Dear Twilight,
I’ve never really written a letter like this before, but I thought I’d give this a try. I heard that your friends in Ponyville wrote things like this to Princess Celestia once upon a time. About what you have learned that day, and how it has changed you. I guess, with you being the Princess of Friendship, I should address this letter to you.
I’m not used to this.
A kind of confession, admitting to where I went wrong. I’m sorry if it comes out strange, or bizarre. Despite the name change, humble is something I’ve yet to really learn. But I’m trying, and others have told me that this is something that we do.
It’s been a while since we last saw one another, since I was taken down another peg. I tried my best to be the better mare, to be a better me, but I kept falling into same old habits. In the end, I am just a one trick pony.
I went on those tours to feel alive, to feel wanted and loved. To see the admiration in the eyes of the audience, it’s like nothing I could describe. It’s all I wanted, the same thing you have with your friends. Back then, I only got it from the shallow nights performing.
Then, nothing.
And it hurts, Twilight. I used to arrive in town and ponies would know me as a stage magician, as an entertainer. I was great and powerful, I felt it. Now, I’m the fraud. The fool, the silly girl with her pointless magic tricks. All these years of work, undone after one night. Can you imagine how that feels? To lose everything in one single day?
Maybe you do. Maybe you’ve lost everything before, and have come out stronger for it. Part of me hates you for that, to go through such horrible circumstances and come through stronger. Another admires you, your inner strength, your tenacity. That determination that brings so many ponies to you, and keeps them with you.
While my drive, my will pushes them away.
Back then, I could never forgive you. I became angry, bitter, desperate. I saw you as the sole thing wrong in my life, the cause of all my grief. I wanted to show you, more than anything. I rejected and was repulsed by you for what you did, even though I deserved it. I wanted to stand on high, higher than anything before. I wanted to achieve all my desires, and then all of yours as an afterthought. I wanted to shine brighter than any star in the night sky, brighter than any day before it.
And you would see me.
So when I heard rumours of something that could put me above you, I had to take that opportunity. I had to be better, better than you, better at not being me. Deep down, I knew I couldn’t beat you at magic, but I wanted it so bad. I wanted to beat you at your own game.
Celestia knows I regret that.
To stoop to such levels, to debase my own talents using something so foul. Turns out, hell does have a bottom. I had reached it. I had scraped the bottom of the barrel so much, that I dug into places I shouldn’t have. It’s said that the portal to hell is paved with good intentions, but mine were far from good.
I would have done anything to feel big again. To live up to my own expectations, and it took another humiliation to understand what I needed to do. It took you, using my own stage tricks to show me what I was doing wrong. To do the very thing I was trying to do, and turn it on myself.
It was an endless nightmare. I had never known shame like that. Not only had Twilight Sparkle beaten me once, but twice at my own game! It made things so much harder. The word was out. If I was a laughing stock before, I was lower than dirt now.
So I lied to myself. I told you and myself that I would redeem myself, do better than before. I went on that tour, trying to improve myself and show that I was changed. But the loneliness seeped in. Deep down, I was still that vapid, empty pony, selling admiration to anyone who’d watch me.
Then I came back to Ponyville, one more time. I wanted to show you that I was improving, that I was getting better. That I was different again. That I could win your admiration this time.
Instead, I strove for your jealousy. I had no idea that you would take on a student, so learning Starlight was like me made those old gears turn in my head. Turned me back to that pony you broke down. I tried to use her out of spite, out of a foolish notion of jealousy. To finally get on top, to beat you at your own game.
Friendship.
And that’s when it collapsed. That’s when it all fell into place, where the desire to be noticed and watched by so many others gave way to only wanting to be seen by her. You know that feeling, don’t you? Something so similar to that Summer Sun Celebration all those years ago. When you felt just so happy to be standing close to somepony else. To know that you can rely on them, through thick and thin.
That’s where the real magic is.
And after all that, you apologised to me. You came to me, and said sorry for doubting me. The Twilight, saying she was in the wrong to me. The old me is jumping for joy, knowing that I won in the end. Today’s me, she isn’t. Today’s me feels something very different, Twilight.
She has friends, and that matters so much more. She has ponies to look to and look after, ponies to trust and companions to spend her days with. Even when she doesn’t see eye to eye, she’s not afraid they’ll abandon her. She has everything she wanted, and so much she didn’t know she could have.
And while she may never say this to your face, because of her foolish pride, she is in forever in your debt.
So thank you.
Thank you.
