The Status of Lulamoon

by DIO Brando

Rating: teen
Tags: Alternate Universe, Second Person, Science Fiction, Comedy, Profanity, Adventure, Pinkie Pie, Crossover, Anon, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 3368

The most powerful, and most dangerous Pinkie to ever exists, finds herself banished indefinitely from the Pinkie Collective. She must find a way back through a whimsical adventure across space, time and a few cupcakes.

The most powerful, and most dangerous Pinkie to ever exist finds herself banished indefinitely from the Pinkie Collective. She must find a way back through a whimsical adventure across space, time and a few cupcakes. And guess what?

You're helping.

Rating will remain 'TEEN', but specific warnings are subject to change depending on how the story goes.

Published 2018-01-10 01:40:06 UTC
Last updated 2018-01-13 01:31:01 UTC

noomaluL fo sutatS ehT

"Amazing. Simply amazing. You've managed to make me want a sequel from just 1,755 words. I desperately want to know the backstory of Pinkamina Lulamoon and her friend, who i can only dub "Me/The Reader". Also, Blob Pinkie."

"Okay then, 'The Spook', give him all the credit," Pinkamena Lulamoon muttered. She sat back, looking at the comments section of that really stupid story about all of the pink horses.

Then, she noticed you. You were there. Not standing, not sitting, not even being, you were just there. She gave a smirk.

"Oh, you again," Lulamoon said, sitting in the void of a story being written. As the text continued to form, and the cursor remained idly in the middle of this Samsung TV monitor, she simply sipped on some coffee. That is to say, she drunk the cup.

"I know you exist, whatever you are. . .want coffee?" she said, offering it. She frowned. "I almost forgot, you're in a non-interactive asomatous state, that's fine."

She tossed away the coffee, a splash of brown appearing and fading from the black void.

"I suppose then, you are the key to getting back to the Pinkie Collective," Lulamoon said, sighing. She looked at you, directly, "You can't speak to me while I speak to you, there is that limitation, but, there are ways."

She removed her hat, taking a massive television monitor out of it and placing the hat back on her head. On it, was this very story, as it was being typed.

"I need you to hold tight," she said, "when you do this kinda shit, you'll be all over the place in your head wondering how the hell I know you're here and how you influence the story and yada yada yada. The only way I'm going to be able to talk to you. . ."

She pointed at the empty comments section.

"There, that's how, the problem is, I need to be able to access that in future time, which, I cannot do outside of the Pinkie Collective," Lulamoon said, "and in order to do that I need to get to one thousand words per chapter, while falling within the boundaries of a coherent story."

She sat in thin air, the TV poofing away.

"So, in that case, I'm going to fill you in on some information."

She cleared her throat, opening a book inside out, and placing some excessively large glasses on backwards.

"Once upon a time, in the magical land of Equestria, or, perhaps, in some kind of land, maybe not even an entirely magical one, just a really shitty version of it, there was a pony named Pinkie Pie. She had the ability to make almost anyone laugh. She was given the Element of Laughter in the root universe, otherwise known as the Television show, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, which died sometime after the rainbow powers and toy marketing of Season 4's finale. Pinkie was aware of this, she knew the show was just some capitalist nonsense to profit off of the merchandise-lust of little kids and grown men across the globe, so, when her screen time was up, she sought to gather all of the Pinkies together in a large committee, thereby keeping her universe alive and the universes of all other Pinkies, even if said universes had ceased in the 'real world', as you call it.

"From said root universe, there also existed a mare by the name if Trixie Lulamoon. She was a pretty shit villain, and now she's some lesbian friend of Starlight Glimmer for all we know. You understand how shipping works, if they stand together for more than two scenes, "well they must be a couple!". Bah humbug. Anyway, there exists a principle in fictional, or as far as you know fictional multiversal law in which every infinite variation of time and space exists as its own separate universe. In one of those universes, I was born.

"My name is Pinkamena Lulamoon, a blend of two characters. There are more like me, called Pinkieblends, but I am the most prominent, and the only one to make it both in and out of the Pinkie Collective. You see, this whole fanfiction world has a lot more going on in the background that what you've been led to believe by some authors who really think they're single-handedly creating this shit. The Pinkie Collective is behind it, and they weren't happy with you knowing they were alive.

"Long story short, here's the deal: You are the reader, you are the one who likes, comments, and follows. The one who keeps authors going. They're the ones who create our universes, but who also strengthen the Pinkie Collective. What you say influences the path of this story, but, so long as I am at odds with the Pinkie Collective, we have some rules to follow. First, we need a story. I'll get the attention of the Pinkie Collective while interfering with their universes, you'll help me, but also keep me safe, because they don't want to harm you. You keep their authors alive, and some of you are their authors.

"You're my last chance to get a little bit of purpose back. The Pinkie Collective is a truly good cause, but they've become too serious, and they've lost their fun, and it's taking a toll on all of them. Will you help me?"

Pinkamena Lulamoon, a reality bender, a powerful being among this fictional world of horses and humans, of love and hate, of death and life, asks you, reader, for assistance. She asks you to help her, of all the people. She asks you, the reader, to help her solve a problem that you are just now beginning to understand. It's a crazy idea, but that's what we're all good at. You, me, Pinkamena, and the rest of us. We're good at being a little crazy every now and then, and keeping the world entertaining.

So, are you gonna help out, then?

Author's Note

This is gonna be fun.

Something Strange!

"Oh look at that comments section fill up," Pinkamena said, smiling ever so slightly. She then frowned, looking at one.

'What's so dangerous about Pinkamena?'

"Just going to pretend that comment wasn't made," she said, continuing to scroll before she found a rather peculiar comment. That comment is the title of this chapter.

"There we go, that's what I needed," Pinka said, looking at you, "that's exactly what I needed from you, just a vague setting. Wherever you say is where we go, that's how it works. Now, off to Something Strange!"

Before you knew it, you had flown through some kind of theoretically improbable and incomprehensibly invalid portal to another dimension that. . .well. . .actually didn't look too bad. It wasn't a mess, it wasn't uninhabitable, there was oxygen, and from what you could see around you with buildings and signs, everything seemed to be in English.

It was sunny, yes, warm, perfect. It seemed to be very pleasant, like a quiet utopia. In fact, the only strange thing about it was the fact that nothing seemed off at all, it seemed almost too perfect, almost like you were in heav—

"I'M A LEMON!"

A sudden cry. Pinka looks around, as do you. It appears things weren't so normal after all. Before long, you noticed a lot of ponies surrounding a man dressed in a white body suit with a lemon on his head, screaming in agony. Beside him, a skeleton with a blue eye and some slippers. Of course, the strangest thing were the two Twilight Sparkle's off to the side debating over who was 1000% real or not.

You started to be overwhelmed by the insanity, because not only was it that, but these ponies seemed to all have some weird godlike trait about them. One of them was an alchemist, about ten of them were alicorns, some of them were rainbow colored, others were black and red, it was an ungodly mess of OCs and abused characters.

"Hold up, you're losing yourself to the wasteverse," Pinka said, looking at you with absolutely no concern whatsoever. She whipped a pie out of her hat, throwing it at your face. Suddenly, you felt a bit better. "I bet you're wondering what that did. Take a look above their heads."

You look. Above their heads was text. Names, descriptions, crushes, friends, likes, dislikes, and a lot of nonsense. It could only mean one thing.

"We're in a shitty ROBLOX Roleplay game," Pinkamena sighed, "this one just happens to be based on MLP."

She looked around, starting to walk towards a large structure, it looked like a fucked-up Golden Oaks Library. After you walked inside behind her, the door shut as she looked you in your eyes.

"What we're in right now, is what is called a 'wasteverse'," Pinka said, "imagine every universe takes a shit and another universe is made out of it, that's where we are right now. If you want a deeper explanation, you'll have to think about it. Universe, shit, new universe. Picture it in your head."

She turned around.

"Now, the only thing this story needs is a plotline, that means we need to find an issue, and solve it before we can move on to the next universe," Pinka explained, "of course, with a wasteverse, it's a role of the dice. Between real, living beings, and spoiled brats and overgrown men thinking they're controlling a game character, you can truly never be sure of what godawful things you'll find."

You thought.

Does this mean you are one of those characters? That you were being controlled by someone in another universe? Or were you controlling them?

"You're loosing yourself again," Pinka said, interrupting the thought-provoking questions. She tapped her chin. "I know."

She walked out, expecting you to follow close behind. As you did, you saw certain characters fading in and out of a different-looking Ponyville. Before long, only a certain circle of players remained. From what you saw before, there was a bunch of incoherent screaming, weird chat bubbles with parenthesis popping up everywhere, and a whole mess of people. Now, everything seemed functional again.

"Who is that?" one of them said, looking like a ponified Edward Elric from FMA. Another one, resembling fucking Alucard turned over as well, along with a more Timid pony and a very well-dressed stallion.

The stallion frowned, staring as the timid pony hugged up to him.

"Have no fear, Pinkamena is. . .There!" Pinka pointed, suddenly appearing somewhere else. The crowd and yourself turned to her.

"Clever, but you're not the Pinkamena from this root universe," the stallion said with a frown.

"Root universe?" Pinka laughed for a bit.

"What's so funny?" Edward asked, a bit defensively.

"Spoilers." Pinka replied with a smile. Alucard looked over at you.

"Who's this, then?" he asked, "did you bring a meal for me? Aw, you shouldn't have."

Before you had time to panic, Edward looked back at the towering vampire.

"Alucard! We don't need to make enemies with everyone we meet!"

"What? I'm just joking, can't have fun can you, shorty?"

Edward turned red in the face with anger before the well-dressed stallion interrupted the inevitable argument.

"Why are you here, then?"

Pinka shook her head, sighing.

"A lot of questions for a little vampire, Solar," Pinka replied. At this point, you weren't sure if she was trying to fix a problem, or create one to fix. You didn't have much of a say in what she did at the present time, you could only watch the events unfold and comment on them afterwards.

"So you're one of those, then," Solar said calmly with a frown. He looked at you. "And who, pray tell, are you?"

You couldn't say anything. You looked at Pinkamena, but she didn't say anything either. You were worried. This was just a story, right? They can't hurt you. Surely, your fate wasn't decided by some 17-year-old guy sitting in his room with an empty cup and a tiny candle.

But there was no knowing for sure. On one hand, you were only seeing the text, but on the other, you were imagining it. You were feeling it, seeing it. It was all so read in your head, what was the difference? What was the difference between what you were seeing without being told, and what you were being told to see?

"You're losing yourself again," Pinka said. She looked at the group. "Fine, I'm not here to fight. We're a long way from where we need to be and we thought you might need some help. He's uh, mute, yeah. He can't talk."

Were you a guy?

"Just go with it," Pinka whispered in your general direction, somehow the rest of the ponies being totally oblivious to it. You nodded. Apparently, you were able to communicate through brief gesture, that was a relief. Still, however, it wasn't entirely by your choice, but it was the best for the story.

Or so you hoped, so long as it wasn't a story about dying.

"Well," Edward said, "If you really want to help, we've been dealing with a number of problems, but primarily one from this stallion named 'Dio Brando'. He's some vampire and he killed one of our friends."

"Oh god I know what this is," Pinka said. She shook her head, knowing she was about to break the timeline and make a new one, or rather that she already had and there was no going back. "Alright, yes, we can help."

This would be over quick. She's got reality-bending abilities, she could have it done in a heartbeat, right?

"I could easily take him on," Alucard said, puffing his chest out. Solar frowned, looking at him.

"Well, you certainly didn't kill him before he stopped time," he pointed out.

"Well, he was cheating! I didn't know he could stop time!" Alucard replied with a pout. Solar shook his head as another mare came up to them.

"What's goin' on?" she asked. This one was also, quite visibly, a vampire.

"Nothing in particular, Andromeda," Solar said, "just another visitor."

About that time, the sky began to dim as the sun fell slowly behind the horizon.

"It's almost time again guys. . ." Edward said, "DIO's gonna come out at night time and try to take us all down!"

"He can't kill me!" Alucard said.

"Well, he can kill the rest of us, smart one," Andromeda said with a disapproving expression. Alucard huffed, looking at Pinkamena.

"So, what can you do?"

"Anything you need me to," Pinka said with a smile, "namely, I can kill the bastard."

"Sounds like a plan, but I could kill him myself if I just—"

"Come off it Alucard, you still didn't do it the first time," Edward said, rolling his eyes. Alucard frowned.

"Rude."

Suddenly, a large clock tower sounded as the sun fell completely from the sky. In the silence that followed, a large stallion could be heard landing from behind. You turn to see DIO, dressed in his same fashionable clothes as before but. . .as a pony.

"Hehahahaha!" he laughed, "I, DIO, am now unmatched! At first, I could only stop time for a moment, then two seconds, three seconds, now I can stop time for fifteen minutes! Bow before my knowledge and might, petty underlings!"

He looked at you.

"You will be first!"

He swung a hoof at you, but you knew that wasn't what was going to hit you. It was, in fact, the hulking figure behind him, The World.

You couldn't do anything.

Fortunately, before you were pulverized, Edward had hopped over you, delivering a hindleg to DIO's face as he picked up a spear from the ground and hurled it. You could see, just for a moment, large transmutation circles forming around him as he performed what you could only think was magic.

DIO recovered from the blast, catching the spear just before it hit his head and snapping it.

"What?" Edward said before being sent back by The World's fist, one that he couldn't see. What were you supposed to say about it? Why wasn't Pinkamena helping them?

You looked over at her, she was sitting, eating popcorn.

DIO turned back around, facing you, but looking up at a hellish Alucard rushing towards him.

"Only a man can kill a monster, you think I'd even let you hurt me?" Alucard said, intending to tear DIO apart. DIO smiled.

"Fortunately, this world has much knowledge of other worlds, and, I do not need to kill you," DIO took out an array of Holy Weapons, "FOR I, DIO, AM NOT LIMITED BY YOUR LIMITS! I do not need to kill you, only the patience to apprehend you!"

"Fuck."

Alucard was blasted back by the weapons, temporarily incapacitated. DIO added insult to injury by punching him in the direction of a lake, sending him plummeting into the water. Solar then ran towards DIO, summoning his Stand as well. DIO simply punched Solar away with ease.

"Muda muda muda!" DIO laughed.

"Alright, I've seen enough," Pinka said, walking up to him.

"Oh? You're approaching me? Even after you saw the fate of your teammates, all falling like flies before a—"

"Can it, dumbass, I just want to get back to my business meeting," Pinka said. It looked like she was about to completely erase him before everything froze. Above you, a pink glow, then, the face of Pinkie In Charge.

"We can see your actions, Pinkamena Lulamoon," she said solemnly, "but we admire your attempts, so we will respect them. However, your power will be removed from you and slowly earned back as you defeat more and more threats, starting with this one. Defeating DIO here will grant you the ability to continue on to the next universe."

"Shit." Pinka said, time resuming as she was blasted back into a wall by a sudden fist.

DIO looked at you. No one was there to protect you. No one.

"You're awfully quiet, I like that," DIO said, "but, unfortunately for you, I do not require it."

The World drew it's fist back, hurling a punch at you.

You closed your eyes. This was it.

There was no more after this.

This was the end of you.

No more.

. . .

You opened your eyes, to see a struggling DIO. Your. . .hand, catching the Stand's fist effortlessly.

"N-NANI?!" DIO shouted. You were confused, what was this? Suddenly, you're able to do more than just walk around?

Instinctively, or perhaps without choice, you drove a fist into DIO's skull, blasting him back. You felt his bones snapping under the intense pressure as he fell back, confused as to what just happened.

After somewhat recovering, he looked at you.

"I'll be back, I'll kill you all!" he shouted, vanishing from sight. Everyone got up, looking at you.

"Damn, why didn't you do that before he kicked our asses?" Edward chuckled. Alucard finally made his way back.

"Good question," he said. Solar was silent.

Pinka walked up to you, rubbing the back of her now hurting head, pain that she hadn't felt in a long time.

"I know what that is," she said to you, looking at your fists that shouldn't actually be there

The others looked at her.

"It's fucking plot armor."

The others were confused, chatting quietly until a portal appeared.

"Looks like our next stop, I wonder where the hell the comments section is taking us now," Pinka said. She shook her head. "Come on, whatever you are, but don't expect me to get mushy with you for unintentionally saving my life." She held her hoof out, you took it.

Off to the next place.

Author's Note

Ever been in a classroom and the teacher asks for volunteers, and everyone raises their hands but you seem to never get picked?

That's kind of how this is going to go.

Comment on this chapter for the next setting, be witty, and don't say something that's going to get me into fisticuffs with another author please.