Rules To Live Byby gwambatChaptersThe Insanity DilemmaAttempt 2 'Conquest'Weird JurnexsussThe Insanity DilemmaRules To Live By The Real Author's note : due to boredom and a want to write fanfiction for MLP FIM (or really contribute to said fandom), I will be writing this (for now) story in the perspective of a pony as a first attempt at fan fic. so bear with me, Thanks! The very important note: these rules can NOT always be implemented and should not always be used. furthermore these rules are at best suggestions from my perspective and as such should NOT be trusted to help all or most of the time. Lastly my opinions, advice, views, suggestions, rules, etc. will no doubt contradict some reader views, opinions, advice, suggestions, morals,etc. so read at your own risk of disliking this book or myself. Enjoy... Rule #1 : There is no such thing as an original idea. Ok, Thats a Lie. There is such a thing as an original idea. But in the world of modern pony sciences and innovation, chances are that your brilliant idea has been thought of. I have no doubt in my mind that as I write this at least one pony is contemplating, is doing so, or has done so in writing a book of strikingly similar fashion to this one. So what does one do to get their idea out there and either succeeds or fails? Cheat, lie, steal, research, something radically different,or work really hard. Then you have ideas that are abstract and are harder to bend and change, those are the ones ponys fight over. and lastly we have remarks, sayings, and general stuff.I should say now that when we steal ideas, it's mainly subconsciously or purely coincidence. The real key to most ideas though is whether it needs to be said. For example: It hurts to be stabbed in the leg. No buck it hurts to be stabbed in the leg, one trial and error (or in this case success) will tell you that. there's really no reason to vocalize being stabbed in the leg other than "ow" or maybe a bit of colourful language or the occasional blood curdling scream or cries for help as you realize that the pony presumably in front of you just stabbed you in the leg. I realize that there are tons of situations that I am not covering in what to say when stabbed in the leg. But like being stabbed in the leg, I don't think there is much to be said other then the obvious. Of which I have listed some already. Knowing my luck and my lack of social knowledge, there will be a book if there isn't one already, about describing the appropriate things to say when stabbed in the leg and its title will be something along the lines of "What to Say When Stabbed in the Leg, and Appropriate Responses". (Author) Another note: due to a promise, I can not erase or edit out what i say or ramble on about. So if i get sidetracked or off topic and it becomes hard to understand what i was originally saying, i apologize. Rule #2 : Be Yourself, but Only Sometimes Contradictory to what most ponies say, if you be yourself all the time you will get in trouble some way. Or maybe lose an opportunity somehow. Let me give an example: You are attending a fancy dinner at a noble's country manor In an attempt to impress said noble and have him agree to funding a charity foundation to give orphans advanced technology (you're really just doing this for your brother, who came down with a nasty case of hay fever. You have no idea what orphans need with advanced technology). Arriving early, you immediately take the seat next to the noble at the head of the table in the “grand hall”. While waiting for the rest of the guests to arrive, you put your plan to action: get him drinking, get him talking. What you weren't expecting was this plan to work so amazingly well. By the 2nd drink he’s already rosy cheeked and talking about his past. if you had any doubts about how long this nite is going to be, they were just smashed. The fact that you're taking pretend sips so your wits are about you, only makes it worse. You learn that he has been struggling with anger mangement all his life and has been in therapy for the past several years but it has been going badly as his 4th wife mysteriously disappeared several weeks ago. He's been having more frequent bursts of rage. Trying to steer away from this conversation, you ask him about his country manor. To your dismay, this leads to a discussion about his severe paranoia. How he got attack dogs lately, patrolling the woods surrounding his country manor. He also describes several other "deficiencies against unknown threats" like the buried mines, electric fences, retractable flaming spikes, and the bombs underneath the bridge leading out of the woods. You ask him why you never saw any of these things on your way to the manor to which he replies “It would be dumb to have them in plain sight.” At one last attempt to change the subject, you blurt out the first thing to come to mind which is "banana". The noble immediately brightens up and discusses his love for bananas as he grabs for his 8th drink. You secretly hate bananas and were mentally scarred by them but chose not to tell him. after listening to him ramble on about bananas (and scolding yourself for bringing them up), he mentions in a much darker tone that before his 4th wife went missing, they had a huge argument about her banana hate in this very house. To your relief, the 1st course appears in front of you which is...bananas. everypony (you just noticed them) immediately eat up and when you don't follow suit the noble asks you "what's wrong, don't you like a few good bananas?" What do you do? The obvious answer is: LIE THROUGH YOUR TEETH AND EAT THE BANANAS LIKE YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT. ... ok, maybe that isn't the best example (Who am I kidding? That was filled with other solutions and was a completely ridiculous premise.) Let's try again... What I'm really saying is at one point or another you are going to get into a situation where you should not act like yourself. Why do you think curiosity killed the cat? It was because he was acting like himself (...just ignore that terrible example). The times when you shouldn't act like yourself are usually pretty obvious too. Attending a show attempting to impress a friend? But usually really loud and need to move around alot? Shut up, sit still, find a quiet outlet, and wait it out. Or you know...watch the show. Really basic stuff like that. Don't get me wrong being your own pony is awesome. But when a stallion has you cornered and there's no way your body would be found in the forest, LIE THROUGH YOUR TEETH AND EAT THE BANANAS. From what i've seen and heard when acting like yourself all the time you usually become a revolutionary leader, dead, or somewhere in between. The Insanity Dilemma What? Did you think this was just an advice book? No, this is an advice book written by an insane pony. which means stories from my retelling of days events in which I hope to convey important information and lessons at my expense. For all of you who thinks this is funny...well I really have no comeback for that... The 3rd note : I really hope this note thing doesn't become a regular thing. Regardless, in an attempt to hide my identity from the masses I will be using a cover name for myself in these stories. Although if you know anything about me then it will be relatively glaringly obvious what my real name is... Ditzy Doo was a mare with a problem: she thought too much. And with much thinking, thinking led to more thinking. So much thinking that it was troublesome. But when thinking is what you do, can you call it trouble? Ditzy looked at her clock by the door and realized she was going to be late for work. Which also answered her question, yes it’s trouble. With one last look at her front room (pretty plain, nothing special. Only one piece of furniture, a wood table with a clock and a key bowl on it by the door.) Ditzy closed her front door and was off. Only problem about flying to work though was it was rather dull and tedious. Which meant thinking was a rather plausible option of entertainment. It’s not like there weren't other forms of entertainment, she could talk to ponies who got up early to go to work like she did. Or play I Spy with herself, or just stare into the sunrise (that one wasn't one of Ditzy’s favorites). But like most mornings, Ditzy was pressed for time. Talking to ponies involved stopping and saying something interesting or something to not waste their time. It was impossible to keep score in I spy if no one kept score. And watching the sunrise always lead to disaster....Always. So without much thought, it was time for thinking. As it was something one didn't have to think of clever topics, keep score in, or explain to other ponies why for the 11th time that month Ditzy had crashed into their wagon, stall, house, pony, barrel, etc. Thinking could incorporate all those things, but it was a relief that it didn't have to (to Ditzy at least). That was the wonderful thing about thinking, it was about anything you wanted and incorporated anything you wanted...unless you didn't want to think then you passively thought. Wait a minute...Ditzy stopped flying and landed in the middle of town square. Is it possible to get sidetracked about thinking with thinking? Ditzy was now in full ponder mode. It's not every day you realized something interesting and pulled out the ponder mode. Ditzy finally came to the conclusion that: yes you can get sidetracked about thinking with thinking, as she had just done so. Now that is some pretty serious thinking. The music started playing again, as Ditzy headed to the post office now on hoof. The post office was just around the corner and there was really no need to fly there as it was just around the cor- Hold up....Music? Ditzy stooped again, then looked around. Nopony was there. In fact the scene in front of Ditzy was one of those tumbleweed nopony was there moments. Which means... Ditzy was now in ponder mode again. The only pony around was Ditzy, so the music was in Ditzy’s head? Had she been imaging travel music on her way to work? That...she supposed was possible. What would travel music sound like? Probably busy, as she was in a hurry and such tas- Hey!... wasn't town square always busy in the mornings? Ditzy looked around the town square again and was confronted with eerie silence once more. Not even the sleazy pony who sold “exotic” goods from his coat was in his usual corner (though Ditzy did like his top hat). Something was up...something that Ditzy would investigate after wor- work, Ditzy had forgotten she was going to be late for work. Ditzy flew as fast as she could around the corner straight for the door of the post offi- *SLAM* The post offices door was shut and locked. Ditzy finally put the pieces together. It was Sunday and Ditzy had woken up at the crack of dawn to go to work...on her day off. Not only that but she had put a dent in the post offices new reinforced door. The new door was replacing the one Ditzy sent flying off its hinges last time she was late. Ditzy picked herself up and wobbled to the nearest bench (quite a feat considering that the nearest bench wasn't that close). This was a common enough occurrence for ditzy and this time was saved the humiliation and embarrassment as nopony was around. Odd considering you still had a few ponies around town square Sunday mornings. Rule #3 : Life is going to slap you right across the face from time to time. When life is making lemonade, it makes sure to squirt you in the eyes with lemon juice as well. Everypony has their bad days. Granted some have it a lot worse then others, but the same crappy feeling of a horrible day is still there. I find it refreshing in a sense. To be pulled down from my mental high straight back down to the cold, hard floor. Don’t get me wrong, I don't enjoy slamming head first into a reinforced heavy wooden door. But I have come to expect that things like this happen. Whether it be daily or yearly, it will happen... eventually. What differs between most ponies though is how much you complain about it . If you constantly complain about it, it only gets worse. I’m (theoretically) LOOKING at YOU. YOU know who you are, SO knock it off. Not EVERYPONY wants to hear about it, in fact very few ponies want to hear about it. It's fine if you want to complain about it a little, BUT NO PONY WANTS TO CONSTANTLY HEAR ABO- Sorry about that, where was I? Ditzy had been sitting on that bench for several hours now, watching the town slowly come to life, her headache finally disappearing. But the fight in her head was worse then ever. It started out with “You're a klutz.” which then went to “Are banana peels actually slippery?” which lead into “Is lemon juice sticky? Or slippery?” which was followed by the inquiry “I wonder if there are bands who would try scientific experiments live on stage?” which went to “Their remix album would suck.” quickly followed by “Definitely sticky.” and now “You think to much.” Both Ditzys in Ditzy’s head were now on the verge of a screaming match. one was valiantly defending her and the other assaulting the castle. It was clear that that Ditzy had the upper hand. After 3 days siege, the draw bridge was blown up. Now allowing the assaulters build their own bridge, but the defenders weren't about to give up. they expected this and now we're preparing a counter bomb. The haze of battle was thic- Wait a minute...this started out as a screaming match and was now a full blown storm the castle scenario. Well now there was no doubt left, even Ditzy’s mental arguments about overthinking were over thought. So how does that tie in to the storming the castle? Err... After a few moments pause, Ditzy slammed one hoof on the bench and proudly proclaimed “ I’ve got it!” The attackers realized that they were in fact...storming the wrong castle. After a few quick apologies to the defenders and showing them where they could improve their structure, they set about regrouping and set off to the much larger and imposing castle in the distance. So back to the problem. “You think too much...” Right. So how do you fix thinking to much? Distractions? That could work. What's the biggest distraction you know? Ponies. Among ponies what are the biggest distractions? Friends, acquaintances, lovers. Ditzy had too many acquaintances and was no way ready for a romantic relationship, which left....friends. Ditzy was now worried. She had practically gone her whole life without friends. The only friends she had were from very young ages and she could not remember them now. This was going to be difficult. It’s not like she hadn't been trying to make friends, she really had. Ponies just thought she was insane (the bad kind, not the good kind of insane). So this is it. This is do or die. Ditzy Doo was going to make a friend, even if its the last thing she did... on her day off. They all thought she was insane... and they’re probably right. BUT they're wrong on the bad part. She was going to prove that she was the good kind of insane even if it killed her. The kind of insane pony that you enjoy tea with on a sunny Sunday afternoon. Who’s making a friend today? “I am...” I can't hear you. “I am.” Ditzy said louder. What was that? “I AM!” Sorry? I swore you said something. “I AM!” DItzy was now yelling, standing high and proud on that bench. Allright! Now go get ‘em! Still oblivious to all the ponies staring at her, Ditzy was now doing some stretches and grunting exercises. This was the big one, the one she had been training for. D-day of friend making. THE cat's pajamas. “OH, IT. IS. ON.” Ditzy suddenly pointed at a staring pony. “YOU, WHAT'S MY NAME!?” “D-Ditzy doo...” “THAT'S RIGHT, AND I'M GOING TO MAKE A FRIEND.” A very audible grumble came from Ditzy’s stomach. “AFTER BREAKFAST.” “It’s noon...” “AFTER LUNCH.” Ditzy doo was now in the hospital. She had managed to get food poisoning from bad muffin “spectacular” from sugar cube corner. Or was it spectacle? either case she was now in a lot of pain. “Patient 32, I regret to say this but we're going to have to pump your stomach.” The nurse sounded anything but regretting. Jurnexsuss: A event or series of events were the main character dosent do much but other characters may or may not do things. Attempt 2 'Conquest'4-Note: Now that I have attempted and succeeded at writing the first part of this book. The first thing I’m going to say is: that was hard, tedious, and weird. Have you tried writing about yourself in 3rd pony? It's weird. Practice makes better I suppose... Rule #4 : Have You tried Turning On and Off Again? ...It’s honestly hard to talk about this one. It’s not even presented in a rule manor. It’s a question and an irritating one at that. Somepony tells you this when they think you're incompetent or they themself are incompetent in whatever you're trying to fix. I’ve even heard this said when you can't even turn it on and off. Not clear enough yet? Is your clock working? Have you tried turning on and off again? Fan ‘kablazed’? Have you tried turning on and off again? Robot on the fritz? Have you tried turning on and off again? Having a mental breakdown? Have you tried turning on and off again? Marital problems? Have you tried turning on and off again? This is implied everywhere. I could pull some philosophical crap about restarting or something like that. But I and hopefully you both know that at heart Rule 4 is one of those statements that is just so simple and frustrating that there’s really no point in masking it to be something it’s not. And that is ‘deep’. Rule 4 is just one of those ‘so blunt it’s sharp’ kinda things. The weird thing is that it works. Most things that can be turned off and on again will fix its problem if done so. Even worse it seems to work at random. So when you finally convince Tech support to send somepony to come help you fix your problem, they turn it on and off again and it works. Then they look at you like your an idiot and charge you. Can I explain this? Not in the slightest. Why is this a rule? ...It would sound stupid if I told you without telling you the whole story. I’ll tell you later on. What I will tell you is don’t disregard this rule. This one works just like the others, situational convenient. Rule #5: There are No constants I can imagine it now, somepony is going to read this and say “what?!?? what about Time? and the Sun? or Equestria?” First of those are all horrible examples. and secondly... Rule #5b: There are Only constants Trust me i’ve thought about that. Pick a side any side, I cain’t tell you which statement is more accurate. No... really I caint. I don’t know myself. Hence both of them sitting there mocking me. When I seem so close to thinking on one side I get something that pulls me to the other side. Then I thought about this: There being No constants...is constant. Which means The No constant is the only constant... This kinda crap hurts to think about sometimes. Ok so we are going to take a little break from rules. Not because they're boring or anything like that. No, Its because I have pages to fill because its good to talk about other things. I believe last time I wrote a chapter for this book I believe I was talking about the first time I tried making a friend. That went splashingly didn't it? But anyways, today we (I) are going to talk about ...well multiple things (don’t judge me i've been in writers coma for the past few weeks, A good writing exercise will help me get my groove back). Discussion 1: DEATH If there is one thing that will get this book not published or sued (besides it not being good) it will be my utterly stupid and tasteless opinions. What can you say about Death?...Too many things thats why you have books like: Death and You, a Guide to All things Dead. and my personal favorite: Malicious Intentions, and Consequences. And before some smart donkey sends me mail about which death I mean, Yes I mean Death. The one about Dead things. All the context above points towards the dead not the hearing impaired. There not even spelled the same... Anyways, our society at large avoids death like the plague. You don’t talk about it, you don’t tell ponys about it, You FEAR it: For it is DEATH. Try going to a party and get a 30 to 40 minute discussion going about graveyards with a random pony. I won't deny it’s not possible, but you sure do get bad responses. And sure, you do get the occasional necromancer, necrophiliac,and necromantic that will gladly talk to you about graveyards But the general response is negative. And why is that? Three reasons. One: FEAR Two: Respect Three: Memories The only one I really get is the respect thing. yes, yes, bad memories. But really the dead are dead. There's no helping that. I'm pretty sure I'm missing something. Because when i've looked at the people that were close to me who have died, I don't get overcome by sadness or anything just...nothing really. the closest thing I guess would be respect. Moving on to FEAR before I say anything more stupid. I don't understand this one either really, At some time or another it becomes common knowledge that you realize that Everypony dies (...besides Celestia...and Luna...and Discord an-NOT immortal souls, those ponies die Ok?). Suddenly you got to do something before you die. So let me ask you a question. Will you do something Important in your lifetime? Yes No I don't know... I've done so already Who cares? I'd like to try I think this question has caused more midlife crisis than most ponies give it credit for. Its also up to a lot of interpretation and different measurement. a successful Author or a model could say they have and so could a farmer or a middle class civilian. But have they really? This question is hard to answer seriously. I'd like to think that our society is based on this idea/question and the mind sets and stereotypes that go into the 6 answers above. So back to Fear And Death. This question followed by pain and then unknown = mass panic and FEAR. This is why I’d like to think Death is scary to most ponies. I...I don't get it. If this is really it, Then i'm lost. Do You get it? please tell me. If anything, Death should be a relief after all the crap Life consistently throws in your face. Unless you're like some sorta super masochist I would think death be about as appealing as life. And even as the super masochist Death would be like this ultimate thrill the you don't want to achieve because you want to feel the pain of a near death experience over and over. I can't even say that and feel like thats right, any extreme masochists out there will have to send me a letter to tell me if that assumption is right before I ever say that again. So what is it? is it the pain of death? Hate to break it to you but if you die you won't feel pain anymore. Is it pain for others? why should you care? you're dead. Is it the Unknown? At some point or another you got to take blind steps forward to make progress. Is it a physical entity of death? I don't know about you but i think it would be neat to talk to somepony like that. Even if it did end with my immediate removal from existence. In other words, I JUST DON'T GET IT De: Or in other words why I brought this up (De= Discussion End).I brought this up because if you're anything like myself you're A: a social introvert who needs to be told stuff before you make a fool of yourself B: like thought provocation or C: Tired of just having conversations with oneself. Why death specifically? cause’ nopony seems to want to talk about it. Besides....its intresting. Discussion 2: Muffins Vs. Cupcakes This one is tough, they both serve different purposes. But if I have to chose one I Better list off the benefits,roles, and disadvantages of each respective party. So lets start. The Muffin A muffin is pretty simplistic in recipe (most the time) and is good as a breakfast item. Thats not really what it is. The muffin at heart is pure. The simple taste and presentation of a muffin is outstandingly deceptive at first glance. Imagine that you're eating a muffin. What do you eat first? The stump, the top, or both at the same time? It is just a muffin though, so you expect a baked bread kinda taste. But suddenly, after your first bite. It’s not just a breakfast enhancer that you expect to be somewhat like baked bread. Its a Muffin. A delicious mixture of many things that its its own kind of unique flavor. The amazing feeling of the taste as you eat it only increasing. The sensation of wholeheartedly pureness emanating from it as you eat it. There is nothing complex about it, It is that simple and pure. That is why a Muffin is so widely accepted. That...and they're delicious The CupCake When your eyes first set site on a cupcake several things are pretty clear. 1. It kinda looks like a muffin with frosting on it. 2. I kinda want it. 3. This thing is Bad. Not that it won't taste good (although that could be the case). Its bad in the sense that its a gooey sugary treat saying “come at me” and could be a worthy adversary for the easily upset stomach. And several cupcakes? You know that it will be a stomach ache latter but you don’t care at the time. The taste is what you’re focusing on. If you had a cupcake before you know what it will taste like, but it compares nothing to what it actually tastes like when you're tasting it. A cupcakes badness seems serial almost. you know while you're eating it, its setting you up for a queasiness thats most unwelcome, Or a toothache thats unpleasant, And more unsettling is it goes straight to the thighs. If cupcakes were any bad...er, they would be wearing sunglasses and black leather coats. They are bad to the bone...the cupcake bone...moving on. The Problems Muffins are pure but lacks...something and Cupcakes are tasty and bad. De: I don’t like to say I have a favorites but in this case I do. I don’t think I have to say which is my favorite (its obvious is it not?). So what's your favorite? In Vs. situation its always fun to hear more opinions so send me a letter on your opinion. course’ this is asking ponies at least 1 year in advance due to editing and publishing (thats if I get lucky) so remind me what topic were on. ...there I go again, thinking ponies will actually send me letters or that ponies will read this. *Ahem*... where was I? Attempt 2 ‘Conquest’ Believe it or not after I failed miserably the first time I did Try again. This time was more successful...Kinda. I Think? Grey with a yellow mane, eyes crooked with yellow irises and wings of moderate size. Ditzy always thought her appearance was distinctive. Not that it mattered really, she never really cared about her appearance. Ditzy was standing in front of her mirror staring intently at her reflection. As like previous times, it was almost noon and Thanks to the “Muffin Incident” Ditzy was given 2 days leave from work. Ditzys reflection smiled you're here early “I got the day off” so you go to the mirror room? “I can visit any room I want” so why this one “I...I wanted your advice” So what is it this time? money problems? Did Hal finally fire you? did somepony be mean to you again? “How do I make a friend?” pfft- How should I know? I'm only mean to you yet you come back anyways. “You're getting nicer” have you tried talking to ponies? “tried that, next?” uhh.....Hey! why ask me? Go ask an expert or something. “Is there a expert on making friends?” To Some ponies this exchange would be strange. To Ditzy its company. Very argumentative, irritable, mean company...that appears as her reflection. Ditzy never really thought about it really. One day she started talking to her mirror and it talked back. Lately it has been getting nicer, it used to do nothing but tease her. Ditzy would say its a freind but- HEY! We have been thru this before! You are Not a friend. you may have given me a room but that does not make us friends. You're my caretaker if anything... -it had other ideas. Less friendly ideas apparently. Are you going to just sit there and narrate to yourself? go and find a friend expert. “Where would I start?” I can't do everything for you “...fine” This was do or die take 2. Time for OPERATION: JUNO PROJECT First objective: find the Friend Operator ...Did You really just make this a Mission? And why is the friend expert the operator? “Shut up, TIme TO COMMENCE JUNO PROJECT” MISSION START “the Pink Party Pony” the stallion in front of Ditzy answered. He put down his newspaper, looking surprised. “I thought you had work today Ditzy” the stranger knew her name? AND her work schedule? AND ANSWERED HER QUESTION? “just...who are you?” Ditzy stumbled over her own words. This is weird. Who just gives you a confident straight answer to ‘Who is the Operator’? apparently brown stallions, with dark brown manes and a eyeglass cutie mark. “you don’t...know who I am?” Now he looked worried “N-No...Should I?” The light in his eyes seemed to fade a little. He quickly stood up and crossed the table he was at. The cheery outdoor atmosphere of the cafe was all but silenced. “ what did you do earlier today” “excuse me?” “what did you do earlier today” “T-talked to my mirror” some reason Ditzy thought it would be better to answer truthfully “Juno” “what?” “your Miroir, Juno. Thats her name.” The stranger was now barely an inch away from Ditzy. This was now full blown weird now. Juno? Like what Ditzy named her operation (project)? Could this guy get any creepier? “Complement me, And please don’t ask questions. just do it.” “your eyes are...pretty?” Ditzy felt kinda dumb now. Did she really just say that? Why was this stallion so serious anyways? “The degeneration process hasn't started yet...How early is The Juno project?” Forget full blown weid, this is somepony hooved you drink and then you're in the woods wearing tattered socks and a backpack filled with rocks. How would anypony know about something she made up earlier that day? No pony in town seemed to care or be creepy enough to spy on her. “It...started today. How do you know about that?” yet again The truth seemed like a good idea to Ditzy. Although saying anything seemed like a good idea, just who is this? “...Today!?” now Ditzy did it. He looked horrified. “Is that...bad?” “I need to leave, right now. Ditzy, Don’t do anything drastic without my signal. Trust me on this, I'm your Friend not your enemy” with that he trotted away. Friend? FRIEND?!?! HOLD THE PRESSES “WHO ARE YOU” It occurred to Ditzy later that she could have chased after him. The whole thing was bizarre. He seemed completely serious about it... If he was to be trusted. Then Ditzy should go look for The ‘Pink Party Pony’. Are you just going to sit there and stare at me? “oh...sorry...” Geez, you're more scatter brained than normal. Still thinking about that stranger? “yes...” I like the name. Juno...sounds Important. Ditzy was back in her house, in the mirror/’Juno’s’ Room. There wasn't really a reason to be there. Just good spot to think. Ponder mode in full kick. Isn't obvious? Go test if this guy is correct. You never found the ‘friend operator’ anyways. You even thinking about it! Theres not many pink ponies in town so this should be pretty easy. “Unless its not a pink pony, that could just be a code name.” I suppose...how bought the ‘party’ part. Whoever would pick their name to have party in it must have to do something with parties. “Maybe, maybe not...” Well its are only lead. SO what was the last party you went to? “Well I wasn't really invited, they just kinda pushed me in there...” Still counts. So where was it? Ponyville Library was always a strange building to Ditzy. Why a tree? Now was not the time to figure it out though. just knock, its not that hard... “Allright...I can do this” Ditzy took a deep breath and knocked. *Thump* What was that? Sounded like it came from inside. Did something drop? I always hate it when that happens. That must be brutal in a library...to knock over books that is. Well not so bad that you burn them after the 50th time that it happens. *Ka-FWAMP* *BUMf* *DU-Du-DU-du-Du-DU* *BAM* That sounded like it hurt... The door opened to reveal a very tired looking baby dragon. “Hello?” Ditzy looked at the sky. It was barely evening, so why was he asleep? No, Focus Ditzy you're on a mission. Say Hi and get straight to questioning. Ask questions later. “you alright?” Crap! that wasn't what I meant to say. Please don’t notice... “yeah, I'm alright...I don’t think we've met. Im spike.” Spike offered a claw and ditzy shook it. He was at the party...I think. I’ll ask him first. “Hi, I’m Ditzy Doo, what can you tell me about The “Operator”? Also goes by the name “Pink Party Pony”. Weird JurnexsussRule #6: See That Pony over There? He’s an idiot. ( The Idiot’s rulezzz) Let me level with you here. Where would we be without an occasional idiot? Nowhere thats were. What society fails to realize is that we need idiots. If you're good enough then you can trade your ‘Idiot’ title for the ‘Insane’ title. What ponies fail to realize is that most socity changing things are set in place by idiotic actions or by idiotic ponies. I suppose if you want to be “Politically Correct” here you would say “Different” or something like that. But me and (I hope) you both know that It is Idiocracy that defines the significant changes of society. By that logic, Everything is Defined by Idiocracy... I Like It Do you think anypony would notice if I made a word up, used it, then put the definition somewhere in the book in invisible ink? Lets find out. Happy hunting! The word is Jurnexsuss and it perfectly describes this chapters story (thats not the definition for those who are wondering) Anyways, this rule is my chance to really make a shoutout to all the idiots and insane ponies out there. So wherever you are keep on do on what you do because nopony does what you do quite like you do. got it? Before we go any further, I'm not saying that everypony should drop what they're doing and become idiots because it’s better. No, Not at all. Everypony is a little idiotic, we just need some ponies to be more idiotic than others and love it while doing it. Those ponies out there who are very public about there idoticorcy, I salute you for your courage. That is something I struggle to do. Lets start that story... Weird Jurnexsuss Quick recap from last time. After Talking to my miroir “Juno” I started “Juno Project” with the first objective was to find The “friend operator”. A pony with exponential skills in friend making. Right away I found a mysterious stallion who told me a lot weird things and claimed to be my friend. But more importantly he told me that the friend operator also goes by the name “ Pink Party Pony”. After talking to “Juno” again I went to Ponyville Library to ask around for The friend operator. You know...If I didn't know better I’d say my life is a weird mix of Rule #3 and Rule #6 that or fiction. “Pinkie Pie?” “yes, that name screams her!” Spike was waving his claws in the air. His seat even moved a little. Ditzy and spike were sitting at the Library kitchen table. Why was there a kitchen in the Library? Ditzy had no idea. Same reason there was a baby dragon who cleaned it. Spike quickly put his hands down, and blushed a little “If you know what I mean” “Well I don’t think I've met Pinkie Pie so I can't say but I do know what you mean” Ditzy smiled He’s really cute when he’s nervous. he’s pretty cute in general. He probably Hates that. “so why were you cleaning the library when you fell asleep?” Ditzy asked “Twilight’s been studying really hard lately, So I've been cleaning up after her most recent study session. It’s a lot more work than I usually get so Thank you for helping clean up.” “Anytime” sounds like he’s prone to sleeping from exhaustion. Well...more than the average pony. That must be a really big pain. “you really mean it?” “Of course, I wouldn't say it unless I meant it. I do work weekly so If you want my help ask on sundays or after work” It’s not like I have anything else to do anyways. “Thanks!” Spike smiled He seems so childish. I wonder how quick that will change? maybe it won't... “So Pinkie Pie huh? Where would I find her?” If Ponyville Library was strange then Sugar Cube Corner was strange x2.The bakery that was also made out of sweats. It’s clever, cool even. But practical? not so much. Of course it could be plaster or something like that but then why go through all the trouble to make it one of the most distinctive buildings in town? I Just realized thats the answer. If it’s distinctive than ponies come back. Well I feel stupid. I wonder if wrote down all my questions over the years if I would realize the answers like that... Probably not, back to it then Ditzy Doo didn't visit Sugar Cube Corner that often, so to walk in and see all the different treats and colors was a little startling. Sugar Cube Corner was just one of those different places. Those places that seem to scream abnormal but it’s ok because it put on mask and a suit so it looks somewhat like other buildings. Strangely enough nopony was around. From somewhere else you could hear the noise of various machines. Dishwasher maybe? Pretty loud Dishwasher if that was the case. The entire place was big and open. The glass counters seemed like an afterthought to somepony’s living room. The entire place felt like somepony’s house that was weirdly transformed into a bakery. Only To confuse the problem further was the fact that the outside was heavily customized to be what it is, while the inside feels very house like. Sure the walls have candy canes and other decorations on the walls but the floor plan and the entries and exits... yet again pointing back to the building in the suit and mask thing. This place had its charm though. like the elegant designs and creative foods they made up, For better or worse. The “muffin incident” case and point. Every Time you went there was something new to try. Tough seeing as Ditzy had been there a grand total of 3 times (including this one) so she wasn't really the best judge of that. The exsotic tastes treats case pitucalarly stood out, Todays choices? Jawbreaker eclaris, Gummy moose, and...A Muffin Cake? Oh, I got see this. There In it’s full glory was a Three layer cake with a muffin on top and a quick description of the cake on a card taped to the glass. This cake couldn't get any cooler! There was even icing writing on it!: Ditzy, If you're reading this then avoid the forest until after next month's large storm. There is something there that doesn't belong. something incredibly dangerous. - Your friend, The Doctor The cake just got 20% werieder. Don’t jump to conclusions, It could be a joke or a different Dittzy. Just cause you had a really weird day doesn't mean that this Muffin cake message is for you. Just go find the “operator” before this day gets stranger. How long have I been standing here anyways? Is there a bell or something? There was Infact a bell, Right next to the alligator. you gotta be kidding... Well at least It’s small. Are alligators the one to be wary about or was it crocodiles? The real question Is do I dare to get near this thing? The alligator stared at Ditzy then bit down on the bell and ran off with it. “You know what? I’ll try again tomorrow.” Ditzy Doo always liked walking through the park at nite. It was strangely alive and completely dead (If that makes sense). Nopony around, just the occasional lamp post and bench that followed the path. It was a perfect place to think. Or...do whatever ponies did at the park. What did ponies do at the park? Think I suppose. Thats what I do at the park. But then again I'm one of the strange ones. I'm the one who ponies point at and say “see that mare? she’s an idiot!” or scoff at me when I mess up. I’m the pony who never had any friends or went to events. I’m the pony that was never really that smart. I’m the pony that ignored real things because she preferred the illusions. I’m the pony that was broken from the start. I’m the Idiot Not the good kind of idiocracy but the bad kind. The kind of idiot that you wonder how they ever got through school. Ditzy had stopped walking a few minutes ago. Glazed eyes and a small frown on her face. I'm...the pony who exists so other ponies can be brilliant. Ditzy continued walking, her house was on the other side of the park. She could always fly there but walking was always more relaxing to Ditzy. Besides walking didn't have wind resistance and wasn't really cold to do at night. Why trouble yourself over this? you accepted this while ago. did you think this would change? ...yes, just a little. It’s been 6 months since you’ve been here. No pony cares about you. What about the stranger? and the muffin cake? or spike? Maybe... but never get your hopes up because some pony is nice once or says he’s a friend. Do you remember last time you just assumed things? yes I remember. And what happened? … Thats right. Maybe...maybe Ponyville is different. Yes It’s been 6 months but I didn’t really acknowledge that I needed a friend until...yesterday. I've just been in my own little world...like usual. I need to stop seeing ghosts and see ponies instead. Seeing ghosts? nice comparison. you know what I mean I don't think I do this time what was I even thinking about before that? Pinkie Pie watched Ditzy walk by from a nearby bush. She knew before that there was a un-happy pony in town But This was dire! Just look at that frown! This called for drastic measures! Pinkie Pie Style! Gummy nodded then blinked. Allright! Time to go in... The 5th Note: for those of you are curious, I interviewed all the ponies for the different perspectives in my stories. Rule #7: Phenomena theory There are certain things that you won't be able to explain and you never will be able to. That's it...Really thats it, nothing more. Go drink some punch or something. I don’t want to write some philosophical examples or some crap like that. You really want a example? *Sh-zamm* “why do we exist” *BAM* strait from the “Overused Plot Devices” book and “Questions You Never Want to See On Your Test” book. Isn't it brilliant? Perfect for conversation starters and horrible jokes alike! Now I can actually give good examples for this (that aren't overused like Noponies business) but this rule has A LOT of factors determining it. So It’s really up to perspective on this one. I’m sure that An “ALL KNOWING BEING” could answer a lot of questions. But that just raises more questions. Maybe the “ALL KNOWING BEING” could answer them but would you really understand? Which is the entire point of this rule. There are some things you shouldn't understand and so you won't understand. but wouldn't you like to know? Discussion 3: Cooking While On Fire Yay Or Neigh? Have you noticed in the Insanity/Idiotic theme of this part of this book yet? But In all serious, Weird things happen. Including cooking on fire. I have touched on Idiocracy several time now, In the positive way with rule 6, In a negative way with what I said about myself in the story, and now this way. Which is...? This way. Back to the topic. You know when you're talking to somepony (usually a friend) and your just kinda throwing out ideas like “ what if, WE WORE CLOTHES” “Clothes?” “Yah, CLOTHES” “So Risque” “...I don't know” “You mean like socks, and Shirts, and Pants? or we talking just saddles” “I mean the whole SH-BAM” “...can we try something else?” “I personally have no problems with it” “OH COME ON, Why Not?” “It’s just so...” “Thats ok, we can think of something else” “...Thanks” *Grumble* *Grumble* “ It’s still better than that sparkle idea” You know... stuff like that. Those ideas that seem like a good idea but you can't be really sure until you say it. Or maybe you do go through with it. And suddenly you find yourself in a wagon atop a hill that goes off a cliff and the pony sitting behind you is lighting the fireworks strapped to the sides of the wagon while telling you “ Don’t worry! I doubled checked my father’s parachute!...I think I left it with the helmets.” Keep in mind neither you or the pony behind you is a pegasus. I completely forgot where I was going with this. Well, lets just roll with it. So you and your buddy (I'm assuming here) are stuck (you're covered in sap) to picket fence on top a cliff while a 20 foot tall bird is staring at you, From 5 feet away from its nest and you only have a pickaxe. Not a common situation but still very plausible (so I have learned). There are situations where the only thing you can do with it...Is roll with it. De: I hope you can all relate to this. The sheer weirdness and idiocracy of certain things. Maybe you can't relate to being covered in gasoline while the pony across from you is saying “Don’t worry! By the extra heat of your flame this thing will be cooked right before you feel it! I’ll put you out when it’s cooked...” But I'm sure you can relate to something like that... Maybe not... But the best thing you can do about it (In my opinion) is just roll with it. Or not get in those situations. So, Cooking while on fire, Yay or Neigh?
The Insanity DilemmaRules To Live By The Real Author's note : due to boredom and a want to write fanfiction for MLP FIM (or really contribute to said fandom), I will be writing this (for now) story in the perspective of a pony as a first attempt at fan fic. so bear with me, Thanks! The very important note: these rules can NOT always be implemented and should not always be used. furthermore these rules are at best suggestions from my perspective and as such should NOT be trusted to help all or most of the time. Lastly my opinions, advice, views, suggestions, rules, etc. will no doubt contradict some reader views, opinions, advice, suggestions, morals,etc. so read at your own risk of disliking this book or myself. Enjoy... Rule #1 : There is no such thing as an original idea. Ok, Thats a Lie. There is such a thing as an original idea. But in the world of modern pony sciences and innovation, chances are that your brilliant idea has been thought of. I have no doubt in my mind that as I write this at least one pony is contemplating, is doing so, or has done so in writing a book of strikingly similar fashion to this one. So what does one do to get their idea out there and either succeeds or fails? Cheat, lie, steal, research, something radically different,or work really hard. Then you have ideas that are abstract and are harder to bend and change, those are the ones ponys fight over. and lastly we have remarks, sayings, and general stuff.I should say now that when we steal ideas, it's mainly subconsciously or purely coincidence. The real key to most ideas though is whether it needs to be said. For example: It hurts to be stabbed in the leg. No buck it hurts to be stabbed in the leg, one trial and error (or in this case success) will tell you that. there's really no reason to vocalize being stabbed in the leg other than "ow" or maybe a bit of colourful language or the occasional blood curdling scream or cries for help as you realize that the pony presumably in front of you just stabbed you in the leg. I realize that there are tons of situations that I am not covering in what to say when stabbed in the leg. But like being stabbed in the leg, I don't think there is much to be said other then the obvious. Of which I have listed some already. Knowing my luck and my lack of social knowledge, there will be a book if there isn't one already, about describing the appropriate things to say when stabbed in the leg and its title will be something along the lines of "What to Say When Stabbed in the Leg, and Appropriate Responses". (Author) Another note: due to a promise, I can not erase or edit out what i say or ramble on about. So if i get sidetracked or off topic and it becomes hard to understand what i was originally saying, i apologize. Rule #2 : Be Yourself, but Only Sometimes Contradictory to what most ponies say, if you be yourself all the time you will get in trouble some way. Or maybe lose an opportunity somehow. Let me give an example: You are attending a fancy dinner at a noble's country manor In an attempt to impress said noble and have him agree to funding a charity foundation to give orphans advanced technology (you're really just doing this for your brother, who came down with a nasty case of hay fever. You have no idea what orphans need with advanced technology). Arriving early, you immediately take the seat next to the noble at the head of the table in the “grand hall”. While waiting for the rest of the guests to arrive, you put your plan to action: get him drinking, get him talking. What you weren't expecting was this plan to work so amazingly well. By the 2nd drink he’s already rosy cheeked and talking about his past. if you had any doubts about how long this nite is going to be, they were just smashed. The fact that you're taking pretend sips so your wits are about you, only makes it worse. You learn that he has been struggling with anger mangement all his life and has been in therapy for the past several years but it has been going badly as his 4th wife mysteriously disappeared several weeks ago. He's been having more frequent bursts of rage. Trying to steer away from this conversation, you ask him about his country manor. To your dismay, this leads to a discussion about his severe paranoia. How he got attack dogs lately, patrolling the woods surrounding his country manor. He also describes several other "deficiencies against unknown threats" like the buried mines, electric fences, retractable flaming spikes, and the bombs underneath the bridge leading out of the woods. You ask him why you never saw any of these things on your way to the manor to which he replies “It would be dumb to have them in plain sight.” At one last attempt to change the subject, you blurt out the first thing to come to mind which is "banana". The noble immediately brightens up and discusses his love for bananas as he grabs for his 8th drink. You secretly hate bananas and were mentally scarred by them but chose not to tell him. after listening to him ramble on about bananas (and scolding yourself for bringing them up), he mentions in a much darker tone that before his 4th wife went missing, they had a huge argument about her banana hate in this very house. To your relief, the 1st course appears in front of you which is...bananas. everypony (you just noticed them) immediately eat up and when you don't follow suit the noble asks you "what's wrong, don't you like a few good bananas?" What do you do? The obvious answer is: LIE THROUGH YOUR TEETH AND EAT THE BANANAS LIKE YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT. ... ok, maybe that isn't the best example (Who am I kidding? That was filled with other solutions and was a completely ridiculous premise.) Let's try again... What I'm really saying is at one point or another you are going to get into a situation where you should not act like yourself. Why do you think curiosity killed the cat? It was because he was acting like himself (...just ignore that terrible example). The times when you shouldn't act like yourself are usually pretty obvious too. Attending a show attempting to impress a friend? But usually really loud and need to move around alot? Shut up, sit still, find a quiet outlet, and wait it out. Or you know...watch the show. Really basic stuff like that. Don't get me wrong being your own pony is awesome. But when a stallion has you cornered and there's no way your body would be found in the forest, LIE THROUGH YOUR TEETH AND EAT THE BANANAS. From what i've seen and heard when acting like yourself all the time you usually become a revolutionary leader, dead, or somewhere in between. The Insanity Dilemma What? Did you think this was just an advice book? No, this is an advice book written by an insane pony. which means stories from my retelling of days events in which I hope to convey important information and lessons at my expense. For all of you who thinks this is funny...well I really have no comeback for that... The 3rd note : I really hope this note thing doesn't become a regular thing. Regardless, in an attempt to hide my identity from the masses I will be using a cover name for myself in these stories. Although if you know anything about me then it will be relatively glaringly obvious what my real name is... Ditzy Doo was a mare with a problem: she thought too much. And with much thinking, thinking led to more thinking. So much thinking that it was troublesome. But when thinking is what you do, can you call it trouble? Ditzy looked at her clock by the door and realized she was going to be late for work. Which also answered her question, yes it’s trouble. With one last look at her front room (pretty plain, nothing special. Only one piece of furniture, a wood table with a clock and a key bowl on it by the door.) Ditzy closed her front door and was off. Only problem about flying to work though was it was rather dull and tedious. Which meant thinking was a rather plausible option of entertainment. It’s not like there weren't other forms of entertainment, she could talk to ponies who got up early to go to work like she did. Or play I Spy with herself, or just stare into the sunrise (that one wasn't one of Ditzy’s favorites). But like most mornings, Ditzy was pressed for time. Talking to ponies involved stopping and saying something interesting or something to not waste their time. It was impossible to keep score in I spy if no one kept score. And watching the sunrise always lead to disaster....Always. So without much thought, it was time for thinking. As it was something one didn't have to think of clever topics, keep score in, or explain to other ponies why for the 11th time that month Ditzy had crashed into their wagon, stall, house, pony, barrel, etc. Thinking could incorporate all those things, but it was a relief that it didn't have to (to Ditzy at least). That was the wonderful thing about thinking, it was about anything you wanted and incorporated anything you wanted...unless you didn't want to think then you passively thought. Wait a minute...Ditzy stopped flying and landed in the middle of town square. Is it possible to get sidetracked about thinking with thinking? Ditzy was now in full ponder mode. It's not every day you realized something interesting and pulled out the ponder mode. Ditzy finally came to the conclusion that: yes you can get sidetracked about thinking with thinking, as she had just done so. Now that is some pretty serious thinking. The music started playing again, as Ditzy headed to the post office now on hoof. The post office was just around the corner and there was really no need to fly there as it was just around the cor- Hold up....Music? Ditzy stooped again, then looked around. Nopony was there. In fact the scene in front of Ditzy was one of those tumbleweed nopony was there moments. Which means... Ditzy was now in ponder mode again. The only pony around was Ditzy, so the music was in Ditzy’s head? Had she been imaging travel music on her way to work? That...she supposed was possible. What would travel music sound like? Probably busy, as she was in a hurry and such tas- Hey!... wasn't town square always busy in the mornings? Ditzy looked around the town square again and was confronted with eerie silence once more. Not even the sleazy pony who sold “exotic” goods from his coat was in his usual corner (though Ditzy did like his top hat). Something was up...something that Ditzy would investigate after wor- work, Ditzy had forgotten she was going to be late for work. Ditzy flew as fast as she could around the corner straight for the door of the post offi- *SLAM* The post offices door was shut and locked. Ditzy finally put the pieces together. It was Sunday and Ditzy had woken up at the crack of dawn to go to work...on her day off. Not only that but she had put a dent in the post offices new reinforced door. The new door was replacing the one Ditzy sent flying off its hinges last time she was late. Ditzy picked herself up and wobbled to the nearest bench (quite a feat considering that the nearest bench wasn't that close). This was a common enough occurrence for ditzy and this time was saved the humiliation and embarrassment as nopony was around. Odd considering you still had a few ponies around town square Sunday mornings. Rule #3 : Life is going to slap you right across the face from time to time. When life is making lemonade, it makes sure to squirt you in the eyes with lemon juice as well. Everypony has their bad days. Granted some have it a lot worse then others, but the same crappy feeling of a horrible day is still there. I find it refreshing in a sense. To be pulled down from my mental high straight back down to the cold, hard floor. Don’t get me wrong, I don't enjoy slamming head first into a reinforced heavy wooden door. But I have come to expect that things like this happen. Whether it be daily or yearly, it will happen... eventually. What differs between most ponies though is how much you complain about it . If you constantly complain about it, it only gets worse. I’m (theoretically) LOOKING at YOU. YOU know who you are, SO knock it off. Not EVERYPONY wants to hear about it, in fact very few ponies want to hear about it. It's fine if you want to complain about it a little, BUT NO PONY WANTS TO CONSTANTLY HEAR ABO- Sorry about that, where was I? Ditzy had been sitting on that bench for several hours now, watching the town slowly come to life, her headache finally disappearing. But the fight in her head was worse then ever. It started out with “You're a klutz.” which then went to “Are banana peels actually slippery?” which lead into “Is lemon juice sticky? Or slippery?” which was followed by the inquiry “I wonder if there are bands who would try scientific experiments live on stage?” which went to “Their remix album would suck.” quickly followed by “Definitely sticky.” and now “You think to much.” Both Ditzys in Ditzy’s head were now on the verge of a screaming match. one was valiantly defending her and the other assaulting the castle. It was clear that that Ditzy had the upper hand. After 3 days siege, the draw bridge was blown up. Now allowing the assaulters build their own bridge, but the defenders weren't about to give up. they expected this and now we're preparing a counter bomb. The haze of battle was thic- Wait a minute...this started out as a screaming match and was now a full blown storm the castle scenario. Well now there was no doubt left, even Ditzy’s mental arguments about overthinking were over thought. So how does that tie in to the storming the castle? Err... After a few moments pause, Ditzy slammed one hoof on the bench and proudly proclaimed “ I’ve got it!” The attackers realized that they were in fact...storming the wrong castle. After a few quick apologies to the defenders and showing them where they could improve their structure, they set about regrouping and set off to the much larger and imposing castle in the distance. So back to the problem. “You think too much...” Right. So how do you fix thinking to much? Distractions? That could work. What's the biggest distraction you know? Ponies. Among ponies what are the biggest distractions? Friends, acquaintances, lovers. Ditzy had too many acquaintances and was no way ready for a romantic relationship, which left....friends. Ditzy was now worried. She had practically gone her whole life without friends. The only friends she had were from very young ages and she could not remember them now. This was going to be difficult. It’s not like she hadn't been trying to make friends, she really had. Ponies just thought she was insane (the bad kind, not the good kind of insane). So this is it. This is do or die. Ditzy Doo was going to make a friend, even if its the last thing she did... on her day off. They all thought she was insane... and they’re probably right. BUT they're wrong on the bad part. She was going to prove that she was the good kind of insane even if it killed her. The kind of insane pony that you enjoy tea with on a sunny Sunday afternoon. Who’s making a friend today? “I am...” I can't hear you. “I am.” Ditzy said louder. What was that? “I AM!” Sorry? I swore you said something. “I AM!” DItzy was now yelling, standing high and proud on that bench. Allright! Now go get ‘em! Still oblivious to all the ponies staring at her, Ditzy was now doing some stretches and grunting exercises. This was the big one, the one she had been training for. D-day of friend making. THE cat's pajamas. “OH, IT. IS. ON.” Ditzy suddenly pointed at a staring pony. “YOU, WHAT'S MY NAME!?” “D-Ditzy doo...” “THAT'S RIGHT, AND I'M GOING TO MAKE A FRIEND.” A very audible grumble came from Ditzy’s stomach. “AFTER BREAKFAST.” “It’s noon...” “AFTER LUNCH.” Ditzy doo was now in the hospital. She had managed to get food poisoning from bad muffin “spectacular” from sugar cube corner. Or was it spectacle? either case she was now in a lot of pain. “Patient 32, I regret to say this but we're going to have to pump your stomach.” The nurse sounded anything but regretting. Jurnexsuss: A event or series of events were the main character dosent do much but other characters may or may not do things.
Attempt 2 'Conquest'4-Note: Now that I have attempted and succeeded at writing the first part of this book. The first thing I’m going to say is: that was hard, tedious, and weird. Have you tried writing about yourself in 3rd pony? It's weird. Practice makes better I suppose... Rule #4 : Have You tried Turning On and Off Again? ...It’s honestly hard to talk about this one. It’s not even presented in a rule manor. It’s a question and an irritating one at that. Somepony tells you this when they think you're incompetent or they themself are incompetent in whatever you're trying to fix. I’ve even heard this said when you can't even turn it on and off. Not clear enough yet? Is your clock working? Have you tried turning on and off again? Fan ‘kablazed’? Have you tried turning on and off again? Robot on the fritz? Have you tried turning on and off again? Having a mental breakdown? Have you tried turning on and off again? Marital problems? Have you tried turning on and off again? This is implied everywhere. I could pull some philosophical crap about restarting or something like that. But I and hopefully you both know that at heart Rule 4 is one of those statements that is just so simple and frustrating that there’s really no point in masking it to be something it’s not. And that is ‘deep’. Rule 4 is just one of those ‘so blunt it’s sharp’ kinda things. The weird thing is that it works. Most things that can be turned off and on again will fix its problem if done so. Even worse it seems to work at random. So when you finally convince Tech support to send somepony to come help you fix your problem, they turn it on and off again and it works. Then they look at you like your an idiot and charge you. Can I explain this? Not in the slightest. Why is this a rule? ...It would sound stupid if I told you without telling you the whole story. I’ll tell you later on. What I will tell you is don’t disregard this rule. This one works just like the others, situational convenient. Rule #5: There are No constants I can imagine it now, somepony is going to read this and say “what?!?? what about Time? and the Sun? or Equestria?” First of those are all horrible examples. and secondly... Rule #5b: There are Only constants Trust me i’ve thought about that. Pick a side any side, I cain’t tell you which statement is more accurate. No... really I caint. I don’t know myself. Hence both of them sitting there mocking me. When I seem so close to thinking on one side I get something that pulls me to the other side. Then I thought about this: There being No constants...is constant. Which means The No constant is the only constant... This kinda crap hurts to think about sometimes. Ok so we are going to take a little break from rules. Not because they're boring or anything like that. No, Its because I have pages to fill because its good to talk about other things. I believe last time I wrote a chapter for this book I believe I was talking about the first time I tried making a friend. That went splashingly didn't it? But anyways, today we (I) are going to talk about ...well multiple things (don’t judge me i've been in writers coma for the past few weeks, A good writing exercise will help me get my groove back). Discussion 1: DEATH If there is one thing that will get this book not published or sued (besides it not being good) it will be my utterly stupid and tasteless opinions. What can you say about Death?...Too many things thats why you have books like: Death and You, a Guide to All things Dead. and my personal favorite: Malicious Intentions, and Consequences. And before some smart donkey sends me mail about which death I mean, Yes I mean Death. The one about Dead things. All the context above points towards the dead not the hearing impaired. There not even spelled the same... Anyways, our society at large avoids death like the plague. You don’t talk about it, you don’t tell ponys about it, You FEAR it: For it is DEATH. Try going to a party and get a 30 to 40 minute discussion going about graveyards with a random pony. I won't deny it’s not possible, but you sure do get bad responses. And sure, you do get the occasional necromancer, necrophiliac,and necromantic that will gladly talk to you about graveyards But the general response is negative. And why is that? Three reasons. One: FEAR Two: Respect Three: Memories The only one I really get is the respect thing. yes, yes, bad memories. But really the dead are dead. There's no helping that. I'm pretty sure I'm missing something. Because when i've looked at the people that were close to me who have died, I don't get overcome by sadness or anything just...nothing really. the closest thing I guess would be respect. Moving on to FEAR before I say anything more stupid. I don't understand this one either really, At some time or another it becomes common knowledge that you realize that Everypony dies (...besides Celestia...and Luna...and Discord an-NOT immortal souls, those ponies die Ok?). Suddenly you got to do something before you die. So let me ask you a question. Will you do something Important in your lifetime? Yes No I don't know... I've done so already Who cares? I'd like to try I think this question has caused more midlife crisis than most ponies give it credit for. Its also up to a lot of interpretation and different measurement. a successful Author or a model could say they have and so could a farmer or a middle class civilian. But have they really? This question is hard to answer seriously. I'd like to think that our society is based on this idea/question and the mind sets and stereotypes that go into the 6 answers above. So back to Fear And Death. This question followed by pain and then unknown = mass panic and FEAR. This is why I’d like to think Death is scary to most ponies. I...I don't get it. If this is really it, Then i'm lost. Do You get it? please tell me. If anything, Death should be a relief after all the crap Life consistently throws in your face. Unless you're like some sorta super masochist I would think death be about as appealing as life. And even as the super masochist Death would be like this ultimate thrill the you don't want to achieve because you want to feel the pain of a near death experience over and over. I can't even say that and feel like thats right, any extreme masochists out there will have to send me a letter to tell me if that assumption is right before I ever say that again. So what is it? is it the pain of death? Hate to break it to you but if you die you won't feel pain anymore. Is it pain for others? why should you care? you're dead. Is it the Unknown? At some point or another you got to take blind steps forward to make progress. Is it a physical entity of death? I don't know about you but i think it would be neat to talk to somepony like that. Even if it did end with my immediate removal from existence. In other words, I JUST DON'T GET IT De: Or in other words why I brought this up (De= Discussion End).I brought this up because if you're anything like myself you're A: a social introvert who needs to be told stuff before you make a fool of yourself B: like thought provocation or C: Tired of just having conversations with oneself. Why death specifically? cause’ nopony seems to want to talk about it. Besides....its intresting. Discussion 2: Muffins Vs. Cupcakes This one is tough, they both serve different purposes. But if I have to chose one I Better list off the benefits,roles, and disadvantages of each respective party. So lets start. The Muffin A muffin is pretty simplistic in recipe (most the time) and is good as a breakfast item. Thats not really what it is. The muffin at heart is pure. The simple taste and presentation of a muffin is outstandingly deceptive at first glance. Imagine that you're eating a muffin. What do you eat first? The stump, the top, or both at the same time? It is just a muffin though, so you expect a baked bread kinda taste. But suddenly, after your first bite. It’s not just a breakfast enhancer that you expect to be somewhat like baked bread. Its a Muffin. A delicious mixture of many things that its its own kind of unique flavor. The amazing feeling of the taste as you eat it only increasing. The sensation of wholeheartedly pureness emanating from it as you eat it. There is nothing complex about it, It is that simple and pure. That is why a Muffin is so widely accepted. That...and they're delicious The CupCake When your eyes first set site on a cupcake several things are pretty clear. 1. It kinda looks like a muffin with frosting on it. 2. I kinda want it. 3. This thing is Bad. Not that it won't taste good (although that could be the case). Its bad in the sense that its a gooey sugary treat saying “come at me” and could be a worthy adversary for the easily upset stomach. And several cupcakes? You know that it will be a stomach ache latter but you don’t care at the time. The taste is what you’re focusing on. If you had a cupcake before you know what it will taste like, but it compares nothing to what it actually tastes like when you're tasting it. A cupcakes badness seems serial almost. you know while you're eating it, its setting you up for a queasiness thats most unwelcome, Or a toothache thats unpleasant, And more unsettling is it goes straight to the thighs. If cupcakes were any bad...er, they would be wearing sunglasses and black leather coats. They are bad to the bone...the cupcake bone...moving on. The Problems Muffins are pure but lacks...something and Cupcakes are tasty and bad. De: I don’t like to say I have a favorites but in this case I do. I don’t think I have to say which is my favorite (its obvious is it not?). So what's your favorite? In Vs. situation its always fun to hear more opinions so send me a letter on your opinion. course’ this is asking ponies at least 1 year in advance due to editing and publishing (thats if I get lucky) so remind me what topic were on. ...there I go again, thinking ponies will actually send me letters or that ponies will read this. *Ahem*... where was I? Attempt 2 ‘Conquest’ Believe it or not after I failed miserably the first time I did Try again. This time was more successful...Kinda. I Think? Grey with a yellow mane, eyes crooked with yellow irises and wings of moderate size. Ditzy always thought her appearance was distinctive. Not that it mattered really, she never really cared about her appearance. Ditzy was standing in front of her mirror staring intently at her reflection. As like previous times, it was almost noon and Thanks to the “Muffin Incident” Ditzy was given 2 days leave from work. Ditzys reflection smiled you're here early “I got the day off” so you go to the mirror room? “I can visit any room I want” so why this one “I...I wanted your advice” So what is it this time? money problems? Did Hal finally fire you? did somepony be mean to you again? “How do I make a friend?” pfft- How should I know? I'm only mean to you yet you come back anyways. “You're getting nicer” have you tried talking to ponies? “tried that, next?” uhh.....Hey! why ask me? Go ask an expert or something. “Is there a expert on making friends?” To Some ponies this exchange would be strange. To Ditzy its company. Very argumentative, irritable, mean company...that appears as her reflection. Ditzy never really thought about it really. One day she started talking to her mirror and it talked back. Lately it has been getting nicer, it used to do nothing but tease her. Ditzy would say its a freind but- HEY! We have been thru this before! You are Not a friend. you may have given me a room but that does not make us friends. You're my caretaker if anything... -it had other ideas. Less friendly ideas apparently. Are you going to just sit there and narrate to yourself? go and find a friend expert. “Where would I start?” I can't do everything for you “...fine” This was do or die take 2. Time for OPERATION: JUNO PROJECT First objective: find the Friend Operator ...Did You really just make this a Mission? And why is the friend expert the operator? “Shut up, TIme TO COMMENCE JUNO PROJECT” MISSION START “the Pink Party Pony” the stallion in front of Ditzy answered. He put down his newspaper, looking surprised. “I thought you had work today Ditzy” the stranger knew her name? AND her work schedule? AND ANSWERED HER QUESTION? “just...who are you?” Ditzy stumbled over her own words. This is weird. Who just gives you a confident straight answer to ‘Who is the Operator’? apparently brown stallions, with dark brown manes and a eyeglass cutie mark. “you don’t...know who I am?” Now he looked worried “N-No...Should I?” The light in his eyes seemed to fade a little. He quickly stood up and crossed the table he was at. The cheery outdoor atmosphere of the cafe was all but silenced. “ what did you do earlier today” “excuse me?” “what did you do earlier today” “T-talked to my mirror” some reason Ditzy thought it would be better to answer truthfully “Juno” “what?” “your Miroir, Juno. Thats her name.” The stranger was now barely an inch away from Ditzy. This was now full blown weird now. Juno? Like what Ditzy named her operation (project)? Could this guy get any creepier? “Complement me, And please don’t ask questions. just do it.” “your eyes are...pretty?” Ditzy felt kinda dumb now. Did she really just say that? Why was this stallion so serious anyways? “The degeneration process hasn't started yet...How early is The Juno project?” Forget full blown weid, this is somepony hooved you drink and then you're in the woods wearing tattered socks and a backpack filled with rocks. How would anypony know about something she made up earlier that day? No pony in town seemed to care or be creepy enough to spy on her. “It...started today. How do you know about that?” yet again The truth seemed like a good idea to Ditzy. Although saying anything seemed like a good idea, just who is this? “...Today!?” now Ditzy did it. He looked horrified. “Is that...bad?” “I need to leave, right now. Ditzy, Don’t do anything drastic without my signal. Trust me on this, I'm your Friend not your enemy” with that he trotted away. Friend? FRIEND?!?! HOLD THE PRESSES “WHO ARE YOU” It occurred to Ditzy later that she could have chased after him. The whole thing was bizarre. He seemed completely serious about it... If he was to be trusted. Then Ditzy should go look for The ‘Pink Party Pony’. Are you just going to sit there and stare at me? “oh...sorry...” Geez, you're more scatter brained than normal. Still thinking about that stranger? “yes...” I like the name. Juno...sounds Important. Ditzy was back in her house, in the mirror/’Juno’s’ Room. There wasn't really a reason to be there. Just good spot to think. Ponder mode in full kick. Isn't obvious? Go test if this guy is correct. You never found the ‘friend operator’ anyways. You even thinking about it! Theres not many pink ponies in town so this should be pretty easy. “Unless its not a pink pony, that could just be a code name.” I suppose...how bought the ‘party’ part. Whoever would pick their name to have party in it must have to do something with parties. “Maybe, maybe not...” Well its are only lead. SO what was the last party you went to? “Well I wasn't really invited, they just kinda pushed me in there...” Still counts. So where was it? Ponyville Library was always a strange building to Ditzy. Why a tree? Now was not the time to figure it out though. just knock, its not that hard... “Allright...I can do this” Ditzy took a deep breath and knocked. *Thump* What was that? Sounded like it came from inside. Did something drop? I always hate it when that happens. That must be brutal in a library...to knock over books that is. Well not so bad that you burn them after the 50th time that it happens. *Ka-FWAMP* *BUMf* *DU-Du-DU-du-Du-DU* *BAM* That sounded like it hurt... The door opened to reveal a very tired looking baby dragon. “Hello?” Ditzy looked at the sky. It was barely evening, so why was he asleep? No, Focus Ditzy you're on a mission. Say Hi and get straight to questioning. Ask questions later. “you alright?” Crap! that wasn't what I meant to say. Please don’t notice... “yeah, I'm alright...I don’t think we've met. Im spike.” Spike offered a claw and ditzy shook it. He was at the party...I think. I’ll ask him first. “Hi, I’m Ditzy Doo, what can you tell me about The “Operator”? Also goes by the name “Pink Party Pony”.
Weird JurnexsussRule #6: See That Pony over There? He’s an idiot. ( The Idiot’s rulezzz) Let me level with you here. Where would we be without an occasional idiot? Nowhere thats were. What society fails to realize is that we need idiots. If you're good enough then you can trade your ‘Idiot’ title for the ‘Insane’ title. What ponies fail to realize is that most socity changing things are set in place by idiotic actions or by idiotic ponies. I suppose if you want to be “Politically Correct” here you would say “Different” or something like that. But me and (I hope) you both know that It is Idiocracy that defines the significant changes of society. By that logic, Everything is Defined by Idiocracy... I Like It Do you think anypony would notice if I made a word up, used it, then put the definition somewhere in the book in invisible ink? Lets find out. Happy hunting! The word is Jurnexsuss and it perfectly describes this chapters story (thats not the definition for those who are wondering) Anyways, this rule is my chance to really make a shoutout to all the idiots and insane ponies out there. So wherever you are keep on do on what you do because nopony does what you do quite like you do. got it? Before we go any further, I'm not saying that everypony should drop what they're doing and become idiots because it’s better. No, Not at all. Everypony is a little idiotic, we just need some ponies to be more idiotic than others and love it while doing it. Those ponies out there who are very public about there idoticorcy, I salute you for your courage. That is something I struggle to do. Lets start that story... Weird Jurnexsuss Quick recap from last time. After Talking to my miroir “Juno” I started “Juno Project” with the first objective was to find The “friend operator”. A pony with exponential skills in friend making. Right away I found a mysterious stallion who told me a lot weird things and claimed to be my friend. But more importantly he told me that the friend operator also goes by the name “ Pink Party Pony”. After talking to “Juno” again I went to Ponyville Library to ask around for The friend operator. You know...If I didn't know better I’d say my life is a weird mix of Rule #3 and Rule #6 that or fiction. “Pinkie Pie?” “yes, that name screams her!” Spike was waving his claws in the air. His seat even moved a little. Ditzy and spike were sitting at the Library kitchen table. Why was there a kitchen in the Library? Ditzy had no idea. Same reason there was a baby dragon who cleaned it. Spike quickly put his hands down, and blushed a little “If you know what I mean” “Well I don’t think I've met Pinkie Pie so I can't say but I do know what you mean” Ditzy smiled He’s really cute when he’s nervous. he’s pretty cute in general. He probably Hates that. “so why were you cleaning the library when you fell asleep?” Ditzy asked “Twilight’s been studying really hard lately, So I've been cleaning up after her most recent study session. It’s a lot more work than I usually get so Thank you for helping clean up.” “Anytime” sounds like he’s prone to sleeping from exhaustion. Well...more than the average pony. That must be a really big pain. “you really mean it?” “Of course, I wouldn't say it unless I meant it. I do work weekly so If you want my help ask on sundays or after work” It’s not like I have anything else to do anyways. “Thanks!” Spike smiled He seems so childish. I wonder how quick that will change? maybe it won't... “So Pinkie Pie huh? Where would I find her?” If Ponyville Library was strange then Sugar Cube Corner was strange x2.The bakery that was also made out of sweats. It’s clever, cool even. But practical? not so much. Of course it could be plaster or something like that but then why go through all the trouble to make it one of the most distinctive buildings in town? I Just realized thats the answer. If it’s distinctive than ponies come back. Well I feel stupid. I wonder if wrote down all my questions over the years if I would realize the answers like that... Probably not, back to it then Ditzy Doo didn't visit Sugar Cube Corner that often, so to walk in and see all the different treats and colors was a little startling. Sugar Cube Corner was just one of those different places. Those places that seem to scream abnormal but it’s ok because it put on mask and a suit so it looks somewhat like other buildings. Strangely enough nopony was around. From somewhere else you could hear the noise of various machines. Dishwasher maybe? Pretty loud Dishwasher if that was the case. The entire place was big and open. The glass counters seemed like an afterthought to somepony’s living room. The entire place felt like somepony’s house that was weirdly transformed into a bakery. Only To confuse the problem further was the fact that the outside was heavily customized to be what it is, while the inside feels very house like. Sure the walls have candy canes and other decorations on the walls but the floor plan and the entries and exits... yet again pointing back to the building in the suit and mask thing. This place had its charm though. like the elegant designs and creative foods they made up, For better or worse. The “muffin incident” case and point. Every Time you went there was something new to try. Tough seeing as Ditzy had been there a grand total of 3 times (including this one) so she wasn't really the best judge of that. The exsotic tastes treats case pitucalarly stood out, Todays choices? Jawbreaker eclaris, Gummy moose, and...A Muffin Cake? Oh, I got see this. There In it’s full glory was a Three layer cake with a muffin on top and a quick description of the cake on a card taped to the glass. This cake couldn't get any cooler! There was even icing writing on it!: Ditzy, If you're reading this then avoid the forest until after next month's large storm. There is something there that doesn't belong. something incredibly dangerous. - Your friend, The Doctor The cake just got 20% werieder. Don’t jump to conclusions, It could be a joke or a different Dittzy. Just cause you had a really weird day doesn't mean that this Muffin cake message is for you. Just go find the “operator” before this day gets stranger. How long have I been standing here anyways? Is there a bell or something? There was Infact a bell, Right next to the alligator. you gotta be kidding... Well at least It’s small. Are alligators the one to be wary about or was it crocodiles? The real question Is do I dare to get near this thing? The alligator stared at Ditzy then bit down on the bell and ran off with it. “You know what? I’ll try again tomorrow.” Ditzy Doo always liked walking through the park at nite. It was strangely alive and completely dead (If that makes sense). Nopony around, just the occasional lamp post and bench that followed the path. It was a perfect place to think. Or...do whatever ponies did at the park. What did ponies do at the park? Think I suppose. Thats what I do at the park. But then again I'm one of the strange ones. I'm the one who ponies point at and say “see that mare? she’s an idiot!” or scoff at me when I mess up. I’m the pony who never had any friends or went to events. I’m the pony that was never really that smart. I’m the pony that ignored real things because she preferred the illusions. I’m the pony that was broken from the start. I’m the Idiot Not the good kind of idiocracy but the bad kind. The kind of idiot that you wonder how they ever got through school. Ditzy had stopped walking a few minutes ago. Glazed eyes and a small frown on her face. I'm...the pony who exists so other ponies can be brilliant. Ditzy continued walking, her house was on the other side of the park. She could always fly there but walking was always more relaxing to Ditzy. Besides walking didn't have wind resistance and wasn't really cold to do at night. Why trouble yourself over this? you accepted this while ago. did you think this would change? ...yes, just a little. It’s been 6 months since you’ve been here. No pony cares about you. What about the stranger? and the muffin cake? or spike? Maybe... but never get your hopes up because some pony is nice once or says he’s a friend. Do you remember last time you just assumed things? yes I remember. And what happened? … Thats right. Maybe...maybe Ponyville is different. Yes It’s been 6 months but I didn’t really acknowledge that I needed a friend until...yesterday. I've just been in my own little world...like usual. I need to stop seeing ghosts and see ponies instead. Seeing ghosts? nice comparison. you know what I mean I don't think I do this time what was I even thinking about before that? Pinkie Pie watched Ditzy walk by from a nearby bush. She knew before that there was a un-happy pony in town But This was dire! Just look at that frown! This called for drastic measures! Pinkie Pie Style! Gummy nodded then blinked. Allright! Time to go in... The 5th Note: for those of you are curious, I interviewed all the ponies for the different perspectives in my stories. Rule #7: Phenomena theory There are certain things that you won't be able to explain and you never will be able to. That's it...Really thats it, nothing more. Go drink some punch or something. I don’t want to write some philosophical examples or some crap like that. You really want a example? *Sh-zamm* “why do we exist” *BAM* strait from the “Overused Plot Devices” book and “Questions You Never Want to See On Your Test” book. Isn't it brilliant? Perfect for conversation starters and horrible jokes alike! Now I can actually give good examples for this (that aren't overused like Noponies business) but this rule has A LOT of factors determining it. So It’s really up to perspective on this one. I’m sure that An “ALL KNOWING BEING” could answer a lot of questions. But that just raises more questions. Maybe the “ALL KNOWING BEING” could answer them but would you really understand? Which is the entire point of this rule. There are some things you shouldn't understand and so you won't understand. but wouldn't you like to know? Discussion 3: Cooking While On Fire Yay Or Neigh? Have you noticed in the Insanity/Idiotic theme of this part of this book yet? But In all serious, Weird things happen. Including cooking on fire. I have touched on Idiocracy several time now, In the positive way with rule 6, In a negative way with what I said about myself in the story, and now this way. Which is...? This way. Back to the topic. You know when you're talking to somepony (usually a friend) and your just kinda throwing out ideas like “ what if, WE WORE CLOTHES” “Clothes?” “Yah, CLOTHES” “So Risque” “...I don't know” “You mean like socks, and Shirts, and Pants? or we talking just saddles” “I mean the whole SH-BAM” “...can we try something else?” “I personally have no problems with it” “OH COME ON, Why Not?” “It’s just so...” “Thats ok, we can think of something else” “...Thanks” *Grumble* *Grumble* “ It’s still better than that sparkle idea” You know... stuff like that. Those ideas that seem like a good idea but you can't be really sure until you say it. Or maybe you do go through with it. And suddenly you find yourself in a wagon atop a hill that goes off a cliff and the pony sitting behind you is lighting the fireworks strapped to the sides of the wagon while telling you “ Don’t worry! I doubled checked my father’s parachute!...I think I left it with the helmets.” Keep in mind neither you or the pony behind you is a pegasus. I completely forgot where I was going with this. Well, lets just roll with it. So you and your buddy (I'm assuming here) are stuck (you're covered in sap) to picket fence on top a cliff while a 20 foot tall bird is staring at you, From 5 feet away from its nest and you only have a pickaxe. Not a common situation but still very plausible (so I have learned). There are situations where the only thing you can do with it...Is roll with it. De: I hope you can all relate to this. The sheer weirdness and idiocracy of certain things. Maybe you can't relate to being covered in gasoline while the pony across from you is saying “Don’t worry! By the extra heat of your flame this thing will be cooked right before you feel it! I’ll put you out when it’s cooked...” But I'm sure you can relate to something like that... Maybe not... But the best thing you can do about it (In my opinion) is just roll with it. Or not get in those situations. So, Cooking while on fire, Yay or Neigh?
