Spare a Dart?

by Papa Oats

Rating: mature
Tags: Adventure, Crossover, Twilight Sparkle, Profanity, Violence, Princess Celestia, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Narcotics, Princess Luna, Comedy
Length: 15458

My sentence is finally up, I'm free to leave my cell. Back to sweeping floors and cleaning windows.

Clean's sentence is finally up. He's a free man again, but things have changed for the sole human janitor. Its gonna be a lot harder to clean up these messes.

Published 2018-01-11 19:00:06 UTC
Last updated 2020-03-06 10:47:03 UTC

One - Time to start again.

“Daddy!”

“Daddy! Let's go into the garden! I wanna see bunnies!”

“Daddy! I met a colt at school that said I was cute!”

“Dad! I got accepted to Canterlot University!”

“Dad! I’m getting married!

“Clean. I’m moving to Manehattan with my husband.”

“Clean. It's all your fault.”

“I hope you rot in that cell, Clean!”

-=- -=- -=-

I woke up in my cell. Memories of my dream not fading fast enough.

The light from the bars are dim, barely leaving enough to see.

“3… 2… 1…” I said, counting down until the runes would light back up. This happened every time after a nightmare.

Only this time, the bars remained dull, barely leaving enough of a light to even see the runes. I got up from my cot and walked over to the bars. Rubbing my hand down them, they felt colder than usual. From down the hall I heard a set of hooves. Whoever it was was running pretty fast, obviously in a hurry.

The hooves stopped with an irritating screech and a white figure slid past my cell with a yelp.

Pressing my face and hands against the bars I tried to look past the corner, to no avail.

With a huff a pearly white stallion stood in front of my cell.

“Clean! I made it just in time!”

“Woah, Blueblood? What are you doing down here?”

The unicorn pony pulled out a keyring from a front pocket on his coat.

“Celestia has gone missing and the sun hasn’t come up yet! Something's happened to her, now help me find the right key!”

I grabbed the key ring from him, and shifted through them. “Blue, none of these are the right key!”

“What?! Then where's the real one?”

“I need you to go up to Celestia’s room and look around.”

“Go through Auntie’s room? But- but I don’t want to go through her things without asking.”

“There isn’t time Blue, just find a key with a clear gem on it. In the gem is a blue flame. Find that key and come back. Hurry!”

And with that he bolted away, leaving me to the growing darkness. I paced back and forth, falling into the habit of smoking.

Quickly pulling out a stick, I pat my pockets trying to find my trusty fire box.

“Need a light?”

I slowly turn to the bars to see a tall, dark mare. Slit eyes and ethereal mane flowing around her.

“I dunno, got a zippo? Those always make these taste better.” I ask, making casual conversation in the face of an adversary.

“Oh, Clean, what a naive little human you’ve turned out to be. I see you’re still stuck in this cell. And you were so close to getting out too, such a shame. Look like you will be stuck in this cell for a LOT longer.”

“Fuck off Nightmare, you’re here for a reason. Plan on gloating?” I said, trying to get her to leave before Blueblood gets back.

“Why yes I am! I’ve even got you a parting gift. A ‘last place trophy’ if you will.”

Using her magic, she summoned a small hand mirror, or hoof mirror in this case.

“As you would say, ‘abraca-fucking-dabra’,” she said, causing the reflective silver of the mirror to light up.

“You don’t even know what that means.”

“No, but it means something offensive, and I want to insult you in your own language. I told you you would get to watch as everything you loved is gone. Now you can watch it without me risking you leaving your cell.” She said before floating the mirror to the bars.

I reach out and grab it, looking into it. In the mirror is a perfect image of Celestia, with chains wrapped around her barrel. Her wings were covered by the chains and a dark metal ring around her horn.

“I suppose you’re not just going to kill her, are you?”

“No, she has a mirror just like this, but she’s watching something completely different. Here, I’ll even let you watch.”

And with that the mirror lit up again, to show Twilight with five other mares, all staring down a manticore.

“Twilight?! What the hell is she doing?!”

“Well, it would look like she’s trying to find an early grave.”

I rushed forward and slammed against the bars, reaching out desperately through, trying to get my hands on that damn mare.

“If you touch her I’ll FUCKING KILL YOU!”

“Oh, and what are you going to do about it? You’re stuck in that cell… Oh! And by the way…” She said, her horn lighting up and covering the bars. The runes started to grow brighter and brighter. When she was done the runes were glowing brighter than they have in years.

“Let's put a bit more protection on these bars. Those should last you a good century or two without needing a recharge. Now I’m off to oversee my kingdom. Toodaloo~”

“Get back here you bitch and fight me like a man!” I said, taunting her, but she kept walking. With a flash she teleported away.

I slumped down, falling to my knees. If Blueblood didn’t find that key, then there's no telling what would happen to Twilight and the Princess.

I notice a glint in the corner of my eye and see the mirror again. Picking it up, I see one of Twilight’s friends. A yellow pegasus appeared to be consoling the manticore.

I breath a sigh of relief and relax. Watching the mirror I start to reminisce on my time in this cell.

“10 years I’ve been in here…” I say with a sigh.

Hearing the clopping of hooves, I feel a sense of opportunity. The chance to make things right.

“And it sounds like I’ll be getting out.”

Blueblood stops with a skid like before, sliding right past my door.

“One too many there Blue, you find the key?”

Huffing and panting, he pulls out a silver key with a crystal gem on it.

“That's the one! Now let's go save a princess.”

“Wait, Clean…” Blueblood says, stopping me.

“If you’re going to say something along the lines of ‘if I don't make it,’ I will slap you right now.”

“I can’t come with you.” He says, starting to tear up. “I’m not good in a fight and my magic isn’t good either! I don’t think I could do anything against Nightmare Moon”

I lean down and pat the grown stallion on his head, “Come now Blue, you don’t think I actually expected you to fight with me, did you? I’ve got another task for you, I want you to round up as many guards as you can and have them round up every pony they can. We need damage control, and as active Prince, it's up to you to keep the castle in check.”

“Do you really think I can do all that? I’m just one pony.”

“I know you can Blue, afterall, I’m just a janitor. You’re a grown stallion, and I expect a Prince like you to take charge! Think of all the mares that will be swooning after you, I’ll have to beat them off with a broom.”

He laughs at that and wipes a tear away. “Okay, but what now?”

I go back into my cell and pull out the box. Opening it I grab a knife, the pack of smokes, a lighter, and scrap of paper covered in my scrawlings.

“Simple Blue, I'm going to save Equestria. And after that, we’re going to go back to a normal life. No more fighting, no more monsters, nothing. Just pure relaxation.”

Blueblood, visibly giddy with excitement hops on his hooves. “What are we waiting for then? Lets go!”

-=- -=- -=-

Blueblood and I are running through the castle. The castle is in ruins, stones are knocked about. Statues are knocked over, burns litter the stone walls, and windows are broken. Each hall and every mark hurts my soul. My once pristine castle is now trashed.

“When I get my hands on her, I’m going to literally use her as a broom.”

Leading Blueblood around, I take him up to my old room.

“Clean, what are we doing here? Aren’t we gonna go save the princess?”

“A hero can’t save a princess without his tools, can he?”

“No… I suppose you’re right.”

Looking through my room to find it kept just as it was before my sentence, I rub my hands across the wall. My hand catches on a lip on the wall and I push it in. The wall makes way to my push, pressing down on a button.

A small compartment opens up in the wall beside my hand and I reach inside. The hole in the wall is deep, made specifically so that only I could reach in. I pull out a small box, just barely smaller than the hole.

“You know what this is, Blue?”

He shakes his head back and forth while wide eyeing the box. The box is covered in ornate carvings. On the top is an oval indention surrounded by symbols that aren’t native to this world. Not that anyone else would know that of course. In the middle of the oval is a rune that is shaped as a straight line going down. Two smaller lines come out of the side about one third of the way day. The left line angles upward while the right one angles down.

I put the box under my arm and pull out the knife. With a quick cut to my left ring finger my hand starts to bleed. Blueblood gasps at this, but I ignore him. Pressing my finger into the oval, whispering “Nauthiz.” the box lets out a quiet whir and clicks open.

I quickly open it and pull out two things. The first being a ring, and the other a stone.

“You came all the way up here for jewelry?”

I laugh him off, “Blue, this isn’t just any jewelry. These are important artifacts. As if I would waste time in making myself look cool. I’m already cool enough.”

I take the ring and put it around my left ring finger. The cut instantly heals and I wipe the blood off onto my clothes. I hold the stone and firmly grasp it.

Blueblood gapes at the healing magic, “I thought magic didn’t work on you?”

“That's true, but this isn’t any ring. This ring has been handed down since before Celestia. This is the only magic nullifying artifact that is capable of even hindering an Alicorn.”

“Well that doesn’t explain why it healing your finger.”

“Magic Blue, ain’t gotta explain shit.”

“Whatever, and the stone?”

I roll the stone over in my hand. It's a simple dark blue rock with a celtic knot carved on one side and on the other another rune similar to the one on the box. This is one is simple line. At the top of the line is a smaller line angling downwards a bit.

“This one's a bit more simple. This one lets me teleport. Now I need you to do what I told you. Gather the guards you can and get to work.”

Blueblood straightens up and brings his hoof up to his forehead in salute. “Aye aye Clean!” he says before running off.

Placing the now empty box down, I fidget with the ring and look down at the stone in my hand.

“Well here goes nothing… Laguz!” I say, crushing the rock in my hand.

Instantly everything is torn apart. It feels like My body is going through a tunnel way too small for my body, over and over again. But instead of pain, it feels almost empty. As if I lose all feelings in my body. No pain or pleasure, just pure emptiness. It stopped as fast as it started.

Gathering my balance and trying not to pass out from the feeling of teleporting. I take my time gathering myself. I’m in the old castle of the Royal Sisters. The castle is in disrepair, broken stones and columns are everywhere.

I’m standing in between the two thrones. Celestia used to take me with her to explore these ruins multiple times. With it being years ago, my memory of the layout was fuzzy, but I remembered where the throne room was. Right at the entrance to the castle. In the middle of the room was a large contraption. On it there are five pedestals with one right in the middle.

“The Elements? Where are they?” I say rushing over. Inspecting all around the statue for signs of the elements. Broken shards of stone, runes, anything that would help me find them.

In the distance I hear a pony scream out in terror. I recognized that scream…

“Twilight!” I called out, only to hear someone else call her name.

Looking over to the entrance to the castle, five ponies of various colors are standing at the door. Two earth ponies, two pegasi, and a single unicorn. All with various reactions. The pink earth pony looked excited, the blue pegasus and orange earth pony looked ready to fight, and the white unicorn and yellow pegasus looked terrified.

“What are you doing here, and what do ya know about Twilight?” The orange earth pony asks.

“No time to explain, you’re all friends of Twilight, right? We need to hurry, follow me!”

“Hey!” I hear them exclaim. I rush to one of the side corridors, not caring if they followed or not. I needed to get to twilight and get this ring on Nightmare Moon.

Running down the hall I found the staircase I was looking for. Bounding over the steps, skipping multiple at a time, I find the door at the top stuck shut.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck! It wont open!” I say, trying to push the door open.

“Outta the way monster!” I hear from behind me.

A blue blur flies past me, bashing into the door and knocking it off its hinges. The door falls with a loud thud and I follow suit.

“I don’t know what your deal is with Twilight, but if you’re trying to save her then we need to hurry!” The blue pegasus says.

“Way ahead of you, keep following me, I know this place front to back… probably.”

Behind us the others make it through the door, clearly out of breath. The white unicorn flops down onto the ground with a groan.

“Pfft, pansies. C’mon girls! This guy knows the way.”

The white mare sighs before getting back to her hooves.

Resuming our pursuit, we reach the room I was looking for. This door was just like the previous one. The lack of use over the years caused the door to rust over and sag in its hinges.

Backing up a bit and leaning forward I smash my foot right beside the handle of the door, causing it to shake furiously. Backing up again, I try again and finally knock the door out of place.

“Two tries? And here it only took me one.” Said the pegasus.

“Yeah, well I loosened it for you.”

With the door free we make our way into the room.

Inside was a sight I definitely didn’t expect. Twilight sat on the ground, and at the end of the hall was Nightmare Moon. The floor around her was covered in shards of stone. Stones that looked too familiar to the Elements of Harmony I had seen so many times.

I ran over to Twilight, followed by her friends.

“C-Clean? What are you doing here?”

“I’m saving you you retarded pony. What made you think you could take on Nightmare Moon on your own?”

“Clean, the Elements! I found them!”

“ENOUGH!” Nightmare Moon bellowed, causing the room to shake. “You should be in the dungeons! How did you escape?”

Getting up and reaching into my pocket, I pull out my knife and hold it out in front of me. “Now now, Nightmare Moon. Spoilers, remember?”

The mare lets out a growl before flaring her wings and firing a bolt of magic at me. I bat the spell away with left hand.

“Let's do this Nightmare, mano-a-mano.” Relaxing and tossing my knife away I say, “Hell, I’ll even throw my knife away. Now you almost have a fair chance of beating me.”

Nightmare lets out an agitated growl and rears onto her hind legs and smashes her hooves into the stone. The floor cracks under her weight and she charges.

I bolt forward to meet her, trying to make some distance away from Twilight and her friends. Meeting up with the mare, she lowers her head aiming to spear me with her horn.

I move to the side and clothesline her. She falls forward, but not before getting a cheeky kick to my side with her hind leg.

Not missing a beat, she turns around and aims to spear me again. This time I stay still, aiming to grapple her. I needed to get the ring around her horn without her realizing it. As soon as she loses her magic it’ll be easier to take her down.

I grab her horn and pull her head back. I hear Twilight saying something, but my mind was focusing more on not becoming the first Human shish kebab in Equestria. Holding onto her horn with my right hand, I finagle the ring off my finger to where I’m holding it in my hand.

Just before I can put it on her horn she lets out a gasp and kicks me away. We both get pushed into opposite directions. The ring goes flying out of my hand and slides across the floor. Before I can even grasp what's happened a large rainbow flies past. I follow it as it flies through the broken window on the other side of the room.

I follow the rainbow’s trail back to its origin only to find Twilight and her friends literally floating in the air. They each have necklaces on, but Twilight has a tiara on instead. Their eyes are pure white and seemingly glowing with energy. They all fall down to the ground, exhausted.

“Did we get her girls?” Twilight says, fighting to stay awake.

“Ah hope so, Ah don’t know if I could do that again.”

“Goodness I hope so, as happy as I am to get such a fine necklace I am absolutely exhausted.”

“Fools!” fills the room and the ponies all gasp in horror.

Nightmare is standing unscathed having used me to launch herself out of the way of the blast.

“Thou missed the first shot, and shall not get another! Thou lack the energy to stand, let alone use the Elements. Victory is verily within reach. Last is to thy retched disturbances…” She threatens, advancing towards me.

“Twilight, I don’t know what you did, but can you do it again?”

“That was the power of the Elements!” She says between pants. “I don’t know, but we can try. We can’t miss again, if we do, I doubt we’ll get another chance. C’mon girls…”

They all stagger to their hooves and a glow surrounds them.

“I think not! Thou shalt not use the Elements again!” Nightmare Moon says, diverting her attention to the ponies. Her horn lights up and she points her horn to the group. “Thy presence shall be removed from this land before you have the chance to blink!”

Her horn lets out a blast of light. It didn’t reach very far, having been blocked by an angry Human.

“Think again bitch, you’re not doin anything.” I say, grabbing her horn again.

“You think you can come into MY home.” I say, slamming my fist into the side of her head, knocking her crown off.

“Kidnap MY Princess!” I say, fist connecting with fur.

“And most importantly… Dirty. My. Floors.” Each word being punctuated by my fist meeting the cold steel of her chestplate, denting it.

Nightmare Moon tries to get away, but I’m far too angry to let this mare slip out of my grasp.

“You’re going to taste this fucking rainbow, and you’re gonna LIKE IT!” I scream in her face. Shoving her down, I wrap my arm around her neck, putting her in a chokehold. “Now Twilight!”

“Clean, I can’t! I don’t know what will happen if you’re caught in the blast!”

I turn back to the group. They all look weary, but they’re following Twilights leadership.

“Does it look like I give a fuck?! Use that fucking skittle cannon before this mare gets loose and kills us all!”

With a look of regret, Twilight charges her horn. It glows brighter than it ever has, and the Elements light up themselves. A rainbow forms around them, before suddenly lurching forward, aiming right for us.

Nightmare Moon frantically tries to squirm out of my grasp, but I wasn’t letting up easy.

“I’ve got one regret Nightmare, and its not having one final smoke. Lets hope this doesn’t kill us, huh?”

“You’re mad! Let me go this instant! I am Nightmare Moon! I am the Night! Cease thy ministrations and prithee leave thee be!” She says, growing more and more panicked.

Then the rainbow surrounded us.

My vision was full of colors. Like a horrible acid trip that I never asked form. I felt Nightmare Moon get pulled out of my arms and I felt heavy.

It felt like the gravity increased. I felt my stomach drop like when you’re going down a hill on a rollercoaster. I tried to push up from this oppressive force pushing me into the ground, but it was too strong for me. Falling to my hands and knees, I clutch onto my neck.

Gasping, I can’t pull air into my lungs. I can’t breathe and I start to panic. I figured, worst case scenario, the rainbow would just kill me and get it over with. But its not, its slowly killing me.

My vision started to darken from the lack of oxygen. I felt my arms go limp as I lost the strength to keep them up.

Then it all stopped. The rainbow, the oppressive feeling, being unable to breathe, it all went away.

I sit up, gasping for air. Sucking in as much as I could to replace the feeling of suffocating. Only to have the air knocked out of my as a pony smashes into my chest.

“Clean! You’re alive! Don’t you ever do anything like that again!” Said Twilight as she rubbed her face into my chest.

I wrapped my arm around her and patted her back, focusing more on breathing than consoling her.

“Twilight, get up. Where is Nightmare Moon?” I asked, looking around the room for the mare.

“She’s over there, but she’s changed. See for yourself.” She said, pointing a hoof at a small, light blue lump on the ground.

Pushing Twilight off of me, I scan the ground looking for the ring.

“Looking for this?” Says Twilight’s pink friend. In her upturned hoof is the ring from before.

“Yeah, thanks mate.” I said, scooping it out of her hoof. “Now, lets see if this works…”

Walking over to Nightmare Moon, I get a good look at her. Her black fur from before has turned into a light blue. Her mane, which was previously and ethereal mass of stars, is now and even lighter blue. The most apparent change is that fact that she’s just a bit taller than a normal pony.

“So you must be Luna… Either way, you’ve gotta have this ring on just in case.” I say, slipping the ring on the knocked out mare.

Through the broken windows, the sun rises like it should. In the rays of the sun, none other than the princess of the day appears. Her fur is a pristine white and her mane is flowing freely.

The other ponies in the room all bow, but I just walk up to her.

“So, think I can get a royal pardon?”

Celestia lets out a sigh before falling into a fit of giggles. “Why yes, and I just had a position open up in the castle too. Tell me, do you happen to know anypony who’s good at cleaning?”

We both laugh it off and turn to address the small gathering of ponies.

“So, onto the important part. I think you have a sister to talk to, and I’ve got to meet Twilight’s new posse.”

“Thank you, Clean.”

Celestia moved over to her sister and attempted to wake her up. In the meantime, I walked over to Twilight and her friends, who were looking worse for wear.

“Hey Twilight, love the new Jewelry. It really matches your eyes… and your cutiemark.”

“Clean, I’m so happy to see you again. I found out about Nightmare Moon through one of Celestia’s books. I tried to warn her, and to get you out before something happened, but she said that everything would be fine.”

“Well, it did turn out fine. In the end the monsters been defeated and the hero saves the princess. All's good in my book.”

“Twilight, ah don’t mean to interrupt, but what did he say about ‘gettin a pardon’ before?”

Twilight looked between me and her friends, trying to find the right words to explain what happened.

“A mare attacked my grandfoal. Ended up messing up her eyes, so I cut her horn off. Fair trade I’d say, but I’ve been in the dungeon since.” I said, speaking up before Twilight could say anything and make the situation worse.

Her friends had different reactions to it. The unicorn visibly recoiled and brought a hoof to her horn. The others were in various stages of shock, the worst being the yellow pegasus, who was now hiding behind the blue pegasus.

The orange mare rubbed her chin with a hoof and hummed in thought. “Well, ah can’t say I support what you’ve done, but if you did it fer family and you’ve done yer time, I reckon I can’t blame you fer what ya did. Just don’t do it again, alright big fella?”

“Sure sure country gal, I don’t plan on doing anything exciting like this again. I just want to get back to work if I’m honest.” I say with a laugh. “You know, I have no idea who any of you are, mind tellin me your names?”

They all looked reluctant to even speak to me, but Twilight was happy to introduce her new friends to me.

First wrapping an arm around the orange mare, she starts introducing them one by.

“This is Applejack! She works on an apple orchard just outside of town.”

Then she moved onto the pink one who was busy apparently writing something down in a notepad. “Pinkie, where did you… Anyway, this is Pinkie Pie. She works at Sugarcube Corner.”

Moving over to the unicorn, “This is Rarity, she works at Carousel Boutique. And this is Fluttershy. She takes care of animals.” she said, pointing to the unicorn and then the pegasus.

“And lastly is Rainbow Dash! She’s a bit of a gloater, but she’s nice when you get to know her.”

“Hey! I am not a gloater!” She says, getting defensive.

“And girls, I would like you to meet my very close friend. He’s been like an uncle to me, so please be nice to him, even if he seems scary.”

“Scary doesn’t halfway describe it. Frankly, that brute scares me.” Rarity quietly whispers to Fluttershy.

“I heard that whitey, and I’m not a brute, I’m a ruffian. Get it right.” I say, causing then to both let out a squeak and hush up.

“Anyway, I’m Clean. Thanks for talkin care of this mare. I know Twilight can be a handful at times, but she’s a good filly when it comes down to it.” I continue, ruffling Twilight’s mane.

“Cleaaaaan, stop it! Not in front of my friends…” she says, pushing my hands away with her hooves and blushing.

“Alright, alright. Anyway, I’m sure you ponies are probably pretty fucking exhausted. I don’t know about you, but my lungs are fucking killing me and my head hurts. Worst of all, I’m in the desperate need for a smoke, so why don’t you all go speak with the Princess.” I say, waving them off and leaving to lean against the wall.

Celestia is sitting beside the mare. They’re both locked in a tight hug and talking to one another. The other ponies walk up to her and bow.

“Fucking hell, really thought I was gonna die there...:” I say, thinking about the Elements. Pulling out my carton, I fish out a smoke and pop it in my mouth. “Glad I could get one last smoke at least.”

Two - Quick Introductions

“So, Twilight says you’re practically her uncle.”

“Yup, suppose I am. I’se around her since she was a filly.”

I’m sitting on some rubble left over from the Sister’s Castle. The blue and orange ponies both pulled up their own improvised stone seats and had started interrogating me. Twilight and the other three were talking with Celestia and what was Nightmare Moon.

I looked over to them, Rarity and Fluttershy were looking my way, almost glaring. When they saw I was looking at them too, they quickly looked away. Trying to pretend like they weren’t looking at all.

After the Applejack’s question, Rainbow Dash pips in and says, “I betcha got a lot of stories to tell about ‘ol Purple Smart over there, dontcha?”

Looking down at the blue pegasus with a scrutinizing eye. I linger there for a second, before replying with, “Eeyup.”

The orange one face hoof, muttering something about ‘all stallions being the same’ before speaking up again. “Well, care to tell some of them?”

I rub my chin, running my fingers through my heavily grown facial hair. “Welp, I’ve got a couple stories, but I doubt ‘Lil Twi over there would like me talking about the time she got soap confused for ice cream.”

The blue one guffaws, “She actually did that? How?!”

“Ask her yourself, I keep storytime for when there's a bonfire and I’ve got smores.”

Rainbow looks into the distance, licks her lips, and rubs her tummy while mumbling ‘mmmnnnn smores…’

“Well could you atleast tell us one story? Since we’re friends?”

“Who said we were friends? Twilight told me your names and that's about it.”

“Well, we did save Equestria together!” Rainbow says says, smirking.

“Yeah, and I’ve done that on my own before too. Doesn’t make a difference.”

Her smirk instantly breaks. “YOU?! How can you save equestria on your own?”

“You kiddin? Did you even see what I did to Nightmare Moon? Anyway, that would be another story for an even longer day. I’m tired as hell anyway.”

Applejack takes her hat off and wipes her forehead with a hoof, “Yeah, me too, sure wish someone could tell a story to help us fall asleep for a quick nap.” She slyly says.

“Now, now country girl. I may have been born at night, but it wasn’t last night.”

I adjust myself on my stony throne and pull out another smoke.

“Well, I suppose I could tell you one story… You see, it all started at the beginning. When two people love each other very much, they-”

The blue one blushes and goes “Woah, woah, woah! We don’t need THAT story! Tell us about how you met Twilight!!”

“I’m just fucking with ya little Rain. I actually met Twilight the same day she got her cutie mark. Celestia saw promise in the little unicorn and took her under her wing. Taught her magic and stuff. I was just a humble janitor, working under that swan lookin’ Princess.”

That remark gets a giggle out of both of them, and the yellow pegasus, white unicorn, pink earth pony, and Twilight herself take notice.

Pinkie immediately skips over to us, while Twilight stops and looks between the Princess, her friends, and I. Celestia says something to her, Twilight bows, then makes her way over to us.

“So, I see you’ve made buddies with Mr.Clean!” Twilight says, smiling proudly.

“Yeah, he was just tellin’ us about how he knows you!” Applejack says.

Twilight’s ears flop back at her last words and she lets out a sheepish ‘oh’.

I lean over and give her a pat on the head, avoiding her horn. “There, there, Twilight. It wasn’t that bad!”

I stop the love pats and lift my left leg onto my right knee, getting into a more comfortable position. “Anyway, as I was saying; I was just a humble janitor, cleaning shit and being an overall nuisance to the Princess and staff. You know, things janitors are supposed to do.”

That gets a giggle out of all of them, even Twilight who looks around apprehensively.

“Alright, well when she got her cutie mark, she turned that little guy,” I say, pointing towards the baby dragon who was over by Rarity and the others, almost latched onto her foreleg. “Into a pretty big bastard, let me tell you. Pretty sure she aged him to an adult, but hell if I know. Anyway, when she did that she practically destroyed the entire room. There was rubble everywhere, burn marks all over the floor, the place was trashed to say the least.”

Now it was Twilight’s turn to blush. She covered her face with her hoofs and looked away from everyone in embarrassment.

“I run into the room, scared shitless that something happened to the Princess, just to find an absolutely demolished room. I mean it was trashed. I saw the Princess holding a little purple filly and looking around the room.”

“Ooh, ooh! What happened next? What happened next?!” The pink one ecstatically asks.

“Not much really, Celestia over there explained what happened and magiced the room in order. Saved me a helluva time too. Do you know how hard it is to put a roof back together? Or get burn marks out of stuff? It's hell, absolute hell.”

Applejack nods her head sagely and agrees.

“Wait, that's it? No monsters slayed? No falling through the sky with amnesia and wondering where you are? No waking up in an infirmary, escaping, and then finding Twilight being kidnapped, only to save her by taking care of her kidnappers in the most brutal way possible?!” Pinkie Pie asks, hopping in place.

We all just stared at her, confusion apparent on everyone else’s face.

“No. Nothing that cool.”

“Oh well!” She says, shrugging her shoulders and sitting back down.

“Uhh… Anyway… Nothing that edgy. Any other questions?”

“Sorry to abruptly end this fun little get together, but I have an announcement to make!” Princess Celestia interjects.

She stands proudly, next to her sister, who is barely holding it together. Her legs are rigid and her wings are shaking slightly.

“Mares and Janitor, I proudly announce my sister, Luna, my fellow Princess of Equestria.” Celestia says, puffing out her chest.

Luna slowly moves forward and greets herself. “H-hello, tis a pleasure to meet thee.”

“Oh god this again.” I grumble to myself, rubbing my temples.

“Thou art kind and generous for freeing me from myself. I thank thee greatly.”

All the ponies greet themselves, bow and start conversing with the new Princess. With them distracted, I distance myself from them and take a place against a wall a bit away.

I twirl the ring around in my fingers. Celestia took it off earlier and gave it back to me. Apparently it lost most of its magic and it will take a while to charge back up to be able to take on a full Alicorn.

I slip it on my left ring finger and look down at it.

“Heh, would make for a not half bad wedding brand.” I mumble to myself.

“You should keep it, Sir Knight. It mayeth come in handy one such time.”

I look up a little bit to see Luna herself standing in front of me.

“Well if it isn’t the mare of the night herself. Hows it goin shady?”

She bachs and my words and bows deeply with her ears pressed against her head again.

“Again, I must apologize for thy transgressions. I shant make them again, and I prithee thou to pardon I.”

I crouch down and cup my hand under her chip, forcing her to look up at me.

“Now look here little one, I hold nothing against you. You are Luna, not Nightmare Moon. You have nothing to apologize for.”

“B-but twas I who did all those things!”

I wrap my hand around her muzzle, silencing her. “Stop that. I refuse to hear you say these things. You were weak and and Nightmare Moon took advantage of that. From what Celestia has told me you were a great sister and the best friend she ever had. I refuse to let someone as precious as you degrade yourself.”

I let go of her and stand back up. “Got it?”

The small blue mare looks up to me. Her eyes begin to water and she lets out a sniffle. Suddenly, she jumps up and wraps her hoofs around my neck, burying her face into the crook of my neck.

“T-thank you Sir Knight! Your words pierce my heart! Thee may have a need for thine ring yet!” She says, hopping down and rushing over to her sister.

“The fuck did she just say?”

Author's Note

I feel as though the quality in these are slowly, or rapidly in some cases, degrading. Ironic, really. Next chapter, whenever I post it, will be better. I had to rewrite this chapter twice. Once for forgetting how I ended the last chapter, and the second becuase I forgot to save. Kids, this is why you use GoogleDocs.

Next chapter, Clean goes back to the Castle with a new princess in tow. With her coronation, Clean is going to be dealing with old friends. - Moon Princess Path Unlocked?

Either way, this story is going two different ways, so if I make some mistakes here or there, blame me. The first story was better anyway.

Join my Discord if you want, hell if I know why: https://discord.gg/775B9Ew

Three - Way-Hey-Hay

After all the calamity was over and the introductions thrown about, Celestia “ordered” everypony to join her at the castle. The ponies were all ecstatic, especially Rarity. She seemed to have a love for Canterlot.

“Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes!”

It was apparent by her jumping around the room, combined with her constant affirmations.

“Alright Celestia, now how are we gonna do this? You gonna teleport us all there, or what?”

“Well Clean, I’m glad you asked. YOU will be staying here in Ponyville for tonight and for a day, then you will wall take the train the last day. I’ve got work to do, and I’m sure the castle has some work as well as preparations to do.”

“Now hol’ the fuck up,” I speak out “you expect me to stay in this little ponytown-”

“PonyVILLE!” Applejack corrects me.

“Same difference. You expect me to stay here?”

The princess gave a cheeky smile. “Why yes Clean, you are in need of a vacation after all. Plus, it would do you some good to take a break now that you’re free.”

“That's bullshit, but I’ll allow it.” I said squinting my eyes and pointing at her. “Don’t forget to apologize to Blueblood for me, I kinda had him fortify the castle and its citizens. Ya know, just in case.”

“Of course Clean, now, I believe you have a village to peruse.” Celestia said, waving me off with her hoof.

“Aye, I’ll do just that then.”

The small Luna looked between Celestia and I, then motioned her down to whisper in her ear.

After a brief bout of whispering, Celestia looks up and me and smiles.

“I’ll see what I can do. Goodbye girls!” She said, waving her wing at the six ponies and surround her and Luna in light.

“Bye Princess Celestia!” They all said together.

Luna’s ears pressed to her head again for the umpteenth time this night.

“Oi! Goodbye Luna, I’ll see you at the castle.”

Hearing me, she looked up and had a small smile.

“Goodbye Sir Knight. May we meet again.”

And she was teleported along with her sister to the caste.

“Well shit, guess I’m really stuck here now.”

“That's right Clean! You can stay in the library with me!” Twilight offered with Spike happily dancing in a circle behind her.

“Yeah, that's probably the best idea. I don’t know these others, and that pink one looks like she’s gonna gut me in my sleep.”

“Hey!” Twilight and Pinkie Pie said.

“You shouldn’t talk about my friend like that Clean, its mean!”

“Yeah! And the only things I gut are delicious cream treats!”

Staring down at the two, I rub my temples and let out a long sigh.

“This is gonna be a long night.”

-=- -=- -=-

“So, Ponyville huh?”

“Yup!” Applejack speaks up again. “It's a quaint village, and it's my home, so don’t go bad mouthing it.”

“Yeah, yeah, I’ve come to terms with this town by now. Still hate the name, it's so generic.”

“Well I think it's a nice name!” Rainbow Dash says, flying above me.

“Yeah, and you’ve got a generic name too. ‘Rainbow Dash’ known for rainbow hair and dashing about.”

“Hey! Don’t go making fun of my name or I’ll slug ya! You’re a janitor and your name is Clean!”

“Ladies, ladies, you’re both pretty, now can we make it back to town without a fight?”

“Yes moooom.” I say to her.

I take a minute to look around and our party. Twilight is taking up front, with me right behind her. Spike, of course, taking a well deserved nap in my arms.

Applejack is right behind us, with Rainbow Dash flying just above her. They were in a deep and thought provoking conversation.

“Yeah, well I know I’ll win the race!”

“Well I can win without having to use wings! Watch, I’ll do it with my wings tied behind my back!”

Yes, truly an intellectual conversation.

Rarity and Fluttershy following closely behind. Rarity was consoling Fluttershy as we traveled through the woods.

“Man, I used to go through these woods when I first got here, I ever tell you that story Twily?”

“Honestly Clean? I’ve heard so many stories that I can’t remember one apart from the other.”

“Perfect, you gals wanna hear a story?”

“Sure!”

I prepared a story for our walk through the forest, scrounging through my thoughts trying to remember anything interesting.

“This one time, with a manticore… wait, y’all wouldn’t like that one…” I say, stopping myself before I give these ponies more reasons to hate me.

“Alright, I got it! So, lemme tell you about the first time I ever set foot into this forest almost two centuries ago…”

-=- -=- -=-

The Princess of the Sun wanders through the woods, accompanied by the lost Human.

“So, about this castle, you’re sure it's not gonna cave in on us?” He asks.

With a nod of her head and a murmur of positivity the princess continues to tread down the slightly beaten path.

“Did I ever tell you that I’m not a fan or being crushed to death by debris? It's really not one of my fondest ways to die.”

“Mmm hmm,” she murmurs again, moving a tree that had fallen down out of their way.

“You know, I’d be more positive if you actually said something. I love crashing castles as much as the next guy, but I’ve already got the princess with me. And I’d prefer her NOT to be in another castle.”

“Clean, would you just be quiet? I’m trying to enjoy this ‘trip down memory lane’ as you call it.”

“Yeah yeah, damn horse wouldn’t get my jokes anyway.” The human mumbles dejectedly.

Passing through brush and briars, the two adventurers travel on and on.

Clean eventually became bored of the tiresome silence and began to humm to himself.

Celestia found it quite nice, and let him continue his antics. “That sounds nice Clean, what song is that?”

“Just some song from back home. Don’t worry about it.”

“Can you sing it?” Celestia asks, stopping in the middle of the path and turning around to him.

“Ehhh, I’m not sure. Ain’t a fan of singing, I was just hummin to myself.”

“Come now Clean, I’ve heard you sing before. Why not let out a couple lines?”

“Fucking hell, alright Princess you asked for it.”

The Princess turned around and continued down the path, with The Human lightly humming behind her.

As he continued, his humming became lounder, eventually turning into singing.

At one particular point, Clean began singing out loud, in a cheerful voice.

“And I say way-hey-hey, it's just an ordinary day, and it's all your state of mind
At the end of the day, you've just got to say…”

Taking a deep breath, he lets out a heart tune.

“I say way-hey-hey, it's just an ordinary day and it's all your state of mind! At the end of the day, you've just got to say! it's all right! it's all right!”

-=- -=- -=-

“Wait, yer telling me that song’s been around that long?” Applejack asked, interrupting my story.

“It's actually been longer than that, I brought that song from my world.

“Horseapples! Mah family used to sing that song whenever we felt down!”

“Yup, probably taught your great grandpappie that song myself.” I said, shrugging her off. “So, mind if I continue the story?”

“Sure whatever…”

-=- -=- -=-

“What a nice voice, you really should sing more Clean.”

“Not happening. I hate singing, especially in public.”

“Awwww, I must be special to have you sing to me!” The Princess says, turning around to show a bright smile.

“You are special Tia, just don’t let it get to your head.”

The two continued their walk through the forest quietly. After an hour of walking, they both arrive at a large rope bridge.

“Oh fuck that. I ain’t playing this game Tia, fuck this, fuck that, and fuck you.”

“Come now Clean, there's no need for such profanities. It's just a rope bridge.”

The Human puts his his hands together. Both straight with his right fingertips against his left palm.

“Bitch hol’ up. I’ve seen the movies. You’ll say that, and as soon as I get halfway across, it’ll break.”

“Now Clean, you’re just being dramatic. Watch me.”

“Wait! Can’t you just teleport me across?”

The Princess looks back at the scared human, smirking.”

“Would a please help?”

She turned around and continued on her way.

“Oh come on!”

Celestia continued trotting across the bridge. As she got to the other side, she calls out. “See? Its fine!”

“Goddamn sun horse.” Clean angrily mumbles. “If this bridge breaks and I die, I will haunt you for the rest of your life! And if I don’t die, I’m gonna shove my size 14 steel toed boots right up your ass!”

“Lets hope you survive then!”

Stepping up to the bridge, he takes out his box of cigarettes and puts five in his mouth, lighting each one.

“Let's hope the cancer kills me before the fall does…”

Keeping firm eye contact with Celestia, in order to keep from looking down, he takes his first step onto the bridge, it begins to creak.

“Oh fuck.” He said, around the smokes, taking in a deep breath and blowing it out through his nose. The burn keeping him focused.

He takes two more steps, the creaking not ceasing.

“Psalms 23:4…”

Taking more steps, the bridge begins to sway to and fro.

“Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil…”

Step after step, he reaches the halfway point. Looking down, he sees through the boards nothing but a thick fog.

“For thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me!”

“Clean! Don’t look down silly, it’ll scare you.” Celestia calls out

“Oh thanks Tia, I didn’t think of that before. WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN DON’T LOOK DOWN?!’”

Behind him, he hears the bridge creak and snap. Turning around, he sees that the rope has begun to fray.

He motions a cross upon his chest and recites “Non nobis, Domine, non nobis.” Letting the smokes in his mouth fall out.

And with that, he breaks into a breakneck sprint, wildly attempting to cross before he falls to his death.

“Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit!”

And, anticlimactically, he reaches the other side of the bridge, stopping in front of Celestia.

“See? That wasn’t so bad, was it?”

Clean wraps his arms around Celestia and hugs her deeply.

“Please, Celestia, just hug me.”

“Is my little human afraid of heights?”

“Yes, very.”

“Looks like the invincible Clean isn’t so invincible is he? What happened to the knight in shining armor that protected me from that evil king?”

“Creatures can be fought and killed, you can’t fight the laws of physics.” He says, letting go and taking a step back.

The Princess turn around again, motioning him to follow with her wings. “Lets go inside Clean, we can take a rest inside.”

“Sure thing Princess.” He says wiping himself off.

Only to be greeted with the sound of breaking rope. He looks down just in time to see he backed up back onto the bridge.

“Oh no.”

-=- -=- -=-

“Yay! We made it back to Ponyville!” Pinkie Pie interrupts.

“Shucks, that story was just getting good too.”

“Well jinkies gang, looks like storytime is over.” I say, taking a smoke out and lighting it. “Guess I’ll have to finish it some other time.”

A curious of dejected whines come from the group.

“I said I’d finish it another time, there's still the train ride to go. That shits gonna be boring as hell, might as well have something to look forward too.”

“He’s right you know, the train takes a very long time to reach Canterlot.” Fluttershy confirms.

“Look! Even little Butterscotch spoke up, thats special, figuring she hasn’t said more than a couple words so far.” I say pointing down at her

Fluttershy notices me pointing at her and lets out a ‘meep’ before attempting to hide behind her mane.

“Welp, nevermind then. So, Twilight, mind showing me the library you’re talking about. As much as I love this little guy, he’s grown quite a bit since I first saw him.”

“Of course Clean, follow me!” Twilight said, saying her goodbyes to her friends.

“Bye groupies, I’ll cya some other time.” I follow up, waving to them as I continue walking.

I keep walking towards the town, expecting Twilight to catch up. Spike was getting a bit heavy, but nothing I couldn’t handle after not showing the little guy much affection the past few years. It was still night, and would be for another couple of hours, so I decided to walk around town and see if anything has changed.

“Well damn, guess they’ve got a nice candy store now, wonder who runs it.” I say, looking through the windows to see rows upon rows of candies laid out.

I pass the store and keep walking. Seeing a tree in the distance. “If that's the Library, I’m going to blow my fucking brains out.”

I start walking towards it, but stop and see a shady looking place called ‘Paddy's Earish Pub’.
I stop and gawk at the sign. Taking in the horrible pun and the even worse bastardization of the word ‘Irish’.

“I feel like I should be angered. But I feel so dead right now, I honestly don't care enough.” I say, taking a mental note of the place to come back to later.

I continue my walk to the large tree only to have someone bump into to me.

“Oops!” Said the little filly who bumped into me. She was on the ground rubbing her head.

“Oh, you gotta watch out there lil’ one! It's not safe to be walking around town at night.” I say, leaning down to let her grab my hand. Noticing her nice grey purple coat and two toned yellow mane.

“Thanks mister, sorry about that.” She said, taking my hand with her hoof and getting up. “Oh wow! You’re tall!”

“Yeah, you’re right. It's pretty nice bein this tall. Tell me little one, what are you doing out this late?”

“I was just… running errands! Yeah, just doing errands!”

“Alright, I’ve dealt with fillies before, you’re definentally lying.”

She lets out a small ‘eep’, blushes, and looks down around. “I-Im not lying.”

“Suuuure little one. Anyway, what's your errands? I don’t mind helping you out.”

“Uhhhhhhh…”

“Dinky! Where are you!” A mare calls out.

“Sorry mister, I gotta go! Sorry!” She said, quickly bolting away.

I watch her run away and turn a corner going towards the voice.

“Well shit, guess I didn’t have to help the kid home anyway. Good enough for me.”

“That entire conversation was too loud. Lets just go to the Library.” Spike says, pushing his face into my elbow to warm up.

“Sure, sure. Its the giant tree isn’t it?”

He lets out a muffled ‘yup’ and wraps his tail around his body.

“For fuck sake. Of course it is… I’ll get you home Spike, I could do with a drink and some food already.” I say, taking one last smoke out and lighting it up.

“Maybe find Twilight too, I kinda left her behind."

Author's Note

For the people who want the song: Great Big Sea - Ordinary Day

Thank Insidiaphilia for the new chapter. I planned on starting another story before I realized how stupid of an idea that would be. I'm gonna try and pump these chapters out like I used to.

Side note, thanks for still sticking around this long.

Five - Can you feel the thunder

“HAPPY SUMMER SOLSTICE!”

“Yeah, yeah, happy sun day. Twilight, why is there a pony’s hoof in my hand and not a beer? Or a cigarette. Or literally anything but a pony’s hoof.”

“Happy Summer Solstice Miss Twilight!”

“And a happy Summer Solstice to you too! And the reason Clean is we have to celebrate the holiday AND your release! We have to get you introduced back into society so you can make friends!”

“Happy Holidays there Clean.”

“Happy sunshines Danny Dish. Glad to have you. And Twilight, I couldn’t care less about the holiday. I just wanna get back to work. I was on ‘vacation’ for a few too many years, and I don’t trust ponies to keep my castle clean.”

“Have a good Summer Solstice you two.”

“And a happy Summer solstice to you too. I’m sure you don’t Clean, you didn’t trust anyone to touch your room no matter what.”

“Happy Sunny Summer Solstice!”

“Sun. And of course not! I had all my shit on there.”

So, Twilight and I spent most of the day greeting everyone. Eventually, as the sun was in the middle of the sky, Celestia came out onto her podium and called for everyone. She started with a message to everyone, greeting them all, and setting up the premise for why we were all out there.

She also ended up introducing her sister to the crowd, garnering shocked gasps and some murmurs in the crowd while some looked more accepting. I stood up from my folding chair that I had stolen from a closet in the library and climbed up the stairs to the stand. I laid a hand on Luna’s back and looked out to the crowd and waved.

“Hey, moony, do a Princess wave, like this.” And I held my hand out palm first and rotated it left and right.

“O-oh, okay.” And she raised her hoof and attempted to copy my movements, which didn’t work figuring her lack of fingers.

“And for those of us who are older, and know of him, I introduce… Clean!”

“Oh shit, me too, alright I was just here for moral support. Uh, hello everyone. Not everypony because I see a couple griffons here and I’m sure as fu- I mean sure as he- ah godda- I’m not a pony. There. Hello everyone.”

A couple of the more senior looking ponies acknowledged me, some of them I remembered from ages ago. Two pegasi foals flew up and dropped a ring of flowers around Luna’s and I’s heads.

“Oh sick nasty, I love it. What is this, Gucchi?”

“And without further ado, let the celebrations commence in full!”

And with a cheer all the ponies dispersed to various stands of food and games. I watched Celestia walk over to Twilight and start talking, as I started to follow I felt someone wrap their hooves around my hand.

“Uhmm.. Prithee Sir Knight. May I speak with you?”

“Hmmmm rokay Raggy.”

“Raggy?”

“Yeah its a reference… Nevermind, what is it, how can I help you mate?”

“Mate?! Well, surely not yet but-”

“Stop. No.” I flicked her on the nose. “Mate is a term for friend where I come from, not as someone you do the horizontal tango with.”

“Tango?”

“Holy shit, are all of my references going to go over your head? Alright, fine, no more slang, how can I help you Princess Luna?”

“Oh, well, I wished to thank thou again for your help. You saved not only me, but the rest of Equestria.”

“Well, leave it to the janitor to clean up the mess. Heh, I love saying that.”

“A janitor, but I assumed you were a knight?”

“Me? A knight? Hell no, I just clean the floors in the castles. I just also happen to be real good at beating the shit out of bad guys. You not included, again, that was Nightmare Moon.”

“Well, yes, but-”

“Oi, no butts, unless… shit if I say anything it will be sexual harassment. Nevermind. Anyway, don't apologize.”

Suddenly, we were both stopped by Twilight hopping in place repeatedly going “Yes yes yes!”

“Huh, wonder what's got her so happy.”

“Yes, it is indeed strange. And dearest sister has quite a strange grin on her face.”

“Yeah, she does… oh fuck.”

“Oh fuck? What prithee does that mean Sir Knight.”

“Its Clean. Call me Clean. And I think I just-” I was interrupted by Twilight looking to me and bolting over, knocked me down in a hug.

“Yay! You get to stay with me!”

“Fuck you Tia, you can’t do this to me! I have work to do!”

Celestia walked over to us, picking Twilight up in her magic and setting her down as Luna helped me off the ground. I dusted my now dirty coveralls off and checked my pockets for my box, pulling them out and opening them.

“None broken, good. Anyway, did you seriously just stick me down here in Ponyville? What about the castle? Who the hells gonna keep it clean?”

“Now now my faithful knight, who do you think has been keeping the place tidy in your absence. We hired some of the best janitors to keep up with your slack.”

“Alright, you know what, fuck this.” I said, taking a cigarette out and popping it in my mouth. I pointed to it and a small flame appeared, lighting it. I nodded in appreciation to Celestia. “So how long am I to stay here for? I love you little Twi, I do, but I get antsy when I’m not working.”

“Well, I think three months would be a good vacation.” Twilight said.

“Ha. No. Try again.”

“You know, four months sounds pretty decent, don’t you say?” Celestia said.

“Yellow card, not looking good team.”

“Oh! Perhaps six months would be more appropriate!” Luna said, getting in on the joke.

“And a red card, that's a penalty. Ha, sports ball jokes. Anyway, I’m staying for a month and I’ll walk back to Canterlot if I have to.”

“We’ll see, come sister, we should go to partake in the celebrations before we have to return.” Celestia said, bringing her wing over her sister and walking off, leaving me with Twilight.

“Well, Uncle Clean… Wanna go party?”

“I thought you’d never ask. Go hang out with your friends, I’ll take Spike.” I said, noticing him standing beside me and picking him up.

“But I wanna hang out with you!”

“You just made those friends Twi, you can hang out tonight when we’re all done. Spike and I need our manly bonding time.”

“Yeah Twi! We gotta bond!”

“Oh fine! Be that way!” She said pouting, to which I patted her head.

“Yeah yeah, go with your friends, Spike and I are gonna chill.”

We both watched her walk away, until spike leaned down and whispered in my ear. “So… what are we gonna do?”

“...I kinda wanna go to the bar…”

“...”

“...”

“I’m going to the bar. I’ll get you whatever you want from the stands on the way.”

“Gem ice cream?”

“If they have it, hell yeah. I think I have a bag of holding around here somewhere…” I said, rummaging through my pockets and pulling out a small threaded bag with twine holding it closed. “Perfect, glad I grabbed that this morning.”

We both walked towards the bar I had gone to the previous night, with Spike picking and choosing various foods and games along the way. As it turns out, it was very similar to the fairs I had been to before.

-=- -=- -=-

“Oh! Oh! Honey, lets go try the gun range!”

“Fey, you know you can’t hit shit with those. Why would you wanna waste your money like that?”

“First off love, it's not MY money, it's YOUR money.”

“Ah, good point. I repeat and rephrase, why would you wanna waste MY money like that?”

“Because you love me.”

“Damn right, lets go miss several shots and eventually just buy the toy.”

“Thanks honey… I love you so much ***....”

-=- -=- -=-

“Hey, Clean, you okay?”

“Wha? Ah yeah, my bad lil buddy, I’m not used to being in crowds again, makin me antsy.”

“Well let's go to that bar then. I have everything I could want, and my tummy is a little upset now.”

“Aight, i’m just gonna grab a beer and see if there's anyone I recognize.”

“Oh! Mister!”

“Huh?” I look down to see a small purple unicorn filly with dull blond hair.

“I saw you the other night! So your names Clean?”

‘Yeah, nice to-”

“Dinky! What are you doing over there!” A purple unicorn runs up to us. “Mom ran off somewhere and now I can’t find her. Oh… hello sir.”

“Hello miss, are you two sisters?” I said, looking between the two.

“Uhmmm, yes. Sorry to bother you, I’m Amethyst Star, and this is Dinky Doo.”

“Doo? You wouldn’t… nah, coincidence. What's going on with you two?”

“Sorry, we’re looking for our mother, she ran off somewhere earlier during the Princess’ speech.”

“Well, need help lookin? I got some free time, Spike?”

“I’m good!”

“Fair, so why not let us help?”

“We’re good sir, thank you, come on Dinky we need to go now.”

“But sis!” The filly said. “He’s tall he can help us look!”

The older unicorn picked her little sister up in magic and sat her on her back. “No Dinky, we need to go.”

The older one took one last look at us before running off.

“Woah. That was rude.”

“You said it little buddy, now I really need a drink…”

“Yeah… I think I could go for some soda pop.”

-=- -=- -=-

So Spike and I made it to the bar, the name ‘Paddy’s Earish Pub’ still pissing me off. I threw the door open to notice it again almost empty with the occasional straggler sitting alone at a booth drinking.

“Hey! Clean! Knew you’d be here eventually!”

“Hey Danny give me a cold one and a soda pop for the dragon.”

“Aye aye, you got it partner.”

We both sat down at the bar, noticing a pinkish earth pony drinking at the other end, I sat Spike on the opposite side away from her. Danny eventually came back with a beer and what looked like a glass bottle of soda. He started looking around for a bottle opener, so I grabbed mine and pulled the cap off then did the same with Spike’s.

“Well horse apples, those hoofs of yours are useful, aren't they?”

“Yup, now tell me, any news in town?”

Spike sat back in his chair and sipped on his drink while I pulled the glass bottle to my lips and took a long swig before pulling out my smokes and taking one out.

“Hey, can I get a shot of your strongest stuff?”

“Oh, sure, 2 bits.”

I pulled a handful of bits out of the bag and dropped them on the counter. He pulled out a shot glass and poured a clear liquid inside.

“This Vodka?”

“Vodka? You mean Wodka.”

“I will fucking stab you if you say ‘Wodka’ again. Why is everything in this world just called the same thing but with different letter. This is pissing me off.”

“Yeah yeah, rant like a drunkard. Here's your shot.”

I dipped my finger in and held it in front of Spike. “Got a light?”

He blew out a bit of fire, causing my finger to catch the greenish flames. I brought the finger up to the shot glass and snapped my fingers, causing the flame on my hand to look like it bounced to the shot. After that, I brought the drink up to my cigarette, lit it up, and breathed in. After a second, I took the stick out of my mouth and downed the shot, letting out a puff of smoke after.

“Impressive parlor trick there Clean, do cater?”

“Fuck you Paddy, where is everyone else? I know there's gotta be at least 4 other people who work here.”

“Yeah, most are out at the little fair, that griffon over there works for us tho. Her name’s Bee.”

“Bee the Bird. This just makes me wanna cry. Hey, forget I asked.”

I sat there with Spike smoking and drinking for a while. As it turns out, my tolerance to alcohol waned significantly. Not only that, but this stuff was different than what I got the previous night.

“Hey, Danny, what's up with the alcohol tonight? It's a fuckton stronger than before…woah schwarmy.”

“Yeah, we ordered fancy stuff for the holiday. Buy it now while it's still here, because it won't be after tonight.”

“Hey, so Imma be here a month, think I can toss you a couple coins and ask to order enough for me for a month?”

“Depends on how much you got partner.” He said, cleaning the counter and nudging the pink pony from before that was now passed out.

“I will give you 100 bits now and pay for every drink later.”

“Make it 200.”

“Now you and i both know you can buy a crate of these for 50, I’ll need probably three crates, so 170 bits. Gives you 30 to play with, plus me paying for the drinks.”

He mulled it over for a second, before pulling out an abacus and tossing the dots on it side to side.

“Make it 180.”

“Deal.” I said, holding my hand out and taking out my now coin pouch of holding.

We shook hands and exchanged coins before I ordered another beer for the time being. I didn’t dare look at what the brand was, as I already knew it would make me mad.

“Hey, Spike, tell me, hows Twi been since I’ve been gone?”

“Well I’m glad you asked Clean! She’s practically been a shut-in, constantly studying and going to classes but never going out and making friends.”

“Figures, what about… Oh fuck I forgot about Blueblood.”

“You forgot about Blueblood?”

“Yeah, I kinda told him to gather all the guards and that I would be back… let's hope the princess took care of everything like she always does.”

“Yeah… But back to what we were saying. Twilight has been pretty much a complete recluse for a while now. She just likes studying that much.”

“Fair enough, hey what about-”

We were interrupted by a stallion opening the door and looking in. He walked up to me and asked, “Are you Clean the Human?”

“Yeah, can I help you mate?” I said, finishing my drink and setting it on the bar.

“Hmph.” He said, walking away and opening the door. “Its him.”

He moved out of the way, and there was a very familiar pony.

“Dearie?”

“Dad?”

Author's Note

Heya guys, sorry I've been gone for a bit, been working on other stuff plus some personal life stuff. Had some free time, and decided to do some writing. Expect more to come.

Check out some of my other stuff if you like, tho reading the story before this one would help more if you're new. Hiatus over...probably.

Six - Goldfinger Classics

“Oh, heya Dearie. Heya Lockstone.” Spike said from the seat beside me.

Dearie stood at the doorway, tearing up. I stood up from my seat, albeit shakily, and tried to walk over to her. Only to have her dash over and connect with my midsection causing me to fall over.

She buried her face into my stomach and started mumbling.

“I think she missed you gramps.” Spike said from his bar stool before sipping his fizzy drink.

“I can see that Spike… and you must be Lockstone.” I said, focusing on the stallion that walked into the bar.

“That I am, it's been a long time Clean.”

“Yeah, sorry I didn’t recognize you. It's been a couple years, and I didn’t expect to see y’all so I’m kinda tipsy.”

Dearie pulled away from me and started hitting my chest with her hooves.

“Hey! I get i- Will you ju- Stop!” I said grabbing her hooves.

“You stop! What are you doing here?!”

“In case you didn’t notice, the sun stopped yesterday! It was my job to make sure it turns back on!”

She pulled her hooves out of my hands and bites my shirt, pulling me out the bar.

“Yu nd t gt ot o hr.” she mumbled through my shirt.

“Spike, just gimmie a minute. And what the hell’d you just say?”

She didn’t answer and kept pulling me, so I decided to ease up and follow her out. Once we passed the door frame and got outside, I held my arm up against my eyes. I felt Dearie let go of my shirt.

“Lovie, water.”

“Wait, Lovie is here too?”

The twinkling of unicorn magic filled the air and the sun was blocked, letting me see easier. What blocked the sun was an undulating orb of water floating about a foot away from my face.

“Oh, water.”

Which proceeded to drench me. Causing me to sputter and wipe my eyes.

“Well that's a little rude, dontcha think?”

“Now, you’re going to sit there and explain EVERYTHING!” Dearie said, glaring daggers.

“Well, you saw the Princess pardon me and all that, didn’t you?”

“That's besides the point, what are YOU still doing in town? And at a bar no less?”

“Well, I didn’t know y’all were here for one, if I did I woulda visited you first. And I wanted a drink, I was thirsty.” I said, pulling out a pack of smokes from my pocket and a zippo from the other.

Lovie magiced the pack out of my hands before I could open it and held it away from me.

“Oi, what's that for?”

She smirked, “You’ll get these back when you’re done answering our questions.”

“Alright, fine.” I said, twirling my fingers and showing the smoke I sneaked out before she could take it.

“Wait, how did you-?”

I put it in my mouth and lit it up. “What, you think just cus I don’t got magic I don’t have other ways? I got slippery fingers you know. Anyway, about the questions.” I pulled in and let out a puff of smoke. “Ahhhh, good shit. Anyway. Apparently Nightmare Moon came back, so I put her down. Simple as that.”
Both Lovie and Dearie gasped, and Lockstone and Keystone grimaced.

“Not like that dammit, I just held her down while Twilight and her friends blasted her with magic. I’m not some kinda murderer.”

“Your track record proves otherwise.” Lockstone said.

I pointed a finger at him and glared. “I’m talking to my daughters here, not you. Wait in line. And I never murdered anypony. I took her horn off is all.”

“Yeah, and you know what happened after that?! She went through intensive magical therapy to get her horn back on.”

“And she hurt my granddaughter, what more do you want from me? I’m a grumpy old man who saw his baby get hurt, would you not do the same?”

“No, I wouldn’t. I would have her punished in a court.”

“Look, what does it matter? I put myself in prison and served a long time. Plus, you just said her horn got put back on, how does that work anyway?”

“It's a magical bone, of course it can be put back on.”

“But i thought-”

“It doesn’t matter what you thought Clean, it's too much work to explain it to you anyway.”

I sat in silence for a couple seconds and let her fume.

She glared daggers at me.

“Look, I know you both hate me, so I’ll just leave. This is too serious anyway. I just came for a drink.” I said, standing up and grabbing my pack of smokes from Lovie, causing her magic to cancel and put it in my pocket.

“Pawpaw?”

“Aw fuck.”

“Ditzy! I thought I told you to stay at home!”

Ditzy ran up to us, followed by filly.

“But I heard that pawpaw was back! I wanted to see him.”

Dearie stopped ditzy, but the filly ran past both of them and latched onto my leg.

“Woah, little one. Aren’t you the same one from the other night?”

She looked up at me and started to tear up. “Are you my great grandpaw?”

I kneeled down and placed and hand on her head. “I’m sorry to tell you, but yeah I am.”

She looked back at Dearie and Ditzy. “But… but you told me pappie passed away.”

Dearie looked over at Lovie and kneeled down, getting to her level. “Well, sweetie, the truth is-”

I cut both of them off, and picked up the little filly. “Now listen here, don’t go getting mad at them.” I held her in my arms, the same way I did her mother when she was a filly, and her grandmother when she was a filly. “I made a couple mistakes before you were born and had to go away for a long time. It's much too detailed for a filly your age, but just so you know your mother and grandmother love you very much, and didn’t want you to worry about me. They probably thought I DID pass away, figuring out how old I am.”

I set her down on Ditzy’s back and kneeled down myself. “Now I’ve got work to do, and I have to talk with your grandmother and grandaunt, so you be a good girl and go home with your mama, alright?” I patted her and Ditzy on the head and turned to the two older mares. “Now you two, come with me.”

I started to walk back into the bar, expecting the two to follow.

Inside the bar, I tossed a couple bits to the bartender and ordered a couple drinks for all of us, picked Spike up off the bar stool and carried him and his drink to one of the booths.

Dearie, Lovie, and their husbands walked in after a couple minutes and joined us at our table.

“So, let's hash this out before things get out of hand. What I did, I did in the heat of the moment. I do not regret what I did, but I do admit it was horrible. I only have myself to blame. I knew Celestia wouldn’t punish me, or rather, didn’t WANT to punish me, so I punished myself so she wouldn’t have to deal with the guilt. I knew she would take care of y’all in my absence.”

They sat in silence for a couple seconds, as the bartender came up with our drinks. Alcoholic for me, and soda for the rest. I slipped a couple more coins on the table and whispered to him, “Bottle please, and a tip for yourself.”

They continued to sit in silence and sipped from their drinks. I lit up another smoke and pulled a portable ashtray out of my pocket and opened it, setting it on the table.

“Clean… I missed you so much…” Dearie finally spoke.

“Papa.. Why…?” Lovie said, choking up.

I sighed and leaned back in my seat.

“When I first came to Equestria, it wasn’t as peaceful as it was nowadays. It just so happened that it was in the middle of a war. A two front war, between the griffons and minotaur. The world I came from was just as dangerous. My old man, he died in a war. I thought I would join him, go die for my country and all that, so I was prepared to fight. But I chickened out, never went. I got stuck taking care of my grandfather and working to pay some bills, by the time he passed I was just working to live. I had a friend, name was Allen. Poor bastard was a legend…”

The two mares and stallions listened in, while Spike sipped his own drink.

“I considered him my brother, we always had each other’s back. A ‘you scratch mine, I scratch yours’ kinda deal, but more blood brothers than that. Hell, we even made a pact.”

“A pact?” Dearie asked.

“Yeah, we both cut our hands and shook on it, not very clean mind you, but still. Anyway we were both travelling through the city on our day off. We were both a little drunk, maybe high, but that's besides the point. Anyway, while we were walking some fucker came up to us with a gun. A guns kinda like magic, except made to kill. Too much to explain, but just use that as a base reference. He wanted our money, as most muggers do. But Allen is a crazy son of a bitch.”

I took a puff of my drink, thinking back on him. Tall and lean, always wearing a robe and a long scarf. A messenger bag always full of goodies whenever he needed it.

“That fucker, he pulled out a knife and stabbed the guy.”

All the ponies gasped by the sudden change in the story.

“At some point the gun went off and blasted a hole in his side. In one side out the other, but we were both so fucked up he shrugged it off. Turns out, this fucker had friends. So we both panicked and ran. We ran for… probably fifteen minutes until we thought we got away. We slipped into a side alley and laughed it off.”

“Does this story have a meaning? Or are you just talking.” Lockstone said.

Ignoring him, I continued. “Well, we both made it home, and he taught me how to patch up gunshot wounds. Was amazing seeing his thread work, but that's beside the point. A couple weeks later we found ourselves out again completely forgetting about what happened when we did it before and who do we run into but the same fucker and his buddies.”

I finished my cigarette and snuffed it out. I grabbed my drink, brought it to my lips and downed the rest of if, the ice clattering against my nose. I grimaced, the rough taste and harsh burn settling down to my stomach, causing me to shiver. Strong stuff this time around. Setting it down, I filled it back up from the bottle. I grabbed my pack of smokes and whispered to it. The pack changed color and size, from its normal steel grey with no markings to a cardboard pack with blue colors and white letters.

“Chesterfield. These were his favorites. Super cheap, but an old brand. Used to call them ‘Goldfinger Classics’ whenever he did. Anyway, back to the story… The boys from before were pissed, arguably so of course. Allen didn’t get to pull his knife out before the gun fired. Two shots to the chest. We both panicked, but since we were both fucked up and now we were pissed. Don’t know how he didn’t die immediately, hell, I don’t know why neither of us died immediately.”

I took another sip from my drink. Lovie put her hoof on my hand.

“Clean, please slow down.”

I looked at the bottle, noticing it was already half empty. I pulled my hand away and took a puff of my smoke. Taking a swig again and setting it down, I finally let the smoke out of my lungs.

“Fuck it Lovie, just… fuck it. I don’t remember much of what happened that night after that. Allen died, of course. I was left with bruises and a hole in my chest. Literally and figuratively.”

I pulled my shirt collar down a bit, showing a bit sized impression on my chest with a scar half a foot long cutting it in half. “This is where the bullet went in, there's another on my back, they had to cut me open to make sure nothing was left inside and to fix my lung… Anyway, when I woke up I learned that Allen died that night. Worst part? Those fuckers were never caught.”

They remained silent as I brought the cup up to my lips and finished another glass. I reached for the bottle and missed, knocking it off the table and causing it to shatter.

“Well fuck… sorry guys…” I said, shakily getting out of the booth and started picking up the shards.

“Good job you stupid piece of shit. How you gonna solve this situation? Telling stories they didn’t need to know?”

Looking down at the shards, I saw my reflection in the shards of glass. Cleanly shaven and wearing my old suit. The same way I looked before I put myself in that cell.

“You really think they give two shits about that little story? Like it will get you sympathy? A bit manipulative, dontcha think?”

I raised my fist and brought it down on the glass, shattering the shards even more and splashing alcohol everywhere.

“Clean! What are you doing?!”

Lovie used her magic to start scooping the shards of glass up, and Dearie pulled me up and pushed me into the stool.

“What was that for?!”

I looked down at my knuckled, red and starting to bleed. I picked a piece of glass out of my skin and dropped it into the ashtray. “Sorry, bad twitch. Thought I saw a bug.”

Lovie levitated the shards to a trash while Dearie started looking over my hand. I pulled it away and reached into my pocket, grabbing a handkerchief and wrapping it around my hand.

“Look, I’m fine, let's just get back to what I was talking about… When I saw Ditzy get hurt, it made me think back to then. I thought I was going to lose someone important to me, so I flew into a rage. It was stupid, I should have known she wouldn’t be trying to kill anyone, especially me, but it was like a switch flipped.”

Dearie looked at me with pity, waiting for Lovie to finish.

“Dad… we forgave you years ago. We just… We felt scared. We never thought you would do something like that. Sure you’ve been harsh to people, maybe even vindictive, but that was a sudden shift in character for you. It's like you were a completely different pony…”

“Yeah… but I’m gonna work on making up for lost time. Celestia has me staying in this town and watching over Twilight. So I’ll be going back to my ‘slice of life’ as it were.”

Lovie spoke up next, “Well, we’re not all going to be in town, Dearie and I have to go home, but Ditzy lives here in Ponytown. You may even see Trixie, she’s been travelling around the world as a magician.”

“A magician? That doesn’t make much sense… wait, is she trying to copy some of my old ‘magic tricks’ I used to show her?”

Lovie laughed, “Apparently so! She’s been doing fairly well as well.”

“Well I’m happy for her… so, should we head out?” I said, standing up and grabbing my ashtray, keeping the shard of glass in there.

I pulled the pack of smokes out of my pocket and looked at it.

“Heh, Goldfinger Classics… I hope you’re resting in peace buddy.”

Author's Note

Little did Clean know, Allen is going through his own adventures...

Heres the final big story stuff till it goes back to how it was meant to be. A slice of life story.

Four - Share a drink

Four - Share a drink

“Knock knock mate, open the door.”

-silence-

“Oh, yeah. No ones home.”

With a turn of a knob and crouch to go through the door the human and dragon entered the homely little library.

“You know, this tree used to be a nice house. Had a swingset outside for the foals. Wonder what happened to that couple.”

“Mmm hmm.” Spike mumbled.

“Yeah, I know you’ve no interest in that shite. Lets get you to bed. Upstairs?”

“Mmmm”

“Gotcha.

Climbing up the staircase to the second floor, I found a set of doors. Randomly opening one led me to the bathroom, the next an empty room, then another empty room. Then finally, I found the room that Spike and Twilight must live in. It was fairly large, with a big loft. Climbing up another set of stair, I saw two beds.

“Wait, you still sleep in a cat bed?”

“Don’t judge me old man, you slept on the floor when you were watching over Twilight.”

“Ayyy, fair enough little buddy. Lets get you settled then.”

Lifting up the blankets, I gently set down my lizardy companion. Tucking him in nice and tight, I made sure he was comfy.

“All good Spike?”

“Yup, thanks Clean.”

“Sure thing little dude.”

With Spike set, I headed down to the first floor.

“Now where the hell did Twilight run off to…”

I sat down on a quite comfy looking armchair to wait. And then I waited.

And waited.

And continued to wait.

“By the nine, where the hell did that purple beast go off to?”

And I waited a bit more, just in case.

“Ah fuck it, my tummys makin the rumblies. And I appear to be out of hands.” I said, getting up and looking around for a kitchen.

“Its gotta be around here, just gotta do a wee bit of searchin.”

The lack of rooms on the first floor helped quicken the travel. The first door led to a closet, while the second led to the room in question. Crouching through the door I got a good look at the quaint little cottage kitchen.

The shelves barely got up to my shoulders, and the fridge was the same. So I began to make myself at home.

“Snickety snack, gotta eat and get fat. Snickety dee, this shits for me. Now lets see what shes got in here…”

The fridge opened wide, a cloud of cold mist filling the room, leaving an unnatural chill to roll up my spine. I reached inside, hand firmly grasping around a pile of celery stalks. Throwing them onto the table, I rummaged around more, finding nothing but bags of vegetables.

“I have kept myself in that cell for years. My first damn meal will not, I say WILL NOT, be vegetables.”

Leaving the borderline empty kitchen, I returned to the main foyer of the library, looking for a sheet of paper and quill. Writing a quick note, I left the paper on a nearby table and headed out the front door.

Dear Twilight,

Fuck your kitchen.

Love,

Mr.Clean the Magic Eraser

-=- -=- -=-

“If’n I don’t find a good place to eat, I’m walking to the forest and hunting something.”

The town was most certainly empty at this time of night. The occasional house had a light on, while the rest were completely dark.

‘Guess they’re all preparing for the Summer Solstice tomorrow. It is called the Summer Solstice, right? Actually, don’t care enough.’

While the town was empty, I knew of one place that wouldn’t be. Taking my mental note and crumpling up, I traced my steps back to the local bar.

“Paddy's Earish Pub…” Heading up to the door, there was another smaller sign. “‘Its always dark in Ponyville’ oh fuck off.”

Pushing the door open the sound of an ill-tuned radio filled the silent night. The static already grating on my nerves.

“Heya stranger! Welcome to Paddy’s Pub!”

The inside of the pub was rather bland. Styloid neon lights of clovers and some branded drinks covered the walls. The left side of the pub held a bar with row upon row of drinks behind it while the right side had booths with a table between each seat.

“Howdy,” I said, walking up to the bar and taking a stool, “Got any specials tonight?”

“Yes! We got some specials for the Solstice, every heard of a margarita?”

“You know what, lets start with the margarita, been a while since I had one of those.”

“Alright sir! Coming right up.”

As he started to prepare my drink, I got a good look at him. He was clearly an older stallion. His hair was mostly missing from the top of his head leaving him with a bald top with a wiry mess of a “Power Donut.”

I sat there for a while, mulling over what his name could be. If it was Danny, I would scream.

When he returned he plopped the drink down.

“So, what brings you here this late at night?”

I started to sip on the drink, noticing it was quite watered down. “Well, I was free and decided a drink would be in order, do I need another reason?”

The stallion laughed at that. “Ah, nah. Thats good enough for me.”

I gingerly sipped on my drink savoring the very, very light taste of alcohol.

We sat in silence for a while, with him staring at me the entire time.

“Go ahead and say it, I know you wanna ask something.”

“Thank Celestia, I was worried it would be rude to ask… Are you Mr. Clean?”

I finished off the drink, stood up and spread my arms. “The one and only!”

“Is it true about what you did… to that unicorn?”

“Yeah, but I’m out now. You’re not scared of that, are you?” I asked looking down at him.

“Tartarus no, as far as I’m concerned you were in the right. I’d do the same if something happened to my daughter.”

“Good!”

As we continued with a merry conversation, we were halted by the sound of the door to the bar being slammed open. A purple unicorn stood at the door, staring down everyone in the bar.

“Clean! Where have you been? I’ve been looking for you everywhere!”

I slid around on the barstool to look at her, “Well you shoulda expected me to be here, you know how much I love my drinks.”

She could only let out a sigh at that and walk out, motioning me to follow her.

“Welp, it was nice talking to you barkeep, but it looks like the misses is callin.” I said, tossing a couple of bits out of one of my pouches.

He could only laugh at that, before falling into a fit of coughs.

“Welp, it was nice finally meeting you Clean, come back again and drink with me, I’d like to see how much you can handle.”

With a shared laugh and a wave, I left the bar to follow the angry unicorn.

Author's Note

I'm back laddies! I even made a patreon, check my blogs.

I'm actually gonna get back to writing too.