Panic
I don't want the speech.
“Rainbow, please listen to me-”
“I don't want the speech,” I assert, stamping a hoof into the cloud.
Silence follows, silence apart from the roaring wind and rainfall. The rain doesn't fall on me though, it falls from below my hooves.
This is where she says something like OK then, I won't give you some speech, lets just talk this through.
“Alright, sorry, you're completely right, I shouldn't just give you a long speech. Let's just-”
“I don't want to talk,” I bite back tears. Why can't she just leave me alone, let me cry in peace? “Just leave.”
“You're not a failure Rainbow.”
I am. “Leave.”
“Listen to me.”
“I don't want to,” there's no use flying away, I tried that, she just followed. “I've wanted to do just one thing with my life, and now I've royally bucked it up, embarrassed myself, made a mockery of my name and much worse. You don't understand.”
The cloud squirms beneath my feet with the unsure movements of Fluttershy, my back is turned to her, but I can tell she's fiddling with her hooves, not knowing what to say, what to do.
“Well, maybe not, but I'm not the best at this. Come down from here, talk to Twilight, Pinkie, Applejack, Rarity, anypony! Just come down and talk.”
“And what's talking gonna do? Solve my problems? Make me happier? Change the fact I've bucked up my life's dream?” I shake my head, biting down harder on the tears. “Leave.”
More squirming. “But Twilight said-”
“Leave.”
The cloud puffs back up a little as some weight is lifted off it, she's gone. I sigh, lay down and bury my face in the cloud. I cry.
Good luck Rainbow. You'll do great Rainbow. Go get 'em Rainbow. This is gonna be awesome Rainbow.
Didn't work out that way did it?
And here's our next contestant, winner of the best young flier award two years ago, Rainbow Dash!
Screams of the crowd. Elation. That's what I remember.
My chance to prove myself, my chance to become something, and then after...
You just don't have what it takes. You shouldn't have been out there.
From close friends. Worse from strangers.
I keep crying, it's all I have left.
The rain keeps pouring, it sounds louder now, harder, a fitting setting for my mood. The roaring breeze becomes even more intense, it's a wonder that I can even hear the fluttering wings in the distance. I get back on my feet, may as well keep the last vestige of respect I have.
“Rainbow-” The cloud beneath me depresses again.
“Go away,” I say, raising my voice now.
“Everypony down there is worrying about you, we all want you to just come down and talk-”
“Leave,” I say between gritted teeth.
“How is standing up here all on your own, wallowing in your sorrow going to help anything!?” Fluttershy blurts out, all at once, at a shouting volume. “...I-is what the others told me to say,” she whispers.
“It helps me think. Now go away,” I stand still, resolute, refusing to look at her.
“But Rainbow-”
“I said buck off!” I scream, turning to see her for the first time in hours. Her face drops, wide eyed and open jawed. She turns and flies.
I go back to crying into the cloud, fueling it's rainfall.
Today she'll be performing a dazzling array of aerial trickery including her signature move, the Sonic Rainboom. Take it away, for... Rain-bow-Dash!
The crowd was deafening me with cheers. I felt wanted, admired. It didn't last long.
I hovered far, far above the ground, far above the clouds. I looked to the crowd and picked out my friends, I looked to the judging area, I saw the Thunderbolts.
And...
And I panicked.
Not right there, right then sort of thing. Panic started, it began inside of me, a spark, only to soon ignite a fire.
Who let an amateur enter this competition? She's just a stage frightened filly, she never deserved to be here.
The most mild and sympathetic of comments I received afterward.
An absolute disaster of a performance, she made a mockery of the whole event. How she ever won best young flier I'll never know.
A fitting description.
Why did I have to go and ruin my dream?
Rainbow, it wasn't exactly the most realistic dream in the first place.
Supportive words from my 'friends'. I'm so glad they believe in me.
There are other things in life Rainbow, you need to move on.
Move on, that's right, I just utterly disgraced my self in front of my heroes and thousands of other ponies who wanted to see something exciting and different. They saw failure.
I suppose my 'friends' are right, for me, my dream wasn't realistic at all.
I lift my head up just to see a world I'm uninterested in. I bring it back down.
I started the routine with something simple enough, a nosedive to gain massive speeds then I'd swerve up and around the insides of the floating stadium.
The nosedive went fine, my heart was pounding, all I could hear was wind and rain. The rain, thankfully, was below the clouds, below the stadium.
I felt alone as I flew down so far that I was beneath the stadium, just the way I liked it.
What happened Rainbow? it's started so well.
Questions, stupid questions. What do they think happened? I bucked up.
Shakes of the head, disapproving, even fearful glances. That's what I got afterward.
Months of practice, perfecting my moves, making sure I knew every little thing and still... I failed.
I've seen it Rainbow, I know you're gonna be great out there!
Shows what Fluttershy knows, false hope is all she gave me.
“Rainbow.” It's Twilight's voice now, her and her stupid spells, she should just leave me alone.
I had no sounds of warning this time so any amount of respect I still harbored has undoubtedly vanished at my compromising position.
“Go away.”
“Rainbow let's talk,” she speaks softly from out of my field of vision..
“There's nothing to say.”
“Now that's a lie,” she gives a forced laugh in attempt to lighten the mood, it doesn't work.
“I have nothing to say to you.”
“You can't run from reality forever.”
“Maybe not, but I can for now, now leave.”
“Running won't help.”
“Go away.”
“We're just trying to help.”
“You're trying to get a friend back who no longer exists. Now leave.”
Silence. And then, “OK. But somepony else will be here soon.”
“Don't send-” but she's gone already. I can't feel her presence anymore.
Back to wallowing in my sorrow as Fluttershy put it.
I began spiraling upwards, it started a little wonky but I cleaned it out as I rose to the level of the crowd. Round and round, further and further out, I was mere yards from the crowd. Higher and higher, I saw the Wonderbolts.
Panic.
I had to curve in stronger than normal as I lost my concentration for a split second. A tornado began to form between my fast, sweeping glides. Applause from the crowd, good, but nothing mind blowing yet.
A promising start, but after...
I'm sorry.
I told them.
Just leave.
I'm told.
I don't want to be that dumb, thinks-she-can-do-anything Rainbow anymore.
Is there anything I can do to help?
I asked.
Go away from here, as far away as possible.
I'm answered.
I flew to the bottom of the tornado as fast as possible, leaving my usual trail of colors. Some cheering, maybe because of the speed, maybe because they're all so caught up in the whole thing that every little move is worth cheering.
I started flying up through the center of the tornado, it spun me round and round but I forced through it, leaving a beautiful spiral of colors in my wake.
The crowd loved it. I looked out from my spiral about halfway through, again I saw the judges, the Wonderbolts. They just sat there, cool, uncaring perhaps even bored.
And I panicked.
I lost balance I spun further and further out into the tornado, I just about managed, with all my strength to realign myself to the center as I burst out the top of the cone of wind. I hoped it all seemed intentional.
“Rainbow?” It's Pinkie now, on the cloud behind me. Stupid Twilight and her stupid spells.
“Leave please.”
“Not unless you come with me you silly billy.”
“Go away!” I smash my forelegs into the cloud causing a small piece of it to break off and drift away. “Can't any of you see I don't want you here. You'd all be better off without me!”
“No we-”
“Go the buck away!”
A whimper, a couple of sniffs and she's gone.
Why can't they just leave me alone?
And then the real problems started.
I came out the top of the tornado, and I kept going, and going, too far, I wasn't thinking, I was just flying away.
The Wonderbolts scared me. They made me panic.
I was... I was nervous.
She ruined the entire event. She was a complete and utter disaster.
Truths about me.
I looked down, to me it seemed like the right height, but I couldn't think, all that was in my head was: I hope they like me.
I began the final dive, the Sonic Rainboom. A move with enough power to level Applejack's old barn, clearly I had great need to be precise with such a move.
My thoughts at the time were similar, but were all overridden with: They expect to see it, I'd fail them if I don't do it and I hope the Wonderbolts like me.
I couldn't disappoint everypony, no, I had to humiliate myself and endanger hundreds of lives.
“You're being out of order Rainbow,” Applejack now, my face again buried in the cloud. When will this end?
“Leave.”
“You made Fluttershy cry and now Pinkie's bawlin' too. Get over yourself Rainbow, you made a big mistake, now pony up and come down from here.”
“I know I made a bucking mistake alright, I admit that. But it wasn't that simple was it? I bucked up my dream, I embarrassed myself, I put real lives in jeopardy. Now go away.”
“You're impossible.” A grunt, she's gone.
I started my descent, fast, faster and faster with each second.
I was panicking, my heart was racing, but still all I could think was: I hope they like me.
Tryouts for the Wonderbolts didn't exactly happen often and when every few years they did come about, only the best of the best got invited to go.
When I got my invitation I couldn't believe it, I was ecstatic. Here was my chance, the chance of a life time.
It didn't go so well.
I felt honored by the invitation, I knew I was going to have to perform something amazing but I was willing to put the work in. I felt like nothing could stop me.
Nothing but a small group of ponies staring at me throughout the whole event. I never much liked crowds unless they were adoring, but the crowd there was, they weren't the problem. The cold, deciding stare of my heroes brought me down.
How could I be so weak?
I had strong self confidence, I believed in my ability, but I was...
I was scared.
Oh Celestia help them please.
Screams.
“No!” I shout out at the world, at the open space, at the sky, at the rain below me. Finally I lift my head from the cloud to a world I've rejected. I liked it better before I failed myse-
Don't kid yourself Rainbow.
Before I failed everypony.
I go back to the soft embrace of the cloud.
For all my boasting and my careless attitude and my insistence of my own greatness I panic in the face of a real challenge, at the sight of my heroes. And more than that I endanger lives, not just my own, but the hundreds of ponies left in free fall if my move were to climax too early.
And that's exactly what happened.
“Rainbow, darling,” Rarity now, to complete this little charade of 'help Rainbow', it's not gonna work. Again I refuse to look up to her.
“Just leave me alone.”
“When are you going to admit to yourself that you did the wrong thing. That your overconfidence is what has foiled you, not anypony else. That you shouldn't have even been there in the first place. That you're simply not good enough.”
“Shut up,” I yell getting to my hooves. “Go away and stop sending ponies up here to bother me over and over again. I can sort out my own life.” I turn to her to see...
To see nothing.
She just came up here to insult me and immediately left. Maybe it's all I deserve, she was right anyway.
I'm just a frightened little filly when it comes to my heroes, I was just not fit to tryout for them. I messed up and the blame is all on me. I'm not just a failure, I'm a liar, any amount of training couldn't prepare a coward like me for that performance, I fooled myself into believing I could do something.
I walk to the edge of the cloud and look down. Rain falls onto specks in the distance, the buildings of Ponyville, it all seems so insignificant from here.
I flew, fast, straight down, constantly increasing speed. I was thinking so hard about impressing ponies that I lost sight of the facts. The Rainboom was going to occur at too high an altitude, blowing out the bottom layers of the stadium. Endangering hundreds of lives.
And now I'm on the edge, I barely know who I am anymore, I'm not self confident, I'm not deluded into the belief that I'm the best flier in Equestria, or Ponyville for that matter. What am I?
I'm a failure, I'm responsible for the endangerment of hundreds of ponies lives, I'm blind to what's really important if it's on the path to something I want.
I'm pathetic.
The cloud depresses slightly and I feel a presence.
“Rainbow.” Fluttershy's back.
I turn to her, teary eyed. “I'm sorry, I'm sorry to you, to my friends, to the ponies I put in danger, I'm sorry to everypony.”
I kept flying and fllying and when I finally realized what was about to happen it was too late.
Bang.
I panicked.
Screams.
“Rainbow,” she looks scared.
“What is it Fluttershy?”
I remember thinking: what have I done?
And then...
And then?
I... I don't know.
“Watch out.”
I'm falling.
Screaming ponies fall just above me and I see the ground coming fast, I can't think, I don't understand.
I look up, some of the audience members in free fall are Pegasuses, they flap their wings and slow their descent, they start to hover and fly away. They're going to make it, but the others?
They keep falling.
A few get caught by quick thinking Pegasuses and saved by the more powerful Unicorns, but it's clear not everypony is going to make it, there's just not enough time.
And me?
I keep falling..
My wings are immobile and the only thing I can think is: what have I done?
I look down, the ground is growing fast.
Now I understand.
I can get out of this.
Just a few simple wing flaps and I'm up in the air. But I'm not sure if that's what I want anymore.
I'm a failure, even worse, a killer. Even if I didn't want to be.
I panic.
And I...
I...
I close my eyes.
