The cavern torches glinted off the smooth faces of crystalline stalactites. Ponies were taking their seats all across this cave auditorium. Somehow, Maud Pie felt in her heart that this was the place she always wanted to perform stand-up comedy. Here were people that she could make some of the most basic of jokes to. Maud’s comedy was very precise sniping remarks, poignant observations, quips, and any other short form of comedy. Fewer jokes, more meaning. Efficiency. This speechcraft was one which she had refined for years, and this'd surely be one of her more testing audiences.
The intro played, a very simple melody by an old violinist she knew in her small town growing up. His soothing melodies made the grueling rock farm work better, like spoonfuls of sugar.
“Thank you all for being here,” Maud said. They applauded out of respect; none of them had previously heard her comedy.
“You might find me curt. No, I just think about what I'm saying before I said it.”
There were a few chuckles. Perfect, Maud thought. An ice breaker.
"I am sorry for being late; got held up. I took a train to Appleloosa before I came here. The sheep on the tracks delayed it. See, this is why we keep them in pens.”
The crowd laughed somewhat. This cave was in a town south of Appleloosa, so many ponies in her audience had taken that train before. Getting to know the crowd was critical to comedy. Sometimes, jokes had to evolve on their own. Some improvisation was required of Maud.
“So, what about Discord. Minimal development. No thoughtful, careful design. Does not live up to the superior predecessor. Q. Skype. Why was a superior thing changed and adopted for the worse? Discord? The most basic of jokes.”
More laughs.
“Discord can snap his fingers and get whatever he wants… jewels, chocolate, cotton candy… he can have everything that his heart desires. Everything except a better personality."
Yet more laughs; a few hysterical uproars peppered through the audience.
“My sister Pinkie told me that the Discord, the changelings, Starlight, and others were reformed. Great. Now who will we fight?”
A few chuckles. Never mind, Maud thought. That was just a setup.
“Our defense budget is almost as big as Celestia.”
Uproarious laughter. Maud breathed a sigh of relief. This crowd was okay with a few political jokes.
“How about those luxurious galas? I'm sure that Granny Smith's elderly, decrepit hips are enthralled in delightful agony.”
Even though most present had never even heard of Granny Smith, they still laughed because to them it represented healthcare spending compared to defense. The most basic of political jokes. It worked.
“I study rocks. Sediments make me sentimental.”
A few chuckles. Not a very punny audience.
“In my study of rocks, I've learned many truths about life.”
Silence.
“I have learned about bedrock. It's what supports us. It is the most basic of rocks. Basic like my humor.”
A few chuckles like scattering bees.
“I hope you like my stinging humor. I would hate to bee unfunny.”
Vanilla laughter. A few unbudging sticklers.
“I try not to insult my audience, but some of the rock doctorates here are unwilling to laugh. Doctor, heal thyself.”
A few self-deprecating laughs.
"The best medicine after all. Self-deprecation. Say, how about unicorn self-levitation? Very haughty the way a few of them just wrap themselves in their own magic and float around. How rude. I mean, would you ever hug yourself in public?”
Many laughs. Good. She'd gotten out of that humor rut earlier.
“My friend Starlight has floating herself around as a nasty habit. At least it's not as nasty as enslaving whole villages.”
The crowd went wild. Many of them knew of Starlight or had seen her.
"My sister Pinkie Pie. I love her, and her jokes, even though her humor is 'random' and childish, and appeals mostly only to small toddlers. Her jokes are flat. Maybe the fact that I like her, and her humor, makes me a joke."
One of the ponies pointed and laughed at Maud. A heckler? No, maybe just somepony who apparently didn't like something about Maud, but had been endeared by her willingness to crack jokes about herself. Introspection rocks.
"My friend Twilight Sparkle, who you all know as a princess of Equestria and longtime hero, has many strengths. Also faults. She is so neat and organized. She keeps a tidy, efficient house. But she does not keep a tidy, efficient mouth. She lacks doctoral refinement. No succinct thesis statements for this mare."
Time for an impression.
"My name is Twilight Sparkle! I am so delightfully pleased and rambunctious to meet you! I'm also very rangy and wordy and in no ways an appealing friend to anypony who destiny didn't force me to hang out with. I get all my friends through destiny, though. So I never have to change! Being cool? Who needs that when you can be geeky and nerdy and get all the 'friends' that you want! I'm a walking contradiction, but I don't care that I am, because I can give you an exact definition of what contradiction means in four different languages and five different editions of various dictionaries. Egghead? What does that mean? Let me check my books."
The crowd roared with laughter. Twilight Sparkle gave few public speeches, but those that she did were long and boring. Maud hated boring. But she was friends with Twilight nonetheless.
“You've been a terrific audience,” she said. “Maybe more terrific in your academic success than in your success in self-deprecation.”
Many laughs. At least most rocktorates were not beneath this.
“That is all the time I have for today,” Maud said. “Actually, I have far more time in my day, I'm just not willing to spend anymore here.”
A few closing chuckles.
“Oh, one more thing. I hate set times for doing things. Comedy comes when it wants. Hearths’ Warming Eve. I hate arbitrary, inflexible limits. 1,000 words.”
Author's Note
A prime comedy cut from my upcoming fimfic novella, "The Starlight Gilmmer Dilemma."
