Damn ponies.
“C’mon, Anon, we’re gonna be laaaaate!” Rainbow Dash’s voice took on a high-pitched whine not unlike a north wind blowing through the cracks of a particular firm oak door.
“You say that like it’s a bad thing.” Anon crossed his arms. “I already told you I’m not going.”
“You can’t miss a Pinkie party!”
“And yet look at me doing it.” Shifting one foot and bending his knee with aplomb, he flicked the door shut.
Or at least he would have if a purple aura hadn’t held it open.
“Anon, I’m not sure you understand.” In contrast to Rainbow Dash, Twilight Sparkle’s voice was flat as a shadow on a hot pavement. “You don’t miss a Pinkie party.”
Damn ponies.
“Look, last time I went she threw so much confetti at me that I choked and had to go to the emergency room. The time before that she put the piñata at my head height and Rainbow Smash over there nearly caved in my skull. The time before that she and RD added hot sauce to the punch for a prank without asking if I was allergic first. And it’s not even like Ponyville hospital is particular able to treat humans, y’know!” He pinched the spot between his eyes that always seemed to throb when a party rolled around. “I’m. Not. Going.”
“Um …” Fluttershy looked up at him with large doe eyes. “Oh dear … b-but Pinkie tried so hard this time to make sure you had a good time …”
“Are you Staring at me?”
“What? N-no!” She squeaked and hide behind her mane. “I’d n-never do that. Not to you.”
“It’s true though, sugarcube.” Applejack spat out the stalk of grass she had been chewing for the entire prior conversation. “Pinkie Pie felt right sorry about all those other times. She honestly just wants you to have a good time at your own Welcome to Our World Party. It’s the first one she’s ever thrown for … someone like you.”
“A human.”
“You don’t look like any of the humans I met at Canterlot High,” Twilight muttered, eyes narrowed suspiciously.
“Twilight, we ain’t havin’ that conversation now. Anon, Pinkie wouldn’t keep tryin’ if it weren’t important.”
“We’ve all been through this.” There went Twilight’s flat tone again, though none of the others seemed to notice the cynical edge to her voice. Sometimes it seemed like she was the only sane one in the bunch – when she wasn’t strapping him down to test his brainwaves or trying to steal blood and other bodily fluid samples to prove he was some subspecies of homo sapien.
Damn ponies.
“It’s best just to get it over with,” she said bluntly. “Otherwise Pinkie will keep trying.” She leaned heavily on the final two words, invoking images in his mind that he quickly shook away.
“She bought a whole three barrel of Sweet Apple Acres cider specially for this partyyyyyy!” Rainbow Dash’s wings flared. A globule of drool splatted on the cobblestones. “The alcoholic variety!”
“S’true.” Applejack nodded. “I delivered ‘em to Sugar Cube Corner this morning. She had to jump through a passel of hoops with Mr. and Mrs. Cakes to be allowed to have alcohol on the premises with the twins around, so she paid for their whole family to go to Funland over in Trottingham for the weekend an’ closed up shop early today to get ready.” She levelled a gaze at Anon that was just short of a glare. “She paid for the whole trip for the whole weekend, includin’ train an’ hotel, jus’ so’s she could throw you a party you might actually like.”
“She’s making quesadillas.” Twilight’s whole body shuddered. “Because they’re your favourite food.”
“Quesadillas, booze and no kids underfoot?” Anon repeated. “Who’ll be at this party?”
“Just us,” Fluttershy whispered. “Um, if that’s okay with you. You said you prefer small social gatherings…”
For a cold second, he was tempted. He was oh-so-tempted. He had tasted Sweet Apple Acres alcoholic cider once before. It was like nectar of the gods. His mouth watered just at the mere memory of getting drunk in the barn with Big Mac, Caramel and Grand Pere – and Granny Smith and Sugar Belle finding them in a dazed clump of hangovers and tankards the next morning. It had been totally worth it.
He sighed and dragged his hands down his face. “Fine! I’ll go.”
Fluttershy beamed through the crack in her mane. Twilight gave him a curt but approving nod. Applejack produced another grass stalk from somewhere. Rainbow Dash just grabbed his hand and started dragging him down the street.
“Hey, whoa! I’m not wearing shoes -”
“Doesn’t matter. Nopony wears shoes except the princesses. You’ll fit right in.”
Damn ponies.
“By the way, sugarcube.” Applejack trotted easily beside them. “This is a ‘surprise’ party.” How ponies could make air quotes without fingers still amazed him. “Pinkie thinks you’re unaware of what’s comin’.”
“We just thought we’d better make sure you came at all,” Twilight finished. “After what happened the last couple of times.”
Anon clenched his teeth and thought valiantly of sweet golden cider and sticky cheesy Mexican food.
Sugar Cube Corner loomed before them. How could a place that looked like it had been baked to life by the bastard lovechild of Hershey and Cadbury loom? A white face appeared briefly at the window, smiled and disappeared again. Clearly Rarity was in on this too. His steps faltered.
“Actually … I’m not sure about this.”
“Too late!” Rainbow Dash released his hand, performed a tight loop and barreled into him from behind, propelling him the last few steps up to the doorway. Strung across it was a candy-pink banner with the legend ‘Welcome to Equestria, Anon!’
“Guys, I don’t –”
Purple magic swung open the door. “In please.”
“Um, p-please look surprised and, um … happy?”
“For Pinkie, sugarcube.”
“Enough talk! Cider time!” Rainbow shoved him again and he staggered in.
“Whoa!”
A burst of streamers – sans confetti – rained down on him from above. A few hooked on his ears, giving him the brief appearance of a Hasidic Rabbi. More flopped onto his head and into his eyes. He brushed them away to clear his vision, only to have it immediately filled with the wide dark barrel of a … was that a gun? A very big gun?
“SURPRISE!” Pinkie Pie’s yell came from somewhere beyond the gaping maw, followed by the fizz of a match.
“Oh shi-”
The world flashed white, then candy-coloured, then very, very dark. Anon clutched his chest and keeled over.
“Celestia’s sweet ass, Pinkie Pie!” Rainbow Dash’s voice was close and preceded by the heavy clomp of an emergency landing. “You blasted him with your party canon!?”
“What? I’ve blasted all of you plenty of times!” Pinkie protested. “I blasted Rarity and Maud five times in one day when we went to Manehattan.”
“Yes, I remember, dear, but we’re ponies,” Rarity replied. “I think we’ve learned by now that we’re more than a little hardier than humans.”
“Um, i-is he all right?” Fluttershy quavered.
“He’s not moving. He’s not moving!” Panic fringed Rainbow Dash’s words. “Is he breathing? He’s not breathing!” Her hooves danced, creating a staccato beat against the wooden floor. “Twilight! Twilight!”
“Make some room. Give him some air,” Twilight instructed tersely. “Anon? Can you hear me? Anon?”
“I’m sorry!” Pinkie started to bawl. “I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to! I didn’t think humans were that fragile.”
“He held his chest afore he done fell over,” said Applejack. “Did he have a heart attack? Should I run for the doctor, Twilight?”
“I can get Doctor Stable here in ten seconds flat!”
“I’M SORRYYYYYYYYYY!”
“Oh m-my …”
At long last, Anon let go of the breath he had been holding. It rushed from his burning lungs in a glorious whoosh, wafting Twilight’s mane up. She snorted and reared back slightly. A frown creased her brow.
“Heh … surpriiiiise …” he panted.
“He’s fine,” she deadpanned.
All at one two giant balls of blue and pink fuzz locked onto Anon from either side. He clawed at his throat but Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash’s weapons grade hugs were locked, loaded and impenetrable.
“ANONIWASSOWORRIEDPLEASEDON’TEVERDOTHATAGAIN-”
“ANONYOUBUTTHEADYOUSCAREDTHEHECKOUTTAME-”
“Can’t … breathe …”
They released him, though reluctantly. He rubbed at his neck.
“Um … surprise?” he tried again.
Pinkie Pie grinned broadly. “You got us good, Anon!”
“Epic prank, dude.” Rainbow Dash leaned in close. “If you ever do anything like that again, I will personally kick your furless butt from here to Cloudsdale and back again. Understand?”
“Uh … sure.”
“Dashie! He surprised us at his own surprise party!” Pinkie bounced in place. “That’s, like, surprise-ception!”
“Well … yeah. I guess.” Rainbow Dash still looked grumpy.
“Tell you what, Dash,” Anon rasped. “You can have the first drink. Okay?”
Her eyes shone. “All is forgiven.” She vanished in a multicoloured blur towards the cider barrels in the corner.
Twilight trotted up to where he was still sat on the floor. “You know,” she said mildly. “I can actually induce heart attacks. It’s a pretty simple spell, though it does require some degree of skill and nuance. And, y’know, knowledge of a specie’s biology. If you make even a tiny mistake a heart can just, I don’t know …” She slid her eyes sideways. “Explode right inside your chest.”
He gulped. “Duly noted.”
She smiled and headed for the side of the room totally opposed to the quesadillas.
“Hey Anon!” Applejack held up a plate. She had crowned hers with fresh slices of apple. “I could get to like these things after all.”
Anon sighed.
Damn ponies.
