...But Can You Stick Your Dick In It?

by Iorii

Rating: mature
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Cadance, Fetish, Comedy, Random, Shining Armor, Violence, Sex, Profanity
Length: 2851

After finding out he's been sexing a bug for the last few days, Shining Armor decides he needs to find out what else he can stick his dick into. Cadance disapproves.

Shining Armor finds out that he's been sexing a bugpony instead of his wife for the last few days.

His interest piqued, he decides to see what else he can stick his dick into.

Cadance disapproves.

Trigger warnings: Literally everything, eventually. Send help.

Partially a Barcast collaboration. Appropriate authors will be in author's notes.

Published 2017-12-29 18:50:06 UTC
Last updated 2018-08-24 22:39:45 UTC

Intro

“Wait, so I’ve been sticking my dick into a bug?”

Cadance looks down, her front hooves restless. “...well, technically yes, since Changlings are part-bug…”

After a few moments of silence, Cadance looks back up at her husband, and finds that all of his cognitive functions had temporarily stopped. She stepped next to him and gave him a little shake. “Shining, are you alright? Is there anything you want me to do?”

The glaze in Shining’s eyes slowly faded, and he began muttering to himself.

“I’m sorry, Shining, what did you say? I didn’t quite catch that.”

Shining turned towards Cadance and gave her the most serious stare he’s even given to her.

“So what else do you think I can stick my dick into?”

Gopher Holes

Author's Note

Author: Lord Celtic Stoner

Triggers: Gophers, dicks.

Gopher Holes

Lately, Shining and Cadence have been getting numerous compliments from both the royal guard as well as the citizens of the Crystal Empire about small little rodents running around, digging holes and tunnels everywhere, causing trouble and mayhem for any pony unfortunate enough to happen a hoof or two into these holes.

“Shining! We got another complaint about those gopher holes, that’s the 10th one this week! Some pony is going to end up getting seriously injured if we don’t do something soon; I think it’d be best if we just brought Twilight’s friend Fluttershy in, she has a certain way with animals.” Cadence said as she waltzing into the throne room and started paced around.

Shining knew that Cadence was going to suggest bringing in Twilight or one of her friends to take care of the issue, she always did. But in typical stubborn husband fashion, Shining told his wife not to bother and that he’d take care of the issue himself.

Cadence didn’t buy it, but figured that even if she did call in Fluttershy, her husband would find time in between to get himself into some sort of trouble but decided to see what exactly it was he had in mind before having the letter sent off.

Meanwhile outside, Shining Armor was wandering around inspecting the hundreds of holes dotting the ground around the castle and neighboring buildings, trying to figure out ways of getting the gophers to come out of the holes. He continued surveying the area when he spotted one of the gophers popping up to steal a loaf of bread out of a nearby basket when Shining tried to blast it with his magic, missing horribly and instead causing a bigger hole to form in place of the much smaller one. Cadence watched on, silently judging from high above on the edge of the balcony. “Sometimes I question why I married that stallion…” she said to herself.

Shining quickly filled up the hole and thought about just flooding the holes with water but figured that would probably just piss his wife off more. “Oh! Maybe I can lure them out, with something they’re bound to pounce on! Now, what do I have on hand that never fails to attract cute little creatures…” He said to himself as an idea finally clicked in his head.

He wandered to another part of the castle grounds, watching for gophers till he spotted one next to a building. He quickly made a running leap towards it, causing the gopher to duck back inside. But this did not deter Shining, he positioned himself squarely over the hole and rammed his dick down into it “C-Come on you little bastards, come get some of this nice juicy dick!” He said as he tried pushing it further in, grunting as he felt the sand and pebbles grind against his dick.

The gophers, on the other hand, were simply huddled in a corner in one of the many twists and bends, watching on as the snake-like penis bobbed up and down. They chirped and squeaked to one another as they nodded and ran back deeper into their tunnel. Shining, realizing he probably fucked up, tried to pull his dick out of the hole only to find it had become stuck in the hole.

By now, Cadence had begun to wonder what was taking Shining so long and where he was when she heard a knock at the door. She opened it to reveal one of the guards with the local elementary school teacher who did not look happy at all. “Oh, this ought to be good…” She said as the teacher cleared her throat “Yes… Well, how do I put this, your majesty, um Prince Shining Armor is… stuck.” She said as a faint blush adorned the school mare’s cheeks.

“What do you mean… stuck?”

“W-Well I can only imagine it had to do with gopher problem but how it came to this I can’t say… it’s best if you just see for yourself.”

The teacher pointed to the direction of the schoolyard as Cadence quickly trotted over to the nearby window and glanced out it and down to the schoolyard below where she came face to face with Shining, desperately trying to free his dick as the school fillies and colts were being rushed inside before they caught a glimpse of their ruler’s...ruler.

Cadence’s jaw dropped like a lead weight and she facehoofed incredibly hard and shook her head “I… I don’t even know anymore, can one of the guards please go retrieve my idiot husband and bring him to me, I have a lot to do today and this is not helping…” She ordered as the guard and teacher took their leave and left Cadence to herself. She wandered to her nightstand and levitated out a tumbler glass and bottle of amber liquid. “Curse these ponies, they drive me to drink…”

Vacuum Cleaner

Author's Note

Thanks, Flutterpriest

Warnings: Vacuums,
mild gross-out, dick.

Vacuum Cleaner

It's another sunny day in the Crystal Empire. Huh. Something feels weird about that line.

Oh well.

Shining Armor sits on the bed of his bedroom, bored. His wife is currently on a trip to... somewhere? He was a bad listener. And she made sure he knew it. So it gave him quite a lot of free time.

And you know exactly what happens when you're bored? You masturbate.

Shining's rod was stiff, and he knew it. But he wanted to try something a little more special than a hoof. He wanted to shake things up, since lotion was getting a bit boring and he wasn't feeling classy enough to masterbate into a condom. That was only for special occasions.

"But what? What do I masturbate with?"

He read something somewhere about using a cup and marshmellows to make a fake vagina, but it just sounded so... gross. And wasteful. Could you imagine? Going down to the kitchens of the Crystal Castle and asking the staff for a bag of marshmellows, a huge cup, and no questions? Yeah. No. It had to be something creative. Something with easily disposable evidence. Something that can rub, or add pressure, or vibrate.

Not a vibrator. That would be gay. Shining was a lot of things, but not gay.

Then, he set his sights on the vacuum cleaner that the maid had left in the room. He had came into the bedroom somewhat unannounced. So the maid said she would come back later.

"Huh," he said to himself, looking over the cleaning machine. "Does this have..."

Sure enough, on close enough inspection, there was a hose which was designed to get hard to reach areas. He turned on the device, and switched the succ to the hose attachment.

The whirring of the machine echoed through the room as Shining placed a hoof to the hose. The hose sucked with such an intense force, that it stuck his hoof right to the hose.

He smiled.

Oh yeah. This was perfectly safe to put his dick in. It be like a dry... weird... Blowjob.

So, he brought the hose down and slid it over his dick.

That was when everything bad began to happen. Because when a vacuum cleaner has something stuck in it's hose, it sucks harder to compensate.

An ear piercing shriek rang through the castle as he tried to pull the hose off of the base of his dick.

His dick, which was apparently thinking: "Oh, is this sex? Time for sex now." quickly swelled, and lodged itself completely in the hose.

Shining screamed and tugged, but the harder he pulled, the more it felt like he was going to rip his dick clean off of his body. But if he didn't try, it felt like someone put a fucking clothes hanger on the tip of his dick.

"OH MY GOD WHAT DO I DOOOOOO."

Then, he realized he could turn off the vacuum cleaner. So he did.

Then he collapsed on the ground, trying to catch his breath.

He looked around the room, lying in a pool of his own stupidity. His eyes moved to the door, and his breath caught in his throat.

"Uhm," the maid mare mumbled. "I-I'll come back later."

Then, the door closed with a soft click.

See, this is why Shining married Cadance. He needs a buffer between him and his own ideas. To be fair though... that wasn't as bad as what he tried next...

Keyboard

o9uhny7jo9m,rfdec ohbdhsf9uheihbj yg7v655yh67mur556fx mj lkpmkn m[p;,km
n[

Author's Note

no, you can't.

Crystals

Shining bolted away from his deep and actually quite disgusting and perverted sleep. He turned to his left, only to see the rest of the bed, which was quite empty, beside him. Unable to hold back a sigh of disappointment, he fell back onto his pillow, only to accidently smash the back of his head against the crystal headboard, sending him reeling off the bed and onto the floor.

Once the ringing stopped echoing inside of his head, he pulled himself straight up and wandered off to the bathroom. There was no way he was going to fall asleep at this point, and he figured a warm bath was a good replacement for the body heat his not present wife wasn’t giving him.

As the bath began to fill, and after dumping literally all the bubble bath chemicals he could find in the bathroom, he glanced back at the empty bedroom before his eyes rested over the crystal headboard his head has just previously hit.

And that’s when it hit him.

Throwing the psychotic crystal headboard off of him and out the window, that’s when it hit him: crystals. He hadn’t tried sticking his dick in crystals yet. He had tried to stick his dick in crystal ponies, yes, but not actual crystals.

I’m a genius, he thought to himself.

He creaked open his bedroom door, and after checking ahead of him, and to the left, then to the right, and seeing that the coast was clear in each direction, Shining finally opened his bedroom door, making sure to be quiet as possible. Which wasn’t very quiet, considering that the door and the hinges were made out of crystal, and that he had to bust open the lock to the door. What sound does creaky crystal hinges make anyways? Fuck if I know, just think something up on your own. You have a brain.

As for the lock — which was on the hallside of the door — ever since he started his attempts of sticking his dick into things, Cadance had become increasingly strict and restrictive of where Shining could go and when in fear of what her husband might do to the part of him that mattered.

And while that makes perfect sense and should be used as a time to muse over the mess one might've caused themselves, this is Shining we're talking about.

Stopping in the middle of the hallway and double-checking that the coast was clear, he sneakily trotted down the darkened hallway, with only the moon giving him any light. Probably not a good idea on his part, as his sight fucking sucked and he kept bumping into the walls and various decorium lying around the castle.

After possibly waking up the entire castle, he finally reached the staircase leading down into the depths of the castle. Still being near blind, and not thinking of lighting his horn, in case it might reveal his position, he stepped forward, only to trip on the first step and begin rolling down the entire flight of stairs.

Cadance felt a tremor. A very minor one, but it was there nonetheless. Barely stopping herself from leaping out of her seat, she began running the calculations in her head, and a smile quickly returned to her face. There’s no way Shining is going around doing something stupid. Even if he did, he’d just be destracted by the little rubber ducky I left him. Leaning back into her seat, she reached into her bag to grab...a rubber ducky.

“FUCK.”

With one last ‘OH FUCK MY FUCKING LEG AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SHIT FUCK OH THAT’S MY TENDIE’, Shining landed with a splat in the underground crystal cavern located about ten steps under the castle. Righting himself up, he went over to a random crystal and gave it a good look over. Feeling a drop of water on his nose, he looked up to see some water leaking through the floor.

He rested his head on his hoof and put on a thinking face. Was he forgetting something?

Returning his attention back to the crystal, he furiously beat his boypussy, letting it grow to full length before returning his attention to the crystal and thrusting forward.

Tink.

His area fit for erectile dysfunction only bounced off the crystal. Frowning, he tried to thrust forward again.

Tink.

No matter how much he tried, it seemed like his skin rod of baby making couldn’t penetrate the crystal. He sighed and shrugged.

“Well, seems like there’s always something between a rock and a hard place.”

Ceiling Fan

Author's Note

I regret everything.

Triggers: Ceiling fans, dick.

Ceiling Fan

Shining was about to answer the age-old question: can you really get your dick stuck into a ceiling fan? He kept hearing his soldiers joking about how they “accidentally got their dicks stuck in ceiling fans from unclear instructions”, and decided to test it for himself.

If he could stick his dick into a monstrosity, he could stick it into an inanimate object.

He enters their personal kitchen, up and out of the way from anywhere else in the castle beside his and his wife’s bedroom. The ceiling fan slowly spun, giving the room a slight chill, but Shining flicked the switch off. Better not make it too complex.

He steps up onto the kitchen table and looks at the ceiling fan a bit closer. He wondered: where would he stick his dick in? And how would he get his dick that high? He wasn’t the best at hoof stands, but he decided he could at least try.

Seeing that his nether regions successfully reached that high, he poked his erect cock against the machine. The crystal felt cool against his skin. He shifted around a bit, and quickly found that his dick could fit in between the mechanisms that turned the blades and the base that held the fan to the ceiling. Excited on his findings, he hopped off the table and went to turn on the fan. It resumed its slow spin, the slight breeze in the room returning. Excited, he hops back up onto the kitchen table and quickly sticks his dick into the gap.

“SHIIIIIINIIIIIIIIIIING!”

Cadance called his name again through the crystal halls, and still failed to get a response. A small pout appeared on her face. “Shining! Where are you? Today’s court was really tiring and I REALLY need a good dicking right now!”

Still no response.

She sighed. Maybe he was sleeping in their bedroom. Or he was waiting for her, dick full mast, really for her inviting lips…

Oh, that was hot.

She quickens her pace towards their bedroom, but paused when she heard a soft groaning from the kitchen. It sounded like Shining. She wondered why he was in the kitchen, he knew fucking nothing about cooking.

She steps into the kitchen and sees Shining having a DIY flight on the ceiling fan. With his dick in it.

“SHINING WHAT THE FUCK?!”

The unicorn looks up at his wife and gives her a sheepish grin. “Uh...the instructions were unclear, got my dick stuck in the ceiling fan.”

“What instructions?!”

“...on how to get your dick stuck in a ceiling fan.”

Cadance pulled Shining out of the fan, who in turn gave a short whimper of pain as his sore dick felt the change in pressure. She pulled him to her face and gazed into her eyes. “Shining. It looks like your dick is a bit sore. Maybe you should give it a little rest tonight?” He gave her a small nod, and she giggled in response.

“Tough luck, fuckcolt. I’m going to make it a lot worse.”