Conversion Negotiations

by Alex Warlorn

Rating: everyone
Tags: Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, Alternate Universe, Human, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Science Fiction
Length: 1768

Celestia had a very awkward conversation after a nuclear missile is fired at Equestria.

With Equus and Earth-2 (ponies' name for the second universe they've encountered with a planet named Earth) now fused at the hip, Princess Celestia has a rather awkward conversion with her brand new telephone installed in the castle. Why do they think Equestria (and not any of the other countries on Equus) are out to conquer Earth?

Part of the Not Just Ponies Verse. http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Fanfic/TheConversionBureauNotJustPonies

Edited by Kendell2 and Ardashir

Published 2017-12-26 15:30:07 UTC
Last updated 2017-12-26 15:30:07 UTC

Weird Phone Chat

"Excuse me?" Princess Celestia asked confused and bewildered at what she heard from the phone (an obvious requirement in this situation, though set up had been difficult at best). "Negotiate what? ... Oh I see. Well, the newspapers said the general who fired the nuclear missile did so without orders, and was mentally ill. Yes, I read the newspapers, why wouldn't I? You believe in freedom of the press after all, so do we.

"...Yes, It's sad how many still think the Veil is a physical wall instead of the edge of the spreading magic like the edge of a flood...or maybe the wall of a hurricane or tornado is a better word, a blast could theoretically blow away the water of a flood. I think even he was surprised when the missile simply went straight through it.

"I'll admit I had to think faster than I have in a long long time. But it's not the first time I had to absorb that type of energy, let me tell you about the time author AK Yearling suffered radiation sickness... Clean up radiation zones? I suppose I could, it might help humans calm down..."

Celestia blinked in confusion at the next statement. "'New subjects'? What? Huh? ... Sir, I must inform you that you have been greatly misinformed. I have no intention of annexing territory flooded by magic, and I have most certainly have no intent of demanding those transformed change their nationality.

Besides that being completely abhorrent, it's completely impractical. So many people of different cultures, languages, religions, brought into Equestria at the same time? I'm willing to permit some emigrations, that simply would not end well.

It would be a logistics nightmare, and Equestria's own culture would drown in the resulting mix. And to be frank we just don't have that much knee room.

The fact Equus and your Earth are now fused at the hip, it's in our best interests to work together..."

Celestia gave a sigh. "...Yes, I am aware the weaponized drone attacks were by an extremist group and not any government body, as I said, I read the newspapers. I am simply grateful there were no fatalities... And the sniper who tried to assassinate my niece and her family was an independent agent. The Crystal Empire is an independent city state by the way, my niece does not answer to me on how she rules it... Though I will say I have advised her on protective measures for the future. And the suicide bomber who became a new foal and tried to blow me up along with my sister and Sunset Shimmer and Princess Twilight Sparkle was also not a government assassin I am well aware. Thankfully he both underestimated the amount of explosive force needed to do so and Sunset caught him in time... I can withstand beams capable of blowing large holes in buildings without serious injury, if you must know."

Celestia blushed slightly. "Is Sunset my daughter? ... It is complicated..."

The Dayarch then gave a sigh. "Truth be told, I've had generals who thought we were being invaded when the Crash happened. Having a giant body of water appear in the middle of Equestria that follows the same rule as Everfree sent many ponies into a panic. As I imagine the panic it caused humans when a great land mass appearing in one of your oceans leaking an unknown radiation spreading out from it. Still, let's been thankful that exchange happened, instead of earthquakes for us and tidal waves for you."

Celestia finally looked slightly annoyed. "Still, I feel a bit absurd having this chat. Equestria is not Equus, and the USA is not Earth, and we sadly do not have a United Nations that meets regularly. The Crystal Empire is its own nation, as are the Dragon Lands, Hippogriffs, Aquastria, Diamondia, it's safe to say our nations are as diverse as yours. I'm sad to admit its shocking and frightening to many of my ponies to realize how much exists outside of Equestria, I'm sure you can appreciate."

The Dayarch gave an understanding look at the next statement. "Yes we have put a cap on the number of New Whelps, no this isn't part of some scheme to take over the world with an army of ponies, it's logistics. Dragons simply require more territory to support a population of dragons than it does ponies, it simply takes a larger ratio of Earth Ponies to produce gems to sustain one dragon... besides, I doubt you want to deal with that many dragons undergoing dragon puberty all at once, given how powerful they can be. Given how huge your oceans are, it's not surprising Aquastria's suggestion for sea pony converts would be much greater.

"What ratio do we use? Griffin are carnivores, humans are omnivores, likewise, how many humans becomes new fledglings are based on how much Earth's territory can support. There's a slight bias towards flight capable species, as your world has none of its clouds and skies colonized and thus plenty of room."

Celestia blinked. "What? Don't be silly! Of course we haven't been doing all these numbers ourselves, that would be absurd and self centered. You did read the news article of Twilight and Sunset working together with your own scientists to discover the most efficient population ratio. Emotion-vores like the changelings are a wild card since your planet had never had any lifeforms like them... And contrary to how he appears, Discord is not Satan, thank you very much. Yes he was evil before, but he's better now... A more accurate analog in our universe is Lord Tirek, who is currently safely confined and powerless in Tartarus... No, he has not corrupted anyone directly or indirectly in this matter."

The Dayarch blinked as an eagle claw reached out of a portal and did a 'come on, get on with it' motion, then gave a sigh. "Also, Discord wishes for me to inform you that as soon as a proper exchange rate is decided, he will be buying a stock in the 'Old Spice Company'... Why? He saw their commercials and said 'truly these people are geniuses, I don't even use deodorant but I'll buy in bulk!'...Yes, you can quote him on that, and also tell the Prime Minister of Japan that he adores their...'entire popular culture.' And the writer of...'Neon Genesis Evangelion' that he 'gets BOTH endings totally and understands exactly what he was going for.' He already bought the entire DVD box set of the series and the movies."

Celestia listened to the next statement. "Yes, we have a mirror portal that can one at a time transfer ponies to an alternate planet Earth inhabited by human versions of the ponies of Equestria. Well, nearly human, I know for a fact there is no Canterlot High anywhere on your Earth, and none of your species are naturally blue or violet and human skin color is more complex than it appears. I'm sure you understand, that having eight billion humans show up on THEIR Earth would be as impossible to sustain without time to adjust as eight billion new creatures popping up on Equus. Sunset is working hard to figure out how many refugees that Earth can take in without disrupting the natural flow of things."

The Dayarch rubbed a hoof to her head. "If I am to be honest, I have a lot of ponies upset that I am spending so many tax bits on helping your engineers ADAPT your technology to hooves, claws, fins, horn magic, wings, and other appendages. I'm hoping when we can actually start trading things turn out better. Not to mention the transformation potion, and the distribution centers, thankfully the other kingdoms around Equus have been willing to contribute as well. I can only hope that you'd have shown us the same effort if it had been the other way around and ponies had needed to become humans to survive."

Celestia then heard something that made her sigh. "Sadly the Pearl that the hippogriffs use to shift into hippocampus and back only functions with lifeforms that already existed in Equestria: it wasn't created with a template for humans, and adding new ones would potentially destroy it. We also have no idea how it'd react with one altered by the potions, or if it will even work on humans even after transformation."

The Princess of the Day looked a little green at the next statement and said her words with the utmost somberness. "Yes, we all know the tragedies that came about from the Minotaur potion, I assure you we've gone everything to make sure every new potion goes through testing to ensure the same doesn't happen again. I'm sincerely surprised to see how many already signed up to become members of the cat tribes..."

Discord pushed a computer in front of her showing a running stream of cat videos on the internet.

"...Though your culture does seem to have a strange fascination with cats, if the internet is any indication..."

Celestia finally gave a sigh. "Look, can you please tell people this: if I intended you any harm at all, why would I even need to do anything? If I really wanted to conquer Earth, all I would have to do is sit back and let the Veil wipe you out without any interference from me. And if I did, all I'd do is make enemies on all on sides, and ruin alliances I've spent centuries carefully cultivating. I doubt some will listen, but it is a fact... Finally something we are in complete agreement on: the HLF and PER are both extremists that need focus, let's discuss that."

Discord tugged at her mane like a foal seeking attention.

"What? No, Discord, I will NOT let you turn the members of both groups into those 'Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots' toys, no matter how funny you think it would be. We have discussed this! Now, sir, I... Oh? You just wanted to touch base to straighten out a few things? You want to wait until we can all sit down and take the time to discuss the HLF and PER properly? I imagine that would be for the best. Good day, sir, and -- DISCORD! Do you want to be turned into stone again?"

+++

"I, Prince Bramble of the Deer Kingdom, would like to thank you for choosing to join our people, we hope you find your new bodies to your liking... what human nation did you say you belonged to again?"

"PETA."

~Fin