Chapters 50 Things I'm Not Allowed to do in Equestria
Rule #1: I will NOT try to send civilization downhill by welcoming foreign creatures to cause major destruction, which will cost me and my friends’ lives.
Twilight Sparkle, Princess of Friendship, and eventually, she’ll end up giving into one of her friend’s suggestions and end up as a cashier in some thrift store or something. Probably for advertisement, and seriously , no one’s gonna ignore the fact that their princess works in a local market daily. Those idiots would probably bring Ziplocks to collect royal sweat, if that’s what it takes to get a few bucks...Ponies buy anything these days...
Anywho, Twilight was having a fairly wonderful day. She’d woken up to a stack of pancakes and not a cloud in the sky, prior to the weather patrol who’d somehow ended up on her roof after a windstorm one morning. Right now, she had one thing on her mind; read and relaxation.
Of course, as every story goes, there is, alas, a villain, here to ruin plans.
Rainbow Dash bounded down the stairs, her rainbow tail flicking behind her as she soon reached the bottom. She had this huge grin on her face that many citizens of Ponyville would run away from as soon as possible, fearing what next evil plot was brewing her head.
“Hey, Twilight!” Rainbow Dash told her cheerfully. The mare stayed at eye level with the book. The Pegasus dramatically sighed. “Oh, what ever shall I do?” She looked up towards the cobwebbed ceiling. “If only I had somepony to assist me with my evil plot,” See, told you.
Rainbow Dash paused and glanced at the still silent alicorn. A tense silence took over, broken by the sound of her flipping the page. “Are you even listening ?” Twilight raised an eyebrow. Not like she had one though. Rainbow groaned. “I am plotting the end of society ? Hello ? Grasp your attention somehow?” At this, she stared at her friend wide-eyed.
“You WHAT?” Dash rubbed her hooves together menacingly, knowing she’d gotten through the mare, or in other words, phase 1 . A creepy grin found way onto her face. “That means you’ll help? Great! Now…” the villain retrieved a map from under a crack in the wall, crumbled and stained from old age, along with a couple cherry soda cans, as if she planned everything right down to the punctuation marks.
Unfurling the old thing, it was revealed to be a map of Equestria. With a Hasbro logo on the bottom right corner. “…here’s where we attack-“
“Woah, woah, woah, wait a second- Is our- I-I mean, your plot taking place in the Changeling Hive? ” Twilight shakily asked, with wide eyes. [If she keeps this up, her eyes will probably fall out of her skull.] Noticing this, Rainbow smiled wider. That was enough of an answer for Twilight. Before she could turn tail and run from her life, she squinted her eyes at the Pegasus. “And where, exactly , are you going to get bungee rope and.... synthetic mustache hair? A-and do you even have a plan?” Twilight breathed out.
Rainbow Dash tapped her chin thoughtfully. “Well…. In a word, yes… well, do you have a plan? Yes. Me? No, unless you count my health plan or something. And as for the supplies... I'm committing 'break and enter' into Mr. Zorgenelschecerdensteinphermcbergodorff. But as you can see, I can’t do this alone.” She said this with as much seriousness as she could muster. Twilight shook her head worryingly.
"Poor Mr. Zorgenelschecerdensteinphermcbergodorff..."
Twilight almost had fallen right into her trap. Her dirty , little trap. But she was unfortunately smarter than that, depending on whose view we’re talking about.
“So, will you do it?” Rainbow Dash asked innocently, practically glowing like a peaceful little angel. “Eh……” Twilight struggled. Look past that halo, Twilight. She’s nothing but a little demon under all that fur. She looked over to Dash, sitting by her hooves, whimpering in hopefulness. And those eyes. Oh gosh, those sparkling eyes….
“Uh, hey Dash?”
“Yeah?”
“You’re a real anthole , you know that?”
“I get that a lot.”
Dash tilted her head and planted her flank into the solid floor. “So… is that a yes?”
Twilight buried her face into her book and sobbed, as she’d had just about enough for one morning. “It’s only ten o’ clock.” She cried, Dash giving her an odd stare. “And you already turned my day into Tartaurus .” Dash pat her on the shoulder gently. “It’s okay, I won’t ruin anything. That is, unless you give up now, and save yourself from stress, but hey,” She put her hooves up offensively. “That’s just me .”
Twilight breathed in slowly. “…no.” she grunted between gritted teeth. If there really was a halo above her cyan friend’s head, it would have given into gravity and burst into shattered pieces all around Dash. Her ears drooped as she got up to all fours and sighed.
“Oh, oh well… I guess I’ll just have to ask somepony else… ” she turned her back and proceeded out of the door, waiting for phase 2 to take place. Suddenly, images of Fluttershy and Pinkie leading a changeling army, with Dash leading the troop, came to her head. She did what anyone would do if her friends would be accomplices to a crime they had no intend in knowing what the heck they had gotten into.
And neither did Twilight.
As if Rainbow Dash could read minds. She turned towards Twilight and raised her head. “So…. Have I won yet? Or am I gonna have to convince an innocent ‘somepony else’ with death threats?” Twilight shook her head briskly. Rainbow turned her back again, and grinned evilly. “Perfect…” Twilight placed her hooves above her head and released the book from her magical grip.
“So… what exactly are you doing with the Changeling army, bungee rope, mustache hair, and a map?” She asked carefully. Rainbow took place on a nearby chair, and folded her arms. “Well, genius, I’m bringing the changeling army to Ponyville, you know, to get their mojo back, by,” She crushed the soda can in her hooves, which sizzled and spurted out its liquid.
“Destruction.” Twilight leapt off her seat. “Oh, no you don’t! No way!” she swiped her hooves in a straight, swift line. “Do you know what that could do to Equestria’s social well-being?” Rainbow smiled innocently. “I could care less- like, a lot, but, shoot .” She folded her hooves back.
“Well… you see, after you get caught in the act, first comes jury, then comes the decision, which you obviously have no chance in finding another loophole through this one,” Dash pouted at this, “…you get thrown behind bars, then…. you and you’re hecking weirdness when it comes to ‘getting out of things’ will cause disruption within the government, confusion, and then poof! We fall out as a community and then…” she took a sip of her own soda can and stared uninterestedly at the ceiling. “….then ponies start randomly killing themselves and apparently, at that point, it’s not being a little shiz anymore. It’s being civilized.” Another sip. “Then before you know it, everyone’s dead and this place’ll look like Fallout 4.” Dash brightened up at this, tossing that crushed up, murdered can across the room to who-knows-where.
“Even better than I’d expected! So, you gonna still help?”
“No.”
“When we have everyone dead, I’ll honor you with the responsibility of Flash Century’s death.”
“Sign me up.”
Canterlot Castle
Princess Celestia, for one, was having a fairly good day. She woke up to a thickly frosted cake, and the day was quite peaceful. Luna was out, and she had the room all to herself, where she now sat by the window, munching on a piece of cake.
Suddenly, her wonderful afternoon was interrupted, as a loud thundering sound erupted from the streets, where crowds of ponies were fleeing, followed by a black gaseous cloud. The eldest princess squinted through the glass, to see a large army of ‘reformed’ changelings charging through Canterlot. What scared her though, wasn’t the fact that some green changeling swallowed someone’s child whole, no. Though any sane person would actually take that into some consideration...?
It was that Rainbow Dash was being carried on a throne by a pair of Changeling guards, laughing haughtily. And behind her was Twilight, covering her face with one of her hooves regretfully.
A trio of unicorn guards burst through the doors. The bowed before the princess who’d looked slightly shaken. “Princess,” one panted in exhaustedly. “One of the guards, F-flash Century…. He’s been… kidnapped by the changelings….” They took off their helmets and lowered their heads in unison. “Shall we sentence their master to death?” another one piped up.
Celestia turned to face the window again, as Dash sat pridefully on her throne, a small smile creeping up on Twilight’s face as an orange Pegasus guard was presented to them. Eh, someone has to keep my sky clean. As for Twilight… Twilight was wailing hysterically now, like a maniac. Well, someone has to take throne when I retire…. Celestia waved a hoof nonchalantly.
“Silver Serenade,” the white unicorn guard looked up to the ruler's strictly serious expression.
“Get the bug spray .”
50 Things I'm Not Allowed to do in Equestria
"Oh shiz, Dash." Twilight cursed under her breath. Just a couple hours ago, the pair had rampaged through Ponyville, and now, Canterlot was being converted to a pile of rubble. Bloody rubble.
Not like anypony died, though, but sure a few fillies had been mentally scarred for life, yes, and certainly more that a few. Even Blueblood was cowering under the safety of a torn down vegetable cart on the street side.
Major destruction? Check. And check that twice. Rainbow mentally pat herself on the shoulder, and stared over the land beneath her, her work of art. A true masterpiece.
"I think we're about done here, that's enough destruction for one day," she grinned. Twilight blinked.
"One day?"
"Slaves! Take us home!" Rainbow cheered, as the changeling guards took off, with Twilight reluctantly following behind.
Ponyville
Twilight rubbed her temples. "Dash, you've officially killed me. Both mentally and physically." She sighed, while Dash groaned and threw herself into the chair.
"Seriously ? You're still alive, right? Therefore, I've not pushed you to your limits yet," Rainbow Dash stated matter-of-factly, with a puff of her chest and the signature arm cross.
Twilight levitated a comic book off the counter, with some unicorn witch on the cover, and a really ticked-off Manticore. She flipped to a page noisily and rested her face on her hoof.suffer you're existence for all eternity?" The pegasus huffed.
"Well, I-"
"No. Save it-- please, it's only 3:37, and I need my R&R, please ?" she was on the verge of tears again. Unfortunately, this kind of detail can swiftly pass the simple mind of this villian. Oh, what a disadvantage this is.
Dash rolled her eyes. Was she really going to give into some measly egghead ? Well, it had to happen eventually.
"Fiiine," Dash whined, laying her head back into the cushions. "But tomorrow, no mercy ." Twilight simply yawned at this, putting Dash on the offensive.
Rainbow leapt off the couch and hovered over it warningly. " I'll be back, Sparkle..." She bitterly spat out that last part like dirt. "... And YOU WILL EVENTUALLY PAY-"
"Ok, see you after dinner."
Dash breathed in, and hung her head defeatedly, still hovering the couch. She slowly took off for the front door.
"Oh, OK. See you,"
50 Things I'm Not Allowed to do in Equestria
Rule #3
Rule #3: I will NEVER tell or follow along with rumors about my friends because it will start a fricking riot.
"...So then Rainbow Dash told Twilight that Rarity said that AppleJack told her that really ..." Pinkie scooted closer, her hooves pressed on her cheeks. "AppleJack really got her accent from old westerns she saw in the city..." Pinkie exaggeratively gasped, which followed by Fluttershy covering her mouth.
"No no no-- don't tell anypony that! AppleJack might be embarassed if she knew so many if us knew, and I just couldn't live that down!" she whisper-yelled in the pink pony's ear. Pinkie flinched back a bit.
"Okay, okay! I won't probably not won't not tell!" Suddenly, the door knob turned and clicked. In shock, Pinkie fell off her crouched pose on the bed, and tumbled on to Fluttershy. With a loud and raspy yelp, the door swung open.
"Eh... Anypony in here?" Applejack called, walking through the room, spotting a pink tail peeking behind the bed next to the wall. She stopped abruptly, after checking behind the bed, an image she'd never be able to unsee.
Pinkie Pie was laying on top of Fluttershy, staring wide-eyed at the newcomer of the room, still in their awkward position. Her tail was tucked underneath, quivering slightly. Applejack made an unreadable noise.
She backward-walked out the bedroom, her leave confirmed with the slam of the wooden door. Fluttershy gently shoved Pinkie off her stomach.
'Uh... Nooo... Hey, I-I gotta go.... Do.... Eh, get... Something !" She chirped, then zipped out of the door. Fluttershy sighed relieved and drew a hoof through her long pink mane, anxiously. And then she snapped out of her relaxed state in a milisecond.
*************************************
"Ah dunno Rarity," she sipped her mug of warm cider. "Everypony's jus' suddenly actin'...." She struggled to find the right words as she leaned back in her chair, with a loud creak.
Rarity had put down her steaming cup of tea, and stared at her friend quizzically. Seeming that the earthpony was troubled, she's decided to sit down and have a talk with her. This was, with all honesty, geting her nowhere.
".....Weird aroun' me.... Was.... was it something ah said? O-or did ?" The farm girl sighed, and shoved her mug across the table, clanking as it collided with a teapot. Rarity grimaced, silently praying it hadn't done any damage. Apple grunted.
"Ah mean, they suddenly.... nothin' even happened last night, right? We-- it was all fine! Ah jus' don't... don't get it!" She slammed her hooves on the table, which caused her own drink to topple over, and in a domino effect, the teapot as well, had shattered, presenting the tea to table. Rarity bit her lip, screaming internally.
"That's about enough, darling," Rarity said, firmly, yet calmed. The center of the tablecloth was now soaking with the scent of both cider and chamomile, much to the unicorn's disgust. She reached across the table and put her hooves over the other pair of orange colored hooves on the other end.
"Look at me, AppleJack," she said in a hushed tone. The mare half-heartedly returned her gaze. "We'll get through this. Together. And just remember, if anything goes wrong, you can come to me anytime."
Apple Jack groaned. She looked away for a second, noticing Rarity's mane tinted a light brown where her curls hung over the spill. She met her eyes once again.
"Fine. But don't think Ah'm some kinda pushover, cuz when you cross the borderline, sugarcube, ah wi-"
Rarity shushed her and put a hoof over her lips. Apple groaned louder, with many mixed emotions.
"Oh my gosh!" Twilight said between choked laughter, wiping a tear from her eye. "Did.... that really..... really..." Spike passed out from lack of oxygen during his laughing fit, and Rainbow toppled over him, laughing hysterically. Twilight had long dropped her book, and was now soaking the couch with her tears, sweat, and... other.... stuff.
"Who.... who..." Twilight breathed out, shielding her mouth, concerned she'd been spitting all over her 'reading chair'. "...told you t-that?" she finally was able to choke out. Spike finally came through, holding his head. Rainbow sat up, rubbing her eyes and flicking away a few tears.
"Apple...Apple Jack walked in on.... them..." she panted. "...r-real early this morning, too!"
"Who knew they were the kind to.... y'know..... do that!" Spike tried to hide the faint blush appearing rather quickly on his face. The other two immediately gasped, realizing the seriousness of the situation.
"Mares..." Rainbow Dash finished, emotionlessly. Her face had gone real pale in the short couple seconds, and the two belived she was bound to faint any minute. The alicorn inhaled slowly, then exhaled. She repeated this for several uncountable minutes, until she opened her eyes and met the two's weirded-out stares.
"We need to go talk to them... this... this is certainly.. NOT friendship! This is... this is...."
"Beyond friendship... Twilight's right! We... we need to get them to.... a... a psychologist or something!"
Rainbow rolled her eyes. "Pshh, they need like.... Celestia advice! This is so totally not psycho-worthy!"
Twilight almost fell off the couch. "And so totally not appropriate! We need somepony on a lower scale of authority!"
Spike folded his arms. " Like a psychologist!"
"NO!"
THAT AFTERNOON
Pinkie enthusiastically bounced alongside the yellow pegasus with overflowing enthusiasm.
"Pinkie, Please...." She quietly begged, after 37 minutes of non-stop excited chatter. "It's only 5 more minutes until we go, just.... Can you please, just..." Pinkie instantly shut up, and grinned widely.
She hadn't even heard past the first two words, but she practically did whatever it took to please Fluttershy so she would be allowed to tag along.
After a couple minutes, Fluttershy called out to the pink mare, captured into the TV screen, who soon followed her along downstairs to exit the castle. But of course... As the story goes, nothing is ever that simple.
Rainbow Dash leapt in their path, as if on cue, along with Twilight and Spike. Fluttershy was taken slightly aback. Before she could open her mouth, Twilight calmly took over.
Spike stepped in. "Don't worry, you'll have someone to understand you, yes it will be hard, but you two will learn to live a long and healthy life-"
"And-and... You don't need to do this, it's a very... Very bad thing...."
"-but we're here for you! If you ever deep like this is getting-"
"-but we still love you! Friendly....ly-"
"-we can hire a psychologist!"
The alicorn and rainbow Pegasus stared daggers at the young dragon, who made the signature motion of zipping his mouth and tossing out the key.
Fluttershy glared at the trio.
"SETTLE DOWN, SETTLE DOWN!" Fire Blaze announced throughout the firey streets, yelling over the glass-breaking wails of ponies here and there.
"Oh, no! I've been offended!" he said in a, frankly, high-pitched voice. "Whatever shall I do?" The was silence for a second, even the sound of the crrackling fire and crumbling archetecture seemed to cease. Of course, that never lasts for long.
"I KNOW," A stallion broke the akwards silence. "I THINK... WE SHOULD TIP SOMETHING OVER!" The angry mob cheered in reply, and headed for Town Hall. Fire exhaled, and shook his head.
"What even caused this anyway!?" he groaned, and headed for the most safe place possible: The castle. But the second he was in eyeshot of the safe haven, It was covered in flames, structure falling slowly apart. He fainted on the spot.
"Wait a second..." Twilight mumbled suspiciously. She stared out the castle window. Her roof was on fire again. Rainbow Dash and Pinkie walked behind her silently. "How- what did... what did you girls do?" Twilight asked with little concern.
"OH WOULD YA LOOK AT THE TIME," Rainbow pointed out, tapping her nonexistent watch. "I... Have a meeting very far from here!" And with that, she was gone.
Pinkie laughed hysterically, and quickly backed away from the alicorn, as a bomb went off in the first streets below. The holy sound of a face planting echoed the halls.
Celestia stared out the window. Apparently when chaos struck Canterlot, it obviously rooted from Ponyville, as usual. She sipped her tea. But things would eventually get better.
No, that wasn't right....
Ah, did I say better? By better, I mean worse.
