The Heat Diaries

by HerpyDerpy55

Rating: teen
Tags: Drama, Original Character, Spike, Comedy, Sex, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 2980

Short Stories on how the different males in Ponyville deal with the constant looming threat of confronting a deranged, sexually-deprived, mare during Heat Season.

Amateur researcher, Sharp Pen, catalogues the different happenings in Ponyville during its Heat Seasons.

This book contains facts regarding the different mares and stallions along with information on how to successfully escape from the former.

Published 2017-12-24 18:30:13 UTC
Last updated 2017-12-25 13:46:48 UTC

Spike (I)

This notebook catalogues the different happenings of the stallions found in Ponyville whenever the Heat Season comes around.

Documented by Amateur Researcher Sharp Pen.

Subject : Spike

Species : Dragon

Occupation : Assistant to her Majesty, Princess Twilight Sparkle; Aide to the local Gem Mining committee held by coal and gem miner, Granite Hooves

I first met the young drake during one of my visits in the marketplace. A kind and hardworking young thing, his loyalties lie to his princess as her aide and best friend. On the months prior to Heat Season however, he stockpiles on wooden planks, pieces of plyboard, nails and these tea leaves he ordered from the Everfree zebra shaman, Zecora. He said that these leaves temporarily delay the effects of the Heat on mares, which he then serves to the princess in specific intervals, to maximize both his stock and its effects.

Though this confrontation with him terrified me with his loyalty and care to his fellow men.

I entered the crystal castle of the Princess one early morning, closing the door behind me as I made sure to keep my mare disguise in top notch quality. A rhythmic thumping made me stop however. It sounded like wood being hit with a heavy blunt object, like a hammer. I turned the corner and immediately stumbled across the dragon.

“Spike?” I questioned his actions.

He looked towards me, and holy Tartarus he looked horrible! His eyes were bloodshot and panicked as he picked up on who I was.

“Alright! Stay back, Stay back!” He pointed his hammer towards me like a sword in vain.

“Whoa! Whoa! Spike it’s me!” I pulled the wig out of my head and backed away from him.

“Wait, Sharp?” He brought his hammer down as he sighed in relief.

“What are you doing here!? You should be in the SPOT right now!” He pointed a claw accusingly at me in rage and concern.

“You know I’ll never stop researching about this phenomenon no?” I cocked my head in response.

“Though I could ask the same to you, you purple lizard.” I followed playfully.

He looked down in sadness and immediately looked towards me, the difference now however was that his was teary-eyed.

“Dude, Rarity claimed someone…”

At first I was hit with confusion, then remembered that he had a major crush on the fashionista.

“Oh, terribly sorry Spike… Who was it?” I questioned in sympathy for the poor guy.

“Some gray Pegasus with a white mane or something, I just saw them across town as I went to the balcony, it was at that time that I realized that today was the start of Heat Season.” He answered in sadness. Poor guy.

I decided to change the subject, “Listen I know you’re heartbroken right now, and I’m sorry for that, but you’ve got to get the hell out of here! There’s literally hundreds of Ponyvillian Mares outside the castle right now, and I’m pretty sure this castle is a PUBLIC area, meaning there’s a chance that a few of them might come in here and ambush us.” I urged him to come with me as I glanced through one of the castle windows.

“Listen if we manage to get to your balcony, I can probably glide from there to Sweet Apple Acres, hide in a tree for a few minutes if it’s saturated with mares and then we’d-WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?”

I looked behind me and he was continuing his work, hammering the damned door with nails and pieces of plank and plywood.

“I’ll get to you in a sec’ Sharp, I gotta protect the others first. Lemee just barricade Twilight’s door and we’ll. Be. Out. In. A. Jiff.” He emphasized each syllable with a strike on the door.

I sighed and looked towards the end of the hallway. And froze.

“Spike, are you certain Twilight’s in there?”

“Yeah, why?”

“Then who’s THAT!?” I immediately pointed my hoof towards the silhouette in the far end of the hallway, a pony with wings, and a HORN.

Spike picked up one of the planks he broke earlier, blew his flame onto it, and shone it towards the end of the hallway. There, the light reflected off of her eyes, and it was only then that she looked towards us with a very sultry gaze.

“Twilight? What are you doing out here? Shouldn’t you be in bed?” He started walking towards her before I stopped him with a hoof.

“I don’t think that’s-“

“Oh Spike, such a good assistant, you always spoil me too much my little drake.” She started walking forwards, we started walking backwards.

“I mean you even went through all that trouble to find me a Stallion, a good-looking one at that.” She winked directly at me.

I’ll be honest, that was hot.

“Well uhh, thank you your Highness but me and Spike were just leaving for… cupcakes! Yes cupcakes! Aren’t we Spike? Spike?” He looked panicked.

“This shouldn’t be happening, the tea I made was potent enough to delay this for atleast a few more hours this is-“

“Oh you mean that tea you put in my bedside?” Twilight put a hoof on her chin as if in thought and immediately put it back down.

“I threw it down the toilet, it tasted a little too bitter Spike, I mean seriously, you know what I like, I think I should punish you and your little friend here.” She glanced across me and Spike with determination.

“And besides,” In a flash of energy, she teleported directly in front of me.

“Sugarcube Corner’s closed right now.” She licked my nose.

“NOPE!”

I grabbed Spike with my forehooves and immediately threw him across my back. He grabbed onto my neck as I flew farther up and bounded across the hallway over Twilight.

“Spike where’s the balcony!?”

“Go forward for three intersections and on the third intersection go left, immediately after that is the stairs leading to the second floor! Then go to your first left and that’s the balcony!” He screamed from my back in panic he gripped my neck harder.

I followed his directions and immediately bounded across the walls in hopes of flying faster.

Once I reached the balcony I tried to catch my breath but as I looked back, the Princess was still there! With her horn glowing. Shiiit.

“Stay still my subject!” She sing-songed in her beautiful angelic voice.

“I’d love to your majesty but I really don’t wanna be a father at the moment, so bye!”

I did a mock-salute as I jumped off the balcony and glided towards the orchard.

“Fly faster! She still has wings you know!” Spike screamed as I glided over town, narrowly missing a higher built roof.

“First, loosen your grip, and second, her wings are way too tense to even begin flapping nor to start gliding. Her wings are set so straight and vertical that she looks like a peacock spider dancing for its mate.”

Spike looked back and there she was, furiously looking at us while pacing back and forth trying to calm her wings down.

“Watch our back Spike, a few Pegasi can easily ambush us from this position.”

“Aye sir.” We glided in silence for the rest of the trip.

Author's Note

Had to edit this chapter 'cuz I wasn't aware that the entire story was in Bold :P

Also, CRITICISM IS VERY MUCH WELCOMED

Spike (II) / Rainbow

Subject : Rainbow Dash

Species : Pegasus

Occupation : Most well known Ponyville Weathermare

Rainbow Dash, a mare well known for her ability to break the sound barrier and unleash a soundwave and lightwave which most of the locals and witnesses nicknamed as a Sonic Rainboom (see attached file for details) If a stallion manages to even catch a glimpse of her multicolored mane, Run.

“Do you see anyone?” I asked Spike as I tried to pry open one of the sheds next to the Apples’ barn.

“Noone at the moment.” He replied while still looking through his binoculars. “Dude hurry it up over there.”

“How ‘bout you try opening it then!” I shoved the crowbar directly on his claws and grabbed his binoculars.

“I flew you here, so you might as well do this one in return.”

“Yeah, yeah.”

We spent the next few moments in silence, other than our own breathing and the sound of splintering wood repeatedly made by Spike.

“What is this thing made off!?”

"Dude, shush!" I urged him to quiet down as his outburst seemed loud enough to attract every mare in the vicinity.

And much to my horror, two mares were heading straight towards the barn.

“Shhit, Spike get down!”

“Wha-mpf!” He failed to continue his phrase as I grabbed his mouth and immediately ran towards the most leafy tree in the orchard.

“Hidehidehidehidehidehidehidehidehidehidehidehide!” I screamed through clenched teeth as I brought Spike up by one of his spines.

“Shhh.” Spike urged me to shut up as two mares, one unicorn the other an earth pony walked through the farm gates, and towards the shed.

“Applejack I think someone was trying to break in your shed.” She said as she inspected the slightly bent crowbar wedged between the door and the wall. “He wasn’t very gentle with it either.”

She straightened the metal and immediately put it in between the door and the wall next to it, and popped the shed right open.

Spike and I looked on with surprise, with glee evident with our eyes.

“All we gotta do is wait for them to leave, grab the note, and we fly straight towards the SPOT.” Spike whispered.

All I could do was nod in response as my eyes were glued towards Rarity. She was looking around and grabbed a few items of interest, what?

“Applejack be a dear and grab this for me?” She levitated a bundle of rope with her magic and held it out for the orange mare.

“Hehe, with this I can easily lasso myself a good boytoy for the next few hours.” She grinned maniacally at the ropes in hand.

“Do catch one for me as well dear!” Rarity responded, still in the shed.

Applejack took her eyes off the bundle and started sniffing the air, and much to my horror she looked directly at me. How is that possible!? “Say Rares’? What’ll ya take, the dragon or the stallion?”

She peeked her alabaster head out of the shed door. “Hello Spikey-WIkey.” She sing-songed.

A moment of silence passed. “Shit.” We immediately bounded away with complete disregard of our fellow peer. Spike ran towards the house, and I ran straight through the orchard.

“Spiiiike, I know you want me! So stop running and take me!” In a flash of magic, she teleported directly in front of Spike and readied a stun spell.

Spike, without any hesitation, jumped with his limber teenage legs and used Rarity’s horn as a jumping platform, immediately dispelling the stun spell. He grabbed onto one of the lower hanging tree branches and with momentum still by his side he swung forward, over the branch and landed feet first onto the branch. He immediately climbed upwards, grabbed an apple and threw it directly onto her horn, functioning as a makeshift horn suppressant.

“Rarity I love you, but I’m really not ready to be a father, I’m not even sure if we’re biologically compatible but I’m not taking any chances, I’ll ask you out properly in the future, but only then will I want to be with you. I promise to work harder for your affections, but you’re not thinking clearly at the moment, so, see ya?”

He jumped from one branch to another until he was out of her sight completely.

“Loyal, caring and very diligent,” She sighed dreamily. “He’s perfect.” She purred.

She immediately teleported herself closer to his direction. “Mine, and mine alone.” Her eyes held a maniacal determination as she ran and teleported herself across the orchard.

Spike could hear the magical bursts from afar, his only response was a fear-laden gulp. The fact that it sounded to move closer and closer to him spurred him to move faster though.

“I’ve lived in these trees far longer than anypony else! So get your feathered-ass over here and mate with me!” The apple pony shouted somewhere in the orchard.

I climbed up the tree and hid, all the while looking around to see if that applebucker was close by.

‘Alright, I should be safe.’

I sighed and leaned back. Looking farther up the tree, where a single zap- apple hung.

“Oh cool, a zap-apple.” I closed my eyes in hopes of catching a few minutes of napping.

Wait. “Zap-apple season shouldn’t be in for atleast two months…” I opened my eyes and found the apple gone.

“Crap.”

“Yep.”

I immediately looked towards my left where the source of the voice came from a very familiar, rainbow-haired, cyan mare.

“Shouldn’t you be running off?” She queried.

“Shouldn’t you be chasing me with your tail up in the air?” I retorted as I balanced myself off the branch in hopes of escaping this confrontation.

“Nah, I drank some of those leaves that Zecora gave us for this kind of situation.” She emphasized this by drinking some sort of hot liquid from a cup she brought with her thermos.

“I can’t go around impressing the Wonderbelts on a bloated belly with a foal in it you know. Well, that and I’m pretty sure I’m not ready for motherhood. She drank another cup.

“So, you’re extremely sane?” I questioned while writing this down on a notepad.

She shrugged. “Eh, the tea’s effects only last for so long until I get the urge to hump something, after that, I have to brew another batch to keep me down.”

I kept the notepad in one of my satchels after that.

“So, why are you here then?”

“To talk to you.” She replied matter-of-factly as she took another dainty sip of her cup.

What. “What? You wanted to talk to boring old me? You, Rainbow Danger, slash, Daring, slash dum-dum Dash?”

She punched me playfully in the arm for that last one. “ How else would I be able to talk to the cute stallion before he hides off somewhere with the other stallions?”

Again, what? “Dash? Are you hitting on me?” I pointed a hoof towards myself, with the other pointed at her.

“I don’t see why not, I saw you gliding down here with Spike on your back. That takes guts by the way.” She praised.

“Escaping from the sultry clutches of Princess Bookhead herself, bringing along a fellow brother in arms. You’re loyal to your friends, like me.” She took another sip.

“So all one needs to do was help a brother out and you’ll be attracted to ‘em? Damn I gotta tell this to the boys.” I joked.

“Please don’t.” She deadpanned. “Also, I dunno, you just have this thing about you…” She trailed

We stood in silence for what seemed like forever until she broke it. “Though, that isn’t the only reason why I’m here.” She held a gentle, friendly smile as she looked at me.

“Oh? What’s that?” I tested.

“I hunt for the other mares.” She said smugly.

What. “WHAT!?” I looked at her for any sign of her just playing around. Found none.

“Since I’m saner than most ponies, I make myself useful by chasing other stallions around and throwing ‘em onb the first mare that comes to mind.” She checked her hoof for imperfections while telling me this.

“Dash, listen. I’m willing to do anything in return for your silence.” I was in full-on business mode.

“Really?” Her ears perked up. “Maybe even a date once the heat season settles down?” She looked towards me with an eager smile on her face.

“Oh! Um… Sure! Of course?” I answered haphazardly. How else should I respond to this?

“Alright, lets shake on it.” She motioned her hoof towards me.

I stared at it in uncertainty. “Of course, Rainbow.” We shook on it.

“So, when and where?” Rainbow asked me taking another sip on her brew.

“Well, I think we should visit that new place that opened up across-“

“GANGWAY!”

I looked towards the source and saw Spike bounding straight towards us. On his tail, literally, was Rarity clinging on for dear life.

“You’re mine you scaley hunk of a stallion!” She screamed maniacally.

“Rarity get off him!” Both Rainbow and I rushed towards his aide, all the while balancing ourselves on the large branches of the trees.

“He’s mine you multicolored fillyfooler!” She held a piece of branch in her magic and struck Rainbow directly on the head.

Rainbow didn’t have the time to react as the small piece of wood struck her in the head. “You take that ba-“

She immediately fell in a pile of leaves accumulated at the base of the tree.

“RAINBOW!” Spike and I screamed as we looked towards our now unconscious ally.

“Just get the note from the shed and let’s book it!” Spike shouted as he held Rarity back with the same branch she used to whack Rainbow upside.

“I got it awhile ago! Grab on!” I set my wings out and urged him to grab on.

“I’m coming! Rarity, I’m sorry for this.” He whacked Rarity in the head which then resulted in her crossing her eyes while moving her head in a circular motion.

“Oooooh, I wouldn’t mind a threesome, Spikey-Wikeys.” She then promptly blacked out.

“Alright let’s go. She should be out for a few minutes.” He grabbed onto me with his face noticeably a few degrees redder than usual.

“This trip’s gonna take a while, Spike.”

The note simply had two words.

ZECORA’S HUT

I could hear the applebucker’s scream of irritation from up here.