My Christmas Gift to You Is A Crappy Story: The Girls Go to the Beach
Oh God, Deliver Us From Tramp
"Oh God!" Sunset groaned.
"God isn't real," Starlight Glimmer muttered, right on cue.
Tempest Shadow rolled her eyes. "Jesus Christ, are you always like this? You live in a fucking world of magic and alicorn divines and you're still the world's edgiest fucking atheist. What gives? How can Trixie stand you? Why isn't she here?"
"Of course I'm not an atheist in universe," Starlight retorted. "But we're imaginary characters, and so is God."
It was Twilight's turn to roll her eyes. "Seriously, shut the fuck up, or I will turn this chariot around, so help me Go... err Celestia."
Starlight wasn't done though. "And to answer your other questions, Trixie is an edgefest like me so we get along great plus I give great head, and she's not here because it's hard to balance conversation among too many characters. I mean, did you see the season 7 finale?"
"Right," Sunset replied lethargically. "So, Twi, remind me where exactly we're flying right now?"
Twilight smiled. "Good question, Sunny Buns."
"Sunny Buns? are you two dating or something?" Tempest asked, afraid she wouldn't like the answer.
"Sort of," Twilight responded. "We're both dating Super Trampoline, and since we're also both bisexual, well..."
A look of horror enveloped Tempest Shadow. "Am... Will I too be forced date Super Trampoline? My interactions thus far with him have been... less than stellar.
Twilight consoled her with a wing. "It's not so bad. He's not actually a bad self-absorbed author, just a lazy self-absorbed author. You get used to it. Plus lately he's becoming a pretty good cook thanks to his InstaPot, so I don't mind too much."
"Oh, jeez, I'm so relieved I'm about to get romanced by a shitty author who cooks food in the bastard child of a rice cooker and a crockpot. God, why couldn't that Ursura Minor just killed me?"
Starlight chipped in again. "Uh, if you're suicidal, you might look into therapy. Trixie says that Luna is an excellent therapist..
"JUST TELL ME WHERE THE FUCK WE ARE GOING SO WE CAN GET THIS FUCKING STORY ON WITH ALREADY!!!"
"Ugh, alright, jeez, no need to yell." Twilight responded. "Well, here's the thing about fiction. This newfangled horseless chariot has been flying where ever we decide to go the entire time. So girls--Sunset, Tempest, Starlight--where would you ladies like to go?"
Sunset and Starlight didn't have an immediate answer. Tempest Shadow however: "BEACH! BEACH! I WANNA GO TO THE BEACH! LET'S GO TO THE BEACH PLEEEEEEEASE TWILIGHT!"
"Okay, okay!" Seriously, what's with all the yelling? You're not Bulk Biceps. Starlight, Sunny, any objections? I wouldn't mind a relaxing afternoon at the beach."
"Counterpoint," Sunset countered, "Isn't it winter right now, and don't all y'all magically enforce the seasons?"
Twilight frowned, but then beamed and sang-songed: "Not if we go south of the equatoooooor!"
"Wait, Equestria is actually a sphere? I always thought it was a flat section of a sundered torus."
"Well, you learn something new every day, eh? Maybe if you had paid more attention during geography class instead of plotting to take over Equestria, we wouldn't be having the conversation, don'tcha know?"
"Whatever. Just take us to the fucking beach already. This story is turning me suicidal too. And that wouldn't be fair to my boyfriend back in England.
Starlight sulked. "Seriously, whats with all the references to past events in the Superverse?"
"What, you mean you don't have any dumb stories written about you?" asked Twilight.
Starlight blushed. "Well, I did, but it was far too dank for the masses to handle, and the man removed it."
"I'm sorry to hear that. I'm sure you'll get another chance. "So, girls, the beach?"
"Yes," said the others in unison. They were tired of having conversation in a void, as the author had neglected to describe the setting until they agreed on where the chariot was heading.
So they headed towards the beach.
A mostly quiet hour and a half later later, after a stop at Safeway for beach supplies, they arrived at a lovely beach in South Amareica (haha what a clever pun!). The chariot descended over small sparkling waves and shimmering sand. No other creatures were in site.
"Wow!" Glimmer said. "This is lovely. Twilight, how ever did you find this place?"
"Well," As you know, I'm an alicorn, so by law I'm required to have immortality blues for four or five days of the month, so when I'm feeling angsty about the future death of all the friends and lovers I'll ever care about, despite the fact that I'm 25 right now and live in a narrative universe where healthy young main characters can't die so we have no clue if I'm actually immortal or not, but anyway so when I'm feeling deep and philosophical I like to fly all over the world and one day I was flying over this beach and I thought it would be a lovely beach to visit with some friends, so I performed a surveying spell and wrote down its coordinates and now here we are!"
Tempest hopped out of the chariot as its wheels settled into the hot-but-not-too-hot sand. Her hooves settled into the sand, and her tongue went limp. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I needed this. Thank you, Twilight."
Twilight squeed. "You're welcome, friendo. "Alright, everypony, let's have some fun in the sun!"
So they did. They played in the water. Sunset Shimmer had a mental breakdown over how to build a sand castle with hooves. They played beach volleyball. (Twilight tried very hard not to use her wings.) Tempest shadow accidentally popped the ball on her jagged horn stub. Then she cried a bunch. Starlight cheered her up. Twilight taught Sunset how to horsie paddle. Twilight used her Alicorn magic to generate some gnarly waves that she and Tempest rode. It got dark and they gathered some brush from the nearby forest and barbecued various tofu products. But time flies, and before they knew it, it was time to go home.
