Voulez-vous Coucher Avec Moi ce Soir?
Rainbow Dash poked her head around the corner, knowing full well that she’d lose every bit of pride she had if she were caught. She scanned the hallway and let out a short sigh of relief once she confirmed that no one was around.
She stopped just short of a set of double doors and took a deep breath as she stared at the tiny plaque by the entrance.
Library.
She cringed at the word. To her, it wasn’t a place of learning. It was merely a hovel for antisocial eggheads to hide in during lunch. Visiting the school library felt like a sin. But like most sins, it was meant to be committed, felt guilty about, and the reason why anyone ever begged for forgiveness.
As much as she didn’t want to admit it, she had been to the library before. Of course, her visits always lasted less than a minute as she would run in, check out the nearest Daring Do book, and run out before anyone had the chance to see her. Unfortunately, she couldn’t just swipe a simple book this time around.
No, she actually had to browse.
She recounted the events leading to her having to visit the library, starting from birth, to deciding to take Prench. Like many, she chose her foreign language elective on the merit that it sounded cool. Like some, she had resorted to cheating, using an online translators for homework assignments. And like few, she learned the hard way that Prench wasn’t the most forgiving language.
Rainbow swallowed the bile in her throat. You can do this. You have to do this. She groaned and stamped her feet, but she ultimately forced herself inside.
No one was around, but Rainbow Dash kept her guard up nonetheless as she went deeper into the belly of the beast. So far, she had managed to avoid the gaze of Miss Cherilee, the school librarian. But, like with most librarians, staying out of their sight was the easy part, since they were always nose deep into a book or something. The real difficulty came from keeping quiet. Not even the whispers of ghosts were quiet enough to prevent an unrelenting and undeserved SHH!
Immediately after hearing muffled footsteps, Rainbow froze and immediately ducked behind a short bookshelf. After a short ocular analysis, she concluded that it couldn’t have been Cherilee. The librarian was off stocking shelves, so there must have been someone else in the library.
She thought about her situation, listening for the footsteps on the other side of the bookshelf. If she timed it just right, she could get by undetected with a simple combat roll. Then, she would climb the bookshelf and get onto the second floor where the foreign language books were kept. And, if necessary, she was prepared to incapacitate any rogue students.
Rainbow rocked back and forth, building up momentum. “You can do this,” she said under her breath.
“Erm, just what are you doing, darling?” The voice was a soft, scolding whisper.
Startled, Rainbow Dash jumped up and lost her balance, nearly popping out from behind the half-bookshelf. She tumbled forward and fell to the floor on her face, making eye contact with a warren of dustbunnies. Flipping over to her back, she stared up at the source of her first heart attack.
“What are you doing here, Rarity?” Rainbow asked, crossing her arms coolly as if she was on the floor by choice. She smirked, still looking up at her friend.“Anybody ever tell you that this angle really brings out your eyes?”
Rarity did the most sensible thing a proper girl her age could do: she held her skirt against her legs and huffed angrily before mercilessly kicking Rainbow Dash.
Content with the beatdown yet still blushing, Rarity bent down to pick up her friend, taking deep breaths to regain her composure. “You still didn’t answer my question.”
Reluctant, Rainbow batted away her friend’s outstretched arm and proceeded to lift herself up using the nearby shelf, an action that ended up knocking a pair of encyclopedias, specifically the ones dedicated to the letters Q and T.
“I’m just here to look for something for class,” Rainbow explained, diving for one of the giant encyclopedias. She flipped to a random page and laughed skittishly. “Hey did you know that a group of quail is called a bevy? I sure didn’t. I’mma just go and check this out and report to you later with more… quail facts.”
Rarity pursed her lips. “Quail facts, seriously?”
“Uh-huh,” she responded, nodding emphatically. “It’s for Ms. Harshwhinny’s essay.”
“Hmm, that’s interesting,” Rarity said. “I don’t remember her assigning one.”
Rainbow swallowed the lump in her throat, only to find it uncooperative as it forced her to speak rather hoarsely. “She just assigned it today.” Eyes darting around the room, Rainbow searched for anyone else that might recognize her. There was no one but Miss Cherilee. Feeling safe after that and pulling off a lie, she turned back to Rarity. “I answered your question, so what are you doing here?”
“I’m a teacher aide this period,” she answered, “but she’s out sick today, so the sub let me go to the library.”
“What teacher?”
“Miss Harshwhinny.”
“Oh…”
Rarity huffed. “Yeah, ‘oh,’ now can you please tell me what are you doing here?”
Now, Rainbow Dash, being the super tough girl she was, would never be caught doing the jig on her own volition, but speaking hypothetically, if she did, it would be up right now.
Rainbow sighed and stared at her shoes. “Mm lookn fer Prnch bks.”
Rarity cocked her head. “What was that, darling? I didn’t quite catch that.”
“I’m looking for Prench books.”
“Oh!” Rarity chirped. “Parlez-vous Prançais?”
Rainbow Dash “You speak Prench?”
She smiled. “So you do understand!”
Rainbow shook her head. “I had no idea what you just said. I was just asking you if you knew how to speak Prench.”
“And so was I…” Rarity put her hands on her hips. “So you really didn’t understand?”
“Uh, nope.”
Something clicked, and Rarity suddenly found herself able to express her thoughts. She bit her lip and smirked. “Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?”
Rainbow scratched her head. “Voo-lay voo… ‘do you...’ Uh, what did you just say?”
Rarity giggled. “Oh, nothing. I just asked if you wanted me to tutor you.”
That was a boldfaced lie. The phrase actually meant: “Do you want to sleep with me tonight?”
Rainbow gulped. “Yes please.”
Rarity felt her knees buckle at the answer. Of course, it wasn’t a serious proposal for sex, but it didn’t stop Rarity from blushing again. She caught herself and took a short breath before realizing her actual offer of Prench tutoring.
“Viens avec-moi!” Rarity chirped as she grabbed Rainbow’s hand. “Come with me,” she translated as she led her friend up the stairs. Still, she had a promise to keep—even if said promise came from an intentional miscommunication.
Now if only she actually knew Prench.
Rarity, like a logical few, chose her foreign language elective based on her heritage. Although, she later cursed herself for choosing Germane and found herself wanting to change to a gentler sounding language like Prench. She would rather take Neighponese with Fluttershy or Manederin with Twilight.
But no, she was all alone, taking a class full of guttural sounding syllables and harsh accents, definitely not the kind of language she saw a proper young lady such as herself speaking. Although on the other hand, tutoring Rainbow Dash did give her an excuse to finally learn Prench, which would definitely come in handy for an aspiring fashionista. She had picked up a few phrases and words, but now she could take it a bit more seriously.
Rarity led the charge, her fingers interlocked with Rainbow’s. She hummed her way up the stairs, rising in height and in pitch, a tight smile on her lips. She stopped at the top, tapped her chin, and scanned the second floor for the foreign language books.
“Er… Rarity,” Rainbow called, “you’re still holding my hand.”
Rarity jumped. “Oh! Would you look at that.” She stared at her feet.
“You still haven’t let go.”
Blushing, Rarity released her vice lock. “Right… Well, um, the Prench books should be just over there.” The light tint on her cheeks began to fade as she gestured to the back of the second floor.
“Right,” Rainbow said, wiping her hand off on her skirt. “Let’s just get this over with. The sooner we’re done, the sooner I can get out of here.”
“Oui, oui!” Rarity chirped, following Rainbow. “That one means—”
“Yeah, yeah,” Rainbow Dash dismissed, waving her hand as she walked ahead. “Everyone knows that one.”
The two stopped in the back left most corner of the library. Rainbow Dash took a seat at a nearby table as Rarity made her way to the shelves, searching the columns for a few introductory textbooks. The fashionista giggled to herself at the thought that Rainbow probably needed the books more than her.
Rarity dropped a small stack of books on the table, watching with a slight smile as Rainbow gawked at the pile.
“So what was it you need help with again?” Rarity asked, opening a translation dictionary.
“Everything,” Rainbow said. “I need to learn enough Prench to write for a paper due next week.”
Rarity gaped. “Seriously?”
The athlete nodded. “Well, it was due yesterday, but I kinda got caught…” Her voice got lower.
“How?”
“Well, I sorta… maybe used an online translator.”
Rarity’s eyes went wide. “You didn’t.”
“I did.” Rainbow scratched at the wooden table. “Apparently, I got caught because the word for word translation for ‘I’m full’ literally means ‘I’m pregnant’ in Prench.”
Rarity fought the urge to giggle at her friend’s expense. “Well, I’m here to help you get around the colloquialisms of Prench.”
“Colloquialism? Is that Prench?”
“That’s English, dear,” Rarity corrected. She opened up one of the textbooks, flipping all the way to the beginning (mostly for her sake). “I guess we should start with the basics.”
Rainbow Dash let out a frustrated groan. “This is gonna take forever…”
Rarity ignored that, choosing to focus on actually helping her. “Alright. Here’s the first term: bonheur.”
Rainbow let out a rude snerk.
The tutor sighed. “Don’t be gross, Rainbow,” she scolded. “It means happiness.”
“Oh, it’s a kind of happiness,” Rainbow remarked.
Rarity scratched at the back of her neck. She was beginning to regret signing up for this.
“Well, that explains a lot,” Rainbow Dash griped, her head in her hands. “The Prench are a bunch of perverts.”
The two had skipped basic vocabulary and moved on to the catalyst of their lessons: Rainbow’s essay. As it turned out, many of the phrases were misuses of the language resulting in either swear words or sexual euphemisms or a combination of both. Her Prench teacher had only picked out one appropriate but damning sample earlier.
By the time Rarity finished marking up the paper, it looked like a murder took place on it. Red markings outweighed the black ink. Most of the sentences were crossed out and in a desperate need of a rewrite. Thankfully, with the help of the textbook (and many clever internet searches), Rarity was a blessing to pick apart the mistakes pretty easily.
“Jouir,” Rarity read aloud. “Yeah, I can see why you got caught.”
Rainbow perked her head up. “Huh?”
Rarity pulled up her phone. “You see, a literal translation of that word means ‘to enjoy,’ but it’s now Prench slang for…”
“For what?”
“An orgasam, dear,” Rarity answered, her face burning red.
Rainbow read over the offending sentence and translated it aloud. “Food gives me… orgasms.” She paused for a moment before a grin tugged at her lips. “Yup, that sounds about right.”
“Don’t be gross,” Rarity scolded again, elbowing her friend’s side. “Let’s just rewrite the sentence using bonheir.”
“It still sounds like I get turned on by food,” Rainbow commented.
“For the last time, Rainbow…”
“Yeah…” Rarity sighed. “That doesn’t mean couch.”
“But it’s got ‘couch’ right in the word!”
Rainbow Dash slammed her head against the table. All this mess with silent letters, double meanings, and common malapropisms were getting to her. Prench was a language designed to be as frustrating as possible. Why couldn’t it be as simple as English? she thought.
“Je dors sur le coucher,” Rarity read aloud. “I sleep on the sleep.”
“There’s two words for sleep?” Rainbow asked, finding another reason to be frustrated. However, there was something familiar about the word coucher that she could not place yet.
“Well,” Rarity began. “It really means ‘to lay,’ and colloquially…”
“It’s another word for sex, isn’t it?” Rainbow asked, unenthused. “What word doesn’t have a sexual meaning behind it?”
To that, Rarity could only shrug.
By the time the class period ended, the two were frustrated. They had been going in circles, looking for the correct translations in order to fix the regurgitated word-salad Rainbow had hocked up for a grade.
“Viens avec moi,” Rarity said, leading Rainbow to the front of the library. “Come with me.”
“With me…” Rainbow repeated, gears turning in her head.
Rarity had helped Rainbow Dash carry a stack of Prench books to the front desk, somewhat proud of her for taking the initiative by checking a book out. She was ninety percent sure Rainbow wouldn’t touch them until they were due, but it was the thought that counted.
“I think I could help you finish rewriting the paper later tonight,” Rarity said, helping Rainbow put the books in her backpack. “Ce soir. That means ‘tonight.’”
“Right…” Rainbow hummed, noting another familiar phrase.
Then something clicked.
“Hey, Rarity.”
“Yes, Darling?”
Rainbow slung her bag over her shoulder. “What was that phrase you said before you started tutoring me?”
Giggling awkwardly, Rarity waved her arm, dismissing it. “Oh, it was nothing. I think it was um… puis-je vous tuteur?”
“No, that wasn’t it.” Rainbow said, a grin tugging at her lips. “I think it went something like… Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?”
Rarity’s face went completely red. “Whaaaat? I’d never…. say… something… like… that.”
“Oh, you totally did!” Rainbow accused, still smirking. “You asked if I wanted to sleep with you.”
“No, I didn’t.”
“It’s okay, Rare,” Rainbow said. “I’d totally do it…
“With my bonheur.”
Author's Note
I'm twelve inside.
Written for a fellow twelve year old.
