Celestia Has A Lot of Sex

by Pony with a Pen

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Celestia, Sex, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Cadance, Comedy
Length: 1515

No really, Princess Celestia has a lot of sex. Really. Cadance's claims to the contrary are unfounded, wholly false, and her concern over the matter is entirely misplaced. There is absolutely no reason to continue discussing the matter.

No really, Princess Celestia has a lot of sex. Really. Cadance's claims to the contrary are unfounded, wholly false, and her concern over the matter is entirely misplaced. There is absolutely no reason to continue discussing the matter. So let's just drop the subject completely and move on.

Please.

Featured on 12/31/17

Published 2018-01-01 00:00:07 UTC
Last updated 2018-01-01 00:00:07 UTC

I Mean, A LOT of Sex

Celestia took a small sip from her tea—chamomile. Very calming.

“I’m so glad Sunburst was able to watch Flurry Heart while you and Shining Armor are visiting Canterlot. It’s been so long since we’ve just sat down and had tea together.”

“Too long, Auntie.” Cadance stretched out on her pillow and let out a contented sigh. “Though I wish Shining wouldn’t run off to a gaming store every time we visit a city outside the Crystal Empire.”

“Stallions will be stallions.”

“I suppose, and now that Flurry is a little older, Sunburst and the castle staff should finally be able to watch her on their own. Shiny and I can finally relax once in a while, even if we prefer different activities.”

Celestia raised her hoof to cover a giggle. “And what activities will you be filling all that free time with?”

“Oh, I can think of a few things,” she said with a blush, “but I want to focus more on my responsibilities as the Princess of Love. With everything that’s happened over the past few years, both in the Crystal Empire and across Equestria, I haven’t had much time to fulfill my role as a Princess.”

“You’ve done a wonderful job as a Princess, Cadance. Better than I ever could have hoped.” Celestia replied warmly. Tilting her head, she continued, “What responsibilities are you referring to?”

Cadance pulled herself up onto her forehooves. “I’ve governed the crystal ponies and helped defend Equestria, but those are things that anypony could do in my position. My role and responsibilities as the Princess of Love include more than that.”

“Just like how Luna and I’s responsibilities include more than deciding what color streamers to hang at our next garden party,” Celestia said with a wry smile.

“Yes!” she giggled. “It’s my duty to spread love across Equestria—to help and educate ponies in all matters related to romance and sexuality.” Cadance clapped her hooves together. “Oooh, even thinking about it excites me.”

Celestia took a final sip of tea, draining the cup, before offering a soft smile to her niece. “You’ve been thinking about this for some time, haven’t you?”

“For months and months, but I’ve done more than thinking about it,” Cadance replied giddily.

“I thought that might be the case.” Celestia set her now empty teacup down and looked across the table at her niece as Cadance practically vibrated with excitement. “So, what’s your diabolical plan to take over Equestria with the power of love?”

“Mwahahaha, my plan is already in motion!” Cadance said, doing her best impersonation of a Daring Do villain. “Three weeks ago, I contacted some of the Crystal Empire’s most influential educators and gave them the details of my dastardly plot—rewriting the Sex & Relationships education curriculum.”

“Goodness knows that it needs a thorough rewrite,” Celestia replied, rolling her eyes at her niece’s horrendous impersonation skills. “I think it was last updated when Shining and Twilight’s parents were in school.”

“It’s been longer than that actually.” Cadance swiped a cookie from the table and took a bite. “Might be time to raise the education budget.”

“Mmmnn, or strongly encourage somepony to retire.” Celestia gently lifted a teacake in her magic and studied the intricate frosting decoration covering the delicacy. “I know it’s early in the process, but what would you like to change about the curriculum?”

Shoving the rest of the cookie into her mouth, Cadance wiped her face with a napkin and brought a hoof to her chin. “Focusing on healthy relationships and interactions rather than physical intimacy is a good start. The textbook would certainly benefit from including better diagrams and fewer metaphors, as well as a slang dictionary. What I’d really like to do, though, is start a campaign about sexuality and relationships featuring you, Luna, Twilight, and myself."

“How interesting,” Celestia said, daintily nibbling on her teacake. “An informational campaign featuring ourselves would receive a great deal of attention. It’s a wonderful idea.”

Cadance smiled proudly. “I’d like to think so. As the leaders of Equestria, it’s our responsibility to set the precedent for healthy relationships and sexuality.”

“I couldn’t agree with you more.” Celestia said, setting her half-eaten teacake down. “I can assure you that you’ll have my full support when the time comes.”

Releasing a long, relieved sigh, Cadance said, “I’m glad to hear you say that. I’m really, really glad to hear you say that.”

A short giggle escaped from Celestia’s lips. “Were you that worried? I almost always love your ideas, dear.” Lifting the teapot, she slowly poured more tea into her cup.

“I know, I know,” Cadence replied, brushing her mane away with a hoof. “I was just so worried that you wouldn’t agree to take part in the campaign, since you, Luna, and Twilight are all so completely dysfunctional when it comes to relationships and sex.”

Tea gently flowed over the edges of Celestia’s teacup.

“We have a lot of work ahead of us if you want to take part in this initiative, but if you’re willing to work with me, then I’m sure that Luna and Twilight will be too.”

Underneath Celestia’s tea plate, a orangish-brown spot lazily spread across the tablecloth.

“Oh, I can’t wait to get started!” Cadance exclaimed.

Celestia looked down at the hot, wet liquid dribbling down her legs as tea continued pouring onto the table. Looking back up at her niece, Celestia calmly set the teapot down, picked up a napkin, and gently dried herself without breaking eye contact. “What exactly do you mean by, ‘dysfunctional’?”

“Well,” Cadance replied, “outside of the Elements of Harmony, you have no close relationships that aren’t somehow related to you.”

“That’s not entirely—”

“Speaking of close relationships, no one can remember the last time you went on a date. Be honest now—there’s no need to be ashamed—when was your last serious romantic relationship? Your last suitor must have been centuries ago.”

“N-no,” Celestia nearly sputtered, covering with a self-conscious cough. “It hasn’t been that long.”

“And that would be fine,” Cadance continued, ignoring her aunt’s obvious lie, “if you were intimate with somepony once in a while. A friend with benefits, a casual fling, maybe a consort or secret lover—something, anything. I know you’re kind of prudish, but this is a new era. Sex isn’t just for stallions, you know. Mares are allowed to have fun too.”

“I have sex,” Celestia shot back. “I have a lot of sex.”

Cadance snorted incredulously. “Puh-lease, Auntie. We both know that it’s probably been nearly a millennium since your last roll in the hay.”

“I’m sorry, Niece, but that simply isn’t true,” Celestia said, crossing her forehooves.

“Mmhhmm, sure.”

*Cough* “Excuse me, Princess Cadance?” *Cough*

Cadance and Celestia turned towards the unfamiliar, husky voice. Beside the door, two guards stood watch, a pegasus stallion and a unicorn mare. The pegasus stood silently while waiting for permission to speak, which the Princesses granted.

“I can confirm that Her Highness, Princess Celestia, does have a lot of sex.”

Two pairs of alicorn eyebrows shot up in surprise.

“Really?” Cadance nearly shouted. “Oooohhh, with who? Tell me! Tell me!”

“Um, you know… stallions. Lots of stallions. And mares too. Isn’t that right?” The pegasus turned to the other guard.

“What?” The unicorn mare hissed at her counterpart, before snapping back towards the Princesses. “Uh, yeah… I mean, I mean… Yeah! I—I wasn’t even into mares until I had sex with Her Royal Heiny—I mean Highness.”

Princess Celestia’s eyes nearly burst out of her head.

“My aunt does the sideways pony polka with her royal guards?!” Cadance asked excitedly.

“Of course!” the stallion exclaimed, casting an apologetic glance at Celestia. “We’re here to protect the Princess and help fulfill all of her needs—both physical and emotional.”

“Polyamory, huh?” Cadance looked her aunt in the eye, or at least tried to. Celestia’s eyes darted around the room as if they were trying to find an escape from this conversation. “I never would have guessed it.”

“Oh yeah,” the mare piped back in, “she just has so much love in her heart.”

“Sometimes we have these big orgies,” the stallion added, “because there’s just so much love.”

“Don’t get me started on the orgies,” the mare said, glaring at the pegasus standing next to her. “But really, you have nothing to worry about, Your Highness. Princess Celestia is far healthier than you realize—physically, emotionally, and sexually.”

“Wow, I can see that now,” Cadance mused, smiling at her aunt. “I had no idea you had such an interesting dynamic with your guards.”

“Yes, there are many things you don’t know about me, dear,” said Celestia as she stared off into oblivion.

“Well, I should probably go check on Shiny now,” Candance said as she rose from the table. “Last time I left him alone in Canterlot, he bought 42,000 bits’ worth of Ogres & Oubliettes merchandise.”

“You do that, dear.”

“Bye, Auntie Celestia!”

“Bye, Dear.”

After the guards closed the doors behind Cadance, Celestia slowly, calmly turned to her guards.

“Orgies, really?”