Anon's Serenades

by Kuroy

Rating: teen
Tags: Profanity, Violence, Princess Celestia, Sex, Human, Main 6, Gore, Anon, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Death, Romance, Comedy
Length: 4133

Enjoy the Harmony of Anonomous as he Woos Various ponies.

Do you ever hear a song and think. Wow this would be great to play to my beloved! I should sing this sometime for her, except without the shower this time.

Well Anon also had this epiphany.

Published 2017-12-24 09:00:07 UTC
Last updated 2018-10-06 03:26:13 UTC

The Circle

Very early in the morning, while Luna’s moon still held dominion in the sky, a plot was afoot. Canterlot was still nestled in the sleepy glow of starlight. Bakers arose to start baking, farmers arose to start farming, and a very familiar human was scheming.

Anon had many problems since being flung into Equestria. He had done all he could to get to this moment though. He had worked long hours and meticulously planned this move. Months of planning, countless yellow and green obstacles had been removed. Psychological torment was nothing to him, he might as well have been brain dead to the world. His whole life in Equestria was leading to this moment that would soon arise like the sun.

He ducked and dodged through the hallways of the castle, evading patrols of the ever-fluffy bat ponies. Hiding behind plants and suits of armor that where in no way shaped like him. One wrong turn would be all it would take to make his plans crumble into dust.

“EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE”

Anon froze.

He knew the echolocation of the bat ponies when he heard it and stood perfectly still. They couldn’t see him if he didn’t move. Or at least that was what the movies said...

Or was that dinosaurs.

The clippity clop of hooves and flippy flap of wings signaled the approach of a patrol. Lacking any real cover Anon did the only thing he could think of. He threw his arms in the air and put his back facing the wall, doing his best impression of a stuffed snarling bear.

The Lunar guards came into view. One mare sniff snuffling with her super snozz trying to find the source of sound she heard. Her partner, the unfortunate stallion named Shadow Shield, ignored Anon pointedly and desperately wished to be anywhere else. The eccentric mare examined the Anon/Bear, eyes going separate directions as she let out a screech of echolocation. Lacking Clarity had always been a bit special, or at least that's what her Momma said before she left her in front of the barracks. Yes for Clarity it was almost like yesterday, if yesterday was when she was a young foal. She had dedicated her life to protecting the Princesses, it was her duty.

“HA HA Doody. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
SHIELDY? I SAW SOMETHING MOOOOOVE.”

“That’s just Anon Clarity, he is that human that showed up a couple of months ago. Just ignore him, you don’t know where he has been.”

“EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE… SHIELDY ANON ISN’T HERE THERE IS JUST A STUFFED BEAR?”

Shadow Shield sighed and began to drag his subordinate down the hallway. “I don’t get paid enough to babysit you.”

After the guards rounded the corner Anon unfroze.

Score! They totally didn’t notice.

After a few more moments he found the spot that he had chosen to enact his plan. He made sure everything was perfect. Today would be his moment. Today he would profess his love through song and she of the glorious booty would know that Anon was a talented and desirable mate. His talent only matched by his prowess as a lover, which was a talent he was eager to share.

Elsewhere in the Castle, Sol Invictus, The Unconquerable Sun, her shining radiance Princess Celestia rose gracefully from her bed. A bastion of dignity and poise the likes of which can barely be comprehended by mere mortals.

Or as her sister more accurately describes, “She flops onto the floor, hooves waving like a fish out of water until her assistant Raven brings her tea.”

Surprisingly enough the embodiment of the sun did not rise as gracefully as her heavenly body, And at times would refuse to leave bed, especially in winter.

You didn’t thing days where shorter in winter because of some sort of axis tilting mad science did you? Celestia just doesn’t like to leave bed while it’s cold. I mean who would. You bucking sadist.

Crazy Round Equus-ers.

I digress. The Solar Diarch, quadarch… Cinarch? (Too many bucking alicorns) Made her way to her balcony. Properly caffeinated she could now carry out her duty of not allowing the world to freeze and bring the glory of the sun to all.

Princess Celestia watched as her sister lowered the moon from a balcony to the right of her balcony. The younger sister waved tiredly, and preceded to watch her sister begin a new day. Despite what many believe Luna enjoyed watching the sunrise. It signified her time of rest and relaxation.

As the Sun crested the horizon a Scream broke the silence followed by what sounded like Zebracan?

Celestia and Luna turned in shock to see on a balcony to the left of Celestia, was Anon.

He stood with on foot on top of a boombox, wearing a shirt that read “Praise the Sun”

He was singing along, rather horribly, disgracing the Zebracan language.

“Anon what are you-“

“ON THE DAY WE ARRIVE ON THE PLANET, AND BLINKING STEP INTO THE SUN.”

“Anon, Seriously what the hell are you doing. I am in the middle of raising the sun. It is a very delica-”

“IT’S THE CIRCLE OF LIIIIIIIFE! AND IT MOVES US ALLLL.”

“Anon you need to stop. Please. Luna stop laughing. This is not a time to be fooling around.” Celestia struggled to control her magic, focusing for a bit she managed to get the sun in the sky.

“IT’S THE CIRCLE OF LIIIIIIIFE! AND IT MOVES US ALLLL.”

Celestia soon found herself in her place in the world. After teleporting behind Anon. Fury framed the face of the goddess. Anon was oblivious, so enraptured in his singing and in the final note of his song Celestia kicked him off the balcony, his voice trailing the final note as he fell.

“OOOOOOF LIIIIIIIIiiiiifffe.”

Splat!

Luna having made her way to the balcony turned to her sister.

“Tia, Tis thine turn to return Anon to the living. I doth think he admires you.”

“And I him Luna, he makes for very good impressionist art splattered in my garden.”

Somebody

Anon was downtrodden, figuratively and literally. He was being trampled after exiting the train to the Crystal empire. It had been a few weeks since Celestia rejected him and he just didn’t know what to do with himself. He had decided a vacation was in order and he needed to do some soul searching.

After the last filly pronked off of his head Anon got himself back up and began to stroll around the empire. His looming visage drawing the eyes of the various crystal ponies. Eventually he spotted a familiar pair of ponies in the distance. Drawn by the familiarity Anon decided his vacation would be better with some friends.

He didn’t have any friends, but he was hopeful.

As he approached the bat pony pair he was treated to a peculiar sight.

“Clarity!! I told you not to put your tongue on that pole!”

“WAH LAAHAA MA HAALARAAA.”

“Hey you two. What are you two doing in the crystal empire.”

Shadow Shield turned to the approaching human with a sigh. “Clarity is on a mandatory vacation and as with everything she does I’ve been ordered to…supervise her. What about you Anon? What are you doing here?

Looking towards the sun Anon sighed. “I’m just doing some soul searching. I figured a trip to the Crystal Empire would help me clear my mind. Plus I love the snow.”

“AHHH LAAA LA NOOOW LOOO” Lacking Clarity responded vigorously.

“Anon, I’ll be frank, if you can help me out today watching Clarity I’ll listen to your whole sob story of a life, deal?”

Pondering the proposal of the poorly mannered pony, Anon relented. It’s not as if I have anything better to do. Who knows it could be fun.

“Ok, will do. Just a second I have something for this.” Reaching into his bag Anon pulled out a water bottle and poured it on the light pole and Clarity’s tongue. Grabbing her by the waist Anon gave a tug. With a small screech Clarity was unstuck and held baby style in Anon’s arms.

“I’ll just do us both a favor and hold onto this.”

The fuzzy night Pegasus looked up at Anon, a sparkle in her golden eyes and a blush on her face. She had the tip of her tongue sticking out and her forelegs over her belly. She reminded Anon of a big fluffy cat.

Damn, why do ponies have to be so cute.

“So where to Shield?”

“Well, I’m cold so let’s get some hot chocolate.”

Looking down at the pony in his arms Anon gave Clarity’s ears a scritchy scratch, “What do you think of that Clarity?”

“M’kay…”

Shield raised an eyebrow. He had never seen Clarity be this calm and reserved before. Maybe Anon has some mysterious human mind power… I would quit the guard and wear a dress through the streets if that was the case. There is more mind power between a pair of coconuts being rubbed together.

The trio made their way to a nearby shop, Coco and Chandeliers, who comes up with these stores? Anon was convinced it was a mass pony conspiracy to sell completely unrelated items at different shops. He had always took things in stride and the strange nature of the store worked to their advantage as Clarity was too mesmerized by the hanging glittering crystal chandeliers to do anything careless or overall distracting. Afterwards they decided to go through a stroll in the crystal park.

“I swear Anon, she is a ticking timebomb, I have never seen her be this quiet ever.”

Anon scoffed, “Maybe your just a bad babysitter…guardsitter…Sergeant?” Looking down to the little nocturne Pegasus in his arms Anon had a sudden terrible thought. A thought that may just cause the world to explode. Now he couldn’t resist, the call of the void was drawing him in.

“Anon, so what is with you and the Princess anyway.”

Looking up and pushing disastrous thoughts aside, Anon recounted the tale of how he had been magically transported to Equestria. The first kind face to greet him being that of the Princess, Anon had fallen hard. He had stayed at the castle for the first few months. He went on nightly escapades with Luna pranking the nobility and stayed up to watch her sister raise the sun.

His time spend with Luna was like spending time with a sister he never had and watching Celestia raise the sun was one of the most magical experiences of his existence. Together they had shared stories of Earth and of Celestia, Luna all to happy to tease Anon and share scandalous stories of the royal childhood. It was those stories that had brought Celestia from her pedestal of Goddess and gave Anon hope for something more.

“So what in the world possessed you to sing that wretched song?”

“I don’t know it seemed like a good song, unfortunately I’m a bad singer.”

“You can say that again.”

“Yeah I guess I really su-“

WHAP!!

Anon wasn’t expecting the hoof that smacked him in the mouth.

“THE FUC-“

“ANON SHOULDN’T BE MEAN TO ANON!!”

Looking down to the little batpony in his arms Anon’s anger dissipated. A fiercely adorable pout was on her face and she was having none of his self depreciation.

Lip swelling from the swat he received Anon gave in to the temptation. It was tit for tat and Anon booped the snoot of the little pony being a poot. Her eyes crossed and her nose crinckled.

Kicking off of his chest and hovering a short distance away she blew a razzberry and flew off.

“Celestia give me strength.” Shield began to chase after Clarity. “See you around Anon, try not be a dumbass.”

Feeling cross, Anon walked over to a fountain, and began to sing.

“CAAAAAAAAAN”

With a chorus of crystal ponies this time.

“ANYBODYYY,

FIND ME,

SOMEBODY TO LOVE”

Anon Stood on the edge of the fountain, his own personal stage. Dancing and moving through the music.

“TILL THE TEARS RUN DOWN FROM MY EYES!”

A small collection of crystal guards showed up. The clanking of their metal ignored by Anon. His backup singers however started backing away. Princess Cadence followed the guards.

“Here is the source of the horrible singing Ma’am.”

“I swear I can’t take my family out for a picnic without their being some looser singing about how dumb he is.” The Princess of Love mercilessly sighed.

“CAN ANYBODY FIND ME,

SOMEONE TOooooooooooooooooo LOooooOoooOVE.”

“No Anon, your hopeless.”

With a flash of light Anon was teleported to the day court in Canterlot.

“Anon, How fair thee?”

“Luna!! But I was in the Crystal Empire!”

“Was thou singing?”

Anon blushed, “Maaaaaybee.”

“Luna can you take Anon out of court, We still have many petitioner’s left.”

“Certainly Tia, hedgerow or roses.”

“Roses Please.”

The confusion on Anon’s face was quickly replaced by Luna’s back hooves as he was bucked through a window and serendipitously went splat next to the castle’s formerly white roses.

Southern Nights

There where a few things ponies knew not to do. Many of those things were commonplace such as; don’t fart in an elevator, don’t prank a dragon, and importantly don’t forget to return your books on time.

Anon however was not a pony. Surprisingly enough he was not at fault this time. At the behest of Princess Luna, Anon was in the Everfree forest…

At night, where one didn’t belong.

While he was concerned he had Luna with him and a pair of guards, likely more dangerous than the forest he found himself in.

“So Luna, your idea of a good place to practice singing is the Everfree forest?”

The Lunar diarch hummed to herself.

“Our old castle is not far Anon. There you can sing in peace and save me the trouble of killing you. Jests aside there is something else we are on a quest to accomplish.”

There was a time and place for snark and being in a deadly forest seemed like an appropriate time.

“Quest? Are we out here to banish an angry relative? As long as I don’t die I’ll be fine.

A Whap echoed through the forest as an astral tail struct a corporeal moron.

“ Pray thee, have no fear of death Anon, I am here and can resurrect you. Over and over and over again.”

Anon glared at the shapely ass in front of him, her rear was nice too.

“It’s more the pain of being viciously mauled by a creature that concerns me. By the way is all this returning me from the dead a normal thing for ponies?”

It had been puzzling for a while. Yes, Equestria was a peaceful society, but Anon couldn’t help but wonder why the petitioner’s lines in court wouldn’t be overcrowded with requests to revive the dead. And how would a society function if no one ever died?

“I can say this only because my guards are sworn to secrecy. Nopony remembers we can revive the dead. We simply announced it as a human ability when you arrived.”

Huh, I guess that makes sense, though it is really freaky.

“Well is there anything else you’re not telling me?”

Shadow Shield turned to Anon. The rest of the party stopped as seriousness was written all over the sergeant’s face. Taking a few steps, he approached Anon not breaking eye contact. Anon, taken aback by the sudden tension couldn’t look anywhere but the nocturne’s fiery orange eyes. Shield waved a hoof conspiratorially for the larger human to come to eye level. After what felt like ages Shield finally whispered to Anon.

“Your Retarded.”

The erupting laughter from Luna and Clarity echoed in the forest. Tears streaming from her eyes Luna turned to Clarity.

“Doth thou have cream? For it seems Anon just got BURNED.”

At this Shield doubled over and joined in at laughing at Anon’s misfortune. Anon being a manly and mature man, didn’t let this childish prank bother him. He most certainly didn’t run into the forest, tears streaming from his face in shame, crying his eyes out on a fuzzy brown boulder with wings tha-

RRRROAAAARRR

High pitch girlyManly screams

There where claws, teeth, screams, and Anon was pretty sure that was his arm a couple of feet away. The Princess and the guards quickly came out of the brush to address the elephant in the room, or was it manticore in the forest?

“Pray thee stop chewing on Anon.”

The manticore growled in annoyance and grumbled as if it was speaking.

“I don’t care if he is delicious we have a schedule to keep.”

In the immortal language of interpretive gestures and grumbling the manticore’s words would be his last.

“HOW DARE THEE TALK OF OUR MOTHER!! UNFORGIVEABLE.”

Growing concerned Shadow Shield placed a wing on his Princess’s shoulder. “Now Princess, I’m sure he didn’t mean it that way. Maybe this would be a Clarity issue?”

Luna smiled.

Not a generous graceful or nice smile. She smiled the smile that made nightmares wet themselves. A smile that made the nightmare parasite hesitate before possessing her. She turned to Lacking Clarity, in a voice laden with honey she said.

“Clarity, he said Mommy abandoned you.”

-Scene cut due to violence-

After Anon was revived and stopped puking at the gory site that was the manticore, the group continued their journey. Clarity was laying on Luna’s back asleep as a little foal might.

If said foal was covered in blood.

“Luna, what the hell was that?”

A smile returned, this one teasing. “Whatever do you mean Anon?”

Anon struggled with words, he had witnessed the scene in the eleven seconds.

One would think being decapitated would have distracted him, but the things he saw…

It was much more terrifying.

“I thought ponies where peaceful and cuddly and the exact opposite of what will give me nightmares the rest of my days.”

“Anon what would you expect from my deadliest soldier. Despite her everyday clumsiness there is only one pony she has ever fought and not killed outright.”

It was Shield that broke the silence, “And now I’m her babysitter.” The frightened human turned to the nocturne guard and regarded him with near reverence and a newfound respect.

“Ah, seems we have arrived.”

Moonlight shone on the crumbling ruins that was the Palace of the Two Sisters. Luna led the group. A faraway look in her eyes as memories of the past flitted through her mind. Her musing being interrupted by a haunting sound.

Haunting not in the traditional sense, as it was more of a jaunty rockin’ tune.

It’s implications where haunting.

SOUTHERN NIGHTS!!!

“Clarity, Shield, Say here in the courtyard and make sure Anon lives through this song. I don’t want to have to bring him back again. I will be back soon.”

Luna, not wanting to experience this event sauntered off to complete her objective. Something Anon didn’t question or notice. He was very oblivious when singing. Shield however noticed the growing number of eyes gathering in the shadows. The denizens of the Everfree where very grumpy, having been awoke too early.

Shadow Shield could feel his blood plumping, and as horrible as Anon’s singing was, the tune that echoed through the magic of harmony beat and spring in his step.

It was going to be a long night of battle.

And Shield loved every minute.d

Author's Note

Chapter has been sitting around waiting to be finished. Might do a spin of story or might just get into a groove of actually putting out chapters.

Someday

“It’s a right sight to see you out her today with us Anon. I hope you enjoy our festivities.” Applejack beamed proudly. It wasn’t everyday the apple family had a reunion so after the invite from the proud apple mare herself Anon decided it would be nice to be outside with the fresh air…

Not really, he was there for the food. Always for the food. He made sure Pinkie kept him up to date on parties with food so he could always save his cash for import things like porn.

“I wouldn’t miss it for the world Applesnack.”

“Pardon?”

“I mean look a bat!!!”

Applejack whipped around to find Lacking Clarity hanging upside down from an apple tree. The nocturne, having been caught eating a pilfered apple, hissed and hid in the tree. In the shadow of said tree napped a familiar guard. Luna had assigned both of them to start accompanying Anon. Realizing she couldn’t revive him all the time she gave Shadow Shield a bag of enchanted orbs to assist Anon in his resurrections.

Time went on as Anon mingled with the various Apple clan.

There was a pie eating contest. Anon won.

A fritter eating contest. Also Anon.

A hard cider-athon. Big mac won this time, but only because Anon couldn’t well enough out drink a horse. His liver just wasn’t what it used to be.

After receiving a wink and a nod Anon even disappeared in the barn for a bit with cousin Bobbing for Apples, though there was much bobbing it was not for apples. Anon walked proudly out of the barn first with the mare lingering at the entrance way licking her lips. “Call me.”

All in all it was a fairly good even until it came time for the hoedown. Granny Smith stayed on the stage with the record player on while she rocked in her rocker. The pale pony lingering nearby.

Clarity joined Anon near the dance floor with Shield in tow.

“Now Clarity you remember that song I wanted you to sing.” Anon Asked mischeviously. Though Anon Himself couldn’t sing, he knew a plethora of songs from earth that he was taking the time to teach to Clarity. To his pleasant discovery bat ponies where really good at singing, something to do with echolocation and throat control. After taking a moment anon wondered if he had found some talent in the barn as well, but that would be for a different reason.

“SURE ANON!”

In a voice vastly different from her regular shouting Clarity let loose.

“WEEEEEELLLLL we’re all gonna die someday lord,

we’re all gonna die somedaaay,

momma’s on pills, daddys over the hill,

but we’re all gonna die someday.”

The sound of cousin fritter on her fiddle filled the air as a right hoedown began. Stallions and mares dancing to the tune that was full of cheer. If not with a bit morbid lyrics.

All but one mare, Granny Smith, still on stage. Went to sleep for the last time…

Anon was wrapped up in the revelry dancing with everypony else. Until he noticed something. Apple family dance moves involved a lot of bucking, and Anon knew what those hooves could do to him.

PANIC.

Realizing he is in the center of the mass of writhing hooves, that could only be described as applegeddon, Anon looked deep within himself.

“I can do this, I can do this. Its just like tag. Just don’t let the hooves of doom touch you.” Eyes narrowed, Anon lept into action. Dodging hooves left and right, fearing for his life. Reds and yellow coats everywhere, a dazzling spectacle of color that would be disorientating for some.

But not anon, years of video games taught him do adjust. So close to the edge anon sees a flash of light from above but ignores it. He slides underneath Big Mac, getting a big mac across the face as he is finally free of the maelstrom of ponies.

POW.

And on that day, Anon’s balls swelled three sizes larger, mostly from the bruising. He had failed to see Applebloom and had slid out on his knees. Junk fully exposed for the juvenile genital crusher.

“EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE”

Clarity gasped. “ANON!!! LANGUAGE!”

Shield, seemingly appearing from nowhere, handed Anon a bottle of apple whiskey. “Here Anon, For the pain. I know those apple mares can be scary.” Shooting a look into the crowd Shield saw Bobbing For Apples as she gave him a saucy wink. He would never be the same. He had saw things. Felt them too. Felt those two apples when he tried to get alittle too frisky with one he assumed was a mare giving the blowjob of his life.

“Well hey at least no one died.” Said Anon, offending the universe.

“Good thing too. Clarity kicked my saddlebag and sent one of those orbs flying over the crowd.”

“Meh, ALLL right Y’all.” Granny Smith announced. “This here family reunion has finally concluded.”

Anon died that night from alcohol poisoning after Shield told him about Bobbing’s Fuzzy apples.

Author's Note

We're All Gonna Die Someday, by Kasey Chambers. Youtube it. I love it.