WHERE'S THE SOUP!?

by Vertigo22

Rating: teen
Tags: Profanity, Slice of Life, Narcotics, Twilight Sparkle, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Comedy, Starlight Glimmer
Length: 3814

Starlight Glimmer learns an age old lesson when she goes on a journey to purchase a can of soup.

Starlight Glimmer has learned many lessons over the course of her time as Princess Twilight Sparkle's student. The values and meaning of friendship, not to enslave a town and steal their cutie marks, and how to turn the shower on in the castle.

However, her greatest lesson has yet to be learned. And it shall come to her when she goes on a journey to purchase a can of soup.

Entry for The Comedy (Is Serious Business) Contest under the prompt: We Learned Something Archaic

Pre-read by King of Madness and Zendar.

Edited by James Fire

Cover art by HPBudgecraft,

Published 2018-01-26 00:10:06 UTC
Last updated 2018-01-26 00:10:06 UTC

I NEED MY SOUP!

Twas a cold, winter evening in Ponyville, Equestria. Many colts and fillies were out, prancing through the newly-fallen snow. Others danced while some went ice-skating, and some opted to do other things one would do when there was freshly, powdery snow on the ground. Then there were those indoors; playing games, knitting, or doing the all-time classic action of sleeping in.

Within the kitchen of Twilight Sparkle’s castle, however, was Starlight Glimmer, who was doing none of those things. Rather, she was standing in front of a cabinet: shaking and visibly angry as the sight that was in front of her.

“TWILIGHT!”

Behind her, she could hear the clopping of hooves race up to her side. “What is it, Starlight?” Asked a concerned Twilight. “Did you find that black widow I’d seen earlier?!”

Slowly, Starlight turned her head to her mentor and friend. Her eyes never once blinked and her facial expression changed not once; remaining stuck in a permanent resting bitch face expression. “Where. Is. The. Soup?” she asked once her head had stopped moving. “You know that I’m incapable of thoroughly enjoying a snowy night without a warm bowl of soup!”

Twilight’s pupils shrunk. She mentally scolded herself for not remembering to pick up soup at the market earlier in the day. It was the one thing she’d forgotten! And that was after she had to return other times to pick up soap, tissues, vegetables, and Spike’s Gummy Gem Vitamins!

“I… I forgot it,” Twilight said sheepishly, turning her head away from the soul-penetrating gaze of Starlight. “B-But that’s okay! Because we can…” Twilight’s eyes shot around the room, looking at every cabinet that she could lay eyes on that didn’t have Starlight within it. Which, thankfully, was several.

Arranging the cabinets by food type paid off for Twilight. She made a note to tell Spike she told him so.

Once she’d mentally figured out a reasonable meal that one could reasonably enjoy on a snowy night, Twilight spoke back up—still making sure not to make eye contact with Starlight. “We can enjoy a nice salad! They’re healthy and you love them!”

Starlight Glimmer trotted over to Twilight and stared blankly at her. The anger in her eyes had all but faded. But, in the blink of an eye, it all came back. “THAT’S NOT THE SAME, TWILIGHT!”

Twilight blinked and fixed her mane, which had become the victim of Starlight’s own version of the Royal Canterlot Voice—the Royal Starrage Voice. It wasn’t as common as it was when Starlight had first come under her tutelage, but Twilight was still accustomed to it rearing its ugly head every now and then.

“Yes, well, the market isn’t open at this time of day,” Twilight said as she attempted to keep her composure. “In fact, it’s been closed for the past two hours. Maybe if you’d checked to see if I’d forgotten anything when I went shopping, you could’ve gone yourself and picked some soup up.”

“I was busy!” Starlight retorted.

“You were playing Monopoly with Spike all day.”

“Hey! That’s a perfectly reasonable reason to not have paid attention to what you forgot when you went shopping!” Starlight snapped. “Now, do you know of any place that sells soup that isn’t closed?”

“Starlight, you’re not getting soup tonight,” Twilight deadpanned. “The only place that I can even guess is open is in Manehattan, and-”

Before Twilight could finish her sentence, Starlight had run out of the castle with her jacket, wallet, and a bag of gummy bears.

“... those were my gummy bears,” Twilight whispered to herself.

The air outside was, naturally, cold. Not that Starlight cared. Thoughts of her eating a bowl of soup in the warm interior of the castle filled her mind, putting her body at semi-ease as she hastily made her way to the Ponyville train station. Her trip there was filled with the sound of snow crunching beneath her hooves, a few young lovers waving to her as they played in the snow, and the occasional realization that it was really damn cold outside, which came in the form of a gust of wind.

However, determination filled Starlight from horn to tail. She pressed onward, ignoring the frigid temperature, and eventually arrived at the train station. She galloped up to the ticket stallion and slammed a few bits onto the counter. “A ticket to Manehattan!”

The stallion took the bits and placed them in a register. “Uh-huh.” With a dead look in his eyes, he handed a train ticket to Starlight and flatly said, “Have a nice trip, ma’am.”

Starlight grabbed the ticket and bolted onto the train, taking a seat across from a unicorn stallion with an ocean-blue coat. He also wore a business suit and had a briefcase next to him, which made Starlight worry she was going to be coaxed into buying real estate.

Or worse: be talked into going to Wall Street.

“Hey there.”

And just like that, the sound of stock brokers and scent of burning money surrounded Starlight. The thought of drowning in eternal debt flooded her mind.

And worst of all: the thought of having to talk about stocks entered her mind.

Starlight let out a nervous laugh. “Uh.. hello,” she said awkwardly.

The stallion gave a warm smile. “My name’s Suit Case. I work as a lawyer.”

Just like that, Starlight’s fears vanished. She gave Suit a smile and said, “pleasure to meet you.”

“Pleasure to make your acquaintance,” Suit replied. “So, what’re you headed to Manehattan for?” he asked. “You don’t seem like the type of pony I’d see going out there at this time of night.”

Starlight chuckled. “Well, you see, my, um, friend forgot something at the market and the stores are closed,” she said. “However, she did say that there may be a place in Manehattan that has what I want.”

Suit stared at Starlight for a bit, tapping his chin. As the train departed, he spoke back up. “Oh, you’re Princess Twilight’s student, right?”

“That’s correct,” Starlight said with a smile.

“Yeah, I thought so!” Suit smiled back. “Your name is… Streamline Glinter, right?”

The smile on Starlight’s face quickly faded. “No,” she deadpanned, “it’s Starlight Glimmer”

“Close enough.”

Starlight rolled your eyes. “How’d you recognize me?” she asked. “I don’t think I said anything that’d give who I am away.”

“Nah, I just recognized your mane,” Suit replied. “I saw you on the cover of those magazines my daughter reads. Something about the worst mane styles.”

Starlight blushed. “I… I didn’t think it’s a bad choice.”

Suit shrugged. “I’ve got other things to worry about,” he said. “Your mane does look like discolored cotton candy though. May wanna at least dye it like that friend of yours. What’s her name? Planket Ping?”

Starlight facehoofed. “You don’t get out much do you?”

“With friends? Nah.” Suit waved a hoof dismissively. “More fun to go get drunk at a bar alone and see where I wake up the next morning.”

Starlight raised an eyebrow. “Aren’t you worried you’ll get hurt?”

“Eh, I’ve been doing it since I was your age,” Suit answer casually. “I’ve gotten used to waking up in dangerous locations.” He sat back and chuckled. “Almost got run over by a train once. My mother beat me for hours that morning…”

Starlight slapped herself across the face. “And you… didn’t care?”

“Nope.” Suit sat back and smiled.

“Why not?” Starlight asked, a look of perplexion on her face.

“Eh.” Suit shrugged. “I was more focused on the hangover I had.”

“I see…” Starlight pursed her lips. “So, since you asked me why I’m going to Manehattan,” she began, “why are you headed there? Live there? Work there?”

“I do in fact work and live there, but I was away on a business trip.” Suit let out a sigh. “I’m headed back because my aunt died.”

Starlight gasped. “I’m so sorry.”

Suit laughed. “Don’t be, she was old.” Sitting forward, he continued, ignoring the look that Starlight shot him. “Though she didn’t die of old age, surprisingly.”

“How’d she die?” Starlight asked, curiously.

“A ceiling lamp fell on her head.” Suit leaned forward until his muzzle was against Starlight’s. “Some of the glass got into her eyes.” He pressed his muzzle against Starlight’s. “Then she ran outside and into the traffic where she was hit by a taxi stallion.” He stared unblinkingly into Starlight’s soul. “Then, as she lay on the asphalt battered, broken, and bleeding—externally and internally—a power line fell on her and she died.”

Starlight stared at Suit—who sat back down on his seat—her mouth agape and her eyes wide as watermelons. Slowly, one shut and the other remained open.

“I know my story isn’t that interesting,” Suit said casually, “but I didn’t think it was so bad that it’d put you to sleep.”

Starlight took a deep breath and opened her eyes. “It’s not that it’s putting me to sleep,” she said. “It’s that you seem so nonchalant about it all.”

“Oh, I’m sad,” Suit replied. “I’m just too concerned about how much this thing is going to cost.”

Starlight raised an eyebrow. “Why?”

“Well, the rest of her family is dead and I’m the only one who could pay for it,” Suit deadpanned. “I met her all of once when I was drunk and all I can remember her saying was where she could get a light for her cigarette.” A sigh escaped his mouth. “Then she stole my whiskey and drank it all before passing out on the couch…” Suit slouched in his seat. “She puked on me when she woke up.”

Starlight cringed. “How nice.”

“Yeah.” Suit chuckled. “She was never the ideal aunt.” Sitting back up, Suit asked, “What’s life like in Ponyville?”

“Quiet and peaceful,” Starlight replied. “At least, it has been. Twilight’s told me stories of what it was like prior to me living there.”

“Like when…” Suit tapped his chin. “That big centaur dude was there?”

“Yeah.” Starlight shuddered. The thought of her having lived there when Tirek went on his rampage filled her with enough chills to freeze the better half of the entire planet.

Before either of them could continue, the train slowed down, surprising both of them. “Well then,” Suit said as the train pulled into the station. “You said that you were coming to Manehattan to pick something up correct?” he asked, to which Starlight nodded. “Well, my place isn’t that far from the train station, so if you’d like, we can continue our conversation when we arrive.”

“Sure!” Starlight replied.

“Excellent.” Suit stood up and stretched out. He grabbed his briefcase and hooked it onto his side. “Let’s go.”

Starlight nodded and followed Suit off the train. Though, neither one picked up the conversation. Rather, the lights and sounds of the bustling city were the ones to speak. Although it was closing in on ten o’clock at night, Manehattan was alive as ever. Taxi ponies brought ponies of all ages from place to place. Business ponies hustled from one place to another. Police ponies made their rounds keeping a sharp eye out for anyone who would dare break the law.

Starlight looked around in awe. Although she had been to Manehattan before, it never ceased to enrapture her at how alive it felt, no matter the time of day.

“Yeah, it’s pretty breathtaking,” Suit said, starry eyed himself. “I sometimes find myself admiring the city from time to time.”

“Well, glad to know I’m not alone,” Starlight replied, snapping out of her trance-like state. “Um… well, where is your place?”

“Oh, it’s very close,” Suit answered. “Before I go though, I’d like to stop at a nearby convenience store to grab a newspaper,” he said, hopeful that Starlight understood the reason that a pony like him would want a newspaper.

“Why do you want one?”

A sense of frustration filled the law pony. Although he didn’t expect a pony who didn’t reside in the big city to understand the intricacies of purchasing the newspaper, he had at least hoped she wouldn’t question such a thing. With a sigh, he responded, visibly indignant that he had to explain himself. After all, he was supposed to ask the questions.

“I want to read the sports section.”

“Oh, okay,” Starlight chirped she trotted ahead, looking back to say, “Well, let’s get to it.”

Suit quickly caught up to Starlight. “Well, for somepony who isn’t from the city, you sure are quick to get to your destination!”

“What can I say?” Starlight asked with a grin. “I have a little bit of city inside of me when it matters.”

“I see.” Suit walked in front of Starlight and backpedaled as he spoke. “I guess I was wrong to judge you. You don’t look like someone who’d go to Manehattan at night, but you seem to have the personality of someone who would.”

“Well, I’m flattered you think so,” Starlight replied gleefully. “So, tell me: where’s the store you want to go to?”

“Right…” Suit turned around and teleported ahead to a nearby store. “Here!” He looked over at Starlight. “I might be a bit. Want to come in and hang out?”

“Does it sell soup?” Starlight asked.

Suit shook his head. “‘Fraid not.”

“Then I’ll stay outside and admire the lights.” Starlight turned around as Suit entered the store. She could hear him greet the cashier happily, which brought a sense of joy to her. However, as quickly as her joy arrived, it vanished.

The reason being the growl of her stomach. Naturally, only one thing could satisfy such hunger.

“I wonder if there’s a store around that sells soup.”

Without another word, or thought, Starlight trotted down the street, looking at each and every store. There were a plethora of them: pet stores, game stores, furniture stores so lavish and expensive that it’d make Rarity’s head implode fifty times over, and a party store that looked as run down as an old west town.

As for the food stores...

“Closed.” Starlight ran across the street to another. “Closed!?” She ran to another. “Son of a goose!” It was also closed. Starlight sighed and walked down the street, a sad look on her face.

“Hey, you!”

A voice caused her to stop mid-stride. She turned her head and looked into an alleyway. Standing in the middle of it was an earth pony stallion with a trench coat on. His eyes were hidden behind sunglasses that made him look like one of those spooks that Celestia sometimes sent out to watch for shifty ponies when there were big events going on. With hesitation, Starlight replied, “Me?”

The stallion nodded and stepped forward. “Yes, you. I got some high class shit that’ll make you see rainbows where stallions normally have their, uh, thingys.”

“Tails?” Starlight tilted her head slightly.

“Sure.” The stallion walked up to Starlight and put a leg around her neck. “Trust me, this stuff is top-of-the-line. I can promise you that you will never want to come down from the crazy feeling you’ll have. It’s the best stuff I’ve ever made in my entire life, and that’s saying something because I once made a pill that made somepony think he was a big green monster.” The stallion withdrew his leg and stood in front of Starlight expectantly. “So, what do you say? Want a hypodermic needle that’ll cause you to see some glorious shit?”

Starlight took a step back and let out a nervous chuckle. “N-No thanks.” She rubbed the back of her head. “Unless you have some soup?”

“Uhh…” the stallion looked under his trench coat. “No, but I have crack. Want some of that?”

Before Starlight could decline the stallion’s offer six ways from Sunday, Suit walked out of the nearby store with a newspaper and coffee. “Okay, I’m good, Starlight!” He trotted up and stared at the stallion and stared at him for a bit, after which a grin slowly formed on his face. “Who are you?”

“I’m…” The stallion slunk back, a look of horror on his face. “A hard-working stallion just trying to make a living.” He chuckled nervously. “Want some LSD?”

“No thanks,” Suit answer. “But, I’ll be sure to tell your dad that you finally found a job.”

The stallion let out a high-pitched scream and darted passed the two, a sight that made Suit erupt into a fit of laughter.

Starlight, meanwhile, raised an eyebrow. “Do you really know his father?”

It took Suit a few seconds to calm down, but once he did, he responded as bluntly as he could. “His dad’s no better than him. I was his lawyer. I figured that this sort of behavior ran in the family.” He wiped away tears from his eyes a smirked. “His dad wouldn’t have taken kindly to competition in his territory.”

Starlight shivered. “Would you really have done that?” She took a step away from Suit, a fearful look on her face.

“Most likely not.” Suit walked out of the alleyway and motioned for Starlight, who hesitantly walked towards him. “Oh, c’mon, I was just joking,” he said. “I’d never do something
heartless.”

“Oh.” Starlight nervously giggled and pawed at the ground. “Sorry.”

“Ah don’t worry.” Suit walked ahead, Starlight by his side. “My sense of humor doesn’t always click with folks. I can’t say I’m surprised somepony who only just met me can’t quite pick up on when I’m joking and when I’m not.”

Starlight opened her mouth to reply when her eyes landed on a nearby supermarket. She ran over to it, only to see that it was closed. “Damn it!”

“Uh, Starlight? You do know that it’s-”

“I just want
can of soup!” Starlight stomped back over to Suit and let out a sigh. “Whatever.”

“You do know that most stores aren’t opened tonight, right?” Suit asked, rather surprised at Starlight’s sudden outburst.

Starlight waved a hoof dismissively. “I’ll find a place,” she said. “C’mon, let’s go. You said that your place is close, right?”

“Yeah, but I have one last question,” Suit said. “What’s it like to be the student of a princess? I can’t imagine how incredible it must be to be the pupil of royalty.”

“Well, I must say it’s quite the honor,” Starlight began, “but I think it’s more amazing she forgave me after all that happened…” Starlight looked down at the ground and sighed. “Still don’t get how I’ve gotten to where I am now.”

“Well… surely she saw something within you that made her realize you warranted such a prestigious honor.” Suit placed a hood beneath her chin, lifting her head up. “I’m sure of that.”

“Thanks.” Starlight wrapped her legs around Suit, catching him off guard, but he ultimately responded in kind, hugging Starlight. After a bit, she broke it, and looked at him. “Well, you said your home isn’t too far from here, correct?”

Suit nodded. “I best be going before the missus gets upset that I haven’t made the proper plans for the funeral. Do take care, Starlight.”

“You too,” Starlight replied. With that, the two parted ways; Suit running off up the sidewalk and Starlight trotting off in the opposite direction. She made her way from street to street, stopping at each and every food store she saw. Every time, she got the same six letter message.

And each time, her reaction was the same.

It was only natural that Starlight received no looks, what with everypony who was near her was too busy either sleeping or making their way to some important location.

Every time.

No matter what.

Some time passed before Starlight arrived at a store that had a large neon sign outside of it that filled her hope.

Starlight galloped up to the front door of the supermarket and went to open it. To her surprise, it wouldn’t open. “Come on you stupid thing!” She pushed, pulled, bucked, ran into the door, and even attempted to negotiate a deal with it like she had even the slightest grasp on the art of it.

None of it worked.

Not in the slightest.

Pressing her face up against the glass, Starlight stared into the supermarket. Her eyes immediately went to Aisle four, which held her ultimate desire; her one true love.

“Sunburst works as a janitor here?” Starlight tilted her head. “Huh. I didn’t know that.” Her eyes then went to Aisle six, which held her prize; her one true edible love.

Soup.

A whole fuck lot of soup.

A muffled moan escaped Starlight’s mouth. Slowly, she removed her face from the window and looked at the ground. She walked away when a lightbulb went off inside of her head. “Wait…” She looked back up and at the window. “I know just how to get soup.” A devious grin formed on her face as her horn glowed a luminous violet.

Back in the Castle of Friendship, Sparkles, and Happyful Stuff, a very sleepy Princess Twilight Sparkle sat in bed, reading a book.

Suddenly, a letter appeared in front of her, causing her to jump in surprise. She grabbed it with her magic and unraveled it.

Dear, Twilight Sparkle,

I, over the course of your entire life, have taught you many things. The values of friendship, caring, honesty, compassion, forgiveness, and where the various rooms in my castle are. However, in that time, I also didn’t teach you many things deliberately as I felt it was best that you learn them on your own.

Case in point: it has come to my attention that your student, Starlight Glimmer, was… caught doing some questionable things in Manehattan. As it stands, Luna and I are willing to release her back to you under the condition that she be accompanied wherever she goes for a few months and performs a hundred and fourteen hours of community service in Manehattan with you, or another of the Elements of Harmony, present. We achieved this bargain thanks to a lawyer that she requested. Apparently, they know each other. I was not aware that either of you knew one.

We also wish to have you instruct her that blowing a massive hole in the side of a supermarket for a can of soup is an unnecessary action and should not be done under any condition.

Sincerely, Princess Celestia

P.S. Do tell her that the vast majority of stores aren’t open on holidays and that Sunburst has a twin brother named Bunsurst, a notoriously clean robber. I’m offering a fifty thousand bit reward for his arrest.

Twilight’s eye twitched. She rested the letter on the bed and took a deep breath. “And here I thought I’d taught Starlight everything there was to be known when it came to right and wrong.”