We Learned Something Ancient

by Matthewl419

Rating: teen
Tags: Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Rarity, Fluttershy, Random, Adventure, Sex, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 1134

Twilight and Rainbow embark on the greatest of all quests! Too bad Rainbow wasn't awake for it... though, that's not the part she regrets.

Rainbow Dash has made a mistake. A nearly-fatal mistake. And now, she's forced to go on an... adventure... with Twilight.

She regrets severely her decision to go. Not that she really had one, of course.

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My entry into The Comedy (Is Serious Business) Contest, hosted by our dear, beloved Aragon.

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Editors: You really think I had editors for this?

Published 2018-02-09 07:00:11 UTC
Last updated 2018-02-09 07:00:11 UTC

That We Should Have Learned Long Ago

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"Rainbow Dash," Twilight began, "what have I told you about whoopee cushions on my throne?"

"Th-that you're a-an egghead with n-no sense of humor," she replied between giggles.

Twilight's raised eyebrow said it all.

Rainbow sighed. "Never to do it again."

"And?" Twilight's eyebrow raised even higher.

Rainbow winced at the height of it. "That if I do it again, you'll punish me..."

"Exactly." Twilight's eyebrow lowered, a smirk replacing it. "And for this punishment... you're going to help me do research!"

"What? Noooooooo," Rainbow screamed. "B-but the new Daring Do book comes out tomorrow, and... and your research projects always take days..."

"Then you should have thought of that before you pranked me."

"Ugh, fine. Let's just get this over with. What are you doing this time?"

"Well-" Twilight twirled her hoof "-I was actually going to research comedy."

"Y-you're gonna research... comedy."

"Yes."

"Really? You?" Rainbow attempted to raise her eyebrow as Twilight had done. Attempted.

"Yes. And you are going to help me." Twilight showed Rainbow the proper way to raise an eyebrow. "Got a problem with that?" she asked.

"Well, no..." Rainbow's eyes darted around like mad penguins. "But just what are you trying to find out?"

"Well, you know how everyone says comedy is subjective?"

"Uhh... yeah..."

"I want to find out why." Twilight flashed a quill and notebook into existence. "Let's start with you, what kind of comedy do you like most?"

"Twilight... have you even met me?"

"Just answer the question, please." Twilights eyebrow threatened to wiggle.

Rainbow flinched slightly before replying. "It's pranks," she said.

"And why is that?"

"I-I don't know. I just find them funny." Twilight's eyebrow did wiggle. Rainbow felt a shiver down her spine which prompted her to continue, "It's like... it's like seeing someone make a fool of themselves... in a non-harmful way... is funny because it didn't happen to you. Though if it did you would still laugh at it, ya know?"

Twilight scribbled several notes. "Yes, I do believe that will suffice," she said. "Now, shall we go find Rarity and question her?"

Twilight turned and started to walk toward the door. Rainbow showed no signs of moving. Twilight's eyebrow rose. It was, at that point, cranked up to a 14. Rainbow's brain decided that now would be a good time to take a break, and fell unconscious.

"Ah, well," Twilight said, "I'll just come back for you later."

* * *

Twilight tried to open Rarity's door. Twice. Then she knocked. "Rarity," she then called, "if you don't open this door, I will open it myself!" That seemed justified. It was, after all, for science.

Rarity, unfortunately for her, did not reply. As such, there was a flash of roughly 5,000,000,000 gigilumens, and the resounding crack of a door shattering. "I'd hate to have to sweep that up," Twilight remarked as she stepped through what was once the door. "Ah, well. Rarity! Where are you, Rarity?"

"T-twilight?' she heard from behind her. "Good heavens, what happened here? My shop! My door!" Rarity cried, fainting onto a conveniently magic-ed couch.

"Oh, Rarity, thank goodness, you're here!" Twilight said, turning to face her... her grin not at all maniacal, no, not one bit. "Where have you been?" she asked.

"I-I was at the spa..." Rarity shook her head. "Might I ask why you're here? Or, better yet, why you've destroyed my door? Again?"

"For science." Twilight's grin grew a bit bigger. Her left eye twitched. "So, Rarity, tell me... what's your favorite kind of comedy?"

"Oh, um... why, I don't know, darling. Probably romantic comedy." Rarity shook her head again. "Is that all?"

"Why do you find it funny?" Twilight's tongue peeped out of her lips in the cutest manner as she poised her quill.

"Twilight? Wherever did you get the quill from? That must have been an impressive feat of magic" Rarity said, batting her eyelids.

"Just answer my question, please."

Rarity stepped a little closer before answering. "Is writing notes all you're going to do with that quill?" She leaned in so her muzzle was almost touching Twilight's ear. "I can think of another use for it," she added in a whisper.

"Oh, Rarity," Twilight breathed. "Can you please answer my question?"

"Well," Rarity scoffed. "If you're going to be like that, I must ask you to leave."

"Ugh, fine. Don't answer! I didn't need you anyway!" Twilight stormed out of the room, pretending to slam the door.

Rarity quietly wept.

* * *

"Fluttershy?" Twilight called, knocking on the door to the little, very out-of-the-way cottage.

The door opened slightly and Fluttershy peeked her head out. "Yes?" she asked.

"Fluttershy! I need to ask you what kind of comedy is your favorite!" Twilight said a little louder than necessary.

"Oh. Um, ok." Fluttershy replied. "Well, you're probably going to think this is strange, but... I, um, I like dirty comedy."

"Dirty comedy?" Twilight's eyebrow rose in confusion, a solid 2 on the scale of eyebrow-raising.

"Um, yeah... like, 'What did the mare say when her toilet clogged?'"

"I don't know, what?"

"Shit." Fluttershy blushed a little.

"Oh. Okay. And, um, why the fuck do you find that funny?" Twilight's eyebrow shot up. Full class 12, now.

Fluttershy returned the gesture with a stare. "Because it fucking is, Twilight, that's fucking why," she said.

Twilights eyebrow reached unimaginable powers of 16. Fluttershy's stare grew strong enough to melt the sun. Twilight suddenly rushed forward and embraced Fluttershy in a passionate kiss. Fluttershy returned the gesture with her tongue.

They took it upstairs. Twilight showed off just how much you can do with a quill.

* * *

Rainbow Dash's brain decided it might be time to turn on again. That said, she still had a massive migraine. But, she stood up nonetheless, determined to find... somepony, anypony with pain reliever. Preferably a doctor. She stumbled out the castle door and ran into something white. Something white with a very pointy bit.

"Ow," Rainbow heard from under her. "Darling, that hurt."

"Whoops, sorry Rares," she chuckled. And immediately regretted it as a fresh wave of pain flooded her head.

"Say, Rainbow, have you seen Twilight around?"

"No, not for a while." Rainbow rubbed her head. "She nearly killed me with that eyebrow of hers, ya know."

"Yes, she has become quite adept at it."

"We should never let her do research again, should we?" Rainbow once again rubbed her head.

"Well, it's like the ancient saying... never let a purple book-horse do research."

"Really?"

"Yes, really. I heard that one from Luna, and she's old, so she would know."

Rainbow rubbed her head again. "Yeah. We shoulda learned that one sooner."

Author's Note

I... I don't know either...