It was a calm night that found me standing out the front of a dingy little bar. Quite a stark contrast from the storm that was wildly raging only hours earlier. It is my understanding that this particular bar is the best in all of Loguetown, and was quite popular with pirates a number of years ago, until a certain execution of a certain influential pirate caused the Marines to more or less take over the place. It doesn’t help that the bar was named after that pirate; the Marines likely thought it would add insult to injury, though that typically only works when the one you’re insulting is still alive.
This night, however, the Gold Roger Bar was void of all Marines; the chaotic events of the day having sent them into a pirate hunting frenzy, scouring the docks and coasts for any sign of someone to take out their frustrations on. I have reliable information that says the actual cause of the frenzy, a ragtag group of rookie pirates, managed to give them the slip and are on their way to the Grand Line. Because of this, not a single Marine was in the area, allowing it to be used by a very loud group of party goers. Party goers that are part of the local mafia. Only a fool would interrupt their merriment for any reason.
With that in mind, I kicked open the saloon doors and introduced myself as obnoxiously as I could.
“Hello, reprobates and degenerates! The party has arrived!” I proceeded to do the Kazatsky and started yodelling at the top of my lungs. Now, one would expect that crashing a party in such a manner for anyone would cause you to receive a good amount of animosity, particularly with a crowd such as this.
I am pleased to say that the exact opposite occurred. They joined me, yodelling even worse than my deliberate mangled screeching and dancing in any strange way they could think of. One man even attempted to run up the wall and do a back-flip. Attempted, because he almost ran on top of a wanted poster before being tackled to the ground.
Soon enough, I found myself standing next to a man on top of a table, arms around each other’s shoulders and chopsticks stuck between our noses and mouths as we swayed to and fro, cheered on by the rest of the patrons. It wasn’t until ten minutes later when we were sharing mugs of grog at the bar that I realised that it was the man I was hoping to meet.
I quickly drained my mug and ordered two more from the strangely amused looking diminutive bartender.
I turned to my drinking buddy, who was barely even red in the face. He’s certainly no lightweight.
“Say, what did you say your name was again?”
He turned to look at me, a smile on his demonic looking face. “Oh, don’t you know? I’m Bartolomeo, leader of the mafia in Loguetown.”
The bartender set down two new mugs, one of which I raised slightly. “Well, it’s quite nice to meet you, Bartolomeo. Actually, it’s quite fortunate that I managed to find you here. I’ve been looking for you everywhere in order to ask something of you.”
He sat up straight, his face morphing into business mode in an instant. As expected of a crime lord. “Oh? It’s pretty strange to go looking for favours from a guy whose name you don’t know.”
“Well if I’m being honest, I decided to come to you before I learnt anything about you. I didn’t even know you were a mafia boss until just now.” A bald-face lie; my investigation turned up everything I could want to know about this man before I even came here. While a tad unsavoury, he has the potential to be interesting.
He narrowed his eyes a tad and crossed his arms. “And what exactly do you want with me?”
“Tell me, Barty, what is your opinion of pirates?”
He froze for a moment before turning away, sweating profusely. “P-pirates, huh? Well, they’re good business, when they aren’t cutting in on our turf. Why? Do I look like a guy who cares about what pirates do?”
“Hmm, no, not really. But perhaps, one pirate in particular? One with a straw hat?”
He stiffened once more, before forcing his body to relax, crossing the first two fingers on each of his hands in a way that most would see as nothing more than casual. I am not most. I didn’t know the specifics, but I knew he had some type of ability that relied on the gesture.
“And what exactly do you know about him?”
“Well, I know that his head is worth thirty million Belly, a pretty good sum for such a scrawny brat. Was wondering if you'd be interested in splitting it.”
Bartolomeo leapt to his feet and crossed his arms. “Barrier Ball!”
I suddenly found myself surrounded by a transparent sphere, nearly pushing my legs out from under me before I caught myself. I rapped my knuckles against the surface of the sphere and felt that it was immensely strong, to the point of having nearly no upper limit to its durability. Outside the sphere the rest of the bar had gone quiet, the rest of the party goers gathering behind Bartolomeo, ready to support their boss.
“How do you like that?! My Barrier-Barrier Fruit lets me create barriers that no one can get past! I won’t let some bastard bad mouth Luffy-senpai in front of me, especially not some shitty bounty hunter out for his head!”
I ignored his crass language, focused instead on the barrier around me, grinning like a loon. “Oh me oh my, this is interesting. Such a brash and violent person has such a defensive ability. That’s so…incongruous.” I crossed my arms and directed my attention to the sharp-toothed man behind the barrier. “I’ve decided. I want you to join my crew.”
This seemed to shock him, but not enough to lower his arms. “What? Why the hell would I want to join up with someone who wants to kill Luffy?!”
I raised my eyebrow. “Okay, two things. First of all, I noticed that you were all practically worshipping the kid’s bounty on that wall over there.” I pointed to the wall in question, still with an unconscious man underneath the poster. Poor Flippy. Their eyes all followed my finger involuntarily, blushing as they realised their lack of subtlety. “I was wondering why so many people in town were afraid of you, apart from being a crime lord, so I baited you into showing me your ability by insulting him. Very nice, by the way. It doesn’t fit you at all.”
He growled, showing off his sharp teeth and large fangs. “And the second thing?”
I shrugged and leaned up against the sphere. “Well, I thought you’d jump at the chance to become a pirate in order to meet your beloved Luffy-senpai, but I suppose I was wrong. I’ll have to look elsewhere for someone to join my crew.” I examined my fingernails, the very image of nonchalant.
“PIRATE?!" The entire gang yelled at once. That ball sure carried sound well. Bartolomeo looked around him and hissed. “Everyone huddle!” They all gathered around Barty, while making sure not to disrupt his barrier technique, and started muttering and whispering amongst themselves. After a few minutes, they all turned around. “Will we really get to meet Luffy if we go with you?” He asked to the empty ball.
“Well, of course you will. In fact, I guarantee it!” I said from next to Luffy’s bounty poster.
Bartolomeo’s head snapped towards me, eyes bugging out of his head, rapidly looking between his barrier sphere and my new location. “Huh?! What?! How?!”
I rubbed my chin, twirling my fingers through my goatee. “Though, there is one tiny little problem.”
He shook his head, my statement snapping him out of his impossibility induced stupor. “Wait what? What problem?”
“You see, I’m extending this invitation to you, Bartolomeo, and only you. If you come along, you come alone.”
I was slightly surprised to see him glare at me, even growl a little. “You bastard! You expect me to just abandon my gang to follow you to do who knows what?!”
He stepped forward, but was pulled back by one of the gang members, one with leopard spots covering his biceps. “Boss, it’s always been your dream to sail the seas. If you go with him, you can do that and meet Luffy too.”
Barty snorted derisively. “Gambia, do you really think this bastard is telling the truth? I bet if I go with him, the moment I drop my guard he’ll attack me. Besides, if I don’t go with you guys, then it’s not worth going at all.”
Gambia’s eyes started misting up. “Boss, I-“
He was interrupted by me blowing my nose rather loudly into a plaid handkerchief. They both turned and glared at me as I dabbed my eyes. “I-I’m s-sorry, this is just so b-beautiful, yet so sad!”
“Oh yeah? What’s so sad about it?”
I sniffled. “I d-didn’t mean to make you think you had a choice.” My snivelling face morphed into a wicked grin as I raised my hand. I saw the gang members all tense in shock and prepare for a fight, but it was over in an instant as I snapped my fingers, causing Bartolomeo and I to vanish in twin flashes of bright white light.
That exact same instant, several miles away, we reappeared with identical flashes of light. Unfortunately, I always forget how negatively people react to their first teleportation. He was panting heavily as cold sweat ran down his face like rain, leaning against the railing behind him with no thoughts in his head other than those ensuring him that he does, indeed, still exist. So selfishly focused on his own well-being as he was, he wasn't paying any attention to his surroundings, including me!
I immediately rectified this grievous injustice by popping up right in front of his face with a little "Boo!"
With a particularly high pitch squeal, he tried jumping back, only to hit the railing behind him and nearly go tumbling off the side. Once he found his feet again, he looked me straight in the eye with more than a little fear in his own. Geeze, you force a man to experience. His fear quickly turned into confusion after actually realising what he was seeing.
"Are...are you floating? Upside down?" I could see the gears in his head spinning as he tried to make sense of what his eyes were telling him.
I shrugged. "One of us is."
His face contorted in frustration for a moment before he stepped around me and promptly stopped in shock. "What the-?! When did we get on a ship?!"
We were indeed on a ship. A ship out in the middle of the ocean, in fact. Far away from Loguetown, the Marines, and all of his gang members. He was completely and utterly alone. Apart from me, floating on my side casually about three metres off the deck.
"So, when do we start singing songs and drinking cheap poorly made alcohol?"
His attention snapped to me, as did his temper, if the wild eyes and bulging veins were any indication. "You bastard! Who the hell are you?!"
My eyes widened in fake surprise and I swooned with my arm over my forehead. "Oh my goodness, I didn't introduce myself! How silly of me!" I appeared right in front of him with a flash, causing him to flinch back. I held my hand out to him. "I am Discord. I'm on vacation."
the previous day
Celestia sighed in relief as she sank into her very comfortable, very old dining chair. For all the stress and hardships that come with ruling a nation, she always felt that the smiles and happiness of anypony she had been able to help that day was more than worth any physical suffering she might go through. That being said, a comfortable chair during a delicious dinner at the end of the day went a long way to ensuring that she retained her calm and kind demeanour throughout her long life.
Her eyes widened as she caught the scent of her favourite dish, and as always, it took more effort than should have been necessary for a millennium old princess in order to refrain from grinning in excitement. It was dessert time, and her slice of freshly made cake was on its way. Ever since a particularly embarrassing incident where she was photographed stuffing her face full of cake by a trio of foals, she had cut back to only a single slice of cake a week, apart from special events.
Of course, keeping her caking (as it is called by her younger sister) to such a minimum had the inevitable effect of making her crave it even more than before. It's a good thing alicorns have such incredible metabolisms, otherwise she might have accidentally made ponies think the sun on her flank was the real thing.
None of this entered her mind, however, focused as she was on her impending treat. Luna always makes fun of her whenever she sees her act this way-which is why she is no longer allowed to dine together with Celestia on Wednesdays. Quite vindictive, for a supposed paragon of virtue.
Finally, after a thirty second wait that felt ten times the length to the cake addict we call Princess, a serving dish with a domed metal lid resting on top was placed in front of her. She got even more anxious, causing the butler to wisely move out of the room. They didn't often use these dining trays, but when they did it was because the chef was particularly proud of his creation, and it had never been misplaced. Those few times were regarded as some of her favourite dining experiences, ranking just below the night she joined Twilight and her friends at Donut Joe's after their first Grand Galloping Gala.
"Oh, I can't bare to wait any longer, you delicious little morsel, you." She cooed, sounding disgustingly sexual. With no one in sight, there was no longer any need to repress her inhibitions. With a quick burst of magic, she tore the lid off of the dish-
And revealed a single slice of chocolate cake, completely plain, if one discounted the image of my face made out of frosting decorated on top of the slice.
"Why, Celestia, I had no idea you felt that way about me. If I knew this all those years ago, I might have given up on chaos to elope with you." I said, as the frosting picture, and fluttered exaggeratedly long eyelashes at her.
For a long moment she just sat there and stared at me with a far off look in her eyes that made me worried that I had actually managed to break her. It's the look a mare has when she knows she's the only living thing on the planet and yet hears a knock at her door. Suddenly, so quickly that I almost didn't have time to dodge, a fork came down and took off a chunk of cake.
"What the fnord, Celestia?! You just tried to stab me!" Now, I know what you're thinking, 'But Discord, would being stabbed even hurt you?' and the answer is no, unless the Tree of Harmony made a Sword or Toothpick of Harmony while I wasn't looking. You must remember, I don't like to think about any situation too deeply. My first instinct is to act dramatically rather than rationally. I mean, what's the alternative, acting nonchalant like nothing affects me? How boring.
Celestia calmly brought the cake chunk to her mouth and quickly devoured it, all without changing that creepy look on her face. "Discord, you severely underestimated just how badly I want to eat this cake if you think I'm going to let something like this stop me."
I grumbled and flashed out of the cake and into the air, no longer made of frosting just in case Celestia felt the compulsion to eat me still.
"You're just like one of those evil goblins in those old ponytails, dear Celestia. If you eat much more cake, you'll have to coronate a new princess just to give her the duty of raising you out of bed in the morning."
She paid no attention to my sick burn, as she was busy stuffing her cake down her gullet as if afraid I'd do something to it. Which I was definitely going to do, but the presumption on her part is insulting. After the frankly gruesome sight was finally over, Celestia wiped her lips with a napkin before glancing at me, with that look on her face that you just know is supposed to convey 'You don't deserve my attention.'
It annoyed me something fierce, so I raised my talon and held two claws together threateningly. "Alright Celestia, this was cute for a second, but seeing as we are supposed to be friends, I feel that I should warn you to stop acting so unfriendly towards me before I retaliate in kind. You don't want another prank war on your hooves."
She closed her eyes and inhaled sharply. "So many maids quit that day. So many resignation papers lost, like powdered sugar in the snow." She cracked an eye open and gave a small giggle. Seeing that I hadn't inadvertently caused her to go all Daybreaker on me, I relaxed and leaned back against the air.
"So right now is when I'd normally do the boring normal thing and ask how your day has been, but I know that Cake days are always good days for you. Besides, it can't possibly compare to my day." I rested my feet against the table, delighting in the slight grimace she gave when I wiggled my toes.
She sighed softly, though not without a small smile. "Discord, how was your day?" See folks? The secret to getting others to take a hint is to be as unsubtle as you can, but without just blatantly saying what you want. Can't seem too eager, after all.
I flipped around and laid down on top of Celestia's dining table, which, yes, was more than long enough to hold me entirely. Gaudy mare, nopony needs a table that large for a single pony. I crossed my arms and looked at her upside down, my head where her plate used to be. "Well, my day actually was very boring, to be quite frank with you." She raised an eyebrow at me as I snuggled up in my sausage shaped sleeping bag.
"I find it quite hard to believe that you, of all creatures, could have trouble finding something to entertain yourself with."
I rolled my eyes. "Oh please, you know better than anyone how simultaneously fickle and stubborn I can be. Besides, you know that my favourite past-time is messing with your little ponies. Which I still do, though to a lesser extent than I used to. The problem is that ever since I nobly and heroically saved you and therefore all of Equestria from the clutches of the evil Queen Bug-Breath, every single pony that I play a prank on or cause some mischief for has the same reaction. They enjoy it."
She tilted her head, not a single strand of hair falling from the bun on her head, giving Discord a rather nice view of her bespectacled eyes and crisp three-piece suit from his therapy couch. "Sorry, I don't understand. You're upset that ponies enjoy your antics? Do you enjoy causing them to be miserable instead?"
I 'hmm'd as I stroked my beard. "Kinda? I mean, I don't particularly want ponies to be upset, but I certainly enjoy the chaos that those emotions cause." I shook my head. "No, my real problem with everypony enjoying what I do is just that; everypony seems to enjoy it. They look at me like I'm a goofy clown rather than the personification of Chaos and Disharmony that I am. Which is fine, I suppose, the praise certainly feels nicer than the scorn and hatred, but it lacks variety. The best part of being bad was always the reactions, because they were always different. But now that I'm 'safe' they feel content to just ignore me if I'm not pranking them. It just gets boring being around them for any amount of time."
"Well, what about Fluttershy? I know that you always enjoy her company, despite her lack of variety."
"Ah!" I spun around, lying on my stomach with my hands propping up my head, and the table on my back. "That is exactly the next point I was going to make. You see, I always enjoy hanging out with Fluttershy and Twilight and that entire lot. Everything I do and say is bound to have a number of different reactions, ranging from the aforementioned enjoyment, to annoyance, to downright anger or disgust. I suppose that's part of having personal history with people. You can allow yourself to lower your guard and be a bit rude with someone you know."
Celestia beamed at me. "Exactly. That's exactly it, Discord. When you become close enough friends with somepony, you find yourself able to share your true feelings without fear of truly angering one another. You might have arguments, and you may even insult one another, but nothing can really break you apart."
I smirked and held up a glowing yellow claw. "Apart from me, you mean."
She rolled her eyes, but smiled at me. It was the type of warm smile a grandmother might give a child for making her proud. It was immensely condescending, and I doubt she even knows it. "The problem," I gesticulated wildly, breaking her out of her daze. "Is that Fluttershy and the rest are all on vacation, as you well know, and I can't simply pop in on them. Okay, so I could, but I know for a fact that Fluttershy went on this vacation to relax, and of all my numerous wonderful attributes, relaxing is not one of them."
She chuckled and shook her head. "Indeed not. So, if you couldn't go see Fluttershy, you decided to come spend time with me?"
"Well, no, not really. Don't get me wrong, this has been fun, but honestly I came to tell you the decision that I made. And to mess with you a bit, but that's a given."
"Oh? What decision is this?"
I ginned and stood up on the table, taking a heroic stance. "I have decided that we shall go on vacation as well!"
Rather than refusing instantly, as she often does when I suggest something. she just smiled at me and nodded. "That sounds like a wonderful idea, Discord. Do you have anywhere specific in mind, or do you plan on just gate crashing every party in Equestria again?"
I scowled and pointed a claw at her. "I'll have you know that was the fastest way to locate Pinkie Pie, which you asked me to do, if you recall, in order to throw your sister that cliched surprise birthday party." Feeling that I had lost the upper-hand, I buried my irritation and schooled my features into the smirk that I know always sets off her internal 'Discord is up to something' alarms. "Besides, I never said our little getaway would take place in Equestria, now did I?"
That caused her to frown slightly. "Discord, I appreciate the gesture, but with Twilight and her friends on their own vacation, I can't take the risk of being far away from Canterlot for any period of time. We are still recovering from the Storm King's attack, though thanks to Twilight and her friends the damage is mostly economical and political rather than physical."
I scratch my head in embarrassment. "Yes, I'm so sorry I couldn't help with that. I tend to lose track of time when I redecorate Chaosville. I couldn't believe what i had missed in just a few days. I even heard...that you and Luna were turned into obsidian statues..." I looked her in the eye, truly concerned for her. "Are you alright, after that?"
I could tell that my genuine concern shocked her, judging by the way her eyes widened. The jerk. "It wasn't just us, Cadance and a pegasus mare from Ponyville were also turned into obsidian. I'm not sure about her, but the three of us didn't even realise that any time had passed once we were freed, so there's no need to worry about us, Discord." She said this all with a kind loving smile that practically begged me to be belligerent.
I scoffed. "Typical. The ponies responsible for turning me into a statue for a thousand years finally get their just desserts, and they weren't even conscious to experience the terror of the situation. There is no justice in this world." Saying that managed to help me find the train of thought that had fallen off of a cliff, bringing a grin to my face.
"Hey, speaking of worlds, what if I were to tell you that this vacation of ours would allow you to truly relax? Let you take off that weighty crown of yours and act as something other than a princess for once?" I quickly slithered through the air around her, kneading my hands into her withers. "Why, you're absolutely tense! When was the last time you were able to just lay back and sleep in?"
She leaned away from my expert massage, the ingrate, and glared at me lightly. "Discord, I've never been able to sleep in, even when I took vacations in the past. Raising and lowering the sun is an important duty that I only ever give up in the most dire of situations. Even when you ruled Equestria for half a millennium and stole the sun away from me, I still got up at precisely the right time needed to raise it."
I raised an eyebrow. "Seriously? Yeesh, you're way more wound up than I thought. Besides, where we're going, you won't even need to worry about raising the sun; the planet revolves around it in such a way that the sunrise comes on its own every twenty four hours."
Her eyes widened and her pupils dilated, suddenly understanding exactly what I've bee failing to say. "You wish to take me on a vacation to another world entirely?! That is out of the question!"
I crossed my arms and huffed. "Oh come now, what's the big deal? If I'm remembering your diaries correctly, you loved exploring other worlds with ol' Starbeard the Swirly."
She was outright glaring at me now. "That was when I was young, and the duty of raising the sun had yet to fully fall to me! Luna could take over raising the sun for a time, but her dream-walking duties exhaust her enough as it is without adding on all of my own duties."
I smirked cheekily. "Oh, don't worry so much, Princess. Little Lulu will be more than capable of ruling on her own for a few days while we're here. If you just let yourself relax, you might find that you're actually capable of enjoying something other than baked goods." I crossed my arms haughtily and turned my nose up at her. "Unless you think you're too high and mighty to have some fun every now and then."
Her glare intensified to the point that I swore fire was about to spill out of her eyes. She sneered at me and made to respond, most likely about to descend into petty insults, but she stopped short in realisation. Her glare narrowed and she grit her teeth. "What do you mean 'while we're here'?"
My eyes widened and I stopped moving, frozen by her icy glare. Shaking the frost out of my beard, I stated twiddling my thumbs. "Wh-whatever do you mean, my dear, sweet friend? You must have simply misheard me."
"Discord..." she growled-actually growled at me, like some kind of mare bear pig thing! It was very impressive. And frightening, considering that her normally ethereal rainbow mane was turning into an ethereal fire mane. Yes yes, I know, I beat both her and her sister when they both had much more reason to hate me than this, and I couldn't actually be damaged by anything she could throw at me. So why was I frightened? I explained that earlier. Pay attention, you dolt.
"Did I ever mention that you were always my favourite princess?" I said, in a painfully obvious attempt to either calm her down or anger her more. Not even I know which I was trying to do. Celestia sharply got up, pushing her chair out in the process-"No wait!"
-and knocked against what seemed to her to be an invisible wall. I winced as she turned around, just in time to watch the wall fall down, revealing that it was not an invisible wall, but rather a fully visible wall, made to look like part of Celestia's dining hall. An instant later, three more walls and a ceiling fell to the ground, creating the shape of a cube net. We were not, in fact, in Celestia's castle. We were on a small deserted island in the middle of the ocean. The only thing that was actually here was her chair.
When Celestia tuned back to me, it was with that same unfeeling expression that she had worn earlier. "How long?"
I chuckled, no longer frightened. While I was hoping to reveal my surprise with my usual grand flourish, I found that I didn't particularly mind these results. It's not often you manage to send a princess so deep into rage that it circles back into calm. "Right after you finished your cake."
Instead of instantly snapping and attacking me like I expected, she managed to reign herself in, and merely sat down in her chair and closed her eyes, breathing deeply and evenly. What neither of us expected, however was the loud crack that followed. The look in her eyes was that of a child first coming to realise the horrors of mortality. It seemed to be in slow motion as her comfortable dining chair, a relic that she had managed to keep since before the founding of Equestria, no longer with any ambient magic to power its preservation spell, started to buckle beneath her weight and its own age.
It was with an ear piercing *SNAP* that signalled its death, as it broke clean in half, leaving Celestia to lie among the shards of wood and cushioning as she stared up at the sky, void of any emotion or thought. I entered her line of sight.
"Hmm, perhaps you shouldn't have had that last slice of cake, eh Celly?"
In hindsight, I realise that would be a rather silly thing to say to a mare no matter the situation. She turned the bottomless pits of malice that used to be her eyes to my own, and I started to back away.
What followed is not a story you should tell children you aren't attempting to traumatise.
Author's Note
Alright, after about a month and a half of thinking about it, and about two weeks of writing sessions of various length, I finally managed to get the first chapter down, and turn it into something I am somewhat okay with other people reading. I hope you like it, and if you don't then that's fine. Just make sure to leave a comment with constructive criticism. Oh, and if you see any grammer errors, be sure to nazi it up on my ass. God knows I do it enough to others to deserve it. Now on to write the next chapter, which will hopefully come out sometime this ~~year~~ month. Toodles!
