everyone just offered me muffins!” she said as she followed Berry Punch into the bedroom for some hours of intensive rutting.
THE END
