Chapters It's not like I want to be your friend or anything, weirdo!
Chapter 1 - Third time's the charm!
Throughout Equestria, it was generally understood that while a cutie mark played a large role in a pony’s career (or destiny , if one would use such a term), that did not preclude them from having other skills. The solar guard, for instance, had a myriad of cutie marks from architecture to zamboni maintenance; a pony with a construction cutie mark was currently a movie star; and perhaps, Twilight thought, that meant a pony with a magical cutiemark could be Equestria’s Most Talented Whiner.
“But SPAAAAA-Haaaaarkle, The GRRRREAT and POWERFUL TRRRRIXIE is *already* Starlight Glimmer’s friend! She doesn’t need another!” Trixie whined, in a tone that nearly caused Twilight’s ears to detach from her skull and teleport away to safety.
“Now Trixie,” Twilight began as diplomatically as she could, “Starlight is a student of friendship, and there’s certainly nothing wrong with making as many friends as possible.” She continued, her pained smile transforming into a more genuine look of enthusiasm as she gathered steam. “You’re travelling most of the time, and it would be good for her to have someone in town she can be friends with, so she’s never more than a short walk away from friendship! Plus, just imagine, she has the chance to be the first one to make friends with an entirely new species!” Twilight was no longer talking to Trixie, and had almost forgotten she was in the same room as her head swam with dreams of receiving awards such as ‘Honorary Doctorate of Friendtology’ and ‘Best Princess That Teaches Other Ponies About the Magic of Friendship’.
“That’s the problem!” Trixie exclaimed, her grandmaster-level whinging dragging Twilight back to the present. “Why does she have to make friends with the monster? It has those beady little eyes and the wiggly bits all over! Why can’t Starlight at least make friends with something normal, like a pony! Or a manticore.”
“Trixie!” Twilight admonished, “Gregory isn’t a monster, he’s a hugh-mane.” The Princess corrected. “Since he appeared from *my* magic table, he’s *my* responsibility. I *will* teach him the magic of friendship!” Twilight gestured to herself with both a hoof and a wing, as if to emphasize the enormity of her responsibility. “Plus, this means I can publish as many papers as I want! The academy can’t stop me now that I’m a princess!” She cried with glee, as she devolved into a fit of manic giggling. Trixie, seeing that she was beaten in a competition of neuroses, made a tactical retreat before the princess decided to somehow rope her into her ‘research project’.
Finding her way back to Starlight’s room, Trixie entered to find Starlight looking over the letter that had caused Trixie’s outburst. “Ah, Starlight. Trixie sees you are still frozen in disbelief over this grand injustice.” Trixie cantered pompously into the room, flicking her mane back out of her eyes.
“No it’s just I -” Starlight paused, her eyes snapping up to Trixie from the letter held in her teal aura. “- hey, could you at least knock before you enter my room?” She chided, half jokingly.
“Oh Starlight,” Trixie patted her best friend on the head before continuing to Starlight’s bed and leaping upon it, luxuriating in the soft sheets of a royal guest suite. “As Trixie is your best friend, what’s yours is Trixie’s as well. And I’m not very well going to knock before entering my *own* room!” She scoffed, using her magic to fluff up a pillow before falling back onto it.
“Right, how silly of me to forget.” Starlight droned, her expression and tone aimed towards irritation, but in a losing battle to amusement. The longer she was friends with the prideful mare, the harder it was to get mad at her...eccentricities . Taking a breath, she continued “I was just trying to see if maybe there was some kind of, I don’t know, hidden message or test? Normally Twilight’s lessons are a lot more technical than just ‘make a friend.’ I can’t help but feel like I’m waiting for the other hoof to drop.” She flipped and spun the simple letter in her magic, hoping to glean some kind of hidden wisdom.
From her down-filled throne, Trixie chimed in “Well, read it to Trixie once more. Perhaps with her GREAT and POWERFUL brain, she will derive the letter’s secrets.” Rolling her eyes, Starlight cleared her throat and began.
Dear Starlight,
In my time as your teacher, I’ve come to realize that I too, still have a great deal to learn about friendship. At times I gave you too little guidance; simply giving you reference material and hoping you’d catch up to me was unfair - as much as it pains me to say so, you can’t learn friendship from a book! Other times I gave you too much - not trusting you and trying to make the decision *for* you to not be Trixie’s friend -” Trixie let loose a very audible ‘Hmph!’ at this “-showed a lack of trust that wasn’t what a true friend would have done. That’s why I want you to become friends with Gregory. You’ve learned so much about friendship in such a small time; it should be you who teaches our new guest to Equestria about the Magic of Friendship. ™
Your friend and mentor,
Twilight Sparkle
P.S. NO MAGIC.
P.P.S. I MEAN IT.
Starlight lowered the letter back to her desk, her horn’s aura evaporating as she released her hold on the paper. “I mean, it *seems* pretty straightforward, but me? Friendship…” she twirled her forehoof in the air, looking for an appropriate term “...ambassador to a heretofore unseen species?”
“Pshaw, I say!” Trixie said, “As you have already proven yourself to have GRRREAT and POWERFUL taste in friends, any bizarre, hairless, wiggly-in-the-wrong-places creature would be blessed to even be considered your friend!” Starlight considered asking if there was a right place to be wiggly, but didn’t have the opportunity. “It’s all a moot point,” the blue pony continued, “as you already have all the friends you need!”
“Nonsense!” Trixie exclaimed, sitting up in bed. “If he needs a friend so badly, Princess Sparkle can sic her friendship cultists on him. Trixie already shares you with the rock pony, how many more friends could she possibly be expected to share you with?” Trixie adopted a great and powerful pout, using all the might of her adorability to aid her case.
“Trixie, if I’ve learned anything about friendship, it’s that making a new friend doesn’t lessen your existing friendships. If anything, it gives you the chance to build them.” Closing the distance to the bed, she placed a hoof comfortingly on one of Trixie’s. “You’re still just as much my best friend as before I met Maud, and that will still be no matter what happens on this assignment. I promise.”
Trixie sniffed, caught half between fishing for sympathy and genuine emotion. “V-very well, Trixie supposes you have her permission to be this hugh-mane’s...pity friend.” She fell back onto her pillow, a soft ‘pomf’ accompanying her landing. “So go! Go for the good of Equestria! Trixie will take care of...things here.”
Starlight smirked, turning towards the door. “Oh thank you for your Great and Powerful permission, wise one!” she giggled, as her azure friend was already halfway to dreamland, the inescapable comfort of the bed hurrying her to sleep. “I’ll try not to cause some sort of...interdimensional friendship incident, or something!” She laughed at the absurdity of such a notion, leaving her room and heading down the hall to her hopefully new friend’s room. Who knows, maybe this would be easy and she could knock it out by lunch?
“Pink interloper.” A stern voice emanated from the darkness.
“Yes, Greggy-weggy?” A remarkably non-stern voice answered. Pinkie sat on a simple stool, her hind legs kicking idly as she balanced with her forehooves, her face lit by a single desk lamp. “Are we playing detective? Because this one time I was playing it with Spike, except I was the mean question asker, and he got sad, and I got sad, and I dunno if I want to play that game again.” She blurted, the cheeriness in her voice notably draining as the sentence progressed.
~~Greggy-weggy~~ Gregory hesitated, turning off the spot-lamp and returning the room to being pleasantly lit by the afternoon sun through the large crystal windows. “N-no, no mean questions, I promise.” Without the dramatic lighting, Pinkie could clearly make out Greg's features: a sandy blonde mop of hair lightly obscuring his concerned face.
“Okie dokie lokie!” Pinkie cheered, her idle leg kicking ramping up to cause the stool to wobble back and forth in a semi-controlled manner.
Gregory continued “My door is, and has been all day, locked, correct?”
“Yupperooni!” Pinkie replied, much more interested in how wide a wobble she could achieve than the line of questioning.
Unperturbed, the man attempted to make headway despite Pinkie’s antics. “And I distinctly recall seeing you out last night, after you stopped by to deliver a a cupcake for me. Thanks, by the way."
Pinkie pumped her forehoof in the air, causing her position on the stool to migrate from 'precarious' to 'physics-defying'. "Yeah huh! It was a 'Congratulations on being in town for a whole week without being dissected by Twilight-versary' cupcake! Since you're an alien, and she's the closest thing we have to a mad scientist, I thought that was gonna happen for sure!"
The wholeheartedly earnest expression on Pinkie's face gave Greg pause. "That uh...that was a possibility?"
Pinkie merely shrugged and continued to taunt gravity with her stool acrobatics. "I dunno, maybe? I like to have my cupcake bases covered."
Before Greg's mind could catch up to it's latest pink pony shaped speedbump, there was a firm knock on the door. "Gregory, are you in there?" A muffled Starlight could be heard through the heavy wooden door.
"Oooh! Another visitor!" Pinkie cheered, rocketing towards the door at the speed of a being entirely fueled by sugar. The stool, now entirely forgotten, finally fell to the ground with a sad thonk.
"Pinkie wai-" Greg cried out, but before he could finish, the door was flung open, revealing a shocked Starlight Glimmer paused mid-knock, her hoof now hanging in the air awkwardly. Baby-blue eyes met amethyst, and Starlight's brain attempted a manual restart.
"P-Puh-Pinkie!? What are you doing here!?" she demanded, her voice rising in pitch and intensity as the sentence progressed.
"I'm his friend, silly billy!" Pinkie countered, her eyes sparkling with joy. "Why else would we be here? We were just playing a fun game of detective, and I was all like 'I don't wanna play detective' and Greggy was all like 'okay we don't have to play detective' and I was like 'oooh, I wonder how far I can make my stool tip over' and Greggy was all like 'how did you get into my house' and then you knocked on the door and were all like 'Grr argh Pinkie why are you here' and then I talked to you!" She finished her rant, her forelegs posed menacingly as she pantomimed being a stern Starlight.
Starlight found herself at a loss. Pinkie Pie was already friends with Gregory! If Pinkie Pie was friends with him, then Starlight couldn't be the one to teach him about The Magic of Friendship!™ And if she couldn't teach him, then she'd fail her assignment from the Princess, and she'd get tossed out from her cushy guest room in the palace, and have to spend her days being Trixie's roommate in the cramped, one-room travelling wagon that smelled like unwashed capes and despair! However...if she could just convince Pinkie not to be the human's friend, then the situation could be salvaged! "Well, you uh, can't be his friend!" Starlight claimed, her voice laden with all the weight and authority she'd mustered as ex-mayor and leader of a community.
"Why not?" questioned Pinkie, her head tilting adorably to one side.
'DAMMIT!' Starlight cursed internally. She hadn't thought this far. Unable to give up, she did what all great ponies throughout history did: she winged it. "Uh, because he's different! And weird! And wiggly in all the wrong ways! He's an alien who's only been here for a week! He could eat foals and shoot lazer beams out of his eyes for all we know! Yup, it's probably bad for your health just to be in the same room as him. In fact, I heard - " Starlight's eyes had the sort of wide-eyed horror that only ponies who could see their doom barreling towards them could have. Unable to cease or even partially stem the increasingly offensive and frankly, xenophobic rant spewing like untreated sewage from her mouth, her upper brain could only look on in horror as her instincts were fully at the helm. "- and that's why nopony should absolutely, positively be his friend at all, ever." she finished, panting for breath after managing to offend the human's race, religion, parentage, and preferred style of interpretive dance in a single measure.
Pinkie blinked once, twice, and very slowly but firmly shut the door in Starlight's face.
Starlight plopped down on her rump, her dreams of having her assignment done before lunch evaporating away.
"Buck."
Author's Note
Constructive criticism is wholeheartedly welcome! This chapter had no pre-reader or editor.
It's not like I want to be your friend or anything, weirdo!
Chapter 2 - Second First Impresssions
“Okiiieee...doookie...lokie?” Pinkie Pie half declared, half asked, though it was definitely without the usual cheer that accompanied her motto. Letting her hoof slip from the doorway she turned to Gregory, giving him the tried and true baby blues puppy dog eyes. Greg seemed to be frozen in place, a near-catatonic look on his face and jaw agape as he continued to stare at the now closed door.
Ears wilting adorably, Pinkie placed a hoof comfortingly on Gregs' knee, and cried “I’m so sorry Starry said all those things Greggy Weggy! She’s normally much nicer than that! Except for the time she brainwashed and enslaved a bunch of ponies and stole their cutie marks! Or the time she destroyed Equestria multiple times by manipulating the time-space continuum! Or the time she mind controlled me and my friends because she felt that checking items off of her homework list was more important than actually spending time with us as ponies! Or the time she almost doomed the Crystal Empire to a frozen death rather than make up with her childhood friend! I mean, I’m sure your mom is a super classy lady and doesn’t even KNOW how to-” Pinkie was halted from her Pinkalicious rant by Gregory gently placing his hand on her head and idly petting the tangle of floof.
“N-no, Pinks, it’s okay. I’m really more...impressed than anything else. I mean, that’s the first time I’ve ever heard one of you four-legged marshmallows swear at all , let alone use the phrase-” he regained a thousand-yard stare as he tried to recall the exact phrasing “ ‘Manticore-fellating, beady-eyed diamond dog ass-sniffing motherfucker.’” Pinkie visibly winced at the harsh language, but forced a smile nonetheless. Greg continued to pet her between the ears as he thought out loud, the action seeming to soothe both of them equally. “I mean, is that how I’m going to be greeted by all of your friends? Because I’ll be honest - while it’s a refreshing change from the lectures I get from the Princess, whom I’m ninety percent sure will have an aneurysm if she doesn’t use the word ‘friendship’ in every sentence - “ Pinkie tried, but failed to stifle a laugh at Twilight’s expense “- I think it’ll get old pretty quickly.”
Pinkie literally leapt to her friends’ defense, rearing up to plant her forehooves on Gregory’s shoulders and look him earnestly in the eyes. “No no NO Greggy Weggy! All of my friends are super duper nice, and I’m sure they’ll love to make friends with you! Just let me throw you a party, and you’ll see!” At the word ‘party’, Pinkie’s eyes had lit up with excitement and her snout had definitely threatened what Gregory referred to as ‘The Democratic Republic of The Personal Bubble of the Nation of Gregistan’.
Greg leaned back slightly to put a few inches between him and the avatar of exuberance. “I dunno Pinkie. I mean, the only other friend of yours I’ve met is the Princess, and it’s clear she only wants to spend time with me so she can learn about me and where I come from.” His gaze morphed from contemplative to somewhat downcast “ It doesn’t seem like the ‘Princess of Friendship’ wants to be friends with me at all.”
“Gregory.” Pinkie, in a rare moment of seriousness, used Greg’s full name, getting his full attention quickly. “Though we show it differently, Twilight really, truly wants to be your friend. She just…-” Pinkie waved a hoof in a circle, searching for the correct term. “ Gets a little distracted with the details.” Beaming with a beatific smile, she continued “If you just give them a chance, I Pinkie Promise my friends will want to be your friend for the pony - er, hyooman you are. Even Starlight, despite whatever crazy has gotten into her head this time. Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye.” She finished, somehow completing all the actions without falling from her precarious leaning position on Gregory.
Unable to resist her infections smile, Greg’s frown did indeed turn upside down, and shy smile broke out on his lips. “Okay Pinkerino, you got me there. I still don’t know about any party,” Pinkie’s face melted into a desperate frown “ ...BUT, I’ll meet your other friends. And maybe I'll give that crazy Starlight mare another chance. MAYBE. we’ll see. Maybe.”
Pinkie’s face re-formed into a sly smile. “I dunno Greggy-Weggy, that sounds good, but I dunno if I trust you to keep your word. Maybe if there was some way we could be sure…”
Greg chuckled. “Haha, okay Pinks, I promise.”
“Noooooooo!” Pinkie wailed “Do it right!”
“Aw c’mon, don’t make me do the actions-”
“DO THE ACTIONS!” Pinkie cried, renewing her assault on the poor, battered D.R.P.B.N.G.
“Okay, OKAY! Cross my heart and hope to fly-”
===================================================================
Trixie was sure. This was it. This was the day she was going to die.
“HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! STOP! THE GREAT AND POWERFUL TRIXIE CANNOT BREATHE!!!” Trixie bellowed, tears pouring from her eyes and her hoof furiously pounding the plush pillow of her guest bed as she laughed harder than she had years. “You seriously called his mother a ‘Zebra Lover’?!” she guffawed, her glee at Starlight’s blunder threatening to give her a permanent rictus. Said pony was currently sitting in the centre of the room in a miserable pile of shame and embarrassment, wishing the magical castle would open up and swallow her whole.
“I didn’t MEAN to!” Starlight wailed, her apple-red face covered by her forehooves. “I just-just started TALKING! And I couldn’t STOP! I just thought about how if I failed Twilight’s assignment I’d have to move in with you , and I panicked!”
Trixie paused her laughter to level a glare at Starlight. “Yes, clearly you have a habit of putting your hoof in your mouth.”
“I KNOOOooooooowwww!” Starlight moaned, her posture further curling in on itself in despair. “What am I supposed to do now? Forget being his first friend, at this rate I’m never going to be his friend at all!”
“Now now, ” Trixie said soothingly, using her magic to levitate a nearby dustpan and gently pat Starlight on the shoulder in what she assumed must be a comforting manner from the luxury of the bed. “The Great and Powerful Trixie admits she has, at times, perhaps, in a manner of speaking, had just the teeny-tiniest bit of trouble with first impressions in the past.”
Starlight paused her self pity party, parting her hooves slightly to glare out at Trixie from behind them. “You don’t say.” she droned dryly.
“Trixie DOES say!” Claimed Trixie proudly, missing the sarcasm entirely. “So if you simply MUST be friends with the monkey thing, Trixie will graciously help.”
Starlight dropped her hooves, a surprised look on her face. “Really? You’ll help me? I thought you didn’t want anything to threaten our friendship…”
“Oh Starlight,” Trixie waved a hoof dismissively. “Trixie is your very best friend! Of course I’d help you with anything. Of course, at this point, Trixie is fairly confident that there’s a snowball’s chance in Tartarus you’d ever become anything more than a passing acquaintance with the hyooman, but Trixie digresses.” Starlight made a motion to speak up and disagree, but quickly conceded that yeah, Trixie was probably right. “Now listen up Starry, this is what we’re going to do…”
===================================================================
Gregory half-walked, half-stumbled as he was dragged -literally- through the halls of Friendship Castle. With his wrist fully ensnared by Pinkie’s seemingly prehensile tail, Greg followed along unevenly as the Pronking Pink Party Pony dragged him down corridor after corridor.
“Aw c’mon Pinks, you can let go, I know how to walk!” Greg complained, the uneven pace of his tour guide slash captor making him unsteady on his feet. Pinkie stopped mid-pronk, freezing in mid-air as she looked back at Greg.
“I dunno Greggy, you don’t seem to be doing it right. I mean, you’re only using two legs silly-billy!” she giggled, resuming her downward arc and jolting Gregory forward again before his brain realized that Pinkie had just served physics another cease and desist order. “We’re gonna go in there, and you’re gonna make friends with Twilight, and I’m gonna help you and her do it right - OHMYGOSH!” Pinkie shouted in alarm, both releasing Greg’s wrist and taking on a look of panic. “Friendship needs teacakes! Emergency baking required! I’LLBERIGHTBACK!” she shouted, vanishing on the spot only to leave a Pinkie-shaped dust cloud, which slowly dissipated.
Left standing in some random corridor, Greg blinked a few times to process his situation. “Okay uh, I’ll just...stay here?” he said, to nobody in particular. Swiveling his head to take in his surroundings, he stuck his hands in his pockets and idly rocked back and forth on his heels, deciding to pass the time by counting the number of identical doors in the corridor.social interaction without his ceaselessly affable pink friend as a social buffer. His worst fears were realized when a door nearby him opened, and none other than Starlight Glimmer waltzed into the hall, freezing in place when her eyes met his. ‘Oh sweet Cthulhu no.’ he cursed inwardly, equally frozen in place as his fight or flight instinct collapsed in on itself.
Starlight couldn’t believe her eyes. ‘What the buck is he doing out of his room! There wasn’t a contingency for this!’ she screamed internally, ‘The timetable is already in shambles! Abort! ABORT!’ “ABO-” she began to shout out loud, her inward terror escaping outward through her muzzle. However, she was cut off rudely when an oblivious blue magician plowed into her, sending them both to the ground, hooves splayed out awkwardly.
“Buh-Starlight! What are you still doing here?! Trixie thought you were going to look for-” Trixie finally noticed the third being in the corridor, looming over the two downed ponies, looks of confusion and panic seemingly warring for dominance over his face. “-Gregory!” Trixie chirped pleasantly, the two mares scrambling to their hooves. “What a coincidence that the Great and Powerful Trixie should find the two of you, her good friend Starlight Glimmer, and you, Gregory, here at the same place and the same time!” Trixie delivered in a manner so wooden that the entirety of the Everfree Forest suddenly felt inadequate. “Isn’t that right Starlight? Starlight?” Trixie said through clenched teeth while raising a foreleg to elbow Starlight’s barrel.
Snapping out of her inner monologue of terror, Starlight picked up on Trixie’s insistence. “Oh! Uh! Y-Yes! I was just about to go looking for Gregory to apologize! Whatever is it that brings you here, Trixie?” Starlight asked, staring directly at Greg while addressing Trixie in the same ‘100% convincing’ tone that Trixie was using.
The total absurdity of the situation managed to override the social anxiety and awkwardness that would normally have kept him quiet, and Greg fixed the two mares with a suspicious glare. “Yes, I think I’d love to know that too, Miss...Trixie, was it?”
Slipping into her comfortable stage persona, Trixie flicked her mane back and held a hoof to her chest, doing her best to look the very picture of sincerity. It was a really, truly poor effort.GOOD FRIEND, ” she said, putting heavy emphasis on the term, “and came to the one pony she knew would fit the bill!” she finished, flashing a dazzling smile that would make a car salesman envious.
Continuing the performance, Starlight plastered on her best and least fake-looking smile. “Yes indeed! That’s me, the best and most reliable friend that anypony - or anyhyooman could have!” she claimed, placing only the most subtle of emphasis on the second phrase. ‘Nailed it!’ she cheered internally.
Greg however, was not entirely convinced by their seamless performance. “Let me get this straight.” He said, pointing at Trixie. “You, were looking for her, “ he pointed to Starlight, who wilted an iota at the gesture “ because you needed a ‘good friend’ ,” he said, adding fingerquotes “to solve some kind of problem.”
“CORRRRECT!” shouted Trixie, oblivious to the human’s incredulity.
“And you searched high and low for her, despite clearly coming out of the same closed room only moments apart.”
Starlight and Trixie only managed to stare at Gregory, fake smiles plastered to their faces and beads of nervous sweat beginning to form on their faces. “Yyyyyyyyyyyeeeeesssss?” Starlight answered, her chest tightening in anxiety as the tables of the conversation turned.
Gregory sighed deeply, pinching the bridge of his nose with one hand and screwing his eyes shut in an attempt to summon the effort for what was to come next. Lowering himself onto one knee, he looked Starlight straight in the eyes. "Look...Starlight, was it?" He paused as she nodded to him "I'm no stranger to cramming both of my feet, or in your case, hooves into my mouth. And I'll admit, that was one of the more, er, interesting things to happen lately, and I've been magically teleported from one universe to another." As Greg spoke, Starlight, against all odds, felt a flicker of hope blossom in her chest. "Look, what I'm trying to say is, I'm willing to start from scratch if you are." Here goes Pinkie, you can't say I broke one of your promises. He thought, holding out his hand in a gesture of goodwill.
Starlight could barely believe her ears. Despite her earlier buckup, she'd succeeded! She was going to make friends with Gregory and fulfill her mission from Twilight! No being kicked out and having to share a single mattress with Trixie! "Yes!" She cried happily. "That'd be great! That thing. Being friends. Definitely." She stared at Gregory, a manic smile on her face. After the silence drew out slightly longer than he'd expected, Greg quietly cleared his throat and jiggled his hand, politely trying to spur Starlight into action. "Oh! Yes, right! Shaking hooves is something that good friends do!" Starlight raised her hoof; all she had to do was shake his and she'd succeed! They'd be friends! Just a few more inches and-
SLAM! The nearest door behind Greg flew open unceremoniously, a sheepish Twilight Sparkle behind it. "Ah, heh heh, sorry about that, I still forget my own strength sometimes. Earth pony strength and all that..." she trailed off awkwardly. Seeming to notice the motley crew hanging out in the hall for the first time. "Oh! Starlight! Gregory! You look like you're getting along well!" She said happily, turning to Starlight. "I'm so glad I gave you that assignment."
Trixie and Starlight's eyes snapped to Twilight, their faces morphing into visages of dread. Gregory's head turned slowly, his brow creasing in suspicion. "...assignment?"
"Yup!" Twilight replied, despite the frantic hoof gestures that Trixie and Starlight were making; Trixie waving her hooves in a vaguely 'x' shape, while Starlight y drew her hoof across her neck in a 'cut it out' motion. Totally heedless to social cues, Twilight plowed forward. "Her assignment! I tasked her with making friends with you, and from what I can see, it totally worked! I'm the best Princess that teaches friendship." Twilight beamed proudly, painfully oblivious to the look on Greg's face.
Greg turned to Starlight, a grimace adorning his face. "So she only wanted to be my friend because you told her to?" he asked, withdrawing his hand and returning to his full height.
"Yup!" Twilight beamed again. "She only...oh...no..." Twilight's eyes bugged as she realized what she'd said. "Gregory! Wait! I can explain! It's not like it sounds!" Twilight cried, but Greg was already walking away, stomping back to his room with his fists and jaw clenched in anger.
Muzzles agape, Trixie and Starlight started at Twilight in disbelief. Starlight's rump fell to the ground, and she threw her hooves up in frustration.
"BUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!"
Author's Note
Jubilations! Chapter 2 is here, slightly later than I'd hoped as I have no drive or commitment.
Published for your pleasure without pre-reading or editing, because I live my life on the edge. (Please help me.)
Huzzah!(?) (ﾉಠ_ಠ)ﾉ
It's not like I want to be your friend or anything, weirdo!
Chapter 3 - Third time's the charm, again!
“I’M SOORREEE-HEEEEEE-HEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeee!!” Twilight whined tearfully, pawing at Gregory’s door. She slid down the smooth crystal surface, her hooves making a high-pitched squeal as she collapsed in a pathetic purple princess pony puddle at the foot of the door.
“No no Sparkle, keep trying, Trixie thinks you could be even more pathetic if you really put your heart into it.” Trixie commented helpfully, her magical aura popping a hoofful of popcorn into her mouth from the bag levitating at her side. “The alien will have to open the door”- she continued, obnoxiously chewing with her mouth open-“if you make a big enough scene!”
“Now Trixie, I’m sure Twilight is pathetic enough.” Starlight conceded. “But I’m not sure it was a good idea to follow him to his room. As much as I want to fix this, it really seems like he wants to be alone.” She put a hoof to her chin in concern. “I think we might just be making things worse.” Just as she finished, the heavy crystal door slowly parted a crack, just enough for a slivers’ width of a baleful glare to be leveled at the three occupants of the hallway.
Immediately perking up, twilight raised her head to look up into Gregory’s angry, disapproving glare. “Gregory!” she cried happily, the joy and hope on her face somewhat diminished by the puffy eyes and running nose.
“Twilight.” Greg stated, voice leaden with anger.
“Yes Gregory?” Twilight responded, full of hope. Even though she’d screwed up, she could fix this! Friendship would prevail, and all would be forgiven! She’d overseen the spread of the Magic of Friendship™ to dragons, gryphons, and even ~~that bitch~~~~charlatan~~ Trixie, she could do it for the human! Everything was going to be-
“GET. FUCKED.” Greg growled, before slamming the door hard enough to make all three mares wince and send an ugly crack shooting through the door frame.
“WAAAAAAAAAHHHH!” Twilight sobbed, returning to her previous state in a pile of tears, snot, and failure. “I’m never going to get puuu-huuu-bliiished!”
Starlight sidled up to Twilight, patting her on the withers awkwardly. “Uh, there...there, I’m sure he didn’t mean it, Twilight. He’s just upset, and if we give him some time to cool down, maybe we can come back later and smooth things out.” She gave Trixie a pointed look, then, nudged her head towards Twilight a couple times, trying to urge the lazy magician to help.
“Mff-*gulp* Oh yes,” Trixie piped up, swallowing the last of her popcorn. “It isn’t so bad, Sparkle! Plus, if Trixie were you she’d really take good advice when it’s offered. Trixie has been talking to some of your friends, and frankly the one thing we can agree on is that you’re way overdue for a good HNFF-” Trixie’s train of thought was fully derailed when Starlight, in a frenzied panic, crumpled up the mostly empty bag of popcorn in her magic and crammed it firmly into Trixie’s muzzle.
“I’m uh, sure what Trixie was TRYING to say”-she leveled an admonishing look at Trixie- “legitimate but highly inappropriate concerns about your love life notwithstanding, is that everything is going to be alright. If my time spent in the human world with Sunset Shimmer has taught me anything, it’s that humans are just obsessed with teats. Like, it’s all they think about all day long.” This was strange enough that Twilight temporarily ceased her sniffling, looking up at Starlight with a confused crook of her eyebrow. “But if I’ve learned TWO things,” Starlight continued, “it’s that humans are much more...er...open with their anger. But they’re also quick to forgive when that anger has cooled. He just needs some time, you’ll see.”
Twilight’s eyes shone with tears as she took in Starlight’s surprisingly touching off-the-cuff motivational speech. “R-really?” she asked, sniffling again as she attempted to stem the flow of tears, rubbing her hoof across her nose to clear it. “I guess you’re right.” she sighed. “We’ll just have to try again later and hopefully Gregory isn’t still furious.”
“Why is Greggy-weggy furious?”
All three mare froze at this, their eyes shrinking to frightened pinpricks. “Oh buck.” said Twilight and Starlight. “MH BFF” mumbled Trixie, the wadded-up popcorn bag still stuck in her mouth. As one, their heads all swiveled towards the source of the voice. There, standing in the hallway just behind them with a tray of tea cakes balanced on her back, was Pinkie Pie.
“MFFM HMFF-” Trixie screwed her eyes shut in frustration, and spat out the disgustingly soggy bag. “Ah! Pink one! Trixie was beginning to think you would never arrive with the promised treats!” Trixie trotted up to Pinkie, magicking a cake from the tray into her waiting maw. “Mmm, yes, much tastier than buttery paper. But yes, about the alien-”
“Greggy.” Pinkie corrected, much more sternly than anyone had expected.
“A-ah yes, the alien, uh, ‘Greggy’,” Trixie continued unabashedly, totally unable to recognize murder staring her right in the face “About all that. You’ll never guess what just happened! Trixie knows you are going to find this just hilarious! ”
Greg paced angrily in his room, actively trying to ignore the muffled conversation happening outside his door. ‘How dare they?’ he fumed, anger wound up in him like a spring. Every time he completed a lap in his room, the coil was tightened further and further, compressing his fury into a painful ember in his chest. ‘I’m not some goddamn...charity case! I didn’t come halfway across creation just to be treated like some homework assignment! In fact, I don’t need their so-called friendship in the first place. I’m better off alone...’ He was three quarters to convincing himself to open the door again and give them another piece of his mind when his angry inner tirade was wholly interrupted by a commotion outside his room.
“You did WHAT!?” yelled a voice that was somehow both sweetly high pitched, yet at the same time rumbled through his bones like an earthquake. What immediately followed was a series of screams, yelps, wails, and a myriad of unearthly sounds that made Greg question the existence of a kind and loving Celestia. He fearfully turned away from the door, hoping that if he ignored it hard enough, whatever was happening out there couldn’t get him. As quickly as it had begun, it ceased, and an almost unnatural quiet returned to his room. He took a few breaths, ears strained for any further noises. One came - a soft, almost fearful pleading: “...Greggy weggy?”
Greg froze in place, his fists clenched tightly. “Pinkie.” he stated simply, not turning around to face the newcomer to his room. “I’m sure my door was locked.”
“Heh, you know me,” Pinkie replied, her voice a muted shadow of its normally perky tone. “that’s never stopped me before.” A pregnant pause filled the air between them. “Are...are you okay, Greggy?”
Gregory took a moment to respond, his fists clenching and unclenching as he considered the question. “Are you...do you just…” he trailed off, seemingly unable to find the right words. “Am I just..an errand to you? Something to tick off a checklist?” Greg asked, a noticeable hitch in his voice.
Greg didn’t see Pinkie visibly flinch at the question, nor see her hair lose some of its puffy lustre. He did, however, hear her bridge the distance between them; tentatively at first, her hooves ringing out on the hard crystal floor as she made her way to him. She nuzzled his closed fist, nudging it with her forehead and allowing his fist to rest between her ears, deforming the mess of cotton-candy pink curls there. Taking a breath and still speaking in a disarmingly soft tone, she replied: “Never. Never ever, Greggy. Ever since I first made you smile I promised myself I’d be there for you, even when you’re frowny-wowny.” She stomped her hoof mildy for emphasis. “Especially when you’re frowny-wowny.” Greg’s posture relaxed almost imperceptibly, but even such a small change was picked up by the deceptively perceptive pony. “Remember the first time I made you smile?” she asked hopefully, trying to remind Greg of happier times. Her question found purchase in his mind, and Greg thought back to his first meeting with the unflappable party planner.
“Look, I appreciate the thought, miss uh…?”
“Pinkie Pie!” Pinkie cheered emphatically, a small burst of confetting seeming to materialize from nowhere..
“Yes, Miss Pinkie Pie, I appreciate the cupcake, but I made it clear to your Princess that I want to be left alone. So can you please leave?” Greg asked while gesturing meaningfully to the door.
“B-but you’re new in town! And I haven’t thrown you a party!” Pinkie pleaded, as though it was the most severe travesty in history (which it was).
Greg averted his eyes from the powerfully pouting baby blues and sighed deeply, his previously stern posture seeming to shrink into one of defeat. “Look, just...go, okay? I’m serious.”
Pinkie steeled herself, firmly staying in place. With a determined, stony look on her face, she replied: “Hi serious.” she paused a moment, Greg’s eyes quickly snapping to her in confusion. She took a deep breath, as if to make some great proclamation. “...I’m Dad.”
Greg stood stunned, unable to process what had just happened. Shakily, he stepped back from the Pink Punster; one step after another drawing him backwards until his knees hit his bed and he sat down roughly with a light *pomf*. Holding his head in his hands, a ghost of a smile tugged at the corners of his mouth. Like the most delicate of sparks growing to a raging inferno, what started as a barely audible chuckle evolved into deep, breathy howls of laughter, tears streaming down his cheeks. Pinkie closed the distance between them, placing a forehoof on his knee and hoisting herself up, spreading her other foreleg wide and offering a hug. Greg accepted the gesture and pulled her into a tight hug as his body shook. She kept holding him as the tears continued and his laughs turned to sobs.
Gregory took a deep, shaky breath before replying. “Yeah Pinks, I remember. Thanks, by the way.” Slowly, he unclenched his fists, his hand resting palm-down between Pinkies ears, which he began to scratch affectionately. Humming with enjoyment, Pinkie leaned into his side, encouraging him to continue. “I just...are you going to be the only one?” Greg asked with pain in his voice.
Pinkie nuzzled him again “I still mean what I said earlier, Greggy-weggy. My friends are good ponies, even if they’re meanie weanie...silly billy…” Pinkie frowned, seemingly unable to find the appropriate admonishment “...dumb plotholes sometimes.” Greg snorted mirthfully, despite himself. “I know they really can be your friends. Please don’t give up, Greggy.”
Greg grimaced, as though he was trying to stomach particularly vile cough syrup. Though try as he might, he couldn’t stop the ceaseless optimism and warmth of the pony next to him from draining the bitterness from him. ‘A spoonful of sugar really helps the medicine go down, eh Pinkie?’ he mused, wryly. “Fine.” he said, with some difficulty. “Fine. ONE more chance, Pinkie. And that’s between all of them. Another fuck-up and all of your friends are permanently on my shit-list. AND they have to be the ones to make the first move.”
Pinkie simply looked up at him, a knowing grin on her muzzle. “Oh, I wouldn’t be too worried about that…”
A few hours later, Trixie and Starlight flopped dejectedly on the friendship table, their pained, exhausted faces practically melting into the cold, hard crystal. Not far behind, Twilight took up position across from them in a similar state - an awkward, bow-legged gait causing her to walk more slowly than she normally would. Eventually, the lengthy silence was broken.
“Trixie...Trixie did not think that many teacakes could fit there.”
Lacking the wherewithal to move even just her head, Twilight’s eyes swiveled to meet the blue braggart. “Well, at least they’re out...and at least Doctor Stable swore patient confidentiality...plus a royal decree enforceable by banishment.”
Starlight grimaced, though not because of the pain; she’d had a lot of time to think while waiting in the doctor’s office. “Pinkie was right, you guys.” Both Twilight and Trixie’s gazes swiveled to her. “Twilight, when you first took me under your wing, one of my biggest fears was that your friends would only give me the time of day because they were your friends. And one of my biggest mistakes was treating their friendship like nothing more than a chore.” Twilight nodded as best she could in agreement. “And here we are,” Starlight’s eyes fell dejectedly, “making the exact same mistakes again.” Twilight winced at that, though she offered no rebuttal. “No.” Starlight stated, sitting up straight and bringing her hoof down on the table. “I can’t let it end like this. I have to try again.” with that, she sprang to her hooves and quickly waddled awkwardly out of the map room, toward the guest wing of the castle.
Twilight raised her head and proudly watched her student leave, once again hopeful that the Magic of Friendship ™ could save the day. She was pulled from her thoughts by Trixie clearing her throat in an uncharacteristically polite manner. “Er, Sparkle, the crown will cover the hospital visit, right? Trixie doesn’t have insurance.” she admitted sheepishly. Twilight’s face returned to the table.
Starlight grew more nervous the closer she got to Greg’s room. Her earlier burst of confidence was waning, and that coupled with the fear that Pinkie might still be in his room filled her with a cold dread. Even still, she steeled herself and forced her hooves to carry her the rest of the way, stopping in front of his door. Taking a deep breath to ready herself, she raised her hoof to knock. ‘Okay Starlight, this is it. Just breathe. No plans, no schemes, just...friendship. You can do this.’ Hesitantly, she knocked on the door. Time seemed to drag on, the echoes reverberating through the shining hallway for what seemed like ages. Just as Starlight was about to lose her nerve and turn tail, the door opened a crack, the same eye as before appearing in it, though not nearly as angry looking. To Starlight’s immense surprise, the door then opened fully, a stone-faced Gregory standing before her. Human and pony stared at each other in silence; Starlight frozen with anxiety, and Gregory being true to his word and waiting for Starlight to make the first move. After the silence had extended well past what could be considered awkward, Gregory clicked his tongue in disappointment and started turning back into his room. Shocked out of her anxious reverie, Starlight blurted out “I’m Sorry!!”, her chest heaving with panicked breaths.
Greg stopped mid-turn, facing back towards Starlight with an expectant look on his face. “Oh?” he asked simply, prompting her to continue.
“I...I…” Starlight stammered for a moment, hoping to somehow channel her ‘wing-it’ powers for good, rather than evil for once. “I’m sorry for saying all those terrible things to you, I just panicked, and one thing led to another and before I knew it I’d put all four hooves in my mouth.” She looked up at Greg expectantly, only to be met by the same neutral expression and him rolling his hand in a ‘go on’ motion. Starlight gulped and soldiered on: “A-and I’m sorry that I treated you like a chore instead of like a pon-er, person; I should have known better!” she cried, stamping her hoof in irritation. “I just...I’m still new at this whole friendship thing and I bucked up! I’m sorry!” Fixing Greg with her most powerful pout, she was met with him continuing to prompt her further. At a bit of a loss, Starlight wracked her mind for any further transgressions. “Um, aaaaaaand...I’m sorry for lying to you in the hallway.” her ears splayed backwards and she blushed adorably in embarrassment. “I’m sure Trixie is sorry too, if that counts?” she looked up at Greg hopefully with a weak smile.
Greg put his hand to his chin and stroked his stubble, making exaggerated contemplative noises. “HMMMMMMM.” he mused, staring at Starlight, who wilted under his gaze. “HMMMMMMMMMM.” he continued, drawing out the tone until he was sure Starlight was going to break out into a nervous sweat. “I dunnoooo…” he continued dramatically “ what do you think, Pink?” he looked down and to his side, where Pinkie had materialized.
“GAH!” cried Starlight, hoof clutching her barrel in an attempt to contain her heart. “Pinkie!? How long have you been here?”
“Long enough.” Pinkie replied nonchalantly. She then fixed Starlight with a scrutinizing glare, and aping Gregory, she put a hoof to her chin and made several exaggerated thoughtful sounds. Starlight’s brow began to bead with nervous sweat, but after a moment relaxed when Pinkie’s expression morphed into a smile. “Hmm, not bad, but could have been better. Seven and a half out of ten.” she said glibly, looking up to Greg. “What do you think Greggy?
“Well, seven and a half is a pass…” he mused, thoughtfully. Starlight’s eyes lit up with hope, and a smile threatened to break out on her lips for the first time. Gregory too, couldn’t resist the infectious positivity, and his lips curled up faintly. With an audible *SQUEE*, Starlight’s face instantly transformed into a joyous grin, her eyes sparkling with happiness and unshed tears.
“Yes yes yes yes yes yes!” she chanted, pronking around the hallway in a tight circle. Hearing Greg snort in amusement, she stopped mid-pronk, her muzzle lighting up with a deep blush. “Heh-heh...I may have picked up a couple things studying under Twilight…”
Greg looked meaningfully at the hoof hanging in the air between them. “Well...that depends. Are you going to report back to Twilight the second I say ‘yes’?” he asked with a playful tone.
Starlight just shook her head, keeping her hoof where it was. “Heh, nope, Twilight can wait. I was kiiiinda hoping to show you my kite collection, if you wanted?” she offered.
Greg internally d’awwed at the adorable nervousness in her voice. “Alright, sounds like something friends would do.” he said, finally extending his hand go grab her hoof and give it a firm shake. It was then that both of them noticed a sound just on the edge of hearing - a high-pitched tone that was quickly growing in both volume and pitch.EEEEYES!” Pinkie cheered, leaping from her spot by Gregory to encircle both Starlight and the human in a bone-crushing hug. “I KNEW YOU COULD DO IT STARRY!” she cried happily, continuing to lovingly crush the life out of two of her most bestest best friends.
“P-puh-pinks...can’t...air” Greg managed to choke out, while Starlight was faring worse and seemed to be turning from pink to a sickly blue color.
Pinkie giggled innocently, promptly dropping the pair into a pile of panicked gasping breaths. “Tee-hee! Whoopsie, almost did it again this week! Still, this calls for a celebration! I’m going to get more teacakes!” She turned to leave, stopping in front of Starlight, looming over her and staring deep into her eyes with a glare that could pierce the most solid stone. “DON’T. BUCK. UP. ” she commanded, before her face instantly morphed back into its carefree default setting and she pronked merrily away.
Getting to his feet, Gregory simply added “Uhhh..that certainly just happened.” Helping Starlight to her hooves, he asked “You want to wait here for those teacakes?”
The magenta mage found herself gripped with fear, a thousand-yard stare locked onto her face. “No. No I do not. We need to get the Tartarus out of here.” she monotoned, quickly turning in the direction of her room and taking off at a gallop. Greg simply shrugged, and jogged after his friend.
Author's Note
HUZZAH AND JUBILATIONS! I actually finished it! Only about a month and a half later than expected, too! ᕙ༼⊘͜ʟ⊘༽ᕗ
As usual, this whole thing was written in a single draft, so it's probably just lousy with errors! Let me know if you find anything!
I'm going to try something a little more serious for my next story, so I'd really appreciate some feedback. Thanks everyone!
