Queen Chrysalis, King Sombra, Lord Tirek, the Dazzlings, Midnight Sparkle, and the Storm King sat at the counter of a bar in the Badlands drinking salt.
"Don't they have some water?" said Aria Blaze.
"Ponies love salt," said Sombra, guzzling down mug after mug of salt.
"I thought you were an Umbrum," said Midnight Sparkle.
"That was in those comics which are non-canon from how they depict our banishment differently from the show," said Adagio Dazzle.
"Breaking the fourth wall!" said Sonata Dusk.
"I want some rum!" said the Storm King.
"I just want to feed off the love of some poor unfortunate souls!" said Chrysalis.
"And I haven't been able to absorb magic since I lost that power," said Tirek, who was looking muscular but not at his biggest.
"Well, let's plan our comeback on how to take over the world!" said Chrysalis.
"I just stole a car, so let's drive it around while we make our plans," said Sombra.
They stood up.
"That'll be 50 bits," said the bartender.
The Storm King gave him some napkins, and the villains walked out the door.
Sombra led the other villains to the car he had stolen. He magically modified it to fit his coloring scheme, with stairs painted on the side.
"What is it with you and stairs?" said Chrysalis.
"Can you turn into stairs and feed off my love for them?" said Sombra.
Chrysalis rolled her eyes and turned into a staircase.
"Oh, stairs..." Sombra started petting the stairs as if they were a cat, and nuzzling them, which would look cute if he wasn't so menacing and evil.
"Pathetic," said Tirek. "Who'd have thought this loser took over the Crystal Empire?"
Sombra blasted Tirek to the ground with a bolt of magic. "Says the centaur who only wants to take over the world so he can destroy trees."
"Enough!" said Midnight. "No use fighting amongst ourselves."
"Aw, I wanted to strike somepony with lightning!" said the Storm King.
"That'd be difficult without your staff," said Aria Blaze. "Rainbow Dash Rain Nuked it going after you, when you dropped it while running away from her."
"It's not my fault she's so damn fast!"
"It's too bad she destroyed your staff, coz I'd really like you to strike Sonata with lightning."
"Well I'd like to make it snow on you!" said Sonata.
"Enough!" Chrysalis resumed her changeling form. "Into the car. I'll drive, Sombra gets shotgun."
"I stole it," said Sombra. "I should drive.
"You'd just get distracted if we drove by stairs."
"You've got a point there. Everypony else, in the back seat."
Tirek got into the right seat, the Storm King in the left, and Midnight in the middle.
"Good thing you're not at your maximum size or there wouldn't be room here," said the Storm King to Tirek.
Midnight's wings hit them both in the face.
"Hey, watch it!" said Tirek.
"I need to stretch my wings," said Midnight.
"What about us?" said Adagio.
"Hmmm..." Chrysalis rubbed her chin with her hoof. "In the trunk!"
"Ooooh!" said Sonata.
"I don't wanna go in the trunk with Sonata!" said Aria.
"Perfect," said Adagio, frustrated. "I have to go in the trunk with them. They'll be fighting the entire time."
"I'll put a sound spell on the trunk so we can hear you and you can hear us," said Sombra.
"Just... don't leave us in there for two weeks. Not after the last time you put somepony in the trunk."
"Jeremy was in our way," said Chrysalis. "That was a little different."
"Can we stop monologuing and go now?" said Tirek.
Adagio, Sonata, and Aria got in the trunk. Chrysalis shut the trunk, locked it, and got into the driver's seat, handing the key to Midnight. Sombra got into the front passenger seat, and they started driving.
"Oooh, Starbucks!" said the Storm King as they drove by. "Can we get some coffee?"
"No," said Chrysalis.
"I've got some whiskey, vodka, and rum," said Sombra.
"Can't I have some?" said Sonata from inside the trunk.
"Ow, you elbowed me in the eye!" came Aria's voice.
"Why couldn't Midnight be in here instead?" said Adagio.
"Coz her wings are so huge, she'd never fit!" said the Storm King.
Midnight took a sip of vodka and stretched her wings, accidentally hitting Tirek and the Storm King in the face again.
"If you do that again I'll bite your wing off," said Tirek.
"I'll take a bottle of bourbon," said Chrysalis.
"You're driving," said Sombra.
"So?" said Chrysalis. "We're villains! We don't have to follow the rules!"
"Here you go!" said the Storm King, throwing a bottle of Jack Daniels to Chrysalis. She took a big gulp of the liquor.
Sombra, Tirek, and the Storm King each sipped a bottle of Captain Morgan's rum. Sombra drank dark rum. Tirek drank gold rum. The Storm King simultaneously drank white rum and rye.
"Can you pull over and give me a drink?" said Aria.
"Ow!" said Sonata. "You kicked me in the shin!"
"That's my hair, not Aria's!" said Adagio.
"Why are there two Midnight Sparkles?" said the Storm King, who was drunk by now because he was drinking more than the other villains, both of his bottles almost empty.
Midnight took another sip of vodka and stretched her wings, hitting Tirek and the Storm King in the face again. Tirek bit Midnight's wing. Midnight yelped in pain, accidentally throwing the key to the trunk out the window.
"Uh-oh," she said.
"Uh-oh what?" said Chrysalis in a very menacing tone, swerving slightly.
"I threw... I mean, Tirek threw the key to the trunk out the window."
"You mean we're trapped in here?" said Adagio.
"OW!" said Aria. "Adagio, Sonata bit me!"
"You had the key," said Tirek. "You threw it out."
"Only coz you bit my wing!" said Midnight.
"You hit me in the face with it."
"I can't help it! My wings are too big and there's not that much room in here coz I'm stuck between you two!"
"At least I didn't screw up," said the Storm King. Midnight smacked him in the face with her wing, deliberately this time.
"I guess we'll leave them there," said Chrysalis.
The Dazzlings started to yell, and Sombra turned off the sound spell.
"We are going to talk about this when we stop for dinner," said Chrysalis to Midnight.
"We haven't actually done any planning for world domination yet," said Sombra. "We've just been too busy dicking around and drinking." He took a sip of rum. "Now, I have an idea of where to start."
Chrysalis took another gulp of bourbon. "Before we do... I'm gonna do a donut!" Chrysalis did a donut with the car. A loud rattling could be heard coming from the trunk.
"Chrysalis, I told you you shouldn't drink and drive!" said Sombra.
"And I told you I can handle it!" said Chrysalis. She started accelerating very fast, well beyond the speed limit.
"What are you doing?" said Tirek, Midnight, and the Storm King.
"Trying to go fast enough to defeat Rainbow Dash!" said Chrysalis drunkenly, running over a frog and causing Fluttershy to faint.
"That's enough!" said Sombra. "Let's pull over and plan on the side of the..."
But at that moment, they reached a sharp turn. The car zoomed over the edge, plunged toward the ground miles below, and went up in a ball of flame.
Eight souls went to Tartarus that day. Most of them spent their afterlife watching G3 of My Little Pony in their cells, with the Dazzlings as cell mates, but Chrysalis had to watch G3 AND Dora for driving drunk. And for turning Twilight's brother and friends against each other in one of the most depressing moments ever.
"The moral of this story is... don't drink and drive!" said Pinkie Pie to the audience.
Author's Note
Yes, I know my theory of Tartarus was debunked with talk of Tirek returning in Season 8, but this story isn't meant to fit in.
