Pinkie Pie VS Lord Abridgement

by The Monoceros

Rating: everyone
Tags: Original Character, Comedy, Random, Pinkie Pie, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 1169

A fourth wall damaging story in which Pinkie has to fight a supervillain while waiting for a friend.

Pinkie has to fight a supervillain as part of a very random and nonsensical oneshot before she can spend time with her friend Twilight.

Published 2018-01-07 02:30:07 UTC
Last updated 2018-01-07 02:30:07 UTC

The Story

Twilight walked into Sugarcube Corner when she was attacked by a pink hyper-active bundle of joy.

"Hey, I have a name! And it's Pinkie Pie!" the mare said.

"Uh, Pinkie, who are you talking to?" Twilight asked.

"Oh silly Twilight, I'm talking to the narrator!"

"What?"

Later

"Ooo! Twilight, you really got me a gift?!"

"Yes I did Pinkie, yes I did."

"What is it?!"

"Well, I got you a"

Suddenly Pinkie got all twitchy and contorted her body into a ball.

Then she bounced off the walls like a rubber ball and quickly said, "Oh my Celestia I have to do some thing right now just leave it in my room OK bye!" As she left out the door.

Later-In a clearing in the increasingly less dangerous Everfree forest

"Hey narrator, be nice!"

"̷̕͜Ś̀͘ơ͝͝ ͢y͢͠ò̴̷u͠ ̷͠m̀͢ùs͟t̷͡ ̀҉͟b͜ȩ̶ ̷̧P̷̸̷inkè͜ ̧͘P̢í̶e.̷̸͘"͏ a mysterious evil-sounding voice said.

"And you must be the villain-of-the-week!"

Y͠ęs̨͠,̛͞ ̴ý̶ȩ͘͜s͘͞͝ ̧̛I͟͠ ͟a҉҉͜m̶͜.̴̛͜ ̡̛́Y̷̶̧ou ̨m̴à͘y͝ ̶̀c̸̡̧á̷͝l͏l̶̕͝ ͘͡͏m̢é̡̨ ̴͘L͞o̧͘͞r̛d͢ ͏A̛b́r̶i҉̴͢d̶̨g̴e̷m̴̷̨e͢n̷̡t͢.̶͟"́ the mysterious evil-sounding voice answered.

"And what do you want Lord Abridgement?"

Suddenly, there was a poof of smoke and a tall guy in black spikey armor with a red cape appeared and said, "͡Ì ͜͢͝h̡a̢̧̢v́͟͟e ̶̸co̸̶me̕͠ ͢he̕͜ŕ̢e̵͠ ҉̕to͞ ̧҉ch̢͡e͏w̴ ͜͡b̴͢u̢͏b͡b͟͡͏le͏͏g̡um͠ ̀an̴̶d̛͞͏ ́r̨̀͡e̷̵s̨̕͜h̶͜a̸̕p̛͡͠e̢͢ ͢E͞q̛̕u̶͏e͢s̡t̡́͝r̀i̧a ̸͟int̡͜o̴͞ ̷̧a̛n͘͠҉ Ab̕r̛͜i̧̨d̨͜͜g͜e͘d̨͡ ͠Se̢r͟i̸e̸̡̨s̸,̧ ̨͝a̶͡n̡͠d ̕I͞'̵̷̵m ̵̕a̧̨̕l͡l̶ o͘͞ut͏̢͡ ̷̀o̸f̕͟ ̀b̴ùb͢b̧͡le̸g̴͢um̴̢̧.̵́͘ M͝WA̶͞͝H̷̸̷A͡͠H͟AH̨A!́͏"́

"What a coinkydink!" Pinkie retorted, "Because I've come to eat cupcakes and kick your fanny, and I ate my last cupcake on my way here!"

"͡.͜.͜͞.̀͠"

"What?"

"̵͢.͏͢.̴."̵

"WHAT? Oh, I completely failed that one liner, didn't I."

"̡́..̛҉.̶Y̶u̡̕͠p̧.̶͘͞ ͡͝Y҉̧ou͘ ̢ḑ̧͢e͜fi͠ni̶͘͞t̢e͠ly̷͝ ̷̢͡don͜ę̴͟ ̴͡g̵o̸̡͡o̶̶͡f̵͘͢e̢d̡."҉̢

"Um.... Hey could you Pinkie Promise that if-if anypony asks, and nopony's gonna ask, but if anypony asks, couldja tell them that I gave a really good one-liner. But only if anypony asks. If nopony asks than just say nuthin, okie dokie lokie?"

"U͟h͠,̶̷̧ ̴͡l͘͜í͞k̨͠e̛ ̡w̷͘͝h͠át̵̛?́͏̸"

"Huh? What do you mean?"

"̵̀͠Lik̕e ͠w̷̧h́a̡͡t̵̡͡ ̨k͢i͘n̴͠d̸̡̛ ̷ò͝f̸̶̕ ̀o̸͘͠n̴҉̷ę͏-̢͢͠lin̨͢er̨̕?̷"̢͢

"Um.... How about.... Something about making you wish you still had bubblegum...?"

"̶͝O̢͟k͟á̡͘y̴.̨"

And so the epic fight began.

It was truly epic, it was such an unbelievably epic fight that the fabric of reality should have warped and collapsed into itself it was, it was... it was so unbelievably BORING!

"Hey, wait WHAT!"

"҉A̸̸r̴͜e ̶͠͠yo͠u͟ ̴̛k̛i̷͞͠d͘d̕in̶̛g̡͜ ̕m͏͟e̵͘͠!̢ ͝ ̨͟͠S̵̵͟E̕͡R̴Į͠͠O͏̡͞U̧S͏͝Ļ̴͘Y̷͞!̨̨ ͜͠҉ ͜Aw̧̕ ̨C̀͡O͟͢M͘͡E͜ ̛͞Ǫ̀͠N ҉M̧̡A̛N̶̕! ̸̀Ho̕ẁ͘ ̶c҉̨͘ó̵u̕͜ld ̕y͟҉̵o͡u̶͝ ̕D͢A͏͝R͘E҉͜͝ ̧͘͡d̵̕̕e̷͝s̵͟c̡͢͡ŕ̵i҉͞͏b̵͝͝e͢ my̶̛ f̶̵i̷̵ght̵ ̷̴͟wit̸́h҉ ́͢Ṕi͟n͞k̡͢ie̡ ͠͏P͝ie͘͞ ̡͟ą̶s̵ ̡͝s̷o̵m̡̀e̛͘t̶̸͠h̴̨͢į̧n͡͡g̛͏ ̶͝B̵̧OR̢͞I͘͟͟N͝͏̨G!͟?"̴̶́

"He's blasting me with pure energy, I dodge it and then shoot at him with mah party cannon!, he dodges, then he blasts me again and... Oh my sweet mother of Luna and Celestia this IS boring! We are both literally-What does literally even mean? I've heard Twilight say that word, maybe I should ask her later.-doing the exact same thing over and over and over again!"

{Aw, now you're getting it,} responded the Narrator.

"̴̡̀O̷͞h҉̢ ̴̕ś̡̕o͏͢ ̢n̵ow͟͞ ̶̧͢t̸h͏e͏ ̶Ņ̶a̧͟͞ŗ̶r̵̢̛át̕o̴͘͝r͝ ̢̧͟ḑ̛e̵̶͏c͡͏i͟d͞è͟͠s̀͡ ͟͡͏t̀ó̶͜ ͟t̸à҉̧lk̶ t̷͜ó̡ ̡͘͝us ̡̕d͏̨i͞r̵̡͟ect̴͡l͠ý̵͡,͟"͢ Lord Abridgement said.

"Oh, leave him alone," Pinkie Pie said, "I'm sure he's under a lot of stress, you know... what with actually being a narrator and all that narratory stuff."

"͜͢͠Ơh͜͢ ͝w̸a͜͠i̡͞t̸͠,̀ ̸͞a͜ŕe̢̛ ̨͟͞ỳ̧̛o̕͜͞u͏̨ ̕͠r̵͞͝e͏a̕͟͞l̕l̡ý͏͠.̨.."͝

{Yes I most certainly am.}

"See, I told you so!"

"I̶̷͝'̶̷͝ḿ̧͟ ̸̶̀so s̷̢͠òr̨r̷͡͞y͘͢,̡ ̛m҉̢a̧̧͟n͏.̸͏ ̡ ̵̶Į͏̸ d̡i͠dn̛'͟t̶ k̛n͟o͏͠w͠͞."҉͝

{It's okay.}

And so both Pinkie Pie and Lord Abridgement took a breather to comfort the Narrator and try to make him feel better. Then the Narrator made some popcorn and said, {Your battle may not be the best fight of all time, it may be a repetitive mess, and it may be one giant cliche...}

"But..." Pinkie prodded gently.

{But,} the Narrator replied, {It does make for some pretty dang good darn amazingly great super special awesome popcorn entertainment.}

A few mouthfuls of popcorn (and various other snacks) later

The fight was on again, Pinkie stood firmly against Lord Abridgement, with determination in her eyes.

'I can take this big bad guy down,' she thought to herself, 'it'll be easy peasy piesy, with whipped cream on top! I've taken down lot's of villains, and this Abridged Series obsessed wackjob, or is it nutjob?, is no different! No siree! I can do this! Right? And this time, I'll fight him in a way that is the opposite of doing the exact same thing all over and over and over again! No siree! I think... I hope...'

Pinkie jumped into the air, shouted "I got an idea!", and disappeared.

"̶U̵̡̕m̕͘m̢.҉͜.͡.͟ wha͞t̢?̸"͟ was Lord Abridgement's only response.

Then, suddenly, from up in the trees behind him, something lunged at. "Surprise, motherbucker!" Pinkie screamed at him as she made her attack.

Lord Abridgement spun around and blasted her with lightning, but Pinkie, somehow, dodged in midair and produced a giant mallet from behind her back.

"Pop goes the bad guy!" she sang as she swung the mallet at him.

~CRACK!~

"Yay! I got him! Direct hit too!"

~POOF!~

"̵̡͟G̢óo̵͜͏d͡ ͟͡j̛͠ǫ͡b!͏҉ ̴ ̧W̡͞h̷o̷'̀ḑ̀ ̷̕y̸o̶̢͘u̵ g̸é̡͏t̴̷͘?"̨ Lord Abridgement asked her from behind.

"Did you teleport!"

"T̨́͜he ̕͏a̶ǹs̴͟we̶r̶̸҉ ̨t̡ó ̸y̛o̶͞u̷̡̧r ̸͠q̷̧́ú̶e͡şt̸į̨̛o͟ń҉ i͟͡s̢͘ ̶y͝e̷͟s͡!̸̧͡"

"Dang, and I totally knew it too! Well, back to bees-knees!"

"I̛͘ ̶c̷͏o̷u͞l͏̧ḑ̵n'͟͟t̀ ̛̕͜a̡g̀ree͏ ̨́m͢o̷̡r͜e͢҉..̛͠.͏͡͞ ͠ ̸́͟E͝n̛g̷a̷̢r̸de͢͞!͏" Lord Abrdgement said while manifesting and swinging a big, scary, evil-looking sword.

"Have at thee!" Pinkie replied in a martial arts stance, and then said, "Prepare yourself! 'Cause I'm gonna kick your butt!"

"̵͢A҉͟r̶e̵̢͘ ͜y̵͜o͜u҉͠҉ ͝r͜e̴a͟͝dy̛ ́f̢̀o҉̴ŗ҉ ̷t́h͠į͘s̸?̷"̡̕ Was the only response she got.

"Yes!" Pinkie answered with a quick nod, "In fact, I am so more more than ready, Freddy!"

"͘͟͠H̢ǫ͘͢w̴̛͘ di̛d͢ ̢͘҉s̶̴h̸e͜ ͜͢͡k̢͟n̕͜o̸͏w̵ ͜͟m̶͟͡y̛͘͘ re͝͝à͟͜l̸̢ ̴͜fi͝r͝st̛ ̀n̕͠͝a̢͝m̷e̵̛,͞͏"̵̷̵ Lord Abridgement mumbled

"What did just say?"

"͢I ̡̕s͝͏̀a̕͡i̷͝d̴̵́:̧͘͞ ̛'Go͜͞oḑ̶ ̛̛͝t́o͢͞ ́̕͝k̢n̵͡ow̴.͠'̸"́͡͝

"Oh, okay!"

{Wait!} the Narrator suddenly shouted.

"̶̸Oh̛͘͡, ̵̨w̷h̴a̴̕t̸ ͢͢͡n͡ow҉̛?̨"̛ groaned Lord Abridgement.

{I'm all out of popcorn.} the Narrator replied.

"Oh that is a big problem!" said Pinkie Pie.

{Yes it is, also something has been bugging me for a while now.}

"What is it?"

{Well, have either of you been hearing a voice?}

{Are you referring to me?}

"̧̀͘Ẁ͘͟h͡͝a̸̶ţ̀͡ ̀t̀h̀́͢e̴̷͠.͜.̶̨͠."͠

"Who are you?"

{I am the Narrator's narrator.}

"̢W̴̢̢ha̴͟͡t̀́.͠"

"What!?"

{WHAT!?}

One three on one beatdown later

And so, after having one heck of a workout, Pinkie Pie and Lord Abridgement decided to simply talk it over.

"So are you trying to reshape the fabric of my universe to create an Abridged Series instead of making one on your computer and uploading it onto the internet?"

"͢B͝ę̶̷cá͜us̷̸͟e҉̷ I̵ ̨̕͝f͞͏o̵r̵̢͠g̀́͟o̸͝t̨ my͞ ̨͡Yo͠u̧T̸u̡͠b̧̕e̛͝͝ p̷a̴s̵s͘wo҉͏̀r̢͘d̵́.͘"̡͠͞

"Then why don't you just create a new account?"

"O̴͝h̸̨,̀͝ o̷k͜͟͞aý́. ҉ ̧Bye͞͝!̸́̕"͘

~POOF!~

And so Lord Abridgement teleported away, never to be seen ever again by any Equestrian.

Later-Back in Sugarcube Corner

"Pinkie Pie! Are you okay?" Twilight Sparkle asked her friend.

"Yeah," she said, "I'm just gonna go upstairs and play pinball in my room."

"How did you know that I got you a pinball machine?"

Author's Note

I hope you have all enjoyed my first non-crossover, non-Conversion Bureau, E-rated fanfic ever on this site!

Wow, that's three firsts.