U must haf ebolah to kno da weh
Author's Note
I regret nothing.
U must haf ebolah to kno da weh
Celestia leaned over the large white balcony of her room, taking in the surroundings and the sight of Canterlot City. She was having a nice, relaxing moment, enjoying and breathing in the cool air of the morning accentuated by an 'ocean sun' of comfortable, white light filtered by the clouds.
"Hm," she thought. "Funny that I should enjoy this sort of time without my sun..." She shrugged and leaned back against the white stone railings. "There's nothing better, truly." She heaved a satisfied sigh and relaxed.
Celestia's staff weren't having such an easy time, however, and it certainly wasn't because of their tasks in such a massive building. No. It was because one of the guards was trying to catch a tiny red creature running about the castle grounds, shouting 'Run aweh!'. The chase led to the castle gardens where rows upon rows of multicolored flower bushes grew and strong vines climbed the castle walls. The creature was barely high enough to reach a guard's knees, but it was wide enough to fit their barrel width. It had a white boomerang shape on the center of its torso with the tips pointing upwards. On its hands were white gloves with two spikes on the knuckles, and upon its head were four solid dreadlocks dangling precariously close to its large and bulbous eyes. Its facial features were accentuated by its prominent black nose and big, beige colored lips.
"What is this thing?" the guard shouted angrily. She tripped over her own hooves and tumbled over, sliding -face first- across the ground.
"What's going on out here?"
The question came from one of the younger butlers of the alicorn sisters, complete with combed-back, black mane and black-tuxedo clashing with his bright-blue coat. The guard forced her head out of the dirt and spat several times to get the dirt out of her mouth.
"Blah! Gross!" she shouted angrily. She got to her hooves and pointed towards the gardens. "It's that stupid red gnome thing that kept asking us about 'da whey' or something. I was trying to catch it."
"Da whey?" the butler repeated with curiosity.
"Yes. Eet iz da weh!" a voice stated.
The guard pointed to the butler's head. "THERE! IT'S ON YOUR HEAD!"
"WHAT?!"
The butler bounced around anxiously, trying to shake the creature off, but it left on its and looked up at the mare.
"Are you da queen?" it asked.
Several more voices echoed in the nearby bushes, repeated 'Da queen?', 'Da queen is he'e?', and 'It is da queen?'. Dozens of the red gnomes flooded out from the bushes and from underground to stop in front of the mare and bounce gleefully.
"Eet iz da queen!" one of them chanted joyously.
"I'M NOT YOUR QUEEN!" the guard protested.
"Sniff her to know!"
Repetitive and loud sniffing noises filled everypony's ears as the red gnomish creatures approached the mare, all walking and bouncing atop each other to sniff her. The guard's reaction was to shudder intensely and gallop away towards the castle entrance.
"Nooooh! Come back my queen!" The gnome turned to face his identical ilk. "Come, my bruddas. We must chase after da queen!"
"She must know da weh!"
"Yes! Da weh!"
"Let us click in celebration!"
The swarm clicked their tongues whilst chasing after the mare, running over the butler and crushing him underneath.
"Why are you running?" they asked the mare.
"Why. Are you running?"
The guard crashed through the wall and rushed through the entrance and the hallway opposite it. "HELP ME!" she screamed.
The staff cleaning the stairs leading to the second floor stopped their work and watched her rush through the castle with blank stares.
"What was that all about?" a dusting maid wondered aloud.
A butler removing cobwebs from the corners thanks to a tall broom shrugged in response. "A training routine gone awry?"
A blue gnome stopped in front of the stallion and stared him in the face.
The prior maid stopped her actions and pointed at the gnome with a shaky hoof. "What in Equestria is THAT thing?" she asked.
"Do you kno da weh?" it asked the butler.
Said pony looked left and right, confused. "T...The 'way'?"
"Yes. Da weh? Do you know it?"
"You need to have ehbolah to kno da weh," a second blue gnome asked.
"Do you speak wif da voice of teh devul?" a third wondered.
"Wh-what?" the stallion scampered up against the wall.
"Eet is teh voice of da devul. He will sho da weh."
"What are you talking about?!" The butler waved a hoof 'delicately' at the gnomes. "Shoo! Go away!"
"GO DA WEH?!" a red gnome shouted. "HE KNOWS DA WEH?"
"CLICK IN CELEBRATION!"
"WHAT IS GOING ON?!" the butler screamed.
Princess Luna teleported above the ground in the entrance and spoke in her Royal Canterlot voice. The booming strength was enough to throw the gnomes around like little toys.
"What is going on around here?!" she bellowed.
The princess noticed one gnome had been thrown into a vase, its stubby legs sticking outwards. Grasping it in her magic, the mare pulled the creature out and levitated it towards her.
"What manner of creature is this?" she wondered. "It looks...kind of cute, in a squishy way."
"Hm?" The gnome sniffed the alicorn then gasped. "My bruddas! I have found teh queen!" It shouted even louder. "Quickly! To da queen!"
"Da queen!"
"To da queen!"
"She will show us da weh!"
They all stopped briefly when one of them started sniffing a maid that had just entered the castle. Others quickly joined in and some started to poke her and jump around her.
"My bruddahs! Dis is not a ladee. Dis is a trap!"
"SPIT ON HER!"
"A trap?" the 'mare' asked innocently. "AH!"
The mare was being drenched by the angry spits of little gnomes. As a last ditch resort, the 'mare' summoned white magic around her horn, letting loose a spell that flash-froze everything around her in a spherical area. She panted and wiped the spit off of herself, satisfied that the spell work.
"Ah. Glad that it worked," she congratulated herself between panicked gasps for air.
The maid's pupils gradually shrunk when she noticed that the small gnomes were still standing in the dissipating icy mists, their forms unfrozen.
"WE NEVAH FREEEEEEEEEZE!" they shouted in unison. Their war cry was accompanied by a glowing halo of light floating behind them.
"SPIT ON HEEM AGAIN!"
Luna couldn't help but chuckle at the sight of a pony being chased away by dozens of little gnome creatures by being spat on. Juvenile, but funny. The princess gasped for air when she had to dodge the golden chandelier swinging from the ceiling. One of the red gnomes was on it. An orange gnome jumped on the brown railings top with white spheres of the second floor.
"My brudda!" he started. "Why do you do dis? Eet eez not da weh."
One of the blue gnomes added to the orange's speech. "Listen to da commanda. He knows da weh!"
"No! I do not want to stop!" the chandelier gnome shouted.
"You almost hit da queen!" The commander gestured towards Luna. "Da eez not da weh of da uuganden people!"
"Dis is my weh!"
There was a long moment of pause, leaving the ponies to stare at the scene and Luna to contemplate what was going on.
"He is a blasphEmah!" the orange gnome shouted. "My bruddahs! We must spit on him!"
"SPIT ON HIM!" one of them shouted at the top of their lungs.
A few of the gnomes approached this brudda, concerned.
"My bruddah. You must stop with da screaming so loud. It will kill your spitting box."
"But I like to scream. Eet iz da weh!" He turned to face the chandelier gnome and narrowed his eyes. "Speet on heem!"
"Spit on him!" the others chanted.
While the others all jumped towards the chandelier to spit on the traitor, the orange one waddled up to Luna who had landed on the second floor, closest to the bunching of gnomes. She had almost tripped on the red carpet with floral patterns adorning the floor.
"That was close," Luna sighed.
"My queen! You must show us deh weh," the orange creature begged her. "You must show us deh weh of deh uuganden peepul."
Luna tried processing what she just heard, but all she came up with were weird faces. "What are you talking about?"
"We must fight da pinguins. Dey kill our queen."
"Bah! Da pinguins!"
The whole horde started spitting in response, interrupting their attack of the non-believer. Celestia pushed two wooden doors opened and slowly walked forward, noticing the little creatures all around the entrance of her castle.
"Sister..." she spoke with a wary tone. "What is this?"
"Look!" one of the blue gnomes started. "Eet iz da queen."
"Da queen?"
They all looked back and forth between Celestia and Luna, seemingly confused, with many scratching their heads.
"There cannot be two queens!"
"Da white one is da imposter!"
"SPIT ON HER!"
The group joined up to start spitting at Celestia, drenching her in tiny gnome saliva and angering the mare. They even started throwing their bruddahs at the mare, creating a squeaking sound on impact. The angered alicorn's horn glowed a bright yellow, engulfing the white walls and black tiles as easily as the staff and paintings on the wall. It was bright enough that it prevented any light from passing through the high-mounted windows and, instead, emitted light to the outside. The gnomes outside the castle walls were stunned and blinded by the effect. When the light faded, the tiny creatures were no more, and Luna heaved a sigh of disappointment at their loss.
Celestia turned to her sister and glared at her. "What exactly was that?"
Luna shrugged. "I guess it was..." she smirked. "Da weh."
