Celestia closed her eyes, beginning the process of mending her wounded mind with a few gulps of her aged port. It was the only thing she could meditate on. A sequence of simple words that haunted her uneasy thoughts, but ones that she cherished most in life. Celestia felt the bottle of the finest import shipped all the way from a vineyard half a world away. Its intoxicating bouquet and aroma made her head spin. And its smooth, velvety texture left the taste of heavenly ambrosia in her mouth. It made her feel ok about herself and that was all she really asked for.
She moved from her ornate throne of a chair and locked the doors to her room. The door closed on its own as she licked her lavish lips awkwardly. Her hooves began to tremble, a shake in her vitriolic patter. She wanted to scream at an innocent bystander over something so trivial but aggravating on a daily basis, hoping it would be ok in the end. But the problems of a princess could not be satiated so easily with time.
Time was what made her a princess. Time was what led her to live a terribly long life and the state she was in fueled her argumentive resolve further. Ten years went into making the bottle of wine in her golden clasps, and she was to down it in one night. To her, it symbolized just how easily life could change for the worse, something that scared Celestia more than anything.
Celestia let another mouthful of wine wash her regrets down as she dragged the chair over to the fireplace. It scrapped against the marble tremendously, even her ears cried out in pain and shriveled in folds. She put herself on probation: no magic, no escaping, no self-inflicted harm. And to make good on her promise, Luna pacified Celestia's finely gilded horn now glowing orange against the flickering flames. Whatever happened in her room happened, no questions asked. No talking; only thinking.
From her throne, she gazed at her high mantle, seeing images of ponies she cared about or things they produced for her. Some of the tokens she saw were from diplomatic missions and treaties of peace amongst other countries or states dating back centuries. Each one growing newer by the object in the form of an enigmatic timeline that only she could fully recall. They were reminders, and seldom were they trinkets of affection or nostalgiac pasts.
Most were dead, forgotten by the next generation with another to fill their place. Some would never come close to filling the emptiness the deceased occupied inside of her. It was rare for ponies to reserve a part of Celestia's heart posthumously.
But sometimes it happened, and she was helpless to stop herself from having feelings for their dulled passings once and a while. Her throat relaxed as more of her port streamed down. She had not eaten dinner for fear of showing her disgraceful manner about the castle, having a liquid 'lunch' in her room instead. Too many ponies. Too many delegates and civilians asking her for idiotic things, treating her with such deplorably inflated respect, and expecting nothing but total praise in return. The curse of bearing the genes of a god-like entity fallen to a mortal plane.
Now, she was reduced to an aberration of her former self: an empty, unfeeling husk. Celestia hunched over like the unmannered filly she perceived herself to be. So much so that someone could count the individual vertebrae in her spine. Celestia was fed up with the daily rigamarole in her life as an alicorn. All the demands asked of her divine grace and beauty, and no one ever returned the favor. If even just one pony went out of their way to do something nice for her in exchange, it would make up for countless years of neglect. Celestia understood that her subjects meant well, but they were wrong and blinded in their pursuits.
She could feel the sting in her eyes, thin trails of cracked red lightning pooling towards her irises. She knew this would happen, but once she put her mind to something, there was no going back on a solemn promise from her brash lips. Alcohol had a terrible grip on Celestia once the taste got in her mouth. She always turned into a sad and hallucinogenic drunk who could already see sprites dance around her waving vision.
Those missions and diplomacies she was charged with gave her land power and serenity. Equestria: the fountainhead of harmony, the peace's poster child and all of its sovereign states. And because of evil amidst the tranquil land, some of the most important events were birthed into a reality that made her land more united for it. It gave her unsurmountable clout and earned her subjects' total loyalty for centuries to come. Even as a filly who's cutie mark remained to be discovered, both Celestia and Luna were crowned as the rulers of Equestria at such a young age. With the help of Starswirl the Bearded, their place on the thrones of day and night was cemented within their newly erected castle.
Celestia paced towards her balcony door and stared out into the luminous skyline of her bustling city, and how far from humbling it had become. A place for only the important and the rich with a budget of ostentatious display. Their taste in 'lesser folk' made Celestia despise her lurid city and secretly shunned them in disdain, embarrassed to show off what she created. She made an exception to a few ponies, though. Ones that were not afflicted by the greed of Canterlot's grip. Her eyes systematically blurred the city life and she looked beyond into the valley far below her castle. Seeing that crystal tree shining through the darkness always made her smile.
"She's still innocent—" Celestia's hoof grazed over her muzzle. It's hollow bottom cupping her lips shut in a cast of gold. She shook her head but smiled even more. A wavy smile of drunkenness that forced the bottle to her weak lips once more, which was half-full after innumerable mouthfuls.
A reminiscence of easier, more simpler times rolled about her head as she slowly stared away from Ponyville's small-town charisma. Something bigger loomed in the dark, something that coalesced in her mind and within the deepest reaches of the town's neighbor. It did not take Celestia long to rid herself of that burden once the image popped into her head. She tore her gaze away from the forest and her former home before the fall. Luna collapsed to the ground with a fast pooling puddle of blood beneath her, covered in cuts and lacerations. Celestia stood over her body and stared at her own royal coat of golden platemail dripping with rusted ooze, seeing both Luna and her body caked in red.
Celestia backed up and quickly felt her posterior bump against her padded chair. Instinctively, she lifted her hind legs and bucked the chair, hearing a tremendous thwap as it smashed against the marble floor. It continued to scrape across the floor as a show of power in her kick. Her tumultuous breathing made it worse for her as it felt even more in tune with reality. The bottle rolled through the room and the contents barely dribbled out. Nonetheless, Celestia clambered to her only friend and stopped the leak from progressing any further, even lapping up the droplets off of the cold floor.
She peeked down at her hooves after nestling against the wall and sharply yelped, seeing her hooves stained red. Celestia feverishly scratched at her hooves harshly, seeing bald spots in her fur sprout up within seconds. A momentary sigh of relief washed over her once she realized it was just some of her drink staining her snowy fur.
Celestia read the words again under her shaking breath, inhaling more of her port. She began to wonder if Luna was coping well after only hearing silence for the past couple of hours. In fact, she did not even know how many hours had passed or what was happening on the other end of the hall. The numbers on the clock were all a blur as she sat down in a strangled, lucid state. Feeling lightheaded from her heart-wrenching panic attack and from the alcohol itself. Her bed moaned and accepted the new weight, whether or not that said anything about Celestia's figure was up to her inebriated jurisdiction.
She glared up at the ceiling with bottle in hoof, reflecting on everything that was worth its weight. All she could think about was either the past or the future and what each meant to her. Celestia stared down the past fraught with nostalgia and harrowing reminders of destruction. Decimations of friendships, bonds, and kingdoms that fell because of her actions would never be rectified in the present light of day. Nothing would be the same again, no matter how many times the stars aligned in her favor. And Celestia was reminded of that every single time she even glanced at her sister.
So much time was lost that she could not get back, and she was not getting any younger. Celestia studied the chair and counted the large chunks of wood that had splintered off of it. The back of the chair was effectively broken, along with a couple of missing legs. She did not care for she was the leader of an entire country, wealthy enough to buy one-hundred of the same chair to replace the one.
Were the choices she made all those years ago worth the pain she endured? Even down the to second, she could point out something awful and lament herself brutally for her actions. Celestia was blinded, only seeing the most deprived emotions within herself.
Celestia wondered if becoming a princess was really the right choice in the end. She wondered how much it robbed Luna of her childhood and how her views she developed as a leader of a country changed. Sure, Celestia knew that they still had fun as fillies, but it was not normal to have so many demands as children. Demands that—in all fairness—should have been dealt with by adults. Growing up too fast just seemed like a big nightmare, a truly scarring trauma. Even worse for them, it came true.
But the land would have remained forlorn without their guidance, leaderless and unbound by rule. It would have remained a roguish land ruled by separate clans. Starswirl the Bearded even said it himself that Equestria was in need of those who represented the balance of all three races of ponies. And as alicorns, it seemed only appropriate to abide by his vastly need. Celestia did not know it at the time, but she slowly grew to understand that Equestria would have never gained a clear hold on power without Luna and herself bringing about unity.
She thought to lay down would have made things better, but her body was vibrating. One decision all those years ago made the future that she lived in. Two clueless and ignorant ponies who unknowingly decided the fate of everyone. Celestia dared even to think what would have happened if Equestria did not succeed. Would she have done something so foul that changed the course of history? Would Luna ever be sent away for a thousand years of miserable isolation? Would their days have been numbered instead?
Celestia bolted upright in her bed and forced her dreary eyes open. Her contracted irises and trembling lip symbolized a psychological snap lodged deep in her aching thoughts. And she had not even let her mind wander to the future yet. Celestia was so engrossed in what made her a princess that she did not like what she saw in the mirror, either. Her living mane unkempt and her head without the royal crest. Bald spots on her hooves, her teeth stained red. Even her eyes had lost their initial spark and now only showed a hideously grotesque mess of brooding emotion.
The contents of the bottle flooded down her throat until it was bone dry. Disparity filled her heart. The torture of being abandoned and doing things she never thought imaginable nor right. Her hoof was forced. She could not do anything but watch the events unfold and manifest themselves as the years passed her by. She did not deserve the diadem of the sun or her place on the throne after letting herself sink to the bottom of self-loathing of all things. The world was better off without her still beating heart plaguing her subjects.
'Ding!... Ding!... Ding!...'
The clock struck midnight, and Celestia clenched her teeth shut with pinned down ears. She wanted to scream and tear her vocal cords, she wanted to break out and escape, she wanted to vent all of her pressure and pent-up rage. She just wanted to be a normal pony and treated humbly. But that harrowing toll of midnight symbolized another countless year added to her life. It was just a pipe dream to be normal. Such a staggering request was made of tender thoughts and fleeting fantasies.
Celestia could see her heart pump stronger and more violently as it coned her vision in throbbing black and stuttering red. She could hear every palpitation in her ears and feel her hooves tingle maddeningly, her skin could barely contain the flood. She fought for breath as a raging bull would, sharply exhaling and inhaling from her flaring nostrils without recourse. The alcohol injected into her veins and all she could see was scarlet fuzz coating every surface imaginable. It looked so soft and comfortable as it bowed with the flow of artificial air in her space.
So many things she wanted to formulate into expression but her shrieking thoughts remained voiceless in the dark reaches of her mind. And at some point in her boundless infuriation, her hearing failed her. Replaced by the silent ring of eternal failure she was bound to repeat year after year.
Celestia let out a horrifying shriek as her she bore her red teeth. Her guttural cry truly came from the core, carrying its verbose payload easily through walls and solid stone. The first thing to go was the emptied bottle as it shattered against her mirror, turning the reflective antique into to a splintered mass crashing to the ground. The scarlet mess shot through the air and pelted her body, thumping against her numbed body and leaving her ears thirsty for sound. Carelessly, Celestia crunched the sharp slivers of glass and grabbed hold of her broken chair. She coiled her hooves back and hurled it through her glass balcony door, tearing through it like wrapping paper. She threw it so hard that it tumbled over the rail and into the garden hedges below.
Nothing was safe from her deadly clutches. Nothing held any value to her anymore, no matter how precious it was previously. Celestia ripped her horseshoes off and threw them as hard as she could. Her necklace was slammed into the floor countless times, turning into a mangled piece of gold. The same, however, could be said about her crown. Only, it was ten times worse. The very symbol that made her a princess deserved every single punishment that Celestia could think of in her burning ire. Minutes of countless beatings and blood-curdling screams passed, leaving it shredded in malformed pieces at her hooves.
Everything on her mantle was swept off in one giant legful, either breaking on the ground or hurtled into the walls around her. Collectables and antiques that were centuries of years old were destroyed in a matter of seconds. One by one they fell, all for her scandalous hatred. Fond memories were contained within the vessels she smashed carelessly which tore her up inevitably. But it was too late to save her possessions.
She screamed her name as loudly as possible before her voice nearly gave out. She gave herself a few seconds in between shrieks and continued to howl for what seemed like an eternity before sitting in the middle of her degradation. The red haze lifted and darkness settled back in, leaving Celestia as she read her sister's crimson writing on the label with shattered glass held together at its back.
"I—did..." Celestia's eyes focused on the five words that separated her life as a princess from being the good sister she always wanted to be. She stared at the destruction, letting everything she did settle deeply within. A look of absolute terror swallowed her image as her hearing came back, just as the door clunked open. Celestia noticed numerous guards eyeing her close to see what had just unfolded.
Celestia dropped the label, hearing the tinkling of glass and stone pinging against one another. Not from the broken label itself, but from Luna. She felt her ears close tight again, avoiding Luna's almost guaranteed glare.
Luna quietly dismissed the guards and closed the door, trodding closer and closer. Celestia's lip quivered endlessly as her tears solidified everything wrong and revolting about her image.
"You've been... busy, it would seem." Luna paced around the room, oblivious to Celestia's physical and mental state. She poked her head through the broken balcony door, seeing a few guards already cleaning up the broken chair below. Luna sighed and turned around.
"The guards thought you were being attacked... I can see their reasoning now." Luna could not close her mouth fully as she gawked at the sight. Genuinely, she was concerned for every right reason but remained hopelessly positive.
Celestia shook violently. All the cloak-and-dagger easily destroyed the foundation of her resolve. So many things built up in her failing mouth again. So many things she wanted to say and how she wanted to beg Luna for forgiveness, even if it was to get it out of her head. She finally had half a mind to look up at Luna and her towering figure for good measure. Celestia was insignificant before her sister, and Luna knew it all like a dream in its yearly cycle. But something in Luna felt off.
Luna met eyes with Celestia, taking in every little detail that made each other different. Not from their nearly bipolar hues, but by the way Celestia soon strangled the ground at Luna's hooves.
Luna reared her head and lost her joking smile, watching her big sister begging for absolution. Luna knew that Celestia had her problems, but this was something beyond her reasoning. Someone who carried themselves with such high grandeur and esteem; now only reduced to tormented cries of forgiveness.
"Uhm... Celestia? What are you-" Luna tried to pull her hooves away but Celestia was far from letting go.
"I'm sorry I failed, Luna..."
"What are you apologizing for?" Luna leaned her head to the side, waiting for a response. But Celestia continued to sob quietly. "What is the matter with you, sis? I understand the importance of this day, but-but this is not the response I'm used to."
Luna carefully used her stunning blue magic to peel Celestia off of her hooves. With all of the glass and wooden spines littering the place, she cleared off a small patch of floor. Luna hoisted Celestia up from the ground and cradled her, seeing that her balance was easily faltering. "Celestia, if something's wrong, you can tell me. It's ok."
"I've failed you, Luna. I'm so sorry I robbed you of everything!" Celestia wasted no time to clear her guilty conscience. The feeling of selfishness wrapped around her again. She despised dragging Luna down with her and into her personal nightmare. Luna felt her chest vibrate after Celestia cried out, feeling her hooves reach around her neck in the process.
"Oh, Tia..." Luna furrowed her eyebrows, reeling from the punch in the gut that Celestia delivered. She held Celestia tight and stroked her rolling mane, fighting back even her own tears.
"You haven't failed anyone... And you never robbed me of the things I cherish." Luna said.
"No! I stole your childhood! I-I did things that I thought were best for the both of us! For fuck sake, I imprisoned you on the moon for a thousand years!" Celestia did not dare lift her muzzle and meet Luna's wretched glare. Instead, she squeezed Luna's hooves even harder and openly sobbed in her lap. "I was weak, and-and I was afraid of hurting you! I never wanted to do it but I had no other choice!"
"Sister—p-please."
"I destroyed our sisterhood, I destroyed your life!"
"Celestia! That is enough!"
She forced her lips shut without thinking. Celestia respected Luna's word and knew well to listen. Not for how admirable it was—which it was—but from the hollowing shame Celestia caused so long ago and how she tried desperately to let Luna feel at ease and welcomed again. Celestia was afraid that Luna would hate her and rebel. And she was terrified at the thought of banishing Luna again. Celestia knew the loneliness and guilt of sending Luna away for another thousand years would kill her.
"Celestia, I understand the pain you suffer daily. The remorse you must feel for "destroying my life" is something I cannot begin to fathom, nor do I want to. But I am also filled with remorse and shame for what I did to you. I was jealous of your place and let myself turn into a monster—just to abandon you for centuries. I threatened the entire world to bathe in eternal darkness and I even tried to harm you... To kill you. I haunted the dreams of ponies and earned my place to be utterly feared by all. I would've destroyed Equestria and ruled as a tyrant if you had not stopped me. We both feel that we've ruined each other's lives and hate ourselves brutally for it... But there's one difference between us. I've come to terms with what I did and I try to be a better pony for it. You have not." Luna placed her hoof under Celestia's muzzle and lifted her head up to eye level.
"I have forgiven you countless times but you are still trapped in the past." Luna caught wind of Celestia's retreat and forced her to keep looking.
"You can't do this to yourself, Celestia. It's going to drive you insane, and don't you ever think it won't. I'm more worried about you destroying your own life than I am mine." Luna waved her hoof around the room.
"Just—look at what you're doing to yourself here. All this-this, defilement, and hatred of yourself festering inside of you. And it leads to this shocking scene every year. But this year, in particular, has the been the worst since I came back from the moon. I... I'm sorry for raising my voice. But do you understand the grave importance of what I'm telling you?"
Celestia wiped her tears and meekly glanced around the room. The pieces fell into place after Luna's words set everything straight, even when Celestia did not feel so sure and confident about her place. Her vision was still clouded by previous thoughts about her worth.
"I'm sor—eh... You're right, Luna. I have a problem..." Celestia barely spoke as they let each other go. She looked to her side and picked up the remnants of her golden attire. Every piece was unrecognizable and missing their respective purple gemstones. A sudden hush danced through the room as the curtains gently whipped around. Fine waves of mountainous breeze rolled through the gaping hole in the balcony door.
"When I created the Tantabus, I used it to torment myself every single night for what I tried to do. As a grim reminder and as a form of penance to never try anything so disastrous again. It wasn't until Twilight discovered what I did and saved my life from that accursed fate... Do you know what I would always relive in my dreams, sister?"
Celestia shallowly shook her head, wiping her eyes and dampening her hooves more.
"I would become Nightmare Moon and rule a kingdom of fear. I would watch everyone bow in terror, enslaved under my might as a ruling monarch. I purposely trapped my soul inside of Nightmare Moon and watched helplessly. The physical and mental pain I felt forced me to scream and cry as everything I loved died before my hooves. And I couldn't do anything about it. But the thing that tore me up inside the most was watching you... b-begging at my hooves for forgiveness—and me not caring. I would banish you to the moon like you did me, knowing at any waking hour I could look up and see your mural printed upon my moon. A permanent stain in my mind of how much a failure I could have been... Or, even how much of a failure I always felt like when I came back home."
Celestia turned her head and watched Luna stand tall. An air of stoicism lingered about her form which Celestia was quick to spot. She enjoyed that about Luna. No matter how grim the situation, she never showed any sign of fear. And even when she did, she knew quite well how to suppress her fear with astonishing focus and will. It was strikingly terrifying in Celestia's opinion and demanded respect. It was something she could look up and aspire to learn one day, even as a big sister.
"When you begged for forgiveness just now, I thought I was reliving that horrid nightmare... A time in my life when I was genuinely afraid of dreaming. The paranoia and caution I exercised, it-it toyed with my emotions because I didn't want to turn into another monster." Luna glanced with such a stark impression, one that easily penetrated through Celestia's weakened emotions.
"I made a promise to myself to never be so—so—damned weak! That I would become a better pony and a better sister. And I promised that I would never take you for granted, Tia. Never again. You and I are the last of our blood. I can't imagine a future without you at my side." Luna's muzzle formed hope and anticipation for new things. She watched her moon dangle above her zenith. How pure and divine it shone in the night of her design.
The very thought sparked an unrelenting storm in Celestia's mind. She desperately wanted to ask Luna what she would do when it was Celestia's time to go. She knew that one day she would leave her sister and depart from the world. And there came a chance that Luna would have to rule Equestria as Celestia did for a thousand years. She knew her life was in eclipse; in hopeless waning. And to recognize and feel that her life was fading made it all the worse to witness herself in the act. Celestia wondered if she had taught Luna everything and the strain it would cause her.
Would she be ready? Or would it drive Luna insane as it almost did to herself?
"What will you do without me, Luna? I'm getting old-I—I'm not going to live forever... My life is in decline. Another thousand and I'll be—I'll be gone..." Celestia's eyes were already glazed over. Just thinking about leaving her sister in the world was too much of a burden.
Luna cocked her head back, examining her sister in such a state of disarray still. She stepped up to Celestia and brazenly kissed her on the forehead before letting out a gentle chuckle.
"Heh heh! You're not that old, Tia. You've still got plenty of years left in that raging fire of yours... I mean, the fact that you still have your curvy figure is saying something, hmm?" Luna turned without even waiting for a response, focusing her attention and energy on cleaning up Celestia's dilapidated room.
Celestia bided her time and tongue, following in Luna's steps and taking her side. She looked down at Luna just as she looked up, sensing every feeling lining each other's faces. Where fear, panic, and even hope collided with muddled confusion. Celestia smiled gently, catching the crackling light at just the right angle when she knew what Luna had on her mind.
"Sometimes... Sometimes, you just need to break something." Celestia glanced back and bit her lip. "And sometimes when you are reminded of your place in the world and the time that's passed without you, it—it makes it worse... Do you-"
"I understand, sis." Luna tucked her head into Celestia's chest and stood, nuzzling her white fur from time-to-time. The two sisters persevered through the darkness of night, embraced by its lull and the endearing comfort Celestia and Luna provided each other. A myriad of nocturnal wildlife buzzed and warbled through the silence.
"Luna?"
"Yes?"
"Give me a straight answer," Celestia clenched her eyes shut with a remarkable grimace. She felt as if uttering the next sentence would ruin everything and the moment would be for nothing entirely. More tears fell to the cold stone beneath her as a pit formed in her stomach. Celestia wanted to vomit, but the alcohol she consumed was not helping her cause. In fact, the symptoms of her drunkness seemed to vanish along with her cataclysmic fury beforehand. Finally, she buckled down and faced Luna once more.
"Do you still resentment me for s-sending you—away? E-Even if it's secret and buried deep, deep down inside of you. I need to know..."
"What?! Celestia—you're my sister..." Luna reached up and pulled Celestia down in her hooves, whispering into her ear with a tenderness unbeknownst to many. A voice reserved only for her big sister. "I love you."
Celestia immediately became speechless. Knowing after everything she did and how miserable she felt and acted. How many years had passed with her mind imprisoned by thoughts of her long, but strangely short-lived life. She noticed how everything she relished was brief in nature, and how it put a perspective on how ceaseless her existence really was. All the while thinking she was the definition of a living failure. And for Luna to say that she loved her big sister through everything forced a teary smile to her face again. Celestia affectionately nuzzled Luna and held her tight, hoping for once that a moment so precious and loving felt transient no longer.
Author's Note
Not my best work in my opinion, but I'm always really hard on myself anyway. I'll try to write short stories more often. Ones where I can learn to not take things so seriously and to heart.
