Pinkie Pie Finds a Jumbo-size Fleshlight in the Basement

by ProtheanBrony

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Random
Length: 1112

Title says all. Hijinks ensue.

Pinkie Pie finds a pony recreational toy in the Cakes' basement. Hijinks ensue. I feel ashamed for being able to write this. Once again, I crap out ideas from the recesses of my mind and passively shove it down your respective esophagi(uses?). A oneshot based on an idea while trying to deal with a power outage and stir-crazy brother. Nothing to do with actually owning a Fleshlight. 'Cus I don't. Really.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2012-07-22 08:04:01 UTC

Insert link to that one episode of The Office where Steve Carrell says "NO GOD! PLEASE NO! NO!" here.

Insert link to that one episode of The Office where Steve Carrell says "NO GOD! PLEASE NO! NO!" here.

And this is why nobody should ever let me run out of things to do.  Please stop reading here now.  Here, I'll even throw in a little joke to satisfy your hunger for comedy or whatever.  Knock Knock.  Who's there?  Jimmy proceeds to run away in tears now that Alzheimer's has caused his grandmother to forget him.  Now, stop reading.  Please.  To those of you who read the whole Saxton Hale fit of insanity, you know what I mean.  Now stop reading.  Really.  Also, alliteration.

The pink Ponyvillian party pony proceeded to push the portal to the Cake's cellar open, and descended into the damp darkness that dwelled within.  She groped the darkness for a chain, upon the discovery of which she pulled, illuminating the room.  And sitting in the center of the mounds of nutmeg, Nutella, Nair, and nuclear waste, lay a giant steel cylindrical object, shaped a bit like a flashlight, but in place of a bulb, was a pinkish-looking hole-thing.  And it was huge.  Freaking huge.  Not just the hole, but the entire thing itself.

The gargantuan object was large enough for Pinkie to crawl inside it, which she did.  And that's when the Cakes descended into the basement, a mound of various things that start with the letter N lifting a massive cylindrical tube into the air.

"Carrot... what's that?"

"I... uh... crap... it's... a giant bundt pan?"

And with that, Mrs. Cake dragged the Fleshlight upstairs, wrecking the stairs and stranding Carrot Cake in the basement, the screeching of the steel on the Softwood silencing his screams.  Cup Cake then thought to herself, where's Pound?  Oh, nevermind, he'll show up.  Pound Cake then proceeded to fall out of the giant gaping maw of the fleshlight, followed by a fish, fourteen Filly-Scouts, and a flock of Seagulls.  Mrs. Cake then poured the secret Cake family recipe into the "Bundt Pan," which happened to be composed of two strands of Ebola and a gallon of liquid Nitrogen, and threw it into the secret Cake family oven, which happened to be a volcano in their backyard, incinerating Pinkie Pie, and jettisoning the Fleshlight into the horizon, magma streaming from its single orifice.

"AGH!  MY LEG!"

The burning "Bundt Pan" then landed in Sweet Apple Acres, coinciding with the casual return of a conglomeration of Con-Ponies, crushing them, and setting alight the Apple Farm.  Granny Smith immediately ran outside and threw her wrinkled raggedy old self into the flames, due to the little known fact that the Apple family is really a cult of ponies who worship fire and have an arsenal of nuclear weapons and were banished to Apple farming after nuking District 13, extinguishing the flames.  Apple Bloom then dove into the pinkish fleshy hole-thing on the superheated Fleshlight, incinerating herself as well.  Applejack followed, but terminated her tearful life with a cry of ecstasy as she exploded and propelled herself through the center of Earth, killing Brandon something or whatever, the guy in that movie, and flying into Pony Communist Russia, and somehow firing all of their nukes at Equestria.

She then flew into orbit and splattered squish-ally against the moon.  Luna then felt a disturbance in the Force, and turned into a set of brown robes that collapsed to the ground as a nuke hit Canterlot, killing Celestia because she was too busy with her five o'clock molestation of Discord's Statue.  The fleshlight then gained sentience and rolled to the schoolhouse, where Cherilee also threw herself into it, dissolving into blue ash-stuff as she took control of the Reapers and saved Equestria from the rest of the nukes by shooting them down.  Unfortunately, her unaided aim was inadequate and she destroyed everywhere except Ponyville and Pony Communist Russia.  Since EA then released DLC allowing the players to resurrect her with the Crucible, she came back to life and ate Diamond Tiara and committed Seppuku, which somehow caused the Fleshlight to lose sentience.

Then Twilight approached the Fleshlight, becoming indoctrinated and luring all of Pony Communist Russia to it, where she leaped into it and destroyed everypony in Pony Communist Russia.  Then she leaped back out, followed by Owliscious, who changed its name to correspond to how the hell I want to spell it right now, and they turned into Cortana and EDI and flew into space, where the Space Core warned them of the dangers of blue paint, and they had an excellent adventure until accidentally annihilating Pluto, revealing a giant yellow demon-dog thingy that ate the universe.

Now in the Demon-Dog thingy's esophagus, Ponyville then proceeded to all jump into the Fleshlight, causing an anonymous brony in Los Angeles to receive word of their tale.  That brony was then sent to the bottom of the Marianas Trench because Deus Ex Machina bullshit endings are weak, and Ponyville fell back out of the Demon-Dog thingy after it had to get a hole cut in its brain because it did Cocaine or something.  Now stuck in the void of space, everyone in Ponyville asphyxiated and died.  But then they all woke up from the Matrix, simultaneously breaking out of their cocoons and raiding the Changeling base that they were in until a Xenomorph appeared and ate the nearest Redshirt.  Morpheus (God, not other guy.) appeared and sent all the ponies and the Xenomorph back into the Matrix where they married and lived to old age.

Then Benjamin Button was born from the Xenomorph and Twilight, but he was really John Rambo, for as the prophecy fortold, he was born with an M60 for genitalia and a bandolier in his mouth.  He murdered the Xenomorph, but the acid blood melted through the floor, allowing Tony Stark to fly a nuke into Ponyville, where he drank a flash of Vodka and fell unconscious, drifting back through the hole in slow motion, which summoned Max Payne who stormed into the basement of Sugar Cube Corner, bathing in the stock of Nair and eating all of the Cakes' Nutella, which caused Mr. Cake to violently eviscerate Max.  Then Max of Sam and Max fame popped from his corpse and warped into Adam West, who put on a Batman suit and shot into the air, because he was really Superman.

Superman then flew into space and was eaten by the Demon-Dog thing, which turned into the Illusive Man, who turned into a Reaper, who turned into Jesus, who turned into a pot of tea, which was drunken by Queen Elizabeth, who turned into Queen Mary (The boat.), which turned into the Titanic, which turned into millions of dollars, flying to James Cameron, and smothering him to death.

And that's what happens when I get locked in a Pitch-black bathroom in a power outage in the middle of f'ing nowhere.